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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Love Life: I Moved To Nigeria To Be With Her

    Bibi, 33, and Kelly, 27, have been dating for about four years. In today’s episode of Love Life, they talk about how they met online and transitioned from a long-distance relationship to a live-in couple. 

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Kelly: I think mine is the first time we had drinks at a hotel in Dubai. I can’t forget it. Babe opened the champagne as we looked at each other. I was thinking, “OMG, we are actually here right now.” 

    Bibi: I feel bad because her answer is cute and mine is not so much. I got to Dubai before her, so I had to pick her up from the airport. When she saw me, she was so nervous and excited that her bag dropped from her hand. It was embarrassing. 

    So how did you two meet? What was before the Dubai trip? 

    Kelly: We met on Instagram in 2017. Someone made a pussy challenge post and Babe commented on it. I thought that even if she wasn’t into girls, she wouldn’t be homophobic. 

    Bibi: After the comment, I noticed that someone was liking my pictures. I checked the notifications and saw her picture. She looked nice, so I went through the rest of her page. I didn’t really understand how social media worked then because I went to watch her story, and I didn’t know she could see that I had viewed it. I posted a story a few days after that, she commented on it and that’s how we started talking. 

    Kelly: It’s not everybody you meet for the first time you start asking personal questions, but we clicked. She told me things about herself, and I told her things about me too. We couldn’t stop talking. It was when she had to go to work, that we realised how long we had been talking. She lived in Canada then and I was in Nigeria, so it was past noon when she had to go. We continued chatting and became really close friends even before the subject of dating came up. 

    Who made the move to go from friends to lovers?

    Bibi: I was going through a bad breakup at the time and she was too. One day in the middle of our conversation, I told her I was going to marry her, that I felt like she’s the one. She said, “I bet you tell all the other girls that.” 

    Before that, I was trying to find out if she was into girls or not, so I asked if she had a boyfriend. She said no and asked me the same thing. Then I asked if she had a girlfriend and she paused — I could see her online, but she didn’t reply for a few minutes. 

    Kelly: You know how Nigeria is — you can’t just go telling everyone that you’re a lesbian.

    Bibi: At the time, I was going through a tough situation with my ex. We had been dragging it out for months, and at that point, we had decided to let things go. But being who I am, I wanted to do it in person. I arranged for the two of us to meet in Dubai. 

    I told Kelly about it and she was sad, but I assured her that I was going to keep her in the loop. We couldn’t even stop talking. Throughout the Dubai trip, I was on the phone with her. After I ended things with my ex, we continued talking and everything just seemed great. It was obvious we liked each other and connected deeply, but I am the type of person that you have to ask out, so it wasn’t official yet.

    In May 2018, I arranged for another trip in Dubai for me and Kelly to meet. It was a nice trip for both of us. I remember us watching the royal wedding and feeling so emotional that we started crying. As we were crying, Kelly looked at me and asked me to be her girlfriend. 

    What happened afterwards? 

    Kelly: After two weeks, I returned to Lagos and she returned to Canada. It was very sad for both of us because we realised that we were in a long-distance relationship. Every three months, Babe would visit Nigeria, spend a few weeks, then go back. One time in 2019, she spent two months and when it was time to go, it was really tough. It took about six or seven months before we saw each other again. 

    I knew I wanted to be with her, so we struggled together through it. Sometimes we would have fights and decide to break up because of the distance. It was hard, but we are here now. We’ve been living together for about seven months now.

    How did that happen? 

    Bibi: Last year, I decided to come to Nigeria for Kelly’s birthday because we had never celebrated any birthdays together. I was supposed to visit again in December 2019, but I stayed back to work so I could raise enough money for a nice time together. Then COVID hit. I got an email from the flight company that my flight was cancelled and they didn’t know when they would be flying again. Shortly after, the lockdown happened and everything started crumbling. 

    Our fights got worse, and we weren’t sure if we were going to see each other again. When flights resumed, I got COVID and it was terrible. Babe couldn’t get to me and I couldn’t get to her. We started talking about what would happen if I passed on. I had COVID for about eight weeks, and even after I got a negative result, I was still down with post-COVID symptoms, so I couldn’t fly. 

    After I got cleared, I wanted to come to Nigeria, but Nigeria had banned international flights. There was a flight going to Cotonou but when you got there, you had to use a bike to get to the border. I booked it. I also found another flight going to a South African country; I booked that as well. I booked a lot of flights because I was desperate. I was getting ready for the Cotonou trip when I got an email that they had updated their travel rules — I would have to get tested in Cotonou and spend up to a week there before leaving for anywhere else. 

    How did you feel about that?

    I was born and bred in Canada — I have never lived anywhere else, so I was really scared. Babe couldn’t come to Cotonou because of the travel restrictions in Nigeria. She was crying, worried about me going to Cotonou, but I was like, “Babe, we are going to do this.” Two days before the flight, I got an email that there was an emergency flight leaving from Canada and going straight to Lagos. In those moments, looking for flights, I realised that the most important thing to me was my relationship with babe. I decided I wasn’t even coming to visit anymore — I was coming to stay. 

    Right away, I bought containers and started throwing my belongings in it, but because I had been booking flights, I was low on cash so I couldn’t send my stuff to Nigeria. I was worried about it for a while but one day, on my way back from buying another container for my stuff, my neighbour saw me and asked if I was sending it to Nigeria. He said he was sending a bus to Nigeria and it was empty. He asked to ship my containers with his bus at no cost at all. I jumped on it even though Babe was skeptical. 

    I carried our dog, Coco with me and jumped on that emergency flight within a week. There was a lot of news about flights getting cancelled so I was really anxious about the plane actually moving. When the pilot announced that we were ready to take off, I was on video call with Kelly and  just started crying. 

    I am claustrophobic. I get bad panic attacks I take medication for on flights, but that day, I didn’t care. 

    I remember coming out of the airport and seeing this beautiful, amazing person holding a bouquet of roses. In that moment, I didn’t even care that I was in Nigeria and people are homophobic; I ran to her and started kissing her. Everyone was looking at us. Some people even shouted. That’s how I moved here. I didn’t even tell people at my office I was moving. After two months they asked when I was coming back, and I was like, you’re never gonna see me again. LOL. 

    Was there any pushback from your family when you moved?  

    Bibi: My family knew about Kelly already. My brothers are her biggest fans. I didn’t want to tell anyone about it when I was planning my trip because flights kept getting canceled, and I didn’t want to put my family through that roller coaster. 

    After I boarded, I called my brothers and told them I’m going to Nigeria. They asked if I was going to be safe, and when I said yes, they said they understood and they loved us. When I got to Nigeria, I called my mom and the first question she asked was, “Where is Kelly?” I handed Kelly the phone. When she confirmed I was safe, she said alright, bye. They knew I was in good hands. 

    What’s the best part of the relationship?

    Kelly: I have a friend. I know it sounds silly. I was telling her this morning that I never had someone I could be this open and honest with. We’ve been in a relationship for four years, and I’ve grown so much that it’s not just about us being partners, it’s about our friendship. Every morning I wake up and I’m excited to hang out with my friend. 

    Bibi: Aww. I have always been in relationships where I put everything in and didn’t get anything back. The best part of this is the matched energy. When we started talking, I told her every single thing about myself, even the embarrassing stuff. She was like my diary — I could go to her and pour everything that I feel without filters. Even when I do something wrong, I am able to tell her honestly how I fucked up and that’s very special to me. 

    What was your worst fight like? 

    Bibi: We’ve been in a relationship for so long but in reality, we haven’t because we haven’t been in the same space for a long time. Long distance relationships are perfect because conversations happen over the phone. I could call her when I’m upset and she would cheer me up, but she doesn’t get to see me on days I’m overwhelmed. When we started living together, we would have fights because we didn’t know certain things about each other. We got to a point where we believed that we were not compatible and decided to break up. I was going to move back to Canada and we were asking who was going to get the dog among both of us. It was a big deal, but she went on a walk and when she came back, we started crying. 

    After a while, we talked about why we were crying. It turned out we both really wanted to be the relationship. We accepted that we didn’t have to be the exact same person we were over the phone — we could evolve, and we had to put in the work for the relationship to work. 

