Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • Jenny* (30) and Dele* (34) met in 2022 after a chance encounter on a rainy afternoon turned into something deeper. What began as a sweet connection soon spiralled into love, loss, and difficult choices that tested their bond. 

    In this story, they open up about falling in love, facing grief, and how an unplanned pregnancy split them up.

    This is Jenny and Dele’s story as shared with Mofiyinfoluwa

    Jenny: I met Dele in August 2022. I’d gone to the market for supplies when it started pouring. I didn’t have an umbrella, so I was walking in the rain, trying to flag down a bus. Then a car stopped in front of me, and he offered me a ride. Normally, I’d never get into a stranger’s car, but that day, I was desperate.

    Dele:  I was driving home from an errand in the area when I saw her— drenched and struggling with two heavy bags. I’m the type who helps if I can, so I stopped. I didn’t plan for anything beyond that.

    Jenny: He insisted on dropping me off at home. We vibed easily during the ride. Dele told me he was a music producer who managed artists, and I mentioned my catering business. We exchanged numbers, and he said he’d reach out for gigs, which I thought was nice. 

    He even walked me to my gate with his umbrella. It felt really gentlemanly.  For days, I waited for his text, but it never came.

    Dele: She was a fine babe who crossed my mind a few times, but I didn’t want her to think I only helped because I wanted something. Then one day, she texted, joking that I’d forgotten her. That was how we started talking again.

    Jenny: By then, it had been almost two weeks since we met. We started talking again, and soon, we were meeting up often. I’ll give it to him; he was sweet and romantic. I wasn’t even the calling type before, but he made me one. After two months of talking daily, he asked me out in October. 

    It was cute in the beginning.

    Get More Zikoko Goodness in Your Mail

    Subscribe to our newsletters and never miss any of the action

    Dele: Those early days were beautiful. We didn’t even sleep together for almost two months. We just went on dates and got to know each other. It reminded me what real love should feel like.

    Jenny:  But when we eventually got together physically, things changed. I’m more adventurous than he is sexually, and it created a disconnect. It made me question if we were compatible.

    Dele: Jenny expected me to be experimental because I’m a creative, but I’m a simple guy. I didn’t want to pretend to be someone else just to please her.

    Jenny:  I never asked him to change. I just wanted him to be more open. I tried introducing sex toys and role play, but he didn’t like it. He thought it meant he wasn’t good enough, which wasn’t true. I explained that trying new things didn’t make him less of a man, but he made it awkward. 

    The first few months were hard, but we eventually found a rhythm.

    Dele:  Ironically, that was when everything else started to fall apart. 

    I lost my mum in June 2023. It was sudden. She was diagnosed with cancer and died in less than three months. Losing her changed me. I started drinking and pushing everyone away, including Jenny.

    Jenny: I understood his grief. Still, it was tough to handle.  I thought it was a phase, but it only got worse. He’d promise to stop drinking, but I’d show up and find him drunk or passed out. I was putting in all the effort to hold us together. 

    Then, in November 2023, I found out I was pregnant.

    Dele: The pregnancy came as a shock, but I also saw it as a good sign. 

     My mum’s death had left me questioning life, so I saw the baby as a new beginning and a gift from her. I proposed on Christmas Eve, and she said yes.

    Jenny: I accepted, but deep down, I wasn’t sure. He was still drinking, and I couldn’t ignore our differences. I worked two jobs while he mostly lived off his dad’s money. I loved him, but I didn’t trust that he could handle fatherhood. When I voiced my fears, he got defensive and said I didn’t love him enough.

    Dele: By then, I was trying to get my life together. I’d started working again and cut down on drinking, but she kept pulling away. I felt she wasn’t seeing how hard I was trying. 

    Still, I suggested we go ahead with a small family introduction that eventually happened in mid-January.

    Jenny: That day broke me. It was a small event, but as the first child, it meant a lot to my parents. 

    Dele arrived late, came without his father, and was clearly drunk. We still went through with it, but in that moment, I knew I had to step back. His behaviour, on such an important day, showed me he wasn’t ready to take responsibility.

    Dele: I drank that day because I was nervous, not because I didn’t care. She was also upset that my dad didn’t attend, even though I explained he was away on a trip.  I came with my uncles, but I guess it wasn’t enough.

    Jenny: His father never treated me or my family with respect. It was clear he didn’t see us as equals. And to miss his only child’s introduction? It made me question if I wanted to marry into their family.

    By the first week of February, I decided to have an abortion. I didn’t tell Dele because I already knew how he’d react.

    Dele: At first, she told me she’d miscarried, and I believed. Finding out the truth was one of the most painful moments of my life. That baby meant everything to me after losing my mum. I knew it was her body and choice, but I still felt I deserved to be part of the decision. 

    We should’ve talked about it.

    Jenny:  I admit I should’ve been honest, but I also knew how emotionally attached he was.

    However, while I was still nursing my pain, I found out he had told my parents.  I hadn’t even told them I was pregnant, let alone that I’d had an abortion. My mum cried for days. My dad was angry and disappointed. It was humiliating and painful, especially coming from someone who knew how much guilt I was already battling.

    Dele: I didn’t tell her parents to get revenge. I was overwhelmed, confused, and emotional. I just wanted them to help her understand how deeply she’d hurt me. Looking back, I know I shouldn’t have done that.

    Jenny: Even if that wasn’t his intent, it still felt vindictive. I’d already explained that I had the abortion, not because I wanted to end things, but because I needed time to figure out if this was really what I wanted. But he threw me under the bus.

    Our relationship grew tense for months. We were still technically engaged, but my heart had checked out. He couldn’t move past the abortion.  Every argument circled back to it, and he’d tie it to his mum’s death as though it was a punishment for my actions.

    Dele: I really tried to make things right after that. By then, I’d gotten my life together, but it felt like she had already given up. Then I noticed she started talking to other guys, and that hurt me even more.

    Jenny: By the end of 2024, I just wanted peace. I tried to make new friends, but he kept accusing me of flirting with other men. It was exhausting, so I called off the engagement in December.

    Dele: The breakup shattered me. I couldn’t understand why she was walking away after everything we’d been through. What made it worse was finding out she’d gone on a date barely two weeks later. I’m not saying she cheated, but it felt like a betrayal.

    Jenny: Even after we broke up, he tried to guilt-trip me. He told my family I’d left him for another man, which wasn’t true. That date was just me trying to move on, but he made it seem like I was a cheat. It felt like emotional blackmail, and that was the last straw.

    Dele: I didn’t know how else to reach her. I thought her family could help us fix things. Around the new year, she called, cursed me out, and told me to stay away from her and her family. It hurt, but I respected her wishes and focused on moving forward.

    Then, in July, she reached out to wish me a happy birthday, and that opened the door again. We addressed the past and apologised. Since then, we’ve stayed in touch. I still love her, but I’m not sure what the future holds.

    Jenny: Wishing him a happy birthday was really just to make peace. I felt guilty about how things ended, and part of me still cared for him.

    He didn’t mention it, but since we reconnected, we’ve hooked up a few times. I know it’s not healthy, especially since I’m seeing someone else. We’ve tried to define what we are, but we’re still figuring it out.

    If we ever get back together, it will have to be different. We both need to heal completely before we can be anything more to each other again.

    Want to feature with an ex? Click here

    Read Next: We Left Our Partners for Each Other, Then He Cheated

    [ad]

  • Christina* (25) and David* (26) met in 2018 and spent years as close friends before crossing the line into something more. But what began as a mix of friendship and romance soon exposed secrets, tested loyalties, and clashing values that eventually pulled them apart. In this article, they talk about their relationship and what led them to split up.

