Toibat* (37) never romanticised marriage. As a child, she watched a cousin enter what looked like a miserable union, and the memory stayed with her for years. So when marriage eventually came, it was less a dream and more something she handed over to God. 11 years later, she says one of the biggest shocks of her life came after she was already pregnant and discovered the man she married had far more baggage than he admitted.

This is a look into her marriage diary.

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I never really dreamed about marriage

I didn’t grow up as one of those girls who fantasised about marriage or couldn’t wait to become somebody’s wife. In fact, I didn’t really like the idea of marriage for a long time, and it was because of something I witnessed when I was young.

One of my cousins used to stay with us. At some point, a man started coming around often. Whenever he came, both of them would be excused somewhere private, or they’d disappear into another room. I was young, so I didn’t fully understand what was going on, but I remember one thing clearly: she never looked happy or excited whenever he came.

A few months later, they got married. In the first year of that marriage, she used to come to our house almost every weekend. She went from being chubby and lively to slim, withdrawn and looking unwell. As I got older, she started opening up to me more, and I realised she wasn’t in a happy marriage at all.

Watching that changed the way I saw marriage. It made me doubtful about whether I even wanted it for myself.

Still, I also knew marriage was one of those things my parents saw as inevitable. They always spoke about it as if it was a normal next step. So even with all my reservations, I mostly just prayed about it and handed it over to God. Marriage was one of those things I believed God would sort out for me.

I found out my husband had more children than he told me

Marriage has come with many surprises, but if I had to name the biggest one, it would be discovering that my husband had more children than he admitted, and finding out only after I was already pregnant.

When I was first introduced to him, I didn’t even like him. I thought he was too old for me. It was my aunty who matchmade us, and when I complained, she dismissed my concerns. She said it was better to marry a man who was already established than men my age who were still trying to find their footing. My mum agreed with her.

Eventually, I decided to give him a chance. As we got talking, he told me he had one child from a previous relationship. He explained that it wasn’t really a proper marriage, more like cohabitation that ended badly. I appreciated the honesty and moved forward with him.

What I didn’t know was that there were three other children with different women. When I eventually found out, I was already pregnant.

I can’t even explain how betrayed I felt. It wasn’t about the children themselves. It was the deception. All he kept saying was that the mothers had kept the children away from him, as though that was enough explanation for hiding such a major truth.

If it were left to me, I would have walked away immediately. But I was pregnant, and once families got involved, the pressure became intense. Everybody kept saying the same thing: what mattered was that I was the one he married. That I was the legitimate wife. That I shouldn’t throw away my home because of children born before me.

It wasn’t something I forgave easily.

I had to accept a reality I never wanted

The first time I truly questioned whether I was prepared for marriage was after I found out about those children. I kept asking myself what exactly I had entered.

I didn’t want any reality where I would be a stepmother. And to make it more awkward, I’m only about three years older than his first child. Imagine being in that position or trying to navigate respect, boundaries and family roles in that kind of setup.

I also came from a background where I’d already seen how complicated homes can become when there are multiple children from different women. My father wasn’t polygamous, but his elder brother was, and that family was always unsettled. So I was scared.

But I had to think about many things at once. First was my pregnancy. I didn’t want to become another woman he had a child with and then left behind. Second, despite everything, he is a good man in many ways. And then there was pressure from older relatives on all sides, telling me not to make an emotional decision.

They kept saying I was the only woman he had actually married, and that I shouldn’t throw everything away. Eventually, I accepted the reality in front of me, even if it wasn’t the one I would have chosen.

Nobody warned me how hard stepmotherhood would be

One thing no one warned me about is how difficult marriage can be when there’s a big age gap.

My husband is about 16 years older than me, and it shows in many ways. We have different interests, different energy levels, different ideas about urgency and different ways of seeing life. So a lot of our marriage has involved trying to meet somewhere in the middle.

That didn’t happen overnight. There was a lot of misunderstanding, mistakes and learning as we went along. He also had to adjust and learn to see things from my perspective. But even harder than the age gap has been the stepmother role.

I don’t even like describing myself with that title, but it is what it is. The strange thing is that it was only after marrying me that my husband suddenly became more intentional about being in his children’s lives. They started visiting more often. The youngest one even spends school holidays with us sometimes.

It has been difficult navigating that dynamic.

Sometimes I correct a child for misbehaving, and even if I do it gently, it can feel like I’m being cast as the wicked stepmother. Other times, all the children are together with their father, and I feel like an outsider in my own home. My own children are still young, so even they sometimes feel sidelined.

My husband tries to balance everything, but it isn’t always easy for him either. His firstborn and I especially don’t always see eye to eye. Maybe because she’s female, maybe because we’re too close in age, I don’t know. There have been times my husband has had to caution her for being rude. There are also times he feels I overreact.

So yes, it’s all been one long learning curve.

We fight about respect, sex and his children

We’ve had many arguments over the years, and the topics keep changing depending on the season of our marriage.

At one point, we spent months fighting about respect. He believed I didn’t show him enough respect in public or around strangers. I completely disagreed. It became a cycle of heated words, silence and tension. In the end, there was no grand resolution. We just got tired and moved on.

Another major issue has been sex.

Even though I’m the younger one, I’m the one with the lower libido. Between caring for two children, running my business, managing the house, and sometimes accommodating his visiting children, sex is not always top of mind for me.

To make matters worse, he doesn’t like using protection. I’ve also refused several birth control options because many of them don’t agree with my body. So I’m expected to relax and enjoy intimacy while worrying about pregnancy. It caused serious issues at some point, to the extent that he reported me to an older family member to intervene.

Then, of course, there’s the issue of his children.

If I complain about rude behaviour, he gets defensive. If I ask him to prioritise funds properly, he may interpret it as me not wanting him to care for them, which is not true.

Through all of this, I’ve realised there is no one formula for resolving conflict in marriage. Sometimes an apology works. Sometimes it’s silence, and there are times when all you need is space from each other. Other times, you simply wait until both people calm down enough to hear each other.

Marriage has made me more tolerant and more anxious

Marriage has definitely changed how I see myself. I think it has made me more tolerant, maybe even too tolerant. Because of the things I’ve had to absorb in my marriage, I now find myself enduring a lot in other areas of life, too. Sometimes I delay putting my foot down because I’m used to managing discomfort. I’m not always sure that’s a good thing.

Motherhood and marriage have also made me more caring. I used to be a bit aloof, not because I was wicked, but because I naturally minded my business. Now I pay more attention to the well-being of the people around me. I think more about others. At the same time, marriage has made me an overthinker.

I worry a lot now. I analyse situations too much. I imagine problems that haven’t even happened yet. It can be exhausting and sometimes makes me anxious.

As for whether love is enough, I don’t believe so. If you ask many people who have stayed married for years, not all of them will say love is the only reason they stayed.

Love matters, yes. But it’s not everything.

In my own marriage, love is not the only reason I’m still here. My husband is understanding in many ways. He is financially capable and responsible. He cares about family and shows up where it counts. Those things matter too. Marriage is rarely sustained by love alone.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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