2020 ended with a lot of “I/She said yes.” If you want your own testimony to come soon, then it’s time to start dating seriously. This quiz knows how many relationships you will have to endure this year.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife *Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones.
What’s your earliest memory of your partner?
Yinka: It was in 2005, and we were both in university. A choir was formed for a school event, and we both joined. I remember he was skinny and a little light-skinned.
Kayode: Light-skinned and skinny? Na wa oh. Tough crowd. We went to the same university, shared a couple of mutual friends. In fact, my first-ever girlfriend, Kemi*, was friends with Yinka.
Yinka: We are still friends. Before I married Kayode, I had to ask her for permission. Can you believe she even forgot she dated him? She’s married now though.
Kayode: I honestly don’t get why you had to ask for her permission. We dated a long time ago.
Yinka: Believe it or not, she was my go-to person for all things you when we started dating.
So, how did you guys move from university friends to husband and wife?
Yinka: After graduating, we followed each other on Twitter and Instagram. In November 2016, we met again after school at his ex’s wedding. He dropped me off at my destination.
Kayode: I remember us taking a picture together that day. Little did we know we’d end up together.
Yinka: Life. That day, when I got home, I realised that I couldn’t find my power bank and I buzzed him on IG to help me check his car. We never found the power bank, but it seemed to open the communication window for both of us.
Kayode: We were both in relationships back then, so it was nothing serious. Mostly me asking about job openings at the company she worked in.
Yinka: That was in 2016 and by then, I was flying solo. Meanwhile, he was still in a relationship. In fact, in 2017, Kayode proposed to his girlfriend and we all congratulated them.
The plot thickens. What were you doing during that period?
Yinka: In 2018, I left the country for a job. One day, he replied my IG story with “Looks like you’re not in the country anymore.” I told him that I had japa-ed and he started talking about how he was trying the express entry programme but having problems with IELTS. I encouraged him.
Kayode: All this while, we never saw each other.
Yinka: Yes. He was still buzzing me about IELTS and blah, blah, blah. In May 2019, he asked for my number. Before giving him, I explicitly told him not to call me and he did. I was perplexed.
Do men listen?
Kayode: LMAO. Sometimes we do.
Yinka: He called me on my birthday and sang for me. I think it was from there his “Hellos” became regular. In July, we had a long conversation. Apparently, he thought I was married, not even sure why.
Then he spoke about his relationship and how it ended some months ago. I was trying to resolve things, telling him that if he’s been with someone for eight years, surely they can sort out whatever differences they have. It was a long-ass call.
Wait. Kayode was with his ex-girlfriend for 8 years? Why did things end?
Kayode: Things didn’t work out as we planned. So we had to go our separate ways.
Yinka: They didn’t go their separate ways oh.
Girl, lay this gist down, your hubby is being a hard guy.
Yinka: I’ll get to it. In August 2019, I moved to a new apartment, and he wanted me to carry him along on how that was going. We ended up talking and I finally opened up about my last relationship, which was in 2016. We got closer. I had to ask him one day if he fancied me.
Kayode: I told her I did but didn’t want to get burned, so I was taking things one step at a time.
Yinka: I reached out to Kemi and she was like, “He broke up with his fiance,” and I had to reiterate that I had absolutely nothing to do with that. Kemi said Kayode was a good guy and I was like, “We’ll see.”
Were you scared that you were a rebound?
Yinka: I’ll admit that I was sceptical that he was ready to move on. Emotions can be fickle, and I didn’t want to get caught in that mess. One evening, I asked him if he had moved on from his ex, and he said he wasn’t going back there so why stay stuck? I laid down my conditions because I wasn’t about to become the rebound girl.
Kayode: To be fair, I already had my rebound with a 3-night stand. I knew you deserved better, so you were never a rebound to me.
Aww. I am curious about the conditions you laid, Yinka.
Yinka: It was long-distance and he had talked about some issues in his previous relationship that I hoped would not be repeated. I wanted to know if he could do long-distance without copping some on the side.
All our past experiences forced us to be more intentional in our relationship.
So, for how long did you guys date before getting married?
Yinka: A year but marriage was already in the works by December 2019. It didn’t come without its issues though. We started dating in September 2019, but he said he couldn’t let his ex-fiance know he was in a relationship. Excuse me, sir, what?
Ah. Kayode, an explanation would make my life better right now.
Kayode: I didn’t handle the situation well. I didn’t know how my ex would take it since we shared mutuals with Yinka.
Yinka: I tried to be empathetic because it must have been hard to date someone for eight years, get engaged and even do an introduction only for things to end. I was like, I understand, but I really didn’t understand. I was plagued with guilt every now and then, and Kayode didn’t make it easy.
Yinka, Why did you feel guilty? It wasn’t your fault they broke up, right?
