Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping the Nollywood movie, “The President’s Daughter.”
If you’re wondering if it’s intentional that I’m recapping the fourth Regina Askia movie in the “So You Don’t Have To” series, the answer is yes. Yes, it is. Why? Because she’s fine as hell and I’m obsessed with her. Now that we’ve addressed that:
The movie starts with Vanessa, the president’s daughter (played by the goddess Regina Askia) returning to Nigeria from America. She’s dressed like every old Nollywood bad girl you’ve ever seen: scantily clad in a bandana tube top, chunky jewellery, unreasonably long acrylic nails, and a wig that looks like it was stolen from Halle Berry’s trailer on the set of X-Men (2000).
Vanessa has returned to Nigeria because she’s was kicked out of medical school for “drug abuse and reckless lifestyle,” according to her parents. Vanessa’s mother is weirdly chill about her daughter being a drug addict and her father is bothered but for the wrong reason.
As Vanessa returns home from the airport, her parents call her into the living room to have a talk with her. The way she walks in is truly the funniest caricature of an IJGB I’ve ever seen.
This entire movie is just Regina Askia doing her best impression of Hanks Anuku in every movie he’s ever been in and I’m living for it.
Vanessa’s father says that as punishment for being thrown out of school abroad, she has to attend Unilag to complete her education. Vanessa laments like attending a Nigerian school is the worst possible thing that could happen to her. And honestly, I feel her pain because have you been to a Nigerian university lately? As a way to ensure she doesn’t get in trouble, her father orders one of his bodyguards named Roger to be with her at all times. Right in front of her father, Vanessa sexually propositions Roger.
When Vanessa finds out that she’ll have to spend four years in Unilag, she’s like:
And the Vice Chancellor is like:
Meanwhile, Vanessa hasn’t had any cocaine since she’s been back in Nigeria because Roger the bodyguard follows her everywhere. While at a bar one night, she plots with her friend, Achika (Susan Patrick), to distract Roger so she can go eat a few handfuls of drugs with some random guy in the bathroom of the bar.
The plan works and Vanessa is able to inhale some coke before Roger finds her and takes her home. What comes next is this iconic scene:
I’d always wondered what the point of this scene was and it turns out there isn’t one. Vanessa walks in with Achika, tells the store attendant to “charrap,” and demands that everyone else in the store leave so she can shop. She then buys three of the exact same top…
…and pays with a shit ton of cash, a jarring reminder that in the year this movie was made, online banking in Nigeria wasn’t a thing yet.
Vanessa is jonesing for some coke again so she and Achika escape from Roger under the guise of going to rent video tapes.
They go see a drug dealer who carries around a giant cross for some reason.
As they’re all snorting lumps of cocaine in unison…
…random gunmen burst in and shoot the cross-wielding guy in the face. As the gunmen are about to shoot Vanessa and Achika, Roger rushes in and kills them both. He then takes the girls home.
Vanessa, Achika, and a few gentlemen friends of theirs go to a club the very next night. After an exhausting 15-minute dance montage set to Jennifer Lopez’ “If You Had My Love,” they all go outside to do cocaine. As they’re all hitting cloud nine, they get caught by the police.
They get arrested and the news is splashed all over newspapers the next day.
This is killing me because you can tell this “newspaper” was made in Microsoft word and printed out with no colour.
At the police station, Vanessa bitches about being the president’s daughter and hurls threats at the police men.
But their oga is like:
This line delivery is so unintentionally funny that one of the actors present in the scene looks straight into the camera and almost breaks character:
Vanessa thinks her father will pull strings to get her out but is shocked as hell when he lets the case go to court.
Vanessa’s drug scandal jeopardises her father’s plans to get re-elected as president. In a fit of rage, he blames his wife for how Vanessa has turned out, but his wife refuses to take shit and reads him for filth.
“YASSSSSS! UP FEMCO!!!!” – Me, while watching this scene.
Vanessa’s father has to choose between pulling strings to get her released OR letting the law run its course so the people’s faith in him can be restored. He chooses the former, leading to Vanessa getting sentenced to fifteen years imprisonment. His plan works and he wins the re-election.
I’m not even kidding that’s where the movie ends. This is truly the most chaotic Nollywood movie I have ever seen.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.