‘Felt like Jay Z?‘ a hip-hop track, written and performed by BABS, is a work of poetry, art and fiction inspired by ‘Top Boy: summer house,’ a 2019 Netflix series. Produced, mixed and mastered by FemixBeats (@femixbeats) with high definition visuals by vizual finesse(@vizualfinesse) and cover art direction by Semilore Stef (@semilorestef).
Released and Published under his independently owned label Black circle Music; this beautiful work of poetry is set to a make a prolific mark in the world of Hip/Hop and Rap. Watch the music video and stream on all DSPs.
One reason advertisements exist is so brands can attempt to explain how their products are different from the same product made by other brands (because there’s almost always a difference). However, there are some products that are so similar, no matter who makes them, that you see being advertised that just you make you laugh.
Products like:
1) Water:
This one kills me because water brand ads go out of their way to be like, “We make fresh and clean water,” which is weird because which respectable brand is out here selling dirty water?
2) Razor Blades:
All blades are capable of shaving beards or cutting bitches. The brand doesn’t matter.
3) Sugar:
All white is the same. The brand isn’t going to make your akamu taste different.
I’m pretty sure that even the salt from Lot’s wife’s remains won’t make your food taste different.
5) Sardines:
Fish na fish.
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I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about how many Nollywood protagonists get away with doing stupid shit because they suddenly remember – at the movie’s climax – that God exists and rush to church for a hot deliverance session.
I’ve thought about this so much that I’ve decided to call out these fictional characters and drag them for filth because I hate nonsense behaviour.
1) Andy Okeke from ‘Living In Bondage‘.
Andy, right before he makes the decision to sacrifice his wife at the altar of satan for a shit load of money.
Andy “Motherfucking” Okeke (Kenneth Okonkwo) has a good life. He has a loving wife, Merit (Nnenna Nwabueze), who adores him and he has no problems with employment (he talks about getting and quitting 5 jobs when the movie starts). But Andy wants more. He wants endless supplies of wealth so he can rub shoulders with his friends. So he ends up using Merit for money ritual.
Pissed because she was his ride-or-die and still got sacrificed, Merit’s angry spirit begins haunting the shit out of Andy, La Llorona style. When it seems like Merit’s spirit is about to get the revenge she deserves, Andy is taken to a church. A half-assed deliverance session later, all his sins are forgiven, which I can only assume leaves Merit’s angry spirit even more pissed of because what the hell is she supposed to spend eternity doing now?? #JusticeForMerit
2) Dolly from ‘Missing Angel‘.
Dolly, straddling a dude who couldn’t possibly be (and act) less human.
I understand that constantly hustling and yielding nothing is super frustrating, but leave it to Dense Dolly (Stella Damasus) – the protagonist of 2004’s Missing Angel – to wish death upon herself if she hasn’t made it by her 25th birthday. Dolly’s life does turn around before her 25th birthday (she wins the lottery) but unfortunately for her, Satan took her up on her stupid vow and decided on a no take-back policy. He sends his angel of death (Desmond Elliot) to collect her soul, who shows up and slowly infiltrates her life for some reason.
However, Dolly meets the angel of death, likes what she sees, and then HAS SEX WITH HIM, despite him being absolutely terrible at pretending to be human. When she figures out who he is and why he’s there, she gathers her family and friends in a church to cast and bind. The only reason Dolly doesn’t get dragged to hell is that the angel, having caught feelings for her, decides to sacrifice himself in her place.
3) Chidifrom ‘Diamond Ring‘.
Piece of shit privileged asshole, Chidi, has everything. His father is loaded AF and is willing to give him anything he wants. Yet, this idiot still goes to university and joins a GRAVE-ROBBING CULT, causing the spirit of the woman whose crypt he pillaged, to curse him with a serious illness. To save his life, his family has to travel halfway across the world looking for the dead woman’s diamond ring he stole and sold. After that, she makes them retrieve her casket (that someone else stole) and gather her children who hate her (and each other) so she can talk to them one last time.
Fuck Chidi.
4) Nnamdi Okeke from ‘Living in Bondage: Breaking Free’.
Nnamdi Okeke (Jide Kene Achufusi) is dirt poor when Richard Williams (Ramsey Nouah) shows up out of nowhere and starts showering him with money and opportunities. In one scene that showcases their strong sugar daddy/sugar baby dynamic, Nnamdi says this naive shit:
And Richard ominously replies with this:
But Nnamdi has clearly never seen 1997’s ‘Devil’s Advocate’. Because he willingly joins a cult and is somehow shocked when he’s asked to sacrifice someone he loves, even though he witnessed a human sacrifice during his initiation. It just makes you wonder what he expected would happen after joining the discount Illuminati.
As a prize for getting to the end of this, here’s a version of the above scene edited to prove my point that Richard and Nnamdi’s interactions had sugar daddy/sugar baby energy:
I rest my case.
