I’ve always been utterly fascinated by people who cheat on their partners and have always wondered what happened or why they decided to. Luckily, my job allows me to explore this curiosity and ask questions and get to the root of things like this. So I did just that. I spoke to several people I knew personally as well as people I met over the internet who have cheated on their partners and here are some of the most interesting answers I got from six Nigerian men who cheated on their partners on why they did so.
Abel, 31.
I honestly feel people are mostly lying when they give plenty of excuses as to why they cheat. For me, it was a decision – a bad decision but still a decision. I was at a party and this girl and we clicked. I knew this was a bad idea but I took her over to mine. I know I was aware enough and made that decision, there was no reason other than I was horny and saw an opportunity to have sex with someone attractive.
Charles, 24.
I’ve been in a relationship for over a year and I haven’t been faithful for about half of it. I know it’s a dick thing to say and do but after a while, people lose that special allure and you just want something different. I may cheat but I love her and treat her right. I just don’t think I can stay away from all the other many options of babes out there and I don’t want to open the relationship because I can’t imagine her being with someone else.
Eric, 26.
So what happened was someone was flirting with me heavily on Instagram and I wanted to say ‘no’ but he was fine and it felt good being flirted with like that. He eventually came over and we had sex. I can lie and say I forgot or any other excuse but I didn’t, to be honest. Anyways, it’s been months and he isn’t any wiser.
Harry, 29.
For me, it was actually simple. I wanted it to be an open relationship but when she refused, I simply went on to have an open relationship without her. I don’t have feelings for any of the girls I sleep with and I make sure they are people that are far removed from both of us to avoid drama. I don’t want to ruin our relationship but a closed relationship just won’t work for me so this is the best.
Derek, 27.
It happened when I was in my penultimate year. I cheated on my girl with this lady – let’s call her Lilian. I had been friends with Lilian longer than I’ve known my girl. And I’ve been trying to have sex with her since the first day I saw her. We would make out, she would talk and I’ll listen. We became close but didn’t have sex. All this while I was single and she was in between relationships. But on this faithful day, I went to see Lilian. Long story short she said ‘I need you now.’ We had sex but there was a problem, I didn’t nut. She came over to my house the next day and we had sex again and this time I was determined to nut but still nothing. The trippy thing though is I went back to school on Monday. Everything was sweet and smooth with my girl. When we tried to have sex, she went ‘did you cheat on me?’ I lied and said no because she had an exam that day. And the next day. Immediately after the exams, I told her and she was like ‘I knew.’ She goes why? and ‘can I see her pictures?’ I showed her and she goes ‘oh, you want bigger boobs or what’ or ‘is she freakier than me?’ I tell her ‘yes but that was not the reason I cheated’. Then she tells me she needs a reason and till today, I don’t have one.
Sam, 30.
We’d been together for about half a year, we’d met through a friend. It was great, he was smart and well-read. But then I realized he had a huge chip on his shoulder about our different economic circumstances. Also started to get the feeling he saw me as some sort of trophy. This was when he wasn’t making me feel undesirable. So yeah, I slept with his friend whilst we were together. We even all hung out together.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old gay man who recently discovered he is a side — a gay man who isn’t interested in penetrative sex. He talks about how this affects his sexual and romantic life and how he hopes to meet someone open-minded enough to know it’s not all about penetrative sex.
What was your first sexual experience?
It wasn’t consensual actually. We had a house help who would rub our genitals together and hump on me. I was nine and it went on for about two years before one of my aunties noticed that something wasn’t right. She immediately raised an alarm and the girl was sent packing. That was how I finally came to know peace.
That’s fucked up. I’m so sorry.
It’s fine. My first proper consensual sexual experience was when I was fourteen. It was with a guy I liked in secondary school. He was a year above me. One time, I went over to his and we kissed. That was when I had my first proper kiss. He was my first boyfriend.
Do you remember how it ended?
He went on to uni, then my family relocated. It made me sad that we didn’t keep in touch but I’m over it now. This was around the time I discovered masturbation.
Oh?
I think I was a late bloomer regarding masturbation. I didn’t know of it or start doing it till my mid-teens. I think other kids discovered it earlier.
Do you know why it took you longer?
I’m a very ‘mental person’. I exist largely in my head so it’s harder for me to do or connect with physical things like most people.
When you say you are a ‘mental person’ what does that exactly mean to you?
My relationships with people are very mental. I don’t know how to physically be present and enjoy or even really feel things. I exist in my head. I grew up alone and the only other person who was around me and that I would have connected with was the house help and because of the abuse, I couldn’t connect with her and had to close myself off from her. Now I don’t know how to leave my head and be physically present. With things like masturbation and even sex, it’s like I can’t turn my brain off long enough to get into them or enjoy them. So when it happened with masturbation, I was ecstatic.
Can you remember how it happened with masturbation?
I came across the word ‘masturbation’ and I was curious about it. Then I discovered porn and it kind of clicked. When I finally allowed myself to come, I was like ‘wow’.
Finally?
When I started masturbating, I never let myself climax. I just played with my genitals then stopped. One day, I went all the way off and it was magic.
LMAO. Fair enough. Do you remember any other memorable first time?
The first time I tried penetrative sex.
Oh? When was this?
When I was eighteen, I think. So I met this guy I had been texting on Facebook. The sex was not what I expected.
How so?
It was awkward. It didn’t help that the guy didn’t have a great technique and it was my first time. Before then, I had never had sex and all I knew about sex, especially sex between men, was from books, movies and porn. Let me tell you, it’s not at all the same.
I kept waiting for the moment I would enjoy it to hit, it never did.
Wow.
Yeah. I told my friends and they told me it was probably because it was my first time. I thought the same too for a while.
For a while?
I tried having sex a few times after that, and it didn’t quite hit. It bothered me for a while because I would get attracted to a person, flirt, go on dates sometimes, make out and even fool around. And I’d enjoy all of it. However when it came to penetrative sex? It never hit.
Did you have any partners around this time? How did they take it?
I dated two people. The first didn’t know — it was a short relationship — and I just pretended to enjoy it. I told the second one but he didn’t quite understand and that eventually led to the end of the relationship.
Damn, I’m so sorry.
Yeah. I stopped dating for a while because it felt pointless. It was around this point that I realised I was a side.
What’s a side?
Essentially, a side is a queer man who is not interested in penetrative sex.
Has it been easier since you made this discovery?
Yes and no. It’s great knowing that I am ‘normal” and that there are other people like me. However, being a side affects your chances of dating, having a serious or even a non-serious relationship. Sex — penetrative sex — is a huge part of dating and when that’s not on the table, your dating pool becomes almost none existent.
What’s your sex life like?
I don’t know if I have one. I’m trying to figure it out myself, I don’t know anyone who’s like me so it’s me trying to find guys who are open-minded enough to want to date someone who isn’t into penetrative sex.
These days, I don’t bother committing. I mess around, make out and sometimes have oral sex then just stop before they ask for more. People probably think I’m a player but in reality, I just don’t want to have to deal with rejection.
Have you wondered if this has anything to do with you always being in your head like you said?
I think it’s all connected but at the end of the day, these are things that make me the person that I am. I can’t change these things any more than I can change my sexuality. I do think I’m too in my head to be present to enjoy penetrative sex like most people but I don’t know for sure, what I do know is that this is me, this is who I am.
What do you think you need for your sex life to get to where you want it to?
To meet more people, even just one guy sef, who is open-minded enough to realise that sex doesn’t begin and end with penetrative sex.
On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your sex life?
Definitely a 1. It’s so unfortunate and trash to be honest.
If Bill and Melinda Gates‘ announcement has not already made you start rethinking this marriage thing, then at least come and find out just how long yours will last (or not).
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Talking About Our Breakup Helped Us Find Closure
Abeni*, 22, and Ifunanya*, 26, met on Twitter and dated for six months. Today on Love Life, they talk about their relationship and why it ended abruptly even though it was the best one they had both been in.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Ifunanya: One day, I was scrolling on Twitter and Abeni posted a screenshot of her Instagram page. She said she was rebranding and we should follow her there. Before then, I didn’t know how I followed her on Twitter. I went to her Instagram and followed her there as well.
