Today, I will be recapping the 2006 Nollywood crime heist (?) movie, Girl’s Cot.

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

I know that this was 2006 but these Darling Yaki wigs are sending me!

Before we begin, I need you all to know that the director of Girl’s Cot, Afam Okereke, is also responsible for Beyonce & Rihanna and White Hunters. Do whatever you want with that information.

The movie starts with a thrilling car chase on the traffic-free roads of Abuja. Four girls dressed in shake & go wigs and insane early 2000s fashions are in an SUV being pursued by the police.

The girls drive into the compound of a lavish-looking mansion and lock the gate before the police can catch up to them. When the police van gets to the house, the detective present orders the policemen to storm the house and arrest the girls but the men are like, “Lol. No.” The detective asks:

And the men are like:

As the policemen are discussing where on the bad bitch scale the girls are, the girls emerge from the house to taunt the policemen…

…before going back in. The policemen are just there like:

I find all this incredibly amusing but I’m also confused as to what the hell is going on. As if on cue, the movie cuts to a flashback to explain how this group of girls came to be. Alicia (Rita Dominic) is a university student who is poor as shit. She gets into sex work but keeps getting screwed over by customers (literally and figuratively) who fuck and run without paying.

Alicia is chilling on her street corner one night when she meets Eve (Ini Edo). Eve gives Alicia some money and invites Alicia to come to live with her in her dorm room. Alicia gets to Eve’s dorm room and meets Eve’s roommate, Bella (Uche Jombo Rodriguez), who immediately expresses intense dislike for Alicia.

Alicia’s determination to become a happening babe on campus is what gives us what has become the most iconic Nollywood scene of all time. A group of popular campus babes are going to a party. Alicia sees them as they’re on their way and asks if she can go with them. You know what? You need to watch this scene yourself if you haven’t already.

The popular girls storm off and Alicia is left standing there like:

Eve, Alicia, and Bella are in their dorm room one day when a girl named Queen (Genevieve Nnaji) sashays in and says she was assigned to that room by the school. Bella tries to tell her off because they’re already three in the room but Queen subtly tells Bella to fuck off to hell.

Queen says that her father is the vice president of Nigeria but begs the girls not to tell anyone so she doesn’t draw unnecessary attention. When they ask the obvious question:

Queen says that she wants to feel what it’s like to live like the common man. Eve welcomes Queen with open arms and later tries to steal her shoes.

But gets caught in the act by Queen.

Eve is terrified that Queen will expose her but for some reason, Queen has no problems with being robbed. She even gives Eve a few of her shoes. Eve has no idea what to make of this behaviour but is happy to not be exposed as a thief.

Alicia and Bella are by themselves in the room one afternoon when Alicia catches Bella doing this:

After a few minutes of heavy flirting, Alicia reveals that she too is about that life and is like:

Since they’re both alone in the room, they proceed to bump genitals.

This storyline is weird and came out of nowhere but let’s see where they’ll go with it sha.

A few days later, Queen invites the girls to a party that’ll be attended by the top politicians in the country. The girls are about to turn down the invitation because they have nothing fancy to wear when Queen offers to buy clothes for all of them. They excitedly accept her offer and have the time of their lives at the party. At school the next day, they’re all bragging about the money they made from the men they met when Queen is like:

The girls are gagged and not in a good way. They start to argue but Queen shuts them up with the reminder that she spent a lot so they could attend the party. She also points out that her connections helped them make all that money and if they don’t give her what she’s asking, they’ll never have access to those rich men again. Defeated, the girls acquiesce to her demands, and she officially becomes their pimp.

Queen is walking across campus one day when a random student runs up to her and says this:

Queen is confused as to why the cultists would do this when the guy informs her that it’s because her secret is out. The whole school now knows that her father is the Vice President. Queen quickly moves out of the hostel and into a lavish-looking mansion in town; the same one the girls drive into in the movie’s opening scene. She invites the other girls to move in with her and they happily agree.

After going on a ₦1.6 million shopping spree, Queen gathers the girls and says:

Queen proposes that they become professional blackmailers for a living. The rest of the girls are apprehensive about doing this, probably because they’ve seen the 1996 action thriller, Set It Off, and don’t like how that movie ended for the protagonists, but Queen points out the skills they possess that’ll ensure their success.

After the pep talk from Queen, the girls agree.

Their jobs are simple. Queen and Eve bring the rich and powerful men they’re dating to the house.

Alicia comes in and seduces them.

The girls secretly make a video of the sexual encounter and then blackmail the men with it.

This movie clearly takes place in an alternate universe where a Nigerian politician’s career can actually be affected by something like a sex tape. Let’s just go along with it.

