9 Questions About Game Of Thrones (From A Non-Viewer)

April 15, 2019

As you’ve definitely heard, the eighth (and final) season of Game Of Thrones premiered recently. In the months leading up to the first episode, social media (especially Twitter) has been awash with fans celebrating the show’s return after a two-year hiatus and spitting theories about who is going to end up sitting on that hideous throne made out of rusty swords.

Then there’s me, who can’t join in on any of these things because I bailed on the show after witnessing something utterly terrifying in the very first episode.

However, because this show has attained cult status and permeated pop culture in a rabid way (not unlike Star Wars or movies in the MCU), I’ve had no choice but to know certain things about the show. Things that have piqued my curiosity but not enough to actually watch it. And those things have left me with questions.

Questions like:

  1. Is Cersei an alcoholic?

Cersei is holding a wine glass in every single screenshot I’ve seen of her and I keep wondering why her loved ones haven’t yet staged an intervention to fight what is obviously a serious drinking problem.

2. How did y’all not figure out that Sean Bean’s character was going to die really early?

When I found out that Sean Bean’s character died in the first season and that people were bummed, I threw my head back and cackled. Because, how did no one see that coming? LMAO! Sean Bean dies in pretty much everything he’s in! It’s such common knowledge that even he has acknowledged it.

3. Who is this child prince (king?) and why were y’all so happy when he died?

I had used images of this guy as memes before I even knew he was a character from Game of Thrones. But I had no idea he was so despised until I came across a video where someone took out what must’ve been the dramatic soundtrack during his death scene and replaced it with a joyous banger. As hilarious as it was, he was just a child. What did he do to piss everyone off?

4. In terms of graphic nudity and gratuitous sex scenes, does this show live up to Spartacus: Blood and Straff Sand?

Just asking for a friend.

5. If Winter has been coming since the first season and it just got here last season, does that mean that all the events in the shows seven seasons have taken place in less than a year?

Because JESUS CHRIST! Does time even exist in this show’s universe??

6. What did Cersei do to deserve this?

Every time I announced my GOT virginity in the last few years (with reason), fans of the show around at the time would immediately break into a chant of “SHAME SHAME!!” I went a-googling to find out what this meant and was horrified to find this gif of Cersei walking naked through the town square while covered in poop(?).

On second thought, I don’t care what the character did. Lean Headey (who I’ve had a huge crush on since her topless scenes in 300) did not deserve to shoot a stressful scene like this.

7. Who is this guy and why does he look like the end result of if Darth Maul (from Star Wars) and Elsa (from Frozen) had a love child?

Y’all can see what I mean abi? It’s as if Elsa went to Tattooine to hoe with Darth Maul and then went to Westeros to abandon her baby. There’s a crossover opportunity here. HEAR ME DISNEY AND GEORGE R..R MARTIN!!!

8. Can I ship these two characters?

They look so cute together and are always giving each other “fuck me eyes.” Then again, given this show’s love of incest, they’re probably somehow related somehow and are already bumping genitals.

9. Do you people realize that the end of this show will satisfy NO ONE?


This show is going to end with George R.R Martin himself popping up in viewers’ homes and killing them. Critics will hail it as “groundbreaking” and he’ll get away with the murder of millions.


A fitting end to the trauma he’s put them through.

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