Yinka: Yes, but they could have worked things out if pride didn’t get in the way. Plus, he was with me but holding on to her.
Kayode: I didn’t want to put our relationship out there so it didn’t come off as me rubbing it in her face. In doing that, I didn’t consider Yinka’s feelings. I wasn’t holding on to my ex, I just couldn’t deal with things face-on because of the situation.
Yinka: It’s the little things. When I see your exes name saved as “*Ife luv”, it made me wonder if you were sure of who you wanted. It didn’t help that she was always putting cryptic messages on how she was jilted. I had to confront him. Are you sure you didn’t do more than you said you did?
Kayode: I didn’t intend to hurt you when I sent you that message with her name saved as “Ife luv”. It was carelessness on my part. I was also not trying to hide anything and it was an error on my part for not putting your feelings first.
Yinka: In my opinion, you should have created boundaries. You should have let her know you had moved on and allowed her to heal instead of checking in and sending her cash at will. It created the impression that you were readily available to her which was unnecessary.
Okay, guys. We need to back up. What happened with Kayode and his ex-fiance?
Yinka: So, his family had issues with some things she put up online, and it created a rift that dragged from 2017 till 2019. She said she couldn’t deal with them anymore, and he said his family was important to him. It was a mutual separation, but she always made it seem worse online.
OMO. How did she react to you guys’ engagement and marriage?
Kayode: There was no communication between us, so there was no need to know her position. We have moved on to a brighter future.
Yinka: Oga, what are you saying? Kayode that went to the UK and came back with gifts for the second wife [the ex] because the home must be kept balanced. He will come and now say she knew he was travelling.
Kayode: This was before the whole boundary issues came up.
Yinka: Babe, you’ve had boundary issues since September 2019.
Kayode: By March 2020, we settled all the boundary stuff na.
Yinka: Really? Must be nice.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Yinka: Kayode is skipping pages. He didn’t let her know he was in a relationship. He must have told her when he handed her the things he bought for her.
Kayode: I thought we had passed to when everything was settled.
Yinka: When I came to Nigeria in December 2019, I found out that oga had been playing doctor and saviour for his ex. Giving her cash and tending to her needs. I was divided. I know he is a great guy, but he didn’t know when to draw the line. And it was worse because he saw nothing wrong with it. He kept saying, “I will handle it my way,” and that hurt my feelings.
So, he never told you when he did stuff for his ex while you guys were dating?
Yinka: Nope.
Kayode: Ah babe. Yes. I even asked if it was okay to assist her.
Yinka: What about the days that you would have loved to visit?
Kayode: At least I made you know. It was naive of me because I thought you understood.
Yinka: If I understood, we wouldn’t have the back and forth of doing things your way.
Let me cut in and ask, Yinka, how did you find out he was doing these things for his ex?
Yinka: I can be the FBI.
Kayode: But I wasn’t hiding anything.
Yinka: Na so. That same December, one guy followed me on Instagram. I started probing the guy because I didn’t believe he just followed me randomly. Turns out he and Kayode had some issues when Kayode was still with his ex.
It was after I showed the guy a blog post with Kayode’s picture that the guy realised that we were together. The guy told Kayode’s ex, and she went on a rampage, cursing him. I felt guilty because I had unknowingly set the ball rolling.
I didn’t say anything malicious, I just wanted to know why the guy followed me. Anyway, Kayode ended up sending his ex money after that. He’s such a nice guy.
LMAO. This is so messy.
Yinka: It gets worse. After accusing Kayode of digging into her life using that guy, she went online to say a bunch of things. She spoke about an ex who claims to have moved on yet is still trying to probe into her life.
I was so confused because she did all these things and still collected money and gifts when Kayode gave her. I get she was hurting but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she made reference to my person.
Oh no, she didn’t!
Yinka: She insinuated that he was only with me to leave the country and called him a demon. This happened in March 2020. By then, Kayode and I were taking marriage counselling classes. I wanted him to block her on all platforms and create boundaries because she was saying a lot of things online.
Kayode: This is why I didn’t want our relationship out there. It’s because of all this unnecessary drama.
Yinka: Then why didn’t you block her? After three days of waiting for him to do something, I took matters into my own hands and messaged her.
What did she say in response?
Yinka: She asked me not to interfere with matters I know nothing about. I wasn’t about to start exchanging words with her, so I deleted her message and kept things moving. I’m too classy for all that mess. She called Kayode, and he messaged me, asking why I contacted her.
Is there any point where Kayode actually supported you?
Kayode: To be fair, I asked if you contacted her.
Yinka: Before proceeding to ask why I contacted her.
While all of this was happening, were you having second thoughts about the relationship?
Yinka: Yes. He was trying so hard to not offend her. If the separation was mutual, why was he overcompensating? She would say she couldn’t sleep and it will become a problem. I expected him to be more firm. At some point, she called me a schemer.
