Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be recapping this ABSOLUTELY BONKERS article I found named “7 Steps To Grooming Your Young Christian Wife”.
The original article in a nutshell.
So I was taking a stroll down the murky streets of Twitter a few days when a very kind reader of the”So You Don’t Have To” series sent this article to me. Going by the title alone, I assumed it was satire and the reader just thought I’d enjoy it. As I scrolled through the article, I realised, in horror, that it was no joke.
About The Source
The article “7 Steps To Grooming Your Young Christian Wife” was first published on a website named biblicalgenderroles.com. The site is run by a guy who works in IT during the day and moonlights as a deranged marriage counsellor at night. Using the pen name, Larry Solomon, he dishes out (Tyler Perry levels of) terrible marriage advice to Christian couples who write in seeking his guidance. Just like the guy named Robert who sent this in.
Me reading this:
If you thought that was bad, Larry Solomon’s reply will make your jaw drop. Let’s start with the first part of the article.
Larry starts by saying that whether Robert realises it or not, what he really needs is a tutorial on how to groom his young wife. However, he knows that the word “grooming” sets off many alarms so he proceeds to explain that even though most people associate the word with “paedophiles preying on children, sex traffickers conditioning women for prostitution, or husbands conditioning their wives to allow them to abuse them,” grooming is actually allowed in this case:
Because of Ephesians 5:25-27 where God said:
After engaging in incredible stretching feats to “prove” that it’s every husband’s God-given right to groom his wife, he lists out 3 preconditions that must be in place before grooming can take place.
I first read that as “Beliebers” and briefly lost my mind.
I’m guessing biblicist Christian still sacrifice farm animals when they want to appease God.
You see, when a questionable process that a person claims was made by God mysteriously only works on young minds and not older people (i.e people more likely to see through bullshit), that process is in fact bullshit.
*Insert the Law & Order sound*
1) Unlearn What Your Culture Has Taught You: In this, Larry says that for this process to work, both husband and wife have to reject modern society’s adult/child paradigm (children have limited rights until they reach adulthood and then they have full autonomy) and accept the bible’s rule, where only men have full autonomy and women are under the authority of them, the church, and society at large.
2) Learn and Accept Biblical Gender Roles: Women regarding their husbands as their Lords, taking care of the home, being a nun in the streets and a freak in the sheets, etc.
3) Seek Out A Male Spiritual Mentor: Larry says this is to help the husband groom his wife better. But I know it’s so there’s another misogynistic man around to knock “sense” back into the husband if he ever decides to give his wife rights.
4) You Must Teach Your Wife Biblical Gender Roles: Because the bible says wives must learn everything from their husbands, Larry says that after a husband has learned everything about biblical gender roles, he should proceed to indoctrinate his wife.
5) Get Your Wife A Female Spiritual Mentor: To avoid wives getting advice from sensible friends telling them to pack their shit and run for the hills, Larry advises husbands to bring in older women who fully embrace and live out biblical gender roles (i.e old patriarchy princesses) to mentor their wives.
6) Mould Your Wife Into The Glorious Wife You Want Her To Be: I would narrate this point to you but I need you guys to see, for yourselves, how fucking insane it is:
7) Discipline Your Wife: Not only does Larry encourage husbands to discipline their wives, he even offers ways to do it:
Oh wait! There’s more!!
And when asked if he spanks his wife, he says:
He ends the article with this:
With some other stuff about engaging in spiritual battles with your wife if she refuses to be groomed so she’ll never control the marriage.
Me, after reading the entire thing: