Instead of having long, chaotic conversations with inanimate objects, we’ve decided to go around the average Nigerian household and ask what the items around have to say to you, their owners.
Dining table — “Please, use me”
When you were disturbing the carpenter to build me and making plans with your husband to have family meals gathered around me, don’t you know I was excited? Now, you’re just dumping the most random stuff on me and going to eat in front of the TV instead? Shebi they would have used my wood to do something better.
Bed — “Why are you so horny?”
Every day, foki foki. Why? Did they use knacks to swear for you? And you’re even cheating again. The first time madam travelled, I thought, “Okay, I’ll get some rest,” only for you to invite two other people over. TWO. You’re even doing a threesome. Oga, lean on me no be press me die o.
Gas cooker — “Are you blind?”
No, it’s a genuine question. Are you lacking the ability to see? Okay, tell me why you can’t see that it’s time to clean me. Last week’s semo is still rubbing bodies with today’s noodles on my head, and you still want to cook pasta without cleaning up first. Why?
Sofa — “My friend, will you stand up?”
Before I close my eyes and open it, carry your smelling body up and go and baff. So because they call this place “living room”, you think you’ll die if you leave here? I wasn’t made to be sat on with dirty body for a full day, please.
Bedsheets, pillowcases and towels — “If you use us for one more day, we can faint.”
We’re not like the other items that are giving you attitude. We’re begging. This is a life-or-death situation. Please, change us. Same towel for three months? Same beddings for half a year? Even God rested. Help. Please.
Vaseline and toilet paper — “This isn’t what we were made for.”
Please, someone should help us beg this brother to use us for the right purpose. Please. Once he carries us together like this, the things our eyes see, we cannot say it outside.
Freezer— “We eating good!”
You’re part of the people complaining Nigeria is bad, but look how much food I’m carrying. Abeg no dey disguise.
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
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After seven years, two children and a failed marriage, the 32-year-old subject of this week’s Naira Life returned to her parents’ home with just ₦500 to her name. How have things picked back up for her?
What’s your earliest memory of money?
Growing up in Kaduna, my parents never gave me and my siblings money for school. Whenever children went out to buy ice cream, I couldn’t because my parents just gave us food. I found it weird and assumed they were mean.
My next memory is when our names were called out during assembly, and we were sent home for defaulting on school fees. I was 7, and we’d moved to Abuja.
Why?
Insecurity in the north. When we moved, my dad didn’t have a job so my mum had to carry the family’s financial burden. She’d always had a shop where she sold provisions, but my dad being out of work meant she also hawked bananas and soft drinks.
Our names got called out during assembly a couple more times, and I tell you, it was too embarrassing. Imagine standing on the assembly line with your crush and someone shouts out your name for not paying school fees on time.
By the time I turned 9 in 1999, I went to boarding school, and that was the first time I ever got money from my parents. ₦100 at the beginning of the semester, and ₦100 every time they came to visit.
What could ₦100 do in 1999?
I never even wanted to spend it because I’d gotten used to not having money. I had provisions, so I took them instead of spending money at the tuck shop. I mainly spent the money on notebooks and random stuff like repairing my sandals. At the end of the term, I used the money to buy snacks to take back home and give my siblings. During those holidays, I hawked soft drinks for my mum.
I think what my parent did helped me remain content. Now, I don’t give my kids money to take to school. I just give them food.
What did you want to be as an adult?
A lawyer. My dad studied English and had a lot of books lying around the house, so I’d read John Grisham’s books, and I thought law was cool. I finished secondary school in 2005. I wrote JAMB in 2006 but got English at the University of Abuja. I didn’t want it.
The next year, I got in for law at Nasarawa State University, but the indigenes complained not many of them got in to study law, so they revoked admissions for some non-indigenes. Of course, I was among.
By 2008, I was ready to study anything to get out of the house. I got English again at the University of Abuja, so I just took it.
What did you do with the years you were home?
Babysitting. I’m the first born. After my immediate younger sister and me, my parents waited before they had more children. One was born in 2001, and the other, in 2004. Also, my parents discouraged skill acquisition. They thought the only path to wealth was to go to school, get a degree and get a job.
Tell me about uni
I didn’t like the course I studied, so I didn’t enjoy uni. I finished with a second-class lower division. But I sha made money.
How?
Let’s rewind to 2006. A neighbour, who was part of the Abuja Carnival planning committee, asked my father if he could invite me to work as an usher. After asking multiple questions, my dad finally let him take me along. I ushered for four days and made ₦40k. The same happened in 2007.
By 2008, they cut the budget and were looking to pay ₦15k so I stopped working for them. However, I’d made some connections, so people called me for ushering jobs that paid ₦10k for a few hours and ₦20k for a full day. I did that inconsistently throughout uni. My dad didn’t know about it sha. He wouldn’t have let me.
Omo
In February 2009, when I was in my second year, I decided to try selling stuff. I bought 15 male shirts at ₦1,800 each, to sell at ₦2,500. I could only sell two pieces. I eventually gave the rest out. That same year, I had a boyfriend who gave me the idea to sell underwear. I found someone who sold in packs, but when I broke it down, one piece was ₦200. I sold at ₦300. I marketed by wearing them myself and walking around the hostel.
At some point, I also sold shoes for my mum. She gave me the price she wanted to sell them for, and I added my markup. I returned the ones I couldn’t sell. I didn’t do any business in my third year because the hostel burnt down, and we had to move to another hostel. In my final year, I made up to ₦12k a week selling jewellery like earrings, rings and chains. Throughout uni, I also got ₦5k, sometimes ₦10k, a month from my dad.
Where was all this money going, please?
To my siblings. I wanted them to enjoy life so they didn’t see things like restaurant trips, food and money as a big deal when they eventually got into university. I had zero savings.
Interesting. What happened after uni?
I graduated in late 2011, and the plan was to serve, get a job and make money, just like my dad told me would happen. In 2012, I couldn’t go for NYSC because of a school strike. My department stopped processing graduates for NYSC to participate in the strike. Same thing happened in 2013, and because my parents didn’t understand what was happening, they began to question whether or not I actually graduated from school.
During the waiting period, I tried to learn tailoring, but my dad didn’t let me. Instead, in January 2013, I got a job as a project officer at an NGO that educated young adults. The pay was ₦20k per month. My dad dropped me off at work almost every day, so I saved all my salary. By September, I quit the job and took ₦100k out of my savings to learn tailoring. This time, I didn’t ask my dad. I was sponsoring myself so I just informed him.
How did that go?
I started learning tailoring in October 2013. Unfortunately, that same month, I met the man I would marry two months later.
I —
A family friend introduced me to him. He was 40, and I was 23. I liked him and thought I’d grow to love him when we got married. I’ll be honest, the only reason I decided to get married was because I was tired of how stagnant my life felt. My mates had served, gotten good jobs, and some were married. I just wanted something to move my life forward. If I’d been called up to serve, marriage wouldn’t have been on my mind.
What did your parents think about this?
My mum was excited her first daughter as getting married. No matter how many questions my dad raised, she had a point to argue against them. So we just moved on with it.
Why did you describe it as unfortunate?
Shortly after we got married, I found out he only married me because of his mum. He’s from Enugu. He was in love with a 32-year-old Imo woman, and his mum disapproved of her. She wanted him to marry from Enugu so she wouldn’t “lose access to him”. She also wanted him to marry a young, “inexperienced” lady. I checked both boxes.
How did you find this out?
He called his mum during our first fight and all the info came out. That’s how the cheating with his ex and emotional abuse started. Also, I stopped tailoring because the place I was learning was far from where I now stayed.
By February 2014, NYSC called me to serve. On my third day in camp, I began to bleed. I was pregnant and having a threatened miscarriage. I had to be on bed rest until I had my baby in November 2014. NYSC knew I was sick, so they let me come in only once a month for clearance.
Any plans for your career at this point?
Zero. I was just trying to stay alive. Every time I tried to apply for jobs I saw, or tell people I was looking for work, my ex-husband would shut me down and tell me not to worry. That he’d find work for me at CBN ot FIRS.
May 2015, when my baby was six months old, I moved back to my parents’ place because we kept fighting. Every time, he’d say, “I’ll kick you out of my house.” This time, I took my baby and left.
When I got there, my dad asked what I wanted. I said I wanted to go back to school. Most schools had closed application for master’s, so we decided I would start preparing for JAMB again so I could study law. I really wanted to study law.
How did that go?
My ex-husband came back with his family to beg that he’d turned a new leaf. My dad wasn’t having it, but again, my mum begged me to go back and try to make things work. “What would people say if they saw you at home?”
I returned in July 2015. By August, I was pregnant again.
Omo
Thankfully, I wasn’t sick during this pregnancy, so I decided to take on a postgraduate diploma in education. At some point during the diploma in 2016, I had to do teaching practice so I got hired by a school to teach kindergarten. Pay was ₦30k. Even after I finished the diploma, I stayed at the school. I eventually left in October 2018 when they wanted me to teach JSS 3 and primary 5 with no additional salary.
I’m curious about what the finance dynamics were at home?
My ex-husband never gave me money. He went to the market himself and bought foodstuff. I lived on ₦30k a month, which I used to take care of my children because he also didn’t drop money for them. My only other source of money was the profits from palm oil storage once a year.
Ehn?
I started doing this thing in 2014 where I sent money to my grandma in the village to help me buy palm oil in bulk when it was in season, and then, sell at a profit when there was scarcity. I started with ₦100k I got from savings and wedding gifts, and made ₦240k a year later.
I didn’t tell my ex-husband about it, but he saw the ₦240k bank alert on my phone and asked for a ₦100k loan. He never repaid.
I made small profits from palm oil storage until 2020 when I decided to stop. Food was already scarce and expensive because of COVID and the lockdown, and I didn’t want to take advantage of the situation and overcharge people.
Aww
LMAO, please. After I left the school in 2018, I visited a friend in another school and saw they had space for a creche with beds for children. We agreed on a ₦100k yearly rent for the space and I set up my creche.
I didn’t want my ex-husband to find I was the one setting it up, so I told him the creche was for a friend and I was just working there. Somehow, he still found out, and after raising hell with my parents, decided the best solution was to stop contributing even the foodstuff at home since I was now “making money”.
Were you?
For the first two months, I had to do a promo on Facebook for young mothers to bring their children in for free. If they liked my service, they’d keep coming and refer other people.
Did that work?
It did, but I didn’t make a dime for those two months. Thankfully, I got 10 children to sign up as consistent members. During the long holiday, the number of children increased.
How much did they pay?
₦20k per child.
You were doing ₦200k a month
Yes, but I paid my two employees ₦30k each. The remaining ₦140k was spread across surviving, feeding my children, sending them to school. Then, over time, I had to buy more beds, toys, a TV, a DVD player, air conditioning and study materials for the children. There was never anything left.
How long did this go on for?
A year. The school decided to turn the creche into an extra room for JAMB CBT exams, and just like that, we were done. I wrote proposals to orgnanisations to allow us rent some part of their space for a creche, but nothing came through until COVID and lockdown hit.
What happened then?
That’s when I left my marriage. September 2020.
Was it planned?
Right from 2018 when the creche thing happened and he stopped providing, I knew the marriage had to end. I set a target for 2020, thinking that’s when I’d have made enough money to leave. That didn’t happen, but I still left.
I called my dad and told him I was coming home. He knew things were bad, but because he he’s hypertensive, I hardly gave him any details. I didn’t tell him my children had to miss school for almost a session because their father wasn’t paying fees.
He told me I could come back home any time I wanted. So a few days later, I packed everything my daughters and I owned, the last ₦5k I had in this life and got in a cab to my father’s house that cost ₦4,500.
Man…
I returned home with my daughters and just ₦500. No job, no savings, no investments. At age 30. That’s point zero.
I spent the first few weeks crying. But as time went on, things got better. My dad enrolled my daughters in school and paid for them. The migraines I had daily for years stopped, and I started sleeping without using medication or alcohol.
What did you do next?
I started applying for whatever jobs I saw, and two companies called me back. One was a hotel where I would be a receptionist for ₦55k a month. The other was a business development executive role at a restaurant. I’d even started the training at the restaurant, but it seemed like it would be chaotic. They were already telling me I would be strict to people and deduct salaries, and I wasn’t mentally ready for that wahala. The pay was ₦70k. I went with the receptionist job. This was December 2020.
How did that go?
I made more than ₦70k monthly. On the 14th of every month, each employee got something called a service charge. It was a profit sharing arrangement for when the hotel reached it’s revenue targets. The lowest I ever got was ₦23k. Many times, it went up to ₦40k. Oh, and I got tips too.
It felt so good knowing I could make that much money. Small small, I began to provide a bit more for my daughters so they wouldn’t depend too much on my parents. The tips I got were always enough to cover transportation, so the service charges went directly to my savings.
In February 2021, a man gave me a lift and we became friends. For some reason, he took it upon himself to send me at least ₦50k every month, all of which I saved. There was no romance involved. He didn’t even live in Abuja. Then in October, he started saying stuff like, “I’m coming to Abuja, and you will come to my hotel and stay with me.” Abeg o. The relationship just faded away like that. We didn’t fight, but I wouldn’t let him speak to me that way.
Sounds like your savings had become plenty
By October 2021, I had almost a million in savings because I’d even started saving my entire salary. I was considering investing in crypto, but no matter how much I read about it, I didn’t understand it. I found out my manager at the hotel helped people invest in stocks, so I reached out to him. He helped me invest ₦700k first, then ₦250k, and now, the ₦950k has a yield of ₦1.3m. Sometimes, it goes up; sometimes, it comes down. It depends on the market.
Anyways, I quit the receptionist job in June 2022.
Why?
My children started to complain that I wasn’t there to hold them to sleep whenever I did night shifts. They don’t have a father, so they need me to be there for them as much as possible.
I started taking online courses on IT support, customer service, and becoming a virtual assistant, so I can work from home.
What are your finances like?
Apart from the money I had in stock, I also had ₦350k, which I thought would tide me over until I got something new. Omo, every day, my children want me to buy something. Also, I had to pay for driving school, a driver’s licence and an international passport. So yeah, the money is finishing fast.
Two weeks ago, one of my daughters fell really ill and only wanted to eat pizza. After spending ₦5,500 on pizza for three days straight, I had to beg her to beg her appetite to accept shawarma and Chicken Republic.
So I’m back to applying for hotel jobs, but this time, more managerial and administrative roles that don’t have night shifts.
What’s something you want but can’t afford?
A rented apartment so my daughters and I can have our own place. It’d also be useful for the divorce process. The court said the major requirement for a divorce is a two-year separation, but having my own place and a steady job will also make my case stronger.
What’s your monthly spending like?
This is what it looked like when I was working and making about ₦100k monthly.
Now, it’s just…
And your financial happiness on a 1-10 scale?
I want to shout 8 because of how far I’ve come, but there’s still a lot of uncertainty, so I’ll just say a 5 or 6.
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The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
This week’s #AbroadLife subject spent nine years in Canada, returned to Nigeria for nine years, and moved back to Canada in 2021. After all her tears, she’s settled in Canada again. And she has a lot to say about the dating scene there.
When did you first move to Canada?
The first time I came was in 2001 because my family had gotten Canadian permanent residence (PR).
But I moved for university when I was 17 in 2003. I had to first do one year of secondary school because I was too young.
Moving to another country at 17 sounds scary
Yeah. I was still a child. Thankfully, I had a soft landing. Because I came in as a PR, I didn’t have to worry about a student visa or pay international student school fees. I had healthcare, went to a private boarding school and got a $250 monthly allowance which, somehow, I finished every month.
Even though I knew my parents were rich, I still felt like the poorest in my school because of the type of people there. For example, I had a friend whose dad was an ambassador. She’d randomly invite her friends to stay with her at expensive hotels. Of course, I said yes every time. Another time, her dad was having a party outside the country, and a private jet came to pick her and five of her friends. I couldn’t go because I hadn’t become a citizen and gotten my passport yet.
When did you become a citizen?
I became eligible in 2005 or 2006, but I didn’t apply for citizenship until 2007. I got it in 2009.
What was uni like?
My course was a four-year programme. I started in 2004 and graduated in 2011.
ASUU strike?
LMAO. First of all, I never wanted to go to university. I just wanted to make furniture. That was my passion. But as someone with Nigerian parents, is skipping university even an option?
In my first year, I failed so bad, they advised me to take the next two semesters off. Because if I failed those too, they’d have to expel me. So for the summer semester of 2005, I was in Nigeria. After that, I returned to Canada. The next semester was the fall semester, and even though I wasn’t attending classes, I decided to write and help students do their research for money. I even told my dad not to give me an allowance so I could fend for myself. He still paid rent sha.
LMAO
In January 2006, I resumed and changed my major from psychology to social development and women’s studies. I was doing pretty well until I got pregnant in September the same year.
Ghen ghen
My dad disowned me. Then he changed his mind. But he made me promise I wouldn’t drop out. I tried my best, but sometime in 2007 when I was heavily pregnant, I dropped out.
What’s it like having a baby in Canada?
Oh, it was pretty great. I had my baby in a private room, with a great doctor and a jacuzzi, and I didn’t pay a dime.
Why?
My Ontario Health Insurance Plan covered it.
There’s an incident I can never forget. After I had my baby, I returned to school. I was pushing my baby in a stroller, struggling to hold my books at the same time, and a white girl walked up to help me. As we strolled, she began to complain about the prime minister taking away welfare, especially for a black single mother like me who must struggle to pay student loans. I was speechless. Why did she just assume all that? I was coming from a five-bedroom house my dad bought after I had my baby, in a brand new car my dad bought, to a school where all my fees had been paid.
Is that racism I hear?
LMAO, Canada can be very racist. I’ve experienced profiling here, but a lot of the time, I don’t know how to react. I’ve even been called the ‘n’ word while eggs were hurled at me from a moving car. This probably has nothing to do with my race sha, but white boys on skateboards robbed me of my purse with my phone and wallet when I was heavily pregnant.
Omo
In 2008, I decided to return to Nigeria, where I worked for a bit before returning to Canada to finish school in 2009. Between 2010 and 2012 when I returned to Nigeria, I did a couple of menial jobs.
Like…
First of all, I sold vacuum cleaners from door to door. While doing that, I learnt one of my biggest lessons living in Canada.
Tell me
I’ll tell you three, so people who want to move to Canada can know. First, don’t fill out forms that ask for social insurance numbers if they’re not directly from your bank. Even then, be careful. At my vacuum sales job, I gave them my social insurance number because I thought they needed it for payment purposes. Nope. Just like they can use it to pay, they can also use it to charge you. I was charged $3k for the demo vacuum even though I used it for their work.
The second is, before you move, get a letter from FRSC stating you can drive, so you don’t have to wait a year to get a license. Trust me, life is much easier here when you can drive around.
Third thing: Don’t open accounts for anyone. I once opened a phone account for someone, and they ran up a phone bill and didn’t pay. Never again.
Taking notes
After the sales job, I worked as a telemarketer. I could only do it for two months because, really, you can only get told, “Never call this house again, “n-word”” so many times. It was brutal, and I hated it.
Then I got a sales rep job at a store, where something happened that made me return to Nigeria in 2012.
What happened?
The major reason why I returned is I was tired of paying electricity and water bills for a five-bedroom house on my own. I could’ve moved to a smaller apartment, but it just felt like it would defeat the purpose of the house. Also, my child was five, and I’d been taking care of them alone for the most part. I broke things off with her father who lived in Nigeria the year she was born. I wanted us to reconnect with family.
At my store job, I met a Nigerian woman who told me she’d been working at another branch of the store for 23 years, and my future flashed before my eyes. I didn’t want to tell another Nigerian girl I’d been working at a store for 23 years, 23 years from now. I wanted to return to Nigeria and do something more.
What did you do?
I went to culinary school. I like working with my hands. From there, I built a career in Nigeria and even became a consultant for restaurants.
What did moving back feel like, though?
At first, I hated it. I was in a place with no sanity. One of the first things that got to me was the bad driving. My God, Nigerians are such terrible drivers. Then things like electricity, buying fuel, water and the Nigerian police, just made me hate living there. In Canada, things just work. People know the rules and follow them.
It took me a couple of years, but I eventually settled in Nigeria. In fact, I like to say I was at the best point in my life when I moved back to Canada in 2021. I had a good business making decent money, a group of close-knit friends I hung out with at least once a week, I was around family and had a nice apartment. It was beautiful.
Why did you move back?
Because I promised my child we would move when they finished JSS 3, so they could get used to the Canadian system before university. It was just time.
Was this move different?
Oh, absolutely. For almost a year, I cried every day. In the shower, in bed, while driving, tears. When I came in 2003, I was a student, so my life was pretty organised by the school system and whatever programmes they had. This time, I had to be responsible for myself.
Here’s another piece of advice for Nigerians trying to move to Canada: Move to a city. Especially if you’re coming alone — without a partner. I know cities like Toronto are more expensive, but if you move to a less populated area, loneliness will finish you.Trust me, I’ve been there. Texting and calling your friends and family in Nigeria is not enough.
For three weeks, the only person I saw was my child. You might say you have friends who live an hour away, but nobody wants to drive for one hour to visit you because you’re lonely. And you can’t drive to visit them because you’re busy. Just move to a place with lots of people.
Chai
Amidst all this loneliness, I had to work extra hard because the first restaurant job I found wasn’t even paying enough to cover rent. I had to cook and deliver Nigerian food on the side. Also, my credit score had become terrible when I wasn’t around, so I couldn’t even get a nice apartment or a brand new car. It was sha tough. And let’s not even get into the dating scene.
