After years of quietly navigating her sexuality, Esther* (19) thought she had found a safe space in a close friend. But when that relationship took an unexpected turn, she found herself at the centre of a scandal that forcefully exposed her identity.

In this episode, she shares how she’s coming to terms with her sexuality and the lessons she’s learning along the way.

What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m single. I moved to a new country, so I’m focused on adapting and understanding my sexuality better. If I meet someone, that’s great, but it’s not a priority.

How did you get here? Walk me through your love life.

I was 12 when I had my first real crush on my seatmate, Angela*. Even at that age, I knew it was deeper than friendship.

I was curious about my feelings and spent some time researching on Google. That’s how I discovered queerness.  I eventually told Angela how I felt, but she just wanted us to remain friends. The rejection was hard, especially because I was raised Catholic and already felt conflicted about liking women. It made me feel even more guilty.

For a while, I tried to balance my feelings with my religion, and it was confusing. By the time I turned 15, I met Timothy* and decided to try dating boys.

Tell me about Timothy.

We met through mutual friends on Instagram and bonded over our shared interest in architecture and design. We could talk for hours about things we didn’t discuss with anyone else.

A few weeks into our friendship, he told me he liked me, and I went along with it. Looking back, I think I agreed because I wanted to feel normal. Most of my friends had boyfriends, and I felt like I should, too.

But after a while, I realised I was bored. It didn’t feel genuine; it was only out of guilt. I ended things about four months into the relationship.

What happened after that?

Not much for a while. I had several crushes in school, but nothing serious came out of them until I developed feelings for Aisha*, someone in my friend group.

We met after I became close with Olivia*, one of the first people who knew about my sexuality. She also liked girls, and by SS2, she started dating Aisha. Olivia talked about her a lot, and the three of us soon became very close. We spent a lot of time together, and Aisha and I started building our own friendship.

As we got closer, I developed a crush on Aisha. At first, I didn’t think much of it because we were all friends, but my feelings became harder to ignore.

Did that affect your friendship with Olivia?

In a way. Aisha confided in me about how Olivia treated her. She could be emotionally abusive and sometimes body-shamed her, and Aisha was too scared to confront her.

I supported Aisha, and that created distance between Olivia and me. They eventually broke up, but by then, Aisha and I were already very close.

Did you tell Aisha how you felt?

At first, I kept it to myself. But by the second term in SS3, after some time had passed since her relationship with Olivia, I confessed my feelings and made it clear I didn’t expect anything. Before she could even respond, I got dragged into a case that almost got me suspended from school.

What happened?

Someone created an anonymous Instagram account that posted gossip about our classmates, and I was right at the centre of it. The posts specifically listed girls I’d had feelings for and included details I had only ever told Olivia in confidence.

The account quickly gained attention around school, and I immediately suspected her because of how specific the information was. I created a scene in front of my classmates and said things I shouldn’t have, including threatening to drag her across the corridor.

She used my words against me and reported me for bullying, claiming I created the account myself to frame her.

That sounds messy.

It was. She fabricated screenshots to support her claim, and I couldn’t prove she was responsible. It turned into a serious disciplinary case.

The school management kept pulling me out of class for questioning, and I risked suspension or expulsion. I was also preparing for my SATs and planning to study abroad, so everything was on the line. My parents eventually got involved.

Yikes. Were you able to resolve the matter?

We agreed on a different explanation for the crushes situation. That left the bullying allegation, which she eventually dropped after some of my friends pleaded with her.

But even though the school bought our story, I was outed to all the students.

I’m sorry. That must’ve been traumatic.

It was. Even though my classmates were supportive, the experience made me withdraw. My friendship with Aisha became strained, and I was too scared to act on my feelings for anyone after that.

I kept to myself until we graduated in 2023. Moving to the US for school later that year felt like a huge relief.

Have you tried dating since moving abroad?

I’ve met a few people, but it hasn’t been easy. Where I reside is predominantly white and conservative, so it’s hard to find people I can connect with.

When I first arrived, I met a white guy at a school event. He seemed very nice, and we even took a drive in his car. But I got uncomfortable after a conversation about school children killed by gun violence.. He sounded indifferent, then mentioned he carried a gun in his car. I didn’t feel safe, so I stopped talking to him.

Towards the end of last year, I met Ada* through the international community. She was Nigerian, and we bonded easily because we had a lot in common.

I developed feelings for her, especially after I found out she liked me too. But I didn’t pursue it because she was still struggling with her sexuality due to her religion. She also tried to push some of her beliefs onto me, which felt hypocritical. She wasn’t ready to take me seriously, so we fell apart

I’ve done some introspection since then and realised I’ve spent so long in fear of my queerness that I’m still quite shy about what I want. Now that I have more freedom, I want to explore my identity properly and figure things out on my own terms.

Sounds good. How have these experiences shaped your view of relationships?

I’ve learned that as a queer Nigerian, you have to be very careful about who you open up to. More importantly, you need to understand yourself if you want to build a relationship that lasts. Back home, there’s a lot of toxicity around queer relationships, so it’s important to know what you want and stand by it.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

I’d give it a 6.5/10. I enjoy my life as it is, and I’m focused on making more friends while adjusting to my new environment. 

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