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  • Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

    Today’s book is titled, “HOW TO IDENTIFY FAKE CHURCHES”

    The book starts with the author telling the reader to be cautious and spiritually sensitive in whatever church they’re in now because the evil ones constantly train and deploy pastors to different churches meant to intentionally lead people astray. He also says that ignorance is no excuse before God so, in the event that you are led astray by one of these decoy pastors, you’re going to hell.

    When I got to this part, I was like:

    Because it sounded like the author was about spill tea and throw shade of biblical proportions. I pursed my lips, crossed my legs, and prepared myself for the chaos I believed was coming.

    • It Doesn’t Matter International Church
    • Come As You Are International Ministries.
    • We Are No Longer Under The Law Christian Church.
    • Judge Not Mission Church.
    • Dress As You Like International Gospel Mission.
    • Ones Saves Is Forever Saved Mission.
    • Merciful God Don’t Sent Anyone To Hell International Ministries.
    • God Only Looks At The Heart Chapel.
    • Liquid Fire And Miracle Center Ministries.
    • Prosperity Without Effort Gospel Mission.

    This list left me like:

    This author thinks he has jokes, huh?

    He follows up the list up with this:

    It means your church is officially being led by a demon-trained pastor and you need to do something about it or kiss your chance at heaven goodbye. The book doesn’t say what exactly you’re supposed to do but I assume it’ll involve a pentagram, a ring of salt, and a DVD of the first season of “Supernatural”.

    The author further explains how these decoy pastors function:

    The author ends the book with 12 things to watch out for when identifying fake churches:

    Even those ones that have pictures of cute animals with bible verses that have nothing to do with the picture itself.

    If your church has ever thrown a thanksgiving or bazar party, you’re screwed.

    So only Mountain of Fire and Deeper Life members are safe? Damn. Also, if you’re wondering why they this author thinks makeup and weaves are from hell, read this:

    RECOMMENDED: The Spiritual Origin Of (And Covenant Behind) Wigs & Weaves

    Why would an evil pastor have such a room on the church premises? Why not just have it someplace where prying eyes will never see it?

    There is NO WAY this particular “clue” isn’t steeped in misogyny. No fucking way.

    Enough said about this.

    Same thing as the previous point.

    This is clearly shade thrown at Catholicism.

    Well, any fan of Mount Zion movies already knows this.

    They’ve made this point twice already.

    Wow. So pastors can’t even like bling?

    I knew it!

  • Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

    Today, I’ll be recapping the conspiracy theory video made Joseph Okechukwu titled, “BB NAIJA: UNVEILING THE BEAST”.

    Insane conspiracy theory aside, this is a cool ass image.

    ABOUT THE MAKER

    This guy.

    Joseph Okechukwu describes himself as an actor who has starred in over 150 Nollywood movies. However, when you google him, the first set of things that come up are videos from his YouTube channel where he posts videos of himself spewing conspiracy theories left and right. That should tell you something. Anyway, let’s jump in.

    Joseph starts the video shitting on Nigerian Christians for not speaking up about the evil of BBNaija and even paying to have it “beamed into their homes”. Just like Reverend Chris Okotie, he says that the real reason churches were forced to close and BBNaija was allowed to go on is because the Nigerian government is part of a Satanic agenda to control the minds of everyone on earth so we can serve the antichrist, ancient city style.

    He shows clips from BBNaija’s current season and asks why the housemates aren’t wearing masks or social distancing like the rest of us have been instructed to.

    Also, isn’t the BBNaija house the perfect example of isolating? A group of people in a house who never go out?

    He refers to the eye in the BBNaija logo as the Eye of Lucifer/Horus and puts up an image of the current logo alongside last year’s version to make an insane point.

    The addition of a camera lens in the center of the eye.

    According to him, the camera lens was added in 2020 – the year COVID-19 hit – to let people know that the antichrist is about to make his debut and will be a being controlled by Artificial Intelligence.

    He insists that this is why the BBNaija was created; to get everyone used to being monitored all the time, just like the totalitarian society described in the dystopian novel, 1984.

    He claims that the addition of the camera lens to the BBNaija logo is proof that the antichrist is going to monitor and control everyone using our devices (phones, laptops, etc). He says that the vaccine being developed to fight COVID-19 is going to alter the DNA of anyone who takes it, leaving them with an embedded microchip (i.e. mark of the beast), which will be used by the BEAST COMPUTER to control them.

    Look at this:

    There’s a joke to be made about a guy who’s worried about being monitored but casually lounging in front of devices he could easily be monitored with. There’s a joke to be made about that but I’m not going to make it.

    Do you have children who are stubborn as shit and just will not behave no matter what you do to discipline them? Joseph says it’s your fucking fault. According to him, your children watched BBNaija (after YOU paid to have it shown in your homes) and now it has turned them into delinquents bound to spend the majority of their lives in prison. He proceeds to shade the hell out of modern-day pastors for campaigning for tithes instead of joining forces to get BBNaija cancelled.

