Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today I’ll be recapping the insanely problematic 2010 Nollywood franchise, White Hunters.
Among the popular fashion trends that have come and gone in women’s fashion, the abortion belt was the fucking worst.
Contrary to what the name will have you believe, White Hunters is not about women hunting white men for sport in a Hunger Games-style arena. It’s a Nollywood franchise consisting of FOUR MOVIES about a group of women who have decided to exclusively date white men as a way to lift themselves out of poverty and elevate their status in society.
The movies chronicles all the insane things these women do just to bag rich white niggas. They also kick-started my trust issues because we were promised Caucasians but were given light-skinned Lebanese dudes who could barely speak English.
Let’s get into the movie.
The movie starts with Tabitha (Ini Edo) having a conversation with her boyfriend about how she can no longer fucking deal with his poverty. She shames him for earning ₦150,000 a month and tells him to go find greener pastures on another continent. Her boyfriend points out that it’s the year 2010 and ₦150,000 a month is still a huge deal but she’s completely over it.
As they’re talking, Tabitha’s white side piece, Ballack shows up. She sends her boyfriend to buy her ice cream and runs off with Ballack the second her boyfriend leaves. If you think one white nigga is enough for Tabitha, think again because, in the very next scene, Tabitha is getting her snail eaten by another white guy named O’Brian in the front seat of his car, while her friend, Pamela (Mercy Johnson), just sits there in the back.
Unknown to Tabitha, Ballack is friends with O’Brian and is approaching the car to say hi. When they spot Balak, Tabitha jumps out of a car into a bush. When Pamela later asks Tabitha why she’s such a white man’s whore, Tabitha explains that deep-throating every white man she encounters is her ticket to the good life. Pamela is like:
While on a date a few days later, Ballack informs Tabitha that he’s being transferred to Germany for work and wants her to come with him. Tabitha is not pleased by this and promptly tells him:
She convinces him to relocate to France instead and he agrees on the condition that she becomes his wife. She agrees but keeps the marriage lowkey so she can keep scamming white men.
Meanwhile, Pamela has a Nigerian fiancé named Ben, who has travelled to the UK to do some wedding shopping. When he gets back, Pamela picks him up from the airport and drives him home so she can check out all the wedding stuff. As she’s excitedly trying on the wedding dress, some random woman comes in and introduces herself as Ben’s fiancée.
Shocked by this revelation, Pamela passes out, halfway into trying the wedding dress she thought was hers. This experience is Pamela’s villain origin story. The next time we see her, a year has passed and she has become a happening babe, teaching her friend from the village, Elsie, how to get white men.
We’re introduced to a new character named Peggy (Funke Akindele) who’s an old friend of Tabitha. Peggy has been taken home by her boyfriend to meet his parents because he wants to her marry her but they kick her out when they find out she’s an illiterate secondary school dropout who can’t read. Determined to better herself, she forces her way into Tabitha’s life.
Tabitha informs Pamela that she’s throwing a party for her husband who’s returning from France. Pamela attends the party expecting to see Ballack and is shocked as hell when Tabitha introduces ANOTHER white man named Andre as her husband.
Tabitha explains that Andre is her second husband, and that neither one of her husbands knows about the other. Pamela gives Tabitha three gbosa and goes back to the party to find her own white man. They later fight when Pamela is unsuccessful with her quest and Tabitha refuses to hook her up with white men.
Peggy is also at the party hunting for white men when her Nigerian boyfriend (who was also there trying to pick up girls) sees and breaks up with her, throwing her out of his house in the process. She tries to move in with Tabitha but gets a swift:
So she worms her way into living with Pamela.
Pamela goes to her usual salon to make her hair and is told that the salon no longer caters to spinsters. She’s told that the salon will now be catering solely to the wives of white men, a decision made by a group of women who call themselves THE WHITE MEN’S WIVES LEAGUE.
I paused the movie at this point because I had to:
This infuriates Pamela so much, she resorts to chatting with white men online in a cybercafe in an attempt to bag a white man. She starts chatting with a man named Carter Walsh, gets engaged to him without knowing what he looks like, and gets super excited when he says he’s flying to Nigeria to see her.
Carter Walsh ends up being a 72-year-old man who sounds like Dracula with a sore throat and Pamela is disgusted.
After shaming Carter for being hella old, Pamela is about to leave when Carter makes her an insane offer.
She turns down his offer at first but later accepts after a run-in with Tabitha makes her super desperate. She takes him home to introduce him to her parents and while her dad is screaming in confusion about his daughter wanting to marry the crypt keeper, Carter has a heart attack and fucking DIES IN THEIR LIVING ROOM.
Peggy meets an Indian man at a supermarket who she hilariously refers to as Indiana Jones and invites him for lunch at her place. Knowing that Pamela won’t approve — because she’s still staying at Pamela’s house — Peggy convinces Elsie to slip a sleeping drug into Pamela’s food. The movie just glosses over this like it’s not a fucking horrible thing to do to a person.
Indiana Jones shows up, smelling like he fell into vat of liquid garlic, which makes Elsie and Peggy quietly go:
Peggy is still desperate for a white husband so she keeps seeing Indiana Jones. She goes to his house to bump genitals but can’t go through with it because his bedroom stinks.
She decides that a life of garlic stench is not worth it and leaves.
Things take a turn for the supernatural IN THE FOURTH FUCKING MOVIE when a close friend of Tabitha named Phina reveals to Peggy and Pamela that Tabitha has used jazz to steal all their spiritual destinies. Phina takes them to a babalawo she claims can help. To free their destinies and also acquire the power to entice any white man they choose, the babalawo instructs Peggy to sleep in a cemetery for three days straight without eating or showering, and tells Pamela to bury a three-month old baby alive.
He also gives Pamela special makeup (powder and lipstick), telling her not to let anyone else use it. In typical Nollywood fashion, Elsie comes into Pamela’s room one day looking for powder and uses the special one. Elsie starts getting propositioned by random white men on the road and Pamela gets the hilarious side effect of being SUPER MEGA HORNY ALL THE TIME.
They go back to the babalawo to reverse the horniness and he’s says the only way to do that is to sleep with a man. Pamela is relieved because that seems easy enough but then babalawo adds that the man she sleeps with has to be the only person she sleeps with for the next seven years. The consequence of straying is death.
Meanwhile, Elsie has taken advantage of her new found white man attraction powers and has moved in with O’Brian, the white man Pamela was seeing before all this happened. Pamela begs Elsie to leave O’Brian for her but Elsie is like:
Pamela proceeds to spend her days harassing men on the street to have sex with her.
Peggy’s own jazz backfires too and her left leg turns into a block of wood covered in sores (?)
If you’re wondering what happens to Tabitha, her first husband, Ballack, returns to the country unannounced and catches her with her second husband.
They both storm out, leaving her in a puddle of tears.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
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