Today, I will be recapping the 1996 Nollywood drama, Domitilla.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The movie starts with a group of sex workers — Judith (Sandra Achums), Anita (Ada Ameh), and Jenny (Kate Henshaw) — manning their street corner. You can tell that the night is just starting and these fabulous mistresses of the night are getting ready for customers to come to buy their work. The movie’s protagonist, Domitilla (Ann Njemanze) arrives. Her friends are excited to see her and express this exactly how you’d expect late 90s Nollywood prostitutes to.

In the 1990s, these outfits must’ve been scandalous enough to get one branded with a scarlet A and stoned to death in the market square. Now, this is just Christ Embassy choir couture.

They stand around for a while, complaining about a scarcity of customers when a guy that looks a lot like Grace Jones shows up looking for a fun time. After sizing up the ladies with his eyes, he settles on Anita, and the following conversation takes place between them:

Ok. That part was all me. Here’s what they really said:

And just like that, discount Grace Jones takes Anita home for the night. Not long after, Domitilla gets a client and is also whisked away. It’s revealed in the next scene that Domitilla is the only one out of the group who has a day job. Due to her overnight commitments, she gets to work late the next morning, causing her boss, discount Papa Ajasco, to yell at her.

Domitilla meets a hot and rich guy named John (Charles Okafor). One day, John comes to visit her at the tiny ass apartment that she shares with the other girls. While they’re chilling in the living room, Anita runs in barefoot and is barely clothed. She’s clearly just got back from servicing a client and is about to blab about it but Domitilla doesn’t want John to know about their true profession because she really likes him. So this happens:

Domitilla and John are out one night having a drink…

…when they run into one of John’s friends. The friend pulls John to a private corner of the bar they’re in and says:

John is already falling for Domitilla so he’s in denial for a bit but the friend is like:

John returns to the table and the following conversation takes place.

At her day job the next day, Domitilla complains to her colleague, Pat, about how all her money goes into taking care of her sick father. Pat feels bad for Domitilla and invites her to a party her uncle is throwing later that night, claiming that there will be many rich men who will probably be willing to give Domitilla free money. This is weird because Pat doesn’t even know that Domitilla moonlights as a sex worker. Domitilla attends the party flanked by her homegirls, and it doesn’t take long before she meets an older man named Dr Lawson (Enebeli Elebuwa) who decides to become her sugar daddy.

Domitilla, Jenny, and Judith are working their corner one night when a Peugeot 504 pulls up with two good-looking men in it, who say that they’re looking for a good group time. All the girls jump at the opportunity to chill with these obviously rich big boys willing to pay double their usual fee, so they get in the car with them. Things take a horrifying turn when the men drive to a dimly lit uncompleted building and bundle the girls in. The girls try to escape but Jenny is caught, choked, beheaded, and has her organs harvested.

Jenny’s death causes all the girls to spiral. There’s a heartbreaking scene where they all come together to grieve their fallen sister while complaining about the hard lives that fate has given them. The scene is effective but goes on for too long and quickly becomes annoying. Domitilla returns to the house one afternoon to find Anita packing her things. When she asks wtf is going on, Anita is like:

Anita informs Domitilla that she’s leaving their shared apartment to move in with discount Grace Jones, her client from the opening scene because he’s fallen in love with her and asked her to move in with him. Domitilla is truly happy for Anita but breaks down in tears, screaming, “GOD WHEN?!” Anita comforts her with this:

Just as Anita is about to leave, she turns to Domitilla and says:

But Domitilla is like:

And she does just that.

She doesn’t give up Dr Lawson, though. After telling him about Jenny’s death, he moves her into a hotel and foots the bill for her to live there permanently so he can sneak in for quickies whenever he wants without his wife finding out.

Dressed in a fancy wig and skirt suit combo so you know she has levelled up, Domitilla returns to her old apartment to visit Judith, the only remaining member of their group who still walks the street at night. Judith is distraught about the others leaving her alone for better lives.

Domitilla consoles her and gives her some money to start a proper business. Judith is over the moon.

Things go well for Domitilla until Dr Lawson’s wife, Mrs Lawson (Maureen Ihua), finds out about the affair. And as you expect, she’s fucking furious.

And she proceeds to do just that.

After taking her teenage daughter to Domitilla’s house so they can beat the shit out of Domitilla together (the daughter is horrified, says no, and asks to be taken home), Mrs Lawson decides to kill Domitilla, Disney villain style. She pays the manager of the hotel Domitilla is staying at to poison the next drink Domitilla orders. Unfortunately, the next time Domitilla orders a drink is when Dr Lawson is in the room with her. He unknowingly drinks from the poisoned glass and immediately dies.

Domitilla is arrested for the death of Dr Lawson and taken to court. Judith (who now runs a successful plastic business) joins forces with Anita to hire a good lawyer for Domitilla. Mrs Lawson plays the grieving window role perfectly and it looks like Domitilla might be found guilty. That’s until Dr Lawson’s teenage daughter takes the stand and reveals the truth.

