• Agbalumo season is here again, and that means we need to address some agbalumo-eating etiquette concerns. So that if you see someone eating it in any of these six ways and you call an angry mob to beat them, you’ll be well within your rights.

    These are the six unacceptable things to do while eating agbalumo.

    1. Slicing it open with a knife.

    No long story, here. Just call the police. That person is a terror to society.

    2. Squeezing their face while eating it.

    Anybody that squeezes their face while eating agbalumo is weak, and must be exposed at once. Ordinary small fruit, you are squeezing your face? Shior.

    3. If they start eating it from the bottom, they’re cultists.

    The only right way to eat agbalumo is by biting it open from the pointy top. If you see someone opening it any other way, they’re a menace and must be treated as such.

    4. If they don’t roll it on the wall and sing.

    Some people want to take away our customs and traditions and we must stop them before they do. If you don’t sing before you open an agbalumo, how will it be sweet?

    5. If they don’t turn it to chewing gum, fight them.

    Simple as A-B-C. The lifecycle of an abgalumo starts as fruit and ends as chewing gum. There’s no other way.

    6. Sucking  only the seeds.

    What happened to the other parts of the fruit? Ehn? 


    QUIZ: What Kind Of Fruit Are You?

  • After four long months, January has finally come to an end. The month that brought us Twitter again, AFCON, Comrade memes, Wordle, Rihanna’s pregnancy and so much more also brought us these hilarious tweets. Enjoy.

    1. It’s painful na.

    2. Kidnappers are now doing surveys?

    3. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

    4. The Nigerian government will stop at nothing.

    5. January was kuku transfer window.

    6. Perfect response, tbh. There’s more here.

    7. I’m Yoruba and I ran out of breath saying this.

    8. LMAO!

    9. Kano people, did he lie?

    10. Women can’t catch a break, and I love to see it.

    11. Greatest of the greatest of the greatest Ife!

    12. Both Tobi Bakre and that horse will never recover from that picture.

    13. Also, what is this analogy?

    14. Asking the real questions.

    15. Things we love to see.

    16. Some people deserve flogging.


    QUIZ: How Funny Are You?

  • Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    Today’s #NairaLife subject decided at 8 that he wasn’t going to ask his parents for money if it wasn’t an absolute necessity. 20 years later, he’s mastered the art of job-hopping and gotten himself to $7,000 monthly.

    Let’s start with your first memory of money.

    I was five years old, and I’d just discovered the art of finding loose change around the house and spending it on sweets. This was 1998. I didn’t think I was stealing, but nobody knew I was taking these monies. It didn’t last long though, because one day my mum saw me eating a snack she didn’t buy for me, and when I told her how I could afford it, she beat me. That was how I started having opinions about money. 

    What were these opinions?

    I figured, if you needed money, you had to make it yourself. I had to ask my parents for money if I needed to buy anything like snacks or a ball, and most of the time, I was told no. Being told no when I asked for money was super frustrating for me, so I decided that I wasn’t going to ask anymore. My goal was to grow up and make a lot of money so I would never have to ask anyone for money again. In retrospect, I realise that things were not so great at home at the time. My mum was a stay-at-home mum, and my dad worked in construction, so they couldn’t always afford everything I wanted. 

    So what did you do? 

    By the time I got into secondary school at eight, I stopped asking for money if it wasn’t for an absolute necessity like school supplies and my standard pocket money. This went on until I finished university. 

    In university, I got between ₦15k and ₦30k monthly from my parents, and that was enough for me. Because I’m introverted, not having extra money didn’t affect me badly because I wasn’t trying to go out or buy something to impress anyone. To make my own money, I tried business but quit after two months. 

    What kind of business?

    Food selling. I had a friend that lived off-campus who would buy packs of food from a restaurant and bring them into school for me to resell at a profit every day. The business was doing pretty well. We bought packs at ₦300 and sold them at ₦500, and we did about 100 packs every day. 

    Why did you stop?

    I got tired because I wasn’t super enthusiastic about business in the first place. Also, the business got popular in school, so competition was fierce. And with food business, if you don’t find buyers, you have to sell at extremely low prices to make sure the food doesn’t go to waste. 

    What happened after university?

    NYSC. I stayed in Lagos and got a “job” at a photography studio where I paid them to teach me photography. Once in a while, I’d follow them to events and get ₦10k, but that was it. After NYSC, I went to the UK for my master’s. At this point, my parents’ finances had gotten better, so they sponsored me through my master’s. 

    I should probably have started asking them for extra money at this point, but I stuck with my decision to be independent. To make some extra bucks in the UK, I took a sales job that had me go from door to door advertising and selling products like window cleaning services. 

    What was that like? 

    It was terrible. I had little to no interpersonal skills, so I was bad at the job. Also, the area where I schooled and worked was very white, so if I was knocking on a white man’s door, that was probably the first time he was seeing a black person in weeks and you could see the confusion on their faces. 

    Having to go past that awkwardness in the first place was hard enough, but convincing them to spend money on stuff they probably didn’t need? I was making £100 a week on average, and it was a terrible wage for the amount of work I was doing. Towards the end of my master’s programme, I got on a run of sales that was so unyielding, I got frustrated and quit.

