Romantic relationships bring different changes to our lives. Some welcome, some not. In this article, five Nigerian women talk about how their partners changed their lives.
Bisola, 23
I grew up in a conservative space but I always knew I wanted to explore certain things and with the help of my current partner, I am able to do so.
So far, I have tried wine, gone clubbing and used sex toys I’ve always wanted to. He also takes me sightseeing. Sometimes, we spend nights at hotels I can’t afford and honestly, it’s been a beautiful experience.
Ehi, 39
My husband and I have been married for 15 years now. As a child, I was abused and this traumatized me — I couldn’t tell anyone about it. My husband helped me to speak out freely about it without feeling shame. He always tells me to express my opinions or desires on any issue, even with his family. He has shown me that love can be unconditional. I believe he is God sent for my life.
Tare, 23
I got married last year and since then my husband has made me reach for heights I didn’t think was possible for me. He has made me a better giver and I am intentional about how I want my life to go.
Before now, I had never considered leaving Nigeria but he has made me see reasons why leaving would be better for us as a family. He paid for my international passport and I am currently preparing to write the IELTS. He is sponsoring the entire process for me to move with him to Canada.
Nimi, 26
One of the most significant changes I noticed after I started dating my partner was how the way I viewed my body changed. I am plus sized and he swore that he liked my body when we met but a few months into the relationship, he started complaining.
He would say things like, “So you want to eat?” or “You shouldn’t eat that, you’ll gain weight.” It became worse. He would tell me he can’t go out with me because he was worried about how I looked. He wanted me to cover up my body more and said if I wanted to show skin, I should lose weight.
After the relationship ended, I became insecure about my body. When a man says he likes me, I wonder what he likes about my body or if he is pretending because of sex. When people compliment how I look, I’m not sure how to handle it. These days, I struggle with my body image in a way I never used to and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.
Toyosi, 20
Before i met my current partner, I had an unhealthy way of approaching relationships. I always imagined that people would leave me and would prepare for them to go. I would create scenarios in my head about all the possible things that could go wrong and act on it.
One day, I was talking to my partner about the things that could go wrong in our relationship and they said, “You can’t keep worrying about all these things. You can’t control the future and you need to focus and live in the present.” It took a while for it to resonate with me but I’ve finally gotten to a stage in my life where I no longer let my fears lead me. I’ve started learning to live in the present and all of its fullness.
Subscribe to our HER newsletter for more stories about African women and how they navigate life.
Not everyone hates their exes, some people still have fond memories of the ones who got away. Sometimes, relationships don’t work for reasons beyond our control and some people still hold their exes dear to them. Here are what some people have to say about their favourite ex:
David, 35
I have known her since I was in primary school, we grew up in the same area. My favourite thing about her was her pure innocence. Both of us spent a lot of time behind closed doors, gisting, playing games, talking about everyone in the family and sharing our dreams. At one point, we were told to stop closing the door (I never understood what was inferred until much later).
We never went beyond kissing and hugging when we were much older and emotions were flying. I prayed to God that if I married her, I won’t ask for anything else. We were together for a little over 15 years, but we drifted apart when her family moved to another state. There were no reliable means of communication back then, so our relationship suffered.
We still talk till today and try to support one another emotionally especially if our partners are giving us sticks. We got married to different people after a brief stint of misunderstanding and have two children apiece.
Gbemi, 24
My favourite memory of her was the last time we saw each other physically. She relocated to another country a few months after we started dating to continue her education. It became a long-distance relationship from then, so I hadn’t seen her for like a year. She flew back to Nigeria to spend a week, and during that time, we were only able to see each other once. It felt really special.
Many things make her so special, but if I’ll state one specifically, it would be her heart. She is a very loving and caring person, at times I wonder how anyone can be so selfless. She always puts others before herself! Although that is not necessarily always a good thing, it was something I admired a lot about her.
I loved how timid and shy she can be, how understanding she is. How she knows how to listen to me or proffer solutions to my problems. She has a really big heart. We broke up because we couldn’t come to a middle ground regarding certain issues. She is from a Muslim background, a Muslimah to the core and her family holds their religious values in high esteem.