    This is Christina and David’s story as shared with Mofiyinfoluwa

    Christina: We met through a mutual friend in 2018. We were all preparing to enter uni, and I tagged along to a tutorial. Honestly, I didn’t rate David at first. I’d heard about his messy love triangle with two girls in the group, which coloured my impression. I befriended one of the girls and naturally took her side.

    David: That so-called love triangle was exaggerated. I wasn’t dating or playing anyone. They were just crushes within the group, and I tried not to take sides so it wouldn’t distract from our studies.

    Christina: Either way, he wasn’t someone I saw romantically. I make friends easily, so he was just another buddy. Still, we started hanging out more. By the time we got into the same school in 2019, he’d become my best friend.

    David: My feelings shifted about eight months in. If we didn’t talk for a day, I felt incomplete. That’s when I knew I liked her. But I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to risk the friendship. When I finally told her in 2020, she turned me down.

    Christina: Even after that, it was strictly platonic for me. I’ve always had a lot of male friends, and David was just one of them. He was also dating someone at the time who didn’t like how close we were. To avoid problems, I even told him we had to reduce how much we talked.

    David: That was hard because I valued our friendship too much. I managed to suppress my feelings until around 2021. Christina has never been big on physical boundaries, and we’d playfully touch or hold each other. Over time, those little moments started meaning more to me, even though she’d also gotten into a relationship.

    Christina: Maybe I had unconscious feelings too, but I was focused on not proving his girlfriend right.  To me, David was just my guy. 

    Then, one night, everything changed after a fight with my boyfriend. The relationship had been rocky for a while, and I’d already checked out mentally. I called David to calm me down, and he suggested drinks at his place. After too many shots, we had sex.

    Get More Zikoko Goodness in Your Mail

    Subscribe to our newsletters and never miss any of the action

    David: We were both vulnerable that night. I’d just found out my girlfriend cheated, and even though I’d been suppressing my attraction to Christina, we connected over the mess in our relationships.

    Christina: The next morning, my boyfriend apologised, but his action only confused me. My bigger worry was David. I felt like I’d ruined our friendship by crossing boundaries. I panicked and ran off to stay with a friend in Lagos for a few weeks.

    David: She ignored me for days. Even after she returned, the tension was there. I felt like if we weren’t moving forward into something real, we couldn’t go back to the way things were.

    Christina: David actually asked if we could date, but I refused. My boyfriend was still in the picture, and I was scared of losing David’s friendship if things went wrong. 

    But as things got more awkward and my feelings grew, I eventually called him and told him we could date if the offer still stood. By then, months had passed, and he downgraded what we shared to a situationship.

    David: At the time, I’d officially broken up with my ex. I’d processed my feelings and knew I wasn’t ready for another serious relationship. I liked Christina too much to make her a rebound. Even if she describes it as a situationship, I don’t think that was the case. It was more of a “let’s see how things go before making it official.”

    Christina: On December 31st, 2021, we sealed it. I loved that we could have it all — best friends, but a couple also hooking up. It felt like a sweet way to end the year.

    David: We just slipped into a rhythm. She’d come over to my place almost every day, and we’d spend time together. It felt like the best of both worlds.

    Christina: We were great, but little issues piled up over time. Because it was a situationship, I didn’t feel I had the right to complain. Still, I didn’t like that he hid our relationship from his friends. Once, he even stepped outside to take a call, and even though I complained about it, I kept thinking, “Do I even have the right to be upset?”

    David: Until she said something, I didn’t realise she had a problem with our arrangement. In my mind, we were a couple. I treated her like a girlfriend and only kept things low-key because I didn’t want my guys to judge her unfairly. It was about controlling the narrative, not denying her.

    Christina: My own friends knew about him, but they didn’t like him. They compared him to my ex, especially physically. David wasn’t cool with them either and tried to pressure me to cut them off.

    I never had issues with his friends, until one day, while using his phone, I discovered he’d been discussing my personal family issues with a female friend. When I confronted him, he locked the chat. That broke my trust.

    David: I’ll admit I messed up there. I wasn’t trying to disrespect her. That friend didn’t understand why Christina was sometimes cold to people, so I tried to explain the situation using things she’d confided in me. I locked the chat afterwards for privacy, but I can see how it looked bad.

    Christina: It became one of those things I couldn’t let go of. I was especially uneasy about his friendship with her because David and I had started out the same way. 

    Another issue was his constant pressure for me to cook for him, even though I repeatedly said I hated cooking.

    David: I grew up in a home where food was central to relationships, so it became one of my love languages. If we were thinking about a future together, it mattered to me that she could feed our family. I wasn’t asking her to cook every day, just regularly. But our arguments made me start doubting if we could work long-term. Her refusal felt like stubbornness.

    Christina: Doing something I hated just to prove my love felt like slavery. The fact that it became a dealbreaker for him made me feel unappreciated. I’d already compromised in other ways. For example, I’m very outgoing, but I toned that side of myself down for him. I even quit my job at a club because he wasn’t comfortable with it. Yet when it came to cooking, he couldn’t bend for me.

    From then on, I noticed his attitude changed. As our first anniversary approached, we’d planned to spend New Year’s Eve together, but at the last minute, he cancelled because his friends were coming over. I felt so disrespected that he put them over me.

    David: I handled that situation badly. It was last-minute, and I didn’t think it through. My communication was poor, but I tried to make it up to her.

    Christina: That was his pattern. Anytime we had issues, he’d apologise and then love-bomb me with sweet messages and extra attention, only to slip back into the same habits once I softened. It felt manipulative.

    David: I never saw it as manipulation;  it was self-correction. I notice when I mess up and try to change. But I admit, habits are hard to unlearn.

    Christina: Our biggest fight happened mid-2023. He made a birthday post of  that same friend — the one whose chat he’d locked— and captioned it “Nobody can come between our friendship.” Considering my issues with her, it felt like a direct shot at me.

    I didn’t confront him because I knew he would deny it. Instead, I pulled back. We stopped sleeping together. I posted heartbreak memes, and he responded indirectly on his statuses. It all felt childish. By the end of the year, I blocked him everywhere.

    David: That caption had nothing to do with Christiana. If she suspected something, she could’ve just asked me. But her friends stirred things up, and she kept reading meanings into everything I posted. 

    It hurt when she blocked me without a word, but I let go for her peace. However, I created a parody Snapchat account just to see how she was doing.

    Christina: If he cared that much, why didn’t he reach out directly? He just doesn’t want to admit that, even before I blocked him, he’d already checked out because he was secretly cheating with his current girlfriend.

    David: To be clear, we weren’t physical when I was with Christina. But I admit it doesn’t make emotional cheating acceptable. By the time I started seeing her, Christina and I had already stopped sleeping together. With how cold she’d become, this new person felt like a safe escape from stress. But I admit I should’ve handled the overlap better.

    Christina:  I didn’t even know he was cheating when I blocked him. I only found out months later through screenshots from his girlfriend’s mutual friend. It hurt me, but by then we were done. What frustrated me most was that he never fully took responsibility.

    David: Being blocked without explanation felt like a verdict without a trial. Even after she unblocked me earlier this year and we talked about the past, I still believe we could’ve worked things out if she’d let us talk first.

    Christina: I started the year with a resolution to forgive people who had hurt me, and David was somewhere on that list. I realised I was wrong to cut him off the way I did. That was why I reached out to him, even though he is still in a relationship that caused me pain. 

    I’m trying my best to keep things civil and not slip back into our old friendship. If we did, we might end up falling into the same patterns, and there’s no point trying again if the same issues that ended us would still be there.

    David: I believe we can stay friends, especially since my relationship is solid. But I don’t believe in impossibilities, so I understand her fears. I don’t think we would face the same problems if we ever got back together. In the two years we spent apart, I matured and learned about my excesses.

    Want to feature with an ex? Click here

    Read Next: 10 Husbands, 1 Question: Would You Marry Your Wife Again?

    [ad]

  • Love Autopsy is a Zikoko series that dissects relationships after they’ve ended. In each episode, someone fresh out of a relationship sits down with a licensed relationship expert to unpack what went wrong, what could have been better, and the lessons they’re walking away with.

    TW: Domestic abuse

    *Dolapo, 34, an Ekiti-based civil servant, thought she had found the one in *Toba, 41, when they met in 2015 through an Egbon Adugbo.

    A year later, they were engaged, and everything was perfect. His friends had only good things to say about him, and Dolapo felt secure knowing she was with someone so beloved.

    “He was everything I wanted in a partner,” she says. “Kind, quiet, attentive, and always there when I needed him.”

    Then the shift happened.

    The mood swings came first. It was jarring, but she brushed it off.

     “I’d say good morning, and he’d snap, ‘Did I ask you to greet me?’”

    Then the silent treatment followed, often lasting for weeks. The man who had once been Dolapo’s safe space became emotionally unavailable to a point of hostility.

    In 2024, as their divorce was being finalised, Toba told her it was all her fault.

    “He said he got tired of me because I allowed his excesses,” Dolapo says. “He said I should have stood up to him, fought him harder or reported him to our families. He argued that I didn’t handle him the way he needed to be handled.”

    Dolapo is recounting over Google Meet, her expression a mix of frustration and reflection. Comfort Omovre, who’s been a relationship counsellor for over three years, is also on the call. She listens carefully before responding. “That’s something I hear a lot. Abusers often blame their victims for the mistreatment. But it’s never your fault. A relationship shouldn’t be a battleground where you have to fight to be treated right.”

    Dolapo nods in agreement. “I know that now. If someone tried that nonsense with me today, I’d walk away immediately.”

    She continues. “And I noticed the red flags early. He was financially irresponsible and couldn’t account for his earnings, even though he demanded financial transparency from me. Then there was the emotional, financial, and even sexual abuse.”

    “He would ghost me for months,” Dolapo recounts. “One time, he disappeared for eight months. Then he called like nothing happened, expecting me to show up — and I always did.”

    “Did you talk to anyone about what was happening?” Comfort asks.

    “No,” Dolapo admits. “I shielded him. I lied to my family about his whereabouts, made excuses for him, and painted a perfect picture when they asked. I convinced myself we were still connected, so I kept holding on.”

    “Now that you mention it, there’s one incident I should share,” Dolapo says.

    She was pregnant again. Then she had another miscarriage and needed an evacuation. Toba had promised to be there but he wasn’t. She waited for hours, calling him repeatedly.

    Desperate, she called his mother, sobbing. Within 40 minutes, he finally arrived — but instead of apologising, he snapped, “What right do you have to call my mum and embarrass me?”

    Comfort listens carefully. “Dolapo, I need you to know that everything you’ve described is abuse. This was never about love. It was about power and control. And I hope you can see how much strength it took for you to walk away.”

    It took Dolapo three years and some help to find that strength; it wasn’t until 2021 that she realised the scale of her situation. “I found a post from a relationship therapist on Twitter talking about narcissistic abuse, and everything she described sounded like my relationship,” Dolapo says. “That was the wake-up call I needed. I filed for divorce in 2022.”

    Toba didn’t take this move well. “He called my family members, crying and begging them to talk to me. People who had no idea what I’d been through suddenly became involved, asking me to reconsider. But I was done.”

    Then he switched his tactics.

    “He told me he was ready to change — he’d start therapy, we’d try IVF, we’d start a family. He even booked a marriage counseling session and asked me to come to Lagos. I wanted to believe him, so I travelled to Lagos.

    I spent three days alone in an empty house, waiting for a man who’d never truly been there. That was the moment I knew there was nothing left to save.”

    “And now?” Comfort asks gently.

    “We finalised the divorce in December 2024,” Dolapo reveals.

    When Dolapo decided to start the divorce process, she knew there was only one way to break free: using the element of surprise, not giving room for his manipulations.

    “I didn’t tell him when I filed for divorce,” Dolapo says. “I sent the papers to his family’s home. He was furious and got a lawyer to fight me. But I didn’t care anymore. I was done.”

    “Now that your divorce has been finalised, how have you been processing everything?” Comfort jumps in.

    “It’s been hard,” Dolapo admits. “On some days, I feel fine. Other days, I wake up crying, wondering why I wasted so many years. But I also prepared for the worst. I bought pepper spray and a taser because I knew Toba could show up at any time.”

    ALSO READ: 4 People Tell Us About The Red Flag That Made Them End Their Relationships

    Dolapo contemplates for a second before she continues. “My aunt tried to help me leave after he beat me so badly I was hospitalised for a month, but I stayed. I told myself I loved him, but I think I was just scared to be alone.”

    “Many survivors struggle with guilt,” Comfort says. “What matters is that you finally left. You saw the truth, made a decision, and took your power back. It takes immense strength to do that.”

    Dolapo sighs. “I hope so. I just wish I had done it sooner.”

    “Healing isn’t linear,” Comfort reassures her. “But you’re already on the right path.”

    Dolapo nods. “I’ve blocked him everywhere, but he has six different numbers. Every few months, he tries again — birthday messages, Christmas wishes, empty apologies.”

    “That’s called hoovering,” Comfort explains. “It’s a classic abuser tactic: love-bombing, guilt-tripping, then insults when they don’t get their way. Have you noticed the shift?”

    Dolapo exhales. “Exactly. After months of begging, he flipped. He called me a lowlife, mocked my job, and swore I’d die in Ekiti.”

    At first, Toba’s words stung, making her question her worth. But then she reminded herself — he didn’t send her to school, raise her, or contribute to her education. Her family had never relied on him financially. So why should he have the power to define her?

    But his messages escalated. “I will come for you,” he threatened. “You think you can just leave me? You think you can disrespect me like this?”

    “That was when I knew I had to protect myself,” she says. “I signed up for kickboxing classes. I told his best friend to let him know that I had already reported him to the police. I forwarded all his messages to my lawyer, my dad, and my brother. I wanted him to know that if anything happened to me, people would know exactly where to look.”

    Comfort nods. “I’m so glad you took his threats seriously. Many abusers escalate their behaviours when they realise they’ve lost control. You did exactly what you needed to do.”

    Dolapo draws a deep breath. “I regret ever meeting him, and it gets to me sometimes. There are nights I wake up crying. Nights I feel cheated by life.”

    “That’s normal,” Comfort assures her. “You’ve come so far, and it’s okay to have moments of sadness. What’s important is that you got out.”

    For Dolapo, the hardest part was unlearning the guilt she carried.

    “I still blame myself for this situation. Maybe I should have fought back harder. Maybe I should have been smarter and never fallen for him in the first place.”

    Comfort shakes her head in disagreement. “That’s the thing about abuse — it’s never the victim’s fault. You didn’t ‘allow’ anything to happen to you. You were manipulated, controlled, and broken down.”

    Dolapo nods hesitantly. “I feel like I should have seen it coming. Maybe I was naive.”

    “You weren’t naive,” Comfort gently corrects her. “Abusers don’t show up in devil horns. They come as everything you’ve wanted. And you’re not the only one. I’ve worked with highly intelligent, successful women in their 40s and 50s who found themselves in abusive relationships. It has nothing to do with being smart.”

    [ad]

    Dolapo paused for a few seconds before she asks, “How do I make sure I don’t end up in another abusive relationship?”

    Comfort sighs. “That’s the tricky part. There’s no foolproof way to avoid abuse. Even if someone seems perfect at first, they can reveal a different side over time. But there are things you can do to protect yourself.”

    “First, look at your past experiences. Are there unresolved traumas — maybe from childhood, or previous relationships — that made you more vulnerable to staying in a toxic dynamic? Healing from those is key.”

    “Second, educate yourself on what abuse really looks like. Now that you know the signs, you’ll be able to recognise them earlier.”

    “Third, trust your gut. Abusers operate from the same playbook: love-bombing, isolation, blame-shifting, coercive control, mutual abuse. If something feels off, don’t dismiss it. Pay attention.”

    Dolapo takes it all in. “That makes sense.”

    “And finally,” Comfort adds, “stop blaming yourself. You think there was something you could have done differently, but the only way to avoid the abuse would have been never meeting him at all. The important thing is that you got out, and you get to rebuild your life on your own terms.”

    Dolapo has left, but moving forward isn’t as simple as she’d hoped. The idea of dating again feels impossible.

    “How do I even build up interest again?” she asks, the frustration evident in her voice. “Not even talking about dating immediately — just getting to the point where I can talk to a man, go on dates, get to know someone. Right now, if a man walks up to me and says, ‘I like you,’ I immediately detest him.”

    Comfort listens carefully before responding.

    “There’s no rush. You’re still hurting, and that’s okay. You were in the relationship for nine years — that’s enough time for someone to start university, get their master’s degree, and begin their PhD. That’s enough time for a baby to grow up and finish primary school. You can’t just move on from that overnight. In fact, trying to move on too quickly would do more harm than good.”

    Dolapo nods in agreement. She knew Comfort was right.

    “So what do I do in the meantime? How do I even begin to let go of all this resentment?”

    “It’ll happen naturally,” Comfort promises. “As you continue to heal, the anger will start to fade. You’ll get to a point where you can make the distinction. Yes, this man hurt me, and yes, there are others like him out there. But there are also men who will love, respect, and treat me the way I deserve.”

    Comfort pauses before adding, “But right now? You’re still grieving. And you can’t heal unless you’ve grieved fully.”

    Dolapo exhales.

    “I just feel like there’s a lot of pressure from people,” she admits. “Telling me to move on, to put myself out there again. But they don’t get it.”

    “And they never will,” Comfort says firmly. “They haven’t lived your experience. They haven’t cried your tears, carried your pepper spray, or woken up every day rebuilding a life from scratch. So they don’t get to decide when you should be ready again. Only you do.”

    For the first time in a long while, Dolapo allows herself to sit with that truth. There’s no deadline for healing. No timeline for moving on.

    And when the time comes, she’ll know.

    If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, there is help available. The International Federation of Women Lawyers, Women Impacting Nigeria and Mirabel centre offer pro bono legal support and medical care.

    READ THIS NEXT: Step-by-step Guide to Seeking Justice Against Gender-based Violence

  • We all have that one ex who’s impossible to forget and the other one you don’t even remember until Facebook memories rudely remind you. 

    We ranked the exes from easiest to hardest to move on from.

    11. The Detty December ex

    You met them during that one Detty December or summer holiday. They were all vibes and good times, but once reality kicked in, so did the end of your “romance.” Moving on from this ex is easy because you both knew it wasn’t that deep. It’s more nostalgia than actual heartbreak.

    10. The long-distance ex

    It was exciting at first—WhatsApp calls, love letters in emails, and saving money for trips to see each other. But when the timezone differences and expensive travel got tiring, you both knew you had to pack it up. Moving on is easy AF because the emotional distance came way before the physical one.

    9. The situationship ex

    You never even officially dated; you just existed in a permanent state of vibes and inshallah, hoping they’d one day claim you. When it ended, the hardest part was realising you’d wasted emotional energy on someone who never gave a real shit about you. But once you accept that, moving on becomes relatively straightforward.

    8. The ‘We grew apart’ ex

    There was no drama or betrayal, just the realisation that you both weren’t made for each other. Maybe they moved away, or you both matured in ways that weren’t compatible anymore. This one hurts, but mutual respect makes wishing them well and moving on easier.

    7. The work bae ex

    Every time you enter the office or open a Zoom meeting, there they are. Seeing them regularly makes moving on harder, but the moment they get a new job or you do, it’s like an instant breath of fresh air. Out of sight, out of mind.

    6. The one you cheated on ex

    The guilt is real, and it makes it hard to move on. You keep replaying the mistakes, wishing you could fix them. But with time, therapy, or new distractions, you start forgiving yourself.

    5. The one who cheated on you ex

    Ah, the betrayal from this one frequently burns your chest and threatens to unalive you. The heartbreak and the dent to your self-esteem can linger for a long time. Even when you feel like you’ve moved on, trust issues and flashbacks can still haunt you in your next relationship. Healing takes a while, but it’s possible.

     [ad]

    4. The hot fuck ex

    Let’s be honest, the ex who knows how to make your river flow is hard AF to forget. You’re constantly getting flashbacks, and the image of their genitalia is forever etched in your memory. You might have broken up for good reasons, but that physical chemistry? Unmatched. Moving on is tough because you can’t help but compare every new partner to them. It’s a struggle, but one day, you’ll meet someone who gives you their type of orgasm again.

    3. The best friend-turned-lover ex

    You didn’t just lose a lover; you lost a friend. The person who knew you best, your inside jokes, and your secret fears is now just a memory. Moving on is painful because you miss their presence in your life, but you also know it’s too complicated to remain friends.

    2. The ‘Almost happily ever after’ ex

    You saw a future with them and convinced yourself they were your last bus stop. Maybe you were even planning a wedding or talking about kids. Losing this ex feels like mourning an entire life that will never happen. Moving on is hard AF because it involves grieving not just them but also the dreams you had together.

    1. The soulmate ex

    The hardest of all. The person who felt like your other half, who understood you in ways no one else did. Even years later, their ghost lingers, showing up in random songs or the scent of their favourite perfume. Moving on from this ex can feel like an eternal wound, but eventually, you learn to live with the scar.

    Read this next: 7 Cheaper Alternatives to Matching Pyjamas for Christmas and New Year

  • Nenye* (26) talks about her three-year relationship with her ex, the several money-related issues they had, and why that experience has turned her off dating men with less money than her. 

    As told to Boluwatife

    Image designed by Freepik

    I’m used to men ghosting me. They toast me, we enter into the talking stage, and they disappear after a few days. I’d be lying if I claimed not to know it’s because of my insistence on evaluating their financial situation.

    I always ask questions like, “How much do you earn?” “Would you classify yourself as middle class?” or “What are your thoughts on sharing finances in the home?” My friends think those questions are too much for the talking stage, but I’m trying to avoid getting bitten twice.

    I was young and foolish when I dated Ola*. It started in 2020, but I still think about what he put me through and wonder why I let it go on for three years.

    We met in one of those online speed dating sessions that were common during the pandemic — Popular Instagram pages held live broadcasts and invited followers to come and toast themselves on live.

    I worked with an NGO, and when we went remote, I was bored — so I DM’ed Ola after meeting him in one of the online sessions. We hit it off quickly and started chatting regularly. He was a graphics designer, but I wasn’t really concerned about his job or salary. Two weeks after we started talking, we became official.

    I still wasn’t concerned when he didn’t get me a birthday gift two months into our relationship. I was one of those “Love doesn’t cost a thing” girls. He designed a birthday flyer for me, and that counted at the time.

    After the lockdown was lifted, I developed a habit of going to his self-contained apartment after work and only returning home to sleep. I lived with a roommate, and he lived alone. After some time, I started sleeping over and going to work from his place.

    On one such visit, he saw my salary come in as a credit alert and said, “You’re a rich babe o. You’re earning double my salary”. My salary was ₦100k. That was the first time we talked about salaries. Before then, I’d noticed he always told me to buy food for us on my way from work, but never gave me money for it. We also hardly went out. I didn’t ask why because I didn’t want it to be awkward, but finding out about his salary clarified things. 

    As a good girlfriend, it was only right for me to support him since I made more money.

    I’d branch at the market on my way from work to buy foodstuff, get to his place and cook up a storm. I even regularly paid for his data subscription because he needed it for work. I even paid for a couple of his design courses. 

    In 2021, he decided he wanted to learn software engineering and told me he was saving up to pay for a ₦70k course. 

    Now, I understand how he extorted money from me. He’d tell me about something he wanted then complain about it until I felt bad enough to help him. I had no responsibilities. I’m the last born, and my parents still paid for the apartment I shared with my roommate at the time. So, it was easy for me to foolishly bring out money for what he needed.

    I paid the ₦70k for that course.

    Then he started policing how I spent money. If he noticed me wearing a new pair of shoes, he’d remark about how I needed to be disciplined with my spending. One time, I responded, “But I’m working. I should be able to buy what I like,” and he twisted it to seem like I didn’t want to take his corrections because I earned more than him.

    Money became a sensitive issue between us. If I complained about how we hardly went on dates, he’d say I wasn’t satisfied with what he could afford. When I talked about wanting him to reciprocate with random gifts like I did, he said I was rubbing my money in his face.

    By 2023, my salary had increased to ₦200k, and he’d become a freelancer, AKA no salary. The next thing he did was imply that I put him on a monthly allowance. According to him, waiting till he complained about needing help made him feel like a beggar, and no “man” wanted to feel like that.

    We broke up in 2023 because he didn’t “see a future with us”, and I was heartbroken for weeks. But after a year, I can’t explain why I put up with him for so long. Maybe I was dickmatised or just foolishly in love.

    Maybe it’s linked to my frontal lobe finally developing at 25, but I can never be in that position again. Since the breakup, I’ve read and heard different stories of women who earn more than their partners, and it rarely ends well. 

    Let people call me a gold digger; I don’t care. All I know is I don’t want to be with someone who makes less than me. It’s not like rich men are perfect, but at least, I wouldn’t have to massage someone’s fragile ego because they think the money in my account isn’t allowing me to be submissive. 

    I’ve tried broke love, and I’m not doing it again.

    *Names have been changed for anonymity.

    NEXT READ: “He Cut Her Braids Short in Public” — 7 Women on Why They’d Rather Make Their Own Money

    [ad]

  • Today is the day of love and kisses, and everyone is sharing love stories like it’s testimony time.

    So, we completely understand why you might be tempted to return to that person you swore off many moons ago, in hopes that you too might give your testimony next Valentine’s Day. But read these Nigerians’ stories first before you take that leap.

    Derin*, 28

    The first time my ex and I dated, we were together for nine months. It was great but also a toxic because he was reckless with money and always wanted to go clubbing. I was also still in love with my ex at the time. After I passed out of NYSC, we broke up. I was ready to face the real world and adulthood, and he just wanted to evade planning his life.

    About a year later, we got back together. He was going to be in my city and reached out to me to reconnect. We lasted two months this time around. But nothing had changed with him. He was still unserious, and when he randomly asked me to dash him ₦200k, I decided it was time to break things off for good.

    Ebuka*, 26

    My ex and I dated for a year and a half, but we broke up a couple times in between. We were in our early 20s when we met, and we were just in awe of each other until we started drifting apart because of things I’m not even clear about. 

    After a while, she asked for a breakup. Fast forward three weeks later, she came back and was like, “So, you’re not going to talk to me?” I’ve never responded so fast in my life. I’d even been stalking her WhatsApp. We made up, but I still kept my walls up. 

    It went on for a year before we finally broke it off and just stuck to catching glances from afar. Then close to my birthday, she came to my house to talk and we tried to make up, but she was with someone else already.

    Cynthia*, 23

    I don’t think we were ever exclusive, but we saw each other for a year. I hate to admit it, but he was my first love, and I might still be a bit in love with him right now. I got tired of the non-exclusivity and tried to stand on business. It obviously didn’t work because he ghosted me in the middle of exam week. 

    We didn’t speak for a year after that. Then one day, he appeared with a girlfriend and I was ready to take my L and move on. But he kept talking to me, so we became friends. It started feeling like our village people might have tied our destinies together when he asked me out on a date a little while later. We have chemistry, so the date was great. Then he kissed me at the end of the night and I just remembered the hurt he put me through the first time. I’ve been running ever since. But I never run too far because he always catches up and we start talking again. The feelings rise from the ashes, and we continue fooling ourselves.

    We’re currently on our fourth reconnection. I give it two more months before we start exchanging “I love you” again and I run for the hills.

    Mide*, 24

    We dated for five months, and it was rocky, but it was also a lot of fun. It was the first time I really liked the person I was dating, and I wanted to make it serious. But there were too many things going wrong in my life then, and I was transferring a lot of that aggression to her. I called her a day before Valentine’s Day and ended things. I swear, I’m not proud of it.

    I’m not sure how long it took, but I remember missing her terribly and reaching out to her. After courting her for a while, she sent an eight-minute-long voice note, politely advising me to take the friendship route.

    Favour*, 22

    My ex and I dated for six months. He had an insanely huge ego. He would treat me like someone he didn’t care about, so I just decided to end it. 

    Then he called me after a month or two, saying I should come back and we’ll figure it out. I genuinely thought he was doing better, but he actually became worse. He’d yell at me, call me names, then he kicked me out after begging me to move in with him. I’ve never experienced such staggering levels of see-finish in my life, and I genuinely feel like he only wanted me back because he couldn’t handle the fact that I actually wanted out.

    One day, I just stopped replying his texts, went back to get my things and never looked back.

    Bella*, 25

    I went back to them just for the sex. I couldn’t connect sexually with anyone else after the breakup, so I figured, why not?

    The first time we dated was for a year, and it was good, but we had different goals. He said I was too ambitious, and he wanted someone he could control. When we got back together for the second time, I won’t even lie, it was a lot better than I expected. He was emotionally intelligent and honest. But I tapped out mentally when I realised he didn’t know what he wanted.

    Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:

    Daniella*, 27

    My first boyfriend in uni came up with this stupid idea to tell each other who we were crushing on, so I did. He said he had a crush on my roommate, and I told him I was crushing on his friend. After that day, he started acting weird and just stopped talking to me. My friend asked him what the issue was, and he went on this tangent about how I knew he was insecure about his friend and he didn’t know how to feel about my crush. He sent me a message and ended the relationship. 