    What was your plan?

    Right after I finished my master’s in 2017, I started applying for bank jobs and I got a job in the customer service department of a bank in the UK. It paid £1,500 a month. I didn’t stay there for long though, because I returned to Nigeria. Shortly after I returned to Nigeria another bank in the UK reached out to me for a much better role, but it was already too late. 

    Why did you return?

    I wanted to be with my family. A lot of the foreigners that were my colleagues in school were also returning to their countries, so it seemed like a good idea. 

    What did you do once you got back?

    A friend introduced me to Coursera and data science, and I went fully into learning mode. Because I didn’t want my dad to think I was just at home doing nothing, I applied for the graduate training programme for one of the Nigerian banks. I got a callback, and they were offering ₦250k, but I rejected it and explained to my dad that I wanted to learn data science instead. Afterwards, all I did was sit at home and watch data science videos online. 

    By the end of 2017, I got a data science-related job that offered ₦72k for the first three months and then ₦120k afterwards. It was less than the ₦250k I could have been earning at a bank, but I knew getting a job in data science would be good entrance into the field. The salary was the sacrifice I had to pay. With my ₦120k, I fuelled my car, bought data and bought online courses. I saved whatever was left, and when issues came up with the car, I used my savings to fix them. 

    My role at the job was data solutions architect, but because it was a trainee role, I had a lot of free time, so I clocked into work on most days and just kept watching data science videos online. I earned ₦120k until December 2018 when I got a new job.

    What was the job?

    It was a similar role to the one I’d just left, but this time, at a bigger tech company. They found me on LinkedIn. This might be a good time to say that every job I’ve had since I moved back to Nigeria came through LinkedIn. I don’t post anything on there, but somehow, companies keep sending me DMs. The pay for the role was ₦400k. Because this job brought more money, I could afford to move out of my parents’. I got an apartment close to work that cost me ₦120k monthly, ate out every day, and that cost about ₦100k monthly, paid utilities which cost about ₦40k monthly and had a gym subscription which was ₦10k monthly. I saved the rest of the money. 

    Later in 2019, I realised eating out was too expensive, so I hired someone to cook in bulk for me. This reduced my expenses for feeding to about ₦50k monthly. 

    How were things at work?

    I was growing and realising that I needed to earn more. I tried to discuss a raise with my boss, but I was just hearing stories, so I dropped the issue. At that point, I’d made a rule for myself — never spend more than two years at a job because there’s always someone willing to pay you more out there. By April 2020, lockdown happened and my pay was cut to ₦320k. I earned ₦320k until July 2020 when I got another job that paid ₦750k.

    That’s double your previous pay.

    Yup! It was a bit overwhelming. I’d interviewed with the company a few months earlier, and they didn’t pick me because their priority was to hire someone outside Nigeria. When they reached out, they said they were now hiring from within the country, and I’d done well on my tests. After my probation period, they increased my pay to ₦800k. It took some time to get used to earning that much money at a job where I was doing much less work. I didn’t know what to do with the money. Even if I tried, I couldn’t spend all of it in a month because my lifestyle didn’t change. 

    What were your finances like in this period?

    I decided to keep my monthly spendings at ₦300k at the maximum like I did at my last job, so nothing really changed. I stayed in the same apartment, worked from home and did everything almost the same. The remaining ₦500k was going into investments. 

    After a few months earning ₦800k, I started thinking about how I could increase my earnings even more. I was enjoying my job, but I knew there were opportunities for more money out there. 

    Did you find anything?

    Companies kept reaching out to me on LinkedIn, and I kept doing interviews. There was a promising job offer from Dubai in July 2021, which was about ₦4m monthly, but when we got into talking about details, I got scared. They said they were having problems sponsoring visas for Africans, so I needed to sponsor myself to their country first before we made any final agreements. I didn’t like how it sounded, so I rejected the job offer. 

    The next day, another company I’d interviewed for reached out and offered me a job. It was in another African country, so when they asked what I wanted for salary, I asked for $4,000. They negotiated and we agreed on $3,000, but with bonuses, it went up to $3,500. I took the job. 

    Best in job-hopping. 

    When I told my former employer I got a different job and would be moving outside the country to take the role, they told me they still wanted my services. They didn’t mind hiring me as a contract employee, so I gave them a few conditions — I would work from abroad, we would renegotiate my salary, and I would earn in dollars. They agreed, and by the time we were done negotiating, my new pay was $3,500. That brings a total of my current earnings to $7,000 monthly. 

    Let’s do a breakdown of your expenses.

    The rest of the money is split between cash savings and investments. 

    How about a breakdown of the investments?

    30% cash, 20% crypto and 50% stock and real estate, but I’m switching all of this to a fund with a private banker soon. I’m not good at managing money, so it’s best if I have the pros do it. 

    How has your income journey affected your view on money?

    My view on money hasn’t changed a lot over the years. I just see it as a tool to purchase things. Amidst all of this, I’m learning to live with self-doubt, anxiety, and the irrational worry that I could lose my job at any time even if my results at work are excellent. Sometimes, the anxiety gets so bad my productivity drops to zero. But I’m looking to go to therapy.

    Is there something you want but can’t afford right now?

    I found a house here for about $500k, and I’m working towards buying it. I’m considering taking a mortgage and not paying up-front cash. 

    Let’s talk about your financial happiness on a scale of 1-10.

    It’s at a 7. I’m currently satisfied right now, but in a few months, I’m sure I’ll desire an upscale job and leave these two jobs for one that pays more than both of them combined. Getting that and improving my total savings and investments over the next year will get me to an 8.5.


  • The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.


    Today’s subject on Abroad Life visited Seychelles in 2021 and got the shock of her life when the airport officials found out her nationality. She takes us through the ordeal she endured at the airport which went as far as digital privacy invasion and getting her passport seized, and why she decided not to leave immediately

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    When was the first time you decided to move abroad?

    2021. I wanted to go for my master’s in Ireland. I found a school, registered, my mum paid the fees in full, I booked my flight, packed my boxes, told everyone bye. When it was time for me to get my visa, I was rejected. 

    Ouch. 

    The rejection itself hurt like hell, but the reason was what shocked me the most. They said they rejected my visa “for financial reasons”. Now, me I don’t have money like that, but it wasn’t my account statement I put there for proof of funds. It was my mum’s. And my mum is wealthy. Someone later told me the reason could have been that the money in my mum’s account looked unrealistic and that they must have thought we put the money there just for the proof of funds. It still didn’t make sense because we had paid the school fees in full, bought tickets and everything else I needed. 

    What did you do next?

    I booked a vacation trip. 

    Ahan. Funds. 

    LOL. I was alone and crying on the day my visa was rejected when I saw travel tour ad to Kenya on Instagram. I wanted to travel so bad, I put down payment for it. 

    A few days later, I realised I actually couldn’t make the trip because it was happening very soon, so I reached back out to them to send me a refund. As I expected, they didn’t do refunds. Even if they did, a huge chunk of my money would be gone. I didn’t want that, so I told them to find another trip for me. They gave me two options — Maldives or Seychelles. I’d always wanted to go to both countries, but after some deliberation, I ended up choosing Seychelles. There was no special reason. I just figured I’d go to the Maldives another time. 

    How did the trip go?

    It was exciting because I was leaving Nigeria for the first time. I went shopping for clothes, packed a ring light, all my favourite perfumes, everything. When I got to the airport in Lagos, I found out I needed an authorisation letter to go to Seychelles. I called my contact at the travel agency, and he apologised and said it was an oversight, but that if they said I needed it, I did. Normally it would have cost me $50, but because I was already at the airport, I paid $150.

    We took Ethiopian airlines and stopped at Addis Ababa first. It was cold and beautiful.

    I found out why people abroad say Nigerians are a bit “extra” for the first time when some Nigerian girl at the hotel where we stayed raised hell because she didn’t find toothpaste in her bathroom. It was embarrassing. Once I witnessed that, I promised myself I wasn’t going to be that Nigerian. 

    LMAO.

    On the plane to Seychelles, I was the only Nigerian. When we landed, I joined the immigration queue to enter the country. Immediately the lady at the desk saw my passport when it got to my turn, she looked at me and said, “You have to wait”. That’s when the madness started. 

    Madness?

    She took me to a room and asked me to sit. After about 30 minutes, she came back and asked me for the purpose of my visit. I said I only came as a tourist. She left again. 15 minutes later, she showed up and asked me to follow her. 

    She took me to a different place where they checked all my documents again and asked me to show all the cash I had. If I didn’t have up to $1,000 for my seven-day stay, it would be a problem. Thankfully, I had that much money, so I thought that was it and they would let me go. We hadn’t even started. 

    Ah. What happened next?

    They requested to search my box. I hadn’t seen them searching any other boxes, so at this point, all the alarms in my head were ringing, but I decided to stay calm for two reasons — I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to represent Nigeria in a bad light, and I didn’t want them to deport me. There was already an Irish rejection stamp on my passport. Adding one from Seychelles would be bad. When it was time to search my box, I realised I was almost the only one left at the airport. I asked them why they wanted to search my box, and they said it was regular practice. Regular practice? They hadn’t searched any other person’s box. 

    The “search” was so disrespectful. They flung my things everywhere. When I challenged them, they started screaming questions at me. 

    “Who are you here to see?”

    “What did you bring for the person?”

    “Did you come to see your sugar daddy?”

    “Why are you here alone?”

    “How can you call yourself a teacher and be able to afford this trip?”

    “What are you hiding?”

    If they were asking these questions politely, it might have been a bit more human. These people were screaming at the top of their lungs like I was a convicted criminal. Every time I replied, they told me to shut up and not interrupt them because they hadn’t finished speaking. 

    This is a lot. 

    When they didn’t find anything in my box, they asked me to pack it back. At this point, I was holding back tears. Once I packed, they asked me for my phone.

    No way.

    I first started by saying I couldn’t give them my phone, but they said I couldn’t enter the country if I didn’t give them. After some back and forth, they collected it and started going through my emails, WhatsApp messages and Instagram messages. When they were done with that, they went to my gallery to look through my photos. There’s a setting on iPhones that lets you hide pictures from your gallery and another setting that lets you hide the hidden photos from being seen. Omo, they went to my settings, unhid the hidden photos and started going through them. My inappropriate photos. Men and women gathered to look at them. I’d never felt so low in my life. 