    Do you remember what caused the fight? 

    Kelly: On my way to the gym, I was using my phone. I recently started driving and Bibi always tells me to leave my phone alone. That day, I hit someone with the car. It made a small dent. 

    Bibi: Don’t add small or big o. Just tell the story. 

    Kelly: I tell Babe everything, but I knew that one would make her upset. One day, she saw the dent and asked me what happened. I told her I didn’t know how to say it because she would be upset. She said I didn’t know her. I didn’t understand. I thought it was about the dent, which was a small thing to me. 

    Bibi: Driving distracted is huge to me because my brother died from an accident. When that happened, I felt betrayed. It wasn’t about the dent. I was worried that Kelly had something that she couldn’t tell me. I didn’t understand that she didn’t want to let me down. I didn’t see it from that angle — I was more concerned she kept it a secret. She was like, “It’s a car, I’ll fix it,” and I said it wasn’t about the dent. That’s how we started talking about how we don’t know each other. 

    What is your favourite thing about your relationship? 

    Kelly: I love how she makes my food. Babe is obsessed with how she serves her food. With her, it’s not just rice; she would have other things on the side like eggs, plantain in cute shapes that make it more interesting. Those little details are my favorite thing about being with her. 

    Bibi: I have been through so much in my life. There are stories I don’t tell people, but since the first day I met this person, she has never judged me. I would tell her something shocking and wait for her reaction. Instead of judging me, she would say it’s okay. She would never bring it up again. She would assure me that I am a human being and I am allowed to live. If someone else brings it up around her, she would defend me. 

    Another thing is that I live with a mental health issue. Anytime I have episodes, she would cry and ask God to put it on her. When I had COVID, she wanted to get it too because she didn’t want me to be alone in it. I told her you’re going to die o. Her getting it wouldn’t have done anything for me, but the fact that she didn’t want me to walk through it alone was everything. 

    Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10.

    Kelly: 10. It’s not like we’re perfect, but we are us. 

    Bibi: When it comes to relationships, a lot of people try to portray perfection, but queer relationships are so different. I was taught how to behave in a man’s house, but now I’m in a woman’s house and those rules don’t apply. 

    I rate it a 10 because it’s not perfect, but I don’t want it to be because I feel like perfect is fake. Those hiccups we face helps me understand her more.  

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  • If your Nigerian boyfriend or, even worse, husband has the audacity to catch you having an affair, it is only right you deal with him for not facing his front.

    Here are 11 ways to punish him

    1. Ask him to kneel down, raise up his hands and close his eyes.

    Since he wants to behave like a child, it’s only right you punish him like one.

    2. Make him write “I will learn to mind my business” 1000 times in a notebook.

    Since he has time to be catching you cheating, give him work to do.

    3. Don’t give him food for one week.

    Hunger will force him to change his ways. Advise him to also pray about his inability to mind his business, so it won’t be like he is doing hunger strike.

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    4. Tell him to write a public apology and print it on the front page of a Nigerian newspaper

    This is the barest minimum to be very honest, he needs to let his people know he is an amebo.

    5. Tell him to make a video confessing to the world that he, [insert name], doesn’t mind his business.

    Derrick Jaxn and im wife

    And you better hold his hands while he makes that video, in fact, wear your Sunday best for your appearance in the video.

    6. Follow him to his place of work and make him confess his evil act.

    They’ll probably say it’s a personal issue, but tell them this: “If a man can snoop in women’s business, what is the assurance that he is dealing with your company in complete honesty?”

    7. Follow him to his church, mosque, or shrine, and make him announce what he did.

    Shebi he knows how to do amebo? You too you know how to publicize that work.

    8. Ask him to tweet every one hour, his evil deed.

    Schedule the tweets! “REMINDER: I, [insert name] snooped on my love It was a foolish, careless act, and I want to say I am sorry.”

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    9. Confiscate his phone for a whole month.

    Yup, one month is short sef. He should send pigeons if what he wants to communicate is so important.

    10. Ground him.

    No going out to see friends, no visitations. Work? Let him do it from home. Next time, he will remember that actions have consequences.