Abeni: I saw a picture of her on Twitter and was like, “Who is this person with this bold energy?” Her picture was giving me life. I think that’s how I followed her on Twitter.
How did you two go from being followers to friends?
Abeni: It was during the lockdown.I tweeted about yoga and she sent a message that she would like to try it. We decided to do a session together. That night, we got on a FaceTime call. It was supposed to be about yoga, but we ended talking about everything else. That long call became something we did every other day.
Ifunanya: She’s lying. It was every other hour. We were always talking to each other. I had three crazy jobs at the time, but I still made time to talk to her. At some point, we both knew that we wanted to be in a relationship with each other. On my end, I was asking myself if I was ready to date again. My last relationship had ended so badly I didn’t want to rush into another. I took some time to process my feelings and one day, as soon as I woke up, I texted her, “I am ready”. She didn’t get it. I had to remind her while we were on the phone that I said I was ready. That’s when she realised and we became official.
What was dating like?
Abeni: Before we became official, we were already in a serious relationship in my head. But soon after, distance started to tell on us.
Ifunanya: It was hard. Some days, I would want to talk to my person, but the network would be so bad we wouldn’t be able to have a conversation. We tried regular phone calls, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her face. One time, she fell sick and I was scared it was COVID-19. Communication during that period was hard because she was too tired to call, and I couldn’t travel to see her. I was crying all the time. Another time, I broke down because I was overwhelmed at work and she wasn’t able to comfort me how I would have liked because she lived in a different city.
Abeni: I think the lack of physical intimacy and consistent communication sort of made our emotional bond stronger for me. After the travel ban was lifted, she visited me twice before we broke up.
Why did you two break up?
Abeni: It started with the level of communication on my part. Being in a relationship as intense as what we had was new for me. I felt like I had to do everything in my power to protect her. I always wanted to make her happy. Looking back, I realise that I should have shared what I wanted as well. Instead of communicating what I needed, I would tell myself what I was receiving was okay. For example, I was uncomfortable about how much she talked about her ex. I felt like there were some things about the relationship I needed to know, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know everything. I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t like it. It was as if we were living in different worlds. One day, she called me out on my lack of communication and that’s how the relationship ended.
How so?
Ifunanya: Honestly, I didn’t know she was not telling me certain things until the second time I went to see her. She was acting strange. I could tell she wasn’t saying something to me. When I returned home, I asked her what was going on and she reassured me that nothing was wrong. I remember texting my friend about it and she said, “Things can’t be smooth all the time.” I agreed, but in my head, I just knew we were over.
I got tired of waiting for her to say something other than “I’m fine”, and I called her. I explained how her behaviour in the past week had been affecting me and asked her to please tell me what was wrong. She apologised for not being able to communicate better, then said she had grown tired of the relationship and didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I understood being tired, but I didn’t understand why. I tried to talk more about it, but she wasn’t saying much. That period was frustrating for me.
After three months post-breakup, we talked about it. We didn’t blame each other for our breakup. That conversation made us realise that we both did things along the way that led to our end. We understood that both of us were just trying to represent ourselves. She wanted to be heard as much as I wanted to be heard.
Abeni: That conversation was a breakthrough for us. I was in a good place, and so I was able to take responsibility for my actions. Initially, I was defensive. The conversation made me feel lighter.
Ifunanya: Same. I felt like it was the first time you really talked to me. I had so much anger towards the breakup, but after that conversation, I was able to let it go. I knew she wouldn’t deliberately hurt me, but at some point, she had to choose herself and that meant hurting me. I just needed her to tell me that. I remember feeling like I was floating for the rest of the day. It was a good place compared to all the pain I had in my heart before.
What’s the relationship between you two like now?
Abeni: Last time we had this conversation, we decided we weren’t friends, but we are getting there. Sometimes we are fine having a conversation, but then I see her tweets about her being sexual with other people and I feel a rush of emotions. Ifunanya is someone I carry in my soul. I know she’ll be there, and we can work out a friendship or something in the future. But I love where we are right now.
Ifunanya: I still can’t follow her on social media. It’s just too much.
