Friendships provide some of the support required for us to bloom in life. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about their platonic friendships with men.
Funmi, 22
I have a lot of platonic male friends. I find friendship with them therapeutic and less competitive than the ones I have with women. Also, men judge less. I feel freer with them. I feel like it’s safer to tell them secrets. Generally, the vibe is different and more lively with men.
Most importantly, because women and men tend to view things differently, friendship with men helps me develop other views about topics and gain insight into how men think.
Esther, 20
I have had, and still have great platonic relationships with men. Some of my oldest friends are men. However, being friends with men can become weird when they start saying shit about women. Most of the guys I’m friends with hardly do this, but there’s one or two who would sit down and say nonsense about women just because they can.
Being friends with men can also be interesting. Most of these hard guys are just babies on the inside — they just need someone to talk to and someone to listen to them.
Bliss, 25
Having guys as platonic friends is the best kind of friendship for me. I don’t have a lot of friendships with women because I find that I have very little in common with them. My male friends have pushed me at school, in my career, even financially. They also give me great advice. I’d pick guy friends over girlfriends any day.
Vanessa, 26
My best friend is a guy. We’ve been friends since secondary school. We attended the same boarding school. When my dad died, the teachers called him to the staff room to tell him to tell me because everyone knew he would know the best way to comfort me. 11 years and he’s still the best.
We argue sometimes but we never go a week without talking. People usually think we are dating and it has brought problems in some of our romantic relationships. One time, we kissed to see what it would feel like. It felt weird. We laughed about it and told each other we were never trying it again.
Olakitan, 20
For me, it’s an okay experience. Most times, they end up being attracted to you. It happened to me one time. We were cool and he was even one of my female friends’ exes. We texted often and then one time, he told me he had feelings for me. I tried to laugh it off but he said he was serious and he wanted to date me. I told him I wasn’t interested and he said he wasn’t in a hurry. The truth is I am not interested and I am glad he has not brought it up again.
Asides from this, I have other male friends who send me money without any attachments or expectations. They support me when they can. They’ve listened to me cry through heartbreak before.
Zee, 21
Honestly, platonic friendships with men can be quite frustrating. I have this male friend and he’s sort of my best friend. The friendship started platonically but I started to catch feelings. Hard girl like me.
He doesn’t feel the same way and he has a girlfriend so I have to go back to being just a friend. I also have to be happy for him because he has a girlfriend and he is happy. That’s what a good friend does, right? But deep down, I wish we were more.
Hope, 23
Platonic friendships with men have been a mix of good and bad for me. The friendships always start great but along the line, they become something else. The guys either want to date me or simply have sex. I have been accused of being too warm and sweet by two of my male friends. When the friendship ends because I am unable to reciprocate those feelings, I end up being hurt. It’s a painful cycle but I have learned the art of letting go.
Now, I have a few male friends who have remained friends and I cherish them. I no longer make new male friends because I can’t predict how it will end.
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Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old heterosexual man. He talks about how exploring unconventional forms of sex and chasing excitement helped him find sexual liberation.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old heterosexual man. He talks about how exploring unconventional forms of sex helped him find sexual liberation.
What was your first sexual experience?
It was with a neighbour. We were in SS1 but in different schools. We also went to the same lesson classes. One day, we found ourselves in a room together and started touching each other. I don’t think there was sexual attraction, it was just a case of opportunity and curiosity.
Did it happen just once or… ?
Oh no. It happened for years. We never talked about it — it just happened. It progressed from touching to humping to sex. I was about 15 around this time.
Why did it stop?
No reason. It just did. The same way it started was the same way it just stopped.
How did your sex life progress?
Afterwards, I started having feelings — puberty and stuff. You know how when you’re writing WAEC in a Nigerian school, there’s a bit of freedom that wasn’t there before? That period was a sexual awakening for me. I would stay back after school to kiss girls and sometimes do a bit more. It was an exciting time. But it didn’t kickstart till perhaps university.
