Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the 1998 classic Nollywood movie, “Died Wretched.”
The wig Eucharia’s has on in this poster will haunt my dreams for eternity.
There are some Nollywood movies that, based on their titles alone, you know will be about one someone (or people) just suffering anyhow from start to finish. That’s exactly what “Died Wretched” is about. Brace yourself for the impact of onscreen poverty accompanied by a sad as hell late 90s Nollywood soundtrack.
The movie starts with a man named Lucas (Tom Njemanze) returning from work. You can tell that Lucas is going through it because he’s on a bus with his coworkers and they’re talking about how they haven’t been paid salaries in two months. Lucas gets home to find his children in various stages of despair.
You see, because he hasn’t been paid in so long, they’re dirt poor and can’t afford anything to buy food. After spending some time in his room wondering why sapa has him in a chokehold…
…he decides to offer up one of his sons as a sales boy to an old colleague of his named Mayor.
Mayor doesn’t take Lucas’ son as a sales boy because he thinks it’ll be weird, but he does give Lucas N50,000. He talks about Lucas’ billionaire nephew, Chris (Tony Umez), and asks why Lucas hasn’t asked him for money yet. Lucas says that Chris always makes promises but never delivers. Lucas goes to Chris’ house the next day but Chris isn’t home. He meets his wife, Sarah (Eucharia Anunobi) instead. Sarah calls Chris and they have a conversation that goes like this:
Sarah doesn’t send Lucas home, though, because she feels bad for him and wants Chris to help. While they’re waiting for Chris to return, Lucas reveals to Sarah that he too used to be rich as fuck but all that changed when the fire nation attacked.
I couldn’t help myself.
All that changed when Chris got arrested and Lucas had to use all his money to get Chris out of jail. He says he also paid Chris’ way through school and is super pissed that Chris is refusing to give him money to start a business. And while I get why he’s upset, his entire thing is doing my body somehow because it reeks of entitlement. Maybe it’s just me sha.
Chris gets back and finds Lucas sleeping in the living room. He goes to his and Sarah’s bedroom and gets into a fight with her for not sending Lucas home as he asked. Sarah reads him for filth, telling him to stop being a stingy bastard and help the man who sacrificed so much for his success. Chris agrees to give Lucas a house and N5 million to start a spare parts business. Lucas is excited and immediately goes to find a shop to rent. When he returns to Chris to get rent money for the shop, Chris says:
And Lucas immediately starts going:
Which makes Chris go:
To calm Lucas down, Chris gives him a wad of cash and begs him to be patient. But Lucas gets angry and storms out with the cash, screaming that he doesn’t need Chris’ help anymore because the embarrassment he has faced is too much. It’s revealed soon after that Chris is a lying piece of shit who is cheating on Sarah. We even see him buy his side chick a car.
Meanwhile, Lucas and his family get thrown out of their house for owing rent. It’s revealed here that Lucas believes that Sarah is the reason Chris doesn’t deliver on his promises. He insists that Sarah has instructed Chris to not give money to his relatives. This is insane because Sarah is the one who keeps pleading on his behalf.
Lucas’s wife, Joy (Rachel Oniga), shows up at Chris’ office one day looking distraught. Chris thinks she has come for the money he promised and writes a check but this happens:
He and Joy sit together and cry unintentionally hilarious tears.
Chris goes home to inform Sarah that Lucas is dead and she’s like:
Chris and Sarah go to the village to plan Lucas’ burial. At the meeting with their other relatives, Chris stands up and announces that he wants to give Lucas a befitting burial by spending a shit ton of money on it. One guy present is like:
Before Chris can respond, the women at the meeting start a fight with Sarah, accusing her of being the reason Chris never helped Lucas. Sarah holds her own against the women and I am AROUSED.
Six months pass and it’s finally time for the burial. Chris goes all out with the preparations. As Lucas’ casket is being lowered into the ground, the pastor halts proceedings and uses bible verses to indirectly insult the shit out of Chris. Then Lucas is buried and everyone…
Do you know what will always bother me about this movie? Certain plot threads are never tied up. Like Chris’ side chick or the fact that Chris never said a word to support Sarah when his people thought she was the reason for his stinginess.