When a few of the politicians they’ve blackmailed report them to the police, they get Bella to sleep with the Inspector General of Police and blackmail him so he’ll make sure they’re untouchable.

And with this, the long-ass flashback ends and we end up where the movie began. Queen and the girls had just stolen a shit ton of pure gold from one of their victims and that’s why they were being chased by the police. They’re a menace. All of Abuja knows about their antics but no one can do anything about it.

Meanwhile, Alicia and Bella are having relationship drama. Alicia suggested that they elope to another country so they can get married and live openly but Bella is like, “Fuck no” because she wants to marry a man and have kids. Alicia feels like she’s been deceived and is constantly pissed but can’t explain to Queen or Eve why because her and Bella’s relationship is still a secret.

The movie gets super messy from here. Alicia finds out that Bella has a secret fiancé and sleeps with him to get back at her. Bella is pissed by this and moves out of the house. It’s revealed that Queen has a serious boyfriend who she genuinely loves. It’s also revealed that he’s been cheating on her with Eve.

The Inspector-General wants to do the right thing but doesn’t want his life ruined so he quits his job and flees. All the girls are arrested. The Vice President FINALLY shows up and reveals that Queen is indeed his daughter but from an illegitimate relationship. Queen accepts that she’s going to prison for life for her crimes but not before releasing an audio clip of the Vice President threatening to kill her and get rid of her body. Things end badly for everybody.

RECOMMENDED: I Reviewed the Wigs in “Young, Famous & African” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be reviewing the insane wigs on the Netflix reality show, Young, Famous & African.

To quote the iconic SNL character, Stefan, Netflix’s new reality series, Young, Famous & African, has EVERYTHING.

• Attractive people
• Hot mess
• Insane outfits
• Boss ladies
• Pointless drama
• Themed-parties
• Extravagant displays of affluence
• An incredibly disturbing relationship that the producers decided to make the main storyline of the show because they knew it would get people talking.

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. If you want to experience these things for yourself, go watch the show. It’s streaming on Netflix. Get your entire life.

What we’re here to discuss today are the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad wigs on the show. Specifically, the wigs that made an appearance on the head of cast member, Khanyi Mbau.

Khanyi’s wigs need to be talked about, and I volunteer to talk about them. pic.twitter.com/iIc2EFFeGp

— Astor ™ (@grandpabbychuck) March 22, 2022

Now, I love Khanyi. She’s my favourite member of the cast because she gave everything a reality show start is supposed to give.But you you know what she gave that we didn’t want? Thise wigs. It’s clear that her hair and makeup people hate and don’t mean her well. You want proof? Keep reading.

This wig isn’t awful but it does look like a hairy beret, and that bothers me.

This wig looks like cold Indomie.

The bangs on this wig are in distress.

This wig looks like it was laid with engine oil.

READ: If You’ve Watched “Young, Famous & African,” These Memes Will Crack You Up

This wig looks like a refurbished Karen wig.

This is a mop moonlighting as a wig.

This is Halle Berry’s wig from X-Men 1.

This wig looks like it tried to be Angela Bassett’s wig from Black Panther but failed.

This is Halle Berry’s wig from X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

This wig is a small forest rodent. That’s why it was trying to flee her head in this scene.

Another X-Men wig?! THIS is Famke Janssen’s lace front from X-Men 3: The Last Stand!

This wig is a hat.

Last and the absolute worst

This one greatly upset me and my homegirls because not only was she sitting in the midst of friends and behind-the-scenes crew members of the show, she was also sitting next to her boyfriend, and NONE of them could tao her and say, “Hunty, your wig is trying to escape. Please, hold it down.”

Nawa.

RECOMMENDED: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Domitilla,” So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

If you’re here for the backstory as to why the slap happened, you’ve missed road. I’m here to tell my version of events.

17th of March, 2022.

The time is 11 am and because Nigeria is hell, I don’t have power. I’m hard at work pretending to like my neighbour so she can let me charge her devices in her house, after a lot of small talk, I succeed. As I settle down to work, I see it; the tweet that’s going to send me down the rabbit hole.

My first reaction to this news is this:

https://t.co/YtFUlSfRbC pic.twitter.com/Z8YdaATh1e

— Astor ™ (@grandpabbychuck) March 17, 2022

So I went and found out the tea.

*insert law and order sound*

It’s a hot summer’s (?) day. Chukwuma Soludo’s inauguration as the new governor of Anambra state is ongoing, and it’s as boring as you can imagine. A bunch of old people take turns at a podium reading speeches even they don’t give a shit about. All the people present are praying for the event to end so they can get back to whatever it is Nigerian politicians do when Ebelechukwu Obiano, the wife of the outgoing governor of Anambra (Wille Obiano) spots her archnemesis, Bianca Ojukwu, sitting across from her and decides to inject some much-needed excitement into the event’s proceedings.