    I just went to my room, laid on the bathroom floor, and cried my eyes out that day. The next day, he finally spoke to me and said he couldn’t handle being away from me, but the thought of his friend and I made him really insecure. He said he’d thought about it for a while and understood better, so we got back together. We still broke up in the end because he kept talking about how he wasn’t enough for me, even though he loved me. Then he ghosted me again, and that was it.

    Laolu*, 22

    He was my gym trainer, and we were always extra touchy with each other, but we never dated. We fooled around for about six months and only stopped when his girlfriend came back to the country, and I started liking someone else. I had a great time with him and the sex was great. 

    After a while, we started meeting in random places for sex just because. He tried to make it a real relationship at some point, going on about how he loved me and my boyfriend at the time wasn’t good enough for me, but I wasn’t really interested in dating him at the time, so I paid him no mind.

  • Break-ups happen. Suddenly, that person you couldn’t go a day without speaking to is grouped with the other mistakes of your past. It’s a tale as old as time.

    But how do you make a clean break without relapsing and torturing yourself with memories of the good ol’ days? That’s where we come in. Follow this guide carefully.

    First of all, throw “closure” away 

    Closure shouldn’t keep you from moving on from a broken relationship. Why do you need to go back to someone who broke your heart to ask them why they broke your heart? People will argue that it’s necessary, but all it does is make your emotions more fragile than they already are. Just accept the breakup has happened, no going back.

    Allow yourself to grieve

    One mistake we tend to make is to hurriedly pull ourselves together. This isn’t the Olympics, dear. They’re not catching latecomers. This was someone you imagined a future with. It’s okay to mourn the loss of that future. It’s better to grieve now than to be doing “What if?” three years later.

    Don’t lie to yourself

    Deep down, you know you can’t be just friends with this person, so respectfully decline if they come at you with any “We can still be friends” BS. Unless you can live with that. In that case, do you, boo.

    Declutter

    Removing their pictures from your social media isn’t immaturity. It’s self-preservation. What would you gain from staring at loved-up pictures from the past or re-reading those sweet texts? Throw everything away.

    Don’t be shy to block

    You might be tempted to stalk them on social media or read meaning into their posts. Save yourself the heartache and block or hide their profiles. And by block, I mean, don’t go sending messages to check on them either. They’ll be fine. You need to be fine too.

    Do things that bring you joy 

    This might sound cliché, but immerse yourself in the things that you enjoy. Go out and try out that hobby that’s been on your bucket list for the longest time. The more you fill your time with things you love, the less time you’ll have to mope about your love life, and the more likely you are to find a replacement.

    Talk to friends

    You’ll need an accountability partner for the days when you’re tempted to risk it all and call up your ex.

    Never forget the possibility of disgrace

    If you skip everything else, never forget the possibility of disgrace. The person who broke your heart once can break it again if you lose guard.

    NEXT READ: How to Make Your Partner’s Old Money Family Fall for You

    [ad][/ad]

  • Ever found yourself in a space filled with your lover, exes and people who have seen you naked? It sometimes gets a little awkward which is why we’ve put together a list of icebreakers to help everyone relax into the possible orgy. 

    1.Do a roll call. 

    This roll call is important to know everyone is present, you need to be sure the room is actually filled with lovers, exes and everyone in that bracket. The sound of everyone saying “present” when you call their name is enough to break the ice and start an orgy. 

    2. Ask for a performance review.

    The first question on the performance review should be, “Shey I fit fuck?” so everyone knows the kind of responses to give. You already know what to do to anyone who replies negatively. Send them out of the room and out of your life since they’ve decided to be liars. 

    3. Ask them to prepare a doc to share with your future partner since they know so much about you. 

    It doesn’t matter if one or more of the people in the room is your current partner; the fact that they’re your partner today doesn’t mean they’ll be your partner tomorrow. Make sure everyone has a doc ready to save you the stress of participating in another talking stage. 

    4. Spin the bottle and pick a lucky person to go home with.

    When we say home, we mean home to your parents. Let the bottle decide who you get to spend the rest of your life with. You’re a catch and anyone the bottle lands on is going to be lucky to spend the rest of their lives with you. 

    5. Start the orgy.

    Of course, the orgy was going to happen, so why waste time when you can immediately get into it? Everyone is already in the room and the ice is already broken, lie down and tell everyone to take a position. 

    6. Tell them to start sharing testimonies.

    This is totally different from the performance review o. Line them up and give them a mic to talk about how you changed their life. Make sure the mics and speakers are very loud so passersby can hear about how wonderful you are.

     

    7. Challenge them to a dance-off.

    Put a chair in the middle of the room and ask them to dance. The winner gets to claim you since you’re such a prize. 

    8. Call a therapist and turn it into group therapy. 

    Call a therapist so everyone can get things off their minds. Ofcourse, you’re only doing this because you are so benevolent and you want them to heal from what other people have done to them. 

  • Not everyone hates their exes, some people still have fond memories of the ones who got away. Sometimes, relationships don’t work for reasons beyond our control and some people still hold their exes dear to them. Here are what some people have to say about their favourite ex:

    David, 35

    I have known her since I was in primary school, we grew up in the same area. My favourite thing about her was her pure innocence. Both of us spent a lot of time behind closed doors, gisting, playing games, talking about everyone in the family and sharing our dreams. At one point, we were told to stop closing the door (I never understood what was inferred until much later).

    We never went beyond kissing and hugging when we were much older and emotions were flying. I prayed to God that if I married her, I won’t ask for anything else. We were together for a little over 15 years, but we drifted apart when her family moved to another state. There were no reliable means of communication back then, so our relationship suffered. 

    We still talk till today and try to support one another emotionally especially if our partners are giving us sticks. We got married to different people after a brief stint of misunderstanding and have two children apiece.

    Gbemi, 24

    My favourite memory of her was the last time we saw each other physically. She relocated to another country a few months after we started dating to continue her education. It became a long-distance relationship from then, so I hadn’t seen her for like a year.  She flew back to Nigeria to spend a week, and during that time, we were only able to see each other once. It felt really special. 

    Many things make her so special, but if I’ll state one specifically, it would be her heart. She is a very loving and caring person, at times I wonder how anyone can be so selfless. She always puts others before herself! Although that is not necessarily always a good thing, it was something I admired a lot about her.

     

    I loved how timid and shy she can be, how understanding she is. How she knows how to listen to me or proffer solutions to my problems. She has a really big heart. We broke up because we couldn’t come to a middle ground regarding certain issues. She is from a Muslim background, a Muslimah to the core and her family holds their religious values in high esteem.

    It was also made clear that her family would never let her be with a non-Muslim and she wasn’t willing to change religions. I wasn’t willing to switch either. We talked about the consequences and we decided to let go of each other and go our separate ways.

    Mimi, 22

    My favourite thing was his heart and how easygoing he was. He always tried to make other people happy at his own expense. He was an open book, he rarely ever lied, he communicated his feeling and cried when he was sad. I never ever had to guess how he felt about me, even from when we just started.

    The hard part, it’s hard to explain but the whole relationship has been long-distance and we always thought we’d be in the same space at some point, but things keep changing our plans. There were a few reoccurring issues about some things and it felt like love wasn’t enough.

    We were together for 3yrs- we still talk from time to time.

    Prince

    My favourite thing about her is her selflessness, she’s bold and courageous, (na she dey ginger me most times). She cares a lot, if not too much and she’s very mature. 