University was a whole new world. I had freedom like never before. I felt like a responsible adult, but I learned that being a responsible adult was tiring.
At home, I couldn’t even bring a male friend home. But at uni, I had a shared apartment and could bring home male friends and even female friends.
I hooked up with people and started doing casual sex as well.
Did you enjoy the sex?
Yes. It was pretty good. I’ll be honest; I’ve always had a good sex life. I think I’m good looking, people think so and I’ve always been able to get the girls.
At this point, I was having casual sex often enough. Then I got into a short-lived relationship.
Why was it short-lived?
The babe was annoying. It was stressful, especially since I was in a stressful environment — a Nigerian university. God forbid. So I ended it.
After this, I had a casual-sex-only period, then entered a long relationship. This one ended because I cheated on her. That was on me.
Why did you cheat?
I was bored. That’s not a valid reason for most people, but it’s the truth. I wanted excitement. A few months into the relationship, I was tired. I wanted sexual excitement, I wanted to be on my toes. Cheating had a bit of danger and a change of pace, so I did it. The cheating sex wasn’t all that, but that touch of danger was everything. She eventually found out because there’s nothing like a secret in Lagos.
How did that feel?
Awful. I did not want to hurt someone I loved. People never want to hear what the cheating person has to say, but I genuinely didn’t want to hurt her.
But you wanted sexual excitement?
I wanted danger and excitement in my sex life. Which by the way, was a thing I found out was essential to my sex life.
Can you explain?
I like penetrative sex. However, I easily get bored of it. It doesn’t wow me; it’s just like “6/10”. For a while, I didn’t quite know what was missing, but I knew I needed something to spice it up.
Did you find it?
Yeah, but I like to believe I’m still finding it.
Please explain.
It started with a bit of BDSM and role-playing. I dated this girl who was into it, and I realised I wasn’t as repulsed by it as I thought. So we gave it a go: she dominated me, I dominated her. That was when I first thought, “Yo, this is good.” After that, I started pushing myself. I stopped saying no to “unusual” forms of sex. It’s taken me a long time, but there are very few things that I can not get into. My main exceptions are things that involve waste products — knives, guns, creepy age play and rape play. I don’t do those.
What do you do?
Roleplay is a personal favourite. Pegging, BDSM, spanking, bondage, and frankly, most things. Like the saying goes, I’m here for a good time.
What’s your sex life like now?
LMAO. It’s popping. I have always had a good sex life, but now? Great. The best part is how I know myself now. In the past, I never explored. I just did what I thought was expected of me.
If someone had told me that one day, I would be okay getting dominated or having someone use a dildo on me, I would laugh and probably throw up. But I’m glad I explored myself and found my limits as well as my sweet spots.
What about relationships?
A lot of women don’t want to push the boundaries. They find a man who wants to do something, and they run for the hills. That leaves me with a very small dating pool. I’m okay with that. It’s a good way to filter people. I’ve been single for the past year, but before that, I had great relationships with women who were willing to explore themselves as well as explore me.
Do you feel like more men should try non-conventional forms of sex?
Absolutely. One hundred per cent. Not everyone is for it, and that’s fine. However, there’s nothing wrong with trying stuff out. How do you know it’s not for you if you’ve never tried it? Vanilla sex is great, but there’s so much more to life and sex.
How would you rate your sex life?
8/10. Great sex, but I do wish it happened a bit more and the pool was bigger.
Living with an anxiety disorder can be frustrating especially when in the company of those who do not understand it. In this article, ten Nigerian women living with anxiety talk about how it affects their relationships.
Bimbo, 25
I’m always scared that something bad has happened to my partner, so daily calls are a must for me. The worst thing a partner can do to me is to give me the silent treatment. I would be scared that they’ve been kidnapped or something worse. I broke up with someone a few months ago because of this.
It’s the second time it’s happened. He ignored me for about a week and when he messaged me, he said I said something he didn’t like. Meanwhile, I kept texting him and calling every day but he never responded. A part of me knew he was ignoring me but I thought he couldn’t do that to me — he knew about my anxiety. I couldn’t forgive it, I had to let him go.
Bibs, 33
I’m diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. In my previous relationship, I couldn’t talk about it because I was still trying to accept that anxiety was a part of my life. I used to hide my pills so they wouldn’t ask any questions.
In my current relationship, I started out not wanting to talk about it either and it was easier because it was a long-distance relationship. Whenever I went to visit her, I wouldn’t take my pills because I didn’t want her to find out but then I started having mood swings. Eventually, I told her about it.
It was heavy for her to handle because she had not met anyone living with anxiety before me. Sometimes, she would think I was overreacting or say, “it’s all in your head”, which was the truth but it wasn’t as simple as that.
I asked her to educate herself on anxiety and when she was done, she was more understanding — she avoided trigger words and helped calm me down in times of distress. I also try to be more understanding with her because I know it’s difficult. For example, my pills help boost my moods but it also affects my libido so we came up with a plan. On days where I don’t feel like having sex, she can touch me while she gets off on her own with my consent.
We navigate every day differently but it takes genuine conversations and understanding that the world isn’t as black and white as it might be portrayed.
Alex, 19
My anxiety comes from childhood trauma. I didn’t attend to it so now it’s way worse. Thankfully, I have friends who are accepting and understanding. Romantic relationships, on the other hand, have not been smooth. I’ve had someone leave me because according to him, I required an unreasonable amount of attention and it was too much for him.
Recently, I had an argument with this guy I’m getting to know because he felt like my anxiety is “our” anxiety. I’m an emotional person and I love being in romantic relationships but once doubt sets in, my anxiety and insecurities come alive. There’s not a lot he can do about that. I tried to explain to him that as much as I appreciate the effort, it’s not a battle we get to fight together but he thinks he can help me get through it. I don’t like the idea of that because I don’t want to rely on someone to feel better.
Tosin, 21
I have always been an anxious partner in my relationships. Any small thing triggers my anxiety — sometimes when we hug and go our separate ways and he doesn’t look back, I panic. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions every day. I want to end the relationship I have now but I will be sad. He has been understanding but I also think he doesn’t understand the gravity of what the anxiety does to me. I have lost weight because of anxiety. I have been trying to find ways to manage the situation better but there’s only so much my mind can let me do.
I pray about it now but I still experience anxiety. I think I am too attached to my partner so I’m working on detaching. I try to keep at most two days of communication space between us for a healthy balance.
Oma, 18
Being in a relationship when you have anxiety is definitely not a smooth experience. I always feel like I’m doing too much or bothering my partner so I distance myself from him sometimes. This has caused a lot of problems between us. I also withhold my emotions because I don’t want to scare him off. Plus, there’s the constant fear that he’s going to leave me because I’m not good enough. Bottom line is, an insensitive person can’t deal with this because he just won’t get it.
Chi, 27
Anxiety was one of the things that led to the end of my last relationship. He didn’t understand my mental health struggles and wasn’t willing to. The relationship deteriorated because of the constant fights we had. Things weren’t going well for me and it made my mental health worse. With all of the things I was going through, I still found the strength to be there for him because that’s what love is supposed to be about but he didn’t feel the same. I’m glad he ended things because it pushed me to seek help and I’m more in control now.
Now I am seeing someone who understands and it’s amazing. Even though I’m in counselling, my new partner always knows when I am struggling and is always there to listen. He is truly a blessing.
Jumoke, 25
I was in a talking stage with someone for a few weeks and one of the things I used to worry about was that this person absolutely refuses to wear seatbelts. They also wouldn’t call me back when they said they would. Whenever I didn’t hear from them, I would assume that they’d had an accident and died somewhere.
One time, my brother didn’t get home on time and I was panicking so much. I called this person and they told me to calm down and ended the call. I know not everybody can handle mental health issues but omo, I told them I couldn’t talk to them again.
Ayo, 21
When I was younger, I was sexually molested by someone in my family. Since then, I’ve been wary of men. It’s like a tiny part of me tells me all men are perverts despite the fact that I’ve actually met some great guys. There was a guy I liked for the longest time but I kept sabotaging things with him. I pretended that I didn’t care about him. I kept looking for faults in him, so I could convince myself he wasn’t that great. Suffice to say, things really didn’t go as planned. Anytime I thought of us in a relationship, I got anxious. I remember one time when I had a panic attack because I was thinking about what it would be like to date him. My entire family watched me hyperventilate and it scared them but I couldn’t tell them what was wrong because I felt foolish.
We were really good friends and I also didn’t want to ruin that. I suspect he knew how I felt but didn’t bring it up since I didn’t want to talk about it. I still wish we could be more than friends but I’m too afraid of what being in a relationship might entail. I look at my friends who have been in successful relationships and I wonder how they do it.
I wish I could be different. I want to know what it feels like to love and be loved but I’m also scared that no man would accept me after what happened to me as a child.
When I am in a relationship, I am not scared of things like cheating or how he pressed his toothpaste. Instead, I worry that my partner would fall out of love with me and this makes me withdraw. Any change in mood from my partner and I feel like his feelings for me have changed.
It’s frustrating and hard to explain. I told a male friend about this and he summed it up to me being a proud pretty girl. It’s even more frustrating when people I trust don’t believe that it’s not intentional.
Last year I met a guy online, he wasn’t in Nigeria so we communicated through WhatsApp video calls a lot. I loved talking to him but the panic set in and I started to pull away — I stopped replying to his messages as fast as I used to. When he brought it up, I ignored the message. I didn’t know how to tell him that I was worried he’d stop liking me and I’d be the only one in the relationship. Eventually, we stopped talking and I buried the feeling. Sometime this year, he told me that he thought I wasn’t interested in knowing him anymore. LOL. If only he knew.
Joy, 21
It’s as if I’m in constant doubt, no matter what he does or says. I always think my boyfriend is playing me and it has also caused issues in past relationships. Even in this relationship, I am always questioning what he does and what he says. One day he snapped and said, “Joy, you are pushing me. Why do you have to question everything I do?”
These days, I try to not let my triggers get to me. For example, when he doesn’t call or message me like he promised, I tell myself he’s probably tired and sleeping. Sometimes, I just make the call myself.
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I believe in astrology but I don’t exactly live by it. Even though I know that the compatibility of signs does not determine the success of a relationship, I think of astrology as a guide. From my experience, Virgos can be very manipulative, selfish and dishonest.
I have been with Virgos twice and the experience was the same, I thought the first one treated me with little respect because I was dating him, it was worse with the second one, he was way more selfish and manipulative. He was not even a boyfriend, he was just my FWB.
So far, Geminis are the best people I have been with. I am also in a much better place now after my experiences with Virgos.
I do not like any Pisces, male or female, but the male Pisces are the worst. They always want to play the victim even when they have been the ones who hurt you. Pisces hurt you and come back to cry to you about how they are in pain because of their actions. I also find them to be very manipulative and emotionally draining.
They are dishonest to everyone, including themselves. Pisces also get attached very easily, I think that’s a little needy and immature.
I’m Cancer, I dated this Gemini dude when I was in 200L, we started off cool. I thought I had finally found HIM but he had been cheating all along. He brought another person who he told me was just a friend, but this same friend of his unknowingly to him was an old career acquaintance of mine. Long story short, they shagged while they thought I was asleep.
We broke 8 months later because he was caught having sex with an older man and got arrested by the Nigerian Police. His arrest really messed me up because I had to involve my family after our texts were found on his phone.
I didn’t take astrology seriously till I met a Pisces. I started reading about zodiac signs to understand her behaviour because a lot of it didn’t make sense. From my experience, pisces are quite dishonest and very manipulative, they don’t tell themselves the truth too.
According to astrology, our signs are supposed to be the most compatible, but I have been at peace since we went our separate ways.
Sometimes we get overwhelmed and make decisions we later regret. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about why they regret leaving their ex.
Tomisin, 25
My ex used to send me not less than 50k every month. He moved abroad and after two months, he told me he has fallen in love with someone else. I was angry for a while but I eventually agreed to the breakup. Now I am broke and I miss him.
Efe, 22
I left him because I was young and I was too ashamed and worried about what people would think of me dating him. I didn’t want anyone to know I was in a relationship so I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He was so good to me and I miss him. I often think of how things would have been today if I didn’t care what people thought.
Aisha, 31
I left him because he was hanging out with someone I didn’t like. I was angry and he knew that but he didn’t address it. That made me even angrier so I went to be with someone else.
I regret it because I realized I was still madly in love with him and so was he. We continued the relationship but we kept using other people to make each other jealous. When we broke up, we dated other people but we would cheat on them with each other. It was crazy. Our love was intense and sometimes I miss it.
Chichi, 24
I feel like I didn’t acknowledge the fact that they were quite rich while I was in the relationship. Now I need that money in my life.
Bimbo, 18
I felt the relationship was going too fast so I broke up with him. He asked me to meet his parents and in my head, I was like, abeg oh, I am just. So I left. But now I regret leaving him because I feel like I lost someone good to and for me. I think he was better than I deserved but it’s too late to get him back.
Tumi, 23
I miss her sometimes because she was the kind of girlfriend anyone would like. She was sweet and we talked very often. It was a long-distance relationship and she was always trying to control my decisions. She was also always asking for money and I don’t have a lot. I wasn’t used to any of it so I broke up with her. Now I miss her because sure, she is overbearing but isn’t everyone else?
Ebi, 21
My ex was the sweetest person ever. Even though she initiated the breakup, I didn’t fight for us and I wish I did. I stopped reaching out to her and moved on. I found out a couple of months after the breakup that she was dealing with some personal issues at the time and didn’t mean to break up with me. I feel like if I had paid more attention I would have known but I was thinking about how much she hurt me with the breakup. She taught me how to love and I will always be grateful to her.
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Amongst the other things Twitter is to people — the source of information and access to opportunities, it is also a place to find the love of your life. In this article, eight Nigerian women talk about meeting their partners on Twitter.
Lili
My partner and I started talking on Twitter in 2016. He tweeted something about being irreligious and I found it ludicrous. I messaged him for his number and we started talking. We met for the first time at a creative event and remained friends. We slowly went from talking once in a while to talking every day. Occasional hangouts followed, and by January 2019 we had started dating.
Amaka
My boyfriend and I had been following each other for a while, but I don’t think we ever interacted until last year. One day, I tweeted that I needed a plug for something and he sent me a vendor’s contact.
A few months later, I deactivated my account because life was being a bitch. He noticed I was gone for a while and when I returned, he messaged me to check in. Checking in turned to hours on the phone. We both love music so we would listen to music together over the phone via Spotify’s group session.
A week later, we decided to meet in person. The morning of the meeting, he told me he liked me and I responded, “Oh, you do? I had absolutely no idea. It’s not like we spent hours on the phone depriving each other of sleep like we don’t have work.” That weekend was the best weekend I had had in a while. We started dating a month later and we are 10 months in now.
Omegie
I had given up trying to find a partner in real life and I felt like Twitter would be a better place to find love. I thought I could easily find people like myself whose values aligned with mine. My partner and I met in March. She wasn’t active on Twitter but we had interacted a few times. One day, I tweeted, “Like this tweet and I will tell you what I think about you.” She liked it and I messaged. We immediately clicked in a way I hadn’t with anyone else before. We moved to WhatsApp and started doing video calls. We officially started dating in May. Sometimes, I wish we met in real life because Twitter is where I hide from reality. I tweet all my thoughts unguarded so her having access to that makes me feel watched but she’s reasonable and understanding. We hardly interact on the timeline and I think that’s because we have a lot of other platforms that we talk more on. I go through our old Twitter chats when I need something to smile about.
Layo
My boyfriend and I went to the same primary school. We weren’t in the same set, so we weren’t in contact. One day, a video of him went viral and I messaged him to ask if he went to our primary school. He said yes and that’s how we started talking. We met a couple of times and it’s been great ever since.
Nene
Before my partner and I started dating, I had been seeing her tweets. She looked hot and seemed to have sense but I wasn’t sure she was queer.
One day, I texted her to say she looked familiar and that she is really cute. It turned out her sister and I went to school together. I thought it would be a turn off for her but it wasn’t. We kept talking and two weeks later, we went out together. That day, I realized that she was someone I didn’t want to ever be without. Every day, I experience love in new ways with her. It feels good to watch myself change positively.
Ella
When I relocated to his state, I put up a tweet asking people in that state to like it. He did that and commented. That’s how we became friends. Although we hit it off, we had no intentions of dating. This changed when we met a month ago and realized that we were in love. We have been dating for a few weeks.
Twitter suggested my account to my husband for him to follow. He said he looked at my profile picture and read my blog before following me. I saw his profile picture, and I followed back. He messaged to say hello and that’s how we started chatting every day.
We met up a few weeks later and it went well. We started dating shortly after. Now, we are married with two kids.
Ife
I followed my boyfriend on Twitter. His bio at the time was, “I am a lot of things.” I messaged him asking him to share some of the things he was. His reply was funny and the conversation continued. We talked off and on for about eight months. We started talking about feelings in January 2020. By February, we started dating.
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Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year gay man who has a reputation for being a player. He talks about how his reputation for sleeping around is affecting his sex life and making him rethink everything he has done.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was 16, and it was with a boy from church. We were at a teen camp and kept exchanging glances. One day, when a session was going on at the church, I returned to the hostel because I was tired. I saw him outside his hostel, and we got talking. After a while, I went to sit at his bedside, then he touched me and then it just happened.
The things that went down at those camps.
See. I later learned that things like that happen a lot. We kept in touch for a while before we drifted apart — we didn’t have much in common, so it was bound to happen. This experience woke up something in me.
How so?
I knew I was gay before that happened but I had never really considered a relationship or sex with a man because I come from a very religious family so I hadn’t thought of that possibility. Before the guy and I lost contact, he told me how queer people in Nigeria like us use the internet to identify ourselves. This was back when Facebook was everything- so it was basically Facebook groups and eventually WhatsApp group chats – that’s how I found queer people and started making friends. And eventually, lovers.
Lovers?
Yeah, I flirted with several people after a while and eventually hooked up with some people. Those were some of my hookups with people and learning about sex and gay sex in particular.
Around this period, I slept with a woman for the first and last time.
OH? How did that happen?
So there was a girl at school who was being very flirtatious with me. One day, she texted me to come over because no one was at home. I knew I was gay, but a part of me was curious about whether or not I was bisexual. However, I went because I could. So I did.
How was it?
Oh my God, it was horrible. I was having the sex and thinking to myself, ‘I am hundred per cent gay, wow.’
Lmao. What did that experience change in you?
Not much. It just made me realise I was gay all the way.
Most of these happened in your teens, right? What was your sex life in your twenties?
Wild. In my twenties, I lived alone and started living. There was a period I had sex almost every day. And on the weekends, I was going from one party to an orgy to a sex party. It was wild to think of. I don’t know if I was trying to compensate for something, but I did a madness that period.
What switched between your teens and twenties?
In my teens, I was just trying to connect with my community and find people like me. In my twenties, I was trying to find love, to be honest. Unfortunately, I wanted that love with everyone. I saw sex as a way to connect with people. That’s what sex is to me.
Did you find the love?
A few times. They ended for different reasons. But the most recent potential one ended in a way that made me regret my history.
How so?
I met someone on Twitter, and we started talking. We went out on a few dates, we even had sex and were getting serious. Then one day, he told me we needed to end the relationship because it wasn’t going to work out. Guess why?
