Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s piece is an excerpt from the book, Another Warning.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
From what I could find out, Ubani Kingsley is a man who has had so many personal encounters with God that even Moses would’ve been like “Kilode?”. He claims to have dedicated his life to preaching salvation and bringing deliverance to his people, the members of Fountain of Salvation Ministries International, a church he founded. The book promises that reading brother Ubani’s experiences in his own words will forever change your life.
According to brother Ubani, it was the 21st of June, 2012. He had woken up at 2:10 am to have his quiet time when he felt a presence in his room. He didn’t bother to check, though, because he was sure he’d properly locked his doors before turning in so he kept on doing his thing until he heard someone call his name at 2:57 am. He turned around and saw three men standing there, dressed in white. Two of them had wings and swords. The third man was the son of God, Jesus Christ, Superstar.
This also means that Jesus appeared in Ubani’s room and waited for 47 MINUTES before announcing his presence. WHY?
Brother Ubani says he was terrified until Jesus asked him to quit freaking out and confirmed that he was only there to congratulate him for him being such a good messenger in the past. As a token of appreciation, Jesus gave brother Ubani super-secret gist.
Immediately after this groundbreaking tea, brother Ubani says that Jesus asked him why his house smelled like garbage. Ubani, super embarrassed, began looking for any forgotten pile of dirt that could be causing this but one of the angels was like, “The stench is coming from there,” gesturing to the corner of Ubani’s room containing his DVD. The other angel walked over to the CD collection and brought out a couple of movies that included the following titles: Clash of The Titans, Vs the Bagdad, Cruel War, The Delta Force, Okochi (Igbo film) Wrestling Films and also, some Christians Music.
I don’t know what those other things are so all I got from that last part was the casual Clash of the Titans slander thrown in. Ubani says all this happened in June 2012, just three months after the release of Wrath of the Titans (sequel to the 2010 Clash of the Titans remake) was released. So it’s safe to assume that the copy Ubani owned was of the 2010 remake, which means that the angels weren’t wrong to say it stank because that movie actually SUCKED ASS.
I see what they did there.
This happened next:
Ubani says that hearing this from Jesus deeply terrified him. Implying that unlike the rest of us, Ubani somehow never got caught up in the Illuminati/Hollywood collabo conspiracy YouTube attacked everyone with during the late 2000s/ early 2010s.
According to Ubani, Jesus said this next:
All this made me imagine is Satan and a few demons jamming hard to Heavy Metal whenever hell gets word that yet another Christian has bought a pair of low waist, skinny jeans.
Jesus even told Ubani to be wary of some Christian music, as Satan has found a way to influence some of them to initially sound Christian but later fill your mind with filth when you’re less spiritually alert.
They never tell us how to tell the difference.
According to Ubani, Jesus goes on to say that anyone claiming to be a gospel artiste but releases tracks in any genre that worldly people would consider “popping” is a dirty liar and a fake bitch who lives a dirty life.
Check out this bit of information which registers as shade thrown at 80% of Nigerian churches:
The whole thing ends with this message:
And after what I guess were the parting words of “Ngwa bye!” and a quick wave, Jesus & the angels left.
And this just left me with more questions than answers. Like, do they really have to make stops at every country in the WOLRD containing Christians? What’s the point of being the son of God if you can’t just sit on your blinged-out throne and send out a mass telepathic message? You know, like Professor X does with Cerebro?
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.