Growing up, Aishat* (36) imagined marriage as this soft, beautiful thing where it was just her, her husband and their children against the world. Seven years into marriage, she says parts of that dream have come true. Her husband is loving, present and deeply committed to their family. But there are also parts of him she never saw coming. 

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about marrying a man she genuinely loves, learning to live with his intense spiritual beliefs and why love alone isn’t always enough to sustain a marriage.

This is a look into her marriage diary.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.

I entered marriage expecting love, peace and a happy family life

I used to imagine marriage as this beautiful thing where it’s just me, my husband and our children. No unnecessary drama, just all of us watering our love and building a good life together.

Back then, my idea of marriage was heavily shaped by storybooks and romantic movies. Everything always looked so beautiful and perfect. The husband and wife would grow old together, travel with their children, make money together and just genuinely enjoy each other.

Even as I got older and became more realistic, I still held on to that hopeful picture. I knew life wouldn’t always be perfect, but I believed that if two people truly loved each other, they would always find a way to survive difficult moments.

My parents also strongly influenced that mindset. They’re still married today and, honestly, they still behave like people who are newly in love. As children, we hardly ever saw them fight. It was only when we got older that we started noticing cracks here and there. But even then, what stood out more was how intentional they were about protecting their marriage.

So I entered marriage believing that, even if problems arose, two people who really loved each other could always find a way through them. And that’s what matters most.

My husband surprised me in ways I never expected

One thing marriage has taught me is that people can still surprise you, even after you think you know them well.

One of the first surprises I got was my husband’s libido. We had been intimate while dating, so it wasn’t like sex was unfamiliar to us. But marriage made me realise this man was on a completely different level.

Those first few months were honestly overwhelming for me. It wasn’t that I disliked intimacy, but my body simply couldn’t keep up. Sometimes I wanted to meet his energy mentally, but physically, I was exhausted.

I remember crying to my mum once and telling her I was scared I wouldn’t be able to satisfy my husband properly in marriage. I even worried that I might eventually push him outside the marriage if I couldn’t keep up with him sexually. 

Looking back now, it sounds funny because my mum immediately offered to speak to him to “calm down”. I quickly refused because there was no way I was going to let my mother have that conversation with my husband. Eventually, things balanced out naturally. I adjusted over time, and he also calmed down compared to those early years.

But sex wasn’t the only thing that surprised me about him.

After we had our first child, I also discovered how obsessed he was with fatherhood. My husband genuinely adores children. There were moments he wouldn’t even want me carrying the baby because he wanted to spend time with him himself. We would jokingly start counting who had spent more hours with the children. That side of him softened me a lot because it showed me another layer of the man I married.

At the time, those were the only surprises I thought marriage had in store for me. I had no idea bigger and more uncomfortable discoveries were still coming.

I had to tolerate his interest in traditional spiritual practices 

The one thing nobody prepared me for was navigating my husband’s relationship with spiritual protection.

The first time it happened, we were still newly married. We still had separate wardrobes then, and one morning, I opened his wardrobe because I wanted to get one of his perfumes. That was when I saw a white bowl hidden inside.

Out of curiosity, I opened it and found soap with cowries inside it.

I remember feeling instantly unsettled because I had never seen anything like that around him before. When I confronted him later, he explained casually that it came from his Islamic cleric and that it was for protection.

At the time, I tried not to overreact. I even mentioned it to my dad, expecting him to be alarmed, but he also brushed it aside. He simply said this life isn’t for the weak and asked if I expected my husband not to spiritually protect himself and his family. After that conversation, I convinced myself to stop worrying about it. But over time, more things started happening.

My husband would occasionally come home with different concoctions or spiritual items that made me uncomfortable. Sometimes he would offer them to me, too. At first, I accepted because, after all, he’s my husband and I trusted that he wouldn’t intentionally do anything harmful.

The issue became more serious when the children became involved. One weekend, he took the children out, and when they came back home, I noticed fresh incisions on their wrists and chests. I was shocked. He explained that it was for protection, but that explanation didn’t make me feel any better.

That incident changed something for me emotionally because it stopped feeling like just one of my husband’s personal beliefs. Suddenly, our children were part of it too.

And the difficult thing is that outside of all this, my husband is genuinely a good man. He’s loving, attentive and committed to our family. So there are moments I even question myself and wonder if maybe I’m overthinking everything.

The biggest fight in our marriage started because of our children

The worst argument we’ve ever had was after I discovered he had given the children those incisions without informing me.

I was furious because I felt like something that serious should never happen without both parents’ agreement first. But from his own perspective, he felt attacked immediately.

He kept saying I was behaving as though he wanted to harm his own children and reminding me that they were his children too. That fight dragged on for almost two weeks.

I didn’t want to involve my parents or turn it into a family issue, so instead, I quietly spoke to my own Islamic cleric. He told me their father had not harmed them, but advised me to increase prayers for the children. He even gave me a drink for them.

Ironically, when my husband found out that I had also consulted another cleric, it created another argument entirely.

Eventually, we involved his parents. But honestly, I can’t say there was any major resolution. His family understood why I was uncomfortable, but they also understood where he was coming from, because apparently, those kinds of spiritual practices are normal in their family.

In the end, I realised there was no clean victory for either of us. I couldn’t completely fault him for wanting to protect his family, even if I didn’t agree with the methods.

Now, I mostly try to avoid conflict over it. And to be fair to him, he has adjusted in his own way, too. He no longer leaves items around carelessly, as he used to.

Marriage has made me more tolerant, diplomatic and cautious

Marriage has changed me in many ways.

I’ve become far more tolerant than I used to be. Sometimes I even wonder if it’s too much tolerance, because there are situations I probably should react to more quickly, but instead I spend time trying to manage things peacefully.

I’ve also become much more diplomatic in the way I speak. My mum used to accuse me of being too blunt and not knowing how to say things gently. That habit affected my marriage a few times early on, but now I’ve learnt to read situations better before reacting.

Motherhood has changed me, too.

Before marriage, I never imagined myself slowing down professionally or putting my personal ambitions on pause. I had already started building something for myself before I got married. But after having children, especially after my second, it became difficult to fully focus on my own goals as I once planned.

I haven’t abandoned myself completely, but I’ve accepted that, for now, most of my energy is going into my children and my family.

Loving someone is important, but it’s not enough to sustain a marriage

I don’t think love alone is enough for marriage.

Love matters a lot, of course. But I think people also need responsibility, patience, emotional maturity and stability for a marriage to survive long term.

As much as I love my husband, I still expect him to be kind, responsible and emotionally present. Those things are equally important.

Love may be the foundation, but other things are what help the marriage keep standing when real life starts happening.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.