Two weeks ago, the girls on our X (FKA Twitter) space had a Sex Unplugged conversation and spilled the tea. The discussion focused on everything women need to know about sex, whether you’ve been having it or not. The girls weren’t just giving tips on what to do or not do, they were debunking myths.
Elizabeth Adewale, a certified Holistic Sex Educator (CHSE), our fantastic speaker, came with all the facts and corroborating examples. We were also joined once again by Hannatu Asheolge, Journalist and Co-Convener of the Sarah Project who seamlessly moderated the session.
We’ve already acknowledged that sex education for both children and adults is non-existent. Most of what women have are fear induced conversations initiated by our mothers and strangers when periods begin. Most women don’t even understand the anatomy of their reproductive and sexual organs.
While we’re not getting into that today, we will be sharing 6 things you should know about sex, to optimize your experience and secure your chances of getting that big O.
1. Pornography Is Not The Standard
Our speakers are as honest and transparent as they get. So, when Elizabeth told us her first learning experience with sex was pornography, we weren’t surprised. Because for most women, it’s probably the same thing. Elizabeth is also quick to tell us that pornography sets unrealistic standards and expectations for women. Most of which will be difficult to unlearn by the time women become sexually active. It’s better to read up on things and experience things for ourselves before getting into it. If you’d rather not have the experience for any sort of reason, speak candidly to people who have and get to know what sex is really like.
‘’I would watch movies and fast-forward to the sex scenes. But it gave me a lot of unrealistic expectations that I had to unlearn. It was one of the reasons why I decided to become a sex educator.’’- Elizabeth Adewale
2. Your Virginity and Body Count Don’t Count
A lot of women don’t like to talk about sex or even have sex because of the stigma around body counts and virginity. If we’re being honest, no one cares, at least not someone who respects your autonomy as a woman. Many women limit their sexual experiences because they worry about perception. How would their partners see them if their body count was above 5 or 10? What happens if he finds out she’s not a virgin? What if you have sex with more than one person and get an STI?
It doesn’t work like that. If society is getting into your head and you’re beginning to feel bad for moving around like a man, don’t.
‘’I believe the body count conversation is a social construct, just like virginity. The conversations are about control and judgment. A woman’s value should be based on respect and compatibility, not a number.’’- Elizabeth Adewale
3. The Choice To Have Sex Is Yours
While we’re advocating for women to exercise free will and get under the sheets, we understand why some people won’t want to. Faith and religion are huge deciding factors in the lives of a lot of people. So, if you’re holding back and being patient for spiritual reasons, let it be that. Don’t hinge your decision to wait on social purity culture or because you expect your husband to appreciate you more. And while you’re at it, don’t shame women who choose to have sex, for not making the same choice as you.
Another choice related issue Elizabeth speaks passionately about is consent. As women, the ball is also in your court to say yes or no to whatever it is you want to do. Going to a man’s house does not mean you want to have sex with him. Having multiple sexual partners doesn’t mean you want to have sex with everybody. And if you can’t remember what happened after a drunken night, you probably didn’t say yes.
‘’Let your choice be driven by your values and not fear or shame. A lot of people talk about waiting till marriage and how they thought things will be different for them, maybe not have fertility issues or they would enjoy sex more, but it doesn’t work like that. ‘’ -Elizabeth Adewale
‘’Consent education is still lacking. Men still think that if a woman goes to their house, she wants to have sex with them. That no means convince me.’’ -Elizabeth Adewale
4. Blood Won’t Always Flow
While we’re on the topic of virginity, Elizabeth tells us that not all women who have sex for the first time will bleed. When penetration occurs and the hymen breaks, there won’t always be blood. She emphasises that a lot of people still believe in seeing blood because they don’t understand how a woman’s body works. The hymen can break and expand through a range of activities and even then, we probably still won’t see anything.
‘’I have women messaging me that their hymens didn’t break and their husbands or partners are leaving them. The hymen can stretch through physical activities.’’ -Elizabeth Adewale
Read Next: Toilet Infection Isn’t Real, But These 6 Women’s Health Issues Are!
5. Get to Know About Contraception And Protection
The only way to really protect yourself from pregnancy and STIs, is abstinence. Only if you’re not thinking about contraceptives and protection. Elizabeth emphasises on the need for women to explore more contraceptive options beyond the morning after pill and get regular STI screening. You’re not going to save yourself from the consequences of unprotected sex by sticking to one partner or using unrealistic contraceptive methods like drinking salt and water. Poor choices cause real harm, so it’s important to make informed decisions before diving in.
‘’I made a post on TikTok about how salt and water does not prevent pregnancy and I had hundreds of comments from women saying it worked for them. That is the level of misinformation that we are dealing with.’’ -Elizabeth Adewale
6. You Are Supposed To Enjoy Sex Too
Another thing Elizabeth emphasised on during this space, was the need for women to know their bodies and more importantly, what they like. The conversation around pleasure and orgasm is largely focused around men and honestly, we’re not here for that. Women aren’t quick to talk about what they like in bed, because they want to avoid coming off as promiscuous or being tagged an ‘Ashawo’. Not that anything is wrong with being a sex worker. Our speaker encourages women to talk about the things they like with their partners and ask for it. If your partner isn’t listening to what you have to say, chances are he’s probably selfish and doesn’t care about you. Women shouldn’t just have sex for reproductive causes. It’s a pleasurable activity and one we should all benefit from.
‘’Men are allowed to talk about sex and have multiple sexual partners. They don’t like it when women talk about sex. I think it’s because they’re scared of comparisons. That the woman will compare them to other people.’’ -Elizabeth Adewale
Listen to the conversation here, to hear more from Elizabeth!
Also Read: The Pull-Out Method vs Contraceptive Pills
