With the sad state of the Nigerian dating scene, you may simply just be grateful to find a partner who has a job. But as a fellow millennial who’s been there, done that and has dated all sorts of people in different professions, I’m here to save you stress and alert you to the red flags. No need to thank me; it’s for the culture
1. TikTok Creators
TikTok content creators will just frustrate your life, either by playing useless pranks on you for the sake of content or making you do annoying challenges. The country is already stressful enough please.
2. Tech People
Do you want to be with someone that is emotionally unavailable? Tech people only have enough emotional availability for all of their codes and software; anything more is excessive. And at your big age, you can’t be fighting for love and attention.
3. Bloggers
Bloggers will use any chance they get to create content for their page. Imagine going on a date with a food blogger and they bring out a mini ring light at a restaurant just to create food content. No please.
4. Architects
You want to date an architect in this country? Who doesn’t know that Nigerian architects don’t have money? The last thing you want as a millennial is to be with somebody whose career hasn’t taken off yet. If you want to date an architect, be sure that they are retired and in their 60s.
5. Writers
You wake up one day to find out your whole life has been turned into a novel simply because your partner found your story as interesting material. You can’t just gist your partner about things happening in your life because they’ll use it as material. God please abeg.
6. Musicians
This will be a big problem if you end up dating someone who makes trash music. Because you’ll have to pretend to like it and even promote it. God forbid.
7. Police
Do we really need to explain this one? Nobody should date any member of the Nigerian police force. It’s not even about the fact that their job is dangerous. It’s about the fact that you’d likely be dating someone who is involved in daily bribery and corruption. Everyday they’ll be dragging your partner’s profession on the internet for one atrocious act or the other.
8. Therapists
If you date a therapist, you’re using your own eyes and legs to look for stress. Therapists will psychoanalyse everything you do and say. You can’t just be sad or upset around your partner without them naming several disorders according to your symptoms. Which kind wahala be that?
Does love really conquer all? What’s it like for an atheist to date a religious person in Africa? These six African atheists share how they have navigated their relationships with religious partners.
1. Adilah*, Namibian
I dated a Christian woman and we made a rule at the beginning of relationships to quickly quench heated debates. But we’re not robots, so once or twice, we almost had really hectic theological debates. But we managed not to let them snowball. When we were first getting to know each other, I asked her how she saw us ever working out, considering how very strongly atheist I am, and how very strongly religious she was. I promised to drop her off at church every Saturday (she’s Seventh Day Adventist) and pick her up after. She thought it was very sweet. If she sneezed, I’d say, “God bless you,” not because I believed in this God that must bless her, or because it’s just what people say, but because she believed. When I was going through stuff, she would tell me, “I know you’ll be fine, because I pray for you to the God you don’t believe in.” Despite my nonexistent faith in God, I would be grateful.
2. Idaraesit, Nigerian
There’s no law that says atheists can’t date religious people, but it’s very weird to me. I didn’t use to care about religion before — because I don’t believe in it, obviously. But growing older, I now prefer not to date religious people, especially the ones who staunchly believe in hellfire. I once fell for a beautiful woman who was deeply religious but she kept on invalidating my worth just because I didn’t believe in her god. It messed with my self-esteem so much and it was hard to move on.
Later, I dated non-dogmatic Christians who don’t think hell exists and those who don’t go to church. These relationships were a little better but they still got weird at some point. I really hope my next relationship will be with an atheist because I feel that if I and my partner are on the same page in terms of religious beliefs, we may last longer.
3. Rita*, Zimbabwean
I prefer to date atheists as it’s better not to have someone trying to convert me or praying for my soul to be saved. But we’re in Africa and my primary target audience is small. So I typically have to make do with what I get. My last relationship was with a Nigerian Muslim guy while I was living in Cape Town — the first Muslim I ever dated and it lasted less than a month. We were fucking like rabbits but he still thought he was better than me because I don’t subscribe to Islam.
4. Fundiswa*, South African
My boyfriend and I are super together. His family loves me and everyone thinks no couple could be more perfect. I’d like to marry him but she’s a devout Christian, and I don’t believe in God at all. He has the purest heart I have ever seen but doesn’t think my heart can be truly pure unless I convert to Christianity.