Abeni: LOL. Ifunanya is quite risqué on social media. Funny enough, we send each other funny tweets or Instagram pictures, but I think we will follow each other when we are ready.
What was the best part about your relationship?
Abeni: I had never felt love like that before. There were no doubts. It was all softness. Sometimes it felt like it was too good to be true. It was intense yet sweet. I learned a lot about myself being with Ifunanya. She always hyped me and made me feel great. My feelings were validated. She was like my twin, but one I was attracted to. LMAO.
Ifunanya: LMAO. I actually get it. Our synergy as a team was great. We both work in the creative sector. Both of us understood what creating good content takes. While we were together, we both had shitty jobs that took a lot of our time, but we helped each other with it. She would research ideas for my strategy plans. Whenever we created content calendars for the brands we worked for, we would share them with each other so we could recycle the content. I would edit her emails and anything else she wrote. The best part was that when we were physically together, nobody was hounding anybody for staying too long on their phone. We both understood and respected each other’s work.
What was your favourite thing about each other?
Ifunanya: I love the gap between her front teeth. I hate mine, but I think hers is sexy. I love her face too. She’s a gorgeous person. Abeni, you are a spec.
Abeni: Thank you. I think everything about your physical appearance is beautiful. Apart from that, there’s a way she carries the people she loves, and I love that about her. I also admire her strength.
Would you do it again?
Abeni: To be honest, yes, but I would do certain things differently.
Ifunanya: Same, but I think we need to be in different places in our lives for it to happen again.
Rate the relationship you both had on a scale of 1 to 10
Ifunanya: 6. This is the best relationship I have had in my adult life. For me, I feel like there was some growing we should have done before being in a relationship with each other.
Abeni: 7, because the relationship was great and it’s one I’d never forget, but certain things could have been done differently. It sucks how things ended.
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The subject of this week’s sex life is a 32-year-old heterosexual woman who is tired of having sex. She talks about her very sexually active 20s and how today, nothing about sex excites her, especially sex with her husband.
What was your first sexual experience?
In secondary school, there was a guy that I would go to preparatory classes with, and we would sneak to one side of an unused class and pretend to be reading. After a while, he would put his hands down my skirt and finger me. We did it for a long time, we never talked about it during the day, and we never pushed too far. However, one time I gave him a handjob.
How long did this go on?
About a year or so. I didn’t want to cross the line of penetrative sex because my family was religious.
How religious?
My dad is a senior pastor, and my mother was the chairwoman of the women in her church district. My grandfather was a pastor too, and my eldest sister is very religious.
It’s basically a family business.
When did you ‘cross the line’?
When I got to university. It’s funny how I didn’t want to ‘lose my virginity’ till marriage — I wanted to be special and all — but I lost it to a one-night stand.
How did that happen?
I met this guy at a friend’s party and we clicked well. He was smart and fun, and I was into everything about him, so we exchanged numbers. We talked for a while, and one day, I went over to his place and we had sex. I can’t even remember his name. But I have no regrets because I was old enough to have sense. It was a conscious decision to lose it, and I was aware enough of what that meant.
That sounds –
I also blocked his number immediately after.
Oh? Why?
I heard that some people have a level of ‘power’ over someone if they are the first person they had sex with, and I didn’t want to risk it, so I made sure it ended there and then.
What was your sex life like after that?
In one word, wild. After that experience, I wanted to experience it in all its flavour and omo, it was a ride. For three years, I was a free agent. I had fun, had sex, sometimes even regularly with one person. I even tried things with a woman, did an orgy, tried BDSM. I don’t think there’s anything sexual – that isn’t too dangerous or disgusting – that I didn’t try.
And during this period, you didn’t date anyone?
I eventually did, I dated two guys. I’ve never been big on relationships and commitment. I still don’t think I am. I dated someone for two months, and the next person I dated has been my husband for two years. We dated for one year and eight months. I kind of got married out of boredom.
Run that by me again.
Lmao. So I had a really fun hoe phase for a while, then stopped. After this, I dated someone – the person I dated for two months – and went back to my hoe lifestyle.
After a while, I got bored with all of it. I still had sex, but it wasn’t as exciting to me. Then I met my husband. He is the sweetest guy in the world, but man, he is boring.
How so?
He doesn’t try new things, he isn’t fun and random in the way I am, and I wish he were. I’ll send thirst traps, and his replies are very boring and meh. I have to physically drag him out for us to go out. I’m the opposite.
Why did you marry him if you guys are so different?
Stability. He is a rock, extremely stable and always there for you. At the time, I had lost my mum and needed something or someone to fall back on. And it was him and marriage. I sound like I hate it and him, but I don’t. I love the man, but I wish he could excite me more.
How has that affected your sex life?
If I blow down my vagina, I think dust bunnies will rise.
Wow.
I’m kidding. We do have sex, but not as often as I envisioned I would be having sex as a married woman. Like twice or thrice in a month, and it’s just usually just okay.
Considering how sexually active you used to be, does this frequency bother you?
So mine is an interesting case. Before I met my husband, I had a bit of a depression where I wasn’t having sex as often. I was bored with life and sex. The depression left, but my sex drive didn’t return. Sometimes, I wonder if I used up all my sex drive and libido in my 20s and now in my thirties, it’s very meh.
What’s your sex life like right now?
Honestly, compared to my 20s? Non-existent. Like I said, my husband and I do have sex, but it’s like once a week or every few weeks, and it’s not exciting to me. I find it hard to blame him because I feel like it’s a me-issue.
Why do you think so?
My husband might not be the most exciting person, but it is my sex drive that is gone, not his. He has always been like this, from what I gather. Last year, I tried cheating on him, and when I got to the place, I didn’t feel anything. So I left. That’s when I realised my sex life problems were my fault.
Have you talked to your husband or anyone about it?
If I tell my husband, he’ll think I’m attacking him for being boring or something. If I tell my friends, they’ll think I just want to have my hoe phase again, which isn’t true. So I’m thinking of seeking therapy.
Do you have a theory why this happened?
Maybe I’m still depressed, but don’t know it, or I’m a late-blooming asexual person. I frankly don’t know.
How would you rate your sex life?
Don’t you need Sex Life to rate it? I guess one or two because sometimes I have sex with my husband. I miss when sex was a thing I yearned for and when I used to get orgasms. God, when next?
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As told to Mariam
In March, Kachi* messaged me to say she had a story for me about her relationship with her mum. We had a conversation and here’s what she told me:
The relationship I have with my mum is the kind of relationship people have with their sisters. Maybe it is because I am all she has and she is all I have. But I think even if I had siblings, we would still be close because she is not like the typical Nigerian parent. First of all, she is only 43 and has a small stature like me. When we walk together, people often assume we are siblings. There are some things she does though that may mimic the typical Nigerian parent, especially when it concerns religion. She is the kind of Christian that replies “You’re not dead in Jesus name” to jokes. She takes church seriously but has never pressured me to do the same. These days, we talk about the holes in the Bible’s plot and misogynist pastors.
Some people accuse her of indulging me too much. This makes no sense to me because I was also spanked as a child. She pays them no mind though because she prefers civil conversation. She grew up in the typical Nigerian home where there were unspoken rules you could not break and she did not want that for us. When I was about 7, she stopped trying to correct me with her hands but we still have our fair share of fights. One time, we used to fight a lot about me going out. We would argue for hours but we eventually found a way around it. She explained her concerns about my safety and how she misses me when I’m gone so I try to be home early. I also gist her about what happened where I went so she doesn’t feel left out.
In the typical arrangement in a Nigerian home, children are not allowed to talk back to their parents but my mum and I fight like agemates. We would sit down and talk deeply about our issues — who went wrong, why and how we can be better for each other. If I say something hurtful to her, she can tell me about it and vice versa. She does not believe in avoiding apologies so when she is wrong, she won’t do things like cooking my favourite food or giving me money as other parents do. She would apologize and make sure I am okay. After resolving a fight, we hug and call each other best friends.
My friends always tell me how much they like her. I understand it because when I go to their houses, their parents are always so stiff. They just greet and that’s all the interaction they have apart from scolding. In my house, they are free to talk to my mum as they like. Sometimes, when they are unable to reach me, they call her. One time, she picked up the phone pretending to be me and my friend didn’t even notice. When my friends tell me that they can’t talk about guys around their mother, I can’t relate because my male friends can even call my mum’s phone to talk to me. Sometimes, she already knows who I like before I say it. This is because of how often we gist. When I like someone, I talk about them a lot. She would pick up on that and ask me without being weird.