Ahhh.
Yinka: His parents had to get involved because I blocked Kayode when he was saying nonsense about not doing things my way.
When was this?
Yinka: In April 2020, after he called to confront me about contacting his ex. The relationship was not by force. I wasn’t desperate to be with anyone. I was doing fine by myself before he came into the picture. I didn’t need the stress. The annoying part was that she ended up being the one to block him.
Kayode: No. I blocked her. I am not a social media person so, I didn’t care what was going on there.
How did this affect the wedding plans?
Yinka: His parents had gone to see mine in February. He still sent his ex-fiance cash after the introduction. I was still confused that when he dated his ex, he had no problem putting their pictures up but with us, he had issues doing that.
OMO.
Yinka: In April, I told him to take a stance. He can’t be here and be trying to be there as well. I was afraid of being with a person who was only with me because they couldn’t be with another.
Kayode: This is my fault because I didn’t see things from her perspective back then, and it caused a lot of friction in our relationship.
Yinka: It all comes down to boundaries. She always managed to be in the picture. Interestingly, after they broke up, she’d ask about who he was dating and he’d gladly tell her and reassure her that he still loved her. He just couldn’t when we were together.
Is it because of the conditions you laid out?
Yinka: I don’t know. He was probably not serious with the others, so it was easy to say oh, I’m just fooling around because I cannot stop thinking about you. And I don’t think he understood the extent to which it hurt my feelings. I tried to understand at first. I would have ended it the moment he said I cannot let her know I’m in a relationship.
Kayode: I think I need to address this. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was doing what I felt was best at the time. I wasn’t hiding Yinka; I just wasn’t as open with our relationship. I was waiting for the ideal time to break it to my ex because I knew how tough it was for her.
About sending her money, there were a few projects we were doing together, and I was just fulfilling my own end of the bargain. This does not excuse what happened, and I’m truly sorry.
Yinka: I forgive you and I always want you to know when to draw the line. You cannot please everybody.
Oh wow. Tell me about being married.
Yinka: We got married in October. I came to Nigeria and stayed for a few weeks. We are learning to cope with the distance. I find it normal, but he finds it tiring.
Kayode: The distance is crazy, but it is worth it.
Yinka: I feel closer to him. We talk all the time and have dates over the phone. It’s strange, but we’ve only seen each other a few times since we started dating. Two weeks in December and when I came home for the wedding in October.
What does a typical day in this relationship look like?
Kayode: We are always on video call. We go to the office together. We practically do everything together via video calls.
Yinka: When I wake up, I call him cause it’s afternoon at his, and we talk till I get to work. I call during my lunch break to say hello. He stays up till I leave the office and then we talk for a bit before he sleeps. The plan is to have him here with me as soon as possible.
Interesting. How do you manage the sexual parts of this relationship?
Yinka: There was no sex when I came in December 2019. Although we made out.
Oh wow. A celibate relationship.
Yinka: As a person, I’m still trying to figure sex out. We still haven’t had sex. I’ve never had penetrative sex so, after the wedding, I wasn’t ready, and he wanted me to take my time. I think my mind thinks of the pain, and my muscles just clench.
Okay, guys. On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life.
Yinka: I’d say 8/10. We are in a good place, willing to grow and learn from each other and in life. I worry sometimes that something would happen to him, and I would not get to love him like I want to.
There is so much I’d love to do with him and the distance doesn’t help. He is an amazing man who admits his imperfections and is willing to be better. I just hope we have a lot of time together to explore what life has for us. He definitely has made me a better person in his own way.
Kayode: I would say 7/10. We still have a lot to explore. It’s a 7 because I feel we are doing well with the distance.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
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Sometimes, people shoot their shots at you. Which is nice and all, but they are not your spec and you’re not exactly interested. You want to dodge the shot but you don’t want to seem like an asshole. You also don’t want it to end in tears for them, because you’re nice. What do you do?
1. Tell them you’re impotent
This is sure to have them running away from you.
2. Say you’re battling spiritual issues
Because who wants to sleep with somebody possessed by legion?
3. Mention that you’re treating an STD
Just say it casually during a conversation. If they still stay, it means they truly love you.
4. Tell them your pastor said you should not date
Although they might come away thinking you don’t have sense.
5. Tell them you’ll soon relocate abroad
And you can’t do long-distance. Maybe God will hear your lie and answer your prayers.
Read: 5 Ways To Handle A Long Distance Relationship
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Women are often overlooked in conversations about marital infidelity due to the misconception that they are less inclined to cheat on their spouses. I spoke to six married women who had engaged in relationships without their husbands’ knowledge, and they shared some intriguing stories of infidelity.
Editorial note: This article was updated to include Chidinma’s entry which was omitted in error.
