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Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Devil’s Top Secret Weapons Against Christians”
The author starts by shaming Christians everywhere who think the devil is foolish. His point is, a being able to convince a large number of angels to join him in a quest to overthrow God is clearly super smart. He says the devil is recruiting people to fill the underworld because it’s the only way he knows to piss God off. Why doesn’t he just challenge God to a supernatural wrestling match and throw hands? This is why:
I love how specific that last line is.
According to the author, every end-time Christian has to be constantly spiritually and physically equipped with the full armour of God. Peep the full armour below.
I want to cop the Sandals of Readiness because they are fire!
Anyway, we finally get to the point of the book (glorified pamphlet, really) – the list of the devil’s top 3 weapons against Christians – and I have to say that nothing could’ve prepared me for the first thing on the list. Somehow, it felt like a personal attack. Seeing as the author’s name wasn’t in the book, I wanted to tackle the book to the floor and punch it till it stopped moving. But I didn’t, because books can’t feel pain. Do I have anger issues? Maybe. I won’t go to anger management classes though. Because I’m proud. Why am I typing all this? I’m gonna take it out before I hit publish.
Yes, the first thing on the list is food, accompanied by the following picture:
Just fucking @ me next time.
The author claims that many Christians find it difficult to pray after eating insane amounts of…you know what? I want you guys to read this in the author’s own words.
I just…why…what??
He follows this by saying that its impossible to overcome trials and temptations without sacrificing food and sleep.
Ok.
He spends this entire point shitting on people who’ve never read the whole bible because they find it boring but would rather read a magazine full of “love stories”. I wonder if he was referring to Hints & Hearts. This is accompanied by this stock photo:
Do they have to finish it in a year?
Yep. Turns out that all those tweets and memes were eerily prescient and enjoyment is, in fact, going to kill you.
There’s shade hidden somewhere in this mess of a paragraph and we’ll get to that soon. But how do you judge people for missing mid-week church activities because they have to be at work? If they get fired, will you pay their bills?
SHADE!
Shaming people for giving to the needy? Girl, I…
The book ends with this:
Might as well just move into the church, I guess.
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Mint Digital Bank, a subsidiary of Finex Microfinance Bank has announced that it is set to offer unparalleled value to Nigerians by providing innovative solutions to businesses and individuals who require digital financial services.
This development could not be coming at a better time as businesses and individuals around the country and the world fight to return to normalcy amid the COVID-19 pandemic, with many organizations struggling to provide super-personalized digital experiences for clients and employees.
Mint Digital Bank has developed an efficient digital banking application that aims to reduce risk, improve efficiency and serve customers better. The leading digital bank in Nigeria will offer value that has never been seen before in the Nigerian financial technology sector, such as:
- Banking that puts customers in control: The digital platform promises no hidden charges, giving customers the power to decide exactly what kind of banking they need with no surprises or hidden charges.
- A chance to earn up to 15% interest on money with flexible goal-based savings
- Personalized money tracking: With the MyMintApp (Android , IOS, Web) customers can monitor inflow and outflow, check-spending limits, lock cards and simply plan ahead.
- Financial inclusion: The bank would provide financial services to underserved groups such as low-income earners. Mint digital bank would help individuals and businesses to secure financial products and services at economical prices. Such services would include deposits, fund transfers, bill payments, payments, etc.
It can be recalled that at the 19th edition of the National Seminar on Banking and Allied Matters for Judges, organized by the Chartered Institute of Bankers of Nigeria (CIBN), the Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, Mr. Godwin Emefiele, asserted that “Digital finance can deliver enormous benefits, not just for the payments system but also for the financial wellbeing of the citizenry and the economy at large. It improves competition, increases efficiency and revolutionizes financial services,”
This forecast is fast turning out to be true with the introduction of such innovations as Mint Digital Bank, which will allow customers open an account without a paper trail, transfer money, request money from Mint customers, pay bills, top-up phone calling cards, fund virtual cards, set up recurring payments, pay back loans, all through the bank’s mobile application and avoiding both queues and bank charges.
The digital initiative promises to further shrink the gap between traditional banks and financial technology firms in Nigeria.
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Since iOS and Android started going head to head in the phone market, there has been an intense rivalry between users of both operating systems. This rivalry has resulted in insults being hurled back and forth, most times, unprovoked. Insults like these:
For a second, I thought this was the footage on that tape in “The Ring”.
Well, at least he’s considerate.
Hian!
More camera slander.