However, there are some things I can’t tell her. I have always known that I am queer and I prefer being with women. I am still trying to make sense of a lot of things about myself so I try not to pressure myself with labels. It’s a secret I am hyper-aware of because my mum wants me to be more womanly and act my age. She says this because I hate hair extensions and only wear T-shirts and jeans. She thinks it makes me look like a teenager. But I am not ready for the heavy conversation we will have when I tell her. She will have a lot of questions I do not have the answers to yet. I will eventually tell her but only under different financial circumstances.
She works so hard and money is getting harder to earn. I do not want to tell her something that might destabilize her even more. I am very protective of her just as she is of me. She understands my emotions and respects them. When she notices that I am sad, she gives me space and offers comfort from afar until I am ready to talk about it. She doesn’t just jump to my defence when I tell her someone offended me. She asks for explicit details and uses the information to evaluate whether I am wrong or right as a friend would. When I am wrong, she points it out and asks me to apologise or do the right thing. When I am right, she asks me what I need from her.
In the same way, I look out for her. On one occasion, she was having issues at work and because she is a soft person, she broke down mentally. I asked her what was wrong and she told me everything. I was trying to be tough for her but it hurt me to see her hurting like that. I wish I could give her all the money she needs so she won’t have to face difficult situations. It is why I work so hard to make her proud.
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You are planning on entering another talking stage or you want to permanently remain in the streets? Well, here are five places you can hide your mumu button so they can never trap you in a relationship.
1) Google meets comment section
This disappears immediately after the video is over. The next time you are having a meeting just type “Sorry, just need to drop my mumu button”. Solid plan 10/10.
2) In the bank
If you drop your mumu button in the bank, consider it gone for life. Every single time you want to try to retrieve it, the sight of the long queue is enough to make you go back to your house. It will also make you think twice. The person you want to retrieve the it for, are they worth standing under hot sun for?
3) At the bottom of your lip balm
How many people ever use lip balm till it gets finished? Just hide your button there and be glad knowing it will never get discovered.
4) Satan
One day in your room, just summon Satan and ask him to hold your mumu button. Tell him that if you ever want to collect the button back, you will perform a human sacrifice. Now, you will belong to the streets forever.
5) With someone else
I know this might seem ridiculous, but what is the worst thing that could happen if you choose to keep it with someone else? Just make them promise never to press it.
For more on what is inside this life, please click here
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We have already written a guide on how to escape a talking stage, but that was for people who want to go straight to the relationship stage. However, this article is for those who know the talking stage is going nowhere and want to end it. Here’s a list of easy ways to end a talking stage that is going nowhere.
1.Tell them your pastor doesn’t like them.
Tell them you consulted your pastor about your life and your relationship and your pastor said they don’t fit into your destiny.
2.Travel to Canada without telling them.
They’ll get the memo when they can no longer reach you. You might think this is childish, but it seems like an upgrade to us. If you cannot afford Canada, you can easily take a bus to Abeokuta or Nasarawa. If you want to know how to get to Canada without a visa, we have a guide here.
3.Send them a 5 pages essay on why you can’t be with them.
By the time they see it, they’ll lose interest in reading it and talking to you. No one in their right mind would read it anyway. Make sure you have a summary at the end.
4.Post your wedding pictures on the internet.
If we’ve learnt anything from Yoruba men, it is this exact move. Who wants to be a homewrecker? No one, or so we think. Once they see your wedding photo, they’ll figure out the rest by themselves.
5.Get under someone
We don’t make the rules, the best way to move on from a failed talking stage is to get under someone. It can be someone old, or someone new, that’s up to you to decide. Seems like a perfect distraction if we are being honest.
They’ll leave you alone once they see you are a liability, a little shame for a bigger reward.
7.Block them.
We personally think this one is a little extreme, but the goal is for them to think you’ve fallen off the face of the earth. Block them everywhere and carry on with your life.