Betty
Before I got married, I discovered that my fiance was a liar and a cheat. The feeling I felt, omo, I swore never to let myself feel that way ever again. I went on to marry him less than a year ago. Sounds strange, but the discovery killed any true love I had for him, but I didn’t want to start over with someone who would end up breaking my trust again. With this clarity, I began to flirt with some guys. So far, all I’ve had is phone sex with one of them. I actually plan to have sex with this new guy next year lol. By then, I’ll have lost some weight so the unveiling will be bomb as fuck. As for my marriage, we go dey alright last last. My previous definition of love ended up being a major scam. I ain’t a sucker for love anymore.
P.S: my new guy is also married. I find they are the best ones to have an affair with because everybody has something to lose, so no long thing.
Omotola
I had been dating for seven years when I met Mr C, who made me feel like I meant the world to him. During this period, I had a feeling my husband (boyfriend at the time) was cheating, so I went through his BBM and sure enough, saw incriminating things. I capitalised and asked for a break to think about things, even though he denied cheating. At this juncture, I started sleeping with Mr C and I felt like I had met my soulmate. I was kinda juggling two men.
I wanted to marry Mr C but I was forced into this marriage eight years ago. I was in such a bad place that, before the wedding, I decided that I would continue sleeping with Mr C. This continued for a year until my husband caught me. He was livid and felt like shit. I didn’t even know he had found out. It took him a while after he found out to bring it up with me. He had suspected I was up to something when I told him I was going to visit a friend for the weekend and followed me and found where I went to. Weirdly, he didn’t say anything the entire weekend even though we were chatting. He confronted me a few weeks later. Oh my, I was sure he was going to ask for a divorce but he didn’t.
That episode really broke him. I know I broke him. He never saw me the same way again, and we had known each other for seven years before we married. After that, I stopped seeing Mr C for about a year but picked up again because, tbh the sex was amazeballs. I eventually called it quits about a year ago when I relocated.
Oyin
I’ve been married for five years. The affair started in a stupid way, really. My ex kept texting me, telling me he missed me. Me I won’t lie, I missed him too, even before he texted me, but I didn’t miss him enough to cheat. He had shown some interest in some properties I was looking to sell so I decided to meet up with him without telling my husband. We met a couple of times but we remained civil. He didn’t know I was married and I opted not to mention it at first, but I told him when we met up. People weren’t aware that I was married; we chose not to announce our legal wedding because it was for relocation purposes. It was a quick wedding, to be honest.
After seeing a couple of times, the emotions became overwhelming. One day, we had sex. I felt really guilty about it but I couldn’t tell my husband the truth. We still needed to work together so it happened again. We used to meet up in the same house he lived when we were dating, which wasn’t a great idea at all. My husband eventually found out through my emails. I was quite absent from our home, so he felt a nudge to look through my emails and he found something incriminating. He was distraught, but he forgave me.
I made up my mind to discipline myself when I saw the hurt I put my husband through. I never went close to my ex again because I set up an accountability structure with my husband and it hasn’t happened since. We even had to change churches because my ex was a member of our church. My husband suggested it to completely eliminate the possibility of running into him, although it’s a big church. Seeing as I had already put him through enough, I couldn’t object. I love him too much to put him through that kind of pain again. I can’t go close to my ex anymore. I have a soft spot for him so I can’t put myself in that position again.
Above all, I’m grateful for my husband. He’s always trying to protect my reputation and has never mentioned it to anyone. I love him to the moon because of this. Overcommunication was key to the healing process. Four years and one child later, we are happy.
Laila
I’ve been married since 2009 and I’ve never been faithful, even when I was on the dating scene. As a married woman, I feel unfulfilled. My husband is wonderful and sweet but he’s not an intellectual and I’m really attracted to intelligence in a man.
I cheat and I’ve always cheated. I can’t admit this publicly but I’ve always found the idea of monogamy unattractive. If I married an adventurous person, maybe I wouldn’t cheat. My husband is stable and all but he’s boring and mundane.
I currently have three boyfriends. I have sex constantly with the first one and almost no sex at home. The second is a friend-with-benefits but he lives in a different part of Nigeria. As for the third, I love him. He’s married too but I think he’s my soulmate. He’s intellectual and sexually adventurous. Of course, I still cheat on him from time to time, especially when he’s busy with work or family but I feel he’s the only one who gets me. I wish I could be with him in a socially-acceptable way.
Moremi
I’m married with kids and my husband and I love each other but I don’t feel like he listens or hears me. He doesn’t spend time with me and I’ve spent years complaining about this. He changes for a few weeks and then reverts to normal. So I needed someone to talk to.
Roi and I started out just talking a few hours every day on life issues, on everything and anything. Now we’ve caught feelings, even though he’s married too. We reconnected a year ago and we’ve seen each other a few times since then. We have very magnetic chemistry. It has taken the grace of God not to have sex for this long, but that grace is no longer sufficient.
He is mindful of me, pays attention and listens to me. He knows me well; he hears what I’m thinking and feeling. We spend endless hours on the phone each week. Because we grew up in the same neighbourhood and he’s a childhood friend, he’s known me all my life. We never dated. He had a crush on me when we were teenagers but he never asked me out.
I feel alive and loved. I feel beautiful. If you ask me, this affair has been great for my marriage. I’ve had more sex with my husband since I reconnected with Roi. Since the desirable is not available, I’ve been initiating sex more. Once I’ve spoken to him for hours, he leaves me with such a warm feeling that everyone who annoys me gets a pass, including my husband, so less fights. We talk about everything, even things we can never tell our spouses. He’s very mature, helpful with my work, kids and even helps settle issues I have with my husband.
If someone told me that I’d ever be in this situation, I’d say never. Neither of us intends to leave our marriages but we intend to be in each other’s lives for the rest of our lives. The affair is currently purely emotional because we are in different countries. It helps that we are in different countries, else we would have been caught. It’s sweet but heartbreaking at the same time, not being with someone you love. Also confusing because we both love our spouses, just not the same way we love each other. I’ve been married for 11 years and him, for 15.
We’ve been fighting the sexual attraction for over a year. We’ve both admitted that we’ve failed. It’s only COVID that’s keeping us apart. I’ll be shocked if we survive another physical date without sex. I am unashamedly looking forward to it and I won’t feel guilty. I’ve decided that I deserve to be happy. We worry about getting caught though. It’s easier to forgive a cheating spouse when it’s just sex. It’ll be difficult for our spouses to find out we share such a bond and connection outside of them.
Chidinma
I got married six years ago and I’ve had two affairs. I met my lover at the bank where I worked back then. I really liked him and I think he liked me too but I never told him I was married. We just connected so well and he was so much fun. I didn’t really have any reason to cheat, I was just bored and I regretted marrying early at 23.
He later found out I was married. I felt bad because he didn’t find out from me. There were many times I wanted to tell him I was married, but I was afraid of what he’d think of me. When he asked why I didn’t tell him about my marriage, I had no real reason. I actually didn’t want him to think of me as a bad girl. We met a few times and we had sex for the last time and never met again. I actually love him and I’m trying really hard to forget him. The last time we spoke, he said “I trusted you.” That broke me. I don’t regret cheating with him. As a matter of fact, if I had met him earlier, I would have married him. He even asked if I was willling but I laughed it off.
The second affair was an ex from the university. This guy made me feel I was unfair to him because while we dated in the university, we never had sex. So I thought “Why not give ourselves closure?” So we had sex once and that was it. This guy really guilt-tripped me into feeling terrible about the past. I did it for closure. I’ve realised it’s not my business what he thinks about me. Whatever it is, let him take it up with Jesus. I’m not the cause of the problems in his life.
He wanted to make it a constant thing but I shut him out. You know what they say about men; give them a rope and they would skip. Sleeping with him was just a really stupid thing to do. To me, it never happened. If I ever see him in public, I am so going to deny knowing him. I hope he responds with the same energy too, so that he can save himself from embarrassment..
I currently have no extramarital affair now and I do not plan to have any in the future. It’s stressful; I can only keep up with so many lies and hiding. Also, I have two kids and can’t continue cheating. I regret cheating on my husband. If he finds out, I don’t know what he’s capable of. He says he loves me, but I don’t think so. I think he just married me because he had to get married as he is nine years older than me. I realised this much later. But then, nothing justifies cheating.
Read: 8 Nigerian Married Men Discuss Cheating On Their Wives
QUIZ: How Often Do You Cheat In Relationships?
Don’t ask how we know. Just take the quiz.
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We already did a quiz that told you your love language, but now, we want to guess the love language of the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Will you be able to love them the way they like?
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio – Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies *Caroline, 20, and *Somto, 20, used to date. They went from friends to lovers to frenemies. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their relationship and how one party felt bullied into a relationship they never really wanted.
What’s the relationship here?
Caroline: We used to date.
Somto: She’s my ex.
How long did you guys date for?
Somto: We started dating in February 2020. I’m not sure.
Caroline: I like to count it as a month, but I think it was just three weeks. We broke up on March 30th.
Tell me about your relationship.
Somto: I feel like I was bullied into it. I just got out of a relationship and my emotions were all over the place. Caroline and I were working on a project together. We started hanging out and it was fun at first. Then one night, she sent me a text and basically bullied me into a relationship..
Caroline: I didn’t bully him. We go to the same school; we’re students. We were working together and we had so much in common. I just thought to myself, maybe you should just ask him if he wants to be in a relationship. He first hesitated but later agreed. I didn’t force him.
Somto, do you think you’re easily persuaded to do things you don’t want to?
