Imagine for a second that you’re a god


I get that this may be a difficult exercise but just try.


Imagine that you’re a god who presides over a universe you created. You’re up in your version of heaven chilling, being all powerful and stuff. You can telepathically hear the prayers of all your creations at the same time. All of a sudden, you hear two voices screaming your name at increasing volumes. You zoom in (?) on them with your super vision (?), thinking they must be in terrible danger.


But it turns out they’re just furiously bumping genitals.


So you ready a lightning bolt, aim, and…

Because it’s bad enough that they’re disobeying your no fornication rule, now they’re calling your attention to it?


This is a scenario I think about a lot whenever I accidentally click on one of those colourful buttons on illegal music websites, get magically transported to a porn site,  and end up watching a few videos…for the culture. With this in mind, I came up with a list of 15 other things you could scream mid-coitus instead of alerting the Lord to your fornication session.



1. “Ah!”

Think of it like this: each thrust sends a bolt of electricity through your body so you’re like “Ah!”

2. “Ye!”

Like the Burna Boy song. Nothing wrong with singing what has become our national anthem while getting your back blown out/blowing out back.

3. “Yep!”

Think of it like you’re expressing approval by telling your partner that they’re doing a good job, but with sounds.


“Yep! Yep!! Yep!!!…”

4. “Kai!”

As soon as you make it clear to your partner that this is you thoroughly enjoying the penising/being penised and not you signalling that you’re in pain, all will be well.

5. “Buhari died back in 2018 and is currently being played by a lookalike actor named Jubril!”

Don’t think too much about it.

6. “Oh Zeus!”

Given his history, he seems like the type of god that’ll be all about that voyeuristic life.

7. Wookie Sounds

Where my Star Wars fans at?!

8. “Hian!”

As soon as you make it clear to your partner that this is you thoroughly enjoying the penising/being penised and not you showing shock at the disappointing turn of events during sex, all will be fine.

9. “The wig budget for the Wedding Party movies must’ve been like 3k!”

Beverly Naya’s wig in the first movie is all the proof you need.

10. “Greaaaaaat!”

You get extra points if you say it exactly like the Frosties mascot, Tony the Tiger.

11. “Lagbaja isn’t a real person but a character that has been played by multiple people over the years!”

Convince me otherwise.

12. “P-Square has been recycling the same 4 songs for almost 20 years!”

Don’t @ me.

13. “Chai!”

When you Igbo side rears its head.

14. “Choi!”

When your Igbo side completely takes over.

15. “Diamond Ring needs to be remade with Liz Benson still playing the ghost because she’s a goddess!”

I have a crush on Liz Benson.


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