    11. And finally, leave him.

    He should have worried about losing you before he let his jealousy make decisions for him.

    But if you want to pity him and stay, you can stay oh.

    Just always hold that his amebo spirit over him. And please, I beg you, do not stop cheating.

    Y’all be easy in your relationships.

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  • Do you move on from relationships with the speed of light or are you Whitney Houston?

    Let’s find out:

  • Do you have a heart of stone? Or your heart swells with feelings like balloons every three days? Take this quiz and allow us cast you small.

    QUIZ: How Toxic Are You In Relationships?

    Before you catch feelings,, find out just how much toxicity is in your blood.

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  • If you’ve ever experienced heartbreak, you’d know it feels like a better day may never come. In this article, I asked Nigerian women to tell me about their worst heartbreak, here’s what six of them had to say:

    AJ, 22

    I was in love with my friend, Ebi* in secondary school. We were in JS2 together but she was into someone else. In SS2, we got closer. We did almost everything together — bathing together, brushing together, and doing our assignments together. We would stay up all night talking. On the night of her birthday, she asked me out and we started dating. 

    Ebi is a stud so there were rumours about her queerness but when we started dating, things became worse. Something else happened to her around this time and this made school unbearable for her. She told me at the end of the school year that her parents were considering transferring her to a different school. I was upset but she told me they hadn’t made a decision yet, so she wanted to try convincing her parents to let her stay. 

    We stayed in touch through the holidays and at the end of every conversation, she assured me that her parents had not decided on leaving. At the end of the holiday, she told her parents had decided to let her stay. I was so excited to see her again. I resumed early. I waited all day for her to arrive but she didn’t. It was odd for boarding students to resume on Mondays so I asked her cousin when she was coming but she told me that Ebi’s parents had transferred Ebi to another school out of the state. I felt my heart stop but I had to act like I wasn’t bothered because of the rumours. After school, I went to my bed and cried like a bastard. 

    Felicia, 24

    My ex-boyfriend was three years younger than me. I was a struggling youth corper and he was winging it as an artist when we met. I had sworn to never date a guy younger than me again but something about him made me take a chance. We met through a friend. On our first date, he took me to a rooftop, and we had a picnic. He sang to me as we stared at the moon all night. We were almost inseparable after that. 

    We continued dating for a year, but at the end of the year, he told me that he had fallen out of love with me. He said it was because, at the beginning of our relationship, he knew I wasn’t serious with him — I was worried about the age difference.  I was so hurt because I had gotten over the age thing but I was also moving to a different city — I knew the distance would have been a problem too — so I broke up with him. It’s been a year since our break up and even though I called the relationship off, I’m still heartbroken. 

    Damilola, 19

    In 2017, I reconnected with a guy I had a friends-with-benefits relationship with. He made it clear that he had feelings for me and would like us to be in a serious relationship. I was sceptical at first but I had always liked him, so I said yes. I had never been in an exclusive relationship before him but I wanted to make it work. 

    We kept having issues — they would start as minor arguments and then escalate. He said I was being difficult about not wanting to send him nudes, even after I explained to him that I was dealing with body dysmorphia. He was friends with my best friend so she knew everything that was going on with us. She would help us resolve our issues by playing peacemaker. 

    He kept cancelling the plans we made to hang out. One day, we were supposed to meet at a hotel but he stood me up as usual so I went to my friend’s place to get my mind off him. That night, he called me and said some abusive words about how I didn’t care about him. He said SARS had harassed and extorted him. I was mad at the hurtful things he said to me so I blocked him. 

    A week later, he apologized on Instagram. I forgave him but a part of me had checked out emotionally. Less than a month later, I made up my mind to leave him after my friend showed me her chat where he was hitting on her. That night, he tried to talk to me but I refused. A few months later, he called me, accusing me of setting him up when SARS arrested him. After the call, he sent a text saying, “I hope you and your family die, bitch, and I’m glad I treated you and your bestie like the trash you both are”. When I confronted her about it, she told me she was pregnant. She couldn’t turn to him for help and she couldn’t keep the baby either. As much as I was hurt, I couldn’t leave her to suffer, so I paid for her to get an abortion and stayed with her through it. After everything, I stopped talking to her. 

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    Dolly, 22

    In 2020, I followed Ivie* because I thought her profile picture was pretty. Somehow we started talking, and it was fun. We found out that we attended the same school but lived in different states. She told me she wasn’t sure she wanted a relationship and I was okay with it but a few months later, she said she loved me. I was already in love with her so I thought we were going to work out. 

    Two months later, she stopped calling or texting. It seemed like I was the one doing everything, so I told her I couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. She read the message but never replied. When school was about to resume in January, she hit me up and asked to meet. We did and she apologised for airing me. We continued our relationship in school. In February, we took a walk one evening, and I asked if we were serious. She said she wasn’t serious with the relationship and that was when I realized she had never really wanted me — she was just bored. 

    Milola, 24

    I was dating this girl for about three years. We did almost everything together. I wanted to be with her for as long as possible but in the third year, she invited me to her wedding as her bridesmaid. I never replied to that message. 

    Maxine, 25 

    I loved my ex-boyfriend with everything in me. I would lie to my parents so I could travel to Lagos to see him. 18 days after our first anniversary together, he broke up with me. His reason was that I loved him too much and he couldn’t love me as much as I loved him. I tried to convince him to stay but he refused. Since then everything about love has been like cyanide to me. 

    Tolu, 22

    My ex-girlfriend and I live in Lagos but at opposite ends — I live in Ajah and she lives in Ikorodu. We tried to keep up with calls, texts and monthly visits but it was hard. Sometimes my parents won’t let me go out or they would allow me with strict timeframes of when to go and when to come back. I would take a four-hour journey and end up spending just two hours with her. We didn’t even have the privacy to be intimate with each other. 

    One night, I told her I missed her and she said she missed me too. She sent a hug sticker and I told her I was tired of hug stickers — I wanted to hug her for real. We started talking about how hard the distance was making our relationship and we decided to end it on that note. It hurt like a bitch. 

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  • Are you the perfect partner or is dating you a literal nightmare? Today, we are here to expose just how toxic you really are — on a scale of 0 to a terrifying 100%. Also, like with the ‘How Wicked Are You?’ quiz, you can’t argue with your result.

    Go ahead:

  • Most people hope to have great co-workers and to have a decent enough relationship with them, however, what if it is a little more than just a decent relationship? Workplace romance isn’t nearly as rare as many think it is or hopes it is. Today, we spoke to five Nigerians about dating their co-workers.

    Ivie, 26.

    It was my boss at the first company I worked at when I came back. Our colleagues always joked that he was married with kids but I had spoken to him and gone to his house where he lived with his housemate so it was hard to believe. Anyway, we started going out, we’d go home together some days or work late in the office some days. It didn’t get in the way of the working dynamics as far as I remember. Anyway, I found out he was married (no kids) after two months and he brought his elder sister to the office to beg me saying they’ve been separated and just not gotten a divorce etc💀 so embarrassing. Anyway, I hadn’t started having sex then and he was gonna be the first. He was the “first” alright except it wasn’t consensual. Anyway, I left the company after that and never spoke to him again.

    Collin, 32.

    You know how people are always scared of HR finding out they are dating a co-worker? I was sleeping with HR. We didn’t plan it but the sexual tension and chemistry were just wow. The first time was when he and I stayed back in the office because I had a project I needed to turn in and he was filling something. We ended up kissing and we started sleeping with each other for a year. I stopped being into it a few months in but he was there and was easy dick so why not. It stopped because my next job took me out of the vicinity.

    Jonathan, 30.

    We were already dating before my partner got a job where I work. I was angry because workplace relationships are so tricky to navigate but I tried to ignore my anger because he needed steady employment. I couldn’t keep that up for long so my anger bubbles to the surface and we fought because it was unfair for him to not tell me first. Even though we talked about it and got past that, I still had reservations about the entire arrangement. But it’s been chill so far. It’s still weird though. We interact at work but are careful to not act too chummy so no one gets any ideas. Then there’s the whole hiding the relationship from everyone which is exhausting. That being said, it also has it’s perks. Even though my case has been great, I wouldn’t advise anyone to do it. I think it’s weird for a couple’s lives to be so intertwined. Do as I say, not as I do.