I am usually not easily persuaded, but a part of me was hoping it would work. I lowkey knew that this wasn’t something I wanted to do. I made it clear from the onset that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I just wanted to be friends.
Interesting. How did the relationship end?
Somto: I won’t say it was a breakup, it was more of an agreement. You know when you’re not meant to be with someone? That’s how I felt.
Caroline: Before the lockdown, we were having lots of fights, disagreeing about a lot of things, yelling at each other. I saw it coming because I got the vibe he wasn’t quite comfortable with our relationship. The day school sent us home, he called and told me he still loves his ex-girlfriend and wanted to break up.
Yikes. Somto, are you with your ex now?
No, but it’s fine. I’m learning to love my own company.
Caroline mentioned fights. What exactly were you guys fighting about?
Somto: I didn’t want to hang out. I just wanted to be alone and she would make a fuss. It was silly little things. They were absurd because, on a normal day, I wouldn’t want to argue about them.
Caroline: I was getting paranoid that something was wrong with him and he wasn’t telling me. I remember one of the arguments where he said he didn’t know how to explain himself, and I kept insisting he talk to me because we were friends before we started dating. The whole secrecy thing was bothering me and I needed to know what was wrong.
Somto: I didn’t intentionally make things difficult for you. I was going through my problems and I didn’t want to get anyone involved. I like to sort things out myself.
Caroline: I was just trying to be enough.
Somto: You were more than enough. I just wasn’t complete yet.
What did you guys hate about the relationship?
Somto: There was nothing to hate. If I had met Caroline at a different point in my life, things might have worked. Right now, I’m not just in the mood for a relationship.
Caroline: I didn’t really hate anything. The timing was just off. I was very busy at that point and the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough or spending adequate time with him kept eating me up. Sometimes, I’d make him come to my meetings so we could spend more time together.
What was your sex life like?
Caroline: Honestly, it wasn’t intense. We made out and it was just there, but we never had sex. We tried, but I didn’t feel ready.
Somto: Meh. I’m not pushy so, for me, it wasn’t a priority. I’ve had it too many times to care.
What did you pick up from the relationship?
Somto: She pushed me to do a lot of things. I basically doubled my hustle because of her.
Caroline: His music sense. I’ve been listening to a lot of songs he likes. I am also still friends with some of his friends. Oh, and I’m now experimenting with weed.
Are you guys still attracted to each other?
Caroline: Attraction is such a wide spectrum. I am still attracted to him physically and because I have been in a relationship with him, it’s easier to say that I still might be attracted to him emotionally, but the relationship fucked me up and gave me PTSD. I couldn’t even listen to some songs I liked because they reminded me of him.
Somto: I would assume so. Probably.
How did you guys get over the break up?
Somto: I was still getting over one when I got into this one so it felt like a compound effect for me. Dealing with it while working was very effective for me.
Caroline: When we would fight in the relationship, because of how busy I was, I never had time to brew over it. When I went home because of Corona, I had time to organise my feelings and frankly, I lashed out at him.
The night of the breakup, I called my best friend and cried over Facetime. A friend of his kept checking in on me for about a week to make sure I was okay. The sleepless nights didn’t help either. I don’t want to say I was used, but I felt deceived.
Somto: Caroline, in all honesty, I was very nice to you. I never lied to you.
Caroline: But you concealed the truth and that’s just as bad.
Somto: Did I? Did I really?
Caroline: You using the term “bullied” at the start of this interview when all I did was ask you is very weird. I wish I had my old phone so I can go through the chats and see where I came off as a bully.
If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have accepted. We’ve had this argument before where you said you never wanted this and because I really don’t want to keep bringing this up. So, yes, lying and concealing the truth may be different but they are closely related.
Somto: The night I told you I didn’t want this and would prefer we were friends. You looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes and I felt pressured. I don’t really like dealing with emotional stress, I’m not really good at handling it.
When I start hinting at not wanting to do something and you start giving me those eyes, I just go with it. At the point I felt it was too much, it made more sense to just rip the bandage off.
Somto, would you say you dated her out of pity?
Somto: It wasn’t really out of pity. I understood what it felt like to be alone and didn’t want that for her. I really liked her. You have to understand that I was just trying to get over my ex.
Caroline: Wow.
So, she was a rebound?
Somto: 💀
Caroline: It’s all good. I just wish you had said something in the beginning instead of having me go through all this.
Is there a chance of getting back together at all?
Caroline: In this exact moment, I’d say no.
Somto: I don’t think so.
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On October 29, 2020, we’ll be launching Love Life. It is a new Zikoko series about relationships, situationships and entanglements. To get you excited, here is a quiz that will tell you just how much you bring to your relationships.
Hello people of the internet, you can now support us financially to help Zikoko keep Zikokoing.