My favourite thing was his heart and how easygoing he was. He always tried to make other people happy at his own expense. He was an open book, he rarely ever lied, he communicated his feeling and cried when he was sad. I never ever had to guess how he felt about me, even from when we just started.
The hard part, it’s hard to explain but the whole relationship has been long-distance and we always thought we’d be in the same space at some point, but things keep changing our plans. There were a few reoccurring issues about some things and it felt like love wasn’t enough.
We were together for 3yrs- we still talk from time to time.
Prince
My favourite thing about her is her selflessness, she’s bold and courageous, (na she dey ginger me most times). She cares a lot, if not too much and she’s very mature.
We dated for almost 3 years.it is the longest relationship I’ve been in. We met in the university, we were both in 200 level at the time. I told my mum about her, she said she prayed about it and we don’t fit. We continued dating for the rest of our time at university. I had to break up with her when she left for camp. She was so devastated because her mum had just died.
We broke up because of my parents – especially my mum. My mum hadn’t met her, yet she disliked her. We talk sometimes, a couple of months ago we connected with each other – I visited her last weekend.
Ada, 24
He was and still is a very caring and understanding person. I think he’s the ex that has understood me the most. He’s also very supportive. He’s still a part of my life( no strings attached, just friends – at least on my own end).
We dated for almost 2 years. I think my favourite thing about him was that he trusted my judgment, like how can someone just believe in you like that? Lol. He also cared for people I care about, from my family down to my friends.
Well, we broke up because I wasn’t in love with him. My conscience couldn’t help it anymore, I had to end the relationship because he was getting serious and I knew I just wasn’t into him. We still talk, he patronizes my business as well, tries to send gifts but I just had to set up a boundary to avoid wahala.
Tammy, 25
My favourite memory of him is the day he found out he was going to be a dad, it was also the day he proposed to me. Unfortunately, our child didn’t survive. He is such an amazing person, very kind and caring. He never raised his voice at me, no matter how angry he got, and I annoyed him a lot because me sef I know I’m a lot to handle.
We broke up because he cheated on me, after 2 years of being together.
Feelings… They spring up on you even when you’ve sworn to remain on the streets. Don’t worry, just do these 10 things and the feelings will die.
1. Block them
You have to do this on all socials the moment you catch yourself smiling at their texts. Feelings can’t survive if you starve them of communication. Out of sight is out of mind.
2. Get these shades
Cover your eyes dear. No feelings formed against you shall prosper. Amen.
3. Don’t make the mistake of telling them
Don’t do it, dear.
4. Write down “I belong to the streets” 100 times and repeat it morning and night.
In a week, feelings should be gone.
5. Trash all the pictures of them you got while on a stalking spree
Purify your gallery, purify your heart.
6. Tell someone to slap you every time you mention their name
Since you don’t want to hear word.
7. Avoid them in real life
Deleting their pictures from your gallery isn’t enough. You need to go left if you see them coming from the right in real life too.
8. Think of them picking their nose
Except that turns you on in a twisted way, that’s enough to gross you out and kill the feelings.
9. Name something after them
And by ‘something’, I mean a household pest e.g rat or cockroach. Any time you see that pest, call it your crush’s name, Tunde, and gradually that feeling will begin to fade.
10. Don’t eat any food they cook
If you people have already gone as far as visiting each other, stop it. If they offer you food, say you’ve eaten. You’re not a thief.
Here are seven different ways to make the Nigerian girl you like fall for you.
1) Words of affirmation
To make a Nigerian girl fall in love with you, you need to give her bank account some words of affirmation. The best kinds of words of affirmation come in the form of a credit alert. Credit alerts are words and numbers that show you care. It is impossible to make a Nigerian girl fall in love with you without mastering this art.
2) Be a Proverbs 31 man
To make a Nigerian woman fall for you, you have to be the ideal man she wants. The ideal man for Nigerian girls is the Proverbs 31 man.
a Proverbs 31 man and his Queen
3) Cook for them
The way to the heart is to the stomach. To make a true Nigerian woman fall for you, you need to also buy her food. They don’t need much. Maybe seafood pasta and some fries.
Look at how romantic
4) Buy them shoes
What better way to show a Nigerian woman you love them than to support their fashion habits? Buy them a pair of those Jesus sandals to prove that you not only love her but have created a judgement-free zone for her to be her true self.