    When I couldn’t take it anymore, I rushed at them, grabbed my phone and told them I couldn’t let them look anymore. Then they said they wanted to search me.

    What kind of search?

    That’s the same question I had. If it was going to be one of those anal searches, I would just carry my load and return to Nigeria. There was one woman in the group playing good cop and she told me to go ahead with the search because it was just going to be me walking through a couple of scanners. When I was done with the scan, they said they still weren’t satisfied, so to let me enter the country, they had to seize my passport. 

    At this point had they mentioned what they were looking for? 

    No. I had no choice but to submit my passport. They gave me an official slip to carry around in case I went somewhere that needed me to show my passport, and I could only collect my passport on the day I was leaving. 

    When I apologised to the cabman my travel agency had paid to pick me up from the airport for making him wait for three hours, he said, “Don’t worry. You’re a Nigerian, so I expected it.” I cried all the way to the hotel. In my room, as I lay in bed and cried, I promised myself I wouldn’t leave the hotel premises until the day I was leaving. I called my mum and my boyfriend and told them everything. They were livid, and their anger made me angrier. 

    Did you stay indoors throughout?

    Nope. My contact person at Seychelles was the manager at the hotel I was staying. Great guy. When he found out I was around, he came to welcome me. He knew that because I’m Nigerian, I would have experienced what I did at the airport, so when I brought it up, he was warm and empathetic. He told me Seychellois were not bad people, and it was only at the airport I would experience anything like that. He told me of a Dubai-based Nigerian girl that came to Seychelles for vacation, and after the airport experience, didn’t leave her room for the two weeks she stayed in the country. When I told him I was going to do the same, he begged me to change my mind because Seychelles had a lot to offer. That conversation helped me feel a bit better, but I wasn’t fully convinced.

    What changed your mind?

    Meeting a fellow Nigerian. I heard him on the phone in the lobby and detected the accent, so I kept staring at him until he looked back and said, “Omo iya mi!” I was ecstatic. When we started talking, he asked about my airport experience, and we shared stories about how terrible it was. When I heard his story, I felt a bit better about myself. His experience was much more intense because he’s a guy. 

    We laughed about the airport official babe who started it all and did most of the shouting and jokingly made plans to go and beat her up at the airport or if we ever saw her on the streets of Lagos. 

    I told him I wasn’t going out during my stay, and he said the best way I could get back at them was to enjoy my stay to the fullest. That was when I decided to enjoy myself.

    Does he live in Seychelles?

    He was on a three-week visit, but for a different reason. He was there to submit his résumé at different hospitals so he could find a job. He’s a doctor. It was a secret though because apparently, the reason Seychellois treat Nigerians like that at the airport and seize their passports is that they’re tired of Nigerians visiting their country and not leaving. If they knew at the airport that he was coming in to apply for jobs, they probably would have turned him back. He wasn’t going to overstay his trip though. He wanted to drop his résumé, leave and hope for a callback. 

    Expectation vs Reality: Seychelles edition.

    I didn’t expect to be treated like that at the airport, but every other expectation regarding the beauty of the place was surpassed. On multiple occasions, I was speechless. The natives refer to their country as “paradise”, and I saw why. The beaches were beautiful and bursting with energy and life — people dancing, people getting married, people generally being happy.

    I however didn’t expect it to be so expensive. Everything is expensive — from food to groceries to gift items. I stayed only seven days, but I spent over $1,000. 

    Tell me a bit about the people.

    Generally, Seychellois are nice, warm and welcoming people. However, I didn’t like the men. Most of the ones I came across were absolute perverts. I guess it’s because they see a lot of foreign women. They catcalled me and said all the nonsense you could think of. 

    Sorry about that. 

    Thank you. 

    Was it difficult getting your passport back?

    Not at all. I got to the airport two hours before my flight, so that if there were going to be any delays, I would still make my flight. I was ready to fight. 

    When I got there, I found out another department that handled the returning of passports. They were so nice. They were all smiling, asking me if I enjoyed Seychelles, telling me to come back, that they’d been waiting for me. I was angry. I wanted it to be the same people I saw on the day I got there. My plan before I got there was that once I got my passport back, I would hide it inside my clothes and give that girl a piece of my mind and insult her generations. It pained me that I didn’t see her. 

    Would you go again?

    Everything after the airport was a great experience. It was so good, for a moment, I considered going there again. But no, I can’t go through that ordeal again.


    Hey there! My name is Sheriff and I’m the writer of Abroad Life. If you’re a Nigerian and you live or have lived abroad, I would love to talk to you about what that experience feels like and feature you on Abroad Life. All you need to do is fill out this short form, and I’ll be in contact.

  • If your name is in this article, we apologise for every time people have made a joke with your name, and for all the jokes they’re going to make in the future, but Nigerians really need to learn to stop making these jokes because they’re not as funny as y’all think.

    1. Funke

    “Oya Funke, pakurumo, pakurumo oya jo dada.”

    2. Patience

    “Patience? Hope you’re not wicked like Patience Ozokwor.” Or “Patience? Hope you can speak good English lol. There is God oo!”