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Loving someone starts from somewhere. That single moment when you realise that you actually love this fool you’re with. For some women, they could date a person and only realise they love them after months in the relationship. For others, it’s instantaneous. Today, 7 Nigerian women tell us the first time they realised they were in love with their partner(s).
1. Hannah and her health hero
I was 8 months into my relationship when I became very ill. When I spoke to my partner on the phone, I didn’t want to stress him because I knew he had so much work to do. After taking a fevered nap, I woke up to several missed calls from him. Apparently, he had become so worried when he couldn’t reach me so he ditched work and came to my building. When I saw him, he looked so worried that it broke my heart. He spent the day running around getting things for me. At that moment, I realised that I love him and I was done mooning over my ex. We’ve been together for 2 years now.
2. Dorcas and her love affair
Currently having an affair and loving it. So, I have two love stories and funny enough, the second one exists because of the inadequacy of the first. For my husband, I realised that I loved him when I got pregnant for him out of wedlock and wanted to keep it. Before him, I have had 2 abortions for two different exes. He felt like a safe option at the time.
For my affair, he is the first person I have been with after 10 years of being married to my husband. He makes me come alive and the sex is electric. I think it was mid-orgasm that I realise that I love him enough to risk my marriage for him.
3. Cynthia and her glucose guardian
My partner is a married man but his family doesn’t stay in the country. I think I love the fact that he spoils me silly. I can’t think of one thing I really want that he doesn’t give me. The first time I realised that I might love this man was last year when I casually mentioned that I have never been to the abroad and he surprised me 2 months later with a trip to Dubai. I know it’s futile loving a married man but we only live once and I don’t want to feel guilty for enjoying myself.
4. Aisha and her love for potential
I’m not sure about the moment I fell in love or I cannot remember. There’s no aha moment. But it was a build-up of many things. We talked consistently over many weeks on the phone. You know when you talk to someone every day, there’s a huge chance that you become fond of them, or start to like them even. Then we agreed fundamentally on a couple of things which made it more exciting – feminism, storytelling etc. And then I saw potential in him to become rich in a couple of years.
I guess that’s it.
5. Martha and her 3 lovers
I am currently in love with 3 men but I am in a relationship with two of them. The moment I realised that I love man number one was when we had unprotected sex. I have never done that before him. It made me realise that only love can make me take such a silly risk.
I realised that I love man number 2 when I risked my life to make a journey to Kaduna. Normally, I am a selfish lover so for me to go to a state of unrest to see man, I knew that cupid was working overtime.
I realised that I love man number 3 when I initiated the relationship between us. I am very attractive person and I am so used to men doing the chasing. So, for me to make a move, I think I’m in love.
6. Rhoda and her dad bod man
I am attracted to beautiful men. I work out a lot and have a great body so I have never pictured myself with someone who didn’t look fit. It was 5 months into the relationship that a friend pointed out that my man has a dad bod. I didn’t even notice. I had to spend time looking at my man again and it hit me that I actually love this person so much that I dropped my strict rule for him. With him, I don’t notice anything else but his kindness and willingness to make me happy. We’ve been together for over a year and I couldn’t be happier.
7. Temi and her cheater bae
My father was a serial cheater and had so many children with so many women. I saw the pain he put my mom through so I mentally decided to never accept a cheating partner. I was with my partner for 3 months before finding out he cheated on me with his colleague. Before him, I had sworn to leave any man who cheats on me. With him, I found myself hoping he’d ask for forgiveness so we can get back together. He did and we are together again. That was when I realised that I might actually love this man.
No, his name is not Femi.
Announcement
Hey there, Zikoko is introducing a new flagship called Love life on the 29th of October, 2020. It basically tells the love story of people from the perspective of all parties involved. So, whether it’s an entanglement, a situationship or a bad separation, we will be telling your story.
If you and your (ex) partner are interested in featuring in Zikoko Love Life, register here.
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An open marriage is a form of non-monogamy where the partners agree that the other partner may engage in extra-marital sexual relations without this being regarded as infidelity. It’s more or less like Jada and Will’s marriage, although the rules often vary.
Needless to say, this isn’t a very popular arrangement with most people, and much less so among Nigerians. Despite this, I had the pleasure of meeting a 30-year-old Nigerian man who has been in an open marriage for two years, and before that, an open relationship for 10 years. We talked about his marriage, what it demands and why more people should consider open marriages.
So, how did it begin?
Honestly? It’s not something we really thought about. At least, we never called it an open relationship, when we were dating. Or even a relationship. It was basically, “Yes, I love you and you love me, but we both still find other people sexually attractive. So what are we going to do?” We had a lot of back-and-forths about what that meant and what we could do about it.
Initially, the relationship wasn’t open at all. We had been dating for a few years when, one day, she suddenly came to me and said: “I found someone I think you’d find sexually interesting.” That’s how it started. We discuss it frequently to touch base and see what the other person is thinking.
