Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping Reverend Chris Okotie’s video, “The COVID-19 Mystery”.

So Lady Rona has been touring the known world for a little over 6 months now. And since then, there have been many conspiracy theories, spouted by prominent Nigerians who, prior to this, we all thought would know better. So far, Pastor Chris Oyakhilome has been leading the charge, but Reverend Chris Okotie joined the “movement” a few days ago. And to be honest, it did not surprise me at all.

He’s totally the type of person who would buy into shit like this.

Like a YouTuber telling his version of events in a feud, the former singer, current Reverend, and hair gel enthusiast dropped a 1 hour and 20-minute long video online addressing the COVID-19 pandemic. A co-worker sent the video to me so I figured I’d watch and recap it SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

Let’s get into it.

The video begins with a 30-second long opening sequence. I’m confused by this because an opening sequence means a lot of planning went into the video’s production. But not enough to make the video not have the quality of a snuff film on NTA?

Rev Chris appears onscreen and introduces himself as the shepherd superintendent of his church. This (and the fact that he’s talking really slow) lets me know that we’re in for an insufferable display of vocabulary. What he says next, proves me right.

“What does it betoken? What is the spiritual purport? What does it prognosticate? What are the ramifications of the things we’ve had to deal with in terms of the isolation? Something I’d like to call selective anti-socialism.”

After promising to pass information in an easily understandable way but continuing to whack viewers over the head with a thesaurus, he says some stuff about God hiding messages in the bible using numerology. He also explains that contrary to what some people believe (i.e. other conspiracy theorists), everything happening in the world right now isn’t connected to the mark of the beast (666) but a precursor to that.

What follows this is an absolutely bonkers attempt to explain, using biblical events, why the number 10 is special.

According to Rev Chris, the phrase, “God commanded” appears in the creation process 10 times because God wanted to establish his supremacy over Earth in the presence of Satan. He says that the number of toes Adam was created with (10) signifies the authorisation God gave Adam as the god of the earth (a position that was soon taken over by Satan). He also said that that authority was the reason Jesus’ feet were nailed together by one nail (as opposed to his hands which were separated), while suspended in the air. Because Jesus couldn’t receive the sins of the world with his 10 toes touching the earth or the entire planet would explode.

One of us is overthinking this and I’m not sure it’s me.

If you’ve been wondering why 2020 has been a colossal shit show, Rev Chris claims it’s because this is the year Satan has chosen to throw hands with God, a fight that will prepare the earth for the coming of the antichrist.

For this fight to happen, Satan needed a human pawn to create a pandemic.

And that pawn is Bill Gates. Rev Chris says the reason Bill was chosen is that he has a “pattern” and then makes a super long reach by claiming that the things below mean anything:

For this to make any sense, remember these: 10 (bad number), 4 (number of creation), 8 (number of new beginnings).

Let me break down the board so it’s easier to read:

I looked at these things for so long, hoping that Josh2Funny would pop up and reveal that this video was just an elaborate skit. But alas, that didn’t happen.

Rev Chris claims that church gatherings being banned and people being asked to stay home – a thing that was done to reduce the spread of the disease – is important to Satan. The reason is that not going to church denies “him who he is as God” and forces us to stay in our homes (where Satan reigns supreme).

He also drags the conduction of religious activities online by saying that it’s impossible to worship God as a church without gathering physically.

“Because for you to be in church, you have to be ecclesia, which is translated from the Greek word, ec, which is out, and the word caleo, called out. You cannot gather unto God until you are called out. That’s why Israel was called out of the world. So, this thing, this phenomenon that we are talking about, the Internet and cyber churches, is totally unscriptural.“

But whatever I guess.

At this point, he pauses and says, “If you’re still here, say ‘Uh huh, uh huh’” so I’m like:

And he carried on.

He goes on a rant about how Satan, using Bill Gates, is attempting to feed everyone demon communion.

This communion will get everyone into a blood pact with him, a pact that will turn everyone into beings that require blood to live (i.e. VAMPIRES). This, according to him, is why there are so many movies about vampires. Because Hollywood is full of satanic prophets.

I shit you not.

Like turning everyone on the planet into members of the Cullen family isn’t enough, Rev Chris claims that the vaccine Bill Gates is working on will contain drugs that will open the doors in our souls that were shut by God after Adam ate the forbidden fruit. This is so we’ll be easy to control.

There’s also a bit where he says that the reason modern-day women are obsessed with surgically enhancing their asses is so, like Lot’s wife, they’ll keep looking back at things that don’t matter.

In the same breath, he says that these women shaking their asses (twerking) will help bring about the second coming of Sodom and Gomorrah, which is what the antichrist wants the earth to be before he arrives. He says some stuff that doesn’t really mean anything and the video ends.

Me after watching this:

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