5) Set leg for her so she can fall
Sometimes for a woman to fall for you, you have to make her physically fall. When the body has fallen down, so will the heart.
Think about it
6) Challenge her to a running competition while she has heels on
The heels Nigerian women wear are definitely not for running. The square corners are good for killing cockroaches, but never for running. That’s why when she has them on, you should race her. She will fall.
7) Take her for an anointing service
By the time they sprinkle holy water and oil on her, she will fall under the anointing and into your arms.
For more on what is inside life, please click here
[shortcode]
how to make a girl fall for you
how to make a girl fall for you
how to make a girl fall for you
how to make a girl fall for you
Finding the one for you is not an easy feat, it gets harder when you are a sapiosexual who wants to be with someone who thinks like you. In order to know if they are right for you, we advise you to ask them the following questions on your first date. Here’s a list of questions to ask on a first date to be sure you’ve found the one:
1.The date of birth of Queen Elizabeth’s grandmother.
Are they really the one for you, if they don’t know royal history to the T?. You need to be with someone who keeps track of history, both local and international.
2.If there are 10 birds on a tree and you shoot one, how many will remain?.
This is to test their knowledge of mathematics. A person that does not understand mathematics, how can you expect them to calculate the density of your affection for them?
3.All the laws in Nigeria.
Anyone who doesn’t know this is clearly lawless and disobedient. Every Nigerian, in Nigeria or not, should know every law in Nigeria. Do not text them back if they don’t know this. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with a lawless person.
4.The name of every Nigerian musician ever.
This question is neither hard nor impossible to answer, except your date is not a fun or outgoing person. They need to know the answer to this question, it’s proof of balance.
5.The name of every political leader in Nigeria.
Knowing the laws of the land is not enough, they need to know the names of the people in charge of implementing them. This shows passion and dedication. If they are passionate and dedicated to Nigeria, they’ll be passionate and dedicated to your relationship.
6.The type of underwear Buhari wears.
If she does not know intimate details about her country’s president, who is to say she will know intimate details about you?. She needs to know if he wears boxers, shorts or pants, so she can buy something similar for you. Her president.
7.Ask them to spell OriginalDangbanaChoko.
This is the only way to know if they passed English in WAEC or if they carried expo.
8.If a house is burning, who will they save. You or their mum?.
If they chose their mum, it already means they already hate you. Do they mean they love someone else more than they love you?. If that be the case, they should go and be in a relationship with their mum.
9.The country the first Olympics took place.
The Olympics is coming up soon and everyone is scrambling to learn everything about it. It would be a shame if they don’t know the answer to your question. You are allowed to not call them back if they don’t know such trivial information. If they are not up to date on sports events, they won’t be up to date in a relationship.
10. Who deserves the front seat between them and your mum?.
If they chose themselves, it means they have no respect. Those type of people would tell you to put your mum in the boot of the car.
We can guess how many relationships you’ve been in based on the romantic movies you’ve watched.
Go ahead:
Questions
This is a question
Select all the romantic movies you’ve watched:
You’ve been in just 1 relationship
You’ve been in just 1 relationship and it’s from secondary school.
You’ve never been in a relationship
You’ve never had any kind of relationship that isn’t a friendship. Not even situationship.
You’ve been in 10 relationships
You’ve been in 10 relationships. How did you even get 10 people to like you?
You’ve been in 4½ relationships
The half is for a relationship you’re never sure whether to count or not.
Every person who drifts into our orbit has some effect on us. Some small, some big. The most likely to leave huge impacts are the people we are in relationships with. I spoke with five men who told me heartwarming stories about how their partners have changed their lives.
Feyi
Before we started dating in 2019, I was nonchalant and carefree about a lot of things I should have taken seriously like school, planning and routine. I preferred to go with the flow instead of making long-term plans and this caused me a lot of anxiety. When I started dating her, she changed all of that. I’m more deliberate with my decisions and I’m taking my life more seriously. She has also taught me to be emotionally intelligent and better at properly articulating my feelings.
She’s a writer and I’m trying to emulate that, even though I suck at it. She’s a lesson in resourcefulness. She always knows what she’s doing and has a handle on everything. I could go on and on but my life had been transformed for the better since I met her and I still have a whole lot to learn from her. I love her very much.
Laide
Before she came into my life, I used to be bad at managing money. I could hardly account for my money. When she came into my life, she made me account for every kobo. She taught me how to manage my money and avoid living lavishly. She’s also taught me to be patient and changed how my thought process about things. I’ve become more serious with my plans because she makes me accountable to them.
Lekan
My partner makes me feel less insane. My sense of humour is very silly and weird but my partner laughs at all my jokes and makes jokes at the same frequency. He makes it easier for me to exist, I think that’s the best way to explain it. We’re very different people in so many ways but very much the same in all the ways that matter. I love that I can vocalize all the things in my head, even the half-formed things and he helps me make them make sense. He goes out of his way to fulfil all my irrational Disney-esque desires in a relationship. I don’t think my life has changed per se, he just makes it easier for me to live in it, easier for me to exist in this skin and reality of mine without feeling stupid or uncomfortable.
Yinka
We’ve been together since I was in 300-level, 8 years ago. I used to be laid back, preferring to go with the flow rather than make plans. She made it clear that she had certain goals and aspirations and she wouldn’t compromise on them for anything, including me. I knew she was the person I wanted to be with, so I realised I’d have to make adjustments to my life. I became more serious with my academics and set life goals for myself.
My worldview has also changed from when I used to hold archaic notions. She’s a feminist who made me think more intelligently about social issues and I’m a better man and partner for that. Yet, the biggest impact she has made is that she’s provided me with a reason to be better. I just want to be the best man and partner I can be for her. Also, she’s beautiful so being able to go out with her as her man does wonders for my self-esteem.
Mark
My babe has made me a more emotionally intelligent person. I used to place a lot of premium on being a logical person. I’ve learnt softness without feeling like I’m less of a man, and how to be a human being. I realised that sticking to logic makes me come off as cold and unfeeling. You can’t always be rational about life.
Are you a man who would like to be interviewed for a Zikoko article? Fill this form and we’ll be in your inbox quicker than you can say “Man Dem.”
[donation]
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: This Relationship Has Made Me More Conscious Of My Privilege
Bisola*, 28, and Boye*, 29 have been dating for ten months. Today on Love Life, they talk about being an interabled couple in a long-distance relationship, navigating people’s intrusive curiosity and why they’re meant for each other.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Bisola: My earliest memory of him was in primary school. He was a year ahead of me.
Boye: I don’t remember her from primary school. My earliest memory is when we met on Twitter in 2020.
How?
Bisola: So Boye has always been a wheelchair user, and that’s why I remembered him. Sometime in May 2020, he posted a video showing how he navigates his life in a wheelchair. The video went viral, and that’s how I found him — there aren’t many wheelchair users with that name. I sent a DM, asking if he went to our primary school. He said yes, and we started talking.
What happened next?
Bisola: We kept chatting. It wasn’t anything serious — occasional hellos here and there. One day, he said he was more active on Whatsapp, so we exchanged numbers. We continued talking there.
Boye: Our conversations were random and interesting. I am a big fan of Game of Thrones, and she had read the books, so we talked about that. We also talked about societal and political issues. It was nothing serious.
When did things get serious?
Boye: Whenever we chatted, I was usually on and off — I am notoriously bad at texting. I get a lot of messages because I’m in so many WhatsApp groups. This means I have a lot of unread messages. After a while, Bisola and I didn’t speak for a bit. She sent me a message, but I didn’t reply to it for weeks. She sent another message and I apologised, but it happened again. She sent a message saying, “Clearly, the fastest way to chase you away is to stay in touch.” I apologised again, and this time, I pinned her chat on WhatsApp. This meant no matter what happened, I’d always see her chat. This happened mid-September last year; we’ve talked every day since then.
Bisola: Wait, let me add more clarity to this. He wasn’t responding on WhatsApp, but we were still talking intermittently on Twitter. So now and then, he would reply my tweets and I would reply his. On his birthday, I wished him a happy birthday on Twitter, and we started chatting. At some point, he asked why we were chatting there when we had each other’s numbers. That’s when he went to WhatsApp and saw that he had missed my messages.
Boye: And I pinned her chat.
