I got bored over the weekend, and as my mind was flying up and down, I thought, “What if Davido played a role in a Nollywood horror movie? What character would he portray well? What about Don Jazzy? Asa?”
When you have thoughts like this as a Zikoko writer, the next thing to do is pitch it to your editor. And so, I asked to do an article where I cast Nigerian musicians as stars of a Nollywood movie. Call it River of Gold.
Without reading this, you already know Blaqbonez is the talkative gateman of the wealthy businessman, that does unnecessary silly theatrics, and sings unprovoked. The twist, however, is that his bebelube is going to get him in trouble. He’ll stumble on information about his boss he shouldn’t know and get used for rituals in the first 20 minutes of the movie.
2. Don Jazzy
Pete Edochie and Kanayo O. Kanayo are shaking. In this movie, Don Jazzy has used every single person close to him — except his wife and children — for money rituals. That’s even why D’Prince is not in this movie.
Don Jazzy was in his bathroom bathing with the blood of a virgin when Blaqbonez, his gateman, barged in to tell him to stream his latest song, “Raba”. You already know what happened next.
Don Jazzy’s wife. The only reason she’s alive is that the babalawo told Don Jazzy that he’ll run out of fortune if anything ever happened to his wife. Asa doesn’t care though. She’s focused on her importing business and only has time for her two kids. And her kids? All they do is bully house help because they’re spoilt.
4. Zlatan and DJ Cuppy
The two kids. Perfectly clueless. Just vibing. They have only like 2 minutes of screen-time combined. Acting is very bad.
The house help. He’s a bit too good at his job and he never complains even though all he does is get tortured by Don Jazzy’s children.
Everyone in the village loves him because he goes around helping people and giving expensive gifts, but they don’t know he’s the reason people go missing from the village every month. They don’t suspect him too. A smart man.
7. Teni Makanaki
She’s the priestess in charge of all the ritual killings. She meets Don Jazzy on week nights and Davido on weekends. They don’t know she’s the one running it for both of them.
8. Rema and Tems
They’re the police investigators sent from the city to find out why people are going missing so frequently. Davido buys them over pretty quickly. What can small ₦5m not do?
9. Tiwa Savage
The village witch. She’s not important to the story like that. Everyone just knows she’s the village witch that used to eat people’s children a long time ago. But she’s lost most of her power and can now only cause stuff like measles, breakouts and period pain. Basically, she fell off as a witch.
The village youth pastor. He’s the one that eventually uses prayers and a big Bible to burn down Teni’s shrine and expose Davido. Also, his prayers somehow bring back all the people that have died from the rituals, and there’s a big happy reunion. To God be the Glory!
11. Ayra Starr
She’s the fine village girl Davido promised to marry and give the entire world to. She loves him with all her heart and soul and might. She stands in the corner and tearfully watches as Davido confesses his sins and is dragged out of the village to be stoned. The camera pans to her stomach. She’s with his child. That child will avenge his father. Watch out for part 2.
12. Kizz Daniel
Nobody remembers his role, except that he was too cool to act properly. He’s fine though, which is why the director left him in the movie.