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  • “Valentine’s is coming, Valentine’s is coming!” Well, it has come and gone and we’re still here. For those of you that didn’t allow us rest with posts of your teddy bears and chocolate, we hope you’re proud of yourselves? We recently realised that some of you are still on this love thing one week later, instead of focusing on your hustle. That doesn’t sit right with our spirit. To help you regain focus, we compiled a list of songs to remind you that the hustle is real and it’s time to jazz up. 

    1. Dangote — Burna Boy 

    If the richest black man and a Grammy award-winning musician are still out on these streets grinding for more money, alaye, who are you? But you’re here celebrating Valentine’s even after one week? You must be a joker. 

    2. No Lele — Wizkid

    You know the ginger is real every time Wizkid starts to call street names and Local Government Areas in Lagos. If you’re in doubt, look at his other songs like Ojuelegba and Surulere. No Lele reminds us that just like every other up-and-coming artist, people told Wizkid he wouldn’t come. But look at Big W today, he came! If you know what’s good for you, omo, you better draw inspiration from the man. 

    3. Jaga Jaga — Eedris Abdulkareem 

    This song is chaotic and violent AF, but honestly, it should be the first song you listen to every morning. Even though it’s been like 500 years ago since it first dropped, our man Eedris told no lies and we’re still living through most of this shit today. Listen to it, understand that Nigeria is out to kill you, and please find a way to survive the jaga jaga by making plenty money. 

    4. Gone Far — Zinolesky 

    In this life, having a good heart and diligent work spirit is cute, but you know what’s cuter? Having funds. In Gone Far, Zinolesky reminds us that money cancels nonsense, so unless you want to face nonsense every day, we suggest you drop that lovey-lovey thing you’re still doing and get your hustle on. 

    5. Never Stopped — Buju 

    This is the most ajebo hustle song on this list and we blame it on how sweet Buju (or is it now BNXN) voice is. Please, can you explain why you’re resting now after you’ve come so far? Do you want your village people to laugh at you? You better wake up and put in your 15 hour shift. 

    6. Double Your Hustle — Orezi 

    The title alone is explanatory. Jazz up.

    7. The Money — Davido 

    In this song, Davido introduces us to the three important Ls: Lowo, Lola and Lalafiya. They loosely translate to: “I want to have money”, “I want to be wealthy” and “I want peace of mind”. Notice how money is the first thing? That whole talk that money can’t buy happiness? Lies from the pits of hell. Crying in a private jet and crying in a danfo in Iyana Oworo traffic, which one do you prefer? Hm? We thought so too. 

    8. Koroba — Tiwa Savage 

    Please, if you came to this life to suffer, kindly raise your hand so we can avoid you in peace. Savage was not playing on this song, and while you’re jamming to it, we advise you also listen to the lyrics and fix your hustle so you don’t leg-work your way into poverty. 

  • You’re looking for Valentine up and down, but how many of the possible 199 words to be gotten from “VALENTINE” can you get in 2 minutes?

    N.B: The quiz will accept a correct answer once you type it out.

    Type all the words you can make from VALENTINE:

  • Since true love is hard to find this Valentine’s season, we’ve decided to assist you by opening up a celebrity relationship just for for you.

  • Valentine’s Day is coming. And since it seems like single people are not included in the plans, here are eight important things you should do if you’re single on Valentine’s Day 

    1) Delete all social media apps 

    Every year, “me and mines” terrorise us from Easter, all through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Do you think they will not cause you pain, suffering and gnashing of teeth on the day allocated for the celebration of romance? Just delete all your social media apps, if not, whatever you see, take it like that. 

    2) Text your ex 

    If it could happen to Rihanna, it can happen to you. Text your ex and see where it leads you. Maybe your story can finally change and you’d do Happy Valentine’s Day 2023

    3) Steal people’s Valentine’s Day packages 

    Consider it reparations for all that they do. At least they can hold each other while you hold their gifts.

    4) Pray 

    Even if no one loves you, at least they’re always saying there’s someone “up there” that loves you. Open your heart and pray like you’ve never prayed before. 

    5) Sleep 

    If you can’t go on a date in the physical realm, might as well sleep so your the partner of your dreams can wine and dine with you. All hope is not lost, dear. 

    6) Check your blood pressure

    All the constant thinking and tensioning isn’t good for your heart. Since Valentine’s Day is commonly represented by a red heart, you might as well check and make sure it’s working properly. 

    7) Hustle

    Make money so that you can at least console yourself with the fact that your bank account is fatter than theirs. The money you’d have spent on Valentine’s, you can use it to buy stocks. Work smarter, not harder, or whatever it is they say. 

    8) Read Zikoko 

    No matter whether you’re single or taken, Zikoko dey for you. You don’t have to ask us; we’re already your Val. You can spend as many hours as you want with us on our website. 

