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  • For millions across the world, the past few months have been like the script of a thriller movie. Life as we know it has changed in ways we could never have imagined. People, communities, organisations, and even economies across the world have been shaken to their core!

    But in the midst of all the uncertainty and gloom, there are individuals, groups, and small businesses among us rising and making a difference here in Nigeria. People who are being innovative, charitable, creative, and resourceful.

    And so, it’s exciting to hear that Union Bank has introduced the #UnionRiseChallenge to shine the spotlight on these people making an impact. If you have a story to tell, you should jump on it now:

    • Take a short video (no longer than 60 seconds) or post a picture with a detailed caption of your story Tell us how you have discovered new passions and impacted lives during this time.
    • Post it on your Facebook, Instagram or Twitter feed with #UnionRiseChallenge. Tag @unionbankng and your friends.

    Every week in June, Union Bank is selecting 10 of the most inspiring stories to share and reward. If your story is selected, you will receive N250,000 to support the work you are doing to RISE above the pandemic.

    The Union Rise Challenge is already going viral as entries are pouring in from all over Nigeria, and some of the stories we have seen so far have been truly inspirational! So far, 20 winning entries have been announced, and one of them was Bamigbose Adams, a recycler who has been producing hand washing units from recyclable materials as a way of fighting the spread of Covid-19. Another winning entry was from Precious Okoye, a
    community volunteer who organized orphanage outreaches in Kuje and Gwagwalada areas of Abuja. Kazahchat School, a low-cost school, also in Abuja, started a farm to boost their income during this period and help them pay their staff salaries. These are just a few of the amazing stories which have emerged in the Challenge.

    So, come on and send in your entry. Click here to find out more! You can also follow Union Bank on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

    The #UnionRiseChallenge is open to all Union Bank customers who have active accounts at the time of submitting their entries. Terms and conditions apply.

  • 1) First things first, take your husband from being the main character in your life to being a minor recurring character.

    Either that or you just get rid of him altogether. How you choose to do that is entirely up to you. *wink wink*

    2) Get a much younger lover.

    Very important.

    3) And fuck them up if they ever try to end things with you.

    How fucking dare they??

    4) No matter where you are or what you’re doing, be dressed in a ridiculously flashy Iro and Buba.

    That or a pant suit. Either one works.

    5) Serve ancient Chinese demon realness with your makeup.

    And slay everyone’s fucking existence at the same damn time.

    6) Even with the insane amount of money you have, buy and wear only the most fabulously insane wigs in existence.

    Only the cheapest, stiffest, driest wigs will do.

    7) Talk in the weirdest accent you can muster.

    https://twitter.com/yungnollywood/status/1272131832386129921?s=19

    Sound like your attempting numerous accents at the same time and failing terribly at all of them.

    8) Own a boutique full of sales girls who hate you.

    They will try to poison you and seduce your husband. Shine your eye.

    9) Have a group of other sugar mummies you hangout with.

    So you can keep each other updated on what’s new in the sugar mummy community.

    10) Lastly, have a sugar mummy who you really fucking hate and proceed to have sugar mummy battles with her whenever you cross paths.

    Good luck!

    Shoutout to @yungnollywood on Instagram for the pictures and videos.

    Recommended Reading: 13 Wigs From Old Nollywood That Are Just Fabulously Insane

  • 1) When they spot a cat.

    “It’s not my blood they’ll suck.”

    2) When a bird makes noise outside their window at night.

    “I heard owls only hoot when death is near.”

    3) Immediately after having a bad dream.

    “I HAVE to find out what this means.”

    4) When that creepy, old relative in the village starts asking too many questions.

    “She wants to steal my destiny. I just know it.”

    5) When they mistakenly walk into a random spider web.

    “I walked into a spider web and now I’m afraid I’ve been cursed with bad luck!”

    6) When they see someone they want to marry.

    “Pastor, please help me check if we’re spiritually compatible.”

    7) When they see someone in their dream they’ve always suspected hates them.

    “I FINALLY HAVE PROOF!”

    8) When they reach a new milestone (like buying a car).

    “Hello. I’d like to schedule a thanksgiving service, please.”

    9) When they were sick but finally get better.

    “Thank you so much for your prayers, pastor.”

    ‘Am I a joke to these people?!” – Hospital staff

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

  • Angel Gomes TB Joshua Angel Gomes TB Joshua

    If you haven’t heard, an old video has surfaced of Angel Gomes, an attacking midfielder for the football club, Manchester United, visiting TB Joshua at the Synagogue Church of all Nations in an attempt to heal his injuries.

    https://twitter.com/EtniesJags/status/1272643315129880576?s=20

    In the video, Angel talks about how his numerous injuries (hip, groin, and ankle) are putting a damper on his career, which is why he sought out Temitope Balogun Joshua to try his luck at instant healing.

    In a sane world, this wouldn’t be funny at all. Football fans everywhere would include him in their prayers and everyone else would send him love & light. But we don’t live in a sane world. Even worse, this happened in Nigeria. A nation full of people who have no chill whatsoever. Here some of the funniest reactions to the video.

    “Vicious dragging this way comes!” – Manhester United fans

    https://twitter.com/IamthePatoo/status/1272639492298543106?s=20

    “Am I a joke to you?!” – Satan

    “Are we a joke to you?!” – Manchester United’s medical staff

    Preaaaaaach, brother!

    “Seeing as we’re a joke to you.”

    https://twitter.com/BiyiThePlug/status/1272653619750408192?s=20

    “C’mon. don’t gimme that stuff!” – Angel to TB Joshua

    https://twitter.com/iamq_blaze/status/1272817480898170881?s=20

    “The God that did it for you will do it for me!” – Dembele to Angel, while booking his flight to Nigeria.

    You gotta stunt on these hoes with your new legs.

    “Just look at this one. Small thing now, he’ll embarrass us.”

    https://twitter.com/dotk32/status/1272641764046843917?s=21

    “May my helpers not find rest until they locate me!” – Angel, every night at 3 AM.

    Damn.

    https://twitter.com/SpiderManBisaka/status/1272642591788597251?s=20

    “FEEL THE POWER OF MY ANNOINTED LEGS!!!”

    https://twitter.com/Icy_Sign/status/1272642718188081152?s=20

    Wow. They didn’t need to drag his height into it.

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

  • 1) “Tell me about yourself.”

    You’ve spent your entire life learning about yourself and figuring out how you affect the world around you. You’re an intelligent being. That bitch. NO ONE can take that away from you. Then someone – most likely a potential romantic partner – asks you this question and your tower of knowledge comes crashing down around you like a Jenga tower being built by Michael J. Fox.

    2) “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

    You have a life trajectory mapped out, knowing exactly where you want to be at any point in the next 15 years. Then some asshole job interviewer asks you this question and the next thing you know, you’re spiralling because it has suddenly occurred to you that in the grand scheme of things, your plans mean nothing. The universe could decide to move mad (à la the year 2020) and make it so that the year you were supposed to become president becomes the year you (and what’s left of humanity) move underground and start eating rats because Elon Musk built an Artificial Intelligence as a way to help with the coronavirus pandemic but it decided that humans were the virus and proceeded to wipe us out instead.

    3) “What do you do for fun?”

    Fun? You know what fun is. You’ve even had it so you know what it feels like. Then why is it so hard for you to answer this question? Do you lie like 70% of the population and say you go clubbing to blow off steam? No. People who successfully lie about enjoying that activity give off a certain vibe. And you never would’ve been asked this question if you gave off that vibe. Do you say that you enjoy staying indoors on a Friday night with a good book and a cup of tea like the 40-year-old divorced protagonist of a mystery novel? What do you do??

    4) “What do you do to relax?”

    The truly terrible thing about this question is that it’s usually thrown at you when you complain about being stressed. You attempt to list out the things you do to relax and realize there are none. This causes you to panic because the last time you checked your blood pressure, the doctor told you to calm the hell down or risk dying of a stroke at 29.

    Now you’re freaking out.

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

  • Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

    Today’s book is titled, “Confessions Of A Former Church Of Satan Member.”

    Shocking Confession Of A Former Church Of Satan Member

    This guy.

    This book tells the story of a Ghanaian man named Kofi Steven. On the 24th of June 2012, Steven made a confession in which he claimed to have been a member of the church of Satan. He swore to have met Satan in person, sold his soul to him, and drank a baby’s blood to seal the deal.

    Seeing this synopsis got me excited because this is exactly the kind of nonsense I live for. Then the wave of excitement passed and I asked myself this question:

    Why exactly do I like garbage?

    Then I proceeded to read the book. The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.

    The book begins with Kofi talking about how he got entangled in the devil’s web. You see, in his final year at the University of Ghana, Kofi became broke as shit. After failing to get financial aid from his parents, he turned to a friend for help. Kofi was sure this friend would come through because he’d helped Kofi financially in the past. So imagine the disappointment Kofi felt when his friend said this:

    If Kofi had seen literally any Nollywood movie about a naïve, broke guy being groomed to join a cult, he would’ve known that at that moment, he was a naïve, broke guy being groomed to join a cult. But I guess he wasn’t a Nollywood fan because his friend initiated him into the church of Satan not long after.

    Like the protagonist in Living in Bondage: Breaking Free (the movie the above image is from), Kofi expressed no shock whatsoever when he found out his friend was in a cult. If he did, he didn’t include it in his confession.

    Kofi claims that even though he joined the church of Satan in Ghana, his proper initiation took place in the United States. He says that during a meeting with Satan (a meeting during which he drank baby blood), he asked for 3 things:

    • To be rich
    • To be famous
    • To live long.

    Then this happened:

    After this, his mother saw a vision and figured what he was up to. She confronted him by saying, “My son, please don’t join a cult,” but he replied with something along the lines of, “Fuck you, mother” and proceeded to go deeper into the cult life by somehow joining MORE cults.

    OCCULT LIFE FOREVER!

    But like every story involving a naïve, broke guy getting into a cult, tragedy struck!

    Damn.

    In this chapter, Kofi reveals that he sacrificed his penis (i.e. his ability to have kids) when he joined the cult. He also reveals that after breaking Satan’s rules by eating his mother’s pie (lol), he was given only 49 days to live.

    I was like:

    But, you know. Whatever.

    As further punishment for eating his mother’s pie (lmao), all his businesses began to crumble. His house burned down and he got arrested by the police on suspicion of drug trafficking. Simply put, his life became straight-up diarrhoea.

    Seems like there’s no dearth of humour in hell.

    Then this happened:

    But because he didn’t involve himself in the church’s activities and left before the service ended, the holy spirit returned to whoop his ass, instructing him to return to the church again. And he did, on the day this program was taking place:

    time to recover all

    After finding out the theme of the program (Time To Recover All), Kofi decided that this was his chance to recover his penis and all the other things Satan took from him.

    He pauses the story at this point to drop a warning:

    To throw shade:

    And to let us know that he’s been watching those New World Order conspiracy theory videos on YouTube:

    He also says this:

    Then the book ends.

    We’re never told if he did die after 49 days or if he ever got his penis back. The book just ends. Honestly, reading this left me as confused and upset as I was after watching the series finale of LOST.

    Flipping Tables / (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ | Know Your Meme

    Me, after reading this.