    He ends the video by yelling at everyone to stop watching BBNaija because it indirectly funds the evil plans of the beings in the BEAST KINGDOM and pollutes the spiritual atmosphere wherever its shown.

    The End.

    Me, the entire time I was watching this video:

  • Nigerians are currently having a field day on Twitter after finding out about Cameroon’s version of Big Brother named ‘Biggy237’. Pictures of the discount reality show hit social media and Nigerians have been going off.

    Peep some of the funniest tweets:

    https://twitter.com/itzyoungabi/status/1291147709446082561?s=20

    Girl I –

    Isolation center pro!

    Hay God!

    Not banking hall counter!

    For God’s sake!

    Wow. Why bring Ghana into this??

    https://twitter.com/Updateboyx/status/1291274404962488320?s=20

    CRYING!

    https://twitter.com/Mayolamoomy/status/1291059856041037827?s=20

    This is a valid question. Also, why are the beds so close together??

    God

    https://twitter.com/__Omoissy/status/1291141594842910721?s=20

    I heard their version of Biggie will appear and physically fight you.

    https://twitter.com/__Omoissy/status/1291134944920719360?s=20

    This guy is on a roll.

    This is also doubles as a self-own because Nigeria is notorious for shitty electricity but lmaooo!

    All hands on deck.

    That’s it. We’re done!

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  • With the rise of easy internet access and internet-enabled phones in the late 2000s/early 2010s came everyone’s obsession with personalizing their phones with downloadable wallpapers, ringtones, themes, etc from websites that were, in hindsight, sketchy as AF.

    These are 5 of those websites below:

    1) Waptrick

    This was the most popular at the time. It had low-quality songs, pixelated-as-hell wallpapers, stretched-out themes, unrecognizable monophonic ringtones of popular songs, and PDF ebooks that I believe were created to destroy people’s eyesight.

    2) Wapkid

    I initially thought this was a kid-friendly version of Waptrick but I was wrong. They were pretty much the exact same website with different names. I guess you can’t fault someone for stealing your idea in the world of illegal downloads.

    3) Toxic Wap

    Let me just say now that this website lived up to its name. You would visit it to download whatever and immediately get attacked with graphic porn GIFS. Navigating this website with people being able to see your screen of your device was truly an extreme sport.

    4) Zedge

    This was the first of these websites I found that had high-quality stuff. Their wallpapers and themes were on point and I stanned them until I moved on from Java phones.

    5) iM1

    I saw this cover art so much that I thought iM1 was a big company who paid Ashanti and Cassie for. Turns out they were just beemp3 with a slicker-looking logo, and they got shut for copyright violations.

    RECOMMENDED: How To Make Your Own Nigerian Illegal Music Website

  • 1) A female lead character:

    She’s a pretty, brunette-haired woman who’s either fierce, strong, and independent or a naïve damsel in distress. There is no in-between. If she’s strong and independent, chances are she’s an orphan whose family died in some tragic accident before the show. If she’s naïve, her parents are alive but poor as shit.

    2) A male lead character:

    He’s billed as a lead but he’s really just there to be the love interest of the real lead, the woman. He’s good looking and has abs that you can use to grate okra. He’s either a poor and lowly farmhand or a super obnoxious trust fund baby boy who’s just self-aware enough to want to change after the female lead insults him for being a discount Tony Stark.

    3) An ageing patriarch who will soon die of an undisclosed illness (portrayed as a super-wheezing cough) and leave his wealth behind for his family members.

    You would think that someone like this would be smart enough to leave a will behind, and you’d be right. But his will be so fucking vague that it’ll throw his family into disarray as they (occasionally physically) fight each other for his property.

    4) A Hacienda (Usually a coffee field):

    This is just one of the many properties up for grabs after the ageing patriarch dies but for reasons never revealed, everyone will want it. So most of the show’s scenes will take place there.

    5) The show’s main villain:

    It’s always the much younger second wife of the ageing patriarch who may or may not have sped up his death by lacing his food with tiny amounts of anti-freeze not enough to show up in scans so his organs slowly shut down. She’ll spend most of the show plotting against the male and female leads. Her rain of terror will end when she’s blown to bits by a bomb she meant to set under the female lead’s pillow but mistakenly detonated. Either that or she’ll get thrown off a rooftop by the male lead while the rest of the cast cheers.

    6) An incredibly stunning, mildly-evil sibling of either the male or female leads.

    They are mildly-evil because they only exist to shake up the show’s storyline when the main villain is in-between evil schemes. And they’re always super attractive so your mind can trick you into accepting them when they eventually have a change of heart two episodes before the series finale.

    7) A shit ton of tragedy:

    Have the female lead character have her baby stolen immediately after giving birth and then have her have a mental breakdown which will lead to her losing her memory. Have the male lead be arrested and spend 15 years in jail for a crime he didn’t commit. When the ageing patriarch is being buried, have the show’s villain blow up the church.