8.Legally change your name so you can have complete deniability.
If they mistakenly reach out to you, you can easily tell them that they are talking to the wrong person. Even when they try to argue, you’ll tell them that many people look alike and their confusion is not your fault. Not extreme at all.
9.Do plastic surgery.
This is very much like changing your name, but it’s more effective. It’s not like we are encouraging bad things, but you can feign ignorance when they see you in public. Sounds perfect to us.
10.Introduce them to your friend that you do not like.
The fact that you don’t like your friends doesn’t mean they won’t. Since your friend doesn’t like you too, they’ll be more than happy to steal your man. Win-Win
11.Start supporting Buhari.
If this doesn’t work, then you’ll know that person is very very scary and should not be trusted.
I am genuinely fascinated by relationship dynamics between Nigerians especially when it comes to giving gifts to their partners. So I set out to speak to as many Nigerian men who were willing to speak to me and asked them who the most generous partner they’ve ever had is. And the answers amazed me.
Here are some of my favourites.
Samuel, 26. We dated for about 6 months. She had a jewellery business and she was doing okay. I think her love language was gift-giving cause she couldn’t get enough of gifting me. She’d see something on the TL that she feels would look good on me and she’ll order it. She got me a phone because my phone went bad. At the times, I was depressed she’d take me out on getaways for days to get my mind off stuff. I was working at an investment bank and one time my laptop spoilt and she wanted to send me hers immediately. I started the gift-giving thing in the relationship but she continued and surpassed me even, I’ve never seen anything like that.
Eric, 25. I dated a girl for about a year and she spent most of the relationship just buying me stuff. On my birthday, she bought me an iPad and paid for a three days stay in Lagos. The funniest thing is she enjoys watching you open gifts and seeing your face. She would buy me things and be excited about me opening the gifts. At first, I thought it was an ‘I buy for you, you buy for me’ kind of thing where she was buying gifts for me and wanted me to buy bigger and better ones in the future but I eventually learnt that was not the case. She was at a very high earning job at the time and so could afford it, she left the country to pursue higher education before COVID-19 started. Yet, even as she is abroad and even though we have technically broken up, she still sends me ASOS and Amazon packages. Most of the shoes I wear today are from her.
Akin, 32. I had a girlfriend in Uni who would come over with food whenever she felt I was without food. She had a side business selling second-hand clothes to other students so always had extra money. There was a year where I couldn’t pay my fees because my parents were broke and so was I. She came over and told me not to worry and gave me her savings. I was dumbfounded because this woman was feeding me and taking care of me and still paying my fees. She still holds a special place in my heart.
Tolu, 30. I think my most generous partner is my current girlfriend. She doesn’t ever come to see me without a gift. On special days – Christmas, birthdays, valentine’s day – she goes all the way. Food, clothes, gadgets, babe doesn’t carry last at all. Sometimes it bothers me because I wonder if she thinks she has to buy my love and when we first started dating, I was worried she was using gifts to compensate for something but the other shoe is yet to drop so we move.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
The talking stage is the period of getting to know someone with the hope of it becoming serious. If you’ve been in one too many talking stages, and you’ve had enough, then this article is for you. Here are a few tips on how to escape the talking stage.
1.Tell them straight up that you want to marry them.
Yes it is.
Take them by surprise and take yourself by surprise too. You guys can get to know yourselves better in the course of planning a wedding.
2.Tell them that your pastor told you that they are the one for you.
The trick is as old as time. If God has said it, then so be it.
3.Give them the contact information of your previous talking stages.
Tell them to call your exes to find out whatever they need to know. If they aren’t pleased with what they hear, they can go.
4.Create a spreadsheet of all your life experiences and share it with them.
This is actually the easiest way to escape the talking stage. Once you meet someone, share the doc with them. If they like what they’ve read then you guys can proceed from there.
5.Tweet about everything that goes on in your life.
Make sure they follow you on Twitter first sha, if they follow you on Twitter then they’ve seen it all.
6. Have a voice note of all your relevant information.
This is just like the spreadsheet, but it’s for people that don’t like to read. There’s only a little difference between this and an actual talking stage, this one is just shorter.