What do you think were her motivations for giving you the green light to sleep with someone else?
To be honest, it’s probably a hodgepodge of factors. Firstly, she is bisexual. Secondly, she enjoys watching me having sex and she loves it when I tell her about other women I’m having sex with and how. Also, there were women she found sexually appealing but she wasn’t comfortable about her sexuality with other women at that time. So she’d offer the women to me and live vicariously through me. Eventually, she decided to try women.
Interesting. What are the details of your arrangement?
Basically, both of us can sleep with whomever we want. The only condition is that we obtain consent from each other before sleeping with other people. There have been instances where we both didn’t agree to let the other sleep with someone else but it’s always for a good reason.
What would you say is required to be in this kind of relationship?
Lot’s of work and honesty. From the outside, it looks easy, but in reality, there’s a lot of work required. We have to talk and talk and fine-tune things a lot.
Our relationship is pretty private, but now and again, we raise some eyebrows. When we are with friends and a lover of either of us or both of us is around, our friends tend to give us weird looks, thinking that we are cheating on the other partner. They think it’s weird that a married person is hanging with someone else, and even more surprised that the other partner doesn’t care about it.
One time, I was with my friends and I had one of my girlfriends with me. My girlfriend kept talking about my wife; not in the I-shouldn’t-be-with-you type of way and more in a playful “I will tell your wife you’re not treating me nicely” type of way. My guys were looking at me funny. They don’t know about the arrangement and I’d like to keep it that way
Wow. Do you worry that either you or your wife might catch feelings for someone else? What’s the contingency plan?
The thought that either of us might have feelings for other people crosses our minds, honestly. It’s only logical that if you keep fucking the same person, feelings will inevitably come into play. That’s why we emphasise on honesty. Also, we already know we’ll spend the rest of our lives together. We know that even if you catch feelings for someone else, it’s only half the truth. My wife and I know our full truths with each other and it makes us both happy.
If it happens, we’ll deal with it the same way we deal with other matters; discussing honestly and finding solutions together. It’s us against any issues bothering one person.
Have you had any disagreements over this arrangement?
Ah yes. And it was absolutely my fault too. I’m an emotional guy, really, and I can only have sex with people I like and have a real connection with. At some point, it got a bit too emotional with one of my women, and when my wife pointed it out to me, I got defensive, and even worse, started to feel like I needed to hide parts of that relationship from her. I refused to do any introspection for a while. But at some stage, you gotta listen when your own woman insists on something like that. I regret it very much; hurting her was never part of the arrangement.
Do you plan on having children?
We do plan on having children, a little down the road. Of course, we think about how having children will have an impact on the nature of our relationship. It’ll definitely means having less random partners. We’ll settle for regular partners so that we aren’t introducing the kids to strangers every two weeks. It also means meeting out of town more often and having fewer partners.
Sounds like it’s all planned out.
Again, we talk and talk and talk. It’s hard, but it’s the only way it works.
Between the two of you, how many partners would you say there are?
Lmao. This is hard. There are some regular ones, there are seasonal ones and there are part-time ones. But currently, I’d say three. Of course, we have partners outside of each other. Some of our partners are in relationships of their own. However, we do have a favourite girlfriend. She’s in a relationship with both of us together and individually.
The next thing on our agenda is dating a couple similar to us. It sounds really interesting. We aren’t rushing it because sometimes, you just have to let things happen. So far, it hasn’t happened yet. Although it’d be nice if such a couple reaches out.
That’s interesting. Do you think more people should consider open marriages and relationships or do you think it’s only suited to a select few?
It’s definitely not for everybody. It’s also not a response to infidelity or an inability to be loyal. It demands even more accountability that normal relationships don’t ask of you.
I think more people should be honest about the fact that loving someone doesn’t mean you never want to fuck someone else. Once we all come to that place, the rest is just housekeeping and figuring out what works.
Man Like – A series about men, for men, by men. Every Sunday by 12PM.
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If you’ve ever been in one, you’ll know that long-distance relationships are the ghetto. From the constant I miss yous to the severe horniness that afflicts you, long-distance relationships are nothing to write home about. Luckily, there are a couple of things you can do to help make your long-distance relationship easier to bear.
1. Break up.
Break up with them. They can’t cheat on you if you break up with them.
2. Cheat.
Let’s face it. This is the only way the relationship will last. The ball is in your court.
3. Move.
Just follow your partner wherever they are going. Quit your job and follow them.
4. Buy internet data in wholesale.
You’ll be needing loads of it for all the video calls you’ll be doing.
5. Open the relationship
At this point, just open it. So you can be sleeping with other people with your chest.
Read: 5 Ridiculous Things Nigerian Men Do To Get Over Heartbreak
Man Like – A series about men, for men, by men. Every Sunday by 12PM.