Today, I will be recapping the fight between Chioma and Carolyna in this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Lagos.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Brethren, we all know what we’re here. So I’m going to skip through the episode and only talk about the parts that tie into this fight.
Okay? Okay.
Let’s start by giving props to the editing team at Livespot360 (the production team responsible for the show) for beginning the episode with a montage of Chioma and Carolyna hanging out and having fun, foreshadowing the later events of the episode. There’s a clip of them buying jewellery:
A clip of them hailing each other at Toyin’s traditional party thing from two episodes prior.
And a clip from the previous episode where Chioma says this to Carolyna:
I stan shady video editing.
At some point in between the events of this episode, Iyabo and Carolyna get into an altercation that almost leads to Iyabo beating the shit out of Carolyna. This fight isn’t shown onscreen, so the way it comes up is quite jarring. After a scene of the ladies hanging out on a yacht, we return from a commercial break to see Chioma, Mariam, and Laura talking about the fight on phone calls with other people. (Chioma, with her sister; Mariam, with her sister; and Laura, with her friend.)
From what I can gather, Carolyna was rude to Iyabo after the party on the yacht the previous night, accusing her of being insensitive and doing way too much all time, everywhere at once. Carolyna tops this off by telling Iyabo to stop acting like her mother because she’s not. Understandably pissed, Iyabo is like:
Iyabo serves She-Hulk realness by running at and attempting to wreck Carolyn’s face with her fists. Chioma intercepts this impending face pounding by running into Iyabo’s path, but Iyabo picks her up like a ragdoll and tosses her into the bedroom mirror. Judging by the fact that Carolyna’s face isn’t dented the next morning, I’m guessing the other housewives were successful at stopping Iyabo.
Does that sound gloriously messy? Yes. Will we ever see the footage? Probably not.
I hate that I had to piece this together from clips of the housewives talking about it in their confessionals. What was production doing when this fight took place? Are they telling me that no cameras were rolling? Where is the footage?? WHY WAS THE THIS FIGHT HIDDEN FROM US?!
#ReleaseTheIyaboAndCarolynaFootage
Fast forward to later in the episode, the ladies are hanging out by the pool when Chioma references the Iyabo/Carolyna fight. Carolyna tries to change the topic by bringing up Laura but Chioma checks her immediately.
Chioma tries to explain to Carolyna how bad Carolyna’s behaviour was, pointing out Carolyna’s refusal to apologise to Iyabo until Chioma forced her to. Carolyna says this is a lie, and that’s how their fight starts, ladies and gentlemen. With Chioma screaming:
As the argument slowly escalates, I notice that Carolyn’s M.O is throwing out random accusations and hoping that one sticks. In the span of a few minutes, she claims that Chioma is accusing her of not being remorseful for her behaviour because Chioma wants:
A favour from Iyabo.
To join Iyabos clique.
To get back at her for making fun of Chioma’s boyfriend.
Carolyna realises that she’s not winning the argument and attempts to ruin Chioma’s reputation in the eyes of the other ladies, telling them that Chioma believed they were razz when they all met for the first time. This doesn’t work because Chioma owns up to it and says that her opinion of them has changed now that she knows them better. We get a few more minutes of this:
Some of the other ladies are lowkey enjoying the chaos.
Meanwhile, Laura hears the fight happening and is happy because she assumes this vindicates her in her fight with Carolyna earlier in the season. I have bad news for her because:
Things get hotter when Carolyna insults Chioma’s entire family by calling them bastards. Chioma flares up and attacks her.
I just wish she didn’t knock Iyabo down in the process sha.
The episode ends with both Chioma and Carolyna stating in their confessionals that their friendship is over.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
If you’re an avid reader of Zikoko, you know that we’ve spent years relentlessly pushing the agenda that the swallow known as semo is awful.
We can’t stop, won’t stop pushing this agenda because semo is terrible. It’s the worst of all the known swallows, and rumour has it that vulcanisers use it to patch holes in car tyres.
This brings us to today’s issue. I recently came across a website that claims to contain “7812 easy and tasty semo recipes.”
Alas, no one said sike.
Because I like suffering, I went through the website and saw horrible things.
Mama, let’s research.
I imagine that this tastes like sadness. Even syrup won’t help mask the taste of despair.
This semolina glazed bread looks like a mutant doughnut whose creation was botched during the cloning process and is now begging you to shoot it square in the face because it’s in so much pain and wants to be put out of its misery.
I just gagged…and not in a good way.
IS THAT OKRO SOUP?!
You can tell this meat pie isn’t normal because it’s so fucking mishappen. This is not ok. None of this is ok.
Once again, none of those toppings will help mask the depressing taste of semo.
Nope.
Imagine biting into puff puff and realising that the texture is weird because it’s made from semo, and there are also raisins in it. I will burn everyone and everything to the ground.
I blame Buhari for this. If beans didn’t become so expensive, this wouldn’t be happening.
God, abeg.
This is going to be more tasteless than a struggling Nigerian Instagram comedian’s skits.
If your friends get you this for your birthday, I want you to know that they hate you. Not only do they hate you, they secretly hope that you die in a Final Destination-style freak accident. Preferably one that involves a lot of pain.
Today, I will be reviewing the most insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
The things I saw while researching this article have scarred me for life. If you see me on the road, squeeze $16,000 into my palms.
I have the best job in the world. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I came across this tweet yesterday:
And immediately decided that this week’s “So You Don’t Have To” would be about insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet. My job allowed me — nay, required me — to go through dozens of pages of porn. You wish you had my job.
Also, if you see me on the road, give me a hug and rub my head. I’ve seen horrible things.
I Care A Lot (2020), starring Rosamund Pike.
To be clear, the protagonist of this film would hang around a building full of blind guys, knowing that they would immediately get lost when trying to go anywhere and pretend to help but would direct them to an uncompleted building next door to have sex? I stan a scheming queen.
It’s giving Ralia the Sugar Girl all grown up and looking to provide some sugar.
Where is this local bathroom that she just stumbled into the evil forest from Igodo while looking for it? And why is she naked?
You know what? These are trying times, and if Nigerians use role-play to cope with Daddy Bubu’s terrible presidency, so be it.
How To Get Away With Fornication
This story has more plot twists than the 2019 Nigerian crime thriller film, The Set-Up. Inject it.
Maybe this can be the plot of the inevitable Nneka the Pretty Serpent sequel Charles of Play is planning.
I love that the marine kingdom is evolving with the times and now accepts all other forms of payment. Shout out to the current reigning Queen Mother for all her hard work and innovation.
I’m thoroughly confused by this. Did she not know she was naked? And she was sitting on the village local public pussy champion? Why is “local” in this twice? Step grandma??
Temptation Everywhere All At Once (2022)
I wonder if this is what it was like for the people that angels were coming down from heaven to bump genitals with back in Noah’s time.
Today, I will be recapping the incredibly messy 8th episode of Real Housewives Of Lagos.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
I know you’re here for the DRAMA, but let’s do a quick recap of the show for those who don’t watch or do watch but need a refresher.
Real Housewives of Lagos is a reality show that was produced by Livespot360 and premiered on Showmax in April 2022. A spin-off of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise, Showmax describes the show as “a peek into the lives into the opulent and oh-so-extra lifestyle of some of the most affluent women in Lagos, living theirbest Eko-Miami lives. Plus, all the drama and gbas gbos you can expect from The Real Housewives franchise.”
The main cast (from L to R) includes:
Toyin Lawani (aka Tiannah Styling): Serial entrepreneur and unhinged fashion designer.
Chioma Ikoku (aka Chioma Goodhair): Lawyer, Co-founder of Goodhair LTD, and goddess of beauty.
Mariam Trimmer: PR expert and instigator of fun.
Carolyna Hutchings: Actress and self-proclaimed oil and gas mogul.
Iyabo Ojo: Actress and good vibes queen.
Laura Ikeji:Social media influencer and fashion blogger.
The show follows the same format as the other instalments. In every episode, one of the housewives throws a party as an excuse to gather the cast together in one place, with the production team hoping that drama of some kind will happen. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the messy fight that went down in this week’s episode.
In the last episode, Mariam invited the girls over to her house for a fancy lunch, which ended up becoming a late dinner because Carolyna and Chioma showed up like six hours late. Laura was clearly upset about the tardy duo keeping everyone waiting but said nothing, choosing instead to grumble over everything else (the food, the entertainment, etc) and attacking Chioma and Carolyna the next day in their WhatsApp group. Here’s the message she sent:
Chioma stayed silent through the whole thing but Carolyna was giving it back to Laura hot hot. The episode ended with Carolyn accusing Laura of being a runs girl who gets pimped out to Nigerian politicians for money.
Let’s get into the juicy part of the week’s episode
Stressed out by the tension stemming from the events of the last episode, Iyabo invites all the housewives to a meeting to squash the beef, but the exact opposite happens. Before we talk about the fights, let’s hold hands and gaze upon Toyin living her “Pennywise the dancing clown” fantasy.
Round 1: Iyabo Vs Laura
Iyabo starts the meeting by addressing everyone. Laura is in the corner looking smug because she thinks this meeting is for tackling Chioma and Carolyn’s late coming. She is shocked when Iyabo turns to her and is like:
Laura loudly asks to know why the girls are always on her ass about one thing or another, and Iyabo explains that it’s that Laura never verbally expresses when something is bothering her. She just channels all that energy into being a Debby Downer bringing down the vibe. The conversation perfectly segues into the next round.
Round 2: Toyin Vs Laura
Iyabo points out that Laura went into Super Saiyan Debber Downer mode at Mariam’s dinner and was rude to Toyin, even though Toyin was just trying to make sure Laura was ok. Toyin agrees and starts to talk about how Laura’s “You’re doing too much” comment made her feel when Laura takes the conversation in a different direction by accusing Toyin of being a terrible friend.
Toyin tries to explain that just because they’re friends doesn’t mean she has to support Laura’s bad behaviour, but Laura isn’t having it. They engage in a screaming match for like half a minute while Chioma and Iyabo loudly cackle in the corner.
When her gaslighting doesn’t work, Laura quickly apologises to Toyin, stating in her confessional that the only reason she apologised is so the other housewives won’t make fun of her for fighting with her only “real” friend.
Round 3: Carolyna Vs Laura
Laura tries to defend her anger that night by pointing out that Chioma and Carolyna must’ve planned to come for Mariam’s event later because they dressed in dinner clothes while the rest dressed for lunch. Carolyna, who has been quiet this whole time, comes alive and is like:
Laura ignores the comment and seemingly starts backtracking, claiming that the message she sent to the group chat — the one that started this whole thing — wasn’t directed at anybody in particular, which is insane because the message had Carolyna and Chioma’s names in it. Iyabo points this out, and Laura adds that she wasn’t even angry when she sent the message. Let’s read that message again.
The other housewives are like:
Carolyn accuses Laura of always wanting to start drama with her and Chioma because she wants more followers on social media. The reaction shot that follows this should be made into a painting.
Laura says this doesn’t make sense because she has more followers than Chioma and Carolyna combined. And she’s right.
They keep going back and forth while the others watch. Things get heated when Laura threatens to beat up Carolyna’s ass if she ever mentions her sister’s name (Linda). Carolyna is like:
And Laura goes to attack her, but the others hold her back. Carolyn keeps going by accusing Laura of being pimped to a Nigerian politician back in 2017. Laura denies it and jumps at Carolyna, but Mariam, like a rugby player, intercepts her, mistakenly losing her entire blouse and exposing her boobs in the process. (We don’t see it, but Toyin mentions it later.) Carolyn throws a cup of water into Laura’s face, Shangela style, which causes Laura to dash at Carolyna again but is held back by Chioma this time. Mariam is on the floor, clutching what’s left of her blouse to her chest. Some production crew members have to intervene, and it seems like things are calming down. Laura suddenly goes she-hulk on everyone and goes for Carolyna AGAIN. It takes the entire production crew to hold her down this time.
