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  • Dearly Beloved,

    We are gathered here to witness the launching of two new amazing flagships from the good people of Zikoko.

    In true Zikoko fashion, both of these flagships take a look at what it means to be young, alive and exist with other human beings. But the gag is that they explore two sides of the same weird coin called relationships.

    What are their names, you ask?

    Sunken Ships

    Ships are meant to float. Whether it’s a vessel importing cars nobody can really afford, or the 8-month situationship you’re surprised you’re still a part of. But what happens when these ships sink? What happens when you don’t speak to your mother or your best friend anymore? Do we ever really talk about the hurt, blame and all the many shady things that happen when your ship sinks? Yes. Zikoko does.

    From tomorrow, Friday the 13th of May 2022 and every Friday after, Itohan will be speaking to real people about the real problems that caused their relationships to hit the rocks. Follow her as she tries to find out where things went wrong and who did what to who? 

    We celebrate love when we find it, it’s only right we ask questions when we lose it.

    Astor & Hassan Vs. The World

    Speaking of ships, these two are the most chaotic pair I have ever had the pleasure of working with. 

    Astor is a senior editor here at Zikoko and the writer of the hilarious So You Don’t Have To series. Hassan was also a senior editor here at Zikoko and together they decided it would be a good idea to take their friendship and occasional insanity to different places. And of course, we said yes.

    Astor & Hassan Vs. The World is an original series from Zikoko and will be coming to you every Friday. 

    If anyone has any reason why these two flagships should not be launched, please keep it in your pocket, there’s no stopping them now.

    And for those of you ready for the ride, strap in because Fridays will never be the same.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    Last week, we did a recap of the Sex Life stories you read the most in 2021. Here’s a list of five stories that you probably missed but you really should read.

    5. Get the lube…

    The subject of this Sex Life story had some great advice to give to women (and men) regarding lube: it’s only going to make things better, so use it. She’s also hoping to leave the streets and all the problems they bring. Read her story below.

    Sex Life: “Lube Is Your Comrade In Arms”

    4. What do you do when it gets too hard

    Our subject for this week is a sickle-cell warrior. I learnt about priapism from speaking with him. It’s a condition he has that will sometimes cause him to have lingering erections. He talks to us about how he deals with this and how it affects his sex life.

    Sex Life: “I Do Push-ups To Get Rid Of Erections”

    3. So when you say “cheating”

    For the subject of this Sex Life, it was important that her first time having penetrative sex was someone she did not particularly fancy. Why? You should read on that and a lot more.

    Sex Life: “I Didn’t Think It Was Cheating If It Was With A Woman”

    2. Listen up!

    My people, it is necessary that you listen to your partners. Find out what they like, tell them what you like. Communicate. The subject of this Sex Life learned this lesson over a number of years and also lets us into his experiences at sex parties.

    Sex Life: “I Wasn’t Having Good Sex Until I Started Listening To My Partners”

    1. The sex life of an asexual woman

    The asexual spectrum is one that doesn’t find a lot of representation in Nigerian media and this story was a move to start the very necessary conversation of exploring all shades of sex lives.

    Sex Life: “I’ve Only Found 5 People Sexually Attractive In My Life”

  • Sex — or talking about sex — is generally regarded as taboo in Nigerian society. But it’s important that we talk about sex. From how we discover our sexualities to how we satisfy our sexual curiosities. We learn so much when we talk about these things openly and honestly.

    To help these conversations happen, we’ve been anonymously telling the stories of Nigerians and how they navigate sex through our Sex Life flagship.

    So as we say goodby to the year 2021 and it is only right that we take a look back at the 10 Sex Life stories you loved the most.

    10. What if sex came with a report card?

    In this edition, we spoke to a 29-year-old woman who spoke to us about how she grades her male sexual partners. You should really read this story — if for nothing else, just so you can see the grading system. One partner scored an E8 (this is bad) in Basic Human Decency. Yikes.

    Sex Life: I Grade The Men I Sleep With

    9. To Nut or Not To Nut?

    Doesn’t matter to the subject of this edition.

    After a series of horrible sexual experiences, this 20-year-old woman finally starts to have pleasant sexual experiences. She even describes foreplay with one of her partners as “stupendously excellent”.

    Having an orgasm is great but for this subject, it’s all about the journey. So maybe you get there, maybe you don’t but make sure it’s a fun ride.

    Sex Life: The Sex Is Good Even Without Orgasms

    8. “Ruthless sex. The kind devoid of emotion”

    Those were the words this edition’s subject described the sex she enjoys. The 21-year-old woman tells us of her sex life and all the ways BDSM made it better. From blindfolding to gagging, she finds out how all of these ‘ruthless’ and very importantly, consensual methods thrill her.

    “But how?” You may ask. The story reveals plenty.

    Sex Life: I Hated Sex Till I Discovered BDSM

    7. Yes you hear them. But are you listening?

    The subject of this edition was not. Not for a while.

    The 33-year-old heterosexual man tells us about his journey to having good sex. He tells us about his first sex party and the one time he had sex with a man, just to see if it was something he’d be into.

    He says his sex life with his 8 partners has been great because he’s learnt to listen to the women in his life to make sure they’re getting the most pleasure.

    Sex Life: “I Wasn’t Having Good Sex Until I Started Listening To My Partners”

    6. Playing catch-up with sex

    This edition’s subject is a 36-year-old man who has slept with almost 200 women. Why? Well, he had what he considered a late sexual awakening and so as a young man he felt the need to catch up. To have all of the sex.

