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  • 11 Quizzes That Know You Better Than You Know Yourself

    Take the quizzes.

  • Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

    Today, I’ll be recapping the conspiracy theory titled, “WITCHCRAFT, DARK MUSIC & THE IDOLATRY OF BEYONCÉ” by Delphine Okobah.

    Look at the queen serving Baphomet realness.

    So, Beyoncé’s highly anticipated visual album, Black Is King, is finally out. In it, she reimagines the story of The Lion King using music, dance, poetry, woven in beautiful African imagery and culture. This is exactly how I knew that as soon as the musical film was released, conspiracy theorists would be on it like white on rice.

    And I was right.

    Not long after I tweeted that, someone sent me a post on Instagram containing an insane conspiracy theory about Beyoncé made by a woman named Delphine Okobah. The Delphinator’s (that’s what she calls herself) bio says that her account is dedicated to “amplifying stories that save.” After reading all TEN SLIDES, I figured this was something y’all needed to see.

    The idea of someone sitting down to design this cover using the silhouette of the stereotypical depiction of a witch cracks me up so bad. All I can imagine when I look at this is Beyoncé flying her broomstick to the set of Black Is King every day in a cloak, mini-dress, 3-inch heels, and the sorting hat from Harry Potter on her head.

    Sounding like the opening narration of a dystopian movie, Delphine starts with the claim that there has been an increase in demon activity recently. According to her, the line between both realms have been blurred (I think Robin Thicke predicted this) and everyone’s going to have to pick a side because a war is coming and “casual Christians will become casualties.” That last line made my mind go:

    When are we getting the rap album, Delphine??!

    She says that witchcraft is becoming more mainstream, citing the witches who came out in support of the Black Lives Matter movement and the Nigerian women who sell/use the popular love charm, Kayan Mata, as proof. There’s also something about the gentrification of witchcraft.

    She finally gets to the matter of interest by calling Beyoncé the queen of witchcraft in music. She claims that Beyoncé has been trying to let people know – using her music – that she’s about that witch life but people have refused to hear word. Delphine presents the poem, Denial, from Beyoncé’s 2016 album, Lemonade, as an example.

    “How does one levitate downwards?” – Delphine

    “She did all that to meet Satan!” – Delphine

    “She thinks the bible and everything it stands for is trash!” – Delphine

    She brings up lyrics from Beyoncé’s 2020 single, Black Parade, as another example.

    “This aunty is telling you people where she gets her powers from but a lot of you are just excited that she’s making references to Africa!” – Delphine

    “THIS IS A COMMON WITCHCRAFT RITUAL USED TO PROGRAM INTENTIONS INTO GEMSTONES!!! “ – Delphine

    She alleges that the reason the Beyhive stans her so hard is because she has used juju on them. She also says that Beyoncé has been guest-starring in her dreams for the past 2 years.

    RECOMMENDED: How BBNaija Is Preparing Nigerians For The Coming Of The Antichrist

    There’s this:

    I’d never heard of this so I went a-googling and it turns out that it’s true!

    I’m a Beyist now.

    Delphine claims that Black Is King has been released with a dark potent spell that will put a heavy veil on the hearts of young people everywhere. Why? Because contrary to popular belief, Beyoncé does not have our best interests at heart. She says that the supposed aim of the visual album – to celebrate black ancestry and African tradition using a modern twist and universal language – is a fucking lie because:

    “With music generally, protect your entry gates (ears) and guard your heart!” – Delphine

    Delphine’s final message is this:

    “Stop worshipping stars (celebrities) and worship the STAR (Jesus) who birthed the other stars!” – Delphine

    This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is 4a0x8e.jpg

    Till next week, y’all.

    RECOMMENDED: How BBNaija Is Preparing Nigerians For The Coming Of The Antichrist

  • 1) Shaki:

    Because while you want to look at the tasty piece of intestine you’re eating, it’s most likely covered in a peppery soup or stew that will blind the shit out of you if the shaki bounces back.

    2) Ponmo:

    Ponmo exists in 2 states:

    • Soft as a cloud
    • Hard as the soles of the feet of a person who attends Celestial Church of Light

    Not knowing which you’re going to get at any given time is what makes it equal parts frustrating and exciting.

    3) Fufu:

    There are few things more exciting than eating a mountain of fufu at lunch on a weekday at work and then waiting to see if it’ll knock you out or not.

    4) Watermelon:

    Are you going to successfully finish eating this fruit that is 92% water or will you choke on the seeds and die? Grab a slice and find out.

    5) Biscuit Bone:

    Before you bite down on that piece of meat, ask yourself: Is this really biscuit bone or did the butcher with the gold tooth sell you a regular bone and lie about it? Are you about to chomp down and wreck all your teeth?

    6) Avocado:

    I have a theory that the freshness of an avocado is in a constant state of flux (between “hella fresh” and “3 day old corpse”) until it’s opened. The thrill comes from not knowing which state you’re gonna find it in.

    7) Agbalumo:

    Do you know how horrifying it is to be halfway done eating an agbalumo only to find a maggot in it? I’ll leave y’all with the thought of what that implies.

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  • 1) Take a picture with a giant building in the background.

    It doesn’t even have to the Burj Khalifa. It just has to be a ridiculously tall build. Dubai is practically littered with them.

    2) Or with the dancing fountains in the background.

    Then they make the picture super cringeworthy by raising their hands to pretend they’re controlling the water.

    3) Taking a picture in a Thobe and that common red/white scarf.

    And then upload it to the Instagram with the caption, “We getting Arab money.”

    4) Ride around the desert on a quad bike.

    Let sand enter their eye small.

    5) Take a picture while uncomfortably straddling a camel.