I have no guesses. Tell me.
Once people found out he was with me, they told him to ‘run o’.
Why?
Because apparently, I am an ashawo, a ‘manizer’. It hurt me, but it wasn’t an isolated accident.
It’s happened before?
Yup. And after. Sometimes, people even told my platonic friends to be careful because of my reputation. It bugs me so much, but I understand it.
Why do you think people talk about you like that?
Because it’s the truth, to be honest. That’s kind of the worst part. I had a very sexually active early twenties, and it can be misconstrued as me just being a player. Most people don’t want to be what they probably consider ‘notches on your bed frame’ or an addition to your body count, and they don’t want that to happen to their friends, so they try to warn them. I know I would probably do the same. However, that doesn’t make it less frustrating.
Does it make you regret having the kind of sex life you had in your early twenties?
Yes and no. Life would be boring if you lived it without exploring. I explored people and did exciting things that taught me a lot. That said, I wish I hadn’t slept with everyone I could. If I had maybe held back here and there, my reputation would probably be better.
How has that affected your sex life?
People who know of me tend not to want to sleep with me. The ones who do, don’t want anything to do with me outside of sex which can be very frustrating. I’m trying to reduce how much casual sex I have so that I can hopefully fix my reputation before it’s too late.
Do you know what your body count is?
Nope. It has too many zeroes at this point. If I knew it, I would probably feel the need to get myself mentally checked.
Why do you think you had that much sex?
Because I could. I slept with everyone who would say yes. I like having sex, people wanted to have sex. So in my head, I’m like why not?
What’s your sex life like now?
I’ll always have an active sex life but now I’m applying more discretion to who I sleep with. I have a friend-with-benefits and that’s it. It’s easier to control the narrative when only one person sees your nakedness.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
9. I’m having great sex regularly. What’s there to not to love? I just wish my sex history wasn’t negatively affecting my reputation and love life.
We don’t hear enough stories about men being heartbroken or dumped even though we all know it happens. Today, we spoke to four Nigerian men on the worst ways they’ve been dumped.
Tokunbo, 24.
I had this lady, we had been dating for about a year or so. I was still in uni then and one day she called me one day and told me she was pregnant and needed money. I didn’t remember having sex with her but we had done a lot of dry humping and you know foreplay but without sex. I was so scared that I didn’t even try to think, she was asking me for money for different drugs and food and I was sending it to her. I had given her over 50k. We were on a call one day and I heard someone in the background tell her to break up with me and that was it. She said “you probably heard that, that was why I called, I was never pregnant, I just needed money”. It still pains me till date.
Derek, 27.
So I dated this girl for over a year and things were really good. In my head, I was thinking ‘this is it, this is the one.’ One day, she just called me and said she has something to tell me, I asked what. She then said ‘I think we should end this, me I was confused and asked ‘end what?’. She then said this is why she doesn’t like me and then ended the call and that was it. I still don’t know why or what happened.
Chukwuma, 32.
A few years ago, I was dating this girl who was gearing to move to Canada to do her masters. I helped her plan and prepare, the plan was that with her there it would be easier for me to plan my move to Canada too. Anyways, after she travelled she called me once she could, then once again. After that, nothing. I called and called for days, texted, DMed, hell, I probably would have sent a raven if I could. Then one day, she started posting on social media. I still tried calling, no response. Next thing, I was blocked on all social media. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since that day. That breakup makes me go WTF till today.
Ayo, 26.
I discovered my girlfriend was breaking up with me because I saw her packing her boxes out of my house. You know how when you are with someone, eventually, they leave their toothbrush, their nightwear etc at yours? Yeah, she had all that at mine. One day, I walked into my apartment and she was packing all her things – she had a key by the way – and I was confused. I asked what happened and she said ‘we are breaking up’ just like that. I started asking if I did anything wrong, she didn’t answer me. She just packed her things and dropped my key and left.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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What’s dating a man like when you are also dating women? In this article, nine Nigerian women talk about dating men vs dating women.
Ini, 31
The first thing I noticed when I started dating women was how quickly we moved from talking stage to saying I love you. With women, it’s easier to put your cards on the table. With guys, we would go from the talking stage to guessing games, back to talking stage. Another difference is that with women, I don’t feel like anybody is waiting for the other person to make the first move.
During sex, women either know what they’re doing or are willing to learn and eager to please. You know they’re paying attention to your body. Every time I have sex with a woman, she’s constantly checking to make sure I’m okay and present. Finally, there’s a tenderness that comes with dating women that I don’t think I ever experienced with men.
Aduke, 23
Dating men is easier, but it’s not a better experience. I say it easier because men are cheap to be with. I don’t have to put in a lot of effort when I’m interested in a guy. With women, it’s completely different — I’m way more empathetic and considerate. Also, men are clingier than women but women are better listeners. Women have hurt me more, but it’s still women over men any day.
Aisha, 31
Dating women is way more awesome. Women have been more courteous and considerate to me. For example, no woman has ever just called me randomly on the talking stage. They always ask first, and I’d have to consent to it before they call. It makes me feel valued as a human being with emotions and choices. Men would just call. Some were even as bold as video calling without agreeing on a time with me. I find it creepy and inconsiderate. The worst incident was a man suggesting he come over to my place after just a few hours of meeting — a huge turn-off. Women extend the consideration I automatically extend to others. With men, dating feels like a chore.
Obehi, 35
I dated men briefly because society made it seem like I was supposed to. I wouldn’t do it again. At the time, I already knew I was a lesbian but it was not safe for me to be myself. I found dating men reduced my capacity to be myself. Too many things I love about myself had to be negotiated away or silenced for his ego or for the onlookers. My relationships with women have been and remain the most empowering, growth-filled spaces. Even in adversity, my partners and I have an unmatched level of emotional intelligence. We vibe, we encourage each other’s growth, we work well on projects together and individually.
Though I tend to avoid conflict, the women I have been with have made me feel safe to speak up. Finally, the sex is reciprocal and intimate. We cum as many times as we can handle.
Teju, 23
I prefer dating women to men. Women are more in tune with their emotions and I like that. I’m currently dating a man — I told him I am polyamorous from the beginning, and he said he was cool with it. But as time has passed, it is becoming more of a problem. My ex-girlfriend was more understanding about it.
Chioma, 21
I dated a stud and it was tough for me because sometimes, I felt like I was dating a man — she had this constant need to show strength; it was exhausting. The soft sweet side of her that I wanted wasn’t what I got.
I’ve also realised both men and women lie and cheat. I thought sapphic relationships were different, but in my experience, it was pretty much the same.
I can say for sure that dating women is better than dating men. With men, you need to know how to play games. You can’t just let your guard down because vulnerability is seen as stupidity. You need to follow all sorts of rules, but when it’s me and my woman, I can fully express how I feel without being seen as hysterical.
Also, women understand more that vaginas are not one size fits all.
Amaka, 29
I prefer to date women because they are more empathetic. Sex with them is better as well. Women are more expressive, so I don’t have to do guesswork throughout the relationship. We have better conversations, and I get to know them faster. In my experience, men lie too much. I am not saying women don’t lie, but I haven’t caught them, so no face no case.
Temi, 25
I would say being with women is more stressful for me. One woman was trying to get with me aggressively but stopped because she thought I was a baby gay. Another one wanted to cheat on her girlfriend with me. I almost gave in, but nothing physical happened and I ended up getting closer to her girlfriend. Last year, I was seeing this woman who was after my pocket. She always asked when I would take her out on a date or buy her stuff. I found it distasteful.
But guys are also stressful. I was seeing this guy who had just moved to Lagos but then work made him move to the UK. He said he couldn’t do long distance and that was annoying to me because he knew he was going to move so why stress me? Long story short, people are stressful.
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