Actually, let’s do that
Both Nigerian men and women in Canada are suffering, but for different reasons. Nigerian women can’t find men, and they don’t want Nigerian men.
From what I’ve seen, Nigerian men come here and become comfortable doing mediocre jobs, earning not so well, and they don’t want better for themselves. Like why are you comfortable being a plumber or an Uber driver without any side hustles or plans for the future?
Have you seen the Nigerian women in Canada? It’s like Nigeria’s hottest women were handpicked and brought here. And these women are hardworking, jumping from job to job to increase their earnings. A foreign woman would probably be fine dating a plumber with no future plans, but not a Nigerian woman.
If men want to come here and whore around, they can do that. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. But the dating pool? The potential Nigerian men for Nigerian women to be in serious relationships with? It’s not looking good.
I’m sha currently seeing someone. But it’s not long-term because he wants children. I don’t.
Would you date a non-Nigerian?
If the person was African, I could try. There’d be some cultural similarities we could work with. But a white person? Nope. If my soulmate is a white person, I would like them to be assigned to someone else, please.
I have to walk on eggshells with white people because I hate having to replay scenarios or things they said in my head, wondering if they were making a casual comment or being racist. The lines could be so blurred.
Do you have an example?
At an old job, I was admiring some flower pots when my white boss said, “You’d like to steal them, wouldn’t you?” I know he wasn’t being racist, but not knowing how to react to situations like that can be stressful.
Recently, a white girl asked to touch my hair at a store. First, I politely declined, but when she asked again, I had to decline with a firmer tone. Now, I’m the rude black girl and probably a reason she sees black people differently. Those little cultural differences and blurred lines can just be frustrating jare.
Do you think you might move back to Nigeria?
Right now, I don’t think so. I’m here alone because my child had to move back to Nigeria after encountering some issues here. So when the time for university comes, they’ll return.
No more loneliness?
I moved to the city this year, so no. My brother’s house is a 15-minute walk from mine, I have friends I can visit not so far away, I’m happy and smiling now.
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Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.
If Nigerian women think we don’t know what’s in their little bags, when they go for their cute genitalia meet and greet sprinkled with violence, they should wake up. Because we know.
Ata gungun
If you didn’t think this was the first thing on the list, you clearly don’t know Nigerian women. Those people are wicked, and there are so many ways they can get creative with ata gungun. Small thing, they’ve blindfolded you and you’re feeling a tingling sensation in your privates. You know how the rest goes. Shebi it’s you that wants to do dangerous things.
Omorogun
What’s a spanking if omorogun is not involved? Better turn your yansh and let this turning stick do the work she brought it for.
Or koboko
This one is not just for spanking, it’s for flogging sense into you. And again, there’s nobody wickeder than a Nigerian woman. Anything your eyes see, take it like that.
Nearly All Men In Lagos Are Mad
Imagine someone ties you down and reads this book to you. No be bondage and discipline be that? And you know who loves this book? Nigerian women.
Ankara
Ankara is very important for Nigerian women who involve themselves in the act of bedroom wickedness. First of all, don’t expect them to come with those black leather or fishnet outfits. No. They’ll tie wrapper, and that’s it.
Also, they don’t need handcuffs. They’ll just use Ankara strips to tie your hands and legs like a goat about to be slaughtered.
Koi koi shoe
Fun fact: Nobody wears heels anymore these days. So if you see a woman adorning these, just know she’s going for dangerous bedroom play.
Screenshots of their chats with other men
She won’t read these to you o. She’ll print them out and give you. You’re the one that’ll read them by yourself and start crying. This is your daily reminder to cheat on Nigerian women because they’re already cheating on you, surely.
Male tears
Because what’s a better lubricant?
If you walked into your office tomorrow and instead of your normal Gen Z coworkers, you met Nollywood actors instead, what would they be like?
Ireti Doyle
She’s the general manager who doesn’t say much but everyone respects her and calls her “Madam”. She has an accent from the time she spent in uni abroad and is always “out of the country” for something not related to work. She also knows how to mind her business, but the day you cross her ehn? Wahala will burst.
Adesua Etomi
The office sweetheart. Everyone likes her. She probably did youth service there and got retained because she’s polite and efficient. The problem is, if you don’t do your work, she’ll be the first person to snitch on you. That’s why she keeps getting promotions and pay bumps.
Timini Egbuson
Female youth corps members are in trouble around this young man. He’s pretty good at his job, that’s why he’s not been fired yet. But women? Women will be the end of him. At this point, he doesn’t even care that people know he’s always pursuing corpers and interns.
Kehinde Bankole
She’s the very lowkey co-worker that isn’t popular but gets the work done consistently. She’s been at the company for years but she’s still underrated because she doesn’t play office politics. Obviously, she’s very religious.
Patience Ozokwor
The real office mummy. She will complain that your nails are long or your skirt is too short. Her favourite lines start with, “when I was your age” and “when I was in the world….” She’s also been advocating for morning office morning devotion, but nobody takes her seriously.
Beverly Naya
Office hot kek. She’s the one who walks in with Mac, iPad, iPhone and iEverything on a ₦100k salary. You can tell she doesn’t really “need” this job, but her father put her here while she runs her luxury clothing line on the side.
RMD
The no-nonsense company CEO. He built the company from the ground up and doesn’t like drama. He has plenty connections and all the women in the office have a crush on him.
Toyin Abraham
She’s the one who has everyone’s gist. Her second job is whyning people, and she does it well. She’s also super funny and is always trying to go on leave for one wedding or the other.
Broda Shaggi
He’s the office gateman that keeps hailing you only to stylishly ask you for “something” for the weekend. Annoying mf.
Odunlade Adekola
He’s good at his job. Very good. Because that’s the only reason they’ve not fired him for all the risque jokes he’s made. HR is always receiving reports about him. He thinks remote work is nonsense and he’s always struggling with Google Meet and network problems.
I was talking with a few friends about how this summer transfer window is one of the most interesting in a while and a thought popped into my head. If Nigerian music arts were footballers, what would their transfer fees look like? If you heard Davido was completing his medicals to a new football club, how much would the transfer fees be?
Wizkid
Everyone knows he’s good. I mean, he’s a Balon D’or winner who’s still steady dropping 30 league goals a season. In fact, the reason he’s not more than £200m is that he’s already 32 and only has a few more seasons left in him. But don’t worry, he’ll ball all those seasons. Also, the money you’re paying will make you more than £200m in shirt sales in one season.
Asa
She’s one of those signings you make when you have a young squad and need a captain to bring leadership, creativity and experience. Think Lewandowski to Barca.
Tems
Remember when Salah came out of nowhere and started popping goals for Liverpool? Yes, everyone knew of his talent before, but who knew he could deliver such numbers? That’s Tems. Just one year and she’s on all the charts and all the big albums. She’s even receiving Ballon D’or shouts, and pundits are comparing her to the greats like Rihanna. In fact, this £160m is just a down payment. There are still add-ons.
Bnxn
He thinks he’s Salah with the way he cuts in from the right wing. He plays for a top team and has had some pretty solid performances, but pundits think he’s a “system player” that only does well because of the players around him. He has to go to a different club where he’s the main star to prove himself to fans. Or he can just stay and enjoy his comfortable team. Anyone that wants to complain should complain. He won’t give them eye.
Tiwa Savage
Many people say she’s finished, but somehow, she keeps getting big club transfers. She’ll give you goals and assists for sure, but every time she has a mid game, fans, media, pundits, everyone will drag her and say she’s not worth the price tag. She’s sha making her big bucks, so that one consine you. Next season, Real Madrid will sign her. So much for a finished player, huh?
Magixx
He’s good, yes. But is he good enough to play in the English Premier League, or is he going to have to pay Bundesliga tax? We can only wait and see.
Rema
Wonderkid that’s already won Golden Boy twice? Don Jazzy regen? Please open your purse and bring out money. The sky’s his limit and fans love him already. What a signing he’d be for a club like Arsenal, as Mikel Arteta builds his team of young, hungry Gunners.
Burna Boy
Current Balon D’or holder with Messi skill levels, Ibrahimovic arrogance and Ronaldo-type big game performances. It’s one thing to trigger his £211m release clause, but good luck paying his £650k-a-week wages.
Lady Donli
There’s creativity, and then there’s Lady Donli-level creativity. She’s the type of player to make a pass or do a skill you’ve never seen before. She’s not in the big leagues yet, but all the big clubs have their eyes on her. She’s captain of her national team sef.
Tope Alabi
There’s no doubt that she’ll deliver. Think Danny Ings or Olivier Giroud. People that know ball know there’s absolutely no reason to slander her. She’ll probably even be in your fantasy football team for the entire season because she’ll pop on a steady — even more than highly-rated players. When you’re good, you’re good.
Portable
He had a couple of good games three seasons ago and a newly promoted club has £2m to spare. They’ll pay the money in instalments. But apart from the fear that he might flop, the coach is also scared he’ll bring chaos to the dressing room. Let’s wait and see.
Teni
Nobody can question her or her price tag because she’s a proper baller. She’s quite versatile too. Need someone to cover at left back on a cold night in Stoke? Thaat’s Teni. Looking to pump the ball in the box for a 90th-minute goal? Just make sure she’s at the end of the cross.
Asake
Hottest talent right now. Man came out of nowhere and blew everyone away. Still new to the limelight, he doesn’t have too many career goals, but ALL the goals he’s scored are absolute worldies. Proper baller.
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Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
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After working at his mum’s bukka and motel for free almost all his life, and having to fend for a child at 22, the 27-year-old on this #NairaLife wants to make more money by going into tech…right after he’s done being a driver.
Let’s start with your earliest memory of money
I turned eight in primary 3 and as young as I was, I knew we were poor because I’d been sent out of school because of fees. At some point, my dad took me out of private school and put me in public school because he couldn’t keep up with the fees.
For secondary school in 2006, my mum put me in a private school that collected about ₦20k per term, and my dad had a problem with it. He thought they could’ve been using the money for something else. This was one of the many fights that eventually led to their divorce in 2006.
Ouch. What did your parents do for a living?
My dad was a carpenter, and my mum owned a bukka close to my school. Because of my mum’s bukka, we always had food.
After the divorce, my mum moved close to her bukka, and my older sister, younger brother and I moved with her. One of my older sisters stayed with my dad, while the first born stayed with my aunt, where she’d been for years.
Why was she there?
To be honest, I don’t know. She was there from primary school till she finished university.
By the time I got to JSS 3, my mum withdrew me from private school and put me in public school.
Why?
Money. I relate so much to the Naira Life subject whose dad was obsessed with building. My mum was making good money from the bukka, but you’d think we were poor. She always wanted to build. We only got new clothes at the end of the year and ate food from the bukka. All our free time after school and during holidays was spent working at the bukka because she was trying to cut costs on hiring employees. Sometimes, we even slept there.