    We dated for almost 3 years.it is the longest relationship I’ve been in. We met in the university, we were both in 200 level at the time. I told my mum about her, she said she prayed about it and we don’t fit. We continued dating for the rest of our time at university. I had to break up with her when she left for camp. She was so devastated because her mum had just died. 

    We broke up because of my parents – especially my mum. My mum hadn’t met her, yet she disliked her. We talk sometimes, a couple of months ago we connected with each other – I visited her last weekend.  

    Ada, 24

    He was and still is a very caring and understanding person. I think he’s the ex that has understood me the most. He’s also very supportive. He’s still a part of my life( no strings attached, just friends – at least on my own end).

    We dated for almost 2 years. I think my favourite thing about him was that he trusted my judgment, like how can someone just believe in you like that? Lol. He also cared for people I care about, from my family down to my friends. 

    Well, we broke up because I wasn’t in love with him. My conscience couldn’t help it anymore, I  had to end the relationship because he was getting serious and I knew I just wasn’t into him. We still talk, he patronizes my business as well, tries to send gifts but I just had to set up a boundary to avoid wahala.

    Tammy, 25

    My favourite memory of him is the day he found out he was going to be a dad, it was also the day he proposed to me. Unfortunately, our child didn’t survive. He is such an amazing person, very kind and caring. He never raised his voice at me, no matter how angry he got, and I annoyed him a lot because me sef I know I’m a lot to handle.

    We broke up because he cheated on me, after 2 years of being together.

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife

    *Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones. 

    Love life in Nigeria

    What’s your earliest memory of your partner? 

    Yinka: It was in 2005, and we were both in university. A choir was formed for a school event, and we both joined. I remember he was skinny and a little light-skinned.

    Kayode: Light-skinned and skinny? Na wa oh. Tough crowd. We went to the same university, shared a couple of mutual friends. In fact, my first-ever girlfriend, Kemi*, was friends with Yinka.

    Yinka: We are still friends. Before I married Kayode, I had to ask her for permission. Can you believe she even forgot she dated him? She’s married now though. 

    Kayode: I honestly don’t get why you had to ask for her permission. We dated a long time ago.

    Yinka: Believe it or not, she was my go-to person for all things you when we started dating. 

    So, how did you guys move from university friends to husband and wife? 

    Yinka: After graduating, we followed each other on Twitter and Instagram. In November 2016, we met again after school at his ex’s wedding. He dropped me off at my destination.

    Kayode: I remember us taking a picture together that day. Little did we know we’d end up together. 

    Yinka: Life. That day, when I got home, I realised that I couldn’t find my power bank and I buzzed him on IG to help me check his car. We never found the power bank, but it seemed to open the communication window for both of us. 

    Kayode: We were both in relationships back then, so it was nothing serious. Mostly me asking about job openings at the company she worked in. 

    Yinka: That was in 2016 and by then, I was flying solo. Meanwhile, he was still in a relationship. In fact, in 2017, Kayode proposed to his girlfriend and we all congratulated them. 

    The plot thickens. What were you doing during that period?

    Yinka: In 2018, I left the country for a job. One day, he replied my IG story with “Looks like you’re not in the country anymore.” I told him that I had japa-ed and he started talking about how he was trying the express entry programme but having problems with IELTS. I encouraged him. 

    Kayode: All this while, we never saw each other. 

    Yinka: Yes. He was still buzzing me about IELTS and blah, blah, blah. In May 2019, he asked for my number. Before giving him, I explicitly told him not to call me and he did. I was perplexed. 

    Do men listen? 

    Kayode: LMAO. Sometimes we do. 

    Yinka: He called me on my birthday and sang for me. I think it was from there his “Hellos” became regular. In July, we had a long conversation. Apparently, he thought I was married, not even sure why.

    Then he spoke about his relationship and how it ended some months ago. I was trying to resolve things, telling him that if he’s been with someone for eight years, surely they can sort out whatever differences they have. It was a long-ass call.

    Wait. Kayode was with his ex-girlfriend for 8 years? Why did things end?

    Kayode: Things didn’t work out as we planned. So we had to go our separate ways.

    Yinka: They didn’t go their separate ways oh. 

    Girl, lay this gist down, your hubby is being a hard guy. 

    Yinka: I’ll get to it. In August 2019, I moved to a new apartment, and he wanted me to carry him along on how that was going. We ended up talking and I finally opened up about my last relationship, which was in 2016. We got closer. I had to ask him one day if he fancied me.

    Kayode: I told her I did but didn’t want to get burned, so I was taking things one step at a time. 

    Yinka: I reached out to Kemi and she was like, “He broke up with his fiance,” and I had to reiterate that I had absolutely nothing to do with that. Kemi said Kayode was a good guy and I was like, “We’ll see.” 

    Were you scared that you were a rebound?

    Yinka: I’ll admit that I was sceptical that he was ready to move on. Emotions can be fickle, and I didn’t want to get caught in that mess. One evening, I asked him if he had moved on from his ex, and he said he wasn’t going back there so why stay stuck? I laid down my conditions because I wasn’t about to become the rebound girl.

    Kayode: To be fair, I already had my rebound with a 3-night stand. I knew you deserved better, so you were never a rebound to me. 

    Aww. I am curious about the conditions you laid, Yinka.

    Yinka: It was long-distance and he had talked about some issues in his previous relationship that I hoped would not be repeated. I wanted to know if he could do long-distance without copping some on the side.

    All our past experiences forced us to be more intentional in our relationship. 

    So, for how long did you guys date before getting married? 

    Yinka: A year but marriage was already in the works by December 2019. It didn’t come without its issues though. We started dating in September 2019, but he said he couldn’t let his ex-fiance know he was in a relationship. Excuse me, sir, what? 

    Ah. Kayode, an explanation would make my life better right now. 

    Kayode: I didn’t handle the situation well. I didn’t know how my ex would take it since we shared mutuals with Yinka.

    Yinka: I tried to be empathetic because it must have been hard to date someone for eight years, get engaged and even do an introduction only for things to end. I was like, I understand, but I really didn’t understand. I was plagued with guilt every now and then, and Kayode didn’t make it easy. 

    Yinka, Why did you feel guilty? It wasn’t your fault they broke up, right?

    Yinka: Yes, but they could have worked things out if pride didn’t get in the way. Plus, he was with me but holding on to her. 

    Kayode: I didn’t want to put our relationship out there so it didn’t come off as me rubbing it in her face. In doing that, I didn’t consider Yinka’s feelings. I wasn’t holding on to my ex, I just couldn’t deal with things face-on because of the situation.

    Yinka: It’s the little things. When I see your exes name saved as “*Ife luv”, it made me wonder if you were sure of who you wanted. It didn’t help that she was always putting cryptic messages on how she was jilted. I had to confront him. Are you sure you didn’t do more than you said you did? 

    Kayode: I didn’t intend to hurt you when I sent you that message with her name saved as “Ife luv”. It was carelessness on my part. I was also not trying to hide anything and it was an error on my part for not putting your feelings first. 

    Yinka: In my opinion, you should have created boundaries. You should have let her know you had moved on and allowed her to heal instead of checking in and sending her cash at will. It created the impression that you were readily available to her which was unnecessary. 

    Okay, guys. We need to back up. What happened with Kayode and his ex-fiance? 

    Yinka: So, his family had issues with some things she put up online, and it created a rift that dragged from 2017 till 2019. She said she couldn’t deal with them anymore, and he said his family was important to him. It was a mutual separation, but she always made it seem worse online.