    Tayo, 25.

    I was working at this tech startup last year and the culture was very lax which is very different from other places I have worked. Because of that, I didn’t immediately clock that the head of the team I was on was flirting with me. He would give me rides and advice and stuff like that. Then one day, he tried kissing me. I was like ‘Uhm, no.’ He kept asking and pressuring and I didn’t want to but it’s a bit hard to say no to your superior because of how people are or can be. We hooked up a few times, it wasn’t bad but he kept wanting more. I eventually left for a different job where I was the team head. I highly advise startups to take HR seriously. The way the HR was set up at mine, I knew reporting to them would get back to the guy so what was the point?

  • If there’s one thing the TV show Insecure did for me, it is burn the word ghosting as well it’s impact on people into my skull. Today, we spoke to five young Nigerians who have been ghosted on what their worst experience being ghosted has been.


    Chinelo, 23.

    Right so, in my first year in uni, I started seeing this guy. It was a talking stage but I really liked him and I think he liked me (I’m not sure anymore cause who ghosts someone they like in such a wicked way). Anyways, it was really good for two months, everything started to go left after he stood me up on Valentine’s day and then he denied me when my best friend saw him at Amigo and told him “when are you resuming, your babe misses you”. This man said, “what babe? I don’t have a babe o”.

    Fast forward to two weeks after this event, he came back to school and told me we wouldn’t be able to talk much on the phone because his phone was bad, I didn’t think anything of it because we’re in the same uni so I can always see him right? This man’s phone was “bad” for the whole of the Easter holiday and after that. We didn’t talk once. One day I went on WhatsApp and saw him online, he still hadn’t tried to contact me so I thought when we get back to school we’d just settle it. He didn’t resume for the first two weeks and the day I finally saw him, this man walked past me like he didn’t know who I was, it happened more than once. I was so confused because he’d go on IG and like my photos but he wouldn’t talk to me when he saw me. Once, I and my BFF ran into him in our cafeteria and he said Hi to her and ignored me like I wasn’t there. I wanted to faint. It took me 8 months to get over it and this idiot dared to text me to “check on me” after I’d fully moved on.

    Jamie, 23.

    So I met her and we started off as friends, as these things go. We went to Unilag together. Different departments. We’d just hang out after school, walk together to the gate, eat together, etc. Then I started liking her. She found out, and the relationship sort of changed. She kinda led me on. She didn’t say she didn’t like me back, but we started doing more stuff like going to the movies together, chilling in each other’s apartments, getting drunk and whatnot. I spent my birthday with her. It was beginning to get interesting sha. I was pretty sure we were going to end up dating. We were together almost everyday, talking on the phone, FaceTiming etc.

    And then one Friday, I didn’t have classes, so I called her in the morning and asked if we would hang out later that day. She sounded dejected and when I asked why, she said we’d talk about it when we saw. She said I should call her by 5 pm. We’d been out a few days earlier and everything was okay. Now, NEPA had cut our light and my phone was on 4%. This was like 9 a.m. So I waited at home, doing nothing, waiting for 5pm (I know that sounds stupid, but if I didn’t have any plans with her, I would have left home earlier and just gone somewhere to charge my phone and chill. I just decided to wait till I saw her before I left home.)

    I called her at 5pm. She didn’t pick. I put my phone back on airplane mode. 5:30pm, she didn’t pick. Airplane mode. 5:45pm and 6pm. Didn’t pick. So I texted her and said “Hey, you didn’t sound okay the last time we spoke, and now, you’re not picking. Are you good?” She read it and didn’t reply. I was so worried. Then my phone died.

    I didn’t try to call her after that. On the next day, I was looking at WhatsApp stories when I saw her’s. She was posting pictures of herself smiling. I still didn’t try to contact her, I was waiting for her to contact me. She kept posting stories so I was sure she was okay. That text I sent her was the last time we spoke.

    I bumped into her about 3 months later in school. Her reason for ghosting me like that: I’m sorry, I just got really busy that day and I forgot to reach out to you after.

    Uju, 20.

    Not sure I’d say “horrible” but I met this guy at a wedding in Kaduna, he lives in Abuja and I was in Lagos at the time. We hit it off instantly, like made out and everything. I went back to Lagos he went back to Abuja and we were talking for like a good two weeks. I even sent him a full platter of food twice as per lover babe. Anyway one morning, I texted him and no response. I called, messaged, nothing for like a week. I called his best friend (who is my best friend’s brother) and he said he had spoken to him so he wasn’t dead he was just ghosting me. Anyway, he came to apologize and said it “happens”.

    Chisom, 28.

    So this guy and I had been talking, it was a long-distance situationship but things were moving fast and none of us had a problem with it then he didn’t talk to me for like a week. At first, I wasn’t so mad, I didn’t panic as much. Then he reached out and said he had some stuff he was dealing with and I kind of understood. We talked all through summer and then I didn’t hear from him for about 96 days. His number wasn’t going through, I couldn’t reach him on social media. I sent emails, he never responded and then one random day he called me. I kept looking at the phone. I didn’t want to pick it up but I eventually did. Because I wanted closure but yeah things died after that.

    Martha, 32.

    Two years ago, I met this guy at my friend’s birthday party. We were flirting and eventually exchanged numbers. After that, we hung out and made out and stuff. A month into the ‘relationship’, I texted him and he didn’t reply. Called, the same thing. After a few days, I went to visit him as per caring girlfriend. He wasn’t around. I asked my friend whose birthday I met him from, she said she didn’t know him like that. One day, like a week into the disappearing act, he posted on Instagram. I was like ‘what?’ I DMed him. After he read it, he blocked me. That was when I knew what happened. The next time I saw him was at a friend’s wedding a few months later when I was serving food. Omo, I was dishing rice and crying. God forbid.

    QUIZ: What Kind Of Partner Are You Drawn To?

  • The dating scene Is a messy place and everyone has their spec. If you haven’t figured out what works for you, we’ve been generous enough to make a list.

    1. People that have money 

    Money makes romance sweeter, to be honest. People will probably call you a gold-digger, but is it their gold you are digging? You better practice how to be a gold-digger today and stop suffering in silence. This is not Nollywood.

    You should always be where the money resides boo

    2.  People that don’t have money

    What they lack in funds they make-up for in creativity. Cute picnics, long walks, Netflix and chill, a compilation of funny memes, thoughtful gifts. These guys would spend if they had. Bear with them.

    Especially the memes, that is very important

    3. People that went to boarding school

    Yes, they come with a sprinkle of trauma but they will try anything new with you. These people were unsupervised in their formative years, jumping fences and eating beans with a dash of beetles. They fear nothing.

    You better be taking notes
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4. Foodies

    You’ll try every new restaurant that catches their fancy and can never complain that you’re hungry. When they walk into any restaurant the waiters are always happy to see them. Plus relationship weight = fat ass. 

    “My view, her view” pictures loading

    5. People that wear crocs

    These guys have hacked comfort clothes on another level. They have the softest hoodies and sweatpants just waiting for you to “borrow”. Date a crocs wearer today.

    And that’s on good taste. Sponsored by crocs wearers association of Nigeria
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

  • In mainstream media, when people talk about exes, they are usually referring to the worst one. In a bid to balance that, we asked 7 Nigerian women to tell us about their favourite ex.  

    Abigail, 34 

    Let’s call her M. She was everything I wanted in a partner — honest, loving, ambitious, beautiful and smart. We dated for over three years and it was the best time of my life. We loved each other deeply. We even had plans to leave Nigeria, get married and start a family. Our friends called us their couple goals. 

    But life happened. I lost my dad and I don’t do grief well. I shut down – mentally and emotionally. I started acting out and stopped communicating my needs to her. She tried her best to understand but I guess, at some point, it became too much for her to handle, so she broke up with me. She set the standard for everyone I dated after her. It’s been 11 years since then and no other woman has come close. Because of this, I stopped dating women and went back into the closet.

    Annabelle, 27 

    My relationship with my ex was amazing. This guy worshipped the ground I walked on. He always bought me gifts and cooked me food. He had my pictures around his house. I met his family and he met mine. One day we were arguing and he said, “It doesn’t matter anyway, I’m getting married next month.” 

    Rese, 18 

    The last relationship I was in was my first serious relationship. It was also my ex’s first so we didn’t have enough dating experience. Everything went well until the end. I feel like I’m the reason we broke up but maybe that’s just my need to blame myself for everything. We both sucked at communication. Initially, I would tell her the things she did that annoyed me but she would do it again within two days. Towards the end, instead of talking to her about it, I would hold it in my mind and resentment started to build. It wasn’t the best decision because I snapped. I told her she was useless and ended a call we were on. We didn’t speak for seven months after that.

    Nenye, 20 

    My ex was with someone else when we met. We were in the same university but I was a year ahead of her. Her boyfriend – at the time – had gone on IT for a semester so he wasn’t around when our thing started. We met through a mutual friend. We were always texting each other and spending time together. 

    One day, we were laying on my bed in school one night and she kissed me. I was shocked and when I asked her why she did it, she didn’t say anything. It didn’t matter because I was hooked. She kept telling me that she wasn’t like that and that she was dating someone else but I didn’t care — I just wanted to be with her. 

    The next semester her boyfriend returned and it was like I didn’t exist anymore. I kept buying her stuff and doing nice things for her to get her attention. We would go months without talking but whenever we got the chance to talk again, I would lose my sense of reasoning. This lasted for two years and then I left school. I think the main reason we lasted that long was because she was my first and I hadn’t fully come to terms with who I was at the time. She didn’t know what she wanted and eventually, I had to come to terms with that. 

    Emilia, 24

    It was a tumultuous relationship yet I didn’t see myself leaving. I tend to be closer to people I can learn from. To me, he was this person that had so much to teach me but that’s where the problem came from. I idolized him as a beacon of knowledge. Once you cross that line where you can’t differentiate between where their knowledge ends and where the gaslighting starts, it becomes difficult to see things for what they are. 

    It took me a long time to realize that this person whom I’ve surrendered myself to —  as a student and a lover —  was different from who I thought he was.  The gaslighting made me feel crazy. He made me feel like I was nothing without him so it was harder to leave than it was to stay. 

    He broke up with me after a while but I refused to let go. There were a lot of back and forth conversations before the end in 2018. Left to me, I’d still be in that relationship. Yet somehow, it has been my best so far because it opened my eyes to a lot of things I wouldn’t have known without him. 

    Olamide, 24

    Tunde* and I met on Obafemi Awolowo University campus. He was a foreign Master’s student from Liberia while I was a final year student. That period was the best time of my life. Sex with him was amazing. He introduced me to my body and taught me what sexual pleasure should feel like. He was good to me and particular about satisfying me. 

    He told me about his large family —  he has about 30 siblings. His father had many wives and he is the first child of his mother. His father is dead so his elder siblings controlled the family’s members activities. He always told me they might not like the idea of him marrying a foreigner, but he will try his best to convince them. I loved him and he was everything I wanted in a husband so I was quite hopeful. 

    After his Master’s programme, he went back home and discussed it with his family. They refused so we broke up. He got married a year later to a woman his family arranged for him. We still talk once in a while but I don’t initiate it because I respect his marriage. He also sends me money randomly. 

    R, 25

    I was in a non-exclusive relationship with this woman that lasted a year. It was absolutely beautiful. It was unique and it fulfilled me in many ways. Before her, I was used to being the sole giver in my relationships. I’d love you, cater for you, be your mum, your friend, your sister, everything and leave no room for you to be there for me but for the first time, someone wanted to give me love. One of her love languages was acts of service so she did a lot of things for me. 

    She understood mental health and made it easy to talk about the things that affected me. She was also kind to strangers. When I wanted to start a business and I was anxious about it, she got me some of the things I needed and constantly reminded me that I could do it.

    It ended because I wanted a more defined relationship and she wasn’t ready for it. We talked about it and decided that we had to break up. Even though there were no fights, it still hurt like a motherfucker and it took me the longest time to get over. Till now, I am not sure I am over her but I’m grateful for time and progress. She’s still a part of my support system. We’re even better friends now than we were in a relationship.

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