    From his perspective that came with a lot of stress. The sheer energy it must demand to be with multiple people.

    But how did he get here? Read and find out.

    Sex Life: I’ve Slept With Almost 200 Women But I Wish I Hadn’t

    5. When you’re both fine with “ruining” the friendship with sex

    Can we all agree there’d be less pressure if friends who found each other attractive just had sex with each other? No? Okay.

    This 25-year-old woman gets it though. It makes sense to have sex with someone you already consider to be a safe place. She also tells us about discovering her attraction to women and can you guess who was involved? Rihanna, of course.

    Sex Life: “It Just Made Sense To Sleep With My Friends”

    4. Practice makes perfect

    You may think you’re not killing it at sex now but what you may need is a number of people to safely explore things with. That’s what happened with this edition’s subject.

    The 25-year-old woman is currently having great sex after taking the time to sharpen her skills with 4 different men on her roster.

    Sex Life: I Sharpened My Skills With Four Partners On My Roster

    3. How do you tell this story?

    This story was met with a lot of shock and people were rightly appalled by some of the things they read. We had to include an editor’s note and several trigger warnings because we wanted to protect any members of our audience who may be triggered by stories of sexual abuse and assault.

    But the story is up because it is a real sex life story of a 19-year-old Nigerian whose experiences are as valid as the next person’s. There is a lot that can be done about the way sex is taught to our children. Beyond informing them so they are aware, it is also important so that they know they have a voice to speak up when they feel things go wrong.

    Sex Life: I Was A Dominant At 13

    2. You did what? Where?

    This story starts at Redeem camp. And that’s really all I need to say for you to understand what you’re getting into.

    The 26-year-old subject of this story tells us about the many places he’s had sex.

    Sex Life: My Sex Addiction Made Me Have Sex In Strange Places

    1. She eats danger for breakfast

    This was the most read Sex Life story this year and I must tell you, it deserves this spot. The 20-year-old woman in this story is not kidding when she says she likes danger.

    From the first time she got slapped in the middle of sex to an actual kink for sleeping with encumbered individuals, this story thrills and thrills.

    Sex Life: “I like to sleep with people in relationships”

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old heterosexual woman. She talks to us about wanting the perfect first kiss, letting go of purity culture and how she regrets not squirting the first time she felt the urge to.

    TW: Sexual assault

    What was your first sexual experience? 

    I masturbated for the first time in 2020.

    Before this, I’d never really paid attention to my sexual urges. I come from a very religious home. For context, I have an uncle that’s a priest and an aunt that’s a reverend sister. That’s how religious we are.

    My parents were liberal on certain things but sex was the one thing we were told not to try. You had to keep yourself clean and pure until your wedding night. For the most part, I stuck to this. While my secondary school friends snuck off to the labs to make out, I stayed out of it. 

    Sometime in 2020, I started following more people on Twitter who, like me, had abandoned a lot of this thinking around purity culture, sex and sexuality. I told myself it was time I tried some of the things I saw them recommend in their tweets. So I started with touching myself.

    And how was that? 

    It felt really weird. It took time for me to get used to touching myself. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it but it took some getting used to. It felt good to finally try out something sexual but I didn’t try anything sexual with anyone just yet.

    Why? 

    I wanted my first kiss to be perfect. Under the night sky or in a cinema. Something outrageously romantic, like in the movies.

    I loved reading books and watching movies growing up and I really wanted what I saw on the screen so a part of me decided to wait till I had that. So even after I ditched a lot of the religious reasons behind my avoiding sexual things, I still wanted the perfect time with the perfect person.

    Unfortunately, that never happened.

    What happened? 

    My first kiss happened this year on the same night I had penetrative sex for the first time. It was sometime in March 2021 and I had returned to my city after travelling. It was late so I had to spend a night at my friend’s house. I knew he liked me and was attracted to me but I really wasn’t attracted to him at all. I just saw him as a friend and he was older by like 16 years.

    I’m so sorry about that.

    He didn’t force me or anything but I just felt like I couldn’t say no to him. And what made it even worse for my first time was that he wasn’t gentle at all. 

    After it happened I just remember feeling very guilty and impure. It was such a terrible feeling. It tainted sex for me because on the one hand I just kept regretting having sex with him and on the other, I wondered “Is this sex? Is this what everyone makes noise about?”

    I’m glad I got a chance to try sex again with a friend who lived in the same city as me. We hung out a lot and I started to like him. One day he texted and told me he was coming to mine and I told him to bring condoms.

    And how was it for you? 

    Sex this time was really really good. I enjoyed it so much. He was so gentle with me. He took everything slowly and kept asking me questions. He took his time and made sure he was pleasuring me and that I was enjoying myself.

    But I really regret not squirting that first time.

    Ah. Why didn’t you? 

    While we were going at it, I started to feel like I was going to squirt — or pee, the same thing really. I told him I had to go pee and he told me to do it there. In my head I was confused. Why did this man want me to pee on my own bed? I rushed to the bathroom and I peed.

    I really wish I hadn’t peed because since then I don’t think I’ve experienced anything close to that feeling and I would like to experience it again.

    It seems this fellow sabi the work 

    Yes! It really felt like pleasuring me was his life’s goal. There was always ample foreplay, He would finger me till my legs quaked and eat me out till I couldn’t feel my legs.

    Wow. God when?

    Lol. I loved teasing him. I was new to sex but I was in my bag when it came to blow jobs. And it’s even funnier because I’d actually searched “How to give blowjobs” on YouTube. Didn’t really get a lot of good answers so clearly, this babe is a natural.

    He always indulged me as well. I have this fantasy of having sex in an office and he made it happen for me. He invited me over around 6 p.m. when most people had left.

    I’m noticing a lot of past tense. You guys not seeing each other anymore? 

    No, we’re not. I had to move from that city and so that had to end. But I’m really glad we got to explore so many things. I was comfortable enough to laugh with him in bed about anything from farts to queefs.

    So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    4/10. I’m celibate right now. There’s so much that I want to do but I don’t think I want to date in the city I’m in right now. I should be moving to another city in the new year and maybe then I’ll meet new people.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who’s a sickle cell warrior. He tells us how exercise helps him deal with priapism, his journey with masturbation, and how romance novels kickstarted his sexual journey.

    What was your first sexual experience? 

    I was in Primary 6 when I first masturbated. The details are foggy but I remember that it all started with erotic scenes in books.

    I was a very shy child who really enjoyed reading. My mother bought me as many books as she could find. She is a very religious woman, so I don’t imagine she knew what she was buying when she got me all those James Hadley Chase and Harlequin books.

    I had a very active mind and could picture everything I read in detail. When I read these scenes, I would get an erection. So I read more books.

    One thing the books did was that they made me exclusively attracted to older women. I barely talked to girls my age. The women in the books were grown and curvy, and because there were always visiting aunties who fit this description, I started to fantasize about one of them.

    I thought of her as I moved my waist on the bed. This continued till I came, and it was an interesting thing finding out my body could do that.

    Oh wow. When did you start doing sexual things with other people?

    Not until a lot later, around 2012. I was in my second year in university and I had a girlfriend. We started dating in 2011 and agreed that we wouldn’t have sex or do anything at all actually. She was the first person I’d ever kissed.

    A year into our relationship, we decided that we would make out and try fingering and oral sex. In all this, we still never had sex.

    Why did you decide not to have sex?

    Sex had always been off the table for me. I read books with erotic scenes, watched porn, touched myself but the actual sex was where I drew the line.

    I grew up very religious and so the topic of sex was a non-starter. So in a weird twist, masturbation became this thing I’d found that I could do to prevent myself from “sinning” like the rest of my secondary school mates were doing. 

    They would tell me of the things they were doing with girls they liked, and I wouldn’t be moved because whatever pleasure they were getting, I could very easily sort myself out. 

    What else has been a significant part of your sex life so far?

    I live with sickle cell and as a man, this can come with a condition called priapism. Nobody had ever told me about it but I found out by myself when I was 20.

    I was back home from university. It was the early hours of the morning and I had just finished watching Spartacus and masturbating. After a while, I noticed my erection hadn’t gone down at all. I couldn’t call for help because what would I tell my mum?

    I panicked at first but then I tried cold water and it helped it calm down. I did some more googling and I found something that matched my symptoms. I read that adrenaline was something to take to fix it. Since I couldn’t buy adrenaline, I decided to substitute that with exercise.

    At this point, I was still dating my girlfriend in university. When we made out and I felt like it was happening I excused myself and went out to do push-ups for about 15 to 20 minutes. This always helped. 

    I always make sure to inform any sexual partners that I am a sickle cell warrior and that if we plan to be sexual in any way that this is a condition I have.

    These days when it happens with my current partner, I just do the push-ups right there in front of her.

    So how did sex finally happen for you?

    Ah yes. That was in 2018. I had a friend who I would make out with from time to time. Ours was a “friend with benefits” setup.

    She came into town to see me. I will start by telling you that the sex was not good. I wasn’t ready. Not just in a naive, not-knowing-anything way. That was a factor, but I genuinely wasn’t planning on having sex with her that day.

    Before then, all we did was make out and give each other head. That was the plan when she came visiting this time and she was visiting from another state. When she arrived she basically told me, “I didn’t come all this way to just make out. We’re going to fuck.”

    If we’d had a conversation about it prior to her getting there, I may have at least gotten my mind ready. At that moment though, I felt like I couldn’t say no. Then I believed that sex was not a thing I could turn down so as not to “fall my own hand.”

    We had sex and after I came, she said she wanted to go again. I was so out of it that I couldn’t penetrate her again. She had to masturbate to get herself off.

    I left the house for her after that night. What if she wanted sex that I didn’t want to give again? I spent a chunk of the time she was around in my neighbour’s house. 

    I’m so sorry about that. Did this affect how you perceived sex?

    It did. I was convinced that this first bad experience happened because I wasn’t prepared and I felt like I had to prove that it could be good if I tried again. So I called up another friend with benefits and she came over and the same thing happened. I could penetrate but my mind was still not in it. Even after planning and preparing myself for it.

    It wasn’t until later that it hit me that I may have just not wanted to have sex with these women. I was fine with making out and oral sex but nothing more.

    It’s just important to me that the partner I have sex with is someone I can be very vulnerable with and tell things to. With my current girlfriend, I’m ready to have sex but she’s not and that’s fine. 

    So have you had sex that you enjoyed?

    If you’re talking penetrative sex, I would say no. That last experience was the last time I had sex. But with other sexual activities, I can say that I’ve always enjoyed the thrill of discovering things about my partner’s body and mine.

    That’s great. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    8/10. I’ve had penetrative sex only twice and I’m not having sex right now, but I’m totally fine with it. I am making out and having oral sex with my girlfriend and as I ask my partner questions, I learn more ways to pleasure her.

    Also, I can go days now without any sexual activity. Not even masturbating. When I feel horny, I usually just dive into work until I have time to attend to the feeling. So I’d say I’m not doing too badly.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heteroromantic asexual woman who talks about living with vaginismus, being sexually attracted to people for short periods of time and the struggles of being asexual and sexually active.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I remember two experiences, but I don’t know which came first. 

    One time was with a neighbour’s daughter. After watching Nollywood movies and seeing people humping, I got very curious and wanted to recreate what I’d seen on television. I was in primary school.

    The other time was when a boy in my neighbourhood and I were playing a game called “Mummy and Daddy”. It was this game where we imitated grownups. Sometimes we pretended to be a married couple, other times we pretended we were young people on a university campus. On one particular day, we acted out a kiss. It was the first time I kissed a boy but I didn’t really feel anything. It was just me acting out what I supposed adults enjoyed doing..

    When next did you have any sexual activity?

    The next time I kissed someone, I was 17. I remember asking this guy I liked how we were supposed to kiss, and he didn’t know either. My eyes were open for the duration of the kiss. In the middle of it, he opened his eyes and met mine shining. It was so awkward. I remember him actually screeching.

    LMFAO. And sex?

    I tried sex for the first time when I turned 20, but it didn’t quite go as planned.

    What happened?

    I was seeing a guy, and we decided we were going to have sex. When I got to his place, he pulled out some lube, put it on his finger and stuck it in my vagina. Nothing felt out of place until the lube started to burn. Like there was pepper inside my vagina. I asked him if it was normal. He said it wasn’t. Turned out that the lube had been expired for four months!

    I beg your pardon?

    I rinsed it off and it took another hour before we tried again. Then we met another problem — his penis couldn’t go in. Imagine trying to put your finger through the eye of a needle; that’s how it felt.

    A few months later, I found out — after googling my symptoms, of course — the condition I had was vaginismus.

    We tried and tried that day but ended up not having sex. Things with this guy ended soon after this. I remember thinking there was something wrong or I wasn’t aroused enough. Finding out about vaginismus really helped with getting past these thoughts.

    I’m so sorry about that. So how were you able to have sex for the first time?

    Practice and planning, my friend.

    After doing some research and finding out that dilation was a way to fix vaginismus, I started to try it. First with one finger, then I added more fingers. I also tried breathing techniques to help me calm down. Soon I could insert small anal dildos of varying sizes with little resistance.

    When I felt like I was ready, I planned to have sex with this guy I’d been seeing for a few months but had never had sex with. All we used to do was make out and sometimes I would perform.

    Perform?

    Oh yes, I enjoy strip teasing and doing sensual dances and being watched. Like burlesque dancers. I get so much pleasure from knowing that I’m the cause of my partner’s arousal. I love lingerie, so I usually wear them and just perform for my partners in person or over video calls. 

    If I had to equate the pleasure I feel from that I might just equate it to an orgasm.

    Interesting! So how was your first time?

    It was painful. Though I had been dilating myself with my fingers, a penis was a whole other ball game. Once we started, I felt a lot of pain but thankfully even before we started I’d been laughing so it helped me forget the pain.

    Laughing? Was the guy cracking jokes?

    Lol no. He had a football injury the day before we saw, so he had a cast around his leg and couldn’t walk well. When I came in, he was so horny and rushing and it was hilarious to watch. I figured if he had an injury he would at least take his time and ease into it. But I guess the wait made him too eager.

    It sha made me laugh, and I’m thankful for it because I don’t know how else I’d have gotten through that pain.

    When would you say sex stopped being painful?

    I think it was after the second time. My hymen tore, and it made things easier. The more I had sex, the less painful it became.

    So are you having sex more these days?

    Not really. I feel sexual attraction, but it’s usually few and far between. It doesn’t help that I also don’t just find random people sexually attractive; I have to have some emotional connection with them. But in my case, an emotional connection isn’t even a total guarantee. I once had this guy who I was seeing and really liked but in the two years that we were together, I think I found him sexually attractive on two occasions.

    There are times when I wish I didn’t experience sexual attraction at all, so I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on something. So these days I inform potential partners that there’s a chance I won’t find them sexually attractive, and all I’ll want to do is kiss and cuddle but not have sex.

    What if they are sexually active?

    I’m fine with a sexually open relationship. My sex drive, even when I’m sexually attracted to a person, is not very high and there are these expectations with sex in a relationship that I don’t think I can keep up with anyway.

    I mean I can have sex with them but just as an activity. I’d be faking everything the entire time.

    The way I explain my experience with being ace is with hunger and appetite. Hunger is what you would call sex drive or arousal. Everyone can feel hungry (aroused). If you touch your clit, your body will respond; it doesn’t mean that you are attracted to anyone or trying to have sex with someone. For that, you will need appetite (sexual attraction).

    In my entire life, I’d say I’ve been attracted to five people. The first lasted for about eight months; the second was for two days; the third was for two weeks; the fourth was for two years and the fifth was for two months. I find that I just don’t have the appetite as much as other people.

    So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 6/10. It’s definitely above average because I was having good sex for two years with one of the five people I mentioned being attracted to earlier. But that ended. Now I know more about the things that work for me in sex but haven’t had a chance to explore because I don’t find anyone sexually attractive right now.

    Also, I’d like to state for the record that vaginismus sucks. I haven’t had sex in about two months and when I tried to masturbate recently, it was so painful.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about having sex for the first time at 25, discovering the wonders of lube, and her current struggle to leave the treacherous streets.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    The very first time anything remotely sexual happened with me, I was six and it was with my brother who was about four at the time. We dry-humped, and I vividly remember us kneeling to pray after. Being from a very religious home, we weren’t fans of going to hellfire for doing nonsense.

    The next memory I have would be with a family friend’s daughter. I was 12 and her mother was friends with my father. One time when we visited them, she initiated a kiss, and it just continued like that. I used to be so excited to visit them because I knew we were going to make out. 

    How did your religious upbringing play out in this situation?

    I’m actually not sure. I just knew I was enjoying whatever we had going on. 

    Would you say that you are now also attracted to women?

    That’s something I’m actually confused by. Because I enjoyed making out with that girl but right now I’m as straight as they come. Except for that one time in 2017.

    Ah, what happened?

    So I had this female friend and colleague I liked, and we would hang out and talk a lot. She was into women and would tell me about her sexcapades from time to time. These stories piqued my curiosity, and I found myself very attracted to her.

    Tell me you shot your shot

    Lol. For where? No o. I diligently prayed and fasted until I was over it. For context, I was extremely religious at this time and was going through so much guilt for even thinking about sex. Being with a woman just felt like an even bigger sin to be dabbling in at the time.

    I was 23 and had never had sex when this happened. If I had done the deed, I just may have considered shooting my shot.

    What made you wait that long though?

    Religion. That was mostly it. Keeping my “virginity” till my wedding night was something that was expected of me anyway. Also, my sister had waited till her wedding night, and I wanted to do it too.

    So all through secondary school and university, no sexual activity?

    In secondary school? Zilch. I was all about my books and had body image issues from getting bullied for my looks, so there was no sexual anything going on there.

    University was different. I was still quite religious by the way. I would think about sex from time to time but, ultimately, I was waiting for my wedding night. But you see making out? I was a make-out champion. I made out with a shit load of people. I did everything — kissing, blowjobs, handjobs — just never penetrative sex.

    So how did sex finally happen?

    March 2019. I think religion finally lost its hold, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to wait till marriage because I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married. Besides, I just wanted to fuck.

    There was this guy I’d really liked in uni. I always said my first time would be with him or with my husband. As there were no plans for any husband at this time, it was definitely going to be him. I called and told him I was finally ready. We’d been making out for almost six years since uni so we were already quite familiar.

    He was actively having sex, so he knew a lot more than me but he eased me into it.

    And how was the sex?

    My first two times, there was so much pain. It was new for me and I think a lot of the pain came from not being as lubricated. I didn’t suggest lube because I’d always heard that if you didn’t get wet on cue then something was wrong. So I literally braved through the pain the first time. I could barely enjoy it.

    I’m a very anxious person and I think my anxiety was part of the reason for not getting wet through it all. 

    By my third time with this same person, he suggested using lube and the sex definitely got better.

    Lube to the rescue

    Yes o. Thankfully my first two partners didn’t make me feel any kind of way about not being wet enough. They were very comfortable with using lube.

    It was a little later in my sexual journey that I ran into men who took it as an affront if you were not extremely wet. They saw it as you not being as attracted to them or something of the sort.

    Please, my dear sweet babes, lube is your comrade in arms. Any man that makes you feel some type of way for wanting to use lube for assistance is your enemy and you should dump him.

    A word for the wise. So when did you start enjoying sex?

    Once there was lube involved and I had gotten a hang of sex with partners I liked, orgasms from penetrative sex became a regular thing. 

    I started to have constant sex with the first guy I slept with. He became my official fuck buddy. Then I would also meet people from time to time and have sex with them as well.

    And of course, in the absence of my partners, there was always masturbation, my old friend.

    Tell us about that.

    It’s really always been off and on. Usually, I’d masturbate when I watched something sexual, or when I was bored or just horny. It also didn’t help that masturbation was seen in religion as this thing that made you dirty and filthy. But thanks to the lockdown, masturbation peaked for me in 2020. I had all that time to myself, and I took that time, dear. I took it well.

    You do you, ma’am. Do you ever consider revisiting an encounter with a woman?

    I typically never say never. There was a time when I abhorred giving head, and now it’s one of my favourite things to do. I’m at a place where I’m pretty certain I’m not sexually attracted to women but I might meet someone, so we’ll see. One of my partners proposed a threesome once and I turned it down, but it’s something I could be open to at a later time. We’ll see.

    What’s changed with sex for you these days?

    Honestly, streets have shown me pepper and now I really want to have a lot of sex but with one person within the confines of a committed relationship.

    There are certain ways men move mad when they’re in casual relationships or situationships. There’s just a lack of accountability. I was with this one guy and at some point, I guess things changed for him, but instead of having a conversation about that and letting me know he was done, he just ghosted. If you raise these points, the response you get is, “At least we’re not in a relationship.” I’m trying to shield myself from that.

    I also want security. To be able to say this is my person and this is what we’re doing. Of course, it doesn’t guarantee too much, but at least it’s better than being totally unsure of what this person can wake up tomorrow and do.

    So how would you rate your sex now over 10?

    I’d say 6/10. I’m having great sex and orgasms all the time, but I’m not having it as frequently. I recently fell out with my fuck buddy and we used to fuck like every week. Now it’s been like two weeks and, nothing.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about how she decided not to wait till her wedding night to have sex, her desire to dominate a man, and all things she enjoys that she blames porn for.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I wouldn’t say that this was a sexual experience but it’s a good place to start this story. It was the first day I saw porn. I spent that day in a police station.

    I’m sorry, what?

    I was about 13 at the time and my brother had just gotten a laptop and he had found hentai – anime porn – online and showed it to me. I’d seen random clips here and there before but this was the first time I was getting to see an actual video.

    My father caught us watching this and he absolutely lost it. He made us pack our boxes and took us to the police station close to our house. I remember feeling so bad and having so much shame. We ended up coming back home around 11 pm that day but it was such a weird experience.

    So did this keep you off porn?

    Till my late teens. When I was getting into uni I was finally looking for porn by myself. Searching categories and all that. It’s what helped a bit when I decided I wanted to have sex for the first time.

    Oh yes, so how did that go?

    I was 17 the first time I had sex. I was in the U.S. for university and had started dating this guy that I liked. We lived in a co-ed dorm and after my roommate moved out in my second year, we basically started living together. 

    I didn’t plan on having sex till my wedding night.

    What changed?

    Before we had sex, my boyfriend and I would usually make out. One day, he put his finger in me, and it was the most excruciating pain I’d ever felt. I had to think very hard about my decision to wait because I wondered what a penis would do to me if a finger could do that. I thought about how sad it would make my wedding night, so I decided to get all the unpleasantness out of the way early.

    And how did your first time go?

    As I imagined. Painful as hell. I wondered if I would need to have my hymen surgically removed or something.

    Eish, sorry. But did it get better?

    Oh, it got a lot better. We had more sex, and I started to try more things with him. I watched more porn and discovered the stuff I liked or wanted to try. From degradation during sex to craving sex in public places. I think the most insane thing we wanted to try at the time was to go to the centre of the school’s football field and have sex there. We never got to do that though. We settled for having sex in his car in the school’s parking lot.

    I had to move to another state and change schools after about a year so we broke up.

    What was your sex life like in this new city?

    I lived with some family members in that city. I was meeting people, but I wasn’t in a co-ed dorm anymore. Sex in class became a thing for me with one guy I was seeing. We were doing that for a while until one day when he asked me to give him head and his penis stank to high heavens. He was uncircumcised, and I think he hadn’t washed well. I got one whiff of it and backed the hell away. We eventually settled on a handjob. But can you believe that after this man came, he just packed his things and left?

    The audacity.

    That was the last time I saw him sha. Another interesting fellow I had sex with was this white guy I met through some mutual friends. I didn’t particularly find him attractive, but he was persistent and we planned to see a movie at his. I told him straight up that we were not going to have sex, and he was fine with that. Then we settled in to watch our movie. Guess what I chose for us to watch…

    I feel like I’m not going to get it.

    Dear White People.

    Oh God.

    Yes, yes. It was hilarious. 

    Anyway, we did end up having sex but the night ended up having a bit of a snag because at some point the condom got lost, and we had to stop and look around for it. We checked the bed and everywhere around. Turned out it was inside me. I don’t know if the condoms were too big, but yeah, that didn’t help the mood for the rest of that night.

    Not a lot of exciting things happened with sex in that time. After a while, I had to return to Nigeria to complete uni and during my final year, I met a sugar daddy.

    Where did you meet him?

    Lol. I met this one at a club when I was with some friends. Honestly, I hesitate to call him a sugar daddy because of how selfish he was. But he falls under the group of men I slept with not because I liked them, but I just knew that when we saw or had sex, I’d get some money from them but not a lot. 

    Things were going okay with this guy until we had sex one day and for some reason, this time was without condoms. I’d never had someone cum in me, so I never thought to ask if he had when we were done. 

    A month later, I noticed my breasts were increasing and I hadn’t seen my period. I remember sitting with my friend and doing the first test. It was positive and I was crying. My friend told me to do another one (we bought many) and it was the same thing.

    I didn’t get an abortion till it was well into the third month, and that was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.

    So sorry about that.

    Thanks. It’s been some time since then. I didn’t see him again after the abortion. He was clearly a very irresponsible person. 

    Once I was done with uni, I started focusing on having casual sex with people I liked. I also started to try some things that I genuinely blame porn for.

    Blame porn? How?

    You know how you watch something and you think you might like that? Yeah, I tried a couple of these things, and now I’m going to list the ones that worked in real life and the ones that didn’t.

    *opens note* I’m all ears.

    I was watching lesbian porn when I figured, oh, I might like this. Then I actually tried it. 

    I was with this girl, and we were both drunk and I played with her clit and sucked her breasts, but when it was time to actually do anything that involved her vagina, I was suddenly not sure I wanted to. So that was the last time I tried that.

    Then golden showers…

    Like getting peed on?

    Yeah, but not all over you like in porn. I no get mind like that yet. I asked him to pee on my leg. The entire time I didn’t quite get what was pleasurable about that, so I don’t think I’ll be trying the full thing anytime soon.

    Orgies were on my list of things to try before but I don’t even know how the mechanics of that would work. I am not currently thinking too hard about it.

    Then there’s this thing where I know I’m a sub but I really really want to try being a dom.

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    How did you find out you were a sub?

