I don’t drink beer, but I’m surrounded by people that do. And one thing I’ve noticed is that the beer you drink says a lot about the type of person you are. I’ve listed eight different beer brands Nigerians like to drink, and what they each say about their drinkers.
By the way, happy International Beer Day. Buy a big bottle of your favourite beer to celebrate today, and be sure it’s mortuary standard.
If you’re drinking Heineken, there’s a high chance you’re a tired Nigerian father. You’re all about comfort. After a whole day of grappling with children wahala, you just want to chill and drink your beer in peace without anybody disturbing you. You prefer to stay in your house and watch TV, instead of going out. Once in a while, you hang out with friends, and that’s your only outing for the month. You no dey do pass yourself.
You think you’re rich and cool, and all your money goes to enjoyment. Any small thing, you’re shouting, “If I broke na my business!” You love to turn up and people can never find you in your house. Sometimes, your friends worry about your liver and they also wonder if your energy comes from cocaine.
If you drink Trophy, you’re the firstborn of your family who’s always dealing with family responsibilities. Or you’re a 9–5er who’s always on the verge of quitting their job.
Some people argue that Guiness isn’t beer, but that’s their business. If you’re a Guiness fan, you have your fun moments but also tend to take certain things very seriously, like sports. You like to feel like you’re best in sports; you can’t play any, but you can talk ehn! Somebody can’t even have small football argument with you, because you’ll start getting angry. You don’t have patience and tend to lose your temper fast, you’re always changing it for people left and right.
Orijin isn’t a beer but if you say it outside, people will fight you. If you’re not an armed robber or agbero, you’re a babalawo. Period. You like trenches music; I’m sure your favourite artist is Bella Shmurda or Naira Marley. Your legwork dance is the type they do at Oshodi under bridge.
If you’re drinking Goldberg in 2022, you’re definitely a man in his 50s who cheats on his wife. Either that or you’re just someone going through a midlife crisis.
Hero (or Life)
If you drink Hero or Life beer, you’re most likely Igbo, and you enjoy listening to high-life music from Sony Bobo and Oriental Brothers. You like to go to the beer parlour to eat Nkwobi and relax. For you to drink either of these old beers means you don’t like change.
You’re playful and friendly: the type that walks into a building and is able to talk and blend in anywhere and with everyone. You’re that friend that people complain about for greeting too many people on the road. You also don’t like wahala; you prefer to stay away from anything that’ll cause a fight — the type to leave change with the bus conductor because he’s raising his voice.
You’re either 50+ or a 50+ person in the body of a young person. You spend your time thinking and talking about how life used to be better in the past, and how things aren’t the same no more. You don’t joke with your money and when it comes to hustling, you’re number one. They can call upon you to do any work, as long as money is involved.
There are some people that hate beers. Find out why in this article: Beer Deserves All the Hate It Gets. Here’s Why