    3. George

    “Do you want to be a judge when you grow up?”

    4. Amaka

    “Amaka disappoint o!”

    5. Onyinye

    “Onyinye e e e e!”

    6. Ifunaya

    “ALL BECAUSE OF IFUNAYA!”

    7. Ekaete

    “She don get bele! Ekaete belle!”

    8. David

    “Ohh David! Can you fight? Can you kill Goliath?”

    9. Samson

    “Ah, show me your muscle! Why is your hair not long? Where is Delilah?”

    10. Bolanle

    “Hi my name is Bolanle”

    (Tries to hold laughter) “PEPPER THEM! BOLANLE PEPPER THEM!”

    11. Funmi

    “Ma shey fi mi si le lai lai! Duro ti mi o. Olufunmi o!”

    12. Ada

    “Have you seen my beautiful baby? Ada Ada!!!”

    13. Martha

    “Martha, oh Martha, what’s the matter?” or “Martha? That means you have weight and occupy space lmaoooo.”


    QUIZ: Sorry, If You’re Under 25 There’s No Way You Can Pass This Object Quiz

  • We know you’re tired of endless Zoom meetings and work calls that could easily have been emails. So I’m, the next time someone says any of these things on a Zoom call you’re on, you can have a little chuckle knowing that they’re also probably saying this in the bedroom.

    1. “I think someone else is trying to join.”

    2. “Sorry, my service is bad.”

    3. “Same time next week?”

    4. “Oh, we’re done? That was fast.”

    5. “Is it better now?”

    6. “Can we record so we can watch this later?”

    QUIZ: How Dirty Is Your Mind?

    7. “This can only last 30 minutes unless it’s paid for.”

    8. “We need to round up now.”

    9. “Sounds good. Let’s do it.”

    10. “Let’s skip the formalities and get down to the basics.”

    11. “This could have been an email.”


    QUIZ: Only The Horniest Nigerians Can Complete 9/13 Of This Lyrics Quiz

  • Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    This 32-year-old was able to afford rent for the first time after working for 18 years. He was going to build on that momentum, but a series of unlucky events resulted in a job loss that set him back. Now, he’s at level zero. But you see hope? He’s got plenty of it

    What’s your earliest memory of money?

    1999. I was 9 and on the bus to school, I’d given the driver ₦10 so he’d give me ₦5 change, but he told me to relax because he didn’t have. Because I was seated with him at the front, I watched us go past multiple police checkpoints where he gave them ₦5 each and at some point, I got angry. He told me he didn’t have ₦5. Why was he giving them my change?

    When I challenged him, he said, “God will not allow you to collect this kind of money.” He then explained to me that he had cursed all the money he was giving policemen. If a policeman collected money from him, his children would experience a terrible life. 

    I froze. My father was a policeman. 

    Wow.

    Throughout school and when I got home that day, I was inconsolable. I knew my dad was collecting all of those monies on the roadside, and I automatically assumed that meant I was going to have a terrible life. When my parents noticed I was crying nonstop, they tried to find out what was going on, and although I kept the information for a bit, some persuasion and beating brought it out of me. 

    How did they react?

    My dad brushed off the topic and said I was overreacting, but my mum became almost as scared as me. From that day on, every chance she got, she brought up the matter with my dad. 

    Shortly after, it was New Year’s day and my family had the tradition of talking about our achievements in the past year and plans for the new year. When it was my dad’s turn to speak, he stood in the centre of our living room and announced that he would no longer collect roadside bribes. What this meant was that our family’s finances were going to take a terrible nosedive. My mum barely made any money selling planks at the market, and the regular policeman’s salary is terrible. For context, his salary when he retired in 2018 after 35 years of service was 110k.  If they combined the money to take care of four children, it would be almost nothing. He told us that it didn’t matter what we needed any money for, we had to wait till the end of the month to ask. If he couldn’t afford it, we would wait till the end of the next month. You could feel the joy in the household, but omo, the financial nosedive was real and fast. 

    Tell me about it. 

    Our finances got so bad, I had to start hawking when I got home from school. I was only 10. I’d hawk soap, minerals, kerosene and anything we could buy cheap and move fast. On some days, I stole ₦50 out of the ₦800 profit we were meant to make just so I could buy sweets. Other than that, I wasn’t getting any other money. 

    I hawked till we moved to our own house in Ibadan. The house was incomplete, so my entire family of six stayed in one room, but it was home. The problem, though, was that it was in the middle of nowhere. There was only bush everywhere, and you had to walk 30 minutes before you saw the next house. 

    Luckily, shortly after we moved, the area opened up and constructions started happening left, right and centre. Because I was older, I decided to join the workers on the construction site, and that’s how I started working. 

    What did you do?

    I did everything they needed me to do — carried cement, mixed sand, ran errands, fetched water, mixed cement, everything. I got paid ₦500 every day I worked. On rare occasions, I went to flour depots and helped load bags of flour into trucks and off the trucks when we got to the bakeries they were delivered to. That one paid ₦800 per day. I worked mostly on weekends, but sometimes I skipped school to work. I was making money just so I didn’t have to ask my parents for money. 

    How long did this go for?