It didn’t use to be a problem and we dated for two years, but now that we’re thinking of the next step, I’m considering if I should just convert for the sake of it. I don’t think religion should stand in the way of our love. But then again, I won’t mean it and I wonder if he’ll see through my insincerity. I have never been more stressed. But one thing I’m sure of is that I don’t want to lose him.
5. Kwame*, Ghanaian
I’m an agnostic engaged to a Muslim but she’s not pious. I don’t know how, but I’ve started to be more open-minded about her faith. I used to love watching her pray, Then one day I joined her and it felt so peaceful, like Yoga, but even more comforting. Since then, I’ve prayed with her whenever I can, even when we’re not in the same location. She calls me and tells me she’s about to pray and I stop what I’m doing to join in. I’ve even started learning Jumat prayers little by little. and even though I don’t believe in her religion.
I still have my reservations about meeting her family, and I don’t know where this road leads, but as long as she’s in my life, I want to experience every bit of her.
6. Femi, Nigerian
I’m nonreligious and my bae is Christian. My last two relationships before this one were largely the same — they were hypocrites. They committed all the sins in the Bible but drew the line because I didn’t believe in their god. But my current significant other is more of a liberal Christian.
I feel like I’ve influenced my current partner religiously more than she’s influenced me sha. She doesn’t go to church as much as she used to, nor does she pray as regularly as before. I wake up and narcissistically thank myself for existing, so that’s not good. Anyhoo, we’ve been going strong for two years and one month and it’s been my best relationship in forever. Religion has never been a problem for us.
From praying for you, his future partner at the midnight hour to thinking about the next Tik Tok challenge, these are the things men do when you think they’re cheating – evidence sourced by real research.
1. He’s with his mechanic
Is there ever a time when a man is not fighting with his mechanic? Just as soon as he finishes dealing with one car trouble, another one shows up. So in case you think he’s cheating, no he isn’t. He’s actually fighting with Tunde about his missing carburetor.
2. Practising TikTok challenges with his friends
If you think women love Tik Tok challenges, men love them more. Have you seen the Kupe boys? Your man is definitely somewhere with his friends, shirtless and recording himself busting moves.
3. Recording podcasts
If there’s one thing men love to do, it’s sit down and record podcasts where they talk about how the types of women from their grandmothers’ time no longer exist. Honestly, for this one, we think it’s better if he just cheated.
4. Being an alibi for cheating
He’s not cheating. He’s just out there lying for his buddy who’s actually cheating. Don’t you just love a supportive friend?
5. He’s selflessly helping people at his gym.
He doesn’t like to see an unfinished workout routine. He’s correcting the form of a young person at the gym who’s “struggling” to do stretches.
6. Offering rides to helpless strangers
Don’t worry, he’s only being a good Nigerian citizen and picking up strangers that need to get to work on time.
7. In bed with someone else
He’s just showing them a couple of moves that they can use for their partner, that’s all.
8. Cheating
Because men will always cheat, don’t ever assume otherwise.
Is your lover in a bit of a situation? Are their enemies chasing them left, right and centre and you don’t know what to do? Worry no more, we’re here to help.
Here’s a list of things to do when your lover has enemies.
1. Relocate
They’re the ones with enemies, not you. Better relocate before the enemies find a way to your house and collect what’s not lost from sorry. Apologies to your lover o, but long-distance relationships still work.
2. Send the name of their haters to your Babalawo
The situation is bigger than you and your lover. Take the names of their enemies to Babalawo, let the Babalawo do whatever needs to be done to set your lover free.
3. Send 100k to their enemies
We didn’t say 100k money o, it can be 100k stones or 100k cotton wool, that’s up to you to decide. Send them 100k pieces of anything that’s not money. That would be more than enough to keep busy and take their attention off the person you love.
4. Become your lovers enemy
Love is sweeter when you’re chasing someone. If you become your lover’s enemy, you’ll be on their mind 24/7 the same way they keep thinking about their other enemies.
5. Break up with them
You have no business frolicking with someone with enemies. Break up with them for your peace of mind. Let them go and deal with their enemies themselves.