Bisola: Yeah, so we kept talking. All this time, he wasn’t in Nigeria. He came to Nigeria in December last year, and we met for the first time since primary school. It was at his house. I brought him a gift — a bunch of random things he liked. We had talked so much so it didn’t feel like we were meeting for the first time. Also, I met his mum, his two brothers, his sister and her fiancé. There was no room for any awkwardness. We saw each other almost every day after that. He was in Nigeria for about three weeks, and just before he left, he popped the question.
Boye: It was kind of obvious to us that we were going to end up dating because we got along well. We were just waiting to see each other. When I came to Lagos, we spent almost every day together. I am quite traditional, so I asked straight, “Are you my girlfriend or are you not my girlfriend?” Let’s know. She said yes.
How has the relationship been so far?
Boye: It’s been great. I come to Lagos a lot, and she comes to London a lot as well. I think every month since January, we have spent time with each other for like a week or two.
It’s been fun. We debate a lot, but we don’t argue. We don’t fight. We have shared interests. We’re both intellectual people, and we talk about social issues a lot. Just general good vibes, you know.
Sounds cool. What’s life like as an interabled couple?
Bisola: It’s been eye-opening. People with various disabilities have to navigate a world that’s not optimised for them. I’m more conscious of my privilege — I don’t worry about a lot of things he has to consider.
I’m also always expecting a reaction from people when we are together. It may not necessarily be a negative reaction, but I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I told my friends about him, I made sure to tell them that he was a wheelchair user before they met him, just so nobody’s shocked and we can maintain normalcy.
My work in this relationship is understanding disability, recognising my privilege and doing what I can, if the opportunity arises, to help other people living with disabilities or less privileged.
Boye: For me, this is all I have ever known. I’m quite independent. I don’t rely on anybody for anything and I do everything myself. The thing that stresses my relationships most is what people think or say about them. People often ask how the relationship works – they ask very intrusive questions. It’s a normal relationship to me, but to everyone else, our relationship is something inspirational. The only difference between this relationship and others is people’s attitudes towards disability. This is what governs their predisposition to what they think relationships should look like.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Bisola: Boye is an amazing person and also an amazing boyfriend. He is very kind and thoughtful. I am really lazy — all I want to do is lie in bed all day and be babied. I love how he can do that for me. I love how comfortable I am having him do that for me because while I want to lay in bed, I am also fiercely independent. With him, it’s easy.
For the longest time, we kept waiting for the worst to happen because we couldn’t believe how good it was. You know how you get into a relationship and you have to do this and do that. That doesn’t happen here — we are just two people living their lives who have chosen to live it together.
Now I’m curious about how you navigated through your biggest fight?
Boye: We haven’t had a big fight yet. I am not an aggressive person, and I don’t see the point of a fight. I believe that everything in this life can be sorted out with a conversation — either somebody changes their opinion or we agree to disagree. We can’t achieve anything like that with a fight. I am a big advocate of never apologising for how you feel because how you feel is always valid and so far we haven’t had a fight.
What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Bisola: I can’t lie, he makes the meanest ayamase sauce.
Boye: It’s my food I used to steal her.
She is extremely honest. She never minces her words. What she says is what she means. I appreciate clarity and honesty.
Do you have future plans for each other?
Bisola: I don’t know about him, but I want to marry him.
Boye: LOL. We will marry eventually. We’re not particularly young, so it’s pretty straightforward where we are headed. It’s not a case of let’s see where it goes. We have dated other people, so we know what we don’t like.
Rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten and why.
Boye: 11. It is everything I have always wanted, in terms of peace of mind, happiness, loyalty and friendship. We get along quite well, and our families do as well. I never feel like I have to be anyone else with her — I can always be myself.
Bisola: 11. This relationship doesn’t feel like work. It doesn’t feel like anything out of the ordinary. It is normal living with a special person.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Not all relationships are smooth and sweet, some end with long-lasting trauma. In this article, five Nigerian women talk about their experience with toxic relationships.
Tife, 26, M
I met Bobo at a birthday party in 2017. At the time, I was in a relationship with someone else but we were on the verge of breaking up. I liked him from the moment I saw him and we got talking. He was a medical student in his finals. I was also a final year law student. I stayed in one of the female hostels inside UI and he used to come to visit me from University College Hospital. He came twice a week. It was lovely. I broke up with that person and started dating Bobo. I even told my mum that I already found my husband.
About three months into the relationship, I started noticing some childish behaviours. For example, one time I went to see him and I ended up sleeping in his room. We had sex that day and after it happened, he said, “We shouldn’t have done this. You seduced me. Even if I’m not strong enough to not touch you, you should be strong enough to stop me”. I was too shocked to say anything.
He also wanted to be right all the time. One time, he came to visit me in my hostel without telling me before coming. He just called me and said, “I’m in front of your hostel. Look sexy”. It took about 20 minutes to dress up and that upset him. He left and texted me saying, “I think we should break up.” I should have just agreed to it but I begged him. That was the beginning of a long emotional back and forth in the name of a relationship.
There was always a fight to be resolved and I was always to blame for everything. Every time we had sex, he blamed me. He would come to my campus, book a room at the guest house and still blame me for agreeing to see him in the room.
When he left medical school, he went back to his parents’ house, which was on the outskirts of Ibadan. One time I went to visit him there. It was a long trip on a hot day so I asked him for cold water as soon as I got in. He said, “There’s no cold water o.” I threw a tantrum and said, “You knew I was coming and didn’t put water in the freezer for me”. He got pissed, said he wanted to go and sleep. He suggested I go back to campus and offered to give me back my transport fare.
When I got back to school, he refused to speak to me. The silent treatment was normal in our relationship. Eventually, I apologized to him. He said I should learn some manners or else no one will marry me. There were a lot of other things. He loved sex a lot and always wanted to have sex with me everywhere — we had sex on top of Olumo rock. Asides from that, he would always say I was not enough for him and nothing I wore ever looked good enough for him. He always had a comment to make. I dated him for nine months and that time felt like hell.
When we broke up, it was because he stopped talking to me. He went for housemanship in Shagamu and I took a job in Abeokuta. He had gotten a car so I asked him to drive down to see me and he said I was being unreasonable. He was quiet for a while and when I asked, he said, “We should go our separate ways.“ It hurt for a while but eventually I was relieved.
IB, 25, M
My last relationship was like a drug. When I met my ex, we started as friends. We lived together during the lockdown for a month or two. He would say hurtful things to me in anger and later apologize. During the first month, he called me a witch. That day, I cried so much. Another time he woke me up by 3 am to shout at me because he thought I said I bought water but there was no water.
Over time, it became normal. He would say mean things to me and I would say things back. I became someone I couldn’t recognize. I knew it was wrong but I stayed. Every time we fought, he’d get me something I had said I liked. It was the first relationship I was in that anyone ever cared to buy me nice things. The gifts made me get carried away. Toxic relationships feel like getting high. The sex wasn’t even that great, but the thrill from fighting and making up was. Even after we broke up, we stayed together. I hated him but I spent a lot of time with him.
Things ended when I had to move back to Nigeria and it was my best escape. We don’t talk as much anymore. I haven’t dated anyone since it ended. I met someone I liked recently but she was exhibiting some toxic behaviours so I ended things. I can’t be in another toxic relationship.
Sophie, 23, M
We had known each other since my first year in university and in our final year, we started dating. He was the sweetest at first until I began to notice him snapping at me over the slightest things. He would argue with me until I was drained. He would never listen to my apologies but he expected me to forgive the minute he said sorry.
He also made it clear that his friends came before me. Whenever anything was going on with him, I would be the last to know. He would tell me he was sad and couldn’t talk to me but I would see him hanging out with his friends. One time, he said I brought him bad luck because when we started dating, his finances dipped.
Eventually, I broke up with him but I couldn’t stay away. He told me he was depressed and suicidal, so we kept going back and forth for almost a year after the breakup. I found out that he was only using it as an excuse to hold on to my money. He was addicted to gambling and that’s why he was losing money. He duped a lot of people of millions of naira. There was a bounty on his head and I didn’t know until someone reached out to me. I even defended him because I couldn’t believe it but then he duped a close friend as well. People would send me texts calling me names for being with him. He denied every part of it, of course, and he always had one excuse or the other.
It was all messy and it was a miracle I was able to break away. I didn’t realize how tired and sad I was all the time until I stopped talking to him and I’m glad I’m in a much better place now. I wouldn’t wish my experience on even my enemies.
Mercedes, 23, F
Toxic relationships don’t ever start toxic. For me, I thought she was the best thing to happen to me. I thought we were meant to be. After a few months, I noticed a few things about her. She would insult me and call it a joke. She went through my phone often and wanted to know everything I did.
I remembered reaching out to a psychologist on Instagram after seeing a carousel post that described my relationship aptly. It confirmed what I already suspected — the relationship was toxic but I didn’t leave then. I continued to project the image of a happy couple to my friends.
I agreed to almost everything she wanted because she would give me silent treatment when things don’t go her way. I know I played my part in the whole thing by remaining in that toxic cycle and pretending to everyone, even lying to myself that I was fine but I didn’t know better.
Anyway, the relationship ended with her physically attacking me. My shoulder got dislocated but I am glad it didn’t get worse than that. That incident was the eye-opener I didn’t know I needed. After that day, I packed my bags and left.
Bisola, 22
The relationship started fine. We were attracted to each other and I felt like I had met my person. After a while, it felt as if I was the only one in the relationship. He was the centre of my life meanwhile he would make plans without even telling me. He would go days without talking to me for no reason at all. When I pointed it out, he would say I was imagining things.
I knew I should have left early but he was also my best friend so I stayed for four years. Being in an emotionally and mentally draining relationship isn’t something words can explain because as a person, you’re trying to figure things out yourself. One of my major takeaways from that experience is that people shouldn’t hold onto potentials in relationships. Does the person have what you want right now or not? Are they the kind of person you’d want to be with right now or are you hoping they’ll grow into that image? Because sometimes, they never grow into that image.
Subscribe to our HER newsletter for more stories about African women and how they navigate life.
As Told To Itohan
When I was in JS2, I started dating a lot of people consecutively. I was never really single. I dated two best friends. I even once dated a set of twins and their elder brother. Most of them were older and bought me gifts, which was risky because I was young and lived with my parents. So they mostly gave me money. The thing is, I didn’t date them for the perks. For me, it was just another way to validate my existence and sexuality.
I knew men were attracted to me but the thought never excited me. So most times when I dated men, it was just to prove that I could get with whomever I wanted. I can’t count the number of people I’ve dated but I know it’s nothing less than 25. However, the number of those people that I actually liked can be counted on one hand.
I think another reason I started serial dating was that I was exposed to a lot of sexual activity at a young age. My parents were always in church, which meant that I spent a lot of time at church or with family friends. There was a boy whose parents’ house I spent a time in. One day, we kissed. Then it became a regular thing. Whenever he saw me going somewhere, he’d follow so we could make out. It could be to his room, my room, or the bathroom at church.
My first crushes were on two seniors in my school. A guy and a girl. The guy and I used to write letters to each other and meet in the library. He was very sweet. The girl, however, I just liked. What I felt for them never overlapped because it was easy for me to compartmentalise my feelings.
My very first relationship with two people at once, was when I was 16. The guy was my ex’s best friend, and the girl was my younger sister’s friend. They didn’t know about each other until the girl broke my heart. The guy saw me crying about it, and when he asked why, I told him. He left without saying anything. We eventually broke up.
I started looking for more ethical ways to date people when I cheated on my girlfriend in 2019. We broke up after I told her but got back together later. After that, we decided to try an open relationship. She told me I could sleep with everyone but this one girl but I slept with her anyways. She was my best friend, and I somehow always slept with my best friends. I think that’s when I figured that monogamous relationships couldn’t work for me, even though they seemed to be all that was available.
In 2020, I came across people on Twitter who posted stuff about being polyamorous and how they engage in multiple relationships at once. I realised that maybe that’s what I am. I never wanted to cheat. I just felt suffocated. For me, feelings for one person doesn’t mean fewer feelings for another. I consider my feelings for all of my partners completely separate. I didn’t practice ethical polyamory until 2021. Before then, it was separate relationships with people that weren’t aware of my other relationships.
The two people I’m dating now are both polyamorous and it’s been amazing. I enjoy their company and I’m completely in love with them. It feels more freeing than having to hide because not only are they both friends, they understand me. I wish I realised this sooner and was able to have better, healthier relationships.
For more stories on relationships and the many ways they come, please click here