    I stopped in 2008 when I left home. I finished secondary school in 2006 but didn’t get admission into university immediately. By the time I’d stayed at home for two years, I started to feel like my life wasn’t moving forward, and staying at home made me sad, so I went to stay with a friend who was in university in Abeokuta. I wasn’t making any money, I was just living with him in his school apartment. Sometimes, I went to class with him, other times, I stayed back and slept. 

    In 2009, I got admitted into university to study philosophy, but because the only thing I’d heard about philosophers was that they didn’t believe in God, I rejected the admission. I was still aiming to study law no matter what. I left my friend’s school and went to stay with another friend. I did this also in 2010 with another friend, and by 2011, I got another admission to study linguistics. 

    What were your family’s finances like in this period?

    They were a bit better. Between 1999 and 2011, my mum went to school, acquired a  secondary school leaving certificate and became a teacher, so she was earning a bit more. 

    I got admitted to a federal university, so my school fees were about ₦4,000 per year, and hostel fees were about ₦5,000. My parents handled the finances in this period. By the time I was done with university, I realised I needed to start making money fast because I was responsible for taking care of myself. 

    So what did you do?

    In the year before NYSC called me, I moved to Lagos to stay with a relative and started a second-hand clothing business. My friends from home would tell me to buy clothes for them because they trusted my fashion taste, so I’d go to Aswani market, buy quality second-hand clothes and send it to them. I was making peanuts, but it was something. The business grew bigger through referrals and for a short period, I even sold online. 

    What happened next? 

    NYSC came in 2016 and deployed me to Abuja. Luckily, I’d made some acquaintances in the clothing business that connected me to some Chinese cloth sellers online, so I moved from selling second-hand clothes to new ones. Here’s how my business model worked: I got pictures of what the Chinese people had in their stock, posted the pictures online, and when someone ordered, I told them it would take five to seven days to be delivered. If they agreed, I took their money, sent it to the Chinese guys, they shipped it from China in 4-5 days and someone from the airport helped me dispatch it to its destination. I never saw the goods or stocked them. 

    I moved from selling just clothes to selling clothes and shoes. I was making about ₦70k a month from the business in addition to NYSC’s ₦19,500 and the ₦50k I got at my PPA for a sales and marketing role. Because I couldn’t afford rent anywhere in Abuja, I stayed in RCCG’s corper’s lodge for the entire year. 

    Were you saving all of your money?

    No. I’m the firstborn, so immediately I started making money, I became the one in charge of taking care of my siblings. Two months before I finished NYSC, I got fired from my job because my boss wanted better results. I wanted to stay in Abuja, but I still couldn’t afford rent, so after NYSC, I moved back to Ibadan and continued the online sales business until 2018. 

    Why did you stop?

    By 2017, everyone was selling shoes and clothes, so the space was saturated and my average monthly income had dropped to about ₦60k. As if that wasn’t enough to discourage me, I hit a big loss in 2018.

    What happened?

    I bought ₦350k worth of goods, and the guy who helped me transport and dispatch them got robbed while moving them from the airport. He gave the goods to a cart pusher and the cart pusher disappeared into the crowd. 

    Whoa. 

    Thankfully, some of the people that bought the goods were regular customers, so they let the money go when I explained. That totalled about ₦150k. Because I didn’t have so much savings, I had to run around for the extra ₦200k to pay the other people back. When I was done settling the debts, I concluded business wasn’t for me anymore, so I stopped and started looking for jobs. 

    What kind of job did you find?

    I found a facility manager role that paid ₦50k in 2018. It was in Lagos, and I didn’t have anywhere to stay, so I slept in one of the facilities I was managing. It was just a tiny space. In January 2019, I got employed as facility manager by another company that paid ₦90k. 

    A few months into the job, I supervised a POP installation that came crashing down two days later. My boss told me I didn’t do a good job supervising and pinned the cost on me. ₦600k. I had ₦300k in savings and he added ₦300k for the refund but took it out of my salary. For most of 2019, I earned ₦50k monthly. 

    That’s tough.

    To make ends meet, I started telling people I did interior decoration. As a facility manager, I was already in the line of work that involved renovating properties, so I figured it would be easy for me to do those kinds of jobs. By the end of 2019, I got my first gig to renovate some parts of a three-bedroom apartment. They paid upfront, and my profit was meant to be about ₦200k. On the last day, when one of the boys I hired was installing the TV, it fell and broke. The TV was ₦450k. I begged and begged for mercy, and when I told them my profit was only ₦200k, they asked that I transfer it to them. I didn’t make any money from the gig. 

    That sounds tough. Please tell me 2020 was better.

    I was supposed to start earning my ₦90k back at the start of 2020, but by March, lockdown happened, and they cut my salary by half. Throughout 2020, my salary was ₦45k. 

    In 2021 though, it returned to ₦90k, and that January, I got my second interior decoration gig through a friend of a friend. 

    Tell me about it.

    It was the interior decoration of a duplex on Lagos Island. It was much bigger than the first one. I made ₦1.6m in profit. It felt really good. For the first time in my life, I rented an apartment in May 2021. Rent was ₦350k but agent fees pushed it up to ₦600k. I spent another  ₦600k to buy essentials like a bed, a chair, a table, to make the space habitable. From the rest of the money, I bought a laptop to learn programming because I decided that I wanted to go into tech. Making money also put me in a better headspace to look for a new job. 