6. Tear shirt and fight for them
What’s a greater form of love than fighting for the one you love? Tear your shirt and fight their enemies for them.
7. Send your lover’s name to a Babalawo
Sending the name of their enemies to a Babalawo is one thing o, but sending the name of your lover to a Babalawo is the most important thing for you. You need the Babalawo to look into the future to see who wins between them and their enemies.
8. Vanish
Just stand under the sun or under the moon till you vanish. Wetin concern you with enemies?
Let me start this article by saying that women don’t cheat. My queens are loyal and not capable of infidelity. , It’s not even a concept that exists for us. The situations below are just hypothetical situations—you know, just for the fun of it. So, in a world where women cheat (a world that doesn’t exist), here are six signs that you are the side guy.
You never get to meet her friends
This is a major tell. When a woman wants to show off someone she really likes, she first introduces him/her to her friends, also known as “The boyfriend approval panel”. If you don’t meet them, you’re definitely the side guy. That being said, the fact that you meet her friends doesn’t mean you’re not the side guy o. Women are so smart, you could be the side guy and still meet her friends. Fear women.
No photos of you exist
If there’s one thing that women love, it’s taking pictures with their partners, even if they aren’t posting it anywhere. If you’ve been dating her for a while, it’s normal that there would be photos of you on social media or just on her phone. But if you try to take a photo with her and she tells you to not post it online, run o. The reason she might tell you is because she’s a “private person ” but come oooon, we all know what this means.
She doesn’t acknowledge you on social media
If she makes statements on social media that start with or have “This man…” my dear, forget it, you’re the side piece. If she’s being vague online about her relationship or acts like she’s not in a relationship, you’re definitely not THE boyfriend. And her reason for it would be “I like to keep my personal life private”. Liessssss! So, she’s not posting pictures of both of you, and she’s not acknowledging the relationship at all on social media? In the words of famous philosopher David Adeleke A.K.A Davido “something fishy’s going down”.
She’s not into any form of PDA
This isn’t always one of the sure signs you’re her side piece because some people are just not into PDA, but if she refuses to even hold your hand, welp. Without PDA, she can easily deny you and say you’re just a friend, we call that plausible deniability.
If she is always missing out on important dates, that’s another sign that there is no real commitment. Okay let’s say she has other things to do during other holidays, what about Christmas? If she’s not spending Christmas with you, you’re the side guy, my G. And most likely her excuse would be that she’s travelling with family, most likely to the village. Every time it comes to spending holidays together, she always has an excuse. Most importantly, if you don’t get to see her on her birthday, that’s a major sign. Although we women can have three birthdays in one year so you might never know, even if you ask for a birth certificate.
She doesn’t see you that much
If you were her boyfriend, she would try to make sure that she sees you as much as possible. However, as a side guy, she might only see you once or twice in two weeks and her excuse would be that she’s really busy. Also, your dates might only be during weeknights, and most times, they would be at your house.
If your “woman” is doing any of these things, you’re definitely not the main guy.
Remember that these were all hypothetical situations, women don’t have side guys because they don’t cheat.
If you don’t know what to get your girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, then here are nine things you should consider.
1) Shoes
A nice pair of shoes can instantly elevate her mood. It could be heels, flats or even sneakers. If you’re not sure what style she likes, ask some of her friends or check out shoes she’s hinted she likes. At least let her feet look good as she jumps to conclusions.
2) Your hoodie
If you don’t have a lot of money to spend for Valentine’s Day, your hoodie is a safe gift option. Not only is it cheap, but it’s a sentimental gift she’d absolutely love. This way, you can give her your least favourite hoodie and keep the ones you actually like.
3) Jewelry
This is a very tricky gift idea because if your girlfriend likes silver and you buy her gold, you might as well have carried knife to stab her in the chest. Necklaces, earrings, rings and bracelets. If you don’t want to risk buying the wrong thing, you can pay for her to get a new piercing. She’d love that.
4) Your bank card and pin
This is not a gift for the faint at heart, but for those who have money to spend. Let her go wild with your bank card and pin. Just make sure that things like rent and feeding money are removed from the card and you leave her with at least half a million naira to spend.
5) Perfume
My girls like to smell good, so why not give her a new signature scent or at least restock her current one? If you’re trying to buy her a new scent, better get one similar to the one she already uses. Let her not think that you’re gifting her the same perfume your side chick uses.
6) Bags
Those storage containers, also known as bags, are always welcome as Valentine’s Day gifts. Where else will she be able to store all your wrongdoings?
7) A day of pampering
Tell her to cancel everything else she’s had planned and just let her get spoilt like fried rice that they cooked three days ago. Pay for her to get her nails and hair done as well as a massage to release the tension of holding in all that wickedness. She deserves.
They’re not the only ones that can give gifts like that, or don’t you know where they sell cardboard? Buy a bunch and get to writing. Whenever she’s sad, tell her to take one of the notes.
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Valentine’s Day is coming. And since it seems like single people are not included in the plans, here are eight important things you should do if you’re single on Valentine’s Day
1) Delete all social media apps
Every year, “me and mines” terrorise us from Easter, all through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Do you think they will not cause you pain, suffering and gnashing of teeth on the day allocated for the celebration of romance? Just delete all your social media apps, if not, whatever you see, take it like that.
2) Text your ex
If it could happen to Rihanna, it can happen to you. Text your ex and see where it leads you. Maybe your story can finally change and you’d do Happy Valentine’s Day 2023
3) Steal people’s Valentine’s Day packages
Consider it reparations for all that they do. At least they can hold each other while you hold their gifts.
4) Pray
Even if no one loves you, at least they’re always saying there’s someone “up there” that loves you. Open your heart and pray like you’ve never prayed before.
5) Sleep
If you can’t go on a date in the physical realm, might as well sleep so your the partner of your dreams can wine and dine with you. All hope is not lost, dear.
6) Check your blood pressure
All the constant thinking and tensioning isn’t good for your heart. Since Valentine’s Day is commonly represented by a red heart, you might as well check and make sure it’s working properly.
7) Hustle
Make money so that you can at least console yourself with the fact that your bank account is fatter than theirs. The money you’d have spent on Valentine’s, you can use it to buy stocks. Work smarter, not harder, or whatever it is they say.
8) Read Zikoko
No matter whether you’re single or taken, Zikoko dey for you. You don’t have to ask us; we’re already your Val. You can spend as many hours as you want with us on our website.
If you are not single and you need help planning a Valentine’s Day package for your partner, click here
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No matter how old you are, navigating the ups and downs of dating apps can be quite the chore. From endless swiping to the high likelihood of being catfished — and then the conversations that eventually go to die on WhatsApp — not a lot of people make it past the getting-to-know-you phase on the app. So when these 40+ men told us they actually found love on dating apps in the year of Beyoncé 2022, you know we had to get the full gist.
I met my girlfriend almost a year ago, after being on Tinder for about five months. My 17 year-old daughter had bullied me into signing upon the app as I’d been single since we lost her mum in 2009. I thought it was a funny app and I was judgmental of the people there because I just thought it reeked of desperation. However, all of this changed when I met Toyin, my girlfriend. She’s only a year younger than me and the best thing to have happened to me in such a long time. Would we have met randomly on the streets of Lagos? Well, we’ll never know now. But I’m so happy I took that leap of faith even though I was skeptical at first. It’s been a year and I don’t regret a thing. Let me tell you something: love is sweet.
“I was just looking for a good time and now I’m in a romantic one-chance” — Sheriff, 40
A relationship was the last thing on my mind when I came back to Nigeria for the holidays a few months ago. I’d been on dating apps for a while and for me, it was all about the sex — good time, not a long time. In Philadelphia, it worked well for me, so I thought I’d just do the same and have a bit of fun in Nigeria. That’s how I got here, opened a dating app and matched up with this babe in like a week. We met up for drinks and then I found myself hanging out with her every day after that. Imagine? All my Detty December plans in the mud because of a woman.
I don’t regret it though, she makes me so happy and I can’t imagine my life without her. I was supposed to go back in January, but my work is remote so I’m still here. I’ll have to go at some point, but for now, I’m happy and in love.