NO LIES were told in this tweet.
Nna ehn. What manner of shade is this?
Remember the story of the guy whose phone exploded while charging?
They can’t. Lol
It’s things like this that’ll propel humanity into the dystopian depicted in ‘The Hunger Games’.
SCREAMING!
Oh. they will. Remember that dystopian future I talked about? The UPRISING will take us there.
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1) The Freshers:
They’re usually overwhelmed by the whole scene so they stand frozen like a deer in headlights, which makes them easy to spot. If you spot one, don’t make fun of them. Be nice and offer to help. We are decent people in this house.
2) The OGs
The moment you see them, you know they’ve gotten used to this fitfam thing. They walk into the gym with a sunny disposition, which is annoying because gym equipment are just torture contraptions in disguise. What the fuck do they have to be excited about??
3) The Muscle Heads:
Fear these people. Chances are your gym goals are WAY different from theirs. And even if your goal is to one day also look like a lumpy loaf of bread, you still have a long way to go before you get to their level. My point is, working out with them or copying their workouts without adjustments for your weight size will end with you in sifia pains.
4) The Slay People:
Even these ones come to the gym regularly, their top priority isn’t working out. It’s to take cute gym pictures and videos then can tension their social media followers with.
5) The Talkers:
These ones never do anything and are seemingly just there to give work out advice…to people that didn’t ask for it. Just like the image above, they don’t understand (or just choose to ignore) social cues that are meant to let them know that their victims are uncomfortable.
6) The Ministers of Enjoyment:
They pay their monthly subscriptions but only show up when there’s a gym celebration or get together of some kind.
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1) Frequently compare them to their more successful peers.
“Do they have two heads?”
2) If you’re both out and they say they’re hungry, tell them this:
Revenge is a dish best served…at home.
3) When they tell you to fix something on their phone, tell them this:
“Let the phone rest!”
4) If they use glasses, causally say this:
“You destroyed your eyes.”
5) When they call to ask for money, tell them this:
Black tax evaded.
6) When they come to visit you in your house and attempt to move mad, tell them this:
“You can go back to your house if you disagree.”
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A lot of us witnessed the era when many Nollywood actors decided to try their hands at music for some reason. A LOT of them sucked at it and we all made jokes (Hi, Jim), but there were others who actually made fire bops we all still bump to till this day.
1) Genevieve Nnaji
This song is a feminist anthem (and a lowkey bop) but we all didn’t notice because we were too busy clowning the insane early 2000s vibes/fashion featured in the music video.
2) Omotola Jalede-Ekeinde
This was yet another case of Nigerians not being able to see past the music video featuring batshit early 2000s fashion, insane set pieces, Omotola’s struggle dance steps, and a clown for some reason. The song is a legit bop.
3) Nkem Owoh
This song might’ve been banned by the EFFC for its subject matter (and might’ve resulted in Nkem Owoh being arrested by the Dutch police on suspicion of lottery fraud and immigration violations) but real ones still bump this fuego bop to this day.
4) Patience Ozokwor
The Nollywood queen of wickedness (under the stage name, Mama Gee) gave us this eternal bop that doubled as her manifesto for if she ever becomes president. Everyone getting their own share of the national cake/moimoi? That’s a movement we should all get behind.
5) Tonto Dikeh
If you’ve listened to any of Tonto’s songs (yes, she has more than one) and are wondering why she’s on this list, it’s because she’s the queen of making music that falls into the “so bad, it’s good” category. Her first (terrible) hit single was titled “Hi”. Go listen to it if you haven’t and thank me later.
RECOMMENDED: 5 Movie Clips That Capture The Hilarious Insanity Of Old Nollywood
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1) Shaving people’s heads like they’re scraping concrete with a rake.
Oy! You’re a barber cutting hair, not a pirate digging for treasure. Take it easy with people’s heads.
2) Gisting while cutting hair.
Can you please pay attention? Gisting with people is how you lose focus and end up fucking up customers’ hairlines.
3) Taking breaks to change music.
People have other shit to do. Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” does nothing for your haircutting skills.
4) Slicing your head open while carving people’s hairlines.
Calm down, Sweeney Todd!
5) Pouring spirit on people’s heads without warning.
The thing dey pain na.
6) When they use too much powder and then forget to wipe it off.
So then you unknowingly walk about looking like a cocaine addict.
7) Putting those fancy haircut posters on their walls, implying that they can do the hairstyles when they know damn well they can’t.
I hate fraudulent people.
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