    Did you find one?

    I found two. They were both facility manager roles. The first one was going to pay ₦150k, but I heard that they owed salaries for months, so I rejected their offer. When I got the second one in August which was also going to pay ₦150k, I rejected it because I had started learning programming and needed all the time I could get to focus. At my current job, I already understood how things worked and how I could avoid work if I wanted to. If I took a new job, I would need to show up every day and be at my best for at least six months before I could start slacking, and I didn’t have that time. Rejecting the offer was the sacrifice I made to become really good at programming. 

    How’s that going?

    On October 20, 2021, I was on my way to work when a group of people cornered me and robbed me. I struggled for my laptop with them, so they stabbed me in the face, took it and left. Because of this, I couldn’t work for the rest of the year, and I had to do a surgery in December. 

    My boss paid me for November, but after that, he terminated my contract. The surgery cost about ₦300k. I had ₦200k out of it myself and borrowed the other ₦100k. 

    What are your finances like now?

    Haha, I’m at zero. I currently survive solely on the goodwill of others, and whatever money I get, I spend on food and data. My brother sent his laptop to continue my programming training, so I just stay at home and do that. I still look for both facility manager and interior decor jobs too, and if one comes, I’ll take it. When my rent expires, that’s when God will have to step in. 

    How have your recent experiences shaped the way you think about money?

    Going forward, my goal is to earn enough money to save through emergencies. I’m happy that my family is surviving by themselves now that I can’t assist them financially. My parents can take care of themselves, and that makes me happy.

    What’s something you want, but can’t afford right now?

    Japa money. I’m tired of living in this country.

    I hear you. Can you rate your financial happiness on a scale of 1-10?

    I’d say it’s at a 4, and that’s because of the ₦1.6m I made last year. Every time I remember I made that much money, it makes me happy and hopeful. If not for that, it would probably be a 1.


    Update: Upon requests from readers, we’ve created a payment link for people to donate to the subject of this story. Please find it here.

  • The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.


    Today’s subject on Abroad Life struggled settling in Germany after moving there in 2021 because he realised he was scared of white people. He also tried to date a white person. It didn’t end well. 

    When did you first decide you wanted to leave Nigeria?

    Until I got my job here, I didn’t think I was ever going to leave Nigeria. To me, the major ways people left Nigeria were through education and employment, and I didn’t see either working for me. 

    Why? 

    I spent eight years studying engineering at a federal university in Nigeria. Two of those were extra years. When I eventually got out in 2018, it was with a third class. First of all, a master’s abroad was out of the question. I figured I’d be wasting my time applying with my academic history. Secondly, I didn’t even think I was going to get a job in Nigeria, talkless of abroad. 

    So how did it happen?

    I started writing full-time for a tech reporting company I started writing for in school. That was the only job I thought I could get at that point, so even though they didn’t pay me well, I stayed. That same year, I found tons of free resources online and started learning how to code, and that’s what changed my life. 

    Tell me about it. 

    I stuck with my writing job and did programming on the side until 2019 when I got my first gig as an Android developer. Getting the job gave me a boost, and I kept on learning. In 2020, I got a better job as a software developer, and at that point, my confidence had grown so much, I started applying for jobs abroad. 

    I love it. 

    For months and months, I got rejected by big companies like Netflix, but I didn’t stop applying until one day in 2020, I got a mail from a company in Germany saying I qualified to move to their interview stage. 

    The interviews and tests took about a month, and by the time we were done, they told me a requirement for taking the job was that I had to move to Germany. I had no problems with that. 

    What did moving feel like? 

    For someone who didn’t think they could make it abroad, it was surreal. I’m big on the idea of moving to places that are infrastructurally better than wherever I currently am. I grew up in South-Eastern Nigeria and got tired of how underdeveloped it was, so I moved to Lagos. Germany was a huge step up from Lagos. 

    Expectation vs Reality: Germany Edition. 

    I moved here in January 2021, and for every expectation I had of Germany, my mind was blown because I saw that it was better. I expected the regular stuff I’d seen online, but the cities are finer,  the transport system is easier to use than I thought, and the general quality of life is actual quality. The only thing that stresses me out is the internet. The internet quality sucks. 

    Was it easy settling though?

    Because I didn’t know anyone, it was difficult. My diet for the first few weeks was bread and peanut butter, and pizza because I had no clue where to get food from. Germany was on lockdown for the first few months of 2021, so integrating into society wasn’t so smooth. I also had to learn to use the transport system by myself during the first few weeks because when you get to Germany, you have to register yourself into the system like a university fresher, taking files from place to place. Doing all of that alone was stressful as hell, and it didn’t help that I was scared of going out. 

    Why? 

    I was terrified of white people. Everything I’d heard on the internet about being black in a “white man’s country” gave me the impression that I was unsafe. If I was passing a group of white people and they said something or laughed, I’d get agitated and think they were talking about me. Whenever I was out, I felt like something bad was going to happen to me just because of my skin colour. 

    Damn. Did you experience any actual racism?