But she had enough money to build houses for rent, and eventually, a motel in 2014.
When did you finish secondary school?
2011. I didn’t make all my WAEC papers, so I spent the next year doing a computer training program. I also worked at the bukka, running errands, making coleslaw, and sometimes, standing and serving for hours. In the course of that year, I heard someone talking about a part-time National Diploma (ND) program, and I was interested, so I registered for it. My mum gave me the money because she liked that it was part-time. It meant I could work at the bukka when I wasn’t in school.
Did you get paid for the work?
Never. My mum always said she assumed we were taking money from her business somehow, so there was no need for her to pay us.
Were you?
If I could bargain well at the market, I kept the change. From that, I could make up to ₦5k on a good month. Other than that, I wasn’t taking any money.
And that’s all the money you were making?
Well, I sold recharge cards for like one month in 2012. I used the ₦5k I had gathered that month as capital. But at some point, I had to go to school, so I left the recharge cards with one of my mum’s employees. When I came back, she’d made a loss and didn’t know how.
I also made some money designing. In my computer training school, I’d learnt how to use Corel Draw and some Photoshop. I started going to cyber cafes a lot to use the internet for news and entertainment. In 2013, I met a man there who was into fraud. When he learnt I knew how to design, he contracted me to help him edit the figures on cheques for ₦2k each. This went on inconsistently for about a year.
After some time, I decided I wanted to do my own fraud, so I asked him to teach me. He refused, but because I’d watched him enough, I tried on my own. I sha got one woman to send me $150 via Western Union. That was like ₦20k, but if you see the guilt that held me after? I gave my girlfriend ₦5k and used ₦15k to buy a bicycle. After that, no more internet fraud for me. It was just school, bukka and my mum’s motel.
What did you do at the motel?
When it opened in 2014, nothing. She hired someone to be in charge of drinks and lodgings, but he ran away with the money. By 2015, I was done with my ND, so she assigned me to work there. My job was to sell drinks at the bar and lodge customers. On nights when she wasn’t around, I kept the money to myself.
I’m curious if you still had a relationship with your dad
Yes. My mum allowed me visit him but was always bitter and moody whenever I got back.
What was your plan for after ND?
I wanted to move out and be on my own because I was tired of working for my mum. If I could’ve got like ₦150k, I’d have moved into a cheap apartment and maybe found cyber cafe work. At least, I had an ND in computer science. But plans scattered when my girlfriend got pregnant.
Omo
Her parents didn’t want people in the area to know she was pregnant, so she had to come and live with my family. Of course, my own mum scolded me, but that was it. She accepted her living with us.
A baby was on the way. How did it change things for you?
January 2016, I created a CV and went to a school behind the motel near where we lived, and applied to be a teacher. I got the job as the primary 4 class teacher. The pay was ₦11k monthly. After some time, they made me the primary 3 class teacher too and added ₦5k to the salary. I also taught the entire school computer appreciation for an extra ₦1k monthly. In my last month, I became a school bus driver, but I didn’t get paid because I got the bus stuck in mud.
By the time I was leaving in July 2016, my salary was ₦17k.
Why did you leave after just six months?
I had to run away from the area because of oil bunkering in the area. Apparently, the boys who did the oil bunkering also kidnapped people, and they were regular customers of my mum’s motel. We didn’t know. One night, SARS came to the motel to arrest them and, in the resulting wahala, shot and killed one of them. They also arrested my mum. The next day, more of the boys came to vandalise and rob the motel because they thought it was my mum who snitched on them. When that happened, people advised me and my siblings to leave the area because it wasn’t safe.
Where did you go?
My girlfriend and son had to go back home for about three months while I looked for a place to stay. I eventually got a self-con for free. It was owned by my dad’s family.
My dad was super helpful in the period when I had a child and needed stability. He gave me money before and even after I got another job, and occasionally brought food.
When did you get another job?
Late 2016. First, I got a tomato paste processing factory job that paid ₦800 daily. Then I was a security guard at a restaurant. ₦15k. But I had to stand for eight hours a day. It was two days on, two days off. So whenever I wasn’t at the restaurant, I was working at the tomato paste processing factory. And when I wasn’t at the tomato paste place, I sold peanuts on the road. This brought me a total monthly income of about ₦20k.
That’s how we survived until March 2017.
What happened in March 2017?
I found a job opening for a driver of a fintech exec. on Nairaland and got the job. ₦40k monthly. That was a huge raise for me. I could now afford a bit more to take care of my girlfriend and son. I also did odd jobs like washing cars and buying food for people at the office. In October 2017, my boss’ wife was going abroad to have a baby so he didn’t need two drivers anymore. Then he asked that we changed the payment model to a pay-per-days worked model since he wouldn’t be needing me every day anymore. I didn’t want that, so I just left.
I went back to Nairaland to look for jobs, and saw that people were looking to rent out their cars for ride-hailing services. It took me two months, but I eventually found someone who gave me their car for ₦35k a week. I did the fuelling, he did the fixing.
How much were you making?
Like ₦70k a week. ₦35k to the guy and ₦18k for fuel. The money coming to me in a month was sha between ₦60k and ₦70k. Better than my previous job. But because I’ve always been the only one working, all my money goes to the family.
I started discovering how to make more money by staying in certain areas and moving at rush hour. My monthly income eventually increased to about ₦120k. My son was already going to school, so that was extra money for fees and snacks.