    Trying to serve Rick O’ Connell realness while praying to God the camel doesn’t throw them off and kick their head.

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

  • We’ve proven time and time again that old Nollywood had a certain je ne sais quoi that was wild, unhinged, and, most importantly, unintentionally hilarious. It came across in everything about the movies from that era: the acting, the wardrobe, the stories, the soundtracks, etc. And you know the sad part? All those things were products of their time, which means that they can never be properly recreated.

    However, thanks to the good folks at @yung.nolly and @nolly.babes – who are doing the Lord’s work by using social media to immortalize old Nollywood – I picked 5 clips that perfectly convey the raw madness old Nollywood was full of.

    1) Sandra’s Monologue:

    This clip showed me how passionate Sandra Achums was as an actress. That being said, there’s something way off and thigh-slappingly hilarious about the way she delivers her lines in this scene. That, along with the insane early 2000s fashion and the fact that no actual human talks like this (weapon of love? honey pot??) perfectly encapsulate the pure chaotic energy of old Nollywood.

    2) Keep being the bad gyal you are:

    In 2003’s Blood Sisters, Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde and Genevieve Nnaji play sisters, Gloria and Esther respectively. At some point in the movie, Esther is jealous of Gloria’s romantic relationship so when Gloria’s boyfriend comes around when Gloria isn’t home, Esther feeds him lies of Gloria secretly being the Whore of Babylon incarnate. This leads to Gloria’s boyfriend leaving the most unintentionally hilarious breakup letter (and voice-over) in the history of film, which he ends with the now-iconic line “Bye…and keep being the bad gyal you are.”

    3) Rita Dominic’s inner agbero:

    I don’t know where this is from but I LOVE the energy. Rita Dominic (looking deranged) walks up to a guy who’s seated on a couch, reading a newspaper and smashes a beer bottle on his head. The rush of it all makes me giddy but in a good way. The 3-second long clip has become the go-to meme for when someone wants to “scatter the place.”

    4) This scene from Stolen Bible:

    Everything about 2004’s Stolen Bible was a fucking riot. The entire movie is a string of hilarious hijinks, but this scene takes the loony cake. Apollo (the main character, who suffers from a case of spiritually-induced kleptomania) is praying in front of a statue of Jesus when it – because of the magnitude of her sins – comes to life, expresses shock, and chases her away. It’s later revealed to be a dream sequence but the sheer lunacy of it makes it the high point of the movie.

    5) This Accident Scene:

    The clip is amazing because the series of events in it get wilder with each passing second so that your jaw is on the ground by the time it ends. The editing alone is enough to make you dizzy. Tack on the practical effects and the victim’s performance, and you have a batshit trifecta.

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  • Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

    Today’s book is titled, “The Different Ways People Get Into Evil Blood Covenants”

    This picture looks like the poster of a cheap horror movie you just know will spawn 11 sequels.

    The book starts with the author explaining what covenants are and how Satan has tricked countless people into (consciously or unconsciously) entering evil covenants with him so he can steal their souls.

    These 2 paragraphs literally could’ve been 2 lines. But whatever I guess.

    He says that there 5 things needed to make an evil covenant:

    • People
    • Words
    • Reason
    • Place
    • Blessing (for keeping the covenant) and Punishment (for breaking it)

    The rest of the book is the author listing and explaining the different ways people get into evil covenants with the devil. This is my favourite part of the whole thing. Why?

    1) Sex Outside Marriage: He used this point to shade the hell of fornicators. He says that bumping genitals with everyone you come across –like you’re gunning for the Whore of Babylon’s spot – puts you at risk of having things transferred to you. E.g. body fluids, diseases, and DEMONS.

    This is the way he explains it:

    Like I once pointed out in an old article, this is an insane example because if If I come across a person harbouring 100 demons in their body, I’ll be able to tell. Because I’ve seen every season of Supernatural.

    I took that last sentence to mean that if you eschewed having sex for the first time in a fancy hotel room with scented candles and mood lighting so you could lose your virginity in the cramped backseat of a Kia to a stranger you met 30 mins prior on a dating app, then you’re going to hell.

    2) Pictures: Here’s the author’s super specific example:

    I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. Maybe the author was promised marriage and then jilted? That’s a story for another day.

    This reminds me of a tweet that pointed out how less willing people would be to post pictures of themselves online if they could see how many random people save those pictures to use for whatever. I thought the worst that could happen was someone sticking my picture to the face of a sex doll and pretending it’s me. This book has let me know that things could be much worse.

    3) Blood: This one was a lot:

    Who are the people doing this? Isn’t this a red flag? If you get romantically involved with a person who insists on you two mixing and drinking each other’s blood like you’re in The Vampire Diaries universe, won’t you run?

    Then I remembered that there are people who derive pleasure from having hot candle wax poured on their naughty parts, and I moved on.

    4) Counterfeit Religion:

    Is it just me or did that feel like a subtle jab at Catholicism? Whoever this author is must have gone to the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ School Of Throwing Thinly-Veiled Shade At Other Churches.

    5) Occultic Covenants:

    If only Nnamdi Okeke (Living in Bondage: Breaking Free) had known this.

    6) Food & Drinks:

    Btw, it’s your fault if this happens to your kid(s). The agents of darkness caught you slipping and took advantage. You should have had your kid(s) watch the Nigerian horror classic, After School Hours, as soon as they could talk.

    7) Demonic Fashion:

    Click here to read a detailed breakdown of demonic fashion. Thank me later.

    Here’s how to find out!

    Giving birth?? Chile…

    Then the book ends with the usual “give your life to Christ and join a good church.”

    Till next week, you guys. ✌️