    Not really, no. The closest I experienced to discrimination was when I went to a public office and the old man at the front desk refused to attend to me because I couldn’t speak German. It caused a scene, but people eventually intervened and someone else attended to me. 

    How did you overcome this problem?

    When I realised it was becoming too much of an issue, I decided to be intentional about the type of content I consumed. I stopped reading news about white on black crime and taking in any content that would make me more scared of white people. At the time, I was watching “Dear White People”, so I stopped that. 

    Another thing that helped was going to my work office. Because of the lockdown, I worked from home for the first six months of my arrival. When we were finally able to go to the office, working with white people helped me realise they were just people like me and there was nothing to be afraid of. 

    Nice—

    Oh, and I also tried to date a white person. 

    What?

    I downloaded a dating app, coincidentally connected with a white person, and after talking for some time, we decided to go on a date. It wasn’t a date per se, we just strolled around the park and looked at ducks. 

    How did it go?

    It went well at the early stages, but at some point, I started to feel a bit awkward. I hadn’t fully recovered from my fear of white people, and here I was on a date with one. I think my awkwardness was obvious and they noticed, so they left. 

    Ouch. Did you guys talk after?

    They texted me on the dating app again, but I ghosted them. It would have been too awkward. 

    I’m still on the dating app looking for partners, and if I find another white person, I’m willing to give it a shot. It’s been seven months since the last incident, and I think I might be better now. 

    What’s your favourite part about living in Germany?

    I feel safe. I can go out whenever I want and be sure I won’t get hurt. You can’t get that in Lagos. I’ve also made a lot of good friends here — mostly Nigerians — and because we’re all German residents, we’ve travelled together a couple of times. 

    Where did you go?

    Spain, France and Austria. 

    Tell me about these places. 

    We went to Spain and France in the summer. Spain was hot and rowdy like Lagon on some days. Barcelona was teeming with tourists. I’m pretty sure Barcelona residents hate the summer because there are so many tourists, they almost can’t have a normal life. 

    Paris was dirty. The popular tourist attractions were nice, but generally, the place was dirty. I also saw a lot more black people than I imagined I’d see. 

    Austria was unremarkable because we couldn’t do anything or see any places. We went in the winter, so it was super cold. Maybe I’ll go another time. 

    What are your plans for the future? 

    I don’t know if I want to become a permanent resident here. I think I want to move to London where the language isn’t a barrier, but that’s a decision for much later in the future. For now, I’ll stay here, get better jobs and earn more money. 


    Hey there! My name is Sheriff and I’m the writer of Abroad Life. If you’re a Nigerian and you live or have lived abroad, I would love to talk to you about what that experience feels like and feature you on Abroad Life. All you need to do is fill out this short form, and I’ll be in contact.

  • At the core, men are simple creatures. No matter how different we look, speak or act, we all have a ton of similar traits and things we do when nobody else is watching. I might get kicked out of the homies group chat for revealing these secrets, but these are the things that every man has done (or constantly does) at some point in their life.

    1. Check his browser history. He has googled what the average penis size is.

    And he has probably googled it multiple times. Who knows? The average size might have reduced since last week.

    2. At some point, every guy has thought they lost one of their testicles, panicked, and then found it again.

    Those three seconds before finding it are the scariest three seconds of a man’s life.

    3. If someone leaves a poop stain in the toilet, guys will aim for it while peeing to try and clean it off.

    And people say men don’t do domestic chores.

    4. When back home from shopping, guys ALWAYS try to take everything inside in one trip.

    Anything more than one trip is slavery. We need to get back to what we were doing.

    5. Every guy has a preference for which side they keep their penis. (Left is best.)

    No arguments here, please.

    6. Every guy taps his pockets to ensure his phone, keys and wallet are there before they leave a place.

    This is why we never forget anything.

    7. When they were younger, they used to tuck their penises behind their legs and pretend to be women.

    Don’t lie o. You did this.


  • If you’ve been on Twiter in the past couple of days, you must have seen a couple of tweets about one Maduka Okoye, Nigeria’s goalkeeper. If you’ve not, let’s bring you up to speed: People are lusting over the Super Eagles goalkeeper because he’s an absolute beauty. I mean, just look at this tweet:

    And this one too:

    So, because we like chaos, we’ve decided to look through all the teams currently playing AFCON to find more eye candy for you people to lust over. Thank us later.

    1. Maduka Okoye, Nigeria

    I mean, just look at him.

    2. Sebastien Haller, Ivory Coast

    A lot of you are about to start supporting Ivory Coast now.

    3. Riyad Mahrez, Algeria

    If Nigeria faces Algeria, please don’t lose focus.

    4. Alex Iwobi, Nigeria

    Omo.

    5. William Troost-Ekong, Nigeria

    Omo x500.

    6. Semi Ajayi, Nigeria

    If this one is Semi, imagine what full Ajayi will look like.

    7. Nicolas Pepe, Ivory Coast

    Arsenal always has fine players. Maybe you should start supporting them.

    8. Achraf Hakimi, Morocco

    Who knows how to get to Morocco, please?

    9. Saïd Benrahma, Algeria

    Algeria again? Ah!


    QUIZ: How Attractive Are You On A Scale of 0-10?