In 2019, I decided to get my own car. It cost ₦3m, and I had to pay ₦40k every week while I started using the car. I was on track until lockdown in 2020 when I couldn’t pay for three weeks straight. I’d paid ₦1.3m, but they collected the car because it was agreed in our contract if I defaulted payment for that long, they would. To get the car back, I reached an agreement with them to pay ₦1m to buy the car off for a total of ₦2.3m.
Where did you get ₦1m?
My dad.
Daddy funds
He remarried into a wealthy family and has been living pretty well since. He doesn’t even work anymore.
God, when?
He loaned me ₦1.2m from his wife. ₦1m to buy the car, ₦200k to fix it up to premium conditions. I repaid ₦100k per month.
Since I stopped repaying loans in 2021, I now make about ₦250k monthly.
What’s being a driver like?
Driving is generally stressful, but customers make it even harder.
In 2020, I built an android app that helps drivers make more money.
Explain
You basically put the amount you want to make from a trip on my app and it looks exactly like the interface the ride-hailing app uses to show charges. It’ll even show the passenger’s name.
So basically, fraud
Something like that, yes.
Why?
Sometimes, you do long trips in traffic for hours, and the app charges the exact thing it showed in the fare estimates. And they’ll still take their charges. No now, that’s not fair.
But because I easily feel guilty, I only use it when I know the app is about to move mad. Also, I don’t add too much to the price so they don’t suspect.
How did you learn how to build an app?
During 2020 lockdown. I found this android app that teaches you how to build apps. It doesn’t require coding.
Is this app out there for drivers to use?
It’s not on the app store, no. I shared the installation file with drivers I know. Sometimes, I see people on social media complain that a driver scammed them by showing them a fake price. That’s probably one of the drivers I gave the app.
How long do you think you’ll be a driver for?
I should be done before the end of this year [2022]. I’m looking to sign up for a mobile development course. It costs ₦540k. Then I’ll buy a new laptop for ₦300k. I would’ve signed up by now, but I had to spend all my savings — ₦500k — on an engine problem recently. I’ll keep the driving job while I do the course, but once I get my first job in mobile development, I’m done.
What’s one thing you want but can’t afford right now?
I want to emigrate to the US with my babe and son. I think we’d see good career opportunities there.
Can you break down your monthly expenses?
How happy are you? The scale is 1-10
No matter how much people make, they’ll never be content. Right now, me, I’m content. I’d say a 5.
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If you thought your ideas were too crazy to put out there, then you’re clearly not one of the authors in this list. These are actual books for sale on Selar and their titles are killing us.
See for yourself.
Babe, Come Forth
Even if we gave you multiple tries at guessing what this book was about, you simply couldn’t. No, it’s not about ways to call your partner into the room after you’ve tried on a new dress. It’s a prayer book. A prayer book for young unmarried women looking for their God-given partners.
The Urgent 2k Mafian Hack
I don’t even know where to start. Is it the “Mafian” part? Or the fact that this is meant to be a self-help book that gives people tips on how to make urgent ₦2k daily? I need someone who’s read this book to come out and tell me what it says.
Get Naked Before You Walk Down The Aisle
You see this title, and think, “Ou, this person is encouraging premarital sex! Let me see why.” And then you find out it’s just a list of 99 questions to ask someone before you decide to get married to them. WHAT THEN IS THE POINT OF THE TITLE?
Getting Married Without Tears
Fun fact: This book is 45 thousand Buhari naira. According to the author, the book “helps you make the choice that supports your vibrations and mental wellness” so you don’t make the mistake of marrying the wrong person. What the fuck is vibrations? E be like say I go write my own book o.
How I Sued Masturbation
This book is exactly what you think it is — a self help book for people struggling with masturbation. But where did suing come from, please?
BDSM Cheat Sheet
If this Nigerian BDSM guide isn’t telling me to have ata rodo handy for my dangerous sexcapades, I don’t want it.
Heal From a Heartbreak in 7 Days
If you’re a busy person who doesn’t have the time to be sad after a breakup, this book is perfect for you. Heal from heartbreak in seven days and move on. No time for nonsense.
Don’t even ask how I thought about this. But if your mother and her friends had to play truth or dare, this is how it would look.
First things first, opening prayer
The game must be started in the presence of the maker, and there’ll only be religious music in the background. Nobody has time to sin, please.
Alcohol? God forbid
They’d refuse to play the game with alcohol. Eva wine only, please.
Imagine if they pick a card that dares them to do seven minutes in heaven
“My sister, heaven is a spiritual and eternal experience. One does not simply experience heaven on earth. That’s blasphemy.”
Or one that tells them to kiss the person on their left
LESBIANISM? Do you want to die and go to the fiery pits?
Oya, no more dares
Because all the dares since morning have been dares to sin. Let’s not offend the Lord. He’s the only one that can command us.
Truth: Describe your favourite sex position
They’d tell you there’s only one, and it’s the one where they hold on to their husband and as he’s coming into them, they’re praying for him, and they come together as one and then give glory to God. But also, it has to be a missionary. For obvious reasons.
If you’re planning a surprise proposal — like everyone else in the world, apparently — we wrote this for you.
Oh, so you’ve decided to propose
In this economy? Where are you people seeing this money? Were we not singing “Adulthood na scam” together a few days ago? Now, everywhere you turn, it’s pictures of Ikoyi registry.
And it’s even a cheesy surprise proposal
I thought we were all laughing at Instagram surprise proposals together.
All your hard guy in the mud, it seems
Next thing now, you’ll say you want to be loyal. What kind of rubbish is this?
This is your last chance to know that na mumu dey love
Come back to the streets. We miss you.
If you still want to proceed, consider hiding the ring in their food