Distraught that her own flesh and blood has exposed her like this, Mrs Lawson screams and passes out.

Domitilla’s friends and family run to hug her in celebration. Just as the judge is about to read the verdict, we get this:

I’m sorry but this first part was almost two hours long. There’s no way in hell I’m watching a sequel that’s obviously going to be another two hours of courtroom drama.

PEACE OUT. ✌🏽

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Mark of the Beast,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I will be recapping the music video for Eedris Abdulkareem’s 2003 hit song, Live in Yankee.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

The video starts with a visibly-distraught girl sitting on the bed of what is obviously a hotel room but is supposed to be her bedroom. I say this is because there’s a landline on the bedside table (only hotels do that shit), and the bedsheets and curtains are serving low budget guest house realness. Homegirl — whose name we never find out — is making a call, and as soon as it goes through, sings this:

Eedris, you promise sey you go marry me

See me you hurt me so badly

Remember na garri wey we dey wack eh

You don go yankee, you com forget me totally

Because I’m a messy bitch who lives for chaos, this is what I imagine she sings:

Eedris conveniently ignores the bit about him abandoning her and says that he actually set out to travel to Guinea but somehow ended up in America. If you’re hoping for an explanation of how the fuck that happened, don’t hold your breath because he doesn’t give one. He goes on to explain that while roaming the streets of New York looking for a record deal…

…he randomly came across P. Diddy…

…who immediately gave him a record deal…

…and billboard placements at Times Square (?)

You see, neither Diddy nor Eedris can rap so it makes perfect sense that one would sign the other.

Hearing about all the success Eedris has found without her, homegirl becomes even more distraught than she was when the conversation started and sings the chorus again, this time clutching a sad little stuffed sheep.

Eedris once again dismisses the obvious distress homegirl is in by saying:

And that makes me go:

Eedris talks about how P.Diddy gave him money to go shopping…

…and an obviously rented Lexus jeep.

This makes me wonder if P.Diddy took Eedris on as his artist or sugar baby.

A thing that happens all through the song that I LOVE is that whenever Eedris talks about a wild/amazing thing he’s done in America, homegirl interjects with adlibs that properly express the distress she feels from being abandoned. For example, Eedris sings about attending a party where Diddy gives him TWENTY Puerto Rican mummies to bump genitals with…

…and homegirl immediately screams:

Following it up with a gentle:

Probably because she can see the chances of Eedris returning for her slowly disappear with every story he tells.

The song goes on for a while and it’s just Eedris bragging about all women he’s slept with in the two years since he left. Just when you think all hope is lost for Homegirl, Eedris returns from America with a half bottle of champagne and two wine glasses to ask for her hand in marriage.

If you think Homegirl is going to slap him across the face and turn him down for abandoning her, you’re wrong. She puts on the ugliest wedding gown in existence…

…and runs up a comically long flight of stairs…

…to jump into his arms. And then they get married (?) I’m not sure tbh. Because as soon as they hug, the screen goes all wobbly like it does in movies when someone is daydreaming. The video ends with a shot of Homegirl angrily ripping a poster of Eedris off the wall of her room, and this insane shot of Eedris chilling with Ronald McDonald for some reason.

2003 was a very special time.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Nollywood Movie, “Mark of the Beast,” So You Don’t Have To

Today, I’ll be recapping the late 1990s Nollywood horror movie, Mark of the Beast.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

You can tell, based on her facial expression, that Genevieve was serving premium sass in whatever scene that screenshot was taken from.

I watched this movie for the first time when I was 8-years-old and spent the next few years blocking it out because it was too terrifying. The only memory I had of it until recently was the scene of a pastor being yelled at by a rotund and particularly rude serving of pounded yam; a memory I most likely held on to because it’s funny as shit. Anyway, I was at my birthday dinner on the 18th of January 2022 when I encountered this tweet:

And just like that, all the horrifying parts of the movie I’d worked so hard to forget came rushing back, causing me to scream and fall to my knees in the toilet of the restaurant where my birthday dinner was taking place. After the mini-breakdown, I figured that this film would make a good “So You Don’t Have To” entry, so here we are.

The movie starts with a woman in the hospital giving birth. After struggling for a bit, the baby is born. The doctor (Segun Arinze) says, “Congratulations. You’ve delivered a bouncing baby boy,” and hands the still bloody baby to the mother. When the mother opens her eyes, she sees the doctor as this…

The love child of King Kong and Calibos (from the original Clash of the Titans)

…and sees her baby as this:

The love child of Miss Piggy and Baphomet.

Homegirl is understandably horrified by all this and proceeds to die of shock.

As this is happening, a man named Chief Modupe (Enebeli Elebuwa), flanked on both sides of his head by a pair of incredibly unsettling sideburns, is sitting in his living room and watching TV. A breaking news broadcast comes on, anchored by a woman wearing what appears to be a Golden Girls Halloween wig.