    I can’t say for sure that I know when I discovered I was a submissive, but as far back as my first boyfriend, I really enjoyed degradation. Every single derogatory word you could think of. I like them. I enjoy being whipped and gagged and slapped. I may blame porn here too as well. Of course, I gravitated towards more submissive themes in the videos, and as I encountered new things, I found more stuff that I liked.

    Point is, now I want to dom a man.

    How come you haven’t?

    I’ve not found a willing man o. Help me tell your people.

    LMAO, no wahala. How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 7/10. It’s satisfactory. I have a couple of people that I have sex with from time to time, but my libido is not what it used to be anymore. When I was younger and just getting the hang of sex, I used to be horny 24/7. Now I only get horny when ovulation comes around.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old pansexual woman who talks to us about discovering she was polyamorous, learning to have sex for herself, and dating a woman while in a relationship with a man.

    TW: Sexual abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was about 8. I was a very timid child and my mother encouraged me to make friends with my neighbour’s daughter who was about my age at the time. We would always hang out at either of our houses and one time, she asked me to touch her between her legs and she did the same to me. I liked it and we kept doing things like this until we moved to a different city when I was 12. 

    After we’d do these things together, I’d go home and read some of my nanny’s HINTS magazines. When I was 10, I read one of them about women touching themselves as we did was described as lesbianism. I ran to her house to inform her, in case she didn’t know, that we were lesbians.

    My first penetrative sex experience though, happened when I turned 18. I’d made a mental note to myself that I was going to wait till that age to have sex and when the time came I met this guy off Twitter and asked him if he’d ever been anyone’s first. He told me he had and so we had sex.

    Before we go into how the sex was, why this guy?

    Well, he wasn’t someone I particularly liked as a person. That was the main reason for choosing him. I was only physically attracted to him.

    Wait, you didn’t like him?

    Nope. When I was 12 and hanging out with my teenage male cousins, I heard them say that when a girl had sex for the first time with a guy, he would be all she’d ever want and she would remain madly in love with him.

    Ah yes, a version of that insane thing people call Okafor’s law.

    It didn’t make any sense to me even at that time. Why would someone sleep with me once and I’d be stuck with them forever? What’s that about? So I decided two things that day: I would have sex for the first time at 18 because I’d be an adult then and the person would be someone I had no emotional connection to at all.

    And you made good on your promise. So how was the sex?

    It was a very weird experience. I didn’t enjoy it. Every time he tried to penetrate me was painful as hell and it took a long time before he was finally able to. We tried with condoms and wasted about 3 condoms before he suggested we do it without them. When he finally got in, it was still so painful and felt so horrible that I screamed. I also bled. He got tissues to wipe the blood and then told me that we weren’t done yet because he still hadn’t broken my hymen. I was new to sex so I believed that this was how it worked so I allowed him to continue. There was so much pain and eventually, I passed out. When I came to, he was still thrusting and he ejaculated inside me. He bought me antibiotics the next day. I wonder how I didn’t get pregnant because those were definitely not contraceptives. 

    That’s horrifying. I’m so sorry. When would you say sex got good?

    I continued to have sex with this first guy and it didn’t get any better. While we were doing this I reached out to a guy I really liked but couldn’t have my first time with. Now I had had sex and could meet with him. So we did and I had my first orgasm from penetration. I didn’t even know that I was orgasming, I just thought “This feels weird, but good.” It was the first time sex was good and I was confused because I had just come to believe that sex was a painful thing.

    After a while, I started dating another guy that I liked. At this time I was getting regular orgasms from penetration but my school was in another city so we could only have sex when I was out of school. 

    I was having sex in school though. With a woman I liked.

    *Gasps* Cheating???

    I didn’t consider it cheating. I just felt like I was living my life and it was nice. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything bad so I talked about it with my boyfriend. And he never pushed back or complained about anything. Since he was fine with it, in my head it wasn’t cheating.


    But to be fair, I was seeing her before I started seeing him and she also had a boyfriend who was not in the same city as well. We just didn’t see it as a big deal. But it was. I felt more for her than I did for my boyfriend but no thanks to conditioning, I’d always just seen any relationships with women as temporary and that I would eventually end up with a man so it was all just fun.

    Did you ever feel bad about it though?

    I never felt I was doing anything wrong. I think I’ve always just been polyamorous. I confirmed this after reading more about polyamory years later. In my mind and heart I knew I could feel things for many people, so why was that a bad thing?

    Preach sister! So how have things changed for you with sex?

    This year has been interesting. I have finally started having sex for myself. I used to have sex for many different reasons: a man liked me, paid me attention, asked for it or because I was in a relationship. It wasn’t because I actually liked penetrative sex and wanted to enjoy it for myself.

    Now, I choose my partners and if I don’t want to, I say no. For example, there’s a friend of mine who has been wanting to have sex with me. I’ve told him no a few times. He’s also asked to eat my ass a couple of times and I let him but with sex, I drew the line. And I didn’t even like the ass eating. I realised I was only letting him do it because I somehow thought this was a way to save our friendship. But he kept pressing and now it’s to hell with him and his friendship.

    So what has ‘having sex for yourself’ looked like this year?

    For starters, throughout the lockdown I learned to masturbate and enjoy it. I now make myself cum often. Before this, I would feel so much guilt and shame about masturbating. With the lockdown, a lot of things became less taboo for me.

    What are some of these things?

    Apart from masturbation, sleeping with people in relationships or married people. Having sex in multiples. I’ve already had three threesomes this year alone. With six different people!

