Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Breaking The Yoke And Curse Of Alcoholism In The Life Of Christian”.

The author starts with throwing the line, “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”, at the reader, which I imagine would be super depressing for a recovering alcoholic looking through this book for help. He also says that the real reason people with drinking problems struggle with it their whole lives is because of EVIL SPIRITS.

i DiD nOt SeE tHaT cOmInG!

According to the author, your consumption of alcohol (and that of your ancestors) prepares a studio apartment in your soul for the many demons on their way to set up camp.

Translation: Because alcohol problems are a result of evil spirits, attempting sobriety without a full-on deliverance session as elaborate as the Broadway production of Phantom Of The Opera will end with the person falling further down the demonic rabbit hole of alcoholism.

Um…chile…anyway, let’s move on to the next chapter.

“If you see any person or people smoking cigarettes or marijuana or hemp or cocaine, any kind of thing smokable — usually, it’s not their fault, it is the witches who are the cause of such evil works.“

That’s the line that starts this chapter.

So this is how the witches do their thing. If a person they want to destroy is too spiritually strong for them, they attack by tempting the person with drugs to smoke à la weed, crack, crystal meth etc. When the person gives in, the witches will literally stuff the prosperity of the individual’s life in the joints, leading to the destruction of the person’s life. Also, smoking leads to this:

I was going to give the author props for being right about smoking causing illnesses but he went on to say that all those illnesses (lung cancer, heart disease, etc) are caused by witches so I just kept quiet .

Ladies and gentlemen, the 4 spirits listed above, according to this book, are the evil spirits who check into the soul of any human who consumes alcohol. I would describe how they work but this is a thing y’all have to read for yourselves.

To ensure that a person stops hearing word, the author says that witches stuff a person’s ears with “thick cotton wool soaked in palm oil”. This is why he insists a deliverance session is needed to attain sobriety.

This is followed by a list of bible verses that are supposed to be reasons why people shouldn’t drink alcohol but I mentally checked out of the book because Jesus turned water into wine that one time at a wedding.

So…

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Build A Successful Marriage With The Power Of The Tongue.”

Let me just say now that the title of this book is wildly deceiving. I saw it and got excited because I thought it was about how the practices of cunnilingus and analingus are out here saving marriages. So imagine my disappointment when I opened it and found out it was written by a misogynistic man spouting marriage advice that puts the task of maintaining marriages on women.

That being said, it’s still garbage, and I like garbage. So I read it (super short book) and I decided to recap it because there are 2 stories in it you absolutely have to hear.

A husband and wife, who have always been #couplegoals, start having problems. Their church elders sit them down and ask why their union has gone bad like neglected egusi soup, and the husband promptly blames the wife. He says that when there’s any misunderstanding between them, his wife talks back to him, a thing he claims has caused him to lose interest in her.

The author takes a break to quote Proverbs 14: 1.

I know you can already tell how this story ends, but please indulge me.

The husband goes on to claim that his wife’s behaviour has led him down the rabbit holes of alcoholism and adultery, even going as far as having sex with random women in their bed WITH HIS WIFE LYING RIGHT THERE.

After the “investigation”, the elders decide that the wife’s inability to hold her tongue is the reason her husband has become an alcoholic philanderer. They tell her to shut the fuck up forever and in time, the man stops being a drunken harlot.

You know, that story was super one-sided. We literally never hear from the wife except when she’s asked to confirm that her husband has indeed been bumping genitals with different women in their house. If you think this story teaches a terrible lesson, keep reading.

A woman rushes into a reverend father’s office and complains that her husband beats her. The reverend father asks her to sit.

When she returns home later that day, her husband starts beating her again. She puts some of the water in her mouth and doesn’t spill or swallow until the beating is over. Over time, the beatings reduce (not stop) so she returns to the reverend father to thank him for the holy water. The reverend father laughs and asks her if she knows why her husband used to beat her so much.

Translation: If you want a successful marriage as a woman, shut the fuck up and never speak again.

After reading those last 2 paragraphs, I was like:

Like I said at the beginning, this book is super short. The kind of thing that people make and share in public. Can you imagine how many impressionable young girls who’ve gotten their hands on this garbage life manual??