The lights in Chief Modupe’s house flicker, causing his heavily pregnant wife, Mrs Modupe (Ngozi Ezeonu), to slip and fall in the bathroom. After getting her to the hospital, Chief Modupe learns from the doctor — the same one that delivered the baby in the opening scene — that Mrs Modupe’s fall SOMEHOW ruptured her uterus, killed the baby in her belly, and destroyed her womb. The prognosis is that she’ll never again be able to conceive.

Chief Modupe is distraught and about to ugly cry when the Doctor suggests that Chief Modupe adopt the baby born in the opening scene and pass it off to his wife as the one that was in her belly.

Chief Modupe takes the child and names him, Chris.

Ten years later, Chris has grown to be a creepy precocious child. Mrs Modupe walks into his bedroom one night and finds some scary drawings he’s made.

She’s about to dismiss it as something he probably picked up from a movie or video game until she looks at his face and sees this:

We later see Chris having a Zoom meeting with Lucifer in his room. It’s revealed that the reason Chris looked like a demon piglet at the time of his birth is that he’s the literal spawn of Satan. Satan tattoos Chris’ forehead with the mark of the beast (666) and sends him into the world to win souls for hell.

Because of what she saw in Chris’ room, Mrs Modupe becomes terrified of Chris. Chris picks up on this and proceeds to fuck with her mind by infiltrating her dreams and turning them into nightmares. Like this one:

Any time Mrs Modupe tries to tell her husband what’s happening, Chris wipes her memory with magic. After months of torture, Chris kills her by making her stab herself in the chest with a long-ass kitchen knife.

Twenty years pass. Chris has taken over his father’s vague business is now being played by a man that looks like a Christ Embassy youth pastor.

Actor: Charles Sadiq-Waran

And it’s revealed that the doctor who helped deliver Chris as a baby and convinced the Modupes the adopt him knows about Chris’ origin and is a soldier of Satan.

OVER ONE HOUR INTO THE MOVIE, a pair of siblings named Mike (Joe Nwodo) and Nene (Genevieve Nnaji) sashay into the story. The first time we see them, they’re at a hospital visiting their chronically ill mother, who’s going in for surgery and is not sure she’s going to survive.

And she’s right. She dies during surgery and the children are emotionally wrecked. Mike decides that God has called him to fight the anti-christ so he quits his job and starts a church. He and Nene are driving down a road one day when they witness a group of armed robbers attempt to rob Chris. Chris steps out of his car and does this:

Which makes the armed robbers go:

When the robbers flee, Mike and Nene go to check if Chris is ok. Even though he’s acting like you’d expect the anti-christ in an old Nollywood movie to act (weird and rude), they insist on being friends with him and invite him to their church. He agrees to attend and makes the decision to start messing with them like he did his mother.

Mike is in bed one night, wearing the pyjamas Nene bought him and reading the bible when the spirit of konji rears its head. He starts rubbing his penis and gets the disgusting idea to go have sex with his Nene, HIS SISTER. So he sneaks into her room and proceeds to grab her boob…

…but comes to his senses before actually doing anything. Meanwhile, Chris finds out that Nene is a virgin and spiritually sexes her up in a dream. She starts hanging out with Chris more and acting out until Mike notices something is not right with her and initiates a surprise deliverance session.

We find out that the night Chris was born, so were six others around the world; one for each continent. Their job is to get as many souls as possible for hell from their respective continents. Satan gathers all seven of them for an all-hands meeting to track their progress. Here’s a picture of all of them.

It tickles me greatly to see that they’re all light-skinned.

Chris reveals that he’s been using his business to recruit more souls by infusing the following things with soul-binding dark magic:

• Makeup
• Video games
• Music
• Movies
• Fast food
• Second hand clothes (remeber this one)
• Toys
• Candy
• THE FREAKING INTERNET (keep in mind this movie was made in the late 1990s and the internet wasn’t mainstream in Nigeria yet so there were still conspiracy theories surroudning it)

Mike is getting ready for bed another night when he puts on the pyjamas Nene bought him and gets the urge to bump genitals with her again. Somehow coming to the conclusion that the pyjamas are the problem (sure, he’s right but that was an insane mental leap he took), he takes it off and burns it. He then goes to his sister and is like:

Chris amps up his attempts to fuck up Mike and Nene’s lives. And that’s what leads us to the iconic talking pounded yam scene. Nene makes pounded yam for dinner one night and as Mike blesses the food, the pounded yam goes:

Mike and Nene join forces to vanquish the demonic pounded yam. This experience makes them organise a night vigil at their church, which Chris attends for some reason. When a priest (don’t ask why a catholic priest is at a pentecostal night vigil) starts throwing holy water over all the people present, a drop of it touches Chris and this comes out of Chris’ body:

And everyone lives happily ever after.

SIKE!

RECOMMENDED: I Recapped Mummy GO’s Most Insane Videos So You Don’t Have To