I’m Pretty Sure My Last Uber Driver Was A Ghost

February 25, 2019

 

Two weeks ago, I had a business meeting to attend. I decided to go straight from home to the venue because I figured there was no point going to the office first. And because I didn’t want to meet clients with the stench of Lagos transport clinging to me, I decided to take an Uber.

 

The app linked me to a driver named Moses who was, weirdly enough, only a minute away.

You see, I live in a place Uber drivers hate to go. It’s far away from everywhere, has bad roads, and they never get rides when leaving so it’s like wasting fuel for them. But I took it as good luck and hopped into the car the moment he arrived.

 

He seemed friendly. The wide ass smile he greeted me with let me know that I was in for a ride full of conversation. He asked how my night was, and I had half a mind to tell him, in graphic detail, about how relentless my sleep paralysis demon had become but being sarcastic to someone so nice would be a terrible thing to do.

 

He had just started the ride when he asked the first question.

 

“Were you born on this street?”

While wondering what the hell kind of conversation starter that was, I answered “no” and  explained that I moved there with my family in 1996. He got excited by my response and revealed that he used to live on my street and attended Gideon International Children’s school.

 

The most popular primary and secondary school in my area.

 

The same one I attended.

Excited, I was like, “No way! I graduated from primary school in 2002. When did you graduate?

 

With a smile, he answered, “Finished from secondary school in 1989.”

 

I looked at him.

 

This nigga didn’t look a day over 30.

And so began my slow mental descent into the abyss of conspiracy theories.

 

If he finished secondary school in 1989, he must’ve been 16, at least. It’s been 30 years since then. He should be pushing 50. What the hell is this? Is he messing with me? Should I ask for his skincare routine?

 

Because I’m me, it didn’t take long for my mind to make the leap.

 

“What if he’s a ghost? That’ll explain his never ageing thing. What if he lived and died on this street? What if he was murdered here and gave up his chance at a peaceful afterlife so he could haunt his murderers and their descendants? That explains why he just happened to be on my street. If so, why is he riding an Uber? Is this something he has to do? Has capitalism ravaged the afterlife too?”

I kept tapping my foot nervously, waiting for the journey to end. I checked the app to see how much time was left. 7 minutes. More questions raced through my mind.

 

“How can Uber be so careless as to let the living dead sign up to drive for them? Do they not carry out background checks? Such incompetence. If I make it to the end of this journey alive, I’m so taking this up with them on Twit–”

 

“We’re here.”

 

Relieved AF, I thanked him and proceeded to open the door when he locked it using the central lock. In that well air-conditioned car, I was like:

He turned to me and said, “I’m supposed to ask if you’re happy.”

 

At this point, I hoped he would just kill me and get it over with because the fear I’d felt the entire ride had left me exhausted.

 

“Yes, I am. That’s a very weird way to ask if I enjoyed my trip sha.”

 

“No, I meant are you happy with your life in general.”

 

My curiosity was piqued.

 

“Why would you ask me that?”

 

“That’s a thing I’m supposed to find out.”

 

“For who?”

 

“Someone I’m friends with who cares a lot about your happiness.”

 

The car suddenly got very cold. I glanced at the AC knob and it was off. I’d seen enough episodes of Supernatural to know what that meant. So right then I was like, “Listen, Moses, this entire ride has been on some Twilight Zone shit and frankly, I’m tired of being polite. Please, unlock this door before I start shouting ‘kidnapper.’”

 

He apologized and unlocked the door. As I got out and walked away, he yelled, “I’ll tell your father you said ‘hello.’”, and drove off.

 

My father has been dead for 7 months.

Click here to read other stories in the NIGERIAN HORROR STORY series.

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

December 3, 2020

Don’t let their cuteness deceive you; kids are crackheads. They’ll do the weirdest shit and then when you catch them, they’ll start acting like they’ve been framed. If you want to save yourself a lot of cleaning and embarrassment, keep these seven things away from your kids. 1. Powder Children see powder and immediately think […]

December 3, 2020

On Sunday, November 30th, 2020, many Nigerians woke up to the sad news that over 43 rice farmers in communities near Borno State, Nigeria, had been killed by Boko Haram insurgents. While the government has claimed that Boko Haram has been “technically defeated”, the group continues to carry out terrorist attacks, especially in the northeastern […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

January 2, 2020

Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry  Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

More from Nigerian Horror Story

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X