    If you are not single and you need help planning a Valentine’s Day package for your partner, click here

    [donation]

  • With Valentine’s packages including things ranging from a small child to a Range Rover, it really is the little things that matter. We’ve got  some suggestions on things that should be added to increase the value of a Valentine’s Day package for your partners. 

    1) Therapy 

    A lot of people in this country need help. Unhinged fellows that divine intervention can’t help. Therapy sessions need to be included in Valentine’s Day packages. At least that way, all your red flags will turn green. 

    2) Bitcoin 

    Who says you can’t put cryptocurrency inside Valentine’s Day package? So what if the money is not physical? You people should find out how to make it happen. Also, the package should not cost more than 2k. Things are already hard enough, please. 

    3) Orgasms 

    Trying to get an orgasm can be stressful and time-consuming. So, if you’re not trying to make everyone’s life easier by bottling orgasms and selling it in Valentine’s Day packages, then you should keep your package to yourself. 

    4) Citizenship 

    Ticket out of Nigeria is not enough, they need to start adding abroad citizenship. Help us please; times are hard.

    5) The will to live 

    Life is tough and people are tired. Help us to help ourselves. If you don’t add the will to live, who’ll be alive to buy the Valentine Day package?

    6) Ticket to heaven 

    Nigeria is bad enough as it is, why will anyone take their chances with hell? Na ticket wey no dey cut we want now o. Please, give us a chance to enjoy eternal rest. 

    7) Back-up partner 

    Just in case the partner you spend this Valentine’s Day with starts to misbehave, there should be one that is willing and ready to continue from where the former one stopped.  At least that way, there will always be a partner that will buy you Val gifts.

    If these things won’t make the best Valentine’s Day package, we don’t know what will.

    [donation]

  • Valentine is almost here and yet again, Nigerian men are bound to be on the unfair end of the gifting scale. The cycle of giving a lot and getting little in return has to end this Valentine.

    What do you give a [stingy] woman who has everything? We have ideas.

    1. Bagco bag.

    Image result for bagco bag

    You might not be able to handle all her emotional baggage, but Bagco will never let her down.

    2. Wet lips.

    Image result for coloured lip gloss nigeria

    A closed mouth is a closed destiny. You have just gifted her something that will lead to her acceleration in life.

    3. Hand mirror.

    Image result for hand mirror

    When you give this to her, play “Jowo” by Davido: Look into my eyes oh, baby jowo. The way she will run to hug you ehn! Hmm.

    4. Wig cap.

    Who knows, the wig cap could be her secret charm into BBNaija this year. Nengi that wore it in the house kuku knew what she was doing.

    5. Hardener.

    Image result for transparent nail polish

    You are making her nails hard, not her life. She should appreciate this.

    6. Tights/Stockings/Pop-Socks.

    Image result for tights

    You’re helping her look sexy on a budget. What else could she possibly want?

    7. Greeting card.

    Image result for valentine greeting card nigeria

    Shebi she said words of affirmation is her love language? It has not changed. Buy greeting card and speak her love language to her.

    8. Back scratcher.

    Image result for back scratcher nigeria

    You cannot promise to touch the deepest parts of her. But you see this back scratcher? It will touch her in places even you cannot reach.

    9. Rubber.

    Image result for rubber for threading hair

    Natural is the way, and that’s why you are giving her this to help her journey. Sorry if your babe is on gorimapa. Maybe buy her Damatol.

    10. Pumice stone.

    Image result for local pumice stone nigeria

    You’ve just saved her the cost of going to the spa for a foot scrub. This right here is an eternal subscription to a DIY pedicure, all natural.

    11. Dunlop slippers.

    Image result for dunlop slippers

    For when her journey in life becomes too hard. Let her remove her high heels and wear this one.

    12. Hair bond.

    Image result for scrunchies

    Somebody is bound to provoke her into fighting. She’ll use this scrunchie to pack her hair so they don’t pull it and win.

    13. Ludo.

    Image result for ludo game nigeria

    Give her something else to play with, in case she decides to play your heart.

    14. Two Indomie and one egg.

    Image result for two indomie and one egg nigeria

    One egg is now N50 in the market. If she does not appreciate it, then she is not worthy of your affection.

    NB: Whatever happens between you and your girlfriend after you give her any of these gifts, you people should not call my name abeg. I’m busy shaving my own Valentine’s gift.

  • It’s a few days to Valentine, and you’re still very single. Now, instead of planning a romantic Sunday, you’re considering going to church for the first time in years. While that sounds “fun”, here are six steps you can take to make your neighbor fall in love with you.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    1. Play loud music in the middle of the night

    If they come to knock and complain, apologise and tell them that you’re having trouble sleeping. They’ll surely stay up with you and, if you’ve ever watched porn, you know how that goes…

    Both of you after

    2. Lure them with food

    Whenever you’re making something nice, bring all your fans together and try to blow the smell in the direction of their house. Food will surely lure them your way.