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1) When you’re on a bus and someone taps you to ask a question so you start screaming.
GET BEHIND ME SATAN! IT IS NOT ME YOU WILL JAZZ!!
2) When you’re travelling and the car breaks down but you believe they’ve taken you to a kidnapper’s den to be slaughtered.
SAVE ME, JESUS!
3) When you’re walking at night and you see a black cat so you freak out.
Bad luck is not my portion!
4) When you’re walking through Oshodi and someone randomly hits you so you check to see if your penis is still in place.
MY PENIS IS MINE AND MINE ALONE!!
5) When an old woman with arthritis begs you to help her cross the road but you start running because you’re sure your evil grandmother from the village has come to destroy your destiny.
I see through your disguise, granny!
6) When your suspicious-looking neighbour shakes your hand while greeting you so you immediately go home and soak that hand in anointing oil.
Oil of Christ, wash me clean!
So, you like being choked during sex. However, you haven’t been choked in a while because you’ve either been too afraid to ask (for fear of being judged) or no one has agreed to (out of fear of accidentally killing you). Well, you’re in luck. Here’s a list of 5 foods you can choke yourself with.
As long as you don’t eat them with a drink.
1) Fried Potatoes:
You don’t even have to make it yourself. Just mosey on down to your neighborhood akara woman and get as much as you need.
2) Fried Yam:
In case you’re not a fan of potatoes.
3) Raw Garri:
Just don’t end up dying like the Earth-branded cardinal in “Angels & Demons”.
4) Hobnobs:
Yes, McVitie’s Hobnobs. In fact, pretty much any brand of oatmeal cookies will work.
5) Agege Bread and Peanut Butter:
Combining peanut butter’s super thick texture with the rock-like nature of agege bread? A recipe for premium choking.
Nadia Buhari and Omotola Jalade Ekeinde play Beyonce and Rihanna respectively (I shit you not), pop superstar divas who hate each other’s guts. They also happen to have eyes for the same man, a music producer who goes by the name, Jay. If it feels like you’ve heard this story before, it’s because you have. This was the narrative of the alleged beef going on between the real Beyonce and Rihanna in the mid to late 2000s.
Watch this and be amused by all the cheap wigs, Jim Iyke’s Jay Z impression, and all the lip-synching that made the movie feel like a Beyonce and Rihanna greatest hits compilation. The best part comes at the end of part two when both characters are set to perform in a competition against each other but Beyonce passes out on stage because she overdosed on energy drinks.
Then they tell you to watch out for part 3 & 4.
2) Blackberry Babes:
A group of young women do everything possible to get their hands on the (then) latest Blackberry phones because their social statuses depend on it. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have expected much from these movies because they were made by the producers of Beyonce & Rihanna.
In one of the many sequels, there’s a scene where a girl uses juju to turn her sugar daddy into a Bold 5 and then runs off with it, leaving the super expensive SUV behind!
3) Stolen Bible:
Kate Henshaw plays Apollonia, a girl who steals a bible and gets cursed with the spirit of Kleptomania by the person she stole from. The movie is a string of hilarious hijinks caused by her inability to stop stealing. After her mother ships her off to a convent to get help, Apollonia gathers a few friends to join her in stealing money from a babalawo’s shrine. He curses them with elephantiasis and cancer. That’s when the movie gets super gross.
4) White Hunters:
Sadly, this movie isn’t about a group of women hunting white men for sport. It’s about a group of girls who have made it their life’s mission to shack up with rich white men so they never have to work another day in their lives. I remember it being marketed with the cringey tag line, “We have broken into Hollywood!” and watching the movie because of this, only to see Phillipino and Lebanese “actors” scattered in it. This movie is why I have trust issues today.
We like to look back fondly at popular Nigerian dances. But you wanna hear some truth? Even though those dances were fun (albeit stressful as shit), a lot of them made the people who did them look like Victorian-era children battling polio. Here are 6 of those dances:
1) Atlanta:
There are only 2 ways to describe this dance
Trying to claw your stomach open because you mistakenly swallowed a few of those flesh-eating insects from The Mummy (1999).
You’re writhing in pain because you got impregnated by one of the aliens from Alien so now the offspring is about to burst out of your torso.
2) Galala:
This dance requires the dancer to squeeze their face, half- squat like they’re about to take a shit in a filthy toilet, and then throw their legs all over the place. That’s too much of a workout for a “fun” dance.
3) Suo:
This dance required the dancer to squat and repeatedly pull the rope of an imaginary generator. This is why I strongly believe that this dance would fit in perfectly on the list of punishments in hell (if it’s not there already).
4) Shoki:
I mean, everything about this dance screamed nervous disorder.
5) Skelewu:
There is no way this dance was good for the spine.
6) Zanku:
This dance is what people imagine when they hear about Restless Leg Syndrome for the first time. The “gbese!” part of it is the worst because what if the leg you land on slips, leaving you to scatter on the floor like a crate of eggs?
