Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 36-year-old man who has slept with almost 200 women. He talks about being discouraged from sex by his mother when he was young, discovering sex as an undergraduate abroad, and his efforts towards having more meaningful relationships.
What was your first experience with sex?
I first had sex when I went to the UK for university. My mother was very strict about sex. She always warned me that I must never be too close to women and must never even think about sex. She knocked the fear of sex into me. I didn’t interact much with girls in secondary school because of my mom’s warning.
So your first time, tell me about it.
I was 18 in London when a girl walked up to me, flirted and asked if I wanted to go to her apartment to “play video games.” I didn’t know she was flirting and wanted to have sex with me but I wasn’t interested in playing video games with her. It was until a year later, when we met again at a bar, that I realised that she really wanted to sleep with me.
We went back to her apartment. I pretended like I was experienced and in control but inside, I was freaking out. Things were going smoothly until I didn’t know how to wear a condom. I somehow figured it out and we had sex for five minutes. I reached down to touch her vagina like I had read in books, and she was very wet. In my naive mind, I thought the condom had broken and that it was my sperm and when I told her that I think the condom had broken, she freaked out. When we realised that it was my mistake, she was still creeped out by the whole thing, realised I was a virgin and asked me to leave and blocked my number. I became so depressed.
Did you try to have sex again?
There was this time I was with a Chinese girl but we didn’t have sex because I couldn’t figure out how to put on a condom.
I was a JJC and didn’t know anything about sex, thanks to my upbringing.
After this, I kinda spiralled. I’d go to a club, meet a girl, go home with her, have some bad sex, rinse and repeat. I was having sex with two or three new women a week. Before I knew it, my body count was almost 50.
I realised I had to slow down.
Why were you sleeping with so many new people?
I felt like I had lost so much time being a virgin that I had to catch up. It was the thrill and excitement of it. But it was all physical. I never got into an emotional relationship with them.
I tried to enter a relationship and stop sleeping with so many new people. I started going on dates with people with a plan to settle down, but that didn’t help matters. We’d go have coffee or dinner and we’d somehow end up having sex that day and I’d lose interest in the person.
I thought the problem was that I was dating mostly white women or non-Nigerian black women and that if I moved back to Nigeria, I’d finally be able to settle down.
I came back for my NYSC with the idea that Nigerian women were more conservative and would be less open to having casual sex than foreign women.
Somewhat, but they came with their own set of problems. I met this woman who I didn’t have sex with because I wanted to actually get to know her and like her first. The problem was, she was always asking for money. There was always an urgent need she had. I usually obliged. Eventually, when it became too much, I complained to a mutual friend about her constant requests for money.
How did that go?
One day, she showed up at my apartment. She was unhappy and said it wasn’t fair that I reported her to our friend. Then she stripped down and said she’s ready to “give in.”
Wow. What did you do?
I asked what that meant and she said that if it’s sex I wanted, I should come have it. I freaked out and asked her to wear her clothes back because there’s no way I’d have sex with her that way. I drove her back home and that was the end of that.
I dated a few more people but when I found out that one of the women I was seeing actually had a boyfriend, I realised Nigerian babes weren’t much different from the girls I’d met in other places. At this point, I decided that I’d just go back to having casual sex.
How did you make the switch?
I started sleeping with “runs girls”. My friend would introduce me to them, we’d have sex, I’d give them some money, and that would be the end of that. I was meeting lots of women who were willing to have sex with me, in exchange for some cash. It was convenient for me because I had some money to spare, and I never had to meet them again. With this, my body count rose to close to a hundred.
Omo. One hundred. So this continued till when?
In 2010 I went back to London for my masters. At this point, I was somewhat more mature and I didn’t want to have casual meaningless sex anymore. At the same time, it was my final year of being in a university environment and I didn’t want that to go to waste. So from 2010 to 2011, I was just sleeping with people but I was still looking for a relationship. And then Tinder happened.
I was one of the earliest users of Tinder, right after the beta testing. I was meeting women all the time. When I came back to Nigeria, I met even more people than my first time because there were a lot of sex workers on there. However, sex with them was satisfactory at best. Most of them treated it like it was a chore which didn’t work for me, because I like it when the person I’m sleeping with is super involved and into it.
What was being in constant contact with multiple women like?
It was stressful. I know people like to say, “Ah, he’s a Yoruba demon” but it was really difficult. Having energy for multiple people was draining and I like to remain consistent with my energy. I don’t like introducing people to a vibe I can’t maintain.
What happened next?
In 2017, I went back to the UK for my PhD. I took up dancing. I joined a tango dance club and I was always meeting new women there, and women love men who dance. At this point, my mom, who had always discouraged me from associating with women, was now asking me to start making plans to marry. I wasn’t sleeping with as many women — I slept with only about 30 people in 2018.
I dropped out of my PhD, moved back to Nigeria and got depressed trying to figure out my direction in life. I became a software developer and got a job in Lagos. In 2019, I got a job in Germany and moved here. I decided that this time, I’d stop sleeping around. In three months, I only slept with 5 women.
In 2020, I made a conscious effort to reduce the number of women I was sleeping with. I got tired of mere physical entanglements without knowing the person I was sleeping with. I’d had sex with women from most races and there just wasn’t any thrill in the chase anymore.
So what’s happening these days?
I ensure I get to know the person and enjoy the person first before having sex. Right now, I’m sleeping with only one person constantly, a German. We enjoy sex with each other and love each other’s company. I hope we can become something more serious soon. I’ve been seeing a therapist and sorting through the childhood issues that made me this way, like the fear of commitment or abandonment. I wish I hadn’t slept with all those women. I was looking for something that I couldn’t find through casual meaningless sex.
When was the last time you had casual sex?
March. I’m making an effort not to sleep with new people. It’s hard, but I’m making it work.
What would you rate your sex life?
A healthy 8. I’m enjoying sex with this woman and I’m not really looking for anything new.
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