    How you’ll end up because food is sweet but you’re sweeter.

    3. Leave your doors open

    If you’re getting desperate, just leave your door open. You’ll come back and meet them standing guard, and that can spark a conversation.. If they steal your things sha, please, don’t @ us.

    If we can’t see it, it didn’t happen.
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4. Help them pack their clothes on the line

    Even if you didn’t wash, always be on the lookout for rain. You might get wet in the process but Nollywood has shown that this is a tested and trusted way to make them fall for you.

    Rain romance nwantiti.

    5. Man up and ask them out

    You will not die if you speak up. Before someone will post that “valentine is coming” video and you breakdown in a bus because shyness didn’t let you be great.

    It’s time to revoke your membership card abeg.

    6. Go to a Babalawo

    This should always be your last resort, but love is clearly more important than safety. Do you think babalawos are fake? Just ask Astor

    You can’t say we haven’t done anything nice for you.

  • It’s that time of the year where couples are checking their account balances and wondering if they are willing to go broke just to buy a gift and single people are wondering if going to Shiloh is a tad dramatic. Let’s take a look into your future and tell you what you’ll be doing on Valentine’s Day.

  • Thank God Valentine has come and gone and we can finally hear word and see road again.

    With all the hype and social pressure, some of us may have overspent and are now fervently looking to our Accounts department at work for help.

    If this sounds like you fear not, I have some tips (that have worked for me in the past) to ensure you survive the rest of the month because I care about you.

    1) Pack lunch to work:

    I have noticed that when I don’t eat out, I save more money. Depending on how convenient it is to get to work, this is a proven and tested method that has worked for me over and over again and saved me after a spending spree.

    Easy to carry your food.

    2) Cut off luxuries:

    It’s funny how when I am broke, yellow buses don’t seem that bad. N1,200 Uber vs N200 Yellow bus. N200 bus wins every time until my next payday then I get to misbehave again.

    yellow bus danfo Valentine Zikoko

    3) Soft interest-free loan:

    When all fails and I remember I didn’t partake in the crime of killing our Lord and personal savior, I just reach out to family and friends that can float me until payday. Whatever I do, payday loans with interests are a red flag because imagine paying interest on top of borrowed money that may scatter finances for the coming month.

    Valentine counting money

    4) Track every Naira:

    I enter frugal mode meaning every single note is accounted for. No dashing money to people, no impulse buying. Just accounting and prioritizing all the cash on me until salary comes.

    5) Consider a side hustle:

    Continuously growing broke is a driver that has motivated me to not be dependent on a single source of income. It is always an eye-opener that it’s time to double the hustle.

  • Valentine’s day is coming and Nigerian men are tired of the boxers agenda that has been making the rounds since 90B.C

    As part of our C.S.R, we have curated a list of affordable yet sweet gifts for the sweet man in your life.

    1) Sandals:

    You definitely do not need to break the bank to make your Nigerian man look as sweet as he has the potential to be. Imagine this paired with freshly laundered native, he will forever thank and love you.

    For less than N10,000, your man can be the sweetest today.

    2) Native attire:

    Your Nigerian king deserves only the best and you should treat him as such.

    3) Perfume:

    You can never go wrong with perfumes, and you don’t have to go over N10,000 before you find something that makes him smell like a million bucks.

    4) Bracelets:

    One of the best-kept secrets is by how much a man’s appeal is boosted by bracelets and other essentials. The beautiful part is they don’t cost too much.

    5) Sunshades:

    “See my dark shades on like I can’t see you but you know say me fancy you.” – Oluwaburna.

    Everybody has pictured how badass they look in a pair of sunshades walking down the road. The beauty is that there are relatively affordable sunshades out there that will do the trick.

    If he uses prescription lenses, you can throw in cool frames as a gift.

    6) Shoes:

    From sneakers to corporate shoes, the list is unending, The options are limitless.

    7) Shirts:

    Casual clothing, formal wear, pls. The list is too much and many are not overly expensive.

    8) Gadgets:

    Earphones, headset, new charger, new USB cord, new laptop battery, new fitness watch. Again? Not too expensive gifts.

    9) Skincare products:

    A couple that moisturizes together glows together. From lip balm for harmattan, to hand lotion, to body lotion to even shampoo. Depending on how willing he is, you can even throw in face cleanser and a face mask.

    10) Pay for his DSTV subscription:

    Don’t let him miss his favorite football matches or shows. Subscribe for either his DSTV, Netflix, or GoTv.

    In the spirit of love, we present Zikoko’s blind dating where we link up strangers and send them on an all-expense-paid date with the hope that something kicks off from there.

    Don’t believe me?

    Watch the trailer below: