relationships | Page 91 of 110

If you’ve ever asked a single person, “ Why are you single?“, I hope your clothes get caught on the door handle when you’re in a bad mood and someone eats the food you were saving for later. If you are single, there is a 100% chance that you’ve been asked this question once or twice. The next time someone opens their mouth to ask why you are single, here are 10 perfect responses.

1. “When people look into my eyes they don’t see my waist.”

If you don’t want stupid answers, don’t ask silly questions, period.

2. “I don’t have money.”

Being in a relationship is expensive, abeg. You will save for date night, save for birthdays, save for anniversaries, save for valentine. God said increase and multiply, not save until you die on top someone that will run you street.

3. “Your daddy refused to date me.”

If you truly want the person being questioned to stop being single, give them your daddy’s number. Since you like being in people’s business.

4. “I don’t have low standards.”

If anyone asks you, “Why are you single” and you say this, they will respect their old age and mind their business. Must everybody date people that’ll embarrass them every day on Twitter?

5. “Why are you obsessed with me?”

E reach to ask. Do you want to date me? Why do you care about my being single? What do you have against my peace of mind?

6. “I don’t like sharing my food.”

Not everyone wants to share their food for the rest of their life, some of us want to buy the cake, eat it alone and have it. Think of this next time before you ask someone “ Why are you single?”

7. “We don’t date in my village.”

What if I am the principalities and powers your mothers pray against? What if I’d steal your destiny if we date, are people not afraid anymore?

8. “My kinks scare people.”

It’s always “Why are you single?” and never “ I want to tie you up and hold a knife close to your neck”. If you didn’t want to know that, you wouldn’t have asked a stupid question.

9. “I eat Semo.”

“Why are you single?” It’s because I eat semo. I am a cultist, the dating pool for people like me is tough okay.

10. “I don’t have lower body strength.”

All of you doing relationship things are energetic as fuck. Every day, a new sex position gets released unprovoked and you all want to kill someone’s child in the name of practising it, Abeg dear, just allow me to be single in peace and stop asking rubbish.

There were certain lies Nollywood told us about life growing up that made us real disappointed when we grew up. They didn’t exactly say that these things would happen of course but isn’t art supposed to imitate life? Where was the inspiration coming from? Why did they become tropes? Read on to find out the 8 detty lies Nollywood told us.

1. You can be offered money to break up with people’s kids

This one hurts the most because we could have gone through this life without any expectations but Nollywood just had to lie. One day you wake up and you’re 25 and nobody has offered you millions of naira to leave their son alone. Nobody has given you a visa to leave this country or bought you a house in another state with a six-figure job. Turns out that no one likes their kids that much.

2. Unilag babes will pass their sugar daddies to you

In this economy that everyone is struggling to find one sugar daddy, nobody will randomly offer you theirs, know this and know peace. If you can’t find one on your own, all the best to you.

3. People will offer you drugs as if it’s Vitamin C

Nollywood movies made it seem like people would walk up to you unprovoked to offer you drugs. Like sardine and plantain, everything is expensive now. Your friends won’t casually offer you brownies when they buy them anymore. It might happen once but if you say no, no one will keep offering it to you. What do we know sha, we don’t do such things.

4. Your friends will be a bad influence

Every young person who got into university eventually joined bad gang. No self-awareness at all, because what if you are more likely to influence other people’s kids badly?

5. Evil people eventually get punished

Karma is not real. The sooner more people realise this, the easier it’ll be to get over it. People do bad things all the time and get away with it, especially in Nigeria where the people who have been put in positions of power to keep people accountable commit the most offences. Nobody is going to run mad because they were evil.

6. Every old person is wise

It turns out that having white hair and managing to live past forty doesn’t mean that common sense will find you. Old people do and say some of the stupidest shit all the time. It’s not by speaking in proverbs all the time. “Mumu dey follow person reach old age”.

7. All stepmothers are wicked

Why didn’t the Stepmothers Association of Nigeria never organize a protest? In those days, once a storyline involved a stepmother, 99% of the time, you knew she was going to be wicked. But in real life, people grew up with their biological mothers and were still traumatised; people also grew up with the best stepmothers. Na wa.

8. Once you leave the village and go to Lagos, you will “make it”

Nollywood had village losers travelling from their villages to Lagos hoping that they would make it and coming back millionaires in 2 years. Omo, if you come to Lagos now, all you’ll get is a huge dent in your bank account and plenty of heartbreak.

Navigating long-distance relationships can be really tough and figuring out how to involve your partner in your daily activities can also be a hard nut to crack.

We’ve helped put together a list of romantic ideas for people in long-distance relationships.

1. Set up movie dates.

Set up movie dates and sleep off during the movie. That’s what you’d have done if you were watching it physically with them anyway, so why not do it virtually too? Make sure you are on a call when the movie is on so they can hear the sound of your gentle breathing and feel like you are physically present with them.

12 virtual date ideas for long distance couples — Image used for descriptive purpose

2. Make playlists for each other.

Making a playlist for your partner is a cheesy way to keep them thinking of you. It also lets them know the kind of music you are interested in and you guys get to share songs you both like. You can listen to the playlist together and do virtual karaoke.

Listening to Music Mindfully | Greater Good In Education — Image used for descriptive purpose.

3. Virtually take each other to your favourite places.

Virtually involve your partner in your favourite things. Take them to concerts with you, to art galleries with you, even the toilet. We know this doesn’t replace orgasms, but it makes them feel close and involved and that’s also nice.

4. Get random gifts and have them delivered to your partner.

A random gift can involve a new child with the person you are sleeping with within your area code. A baby is a perfect “I saw this and thought of you”, after all, you kuku call your partner baby and a physical baby will make you feel closer to them. We all know children are a gift.

5. Reassure them that distance isn’t an issue and remind them of how much you love them.

Reassure them that even though you are sleeping with not less than 10 people in your area code, they are still the 1 for you. Let them know distance won’t make you stop loving them and many other people.

6. Buy them sex toys.

Buying them sex toys means only one person in that relationship gets to have sex with other people and you have taken up that very hard task. How are they going to love you less when they know you are doing a lot of heavy lifting?

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7. Do a little prostitution to raise enough money to travel to meet up with your partner.

Emphasis on a little prostitution. The level of the prostitution must not be high enough to make you catch feelings for the person you are prostituting with, you must keep the endgame at the back of your mind. Only prostitute to raise money to meet your partner wherever they are.

Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now

Today, Aunty Z! gives advice to a man in love with two women, a woman who stopped enjoying sex with her husband, and Stanley from last week who has some more things to clarify.

Dear Aunty Z!,

There’s this girl that I liked a lot a few years ago, let’s call her Ella. When I made a move back then, she was in a relationship and didn’t like me that way. Some months ago, we met and it’s safe to say it was love at that sight. Now she’s single and we’ve been seeing each other for a while now. We really love and want to be with each other.

The problem now is I’m currently in a long-distance relationship. I still have feelings for my babe and I feel it’ll hurt her real bad if I leave her to be with someone else. I’m in a dilemma and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve been seeing Ella and our feelings for each other just keep growing, and that has taken a toll on my relationship.

Ella really wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her but now she’s running out of patience and I understand that. I don’t want to rush and make hasty decisions based on emotions. I don’t want to lose Ella (again), but honestly, I also don’t feel like it’s the right time to call things off with my babe yet. Please, I need advice.

Jared, 23

Click here to send Aunty Z your relationship problems

Dear Jared,

It seems you want to eat your cake and have it. You somehow want to keep your current girlfriend and continue seeing Ella. Haba na.

You say you don’t want to hurt your girlfriend by leaving her to be with someone else, but you’re cheating on her. I don’t think she’d enjoy being cheated on either.

I want you to weigh your options. Sit down with yourself and list all the reasons staying with your girlfriend will be a good idea, and then list all the reasons why giving this relationship with Ella a chance is a good idea. If you choose your girlfriend, you have to let her know about Ella and then she’d decide if she wants the relationship to continue. If you realise that being with Ella is what your heart wants, then you should call things off with your girlfriend immediately. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who has one leg out the door.

I wish you the best of luck in whichever relationship you decide to pursue. Let me know how it works out for you.

Love, Aunty Z!

Dear Aunty Z!,

I am no longer sexually attracted to my husband. He does not turn me on at all. I am not even interested in making any effort anymore, I just lay there and let him finish.

I buy lube a lot. I am not going to deny him every time just because I don’t feel a thing no matter what he does, nor do I want to get hurt while he is at it. I get irritated when he tries to touch me anywhere because it’s simply a waste of both of our times, he just doesn’t turn me on.

I wasn’t like this when we got married 6 years ago. He was a virgin, I wasn’t. The very sight of him turned me on back then. I would seduce him in crazy lingerie, wake him up with blowjobs, walk in on him in the washroom and fuck him mindless. He was a lazy lover even then, no imagination, or initiative. I think I got tired of trying to get him to be more sexual than practical and I became numb somehow. He could walk around me now with a hard-on all day long and I wouldn’t feel anything but a slight irritation.

I don’t know why I am writing to you. Perhaps I want a solution? Outside this, we’re both great, I think. He’s sexually miserable for sure, and keeps talking about how I have changed.

Eni, 31

Hey Eni,

I know what it’s like having a lazy sexual partner, and it can be absolutely frustrating when you know there’s a potential for amazing sex, but they’re not just putting in the effort.

It seems to me that both of you realise there’s a problem with your sex lives. He thinks you’ve changed, and you feel he’s not doing enough to excite you. You used to enjoy seducing him and all the fun things you came up with, but you got tired of doing all of the work. You should bring that up with him, and also tell him the kind of things you like. Think back to the top five sexual experiences you’ve had. What made them so great? Why not recreate some of those scenarios.

I think your solution is quite simple. Remind him that sex is not something done to you, but something both parties are meant to enjoy. With what you’ve described, it sounds like he’s using you as a sex toy, and that’s not what we want.

His laziness means he didn’t have a chance to explore you and what you like, so tell him you need more of that. Also, don’t throw out the lube. You’d need it, especially if things go well. You can never have too much lube.

Love, Aunty Z!

Dear Aunty Z!,

It’s Stanley again. Thank you for your advice. I just wanted to add some details and provide some clarity. The man she’s in love with is the one I want to shag with her. I suspect he’s bi because he registers strongly on my gaydar and the last time he came to visit because my wife is the godmother to his first son, he reached out to embrace me and almost kissed me. It’s not officially open because she’s in denial about her feelings for him and it caused a row for a while when I found out and confronted her. So now she’s very careful and I am waiting patiently for a slip. A conversation won’t work because she would simply deny her sexuality or emotional love for the other guy. Another way would be to initiate a threesome with the guy and see where it goes. Any tips?

Stanley, 35

Click here to send Aunty Z your relationship problems

Hey Stanley,

Thanks for writing back. First things first, your confidence in your gaydar is admirable. But even though, Stanley. Even though. I still think it’s not that simple.

Also, something about “waiting patiently for a slip” feels like we’ve entered weird territory, my friend. This situation is starting to feel unhealthy for the both of you.

I’m for the idea of suggesting a threesome because at least you guys will talk, but I think you need to not press on about her loving this guy. Try as much as possible to create a safe enough environment for a conversation about her emotions or sexuality.

You should also be okay with letting this go. It’s a possibility and something you should consider.

Love, Aunty Z!

Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!