    The key is to have fun with it.

  • 1) First things first, make it clear that your cream is a lightening/brightening cream.

    Because if you’re not leveraging colorism, what are you doing?

    2) Promise people that the cream will “bring out their true skin colour”.

    Whatever the hell that means.

    3) On the label, put a picture of a light-skinned black woman that’s somehow in full-makeup even though she just came out of the shower.

    If you’re buying one of the creams I’m describing, you’re not concerned with reality anyway.

    4) Or you could just go the lazy route and slap a random white woman on the label.

    Is…that Blake Lively??

    There’s a lot to unpack in the fact that a “lightening/whitening” cream is being marketed towards black women using white models but that’s another story for another day.

    5) Say that it contains carrots.

    Because carrots are good for the skin or whatever.

    6) Also say that it contains goat milk.

    Doesn’t even have to be true.

    7) As the cherry on top of the incredibly colourist sundae, add the word “white” to the name of the cream.

    This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is how-to-mix-cream-4.jpg

    Name that shit like your target audience is the KKK and you’re all good to go.

  • To all the serious TV watchers in the house. The ones who understand and have fully immersed themselves in the magic of transmitted moving images.

    This one is for you.

    1) Not being able to settle on what channel to watch because there are so many options.

    This one is worse if you’re one of those people who can’t eat without watching something. So your food will be getting cold while you’re trying to make up your mind.

    2) Waiting till when they start showing commercials to do anything else so you don’t miss any part of what you’re watching.

    Remember the panic you feel when you’re not done and the show starts?

    3) Canceling plans because your favourite show or movie is on.

    Totally understandable.

    4) Constantly being up to date with the schedule for all TV stations and planning your day around it.

    I can’t miss the best stuff.

    5) This is how you sit comfortably in traffic because you own an Explora set to record your favourite shows or a livestream app like DStv NOW so you can watch it on the go.

    I’ve got this.

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    Don’t dull!

  • So I have an idea for a new version of hell.

    In this version, people don’t know they’re dead and are in everyday scenarios they experienced while they were alive. The only difference is that they’re now stuck in a loop of very uncomfortable situations and the frustration drives them insane.

    Uncomfortable situations like:

    1) Being stuck in traffic while you have to take a hot, watery shit.

    Traffic of biblical proportions.

    2) Trying to fall asleep because you’re exhausted but not being able to because every part of your bed is wet with sweat.

    Silent night. Never-ending night.

    3) Having an itch in your throat all the time.

    And no amount of throat scratching will help.

    4) Trying to sleep but not being able to because both sides of the pillow are hot and uncomfortable.

    5) Constantly trying to charge your almost dead phone because you’re expecting an important phone call but all you have is a charger with a faulty, shaky cable.

    Then you have to deal with the sound of the phone connecting and disconnecting every few seconds.

    6) Lining up for what seems like forever at an ATM only for it to get to your turn and you discover that the money has finished.

    Then you begin the process at another ATM.

    7) Picking beans for all eternity.

    A bottomless sack of beans.

    8) Deciding to cook beans (because it’s the only thing available) but it literally takes forever to cook.

    And you have to stand there and watch the pot boil while you starve.

    9) Having to listen to music with a pair of earphones that has only one shaky ear working.

    10) Purging and having to wipe your ass with strong toilet paper.

    THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

  • 1) Snakes:

    Snakes are creepy, dangerous, and disgusting. I don’t know how they have sex and the fact that I’m not completely sure how they give birth makes me uncomfortable. Also, after what one of their kind did to Adam and Eve, they should’ve been cancelled. I don’t care if it was Lucifer in disguise.

    2) Geckoes:

    The unexpected reason the Geico Gecko was born | CBC Radio

    These things are a sin against nature. I have a theory that the reason they are somehow transparent is because they exist between the land of the living and the dead. Also, they have this nonsense habit of crawling into houses and staring at people from the ceiling. What is up with that?

    3) Mosquitoes:

    Small exposed body of water and these idiots will show up to lay eggs, make noise in your ear, and suck your blood. Rubbish.

    RECOMMENDED: 7 Animals That Have Suffered In The Hands Of Superstitious Nigerians

    4) Cats:

    They’re too mysterious. They look like they know the secrets of the universe but are choosing not to share. Then there’s the fact that they treat humans like slaves. Almost like they think we’re still in ancient Egypt.

    5) Spiders:

    All they do is leave webs all of over the place, and crawl into your mouth when you’re asleep.

    6) Rats:

    Because what purpose do they serve? All they do is eat important documents, shit everywhere, and spread Lassa fever.

    Also, I don’t care if these animals do serve a purpose in the ecosystem. I’m throwing hands with Noah whenever I meet him.

    RECOMMENDED: How To Deal Properly Deal With A Rat Infestation