Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
This week’s Sunken Ships subject, Angela*, talks about how her relationship with Tito* was built on arbitrary decisions. Throw in their age difference, recklessness, Angela’s fear of breaking Tito’s heart, and some ghosting; we have a Sunken Ship.
How did the both of you meet?
Angela: I’ve known Tito for exactly one year. We met on a random evening when my roommate and I were trying to buy some food for dinner. At the shop, we saw a friend with someone I’d never met before. So, we got introduced.
When we all got what we needed, I followed Tito and my friend back to their house. Rain was falling, but my roommate and I had drank a little, so I was feeling impulsive. Plus, their street wasn’t too far from where I lived, so if I changed my mind halfway, I could go back home with minimal effort.
The major reason I followed them home was because I wanted to talk to Tito. She looked so cool with her piercings and partly shaved head. She seemed like someone I’d get along great with, and it wasn’t a complete lie. By the time I was leaving their place though, she’d barely said a single word to me.
That sucks
Angela: The only time Tito spoke to me was when she asked for my snap. So every day since I left their place, she kept sending me snaps. Low-key, I was annoyed because, why didn’t she talk to me? What was I using her snaps to do? I eventually started replying out of boredom, and we got a snap streak going.
The next time we met was about two weeks after. It was at a party, and she was walking around with my friend because she’d drunk a lot and needed someone to watch over her. I think she was actually fine but thought my friend was attractive. Knowing Tito now, that’s the kind of stunt she’d pull.
Anyways, my friend and I ended up watching over Tito, and as the night went on, we danced together a bunch of times. Then, we kissed. There had been no discussion beforehand, but I blamed the alcohol, music and my loneliness. I shouldn’t have done it because we didn’t know each other, and we were in public, but I did it anyway.
Angela: We both went to our separate houses. It’s not like I’d fall in love with someone because of one kiss. We’d barely spoken more than three sentences to each other. She was just a mutual friend I kept a snap streak with.
Then?
Angela: Another two weeks later, she sent me a message that they were around where I stayed and wanted to say hi. I was bored and needed some company, so I agreed.
We talked alone for hours about everything from life to exes, school, work, money, etc. Having her alone made me realise how fun she is, and we didn’t realise it was getting late. They were about to lock my gate, so in the spirit of randomness, I asked her to stay. She did. She never left.
What d’you mean she never left?
Angela: Okay, she did leave and I’m being a bit dramatic, but she only left to shower and change clothes. It became a thing. She’d come to my room every night, we’d go on a long walk together, and she’d sleep over. Then, I got her a sponge, amongst other things, and she brought some of her clothes. That’s how she moved in with me.
You’re joking. Very Abuja-man behaviour
Angela: Everything about Tito and I’s friendship was random. Us sleeping together and with the same people, us living together, etc., was just a combination of random decisions and love.
Love?
Angela: Our falling in love was bound to happen. None of our friends were surprised when we told them. She’s kind, sweet, funny, caring, protective and reckless. A stellar combination that’d knock the socks off of any woman, and I realised how lucky I was to have her.
I don’t take care of myself a lot. Instead, I focus all that energy on caring for other people, but Tito brought me back to myself. She helped me be selfish and cared for me when I was too tired to take care of myself. She loved me and worshipped the ground I walked on. I was in my princess era with her.
Angela: She’s a year and some months younger than me. Now, it’s not illegal because we met when I was 20, and she was 18, but the age difference bothered me a lot. A whole lot.
It seemed like we were at completely different stages in life. I was rounding up university, and she was in her second year. I had a job, and she did a bunch of not completely legal things like dabbling in fraud and helping people move drugs around.
I’d say some things to her, and she wouldn’t get it, and it’ll make me realise how different we were. It didn’t allow me to take her seriously a lot of times. I’d only ever been with women older than me. This was different and not entirely in a good way.
Was it just the age?
Angela: It felt like she didn’t take life as seriously as I did. It’s okay to have a little fun once in a while, but it seemed like she always wanted to have fun. There were situations you’d expect her to be serious, but she never was. It was exasperating, and I constantly felt like a terrible person for reminding her she had to take things seriously.
I’d battle the guilt, we’d argue, have fantastic sex, and we’d try to move on. But the same issue will come up again. I was tired, and I didn’t realise how much until school closed because of the strike in February.
Angela: We don’t see each other anymore because we live in different states. She called a lot, but I started finding the calls annoying. I got a job, and she’d be calling me in the middle of a meeting or while I’m trying to cook or do some housework.
I found myself avoiding her calls a lot, which led to me ignoring her in general. I wasn’t replying messages or keeping in touch. She started dating someone, and her girlfriend tried to reach out to me. We were all friends so it wasn’t shocking, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t start ignoring her on purpose.
I’ve never broken anyone’s heart before, and I’ve never wanted to because I don’t like when I get my own heart broken. But I realised not talking to her meant I was breaking her heart. Yet I don’t know what to say to her or how to say it.
Would you ever talk to her again?
Angela: Yes, but I plan to put it off for as long as possible. I’ve not figured out the words or how to say. She loves me a lot, and it’ll hurt to tell her all these things. I’m low-key hoping she’d read this and get some closure. I’m a coward who does terribly with confrontation.
What about when school resumes?
Angela: It’ll be very awkward. I don’t even want to think about that, but I’ll try my hardest to avoid her. She has a key to my room and can take her stuff when I’m not there. So it’ll be easier for her to move on if she hates me. I’m okay with that.
Do you still love her?
Angela: Yes, I do. But love isn’t enough. I need security, assurance and someone who takes life as seriously as I do. I can’t get that from her, and that’s okay.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
The subjects of this week’s Love Life are Frank*, 56, and Enobong*, 51. They talk about dating for six years, navigating long-distance in a time without phones and being married for 23 years.
What’s your earliest memory of each other
Frank: I had an office in Ikeja beneath a computer school, and the day she came to register, she said hi to me. We went to the same university back in Calabar, so it was nice to see a familiar face.
Enobong: I was 22 and trying to be useful during holidays, so I enrolled at a computer class. The first day we had a conversation, I mentioned I was going to the market after computer classes. He told me to buy something for him from the market, and I did. I didn’t know what to buy, so I bought him a handkerchief.
Frank: I didn’t think she would buy it. I just said it to continue the conversation.
How did you realise you liked each other?
Enobong: Well, at that time, there was some other person I was talking to. But when I went to visit him one day, he did something that made me realise I didn’t want a relationship with him. I thought, “Frank wouldn’t hurt me like that.” That’s how I realised I genuinely liked him.
Frank: So I was a rebound?
Enobong: Something like that, yes.
Frank: Wow. Well, I realised I liked her when I tried to make her jealous. I had this female friend who came to write exams but was resting in my office. I told the friend to help me gauge Eno’s reaction when she sees me taking her to lunch. As I realised I cared about her reaction, I knew just how much I felt for her.
Enobong: Yes now. She was a very pretty girl, and I knew they were close friends. I thought he would go for her over me, but here we are.
Frank: I didn’t even know she was jealous because she never acted on it. She’s never been one for drama.
And how did that progress to dating?
Enobong: Honestly, I don’t remember. I know I started talking to him every day. Before or after the computer classes start, I’d pop into his office to talk.
Frank: Well, we would talk like that for the duration of the computer training period. Then one day, I told her I wanted us to be friends.
Enobong: I remember wondering what he meant. Weren’t we friends? We’d been talking almost every day for a year.
Frank: I liked her a lot and wanted us to be friends. I wanted to know where the feelings would take us.
What was dating like?
Enobong: Well, we saw each other as often as we could because, when the holiday ended, I went back to school in Calabar while he stayed in Lagos. There were no phones then, so we only wrote letters to one another.
Frank: Sometimes, she wouldn’t get my letters, so it was only the love I had for her that kept me going. I’m an architect, and sometimes, I’d get jobs in Calabar, so we’d hangout once or twice during the school year. But asides from that, nothing till the holidays.
How did you people cope?
Enobong: I was busy with school and church, so I didn’t even have the energy to entertain anything else.
Frank: When you love someone, it occupies your mind. My thoughts were filled with her, and I couldn’t think of anyone else. I knew I wanted to marry her, but she was still in school. We decided to wait until she was done with her NYSC.
Funny enough, I’d sworn I would never date anyone who’s still in school because they wouldn’t be faithful to me. But if I’d already broken one rule, waiting for her to finish was something else I could do.
After she was done with NYSC, which was about six years after we started dating, I proposed to her during a get-together at my cousin’s house. I told everyone I had an announcement to make, and I asked her to marry me.
Enobong: I was shocked because I didn’t know he’d planned it, but I’d made up my mind that if I looked for a job for a year and didn’t find one, I’d get married. I loved him enough to marry him immediately, but I wanted to find a job first. When I didn’t, I decided to go ahead with the wedding.
How was that like?
Enobong: My family liked him, but they initially thought I was rushing into it because they didn’t know we’d dated that long. Once I cleared the air with them, they were no longer worried about it. They also thought I should’ve gotten a job first.
Frank: The only problem we could’ve had was that she comes from a very rich family. Me, not so much. My dad had just died, and I was caring for my siblings.
I’m lucky she wasn’t one for extravagance, but I still took it as a challenge upon myself. I wanted to make her happy always. It might be with something small like coming back home with a gift for her, her favourite biscuits, but it’s important she’s happy.
God when? What was it like after the wedding?
Enobong: The year we got married, we had our first child. I don’t think anything about us changed. We were just a couple with a child.
Frank: We prayed a lot and knew this was the path God was leading us to, so we never deterred. Anything that came across as a challenge, we took it to God. We promised ourselves early on that we wouldn’t bring other people into our relationship. It was just us and God.
Enobong: We have three children we love very dearly.
Frank: Having children made us love each other more. These were the products of the love we shared.
Enobong: Children bind you to a person, and ours bound me to someone I love.
What’s something about marriage that you realised the older you got?
Frank: Marriage is about working on it. Nobody can say they have it 100%. You started out as strangers, and now, you’re making a life together. There’ll be bumps, but you’ve made the decision to stay together, so you must work on it. You navigate your differences and try to understand.
When we had our third child, there were some complications with the birth and we argued about it for a while. How much rest she was taking and how little she needed to work, but we worked it out.
Enobong: You may have a plan for yourself and the place you want to be at a certain point after being married, but you might not get there. That’s why love is important.
Also, living with someone is much different than dating them. I didn’t know this man was messy. He leaves nylons and food wrappers everywhere.
Frank: It’s not that bad. She’s exaggerating.
Any challenges?
Enobong: He’s messy.
Frank: She’s always saying, “I don’t know,” when I ask her questions. How can she not know? I want to make her happy all the time, but I don’t think I have the capacity for it. I try my best though.
Enobong: You do.
On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life
Frank: An 8. If it were a 10/10, it’ll no longer be a human relationship. We still have our shortcomings, but we care about each other greatly.
Enobong: 8.5 because we understand each other. We try our best.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
Photo by Good Faces on Unsplash
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 23-year-old Nigerian woman. She tells us about discovering her feminism, pansexuality and atheism through books while living with her close-knit conservative family.
What’s something about your life that makes you happy?
I’m enjoying being single right now. I don’t have commitments to anybody, and I don’t need to make weird decisions based on what society expects in relationships.
My last serious relationship was in 2018 when I was in year two at university. Right after that, I got into a toxic and demeaning situationship with an older guy, that went really bad. I was 19, and he was manipulative, so it was difficult to get out of it. Those two years were a character development phase for me, and I’ve only been in situationships since then.
Since the first situationship was so toxic, why did you enter more of them?
I’m scared of being in a proper relationship. And this is because I just don’t like most of the people who’ve approached me, or they’re misogynists. Or I don’t like them because they’re misogynists.
How do you know they’re misogynists right away?
Through conversation? The last time I met someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me, we had a very telling conversation. And I have some red flags that make knowing easier for me. One of them is if you’re anti-LGBTQ.
For me, feminism and freedom of sexual and gender identity are inseparable. If you claim to be a feminist man, you need to understand people can make choices on who their partner should be too. When you meet some men, they’ll say, “I’m a feminist, but….” Just know the ‘but’ will reveal how they’re not feminists because they’ll give an excuse. It’ll be “but you should understand….”
No, I want someone who understands the basics of equality.
And the guy you met?
He wasn’t LGBTQ. He said, “I don’t have a problem with them, but….” He might as well have said, “I’m a feminist, but….” Apart from that, he randomly asked me, “Do you know how to cook?” I said no, and he was like, “It’s a lie because if you grew up in an African home, every mother teaches their daughter how to cook”.
He started talking about how he knows it’s not compulsory, but he thinks a woman should know how to cook. Meanwhile, he didn’t know how because his mom didn’t teach him, and his daddy didn’t like men entering the kitchen. He was obviously not a feminist. That turned me off immediately.
Understandable. So how do these casual relationships work?
I’m a fool because I expect exclusivity in them. I think it’s the boyfriend-girlfriend tag I don’t want. I just want a go-to person I can see regularly, who’s not my boyfriend. And I’m terrible at casual relationships for someone who always finds a way to enter them because I always end up catching feelings.
There’s no avoiding those, I fear
I know. In my last situationship, the person was my G. We were just friends who started liking each other, and something happened. I was scared he would want something serious after that, so I told him I didn‘t want us to continue since I wasn’t ready for that. He assured me he didn’t want anything, and that’s when I caught feelings.
This only ever happens when I know the other person is not interested. Once it looks like the person likes me back, I run away. I don’t even know what my problem is, but I’m not interested in any kind of dating right now. And of all the new people I’ve met, none of them is giving.
What was growing up like for you, considering your progressive beliefs?
First of all, from JSS 1, my parents sent me off to boarding school, and I hated all the flogging and shouting there. But back home on holidays, my family was pretty close. Like most girls in the average Nigerian family, I was an omo get inside. I wasn’t allowed to go out. Once I’m home for even a midterm break, I’m locked in. I wasn’t allowed to attend my friends’ birthday parties. I wasn’t even given a phone until after I graduated from secondary school.
This is probably why I prefer to stay indoors now; I’m so used to it. I was always monitored, and I was never given a reason why. I got no allowance, so I couldn’t even sneak out, and if I was caught outside, I’d be flogged. It was just my siblings and me, reading books and watching TV indoors, all day every day, while our parents went to work. My mom would usually be home earlier than my dad; he was hardly available except on Sundays and some Saturdays. So I wasn’t comfortable with him because he was like a guest in our home.
Were you religious like the average Nigerian family?
Yes. We went to church every Sunday and for some weekday services too. When I was younger, we attended MFM, so we would always go to camp. Then we moved to Redeem and continued the trend. We never missed crossover services in particular.
We always had to go to church to cross over into the New Year and have the pastors pray over water and oil to rub on our heads. My parents would always remind us that God doesn’t like this and that, you’re supposed to do this as a child, and this is a sin.
And how did you feel about all that?
It felt normal, actually. I mean, I didn’t know any other way. And it wasn’t in my face that we were religious or my parents were restrictive. I enjoyed some things about my childhood. Like, on Saturdays, my dad would take us to the tennis club. On Sundays, we would go to restaurants.
We went to Apapa Amusement Park a lot because my dad worked in Apapa. We also visited my extended families, and I enjoyed seeing my cousins and gisting with them. Every December 25, my parents threw Christmas parties, inviting our extended family, and my cousins would stay over for a week or two. I enjoyed that a lot.
So I’m curious. How did you go from this everyday Nigerian daughter to having the strong beliefs you have now?
It started with feminism. When I was 17, and in secondary school, I read Chimamanda’s book, We Should All Be Feminists. I liked her definition of feminism and understood why ‘We Should All Be Feminists’. Growing up, I remember feeling cheated when I heard men say you’re supposed to do this and that.
I think every woman has some gender rules they’re uncomfortable with, but they’ve just gotten used to them. They’d say things like, “What can I do? It’s a woman’s place.” Early on, I decided I wouldn’t accept it. Feminism formed my understanding of the LGBTQ community and also led me to atheism.
In university, I studied sociology and learnt that society shapes who we are. The kind of family we come from, the environment we grew up in, the religion we were born into and the type of school we went to, all shape us. People aren’t a certain way because they were born like that; society shapes them. People are different because of how they grew up and the values they picked up as children and adults.
If that’s true, why didn’t you remain conservative as your family shaped you to be?
Family is the primary agent of socialisation, but my family sent me to boarding school.
I learnt a lot through books I read in the hostel and when my parents locked me up at home. We Should All Be Feminists was probably the first non-children’s book I read. Then A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum, and another Chimamanda book, The Thing Around Your Neck, which spoke about how the British colonised us through religion. It’s one of the vital moments I’ve had when I started asking questions about religion. Why didn’t God help black people when they were mistreated?
Then, I started Googling things. I found out the Bible contained more chapters, and the King James Version was shortened by an actual King James; a British King. I learnt that Christianity was infused with politics; the church was the state, so they made religious decisions and wrote their version of the Bible to take advantage of people.
That must’ve been a lot to discover so young. How did you process it?
As a sociologist, you ask questions like, is this book objective? And you find out there’s no book in the world that’s objective. The Bible is an account of people, their ways of life and the ideologies of society in those ancient times. When I read the Bible in secondary school, it was like it was against humanity and was meant to subjugate women.
People give their different interpretations of it — “No, it means you should love” — but it’s clear with words like ‘submission’, ‘subjugation’, ‘a woman should not climb the pulpit’, ‘she should not preach’. At that time, I wasn’t even an atheist. I just thought the Bible was ancient, and the people in it were practising the culture of their time. Times have changed, we’re civilised, so we’re not supposed to follow what happened then.
But as I read more and more about how women were not allowed to go to the market during their period because they were considered dirty, and in the New Testament, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John have different accounts of Jesus’ life, I realised the Bible is different people’s biased perspectives. I was about 20 years old when I decided I won’t take directions from it anymore.
Big decision
Yes, but it was strangely an easy one to make knowing the things I knew. I went to the root of Christianity and how it came from older religions, read about the evolution of religion itself and about our own gods. Then I formed a theory that maybe God exists; people just serve him in different ways because we’re from different societies.
When I read how Chinua Achebe and Chimamanda wrote about traditional prayer in the olden days, it’s similar to how Christians pray now. So when I see Nigerian Christians pray, I’m like, “You’re just praying to a foreign God.”
So why did you become an atheist instead of a traditionalist?
Because I realised nobody’s coming to save you.
There were points in my life when I was really down. I was in a toxic relationship, like I mentioned earlier, I was so young, and it was terrible for me. My self-esteem had gone to shit, and I felt very bad about myself.
I prayed and I cried, and nothing happened. Just looking back at my life, secondary school, primary school, I’ve had times when I pray to God for things, and when nothing happened, I’d just say maybe it’s not God’s will. And I realised we keep on making excuses for him.
How did you realise this exactly?
When I was in SS 1, they kidnapped the Chibok girls. I heard the news, fasted and prayed with so much faith because I believed faith could move mountains. I had so much faith that if I fasted as a child, something miraculous would happen, and the girls would be released.
But you know how the story went. Was it that God didn’t want it to happen? Was it not God’s will for the girls to be released? Since I started taking control of my life and decisions, it’s felt better not to hope for miraculous things. There’s nobody out there coming to save or help you.
And now, you no longer believe he exists?
My atheism is still evolving. Sometimes, I think he exists, but I’m just angry at him. Terrible things are happening in the world, and he’s not doing anything. I wonder why. People are getting killed. Girls are getting abducted, raped. Women are being treated anyhow, and good people suffer a lot in the world. In the Bible, they’ll tell you this is the reason. Sometimes, they’ll just tell you to do things without giving any reason, and I just can’t live like that.
These days, I’m also discovering things about the universe, how it’s much bigger than our Milky Way. I think the universe is too big for one person to control. I also don’t believe there’s heaven or hell. I’d rather just be on my own, make my own decisions, live my life the way I want and just be kind to people.
As for feminism, was there a defining moment that made what you read about in books more personal?
My earliest memory of feeling violated as a woman was in secondary school, even though I didn’t think of it deeply at the time or relate it to feminism. I was walking on the road with my friend, and this man tapped me to ask for my number. I said no. He was a much older man, and I think he was drunk. He was drinking pure water, and he just threw it at me.
I was very scared because I couldn’t confront him. I thought he would beat me. Things like that make me very sad. I’ve been groped on the road once before. And you just go to one corner and cry because you can’t do anything about it, especially when you’re young. I was sexualised a lot, growing up.
I’m so sorry
I’ve also seen it happen to others. One time during NYSC, a female flagbearer was marching, and because of the way she moved, a guy just shouted that she’ll know how to do doggy very well. It just gets to me when boys make rude comments about girls and their bodies, especially dismissively.
One other time, we were doing inter-house sports in secondary school, and a boy made a comment about a girl’s body, that her big bum bum was making her float. I don’t understand why people talk about women like that. It feels weird and wrong, and it makes me upset.
Did you talk about it to your mum or someone close?
No. I’m constantly fighting in my house sef because I have a younger brother who has a free pass to do whatever he wants, and I don’t. Growing up, my brother could go out and visit friends. But my sister and I were always locked inside and constantly harrassed with, “Where are you coming from? Where are you going to? Who are you talking to? Bring your phone.”
One time, my dad checked my phone and saw a text from a guy, and he was very angry. We were always monitored, but my brother didn’t go through that kind of vigorous training. Till now, I’ll be working, and they’ll tell me to go to the kitchen, while my brother is sleeping.
Do you push back? What’s your parents’ reaction to that?
They’re always angry, especially my mom, who feels she’s training me to be a woman. I tell them I don’t like it, and I’m not going to change. The only thing I can do is rebel and fight it. My dad, at one point, said my brother is not supposed to wash plates because he has sisters. I told him, “No, it’s not possible. He’s eating, so he has to wash it.” Sometimes, I’m sad because I’m tired of fighting. I just can’t wait to make money and get my own place, but for now, I’m a struggling youth corper.
And do these fