It’s okay to be the softie in your relationship, you know. But if you’re really team hard guy, now you’ll be sure.
Take the quiz:
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. She talks about the various ways she’s tried to spice up her sex life and realising sex isn’t something she’ll ever enjoy.
What was your first sexual experience like?
When I was 16, I met this boy who’d just moved into the estate I lived in. We met on the road when he asked me for directions. He was a year older, and we attended the same church. I didn’t have a lot of friends my age, so from then on, I looked forward to the time we spent together.
One day, while his parents were out of town, he asked me to come over. I did, and we got to talking. We were watching this movie I had no interest in when he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed mainly because I was curious. I’d kissed a couple of people before, but he was different. I liked him. After we kissed, he asked if I wanted to take it further and have sex. I agreed. We went to his room; he used a condom and was very gentle. That’s how I had sex for the first time.
What was it like?
I’ve heard stories of how it’s supposed to be painful, and how much blood is usually involved, but it wasn’t like that. There was a slight pinch and no blood.
I also didn’t know what to do, so I lay there while he did everything. It didn’t last long, and I won’t describe it as an enjoyable experience. It was just something I did. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I didn’t know why I didn’t enjoy it.
So after the first time, did it become a regular thing?
Like a month later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him, so I was excited. Since we lived in the same estate, it was a lot easier to hang out. We’d take walks together, and when our parents weren’t around, we’d invite the other over. It usually ended with sex.
I noticed nothing changed for me the more we had sex. Sure, I knew a few more things to do, but I wasn’t enjoying it. I just kept having it because he liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. We broke up a few months after because of school. We knew we liked each other, but not enough to deal with going to different universities and its problems.
So what did you do about not liking sex?
Initially? Nothing. Then I got to university, and everyone was talking about how great sex is, so I decided maybe I wasn’t having sex the right way. My ex was soft and gentle, and I thought that was the problem. When I met another guy I liked, and we wanted to have sex, I told him to be rougher. He spanked me and did a lot of stunts, but I wasn’t enjoying myself. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me?
It became a routine. I’d meet a cute guy, get to talking, and when we’re having sex, I’m just there, riding dick, getting eaten out because that’s supposed to make me cum. And yes, there are a few orgasms here and there, but no pleasure. Just me feeling tired and hungry afterwards.
For how long did this go on?
At least, six years. It was frustrating because I’d like these men, form romantic connections with them; we’d flirt, I’d get flustered, wet, turned on, but then the sex was always flat. My body is reacting the way it does to stimulus and whatnot, but as a person, I feel “there”.
RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex
Why did the routine stop?
Well, I did something incredibly ridiculous. At least, in my opinion. I agreed to have a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend. I’d never been attracted to women like that, but a part of me kept thinking maybe the reason I wasn’t enjoying sex was I had it with the wrong people.
But I was too chicken to actually test the theory. I’ve never been someone to ask people out. Plus, with the way I was going about my routine, I don’t think any queer woman interested in me would think I was queer too.
Anyways, when she asked, I was kind of excited. Her boyfriend wasn’t the finest man in the world, but she described sex with him as if he was the best fucker on Earth. So I thought if sex with her didn’t work, maybe he’d be the one to actually make me like sex.
And?
I realised I was a heterosexual woman and threesomes might even be worse than sex with one person.
LMAO. What happened?
Well, in the “threesome”, I wasn’t actually allowed to touch the man. Neither was he allowed to touch me. My heterosexual friend and I were to kiss and touch each other while he watched. I didn’t enjoy being watched like that. It kinda creeped me out, but I stuck to it because I’m not a quitter. Very bland experience in my opinion. I would never attempt a threesome again.
But it did make me ask myself a few questions. Why was I so desperate to like sex? Like, there are other activities or things I don’t like, but I wasn’t going out of my way, trying to force myself to like them. Why was sex different?
RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass
Well, why was sex different?
It’s not a regular occurrence for people to not like sex. Everyone who’s having it speaks about it with such high praise, it makes you feel like if you’re not enjoying it, there’s a problem. Like you’re broken.
Before, I thought maybe I hadn’t found the kind of sex I liked, but I spent six years searching. I was fucking people because I wanted to see if something would click and sex would become enjoyable for me, but it never happened.
I’d spent time and resources trying to figure out why I didn’t enjoy sex, which made no sense because I also didn’t enjoy pounded yam, but I wasn’t trying to figure out why. I took it as a part of life and kept it going. That’s when I realised, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s okay to not enjoy sex.
Does that mean you never had sex again?
No, not that. I still have sex. I even had sex a few days ago. It’s just I’ve stopped beating myself up because I didn’t like it. The sex was nice. I had an orgasm and so did the person I had sex with, but that’s where it ends. Nice.
Not enjoying sex doesn’t mean I don’t feel sexual attraction. I do. I get horny and all of that, but for me, sex is a means to an end. I scratch my itch and that’s it. Remember how I said I don’t like pounded yam? Having sex is like eating pounded yam when I’m hungry. My body needs food and pounded yam is food. I finish my plate and might even ask for more. It’s not because I like it, but because my body needs it.
We’ll come back to not liking pounded yam later. How would you describe your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d say a 5. It’s just there. I’m having sex when I want to, but I’m not going out of my way to.
RELATED: Sex Life: This “Throat Goat” Wasn’t Enjoying Sex
READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way
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People swear they’re neither fans of calls nor texts, but does that need to change when they fall in love or enter a relationship? Can you really be interested in someone when you can’t make time to talk to them? These are the questions we had in mind when we spoke to these 8 Nigerians:
“We have at least two calls with texts in between”
Zo*, 28
It’s only right to talk to your partner at least once every day. When you’re not dead or haven’t gone missing, what is your problem?
My partner and I get on a call at least twice a day — one to talk about the day in view, the other to discuss how the day went — with texts at random intervals. We’ve been together for three years, and the longest we’ve gone without talking is a day because we were both really busy and ended up missing each other’s calls.
“We hadn’t spoken for 12 hours, then he showed up at my door”
Pelumi*, 24
There’s no limit to how often you should talk. My partner and I talk every 3-4 hours. There are a lot of calls involved, and when we can’t call, we text each other. Although we had a fight once and went a whole 12 hours without talking — I was going for 24 hours, lol — but he showed up at my door.
Being friends for a long time before dating definitely helps, but it’s still a lot of work.
“I can’t imagine anyone goes a day without talking to their partner”
Lola*, 26
No matter how busy I am, I’ll always find time for people who are important to me, so I’d expect the same energy. My partner and I talk every day, in the morning when we both wake up, with regular check-ins, afternoon check-ins are almost compulsory except for days when we’re very busy. And we have a rule to have evening calls because we’re intentional about communicating.
We’ve never stayed a day without talking, tops we’ve gone is five hours even when we were fighting. This is why I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t talk to the person they’re dating every day.
RELATED: 8 Signs You Are Now In A Serious Nigerian Relationship
“If we don’t talk in 24 hours, I’d assume you missing”
Erigga*, 24
If you stay a whole day without talking to me, I’d probably file a missing person’s report because, why? We have to talk multiple times a day, with chats, memes and a minimum of one long phone call.
“You should want to talk everyday”
Nosa*, 26
I used to think just being interested in someone meant you had to talk every day, but some things have changed, now I think you should want to talk to the person every day. So even if you don’t talk, it’s not because you don’t want to but because you just couldn’t. And you should save the day’s gist for the next day when you’re filling them in on what they missed.
“We talk till I fall asleep”
Lisa*, 25
We have to talk every day. In fact, every hour of the day, lol. I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year, and we talk every day. We used to talk a lot more before but it reduced with work stress and the general busyness of adulting. We make up for when we can’t talk during the day by talking at night. On some days, we would be on the call for so long that I’d fall asleep.
“You’re allowed to take a day’s break if you give me notice”
Emmanuel*, 23
If you can’t call or text, except you’re quarrelling, you shouldn’t go past two days. It’s okay for one party to go a day without communicating, as long as there was prior notice, even if you just say you didn’t feel like talking that day.
“We talk everyday because my girlfriend likes it”
Isaac*, 28
I think how often you should talk is largely dependent on what your partner likes. I talk to my babe like three times a day. We chat almost all day, but if she didn’t want to, I’d be okay going a day without talking. There’s no one-size-fits-all with relationships. Your willingness to compromise is what matters.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
ALSO READ: 4 Pros (And Cons) Of Being In A Relationship
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When you get into a new relationship with a plus-size person, there’ll be a whole phase of them feeling uncomfortable with you. But don’t get upset. As a plus-size woman, I can tell you they’re just unlearning the bad habit of wondering if you really find them beautiful — and to what extent.
Here are nine thoughtful ways to help your plus-size partner feel more comfortable.
Love them as they are
Please, don’t date someone with the expectation of changing them. Let them be. Don’t give snarky comments about their eating habits or what you think they need to do to look fit. Take them the way they are or not at all.
When you’re planning a date, pick a location that isn’t crowded
Crowded places make it easy for your partner to overthink how they look. Of course, taking them out of their comfort zone once in a while isn’t a bad thing, but in the beginning, try to keep it simple. Pick restaurants with outdoor and indoor spaces. It’s a lot less choked up and gives your plus-size partner more options.
RELATED: How to Be a Plus-Size Girl in Nigeria — According to Muna Ikejiaku
Always let them pick where to sit on dates
I love sitting in corners and I don’t like to be in the centre of a room because I feel everyone’s staring at me. And that makes me anxious. If there’s no corner seat, I still want to be the one to pick a spot because I’ll choose a place that makes me feel like it’s just my partner and me at that moment. And that’s the whole point of the date, right?
Don’t dump them with your friends when you hang out together
When you’re out for a party or introducing them to people, don’t disappear into the crowd. Stick around and ease them into your social circle, especially if they’re not social butterflies.
If they sweat a lot, don’t ask why they’re always sweaty
Your plus-size partner will likely sweat when they’re moving from an air-conditioned car into a hot room, or if they’re nervous. And they already know they’re sweaty, so don’t ask. Just carry a handkerchief around if you want to be helpful.
RELATED: I’m Treating My Body Like It’s My Own
Don’t force them to tell you their dress sizes
There are a lot of things to consider with clothes. First of which is that it’s already difficult to find plus-size clothing in stores. Also, a size 16 in one store can be a size 14 in another. The worst thing is getting an outfit that ends up not fitting. So my advice? Observe where they shop and how they shop first. Or ask a close friend who knows what they like and make your move.
Feed them
Create a safe space for your partner when it comes to food. There’s nothing quite as intimate as an indoor date where you cook for them or order your favourite meals. It lets your partner know their cravings are valid.
Always compliment them
Never miss telling them how beautiful they are. Say it when you’re alone, around friends, everywhere. Be the cute partner that makes sure your partner knows how much you love them.
Ease into being physically intimate with them
They’ll always overthink if they should get on top of you, let you carry them or touch certain parts of their bodies. It takes time to trust that someone loves every part of your body. So if they resist, rather than getting upset, re-affirm that you love them wholly.
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I saw this tweet below and the amebo in me decided to ask people what jobs they wouldn’t want their partners to have.
This is what they said:
“I’ll die from embarrassment if my man decides to become an IG comedian”
— Adeola, 25
I’m not sure how I’d react if my man decides to become an IG comedian. I can’t imagine seeing my man on Instagram trying to make people laugh by changing into different ridiculous costumes. I can already feel the second-hand embarrassment just thinking about it. It’s even worse if he’s the type that wears wigs and dresses. Someone will ask me what my man does, and I’ll have to say he’s an IG comedian, God Abeg. Also, what if he’s not funny? I still have to share the video on my insta story and encourage him? I can die of embarrassment.
“Imagine seeing girls fawn over your husband on social media and in person”
— Emma*, 24
My heart won’t be able to accept my partner if he decides to be an actor. First of all, there’s all that lip action. How are you kissing all these people with so much passion and you expect me to think there’s nothing there? Aside from the acting, there are the fans. I know how crazy fangirling can be, so imagine seeing girls fawn over your husband on social media and in person. I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t know how wives of people like Etim Effiong or RMD do it.
QUIZ: Which Nollywood Actor Are You?
“My biggest fear is that I’d have to play their music to my friends”
— Ikenna*, 26
If my partner decides to become a musician, I’ll end the relationship. First of all, they’ll play their songs for you all the time, and you have to listen even when you’re not in the mood. Imagine living with them and they now have a studio in the house; I’d run mad. It’s worse if they play an instrument and they’re trying to “serenade” you; that’s even more stress. Then they expect you to say nice things about the music, which basically means I’d have to lie, and I don’t know how to lie. That’s how the relationship will end. My biggest fear is that I’d have to play their music to my friends or make my friends attend their music shows. That’s a hard pass for me, please.
“I don’t know how I’d react if my husband gets a job offshore”
— Chisom*, 24
For me, it’s my husband deciding to become one of those oil workers that work offshore. I can’t live with the fact that I might only get to see the love of my life once every 2 – 3 months. I’ve been doing long distance for over three years. I finally get to be with him, and that’s when he decides to get into a career that’ll once again keep him away? Yeah — no, I’m not doing that. It’s the same reason why I’d also be upset if he decided to become a pilot.
Also, becoming a masseuse is off the table, simply because I may pass out from the thought of my partner rubbing his hands all over another person.
“I wouldn’t respect my boyfriend if he decided to become a stripper”
— Bola*, 24
I’ll break up with my man if he decides to become a male stripper. I think male stripping is silly, and everyone will see how silly my boyfriend is. I’m not sure I’d have respect for him if he decided to get into that. And I’d feel major second-hand embarrassment.
ALSO READ: Nigerians Call Strippers So Many Dirty Names — A Week in the Life of a Stripper
“I’ll feel like one of her subscribers”
— Maxwell*, 22
If my girlfriend decides she wants to be on Onlyfans, I’ll shed serious tears. The main reason is that nothing will feel special again; I’ll just feel like one of her subscribers.
“I wouldn’t want to do traditional rites with my partner”
— Adamma*, 27
There are two jobs on this list: traditional ruler and politician. First of all, they both involve having to be responsible for human beings, and I know I’m not cut out for that. Also, as the wife of a traditional ruler, I’d have to do ritual rites with him, and that’s a big no for me. As a politician’s wife, I’d be expected to behave a certain way and to do certain things. If he’s now a bad leader, citizens will curse my family and me anyhow.
“I don’t rate makeup artists”
— Emmanuel*, 26
Becoming a makeup artist is where I draw the line. I don’t take makeup artists seriously. I just don’t rate the job. I think most makeup looks look weird, and every Nigerian babe looks the same nowadays. I think the “art” in make-up artist is pretentious sef.
“I don’t want my girlfriend making it easier for other men”
— Ola, 27
I hope my girlfriend never becomes a stripper. It’s one thing for other men to ogle your woman; it’s another thing for her to make it easy for them.
Funny enough, I’d already told millennials not to date people with certain jobs in this article: Dear Millennials, for Your Own Sake, Don’t Date People With These Jobs
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Is your significant other the best thing since agege bread or is it time to return to the streets?
These are surefire signs that your partner doesn’t mean you well:
They don’t brush their teeth first thing in the morning
Do we need to tell you that they’re trying to suffocate you with bad breath? Stay woke.
They brush their teeth immediately they wake up
Who are they trying to smell good and stay healthy for, exactly? Check the streets, your boo might be there.
They like pasta
If your partner has a taste for creamy pasta and its cousins, your account or your lactose intolerant bowels are in danger.
Their beliefs are questionable
If your significant other is already saying stuff like, “30+ women are expired goods,” “partners don’t need to know about each other’s finances” or “Semo is nice,” why are you still there?
They have to travel 6 times a year
Are they in a weird competition with Bubu? Your partner clearly has no other plans than to erase your account. Avoid them.
You’ve still not seen their apartment
They’re trying to show you that they live on the streets. You have no future there.
Their mantra is “I can’t kill myself”
They spend money anyhow and blame it on mercury and her lucozade. Do you really want to be with someone that discourages you from smart financial decisions and investments in this economy?
All you both do is watch TikTok videos
You: “Baby, I really want to learn more about real estate, Bitcoin and NFTs.”
Them:
They don’t listen to the “To Be Quite Honest” Podcast
If your partner hasn’t told you about this podcast, they obviously don’t mean you well. They talk about real estate, investment opportunities, social trends, and other stuff that’ll bring you out of poverty. It’s not every time food or movies, sometimes think about your future.
To Be Quite Honest Podcast is a fun and engaging stop for everything about real estate investment. Get updates on new episodes on Instagram via @tobequitehonestpod
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Red flags are everywhere when it comes to relationships and dating. Some people spot it on time and run away, but others either don’t see them or ignore the red flags until it’s too late. These Nigerian men are the latter: they spotted red flags early in their relationships and still stayed.
Now, they’re sharing their experiences.
“My girl flirting with other guys keeps me on my toes”
— Aliyu, 30
When I met my girlfriend, she was with another man. The way she kept flirting with me and laughing, I thought she was single. Long story short, I “stole” her from the other guy. Now that we’re together, she’s constantly flirting with every bearded guy she meets but honestly, it’s not a problem for me.
I thrive well in the face of competition. Knowing I’m dating a girl who can leave me anytime has put me on my toes. From the sex to the dates and how I treat her, I’m always looking to impress my girlfriend. We’ve been together for three years, so I guess it’s working.
“I’m learning to live with my girl’s shitty music taste”
— Daniel, 25
My girlfriend’s favourite song is Harlem Shake. I don’t think I’ve met anyone with a worse taste in music than her. Bad music might not look like a red flag to other people, but music is an important part of my life — it’s how I try to figure out the world.
I’ve tried to put her on to good music, but she’s set in her ways, and now I have to spend the rest of my life listening to Pitbull and Paris Hilton.
“I think my girlfriend has a spiritual problem”
— Fidelis, 28
There’s a popular trope about women never knowing what they want to eat, but my girlfriend is the worst. On our first date, this babe spent about 30 minutes with the waiter trying to figure out what she wanted to order. After all the serenre, she still ate from my plate. Ma’am, you’re just getting to know me!
I ignored that red flag, and since we started dating, I don’t think this babe has confidently opened her mouth to order food. These days I order for both of us. If she doesn’t like it, she can soak garri or make Indomie.
RECOMMENDED: 9 Red Flags Women Absolutely Hate
“I’m dating someone obsessed with Instagram likes”
— Tobi, 39
I should’ve figured out my girlfriend was obsessed with social media when she deleted a picture we took together because of “lack of engagement”. As someone who generally doesn’t care for social media, I’ve always wondered why she went through so much trouble to win people’s approval, especially when she hasn’t met most of them.
We had a big fight about it and broke up about a year ago, but I realised my life without her was like eating plain white rice without any sauce. We’re back together, and I’m slowly learning to adapt to my life with her.
“My girlfriend is a thief, but I’m a thief too, so it’s fair”
— Hakeem, 24
The first time I invited my girlfriend over to spend the night, she stole my hoodie and sweatpants. I didn’t take it seriously at the time because I know stealing men’s clothes is what women do. But every time this babe comes, she always takes one shirts — even my trousers! The annoying thing is, she doesn’t allow me to wear my own clothes after she’s worn them.
Because I refuse to be cheated, I’ve started using her skincare products too. If you can steal my Fear of God hoodie, I will use your Skinceutical Vitamin C face serum as a hand cream. The bible says an eye for an eye.
“My girlfriend is passive-aggressive”
— Ikenna, 33
The biggest problem in my relationship is that my girlfriend and I never fight. We don’t even argue. Whenever something goes wrong, she gives me the silent treatment. It has been like that since we started dating, but I thought it was because she didn’t know me then. Eight months into our relationship now and nothing has changed.
I love her so much, and I’ve spoken to her about seeing a therapist. Hopefully, she agrees. I don’t know how long I can use my love for her as a blanket over this huge character flaw.
ALSO READ: 4 People Tell Us About the Red Flag That Made Them End Their Relationships
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Just like Burna Boy predicted, last last you eventually chopped breakfast. Or maybe you’re the one who dished it. The point is, you’re still in love with them. No shame — it happens to the best of us.
If you’d like to put those feelings to rest, you’re in the right place.
1. You don’t
This was someone you thought you’d either get married to or date forever. Imagine going back to a talking stage with someone else? Ew.
2. Set apart three months (at least) for all the feels
Just let yourself cry and go through all the emotions. Don’t let your village people tempt you to do it on Instagram Live though.
3. Become an alcoholic
You’ve already lost your heart, why not lose your liver too?
4. Eat away your sorrows
Food is the best way to forget about someone you love. Don’t believe us? Try this dodo and ice cream combo and see if you still remember their name.
5. Get fit
Channel that heartbreak into getting fit. You may not get your love interest back but you’ll have your summer body on lock. Lose some, win some.
RELATED: Are People Really Spending This Much at the Gym?
6. Look through their throwback pictures
So you can look at their pimple-faced, boot-cut trousers-wearing former selves and wonder why you ever got attracted to them in the first place.
7. Gossip about them with your friends
That’s if you hadn’t abandoned your friends when the love was sweeting you. You see yourself now?
8. Make mad money
You need to focus on important things if you want to heal. What’s more important than making money?
9. Get married
So you can
pepper your exsee that there are literally billions of other people out there for you.10. Block them
They might try to come back when you eventually reclaim your bad bitch status and you simply don’t need that energy in your life.
RECOMMENDED: These Heartbreak Stories Will Make You Rethink Your Relationship
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The Nigerian universities’ god of thunder, ASUU, went on a labour strike from the 14th of February 2022, and the everyday lives of Nigerian students came to a stop. What is customarily a 4 or 5-year programme now has a “plus x” clause to it, where x is the number of years ASUU decides to go on strike during your time in school.
In addition to being unplugged from the academic life, students’ social lives relationships are also being affected. We’ve previously discussed what Nigerian students really do during strikes. But what does it feel like to have your social life upended because of strikes?
These five Nigerian students told us how the ASUU strike has affected their relationships.Asake, 22
I wouldn’t say that it has affected it so much. Most of my friends are introverts so it’s not like we used to go out to see each other or anything. We were all very comfortable being online and talking. But even now, that has reduced a lot. It just feels like I’m unplugged from the kind of life I used to have.
Debola, 19
The strike hasn’t affected my personal relationships in a bad way at all. Maybe it’s because I’m introverted. I have a closed group online where I keep up with friends and it feels like we never left. But if I have to think about whether or not I’ve met new people, then it gets worrying.
Tola, 21
My relationships have taken a hit. I used to have a lot of friends, and we’d play football and basketball every week. I also talked with my boyfriend every day. Now I’m just a couch potato who just wants to eat and watch movies all day. It’s like I’m slipping deeper into aloneness and there’s simply nothing I can do to stop it.
Chioma, 24
I think my personal relationships are in a coma right now. It’s not even from my side alone. No one is talking to me and I’m not talking to anyone. It’s as if we’re all totally cut off from each other. It feels like COVID-19 all over again.
John, 21
Being home for this long feels like a prison sentence. I haven’t gone to a party in months. I can’t get drunk and have fun with my friends like I used to do. Even with WhatsApp and all that, it’s still quite boring. I was a “hoe” back in school. But here, all I do is go to church and talk to old people. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s not all that bad. At least, I still have Call of Duty: Mobile that I play with my friends every day.
NEXT READ: What Do Nigerian Students Really Do During ASUU Strikes?
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Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Adaeze* and Billie* have been friends for a year and five months. In this episode of Zikoko Sunken Ships, they discuss falling in love, pursuing a romantic connection, failing at that and why they’re choosing to be just friends even though they’re still in love with each other. Here’s their story:
How did the two of you meet?
Billie: We met on Tinder. I swiped right because I thought she was pretty. Honestly, I don’t know why she swiped right for me. I had a Kermit the frog picture on my profile. Adaeze, do you have a Kermit fetish?
Adaeze: Of course, I don’t. I swiped right for two reasons. The first is they have a hot name. I’ve not met a single unattractive person that has that name. Secondly, I thought they were someone I already knew, so I swiped for laughs. It turns out they were a stranger. So, when we matched, I went into it with the idea of friendship.
Billie: Oh, you just wanted to be my friend? I didn’t know that. I mean, it’s not like I swiped with the idea that we’d automatically become romantic interests, but I was open to it. I had downloaded the app maybe two days before meeting her, so I didn’t have a lot of expectations.
Adaeze: God put Tobi there to find me. That’s the theory I’m working with.
RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated
So, when did we start catching feelings?
Billie: Almost immediately. The first time we met was a month and some weeks after we started talking. And it was the day we had our first kiss. I was so shy.
Adaeze: They were so nervous and kept moving around, flailing their arms and talking. I had to start the kiss, and I believe it was a really great first kiss. It really broke the ice.
Billie: I could have done better.
Adaeze: Yes, you could have stopped shaking.
Billie: Apologies, ma’am.
Would you like to be interviewed for Sunken Ships?
Adaeze: We were actually supposed to see the next day, which was a Saturday, but because I really wanted to see them, we moved it to Friday night. I didn’t even realise I had caught proper feelings for them until the next day.
We spent the entire day in a hotel, and I had cramps so they held me while I slept. We watched Midsommar, and they closed my ears when the scary parts happened because I hate gore. That’s when it hit me that, wait o, I might actually have feelings for this person. I don’t even think they remember doing all of that.
Billie: Rate me small, please. I remember, and I’d still do the same for her. I’d do the same thing for any of my friends.
Adaeze: But here I was thinking it was a not-so-friendly action. I’ve come to realise that both of us have different ways we approach friendship and romantic relationships.
There are some things I’ve reserved for my friends and some for people I’m romantically involved with. It’s just that what I think is strictly reserved for people I am in a romantic relationship with, oga does for their friends.
Like that day when they held and fed me because I had cramps, I wouldn’t have done that for a friend. Sure, I could have fed the friend, but I don’t like physical touch enough to hold them. But I would for someone I’m in love with.
Billie, does that mean you didn’t have romantic feelings towards Adaeze?
Billie: I did. That Saturday, when she told me she had feelings for me, I told her I felt the same way. It’s just that I have some issues with commitment. I’m a dickhead and will ruin things eventually. Plus, I’m not ready for the kind of commitment a relationship will bring. I don’t like putting labels on things. Labels are too constrictive.
Adaeze: Billie is a hippie. They don’t want a girlfriend, so we decided to see where things went.
Friend is fine, but girlfriend is too much?
Billie: I guess she’s my girlfriend then.
Adaeze: This is not how you ask a peng babe like me out.
Billie: Wait, I mean, she’s a friend that’s a girl.
RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness
I’m sorry, that statement is giving primary four, and it just had to be said
Adaeze: Oho! The thing is, I feel like I’d have been fine, but then I found out that Tobi was seeing other people, and I lost it.
Billie: So I removed sex from the equation. I wasn’t going to stop seeing other people. She wanted more than I could give, so I’d rather just be her friend.
Adaeze: I wanted exclusivity and commitment. They make me feel safe and not stupid. I wanted to go out and scream that I was their girlfriend and we were together. I wanted to feel secure about it and just be with them.
I think it’s good they withdrew those things so I wouldn’t keep getting my feelings hurt.
So, what does your current friendship look like?
Adaeze: It’s still a bit weird, and I wish I could change that, but I’m trying to get used to our relationship without the romance. I was afraid that they’d stop liking me because they had removed those things from the table.
Billie: Maybe if we had made it strictly platonic from the start, I wouldn’t have hurt her in this way.
Adaeze: Even if you’d have made it platonic, I’d have still tripped and fallen in love with you, unfortunately.
I think our friendship works because they’re so honest and plain. We have a lot in common, and our differences sometimes complement each other. Talking to them can be easy.
An ideal friendship is one where I don’t feel weird talking to them. The dynamics and boundaries have been properly set, and they finally stop complaining when I take all their clothes. We’re the same size fgs. Is it not a sign?
Billie: Please stop stealing my clothes; I have nothing to wear anymore. But yeah, she’s so easy to talk to. I never feel weird with her or that I’m being judged. Plus, she always has gist for me. I just wish what we had happened in a way that nobody gets hurt.
Are you both still in love with each other?
Adaeze: I love them a lot, but love isn’t enough. I recognise that, but it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Billie: I don’t think anything will change how I feel about her. We’d have been together if I wasn’t so scared of commitment.
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