    OMO. How did she react to you guys’ engagement and marriage?

    Kayode: There was no communication between us, so there was no need to know her position. We have moved on to a brighter future.

    Yinka: Oga, what are you saying? Kayode that went to the UK and came back with gifts for the second wife [the ex] because the home must be kept balanced. He will come and now say she knew he was travelling. 

    Kayode: This was before the whole boundary issues came up.

    Yinka: Babe, you’ve had boundary issues since September 2019. 

    Kayode: By March 2020, we settled all the boundary stuff na.

    Yinka: Really? Must be nice. 

    WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

    Yinka: Kayode is skipping pages. He didn’t let her know he was in a relationship. He must have told her when he handed her the things he bought for her. 

    Kayode: I thought we had passed to when everything was settled. 

    Yinka: When I came to Nigeria in December 2019, I found out that oga had been playing doctor and saviour for his ex. Giving her cash and tending to her needs. I was divided. I know he is a great guy, but he didn’t know when to draw the line. And it was worse because he saw nothing wrong with it. He kept saying, “I will handle it my way,” and that hurt my feelings. 

    So, he never told you when he did stuff for his ex while you guys were dating?

    Yinka: Nope.

    Kayode: Ah babe. Yes. I even asked if it was okay to assist her. 

    Yinka: What about the days that you would have loved to visit?

    Kayode: At least I made you know. It was naive of me because I thought you understood.

    Yinka: If I understood, we wouldn’t have the back and forth of doing things your way.

    Let me cut in and ask, Yinka, how did you find out he was doing these things for his ex?

    Yinka: I can be the FBI.

    Kayode: But I wasn’t hiding anything. 

    Yinka: Na so. That same December, one guy followed me on Instagram. I started probing the guy because I didn’t believe he just followed me randomly. Turns out he and Kayode had some issues when Kayode was still with his ex.

    It was after I showed the guy a blog post with Kayode’s picture that the guy realised that we were together. The guy told Kayode’s ex, and she went on a rampage, cursing him. I felt guilty because I had unknowingly set the ball rolling.

    I didn’t say anything malicious, I just wanted to know why the guy followed me. Anyway, Kayode ended up sending his ex money after that. He’s such a nice guy.

    LMAO.  This is so messy.

    Yinka: It gets worse. After accusing Kayode of digging into her life using that guy, she went online to say a bunch of things. She spoke about an ex who claims to have moved on yet is still trying to probe into her life.

    I was so confused because she did all these things and still collected money and gifts when Kayode gave her. I get she was hurting but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she made reference to my person. 

    Oh no, she didn’t!

    Yinka: She insinuated that he was only with me to leave the country and called him a demon. This happened in March 2020. By then, Kayode and I were taking marriage counselling classes. I wanted him to block her on all platforms and create boundaries because she was saying a lot of things online. 

    Kayode: This is why I didn’t want our relationship out there. It’s because of all this unnecessary drama. 

    Yinka: Then why didn’t you block her? After three days of waiting for him to do something, I took matters into my own hands and messaged her.

    What did she say in response?

    Yinka: She asked me not to interfere with matters I know nothing about. I wasn’t about to start exchanging words with her, so I deleted her message and kept things moving. I’m too classy for all that mess. She called Kayode, and he messaged me, asking why I contacted her.

    Is there any point where Kayode actually supported you?

    Kayode: To be fair, I asked if you contacted her.

    Yinka: Before proceeding to ask why I contacted her.

    While all of this was happening, were you having second thoughts about the relationship?

    Yinka: Yes. He was trying so hard to not offend her. If the separation was mutual, why was he overcompensating? She would say she couldn’t sleep and it will become a problem. I expected him to be more firm. At some point, she called me a schemer. 

    Ahhh.

    Yinka: His parents had to get involved because I blocked Kayode when he was saying nonsense about not doing things my way. 

    When was this?

    Yinka: In April 2020, after he called to confront me about contacting his ex. The relationship was not by force. I wasn’t desperate to be with anyone. I was doing fine by myself before he came into the picture. I didn’t need the stress. The annoying part was that she ended up being the one to block him.

    Kayode: No. I blocked her. I am not a social media person so, I didn’t care what was going on there. 

    How did this affect the wedding plans? 

    Yinka: His parents had gone to see mine in February. He still sent his ex-fiance cash after the introduction. I was still confused that when he dated his ex, he had no problem putting their pictures up but with us, he had issues doing that. 

    OMO.

    Yinka: In April, I told him to take a stance. He can’t be here and be trying to be there as well. I was afraid of being with a person who was only with me because they couldn’t be with another. 

    Kayode: This is my fault because I didn’t see things from her perspective back then, and it caused a lot of friction in our relationship. 

    Yinka: It all comes down to boundaries. She always managed to be in the picture. Interestingly, after they broke up, she’d ask about who he was dating and he’d gladly tell her and reassure her that he still loved her. He just couldn’t when we were together. 

    Is it because of the conditions you laid out?

    Yinka: I don’t know. He was probably not serious with the others, so it was easy to say oh, I’m just fooling around because I cannot stop thinking about you. And I don’t think he understood the extent to which it hurt my feelings. I tried to understand at first. I would have ended it the moment he said I cannot let her know I’m in a relationship.

    Kayode: I think I need to address this. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was doing what I felt was best at the time. I wasn’t hiding Yinka; I just wasn’t as open with our relationship. I was waiting for the ideal time to break it to my ex because I knew how tough it was for her.

    About sending her money, there were a few projects we were doing together, and I was just fulfilling my own end of the bargain. This does not excuse what happened, and I’m truly sorry. 

    Yinka: I forgive you and I always want you to know when to draw the line. You cannot please everybody.

    Oh wow. Tell me about being married.

    Yinka: We got married in October. I came to Nigeria and stayed for a few weeks. We are learning to cope with the distance. I find it normal, but he finds it tiring.

    Kayode: The distance is crazy, but it is worth it. 

    Yinka: I feel closer to him. We talk all the time and have dates over the phone. It’s strange, but we’ve only seen each other a few times since we started dating. Two weeks in December and when I came home for the wedding in October. 

    What does a typical day in this relationship look like?

    Kayode: We are always on video call. We go to the office together. We practically do everything together via video calls.

    Yinka: When I wake up, I call him cause it’s afternoon at his, and we talk till I get to work. I call during my lunch break to say hello. He stays up till I leave the office and then we talk for a bit before he sleeps. The plan is to have him here with me as soon as possible.

    Interesting. How do you manage the sexual parts of this relationship?

    Yinka: There was no sex when I came in December 2019. Although we made out. 

    Oh wow. A celibate relationship. 

    Yinka: As a person, I’m still trying to figure sex out. We still haven’t had sex. I’ve never had penetrative sex so, after the wedding, I wasn’t ready, and he wanted me to take my time. I think my mind thinks of the pain, and my muscles just clench. 

    Okay, guys. On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life. 

    Yinka: I’d say 8/10. We are in a good place, willing to grow and learn from each other and in life. I worry sometimes that something would happen to him, and I would not get to love him like I want to.

    There is so much I’d love to do with him and the distance doesn’t help. He is an amazing man who admits his imperfections and is willing to be better. I just hope we have a lot of time together to explore what life has for us. He definitely has made me a better person in his own way.

    Kayode: I would say 7/10. We still have a lot to explore. It’s a 7 because I feel we are doing well with the distance.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    [donation]