“My children and I give each other relationship advice” — Victor, 41
I met my girlfriend Pat about three years ago, in 2019. I’d been through a messy divorce just two years prior and I was scared to put myself out there again. Plus, my two boys moved in with me after their mum left the country. Deep down, I just wanted them to view me as a responsible single father, and I felt going on multiple dates would taint that image. After saying no to many matchmaking attempts from family, my younger brother convinced me to sign up for a dating app. Swiping left was difficult for me because I thought it was rude, but over time I got over it.
I met Pat around June that year and by the time the 2020 lockdowns started, we were living together. She gets me in a way that allows me to have space and just exist as my own individual. I love that; I needed that. My sons are dating as well and we have a group chat where we just talk about our relationship issues and try to figure out solutions.
“I’ve never been happier or more settled. He feels like home.” — Bassey, 45
Dating apps for queer people can be really tricky. We all know it’s dangerous because you could easily get tricked, harassed, extorted or worse, killed. But deep down, for most of us, it helps us deal with loneliness. I met my man on a popular queer hookup app. At the time, I was looking for sex, so we just became fuck buddies. People claim that catching feelings for your fuck buddy is common, but Jide wasn’t my first, so I don’t even know how it happened. We moved from sex to conversations to dates, and now we live together. I never saw myself as one of the commitment gays, but here I am in love and fully committed to one man. The funniest part is if he proposes today, I’ll probably say yes even though I know it’s not feasible .
“We work together, but we also met on a dating app” — Uzo, 43
My girlfriend and I currently work together, but we initially met on Tinder. I joined the app as a joke a while ago, but one thing led to another and I met this girl who just blew me away. I didn’t think it was going to be anything, I mean she’s like eight years younger than me and we have totally different interests, but something about the way we could talk for hours (I hate calls) pushed me to explore the potential. While figuring this out, her company acquired mine and now we’re colleagues. No one knows yet and that makes it even sexier. Are we in love? I don’t know. But I know we’re on a journey towards it and I’m so excited.
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and all the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now.
In this episode, Aunty Z! has one thing to say and it’s “Leave him.” You’re too big, hello?????
Dear Aunty Z!
I’ve been in a relationship for more than a year. I’m still a virgin but I masturbate often. The problem is my boyfriend tried to rape me one time but he’s sorry about it. We make out but I’m so scared to have sex. He faults me sometimes and says I don’t like him as much as he likes me. I like him, but I’m scared and I think I would love to have sex when I feel safe in a relationship.
Leave him. He tried to rape you and it means he can try it again. Especially since he’s now trying to guilt trip you by talking about how much you don’t like him.
Sex is okay but I don’t think there’s anything in particular you’re missing especially since you masturbate, so you’ve got the orgasm part covered. If your partner can’t respect the fact that you’re just not up to it, then they should be your ex partner.
-Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!
I met this guy online and we’ve been together for over a year. We were flowing through texts and calls. On his birthday, I managed to get a cake to his house through some thorough searches and still gave him a gift when we met physically. Almost a month later he asked that I be his girlfriend but called it off after 6 days. We still talk and act like we have a relationship, because he doesn’t want me with other guys and he says he likes me.
On my birthday, he didn’t call. He only sent a text like I begged for it, but I went all out on his birthday. All the times we’ve gone out, I foot the bills and I give him gifts but he never reciprocates. I always want to stop talking to him, but he always comes saying he’s sorry and doesn’t want me to leave him. I honestly don’t know what to do.
Leave him. He doesn’t want you to be with other guys but he doesn’t want to date you? He didn’t even call you on your birthday? He’s always begging but never showing changed behaviour? Baby, this man wants to be in a relationship and on the streets at the same time. Leave him on the streets.
Both of you want different things out of this, and I feel like he just wants to be able to have someone. One day you’d ask him why he doesn’t do certain things for you and he’d tell you “Am I your boyfriend?” and he’d be right, because he’s not. I don’t want you to get heartbroken or embarrassed. Tell him you don’t think it’ll work out, if he comes begging, air him. Let him find who can want what he wants.
–Love, Aunty Z!
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We all know building relationships can be hard AF, but you know what’s more difficult? Walking away from a relationship you’ve invested your time and energy in. Spanning across romance, career and friendships, et cetera, these men finally walked away from relationships that weren’t serving them anymore. Here are their stories:
Priye, 28
I was involved with a woman for far too long who was carrying a lot of emotional baggage from her past. She refused to take responsibility for anything and would always find a way to blame or make me feel small whenever we had issues. I subconsciously started feeling that because I’m the man, any bump in our relationship was my fault. I was deeply insecure and all her words just kept eating at me untill I felt empty. Why did I stay? I can’t tell if it’s because I truly loved her or maybe it’s because I felt unloved as a child and this was the only version I knew, either way, it wasn’t healthy.
I eventually started seeing a therapist who helped me realise that my desperate need to be loved was blinding me from my current reality. I needed to fix myself first because the truth is, If I don’t respect and love myself, how do I expect someone else to do the same? I applied for jobs outside Abuja and eventually moved to Port Harcourt because I knew if we stayed in the same city, I wouldn’t be able to break up with her for good.
Kaodili, 22
As a gay man, having homophobic parents is one of the worst things that could ever happen to you. All my life, my parents have told me that I was a mistake, an abomination. From the moment I had consciousness, I knew I was gay and to be honest, I think my parents figured it out too. I remember my mum hitting me at the slightest chance she got. I was miserable AF. My dad, on the other hand, was too disgusted to even pretend to care. He just acted like I didn’t exist. The weird thing is that they weren’t even religious. The world hating you is one thing, but having your parents treat you like shit? Man, it hits differently.
I eventually got into university in the East, far away from them. It was the first time I felt some sense of peace and belonging, especially as I found my tribe in the school. I haven’t been home since I left and honestly, I don’t think they care. I graduate in July and once that is over, I’m moving to Lagos with my friends. I used to want my parents’ approval and love, but now I know I deserve to be surrounded by people who truly see me. As for my parents, they can choke.
Wole, 33
My work is my life. I know it’s a sad thing to say, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without two large-ass desktops facing me daily. It took me three years post-university to get a permanent job that I liked. I had sent over 1,000 CVs and prayed like crazy, but nothing was happening for me. I finally got a job and while I loved what I was doing there, my boss made my life a living hell.
I remember I would wake up every day, scared shitless just thinking about what she’d do next. She would walk in like a dementor and just suck out all the air from the room. It was her man’s company, so no one dared complain about the names she’d call us or the crazy tasks she’d assign. I didn’t want to rejoin the unemployment streets so I sucked it up for as long as I could until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I resigned, and about a month later, I saw people dragging her on Twitter. It felt good to know I wasn’t crazy.
TK, 27
You know those friends who make fun of you whenever people are around, and then gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting? I had a friend just like that in my early twenties. He was the clown of the group, so everyone knew Jammal was funny AF. Being funny is one thing; being a funny asshole is a whole nother thing. He had this annoying habit of pointing out my flaws in front of other people, sometimes, even strangers. He would joke about my weight, my boring job, the fact that I lived on the mainland and just really petty things. He was a bully.
Whenever I pointed out that I wasn’t a fan of what he was saying, he would turn it around and make himself the victim, and make everyone look at me like I was a killjoy. The last straw was the day he made fun of my mum after my dad left us for another woman. The beating I gave him that day? Lord have mercy. It was brutal but deeply satisfying. You don’t talk shit about people’s mums. I still see him around town and he’s still terrified, which makes me feel good.
Hector, 35
I recently got a divorce and it’s still very hard for me to talk about it. We were married for seven years, and if I’m being honest, the first five were the best years of my life. As we got older, we just started to grow distant and it wasn’t anyone’s fault — life happens. The problem was that instead of finding a way to fix the obvious gap in our relationship, we pretended like it wasn’t there because we didn’t want to lose each other. But you can only pretend to be happy for so long before it becomes resentment. Over time, we just started treating each other like shit. We were both mean and I just hope our children didn’t notice any of it.
We eventually saw a therapist and after a while, we realised we’d be happier apart. I hate that it took us this long and that we let the fear of “what if” mess up our marriage. Sometimes, there’s nothing left to save. I still love her and we’re great friends now, but I’m truly glad we split . If not for us, then for our kids.
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