Babatunde Fashola, former governor of Lagos State, now Minister of Works, Housing and Power (we should have known this guy had some serious powers; how else could he be the head of not one, not two, but three crucial ministries?) yesterday miraculously discovered a camera at the scene of the Lekki massacre, conveniently perched by a tollbooth. We must really serve a living God in this country because how else did this camcorder survive the chaos of the massacre, the burning of the toll booth, protesters, soldiers, police, at least two rainfalls and a LAWMA cleanup while sitting casually on a ledge beside a tollbooth? Glory to God.
Nigeria is something of a circus. Every now and then, red-nosed clowns come out to tell us some inconceivable and incredible event has happened, usually when it relates to missing money. Since we’ve just discovered that we have our own super-sleuth (Sherlock Holmes and Batman are shaking right now), we humbly plead that he help us look into some of the ridiculous crimes that have been committed in Nigeria in the past.
1. Who killed Funmilayo Ransome Kuti?
Not a lot of people know this, but the Nigerian military, under General Olusegun Obasanjo, killed Nigeria’s foremost feminist, suffragist, campaigner and independence activist, Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti. (For some absurd reason, Nigerian history insists on remembering her only as Fela’s mother and the first woman to drive a car.) Anyway, in 1977, 1000 soldiers raided Fela’s Kalakuta Republic, trashed and burned the building and threw her from the first floor, after Fela released the legendary diss track Zombie. She died from her injuries. The military government constituted a shambolic panel of inquiry to find out who gave the order to the soldiers (sounds familiar?) The police panel opened their mouth to say that they found that an “unknown soldier” was responsible for the atrocities. We know it’s now a cold case but we hereby call on Inspector Babtunde Gadget Fashola to help us look into this case and get to the bottom of it.
2. The snake with an appetite for cash
In 2017, a clerk with the Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board opened her mouth to tell us that a snake crawled into the JAMB office and swallowed exactly N36 million. It is still unclear whether the snake washed this meal down with palm wine or just upped and left after the crime. We hope Detective Fashola of CSI Lagos can use his skills to get to the bottom of this.
3. The monkey that did Italian Job with N70 million
Not to interfere with Inspector Fashola’s investigation, but it seems the animals in Nigeria have a penchant for money. A Nigerian senator, Shehu Sanni, also opened his mouth to tell us that a monkey did Italian Job in a farmhouse and made off with N70 million, swinging away into the sunset with its loot.
4. Who killed Bola Ige?
About 19 years ago, former Nigerian minister of Justice Bola Ige was murdered in his Ibadan residence. Accusing fingers pointed at a number of persons, such as former Osun State governor Iyiola Omisore. At the end of the day, nobody was found responsible for the murder, despite the confessional statement of a key suspect. Perhaps our camera-finder can visit the scene and find some cameras in Bola Ige’s house.
5. Missing NNPC $16 billion
Very reminiscent of the missing $2.8 billion oil money under petroleum minister Muhammadu Buhari in 1977, the NNPC came to tell us in 2016 that they didin know where they kept $16 billion of our money. We hereby implore Constable Raji to help us find our money with his super detective skills.
6. Dasuki Gate
Remember how Dasuki disappeared $2 billion meant for fighting Boko Haram in 2015? Can Super Fash help us find out the people who were behind the fraud? Thanks in advance.
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