Family favourites are one of those things children sense long before anyone says it out loud.  We spoke to Nigerians about growing up in families with a clear favourite child, the moments that made them realise it, and how the dynamic continues to shape their relationships with their parents, siblings and even themselves today.

“My parents left me to fend for myself abroad” — Sindara*, 30, F

Sindara’s older brother has always been the star child of the family. She shares how her parents’ constant doting and his entitlement have driven a wedge between them.

“I have two siblings, and although my parents love us all, it’s clear my oldest brother is their favourite.

He was the smartest of us in primary school, so my parents constantly showered him with gifts and affection. The rest of us also got rewarded when we did well academically, so the favouritism didn’t become glaring until our teenage years.

My immediate older brother and I got sent off to boarding school, but my oldest brother stayed home as a day student because my mum insisted boarding schools didn’t feed children properly. She couldn’t bear to send her first son there. 

That preferential treatment made my brother insufferably entitled. He knew he could sway our parents to his side, and he used that power whenever he liked. 

Things became worse after secondary school. The academic gap between us had closed by then, and I got a 75% scholarship to study my dream course in the US. My brother became jealous because he tried and failed to get the same opportunity. He had to settle for a public university in Nigeria.

In 2023, he finally got into a master’s program in the US. My father had to sell some property to pay his fees because he couldn’t secure a scholarship. His entire program was funded by our parents. Meanwhile, I practically suffered my way through school abroad.

The shared resentment has brought my immediate brother and me much closer, but it has also created distance between the rest of the family and us. These days, I only speak to my parents when I need to send them money, and for my sanity, I only talk to my eldest brother when I need to. 

The worst part is that my brother genuinely doesn’t think he’s given special treatment; he thinks it is his right as the firstborn. It’s very annoying.”

“I thought my parents didn’t like me” —Temitope*, 30, F

Temitope recalls being treated so differently from her siblings that she became independent early on to protect herself.

“I noticed early on in childhood that my younger sister got treated differently.  I wasn’t even the first child, but my parents always prioritised her needs over mine.

One moment that stayed with me happened during my third year in university. My phone got stolen, and when I called home, my parents either didn’t believe me or didn’t care enough to help. I went three months without a phone until I hustled and bought another one myself.

Meanwhile, when my sister’s phone went bad, they replaced it within two weeks. Situations like that happened often. I’d need things for school and not get them, while my other siblings rarely lacked what they needed. Over time, I started believing my parents didn’t like me as much. 

I love my siblings, but whenever I talk about my childhood,  the repressed memories and the trauma I still carry, they struggle to relate, despite having the same parents.

That experience forced me to become independent very early in life. I hustled to get everything I needed. 

Today, I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I work,  pay my bills, and I’m self-sufficient. But I still notice the difference in treatment. There are things my parents still do for my siblings that I know they wouldn’t do for me.

I’ve forgiven them because I believe they raised me the only way they knew how, but there’s still an emotional gap between us. I call maybe once a week and visit about once a year. 

I can’t really depend on them emotionally, but I still support them and my siblings however I can.”

“We’re cool, but I still resent them“ — Nnadozie*, 34, M

Nnadozie’s sister was the apple of his parents’ eye. He shares what it was like being sidelined for her comfort.

“My mum babied my younger sister because she was her only daughter after three sons. At the time, it felt normal. She was constantly defended, did fewer chores, and received special treatment because she was the ‘baby of the house’.

A few years ago, I needed money for a project and begged my parents for a loan. They claimed they didn’t have any money. That same week, they sent my sister almost ₦200k for a friend’s wedding in another state. I was stunned.

Today, we’re cool, but there’s still underlying resentment for my parents. I think favouritism harms everyone involved, including the favoured child. One person grows entitled, while others grow up feeling unseen.

Now that I’m a father, I’m very intentional about treating my children fairly because I’ve seen how long childhood wounds can survive.”

“I became a chronic overachiever” — Timi*, 26, F

Timi says she became obsessed with success and accomplishments because it felt like the only way to earn attention at home.

“My dad openly preferred my younger brother because he was the child he had after he finally became financially comfortable. The rest of us grew up during the struggling years, but my brother entered the family when life became softer.

The difference in treatment was impossible to ignore. I remember reusing old textbooks and hearing things like, ‘Manage this one till next time.’ But my brother only needed to mention wanting something once, and it appeared almost immediately.

I don’t even think my parents realised how obvious it was. He was the youngest, so we all doted on him. But what affected me most wasn’t the material things; it was the emotional ones. My biggest successes only got me a pat on the back, while his smallest wins were given fanfare.

That environment turned me into a chronic overachiever. I felt like I constantly had to prove myself to get attention. It also sparked unhealthy competition between my siblings and me throughout our teenage years. 

I’m on good terms with my parents now because I understand they were dealing with their own struggles, too.  But forgiveness doesn’t magically erase emotional distance. Deep down, I know who they love the most. I’ve accepted my ranking for peace to reign.”

“My mum felt I was stronger than my younger brother” — Samuel*, 33, M

After losing his father at a young age, Samuel says he was forced into the ‘man of the house’ position. 

“I realised early that my younger brother was the favourite because the rules in our house bent around him. After my dad died, everyone suddenly expected me to become a man overnight. I was only 15. Meanwhile,  my brother, who was 12, still had room to grieve and behave like a child.
One moment I’ll never forget happened during my final year in university. I needed money for my project, but my mum said she was too broke to help. I had to take up a part-time job at a cyber cafe to raise the money myself.

That same week, my brother casually offered to lend me money. I later found out my mum had just bought him a generator for his off-campus apartment because he didn’t like staying in the school hostel. Mind you, he was just in his first year. 

That moment made me realise I was on my own.

It affected my relationship with my family differently. I didn’t hate my brother, but I found it hard to forgive my mum for a long time. I withdrew emotionally because I felt she wasn’t as invested in my success as my brother’s. The upside is that I became extremely independent. Now, as an adult, I never ask her for help. She’s my only surviving parent, so I still take care of her. But I know she’s more dedicated to my brother than me, and I’ve accepted it.”

“My sister is the favourite because she never argues” — Kehinde*, 31, M

Kehinde shares how his sister’s agreeable nature made her his parents’ favourite and how that has affected their bond.

“In my family, favouritism was tied to obedience. My sister became the ‘good child’ because she was gentle, religious and never challenged my parents. I was more outspoken, so even when I made valid points, they saw it as disrespect. 

We’re twins, so I think my parents expected us to have similar personalities, too. Ironically, even though she’s their favourite child, I’m still her favourite person.

The difference in treatment became clearer during our NYSC year. I served outside our home state against my parents’ wishes and struggled financially in camp. When I called home for help, my dad spent almost 30 minutes lecturing me about becoming a man, listening to my parents and figuring life out myself. 

Meanwhile, my sister, the ‘good child’, served and lived at home. Anytime my parents gave her money, she secretly split it in half and sent some to me. It drove them crazy.

They accused her of encouraging my rebellious ways, but they could never be mad at her for long. 

My parents and I still aren’t very close, but my sister and I will always be locked in for life.”

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