    The first one was with a guy I liked and wanted to have sex with but he mentioned that he preferred to have sex in multiples. I told him I’d never had a threesome and so he set it up. We started with watching Netflix but soon that became background noise for our shenanigans. It was such an erotic experience. And it was intimate. I always thought intimacy had to be between two people but I was wrong. The entanglement of bodies just felt so pure. At some point after he penetrated her, I sucked her juices off his dick. Do you even know how magnificent that is?

    I can’t say that I do. How did the second threesome happen?

    I went home with a babe from the club. I thought it was going to be just me and her but her man was there. We made out and then she ate me out for what seemed like hours. When she was done, her man ate me out as well, I squirted, and then he and I had sex. It was really good.

    A random thing I’ve also experienced this year is that getting my toes sucked intensifies my orgasm.

    You, my friend, are living the life. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 5/10.

    I beg your pardon?

    Okay, so I give it a 0/10 because I’m not having sex as frequently as I’d like. But 10/10 for when I get to have sex because it’s always so amazing. Put those together and you get 5/10.

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old queer man who talks to us about his first orgy, meeting sex partners online, and his desire to sleep with a woman.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    When I was about 15, we had this family that lived next door and had two kids — a boy and a girl who were both a year ahead of me in school. My first few sexual experiences were with both of them.

    Both?

    LOL. It wasn’t at the same time, and they still don’t know that I’d done things with the other.

    So what happened with each of them?

    I was a horny teenager who thought they were hot. For the brother, we would give each other handjobs when we were alone watching TV. We watched TV alone many times.

    And the sis?

    With his sister, it started a little later. Our families were obsessed with this series called El Cuerpo del Deseo. Whenever it came on and any of us didn’t have light, we would either put on the generator in our house or my parents would just let us go to their house to watch it. This was usually when we would sneak out to go and make out.

    How long did this go on?

    It lasted for about a year until they both had to go to university. I was writing WAEC, but I was also still a horny 16-year-old so I joined this old social media app called 2go and started talking to people off the platform.

    2go had rooms where you could find people with similar interests, and there was this one I was in called “Naija Gay”. People would come on and drop information about themselves like “Onitsha, Bottom”, basically telling anyone who was around Onitsha and wanted to link with a bottom all they needed to know.

    For me, any budding conversation usually would end when they asked me to see them or to meet them somewhere because at this time, I had no money, and I wasn’t about to ask my mother for transport money to go and meet a stranger.

    Did you eventually meet someone there?

    I got a text from someone I had been chatting with saying he was at my junction and would like us to have sex at his friend’s house, which was close by.

    I’m not sure why, but I said yes. When we got to his friend’s house, he said he would top me and I could top his friend who was a bottom.

    How did it go?

    Oh, it was horrible. It was my first time, and he was so rough and hadn’t even tried to ease me into it. It was such a horrible experience. After we were done, I packed my things and left that place. I didn’t have sex for some time after that.

    Did this experience taint sex for you?

    Not at all. I didn’t have sex mostly because I got into the university and spent the first year living in the hostel. There was definitely no chance for any of that when I had roommates.

    In my second year, I moved off campus to an apartment by myself. I got back online, this time both on 2go and Facebook and started meeting some new people. I didn’t like a lot of the men I was meeting.

    Why not?

    I didn’t like the men because there were not particularly to my taste. Most were older and not particularly fine.

    You’re primarily attracted to men then?

    Yes. But to be fair, I am also attracted to women. I’ve had huge crushes on women and been very attracted to them as well. I lean more towards men, but gender is not the most important thing. I like a vibe.

    You were meeting men you didn’t like; when did you finally get to have sex?

    In my second year. I remember meeting this guy online who lived in one of the towns around my school, and I went to see him. He gave some excuse about why we couldn’t have sex in his house and took me to one valley.

    Valley? And you went?

    Yes, I did. We had sex in the open there. I topped him.

    How was that?

    It wasn’t bad. I’m open to trying things. Well, except BDSM. I think I’m too kind for that.

    But one of the exciting things I’ve tried was an orgy. I’ve been to three orgies, but the first one was the most memorable.

    How did that happen?

    So this was post-university. I was working on Christmas day and talking to this guy I met on a dating app. He asked if I wanted to be in an orgy. I’ll admit I didn’t immediately know what he was talking about. I thought he had asked me if I wanted “oji”, which is igbo for kolanut. I was very confused, but then I thought harder and it hit me. I told him sure. I mean, why not. 

    Before then, I considered myself someone who didn’t do too much — the most I’d done were threesomes. I went there straight from work. In the house, I found six other men naked smoking and drinking. When they tried to offer me drinks and things to smoke, I told them I didn’t indulge and they laughed at me asking “How you wan take do this thing now?” I was like, “God will provide”.

    The orgy lasted for hours, and it was so good. We each got turns with other people. It was so good that one of the men asked me to marry him that day. This was a gathering where we didn’t know each other’s names, but this man went on to get my number and pester me for almost three years.

    Oh wow. Are there any things you are looking forward to trying?

    I feel like I would like to have sex with a woman. But there’s a lot of politics playing out in my head. I worry about doing it and realising it’s not something I’m into and then it feels like I’ve wasted someone’s time or maybe it’s a case of internalised homophobia — which I don’t think I have.

    How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d rate it a 10. I’m not having sex every day or anything, but I’m having sex when I want to have it. I have a couple of people that I’ve met through the internet and I can call them up whenever I feel like it, and that’s great for me.