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Are you the cheat in your relationship or is it your partner that does the cheating? Find out who cheats in this quiz:

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be in a queer relationship to have gender-neutral pet names for your partner, If anything, it helps normalise this for queer people. You also score big with your partner for trying to validate them by coming up with a cute pet name. Typically, the best way to go is to ask them what feels comfortable for them. However, if you keep coming up blank, this list will help.

Here are 10 gender neutral pet names other than “partner”.

1. Significant Other

This is a sweet but not-so-soft pet name that shows your partner that they are important to you. It’s endearing and is the perfect gender neutral pet name for people who want their partners to feel like very special coworkers.

2. Love Tyrant

Love has a tyrannical way of walking into your life and making a home there, so it’s fitting to call your partner this, plus it’ll make them laugh. If you want to get more specific, call them Love Hitler. Go crazy with it.

3. Cuddle Buddy

After serious research, we’ve come to the conclusion that 90% of being in a relationship is just cuddling, which is why this is the perfect gender-neutral name for your partner.

4. Hoodie Thief

Imagine being in a restaurant and saying “Hoddie thief, pass the bread.” It’s a funny pet name and also addresses a real problem. Maybe, just maybe they’ll stop stealing your hoodies. Either that or they don’t have shame, and this will just make them steal more.

5. Food thief

If you have that partner that never wants anything to eat when you’re buying food but their appetite returns from war when you’re eating, you can’t go wrong with this pet name. Call them this or exactly what they are; Long Throat.

6. Blood circulation restrictor

There should be an award for the people in relationships that give up their hands in the name of cuddling. If you are always the big spoon, here’s the perfect gender-neutral pet name for your partner. This also works if you two like to choke each other. Just don’t overdo it because then the surviving one would have to change their name to “murderer.”

7. Boss

What do you call the person at work that orders you around? Boss. It’s only right that you also reserve that name for the person who orders your heart around.

8. My inevitable social suicide

Some people get into relationships and never leave their houses again. They just chill with their partners inside until they break up. If this is you, you are welcome.

9. My side quest

If you are in a relationship where you guys enjoy each other but don’t expect anything more from each other, then this is the perfect pet name. These types of partners don’t influence your life positively or negatively. In the end, it’s all love. Or whatever you two want to call it.

10. Supreme meme overlord

This is the partner that sends you all the funny posts they come across online. The basis of your relationship is that they send you funny memes to make you happy… It’ll make you laugh every time they call and your phone reads out their name.

QUIZ: Can We Guess Your Biggest Pet Peeve?

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Are you worried your man is too hot and that his heat might attract your friend and make them want to steal him from you? Don’t worry, babes. We’re here to help.

1. Invite your friend into your relationship.

They can’t steal what is theirs too. Them being in the relationships means your man is safe and secure on both sides. You can rest your mind knowing he’s getting enough love from you and your sister/girlfriend.

Polyamory: Whats Love Got to Do With It?? | BLACK & POLY — Image used for descriptive purposes.

2. Put a “DO NOT STEAL” tag on his forehead.

That way, anyone who comes close to him will know he’s not available to be stolen. Anyone who tries to steal him after seeing that tag should be reported for being a hardened criminal.

3. Shrink him and keep him with you at all times.

You can consult the MCU for how to change him to Ant-Man. Better still, just visit a local Babalawo for this one. No one is going to steal what they can’t see. Even if they try to steal him, shrink him to a microscopic level.

4. Date your friend.

This is different from inviting your friend into your relationship. In this case, you are dating a friend that might want to steal your man and potentially reduce their greed. Don’t think too much about it. It makes sense.

5. Don’t have friends.

No friend is going to steal your man if the friend doesn’t exist. Let your man be your only friend. Is it unhealthy? Yes. But at least, you’ll have peace of mind.

6. Steal your friend’s man first.

The best defence is a good offence. Stealing your friend’s man first is good character development for both of you. A real friend is going to learn how much it hurts and not want to do the same thing to you.

We can guess your zodiac sign from your relationship opinions. Try us:

I am very anti talking stage. They’re exhausting, and I’d rather have my mind read because I no longer have the energy to talk to any potential romantic partners.

Here are 7 other reasons why the talking stage should be eliminated.

1. It’s very pretentious.

People lie a lot during the talking stage. You might say you don’t do this but that itself is a lie and Jesus wants you to do better. Why do people feel like they have to lie when getting to know someone? You can’t keep it up forever. Your true colours will show eventually. The whole thing is so ghetto.

2. All the information you know about them becomes irrelevant when you guys no longer talk.

You guys stop talking and then you’re stuck with so much data about them that you don’t know what to do with. It’s so annoying.

3. Failed talking stages can leave you traumatized.

The trauma from another failed talking stage is actually a real thing, you start wondering why you keep attracting all sorts of crazy people. Even worse, you start wondering if you’re the problem, leading to a nervous breakdown.

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4. No one needs to know that much about you.

If you need to be in a talking stage, please, keep information about you very minimal. You don’t know who’s a psycho who’ll use your data to track and harm you. Sorry, this one is a little dark, but it’s my trauma manifesting.

5. The more talking stages you get into, the more tired you become.

For real though, a talking stage is going to age you drastically. Spending so much energy talking to potential love interests can take a lot of years off your life expectancy.

6. Talking stages give off Nigerian Idol audition vibes.

If you’ve ever watched an episode of Nigerian Idol, you’ll know this isn’t a good thing. Talking stages are like auditioning to get picked by subpar people [you might be a subpar person to someone, to be honest], and that’s absolutely sickening, and not in a good way.

7. Anyone who doesn’t love you, at first sight, is not the one for you.

Ignore whatever you’ve heard in the past. Love, at first sight, is the greatest form of love. Don’t go around quoting me, though. Just take my word for it. Anyone who needs to know you deeper before falling in love with you is only in your life to waste your time. Period.

The more I think about this, the sicker I get. The Talking Stage needs to be eliminated, and it needs to be abolished now.

The term “eating breakfast” doesn’t mean having your first meal of the day. Nope. It’s a slang that means getting hurt by men and women, left, right, and centre. And one thing you need to know about the streets is, there’s a lot of breakfast to go around.

Here are a few ways to find a boo without chopping breakfast first.

1. Serve the breakfast.

Josh2funny - Josh2funny added a new photo.

Tap into your inner chef and serve piping hot breakfast to everyone you come across. Just remember that karma is real and someone might come along in the future and serve you breakfast so intensely you might die. But don’t worry about that now. You’ll cross that bridge when you get to it.

2. Have a new partner every business day.

See a new person every day so they won’t be in your life long enough to hurt you. It’s also a really good way to test the waters and learn the kind of crazies roaming the street these days.

3. Make your prospective partner take a personality quiz.

Make sure they take a “how crazy are you” quiz. Watch them while they take it so they won’t cheat and send you the wrong results. Anyone who gets a high score on that quiz will make your life miserable and anyone who gets a low score will be very hard to trust because there’s always the chance that they’re a fucking liar and a dirty bitch.

4. Have a person whom you willingly get breakfast from.

A breakfast you ordered yourself is always better than a breakfast served, at least you’ll know you willingly went to collect it with your own hands or in this case genitals.

5. Stay at home and download your future partner from the internet.

Staying at home to mould or download your future partner saves you the stress of aimlessly roaming the streets and getting served heartbreak, like an overpriced meal from a Lagos restaurant.

6. Stay in your house.

Don’t bother roaming the streets because you can be on your own taking a stroll minding your business and the breakfast will still come to you. That can’t happen if you never leave your house. Staying in your house will reduce the number of wicked men and women you’ll meet in your lifetime. Unless of course, they live in your compound. That’s a story for another day.