Hoe-Calculator; 10 Types of Sex That Don’t Affect Your “Body Count”

January 28, 2022

Before I start, let me put it out there that  I think the concept of body count is really flawed and occasionally used in the silliest ways. Why do we care about the number of people we’ve slept with? What does that metric achieve? 

With that being said, in this article, we’re going to teach you how to calculate your body count to yield the lowest possible figure. 

1. Sex without orgasms

If you had sex and didn’t cum; the sex didn’t happen. Your body count is still at the number it was before that sex happened. We need to find another name for that activity because sex that you didn’t orgasm, is that one even sex?

2. Sex with someone you aren’t in love with

To be very honest, sex with someone you aren’t in love with has no influence on your body count. You’re probably not thinking about them once the sex is over, so why bother adding them to your body count?  

3. Sex with someone you’re in love with

The right type of sex should be sex done with your lover, so why count it and make it seem like such a big deal? You don’t go around documenting all the good things your lover does for you. It’s expected and sex with them is kuku their civic responsibility. 

4. One night stands 

Re: point 2. Firstly, the sex happened in the dark and will be kept in the dark. Secondly, it happened only once with someone who doesn’t really matter to you. No one counts that kind of sex, abeg. 

5. Sex that happened multiple times with the same person

Very similar to sex that happens with someone you’re in love with. If you’re having sex with the same person multiple times, it means you and that person have become one and that’s like adding yourself to yourself. It doesn’t make any sense. 

6. Sex that happened in private

Anything that happened in private should be kept in private. Keep the thought of that count in a safe in the bank. Don’t add it to your current body count. 

7. Sex that happened in a public place

Both the sex and the body count have been carried away by the wind. Another good option is throwing the body count in the bin closest to you in case the wind didn’t carry it. 

8. Same-sex sex 

You guys already have the same gender, so why do you want to add their body to yours and now count it with yours? You sef think about it. It doesn’t make any sense.

9. Sex with the opposite sex

Both of you already have different bodies and it only makes sense that you both maintain your individuality. Resist the urge that’s going to make you want to add the count of the opposite’s sex to your body. 

10. Sex that happened in the shower

The sex has already been washed off your body with water and soap. Shower sex o, not bucket and bowl sex. Even though that one sef still follow small sha.

If you find yourself getting carried away from time to time, refer to this article to know what your body count is per time. 

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

February 11, 2020

Valentine’s day is coming. But rather than ask where your boy/girlfriend is or how lonely you’ll be, we’re going to remind you of simpler times. When Valentine’s day was less roses and chocolates and more another day in February or a casual slump in your monthly allowance. Here’s how Valentine’s day has transitioned for Nigerians […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

September 1, 2021

August is over, and here are some of our best quizzes from August. Enjoy: 1. QUIZ: Only Ajebutters Can Get 10/21 On This Quiz Some people like to form ajepako when they’re really ajebutter. Are you one of them? Let’s find out. 2. QUIZ: Sorry, If You’re Under 25 There’s No Way You Can Pass […]

More from Inside Life

May 20, 2022

Nobody will pass off a chance to win an all-expense-paid trip to KENYA with the winner of Nigerian Idol Season 7. So if you are still thinking, dreaming, waiting, or thinking you have enough time, then you are wasting time because this promo is ending on the 7th of June. Do we have your attention? Here’s […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X