7 Extremely Practical Alternatives for When Twitter Dies

November 19, 2022

Now that Elon Musk has taken over Twitter and fired almost everyone (and their mums) who works there, people suspect the app itself will soon pack up and bounce. Just in case that happens, we’re proposing a few alternatives so we all can stay in touch. 

Town hall meetings 

Since sharing our thoughts is what Twitter is about, let’s do it the traditional way. Every local government should have regular town hall meetings. This way, if there’s a fight, it can come the fuck on in real time. None of that subbing rubbish. 

Witch coven 

Witches are way ahead of their time. If you and your followers all join the same witch coven, you could talk to each other telepathically and gain access to things like teleportation. Join a coven today! 

Dreams 

It’s 2022, and as such, the perfect time for interconnected dreaming. Someone would have to invent a way for us to move in and out of each other’s dreams. That way, we can have a version of Twitter that’ll  be unlocked once you dream.

LinkedIn

People have already started bringing foolish questions to LinkedIin, so let’s just go all in. 

Town crier 

If it worked for our ancestors, it sure as hell would work for us. Plus, young people can put “town crier” down as a career they’ll like to have. Whenever you want to “tweet”, you get a town crier to broadcast it for you for a small fee. 

Pigeon 

Twitter is a bird; pigeon is also a bird. Someone should start a service to provide every subscriber with their own pigeon. Whenever you want to broadcast your thoughts to your “followers”, you send your pigeon to their houses. Nobody would say they didn’t see it on their TL. 

Talk to your friends 

This is the last resort for if Twitter goes down. We’d actually have to keep quiet and only reveal our thoughts to people we trust and care about. This promotes shame, and honestly, after all we’ve seen on that app, we might need to bring a little shame back. 

RELATED: Interview With Twitter Bird: ”I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”

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