Round 4: Toyin Vs Laura (The Sequel)
Laura composes herself off-camera and announces that she’s leaving. Toyin walks with her to the elevator to make sure she’s ok, but she starts to cry, screaming about how Toyin didn’t stand up for her and claiming that if the roles were reversed, she would’ve done the needful. The episode ends with Laura declaring in her confessional that her friendship with Toyin is over.
Today, I will be reviewing the most insane mobile game ads I have ever seen.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
You know what?
I get it
The mobile game ecosystem is harsh. It’s hard to get noticed when thousands of developers worldwide are trying to make the next Among Us or Candy Crush. Even those games I just mentioned aren’t as popular as they used to be. They were hot for like a year or two and eventually went to join once-legendary games like Angry Birds and Subway Surfers in the mobile game afterlife in the recesses of our minds. The need to stand out is also why mobile game developers started lying about their games’ appearance in their ads.
The lies started small. And because I understood their plight, I was willing to overlook these cute little untruths. However, the lies have gotten out of hand. Mobile game developers have started lying about what the hell their games are about. They attack us on every website and social media with ads featuring the wildest plots this side of a Tyler Perry Productions and Wattpad crossover. So, today:
Because I can’t take it anymore.
Here are the most insane mobile game ads I’ve come across.
Let’s get into it
Merge Mansion.
In this video, a sad woman in a wedding dress gets down from a cab. Her dress is drenched, and her mascara is smudged, so it’s clear that this poor lady has been through it. When you think it can’t get worse, Sad Bride Lady (this is what I’m calling her now) turns around to see that her house has burned to the ground. Sad Bride Lady starts bawling her eyes out but is interrupted by a call from her grandma. Grandma gives Sad Bride Lady a house on the condition that Sad Bride Lady renovates the house herself. Sad Bride Lady gets to work and is having a blast serving Bob the Builder realness when Grandma suddenly gets arrested. As she’s being driven away in the police car, Grandma gives an evil smile and sticks her palm to the glass to show Sad Bride Lady a message: He’s still alive.
Who’s still alive?? Sad Bride Lady’s fiancé who left her at the altar? I assumed that he ran off with some other girl. But could Grandma be the reason he never showed up? None of these questions are answered when you play the game because it has no story whatsoever. The entire game play is just Sad Bride Lady cleaning an enormous house.
It’s like The Sims, but for people who like to clean.
If anyone knows the name of this game, please drop it in the comments because WTF??
In this hilariously horrifying clip, a red-haired, heavily pregnant woman is walking down the street when she spots her boyfriend crossing the street hand in hand with another heavily pregnant woman. Before red-haired, heavily pregnant woman can process the fact that her boyfriend has shared his seed with another woman, she gets hit square in the stomach by a football that comes out of nowhere. She falls to the ground crying as her water breaks and forms a pool around her.
Again, WTF?
Project Makeover
Two hot girls are working out at the gym. I’m describing it as working out, but all that’s happening is that one girl is releasing incredibly toxic farts (the fumes are green) into the other girl’s face. Before you have a chance to ask whatever the fuck is going on, the camera pans out to reveal that they’re being watched by an unkempt girl who seems to also has a fart fetish. She longs to join them but knows she can’t until she gets a makeover. So she showers and attempts to look presentable but doesn’t do a great job. She approaches the farting ladies but is told to fuck off with more vitriol than Benita Nzeribe used to tell Rita Dominic that she stinks with poverty in that one old Nollywood clip.
The moral of this story: Always be down for a makeover so you’ll never be turned away from an orgy for being too ugly.
Whispers
These screenshots tell the whole story. The guy in red flannel loves his wife but can’t resist the sheer hotness of his suit-clad boss. After thinking it through for a few seconds, and because body no be firewood, he gives in to the carnal pleasures of the flesh and lets his boss give him a hand job.
It’s a tale as old as time, really.
Tasty Makeovers
This one is just like the ad where a pregnant lady gets hit in the stomach by a football. A pregnant woman, who looks a lot like Britney Spears returns from the grocery store, complete with a baguette and celery sticking out of the brown paper bag, to find her husband doing some Kamasutra sex shit with another woman. The husband is spread out on the dining table while the mistress hangs from the ceiling with Christmas lights on some Cirque du Soleil shit and vacuums his tonsils with her tongue. Pregnant lady has two options: endure or leave, and she leaves and delivers her baby alone in a building with no roof in the middle of a snowstorm.
Let’s end this one that took meta to a whole other level.
Girl, I’m done.
The End
To the developers putting out these insane mobile game ads, maybe your games would do well if you put as much effort into the actual gameplay as you do the fraudulent ads.
Today, I will be reviewing the 1999 Nollywood horror- adventure movie, Igodo.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Let’s get into it
The movie starts with a woman giving birth. She’s dressed in potato sack couture and is clearly not having a good time.
As soon as the baby is out of her, her husband runs into the hut, snatches up the bloodied up baby, and runs out!
After brandishing the baby for the rest of the villagers to see…
…he spends all day running up a mountain to dedicate the baby to Amadioha, while the villagers bow and exalt.
The title card and opening credits roll, and when those are done, we’re at a funeral.
As I’m trying to find out if the person being buried is relevant to the plot, something strange happens. Someone else who is not present at this funeral dies, and the movie immediately cuts to that person’s death scene to reveal that the same women who were crying at the funeral at the start of the film are also here, in the same clothes.
I decide here that it’s either one of two things:
These women are professional mourners hired to cry at funerals and have a uniform.
They are regular people who return from the funeral of a loved one to discover yet another freshly dead loved one.
Sadly, the second option is the correct one. We find out that a shit ton of people have been dying around the village recently, and no one knows why or who’s next. The village king gathers his elders in his palace to figure out what the fuck is going on.
They’re no closer to solving the mystery after engaging in a circle jerk of proverbs. So they bring in the village Dibia to help them ask Amadioha what’s happening. Amadioha airs the Dibia’s message, so he suggests they bring in a man he thinks would know the origin of the curse wreaking havoc across the village. A man named Igodo.
This guy.
Igodo arrives and begins telling his story, which happened 50 years before the start of the film and is shown to us in an extended flashback. I’ll be narrating Igodo’s story in the present tense.
Igodo’s story begins
The child born and dedicated to Amadioha in the opening scene is named Ihekwumere and is destined to become the Igwe. A group of adults who are jealous of the child decide to kill him and his entire family. They succeed in killing his parents, but he escapes into the evil forest. After several days, a hunter finds Ihekwumere and takes him in as his son. Ihekwmere becomes a rich and handsome nigga who draws all the babes, but this doesn’t sit well with the seven agbaya elders in the town. They have him killed by burying him alive, and he curses the village with his dying breath.
An enormous magic tree grows at the place of his death and becomes the source of the village’s problems. The Dibia figures out what the tree is doing and assembles a team of seven men who are tasked with going through the evil forest to the hills of Amadioha to retrieve the only object capable of cutting down the magic tree: a magic knife. Here are the seven people chosen for this mission.
Now we know why Igodo has all the tea. Also, I get why the hunter, the wrestler, and the warrior are in this lineup, but why are the rest here? The movie never explains.
The Dibia gathers the men — without giving them a choice btw — and gives them a set of rules for when they’re confronted by literally anything in the evil forest.
The men — I’ll refer to as The Fellowship of the Knife — gear up and set off on their task. Their wives, accompanied by the other women in the village, march with them, crying because they believe their husbands are going on a suicide mission.
The fellowship of the knife have just taken a few steps into the evil forest when this happens:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s why….
The next few scenes are just of the fellowship running into different entities in the forest that try to kill them. While crossing a river, the thicc and juicy river idol tries to drown Izu (the farmer).
But Nwoke (the drummer) saves him. Up next, they come across:
Igodo informs everyone that the only way to avoid the wahala of Ejima is to keep going without looking back or talking. Okonta (the climber) gets spooked and lets out a high-pitched scream, causing Ejima to start firing CGI balls of light into his body. You know what? Just watch what happens.
Shoutout to Egbunna, the hunter for saving Okonta’s life.
They get to a small stream called the river of temptation. As they cross it, Izu hears his father’s voice calling out to him. He turns around, and this happens:
The evil forest is like:
During their first night in the forest, Egbunna (the hunter) hears something moving around their camp and blindly fires at it, thinking it’s a wild animal.
But he shoots Okonta (the climber) by mistake, instantly killing him. The evil forest:
A tribe of flesh-eating forest people attack the fellowship and manage to kill Nwoke (the drummer). The tribe is like:
The evil forest is like:
Meanwhile, people back home are still dying left and right so the people decide to take things into their own hands by attacking the evil magic tree with machetes and shit. As they strike the first blow, the tree starts to bleed.
To their horror, the people find out that the tree binds itself to every sitting king of the village. Any harm that comes to the tree also happens to the king.
They get to a river named the river of silence, a river that they’re supposed to remain silent while crossing. Ikenna (the wrestle) talks for some reason, falls into the river and is immediately eaten by crocodiles. The evil forest is like:
Only Igodo, Agwu (the warrior), and Egbunna (the hunter) are left. They’ve barely made it over the river of silence when they’re attacked by what I can only describe as a human-sized blue and yellow chicken.
After running for a while, they finally arrive at the cave containing the magical knife they seek. The lighting inside this cave is piss poor, and for most of this scene, I can’t see shit. Agwu tries to grab the knife from its resting place but is spiritually electrocuted. A creepy older man steps out of the darkness and introduces himself as the guardian of the knife. He informs the fellowship that one of them has to sacrifice himself to get the knife. After a brief argument, Egbunna volunteers to do it. He steps into a hole in the wall and lets out an agonising scream.
Then silence.
When the sacrifice is made, Igodo and Agwu grab the knife and run away as fast as their animal skin skirts will let them. They run out of water, and Agwu is about to pass out from thirst when his wife sashays out from behind a tree.
Agwu is too delirious to think straight, but Igodo sees this for what it is: the evil forest messing with their minds.
Agwu goes to hug his wife, and this happens:
Igodo returns to the village by himself with the magical knife.
The long ass flashback ends, and we return to the present day where old man Igodo is telling the story.
This part confuses me. Young Igodo returns with the knife, which makes me assume that he went straight to cut the evil magic tree. But in the present, old Igodo tells them to cut the tree if they want their problems to end. Why didn’t they cut the tree back then? Did the killings stop? Anyway, the movie ends with the villagers coming together to cut down the tree.
I will be recapping the 2022 Nigerian Netflix original series, Blood Sisters.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Listen
In total honesty, I went into Blood Sisters on Netflix thinking it would suck. Contrary to what some people believe, I’m not a hater. It’s just that Nollywood has done us dirty so many times that I’ve become disenchanted. I’ve trained myself not to expect good products to avoid having my hopes dashed. So when I started this limited series, I expected more of the same thing they’ve done for years.
Ladies and gentlemen, within a few minutes, I was hooked.
I’m blown away by how good Blood Sisters is. It actually has me on the edge of my seat.
The show had me in such a chokehold that I binged it all in one sitting. I laughed, cried, and gagged all through. I was screaming at my laptop like that one annoying person in the cinema who reacts to everything happening onscreen. Annoyance would’ve driven them to murder me if I were watching this with people. It would’ve been like that scene in Scary Movie where Regina Hall’s character is noisy during a screening of Shakespeare in Love, so the other cinema patrons — led by Gandhi and Mother Theresa — band together to stab her to death.
Don’t ask how this happened. Just enjoy it.
To be clear, I’m not saying that Blood Sisters is perfect. If you pay close attention, a few things are off here and there. But it gets so much right that I can’t bring myself to tackle it the way I do the other movies in this series. So we’re going to do something different today. When I watch a movie to recap for this series, I take notes (random thoughts and questions) about it as I go along. I’m going to put out the random thoughts I had about the first two episodes of Blood Sisters while watching it. If you have any musings about the show, add them in the comments.
Episode 1
The first scene is of two women hiding a body? It’sgiving How To Get Away With Murder tease, and I’m here for it.
Did Kola spend his entire business meeting working on the drawing of Sarah? That’s low-key rude. If I were one of the other people in that meeting, I’d be pissed.
Nancy Isime in a bob wig? “What’s your name B.O.B? So they calling you BOB?!”
Femi (Gabriel Afolayan) and Yinka’s (Kehinde Bankole) dynamic is giving discount “Andre and Anika Lyon from Empire” vibes.
A small part of me was terrified that this would be a remake of old Nollywood’s Blood Sisters, and I am so happy this it’s not that.
I’m happy that Daniel Etim Effiong is in this. I like seeing his face.
This assassin is awful at his job. He’s not even trying to blend in.
Uche Jumbo is playing Ini-Dima Okojie’s mother? Uche is only 11 years older than Ini-Dima. Why not just cast someone older?
Wow. Uduak (Kate Henshaw) just dey squeeze face like monkey wey lick lime. Who shit in her oatmeal?
Why does Uduak keep french-kissing her son, Kola? Why is no one else reacting to it?
Whew. These outfits are giving ELEGANZA EXTRAVAGANZA. Give the costume designer for this movie all the awards.
Kola left his business meeting, saying he didn’t want to be late for his wedding. This event is an engagement.
I am also living for these wigs. Throw in some awards, too, for whoever handled hair.
Ramsey Nouah is in this. Someone should ask him why he spells his last name that way. It’s so confusing, and I have to google every time.
Timeyin (Genoveva Umeh) just showed up, and I already stan her.
This assassin could’ve at least worn a native attire. Now Kola has spotted him.
Lmao. Kola is whooping this assassin’s ass.
Kola just let the assassin go?!
Uche Jumbo is acting the house down, but even this pussycat wig isn’t enough to properly age her.
Uduak is not even pretending to be excited by this engagement.
The shoulders of Uduak’s wedding attire are giving Voltron realness.
Kemi (Nancy Isime) chopped that head clean off. She’s hardcore. I want to hang out with her.
Where did Sarah and Kemi get housekeeping uniforms?
It’s funny that the security man who stops the girls as they’re moving Kola’s body says that the bride looks seems like a woman that emasculates men for fun but can’t even recognise her. Nawa.
Why was the photographer hanging out in the parking lot?
They decided to bury Kola in the middle of a construction site?! GIRL!
Episode 2
Not Uduak throwing Sarah out of the house! Skshsksndk
Uduak never passes up a chance to call people poor. I love it.
Why is Timeyin always dressed like…this?
Sarah hasn’t stopped sweating since the murder happened. I feel so bad for her.
Timeyin giving it to Femi hot hot and I love it.
The way I laughed when Uduak called Timeyin a useless addict who will always find her way to drugs has definitely earned me a one way ticket to hell.
I love that Kemi is finding the time to serve lewks in the middle of all this.
What is the point of this sex scene between Femi and Yinka?
What in the world is going on with Inspector Slo’s (Wale Ojo) accent?
Yinka trying to bribe Timeyin with a buffet of drugs is truly the most evil thing I have ever seen.
Uduak’s outfits are becoming more unhinged as the show goes on, and hunty, I am living.
The suit that Kemi wears to go ask Ibrahim (Eso Dike Okolocha) for a gun is so fucking fabulous.
While we’re kinda on his matter, why does Ibrahim sound like Jennifer Tilly?
You know what? I, too, would run over the photographer. He’s annoying as shit, and I don’t feel bad for him.
I don’t understand why Kenny is still doing gun body for Sarah. Something tells me he’ll get in trouble for not staying away.
Another Femi and Yinka sex scene?!
Now that Kola’s body has been found, how is Femi going to explain that he was lying when he said he’d been hearing from Kola?
I must be a horrible person because the scream of despair Uduak lets out after finding out about Kola’s death made me giggle.
The scene where Inspector Slo talks about working with the Chicago PD for twenty years is funny but it still doesn’t explain why his accent is inconsistent.
Everybody needs a friend like Kemi tbh. She’s so resourceful and street smart.
I need a friend like Kemi. I would not last two seconds in a scenario like this.
Uncle B (Ramsey Nouah) still hasn’t said a word.
This scene where Kemi and Sarah plan to run away together is so damn touching. Nancy Isime and Ini-Dima Okojie are acting the house down.
The car Uncle B drives is cool and all but the whole idea of tailing someone is to be inconspicuous. Not only is his car so unique, but it’s also now light blue. Sksnzkdndk!
The End
Blood Sisters isn’t perfect but it’s a damn fun ride and upgrade from most of the stuff Nollywood has served us recently. It’s on Netflix. Go check it out.
Today, I will be recapping the 2022 erotic thriller, 365 Days: This Day.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
This wildly imperfect cinema masterpiece is the sequel to the equally awful 2020 film, 365 Days. If you haven’t seen that, click here to read my recap of it before you start reading this. Or read this first and experience everything in reverse. Don’t let me tell you what to do.
Before we start, let’s all join hands and gaze upon this movie’s Rotten Tomato rating.
TRULY ICONIQUE!
Let’s get into it
Surprise! Even though it looked like she died at the end of the last movie in a Princess Diana style assassination attempt orchestrated by Massimo’s enemies, Laura is alive and well. How? The film doesn’t care about explaining, so I don’t care either. The movie starts with what looks like Massimo and Laura’s wedding. Massimo is wearing a black tuxedo, and Laura is in a wedding dress and the most unconvincing wig I’ve ever seen.
It’s all love and fun as we’re shown a close-up montage of the love birds kissing and hugging. Then out of nowhere, Massimo hoists up Laura’s wedding dress and they start furiously bumping genitals.
Now, I’m well aware of what goes on in this franchise so I expected more sex scenes than Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge. What I did not expect, though, was to see them having sex on their wedding day in front of their friends and family. So I’m sitting in front of my laptop, clutching my non-existent pearls like:
When a woman suddenly screams. I know it’s not Laura screaming in ecstacy because they haven’t even been fucking for long. The camera pans out to reveal that Massimo and Laura have been alone this entire time. It’s their wedding rehearsal dinner, and the scream we just heard is from Laura’s best friend and maid of honour, Olga, who’s just mistakenly walked in on them while innocently bringing Laura a variety of potential wedding night lingerie.
Massimo and Laura get married for real in the next scene, surrounded by their friends (?) and family (??), and it’s all super cute. When they get home that night, Massimo looks deep into Laura’s eyes and says:
But Laura is like:
She ties him to a chair and proceeds to masturbate in front of him.
As I’m wondering if Massimo had something more erotic planned and is probably disappointed by this, the camera cuts to a closeup of his face, and I stop wondering because he’s clearly having the time of his life.
When he can’t take it anymore, he breaks free from the chair, tackles Laura to the bed, and they both engage in a genital meet & greet.
And so begins their honeymoon, which mostly consists of them having sex every minute of every day. Here they are having sex the next morning:
Here they are about to have sex on a golf course:
Here they having sex in a jacuzzi:
And here they are having sex in the pool:
When the honeymoon ends, they return to the real world, and Laura soon realises that Massimo hasn’t changed. He’s overprotective and refuses to let her go anywhere or do anything without bodyguards. To avoid her nagging, Massimo sends her and Olga on a vacation. While they’re there, Laura says something about feeling bad for Massimo because he’s always working (i.e. doing mafia stuff) and all she does is eat his money. Olga is like:
You know what Laura decides to give him?
You guessed it. SEX.
Money, clothes, fast cars, and vacations aren’t enough to quell Laura’s desire for independence. She once again asks Massimo to:
And Massimo is like:
Because she almost died in a car bombing, he must make sure that she’s always safe. Laura gives up and lounges in her enormous garden when a hot ass gardener sashays into the movie’s plot. He introduces himself as Nacho — I die laughing because NACHO?! — and is sexy as hell. Seriously, his introduction montage has strong photoshoot-before-the-porn-scene energy. He flirts heavily with her…
…and she caves immediately because Nacho is a stunner.
Christmas comes along, and Massimo admits that he was wrong for being overprotective. He gives Laura a clothing line because he knows she likes fashion, and Laura is over the moon. She says she’ll give him something he’ll never forget as a thank you. If you’ve been paying attention, you already know what that is.
A few weeks later, Laura is at a party with Massimo when he suddenly disappears. She goes looking for him and catches him having a quickie with his ex-girlfriend, Anna.
Laura is distraught. She runs out of the party and comes across Nacho, asking that he get her out of there. After driving the whole night (the party is happening at night and it’s morning by the time they stop driving), Laura says she wants to leave Massimo and never come back. Nacho seizes the opportunity and is like:
You would think that after being kidnapped in the first movie, Laura would know not to go off with strange men. But she’s like:
While Massimo is sad that Laura has gone MIA, she’s busy living it up on a beach with Nacho.
As all this happening, I’m wondering how a gardener is able to afford a beach house. I mean, look at this:
It’s randomly revealed that the person we saw having sex with Anna at the party wasn’t Massimo, but MASSIMO’S TWIN BROTHER, ADRIANO! Adriano has been working with Massimo’s ex-girlfriend, Anna. They planned to get Laura on her own that night and kidnap her, but Nacho just happened to show up (?) Anyway, Adriano is doing all this because he’s jealous that their father left the family’s empire to Massimo and not him.
Shonda Rhimes was found dead on the set of “How To Get Away With Murder.”
Laura is starting to catch feelings for Nacho. As she’s having a sex dream about him one night, someone breaks into the house, but Nacho knocks the person out. When Laura asks how he can afford a beach house on a gardener’s salary, Nacho mumbles something about a wealthy father and distracts her with his hotness. He later reveals that he’s the son of a mafia family that’s the rival of Massimo’s. Laura is pissed.
Nacho reveals that he worked for Massimo as a gardener so he could kidnap her for his father. His father plans to use her as a bargaining chip to get Massimo to step down as the leader of his mafia family.
See ehn, I’m as confused as you are by all this.
Nacho’s father summons Massimo to tell him all this, and in the middle of the meeting, they all realise that Laura, who Nacho brought with him and handed to his father’s bodyguards, is somehow missing. Massimo and Nacho go looking and find Laura with Adriano and Anna. After spitting exposition everywhere, we get the funniest Mexican standoff in the history of film. Anna shoots Laura in the stomach.
So Nacho shoots Anna square in the boobs.
Adriano attempts to shoot Massimo but Massimo pumps bullets into Adriano’s shoulders.
Nacho briefly considers shooting Massimo in the face but decides against it and leaves. And so the movie ends, with a crane shot of Massimo crying with Laura in his arms.
Here’s the thing, though. I know Laura isn’t dead. How do I know this? Because the third movie in the franchise is coming in a few years. Yes, we’re getting another one!
Bone marrow transplants can help people with life-threatening blood diseases. However, a critical requirement for the success of this treatment is the availability of a Human Leukocyte Antigen (HLA) donor who matches a given patient. Because of this, a common practice around the world is the establishment of institutions called bone marrow registries. The registries exist as places where willing donors can get screened and, if found fit, are able to donate HLA to those who need it.
According to HealthCareTrends, over 150,000 children are born with Sickle Cell Disease (SCD in Nigeria each year, and about 40 million people suffer in total, making Nigeria the country with the largest number of SCD patients globally. Even with these high numbers, the country has only one bone marrow registry. It’s a non-profit located in Enugu that isn’t as effective as it should be due to a lack of funding and awareness. The registry has existed for eight years and contains less than 1000 people.
Sickle Cell Disease (SCD) is one of the blood diseases that a bone marrow transplant can treat. So we’ve interviewed two SCD patients who live in Nigeria about their experiences managing the disease, how it affects their lives, and why they think the bone marrow registry is essential.
Ngozi, 34
I’ve lived with it for 34 years, and you can’t predict what your next day will be. You could be very active one day and be totally down the next. It’s not anyone’s fault. Our parents didn’t know better because there wasn’t enough advocacy. But now that there is advocacy, I hope that the disease ends with our generation.
Growing up, and because I required many drugs and hospital visits, it seemed like I was the only one of my siblings spending my family’s money. There’s also the stigma that comes with growing up with SCD. People treat you differently when they find out you have it. As a child, people wouldn’t want to play with me or be my friend or even touch me because they were afraid I could drop dead at any moment. It also affected my schooling. In my university days, I wrote most of my exams in the hospital, which made many people assume that I was using it as an excuse to cheat.
Whenever I’m not at home or church, I’m at the hospital because of a crisis. In many Nigerian hospitals, nobody cares about SCD patients. Even the government isn’t making things better. We used to have an NHIS that set our treatments and drugs cost N15k. It’s now N45k. And even with that, you’re not assured of quality service. There are some SCD platforms where patients encourage and help each other with money.
I’ve always known that a bone marrow transplant can help SCD patients, but I also heard it has a 50/50 chance of working. I also heard that it doesn’t change the genotype but gives you a crisis-free life, which sounds like an excellent deal because the pains of a crisis are worse than labour pains.
Henry, 28
Living with SCD in Nigeria is tough because SCD costs a lot of money. Like me, those who work and earn enough set aside cash from our income for unforeseen health issues that will undoubtedly arise from time to time. But the warriors, as we call ourselves, who don’t earn enough money are often at the mercy of loved ones and family.
SCD affects a warrior’s life in different ways. When a warrior suffers a crisis, their family members and loved ones take them to the hospital and stay with them for the hospital visit, which might last up to a week. Even though it’s no one’s fault and no one can predict it, having their lives upended like this every few weeks can strain the relationship between a warrior and their family. SCD even affects employment. Going to the hospital often means more time out of work, and there is only so much time off one can take before a boss lets you go. Let’s not even talk about the effects on relationships.
Most Nigerian hospitals don’t have haematology doctors. And the downside of a warrior going to just any hospital is that the doctors available probably won’t be trained to handle SCD patients. But in the national hospital where I go, a haematology doctor is usually called to treat SCD patients. The only problem is that the wait time might be extended because of the many patients waiting.
I don’t know much about the bone marrow registry. I know there’s one in Benin, but I don’t know if people register for it. However, it would be highly encouraging for people to assist us warriors and donate stem cells to the registry. A high-performance liquid chromatography HPLC test determines eligibility to donate. More warriors would be willing to undergo surgery if the bone marrow registries have all they need in terms of donations.
One thing that both sickle cell warriors hope for is that more people learn about the bone marrow registry. With more awareness comes more funds (from the government or in form of contributions from the general public) and more stem cell donations from viable donors. If these things are in place, more warriors would be willing to undergo surgery. Click here to visit the Nigerian bone marrow website and learn more about the process.
Today, I will be recapping the 2022 Nollywood movie, The Man of God.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
Based on screen time, one of the people on this poster shouldn’t be here. By the end of this, you’ll be able to tell who.
The movie starts at an unspecific point in history, during a church service. Josiah Obalolu (Jude Chukwuma), a pastor, is preaching in front of his congregation, and it looks like everyone in the audience is feeling the holy spirit.
Well, not everyone, sha. The pastor’s son, Samuel, isn’t moved by all the things going on around him.
At some point, Samuel goes outside to play with his homies. When his father notices Samuel’s absence, he goes looking for him, finds him outside playing, and is pissed.
It’s made clear that the pastor is physically and verbally abusive towards Samuel and that these beatings are frequent. After one of such beatings, Samuel reveals to his mother that one day, he’s going to leave them and never return, also promising to leave religion behind. Years later, Samuel (Akah Nnani) has seemingly done this. He has gone off to university and is now the quintessential Nollywood bad boy, who does shady things like sell drugs for money. He also moonlights as discount Fela Kuti in his free time.
After his performance, Samuel meets his friend, Teju (Osas Ighodaro), who he’s known since childhood. She’s come to give him the handout for a lecture he missed, and it’s through her we find out that Samuel has a ton of carryovers because he dedicates all his time to his musical gigs. At some point in the conversation, Teju says, “You owe me 30 bucks for that printout,” and this makes my head jam. Because look at the printout she’s referring to:
That’s a lot of pages for N30. This immediately has me wondering when exactly this movie is taking place. A bulky handout like that could only be N30 in the 2000s, but nothing about what they (or the extras in the back) are wearing indicates that. I’m confused as shit, so I put out this message on Instagram and keep watching.
Actual photo of me watching the movie on the 18th of April 2022.
Samuel receives a letter from his mother begging him to come home but he ignores it. Teju is a church girl and has been trying to get Samuel to come to her fellowship for years. So they come to an agreement that if she attends one of his shows, he’ll go for her fellowship. She attends his next show with her friend from church, Joy (Atlanta Bridget Johnson), who Samuel is immediately smitten with.
But she’s like:
Before Samuel can say more, his girlfriend, backup singer, and fellow drug dealer, Rekya (Dorcas Shola Fapson), notices what’s going on and forces them to leave. Samuel becomes obsessed with Joy and tries to get Teju to give him her room number — not her phone number oh, room number — but this pisses Teju off for some reason, causing her to storm off. While driving one day, he sees Joy taking a stroll and is like:
Can my fellow Barbie Girl fans in the house make some FUCKING NOISE?!!
After driving around for a while and actually clicking, Samuel expresses that he has feelings for her but she doesn’t give an answer. When he notices how uncomfortable she is, he says they can start off as friends, and she agrees. They start hanging out more and he joins her fellowship, which makes her fall for him hard.
Inappropriate because he has a girlfriend he’s cheating on.
It’s revealed that Teju has harboured a secret crush on Samuel for years and is heartbroken by his and Joy’s union, so she vanishes from their lives and the plot of the movie.
Meanwhile, members of Joy’s fellowship don’t like that she’s hanging out and possibly bumping genitals with a bad boy. So they send one of their own, Pastor BJ (Prince Enwerem) to tell her that:
Pastor BJ also reveals that Samuel is the son of the now famous Prophet Josiah Obalolu, which, for some reason, upsets Joy so much that she breaks up with Samuel for not telling her about who he really is. Samuel is distraught. He follows her around campus like a lost dog for days and keeps leaving letters under her door until she caves and starts dating him again. They reunite in front of the school’s library.
Rekya informs Samuel that she has dropped out of school and bought a house in town with all the money from her recent drug deals. She also drops this bombshell:
Let’s pause for a second.
Rekya mentions earlier in the movie that the drug deal she’s embarking on will make her at least N1 million. This brings me back to the question of what time period this movie takes place. Tell me how she was able to buy a house with N1 million. In what economy???
My Instagram story from the 18th of April 2022.
Here’s the TV I’m talking about:
Again I ask, WHERE IN TIME IS THIS MOVIE HAPPENING?!
Rekya japas and disappears from the movie’s plot. A few weeks later, Samuel starts to sense a disconnect between him and Joy. He talks to her about it but she says it’s because she’s been studying for their final exams, something he isn’t doing because he knows he’s going to have an extra year. She assures him that nothing will ever come between them. But at Joy’s graduation party, Pastor BJ introduces her to a fine ass guest pastor named Zach (Mawuli Gavor) and Samuel can tell that something is off.
And he’s right. Immediately after Joy graduates, Samuel stops hearing from her. After four months of trying to find out what happened, Pastor BJ informs Samuel that Joy is now married to — wait for it — PASTOR ZACH. Samuel understandably loses his shit and falls into a deep depression. With both Rekya and Joy gone from the movie, Teju sashays back into the plot and nurses Samuel back to health.
An unspecified number of years later, Samuel and Teju are married and workers at a church headed by Pastor and Mrs Asuquo (Patrick Doyle and Eucharia Anunobi). Samuel hates working at the church because Pastor Mrs is always on his neck about one thing or the other. Pastor Mrs calls for a worker’s meeting after church one day and says that she’s heard rumours of him sleeping with random young girls in the church. Samuel denies it but Teju doesn’t believe him and is like:
Samuel says that if she, his wife, can’t trust him, then their marriage is a mistake. Teju, who doesn’t want to lose the man she’s always wanted, breaks down and begs for forgiveness. She later finds out that Samuel did get a girl in the church pregnant when the girl sends the abortion receipts (?) to their house (and later dies). Teju says and does nothing.
Rekya returns to the movie. She’s rich as fuck now because she’s upped her game from smuggling drugs to something else she refuses to talk about. She encourages Samuel to start a church because church business is big business, and he takes her advice, lying to Teju that God ordered him to start a church.
In no time, they too become rich AF Daddy and Mummy GO. Their church grows so big that ZACH and JOY attend one day, not knowing that Samuel is the pastor. Samuel takes this opportunity to be petty as hell.
Samuel also tries to convince Joy to get back with him.
Samuel’s younger brother, a character who has never been mentioned or shown until now, shows up at Samuel’s house one day to read him for filth because their mother has died of a broken heart.
The insult from his brother makes Samuel decide that he wants to escape to Canada to start a new life. He invests in Rekya’s mystery business so he can cash out and japa, leaving Teju behind. Teju finds out and confronts him which leads to him saying something along the lines of:
Teju is fucking livid.
And she proceeds to do just that.
Samuel gets a phone from the police saying that Rekya is dead (they don’t specify how) and that the mystery business she was involved in is organ trafficking, with his name coming up as one of her contacts. He denies that he’s spoken to her recently, but Teju glams up just to go expose him to the police. He gets arrested, and after an unspecified number of years, returns from prison to his father’s church wearing the most unconvincing head and beard wig combo I’ve ever seen.
My Instagram story from the 18th of April 2022, when I was done watching the movie.
If you expected this to be a story about a guy going out into the world and working through the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father as a child but got served a weird prodigal’s son tale instead, join the club. We’ve got biscuits and tea in the back.
I have questions
Are we not just going to address his father’s abuse?
Why is Mawuli Gavor on the movie’s poster? He’s literally in only three scenes and each one is like 10 seconds long.
What time period is the movie set in?
What happened to Teju? She knew about Samuel’s shady dealings and did nothing, which kinda makes her an accomplice.
How did Rekya die?
Did Joy meet and marry Zach in the space of 4 months?
Why did Joy do Samuel dirty like that?
What time period is the movie set in?
Where was Samuel’s younger brother the entire time?
At some point in the movie, Samuel’s mother says she’s going to Lagos to look for him. Did she ever go?
What was the point of having the girl Samuel impregnated die after the botched abortion?
What was the point of having the impregnated girl’s sister go to the police?
What time period is the movie set in?
Why didn’t Rekya care that Samuel was publicly cheating on her with Joy?
How long was Samuel in prison that his brother and father still looked the same when he got out?