This lady

Ebelechuckwu gets up from her seat and swings her arms dramatically as she sashays across the inauguration venue towards Bianca Ojukwu, wife of the late Emeka Odumegwu-Ojukwu. With the insane sleeves of her pink frilly dress billowing in the wind, Ebelechukwu isn’t moving with the body language of a person with violence on her mind so what happens next shocks everyone.

And with that, Bianca gracefully stands up and slaps Ebelechuckwu across the face so hard, it shifts Ebelechuckwu’s wig to the middle of her head.

The slap is thunderous. Legend has it that if you listen hard enough, you can still hear the innocent onlookers scream:

Ebelechukwu tries to retaliate with a slap of her own but doesn’t get the chance. Security agents have already gotten in between them. When Ebelechukwu thinks about how she has brought about her own embarrassment on national TV, creating a shameful moment that will live on the internet forever — a moment that wouldn’t have happened if she had just sat down and eaten her food, she is FUCKING FURIOUS. What she does next is probably all she can think of to save face. Across the sea of people between them, she looks at Bianca and yells:

Lol.

The cast of the Real Housewives of Lagos better be taking notes. This is the type of chaos we expect from them.

RECOMMENDED: I Compiled The Worst #IWD 2022 Messages From Nigerian Brands So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be putting together a list of the worst International Women’s Day 2022 celebratory messages from Nigerian brands.

It’s that time of year again, when we as Nigerians on the internet put our differences aside and come together to drag all the Nigerians brands who put out unintentionally hilarious and mildly offensive International Women’s Day messages in failed attempts to be witty. Without foda ado, let’s…Fisayo Fosudo’s lawyers just broke down my door and are waving a cease & desist! skdhsjkhdjkhfk…!

ALAT

On the morning of International Women’s Day 2022, ALAT hit us with this; a video of a WhatsApp chat going on between two people. An unnamed person texts someone named Chris and after exchanging rushed pleasantries, the unnamed person asks Chris for a literal urgent 2k, adding, “Expecting something hooge soon.” Because this is totally how real people talk in private conversations and not a brand trying to pander to potential customers using currently popular slang. Chris is like, “Ugh. Whatever. Send your details” and then the camera pans up to reveal Chris’ full name.

Christie.

Because she’s a girl, and this entire thing has been a conversation between two girls (?) I don’t even know at this point.

The video ends with a shot of this message:

Do you get it? Because I sure as hell don’t. Please explain in the comments if you do.

First Bank

Everything that could go wrong with this message went wrong. First of all, they somehow found a way to put men front and center on International Women’s Day. Then there’s the #He4She hashtag, which reads like a dated insult probably directed Bobrisky that you’d find in the comment section of a gossip blog on Instagram. Then there’s the guy in the last picture, who was clearly about to hit a mean gbese just as his picture was taken.

My favourite part of First Bank’s message, though, is this reply that the social media manager tried to hide but only succeeded in drawing more attention to:

If you’re the person behind that Twitter account and you’re reading this, please DM me and tell me why you think this. Please tell me so I can find peace.

MeristemNG

Girl, what even is this supposed to mean? “A lion is as productive as she is fierce. Like a woman”? I feel like whoever came up with this has watched a little too much America’s Next Top Model or RuPaul’s Drag Race, because all the elements in this (the airbrushing, the lipstick art, the confusing message) make it look a challenge from either one of those shows gone terribly wrong.

Hypo

This one kills me because Hypo did not need to do this. They didn’t need to do anything at all. Have you ever heard anyone go, “Hmmm. Why didn’t Hypo put out an International Women’s Day message?” No, you haven’t. Because they constantly fly under the radar. That’s why it’s so funny that they chose this day of all days to pull an Icarus and fly headfirst into the sun. Wo for what? Wonderful.

REDWOI.F 

LMAO. I’m not even touching this one.

Wema

This image looks innocent enough, right? Well, when you zoom in on the card in her hand, you see this:

The name on the card says Emeka Ibrahim Adekunle.

Many people understandably took this to mean that the folks at Wema think that ‘women breaking the bias’ means having men foot the bill for everything so intense dragging commenced. A few hours later, Wema responded to the controversy with this:

The public’s reaction to this can summed up with the following GIF:

And I get it. Because shalaye’ing like this just makes things worse.

Honestly, I think more brands should learn from Sterling Bank, who decided to keep it short and cute by posting this:

The folks at Sterling said, “Alexa. Play ‘No More Drama’ by Mary J. Blige.”

RECOMMENDED: I Watched the Old Nollywood Movie, “The President Must Not Die”, So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I will be recapping the old Nollywood movie, The President Must Not Die.

The movie starts with the most incredibly early 2000s party I’ve ever seen. The party spot is dimly lit, and that can be seen are the outlines of bodies furiously grinding against each other along to jams by long-forgotten one-hit wonders.

All I can think about when watching this is how hot the space must be, and I’m proven right when a woman named Rachel, dressed in a tube top and bell-bottom jeans, emerges from the party looking exhausted and sweaty as hell.

Rachel is about to get in her car when she gets verbally harassed by two men. One of them says something about how offended he is that he tried to dance with her at the party but she turned him down. He starts to insult her when she counters his insult with a dirty slap.

The guys get angry and make to physically attack her but she beats the shit out of them using Nollywood style kung fu.

The men run away after getting their asses kicked. The movie cuts to a news broadcast discussing a longstanding beef between the president and vice president, which is insane but this is also Nigeria and weirder things have happened. The president is shown giving a speech at an event in the ugliest agbada I’ve ever seen.

When he’s done with this speech and tries to leave, a man wearing a giant jacket grabs the president. The president’s security is set to attack when the man in the giant jacket tells everyone to lower their weapons because he has a bomb strapped to his chest and will blow everyone to smithereens if they try shit. He opens his giant jacket and reveals what is supposed to be a bomb but really looks like eight sausages inserted into a utility belt.

Two hours after the president gets kidnapped, the kidnappers haven’t reached out with their demands. The vice president is shook and gathers the country’s top security heads in a conference room so he can yell at them.

The president’s wife storms into the office in a million braid wig and immediately starts screaming at the vice president to return her husband. You see, she believes the vice president has something to do with her husband’s abduction because of the beef he and her husband have.

The man in the giant jacket calls the president’s wife from a disconnected landline and says:

He gives her 24 hours to come up with the money before hanging up. The man in the giant jacket does his best to intimidate the president…

…but the president legit doesn’t give a damn…

…and asks to speak to his wife on the phone. Meanwhile, the president’s wife is losing her shit and calls a retired army general for help. The general is confused but she insists that her husband told her that if anything ever happened to him, she was to call the general. The man in the giant jacket calls again and the general attempts to track the location of the caller with a Windows 95 suite.

Tracking the origin of the phone call doesn’t work, and the general suddenly decides that rescuing the president is a job for his secret elite squad of perpetually angry female agents.

Discount Charlie’s Angels, if you will.

Kemi

Lisa

And Rachel (the kung fu lady from the movie’s opening scene).

The general gathers the three ladies to brief them on their mission when the man in the giant jacket calls again to inform the president’s wife of the drop-off point. All three actions ladies (this is what I’m calling them from now on) go with the president’s wife to the drop-off point, which causes an unintentionally hilarious shootout.

After like a minute of this, the kidnappers escape in their car but not before the action ladies manage to fire a tracking device onto their car. Take a look at what we’re shown when they fire the tracking device and tell me this wasn’t taken straight out of James Bond 007: From Russia with Love on PS2.

The man in the giant jacket and his accomplices get back to their base only to find out that the bag is full of blank papers. Fucking furious, he slams the president against a wall and raises the ransom money to $120 million as punishment for them attempting to fuck with him.

At that moment, a mysterious figure sashays into the hideout and is revealed to be one of the president’s top security chiefs. It turns out that this security chief hired the man in the giant jacket to orchestrate all this. However, the top security chief is mad because the man in the giant jacket is going against the original plans of just kidnapping and killing the president.

But the man in the giant jacket is like:

The president witnesses this interaction and realises that the man in the giant jacket was never going to let him live.

While all this is happening, the actions ladies find the kidnapper’s hideout and take out all the guards in cheesy ways, like this:

The action ladies storm the warehouse and a shootout ensues. Here’s an action sequence that takes place during the shootout:

Homegirl in the pink jumpsuit is lucky she didn’t get hit by a stray bullet while doing all that.

After a few more minutes of unintentionally hilarious kung fu hijinks (including a scene where one of the action ladies gets punched square in the right boob), it comes down to a fistfight between Rachel — the head action girl — and the man in the giant jacket. Rachel kicks his ass and kills him by impaling him on a rusty ass spike.

Just when you think the movie’s about to end, the man in the giant jacket somehow un-impales himself quietly, picks up two swords(?) and attempts to kill the president.

So the president and all the action ladies fill him up with bullets.

And all is well in Aso Rock.

Well, except for the top security agent who hired the man in the giant jacket to do all this. He realises that he’ll be going to prison for the rest of his life when it’s revealed that he was behind it. So he climbs into his car and shoots himself in the face.

Recommended: I Watched The Nollywood Movie, “Domitilla,” So You Don’t Have To