The Zikoko Guide On How To Become An Old Nollywood Bad Boy

February 26, 2021

From Jim Iyeke to Hanks Anuku, Nollywood knew how to make the perfect bad boy that simultaneously leaves you rolling your eyes while also going, damn! Here we guide you on how to become one yourself!

Get Your Accent Game Up.

First of  all and perhaps most importantly, you need an accent. This is what differentiates you from the other boys. Get an American accent, get an European accent, get a Nigerian Lagos-meets-Abuja accent and mix it all together with a sprinkle of something that seems to be but isn’t exactly a Jamaican accent. So when you speak it is almost like a legion of spirits – read demons – are speaking through you. Also, don’t forget to claim you got the accent because you schooled in the overseas. Did you study in America? Europe? No one knows but you schooled in the ‘overseas’ for two years and now speak in five accents. Get this and you have started your journey down the Nollywood bad boy path.

Headwear Does Matter.

How do you tell a good boy from a bad one? By their headwear you shall know them. A good boy calmly wears his face cap and puts the front in the front but a bad boy? They don’t play the rules. Jauntily throw it up and wherever it lands on your head is where they’ll wear it for the rest of the day.

Don’t Forget Your Rich Parents.

To be a Nollywood bad boy, you need rich parents. Who else will send you on a world tour to learn how to mix five different accents and say ‘I wanna gonna, mate’? Exactly. Who will buy a hundred face caps that you will wear incorrectly? You also need them to be a little bit opposed about your bad boy lifestyle just enough so they can say they tried but eventually they’ll still give you the money to be your bad self.

Mum and Dad: Jim, you can’t keep doing this. You need to become responsible.

Jim the bad boy: Bloody hell, mum and dad. You guys don’t understand. I ain’t one of them quiet boys. I’m a bad boy.

*Jim shifts his cap to the back to show them he means business*

Mum and dad: Okay, Jim. We have tried. Here is N500,000. Buy more caps.

Stock Up On Strange Weapons.

Next up, as a bad boy you need weapons. Your weapon of choice is often an ax. Now why an ax? We don’t know. It’s small and so won’t do much damage. Plus you are not Thor so if you throw it, it won’t come back. Do you see why this makes no sense? But don’t ask us questions, ask Nollywood. You may also choose a weird small gun that you’ll tuck into your trousers and crotch. Is there a possibility that you’ll blow off your penis? Yes but we move, innit? Bloody hell.

You Need A Bad Girl but You Also Need A Good Girl.

To start, you need a ‘bad’ girl. Someone that matches you. You guys will probably have ‘his and her’ axes. She doesn’t open the doors of cars before she enters, this includes even the ones that have roofs. Her accent confuses even you, and she ties a bandana AND wears a cap incorrectly. Match made in heaven, yeah? Until you meet a good  girl in your neighborhood who doesn’t like you and who you don’t share any similarities or interests with but you are convinced there is something here for you two to bond over. Does it make sense? Then again, what about a Nollywood bad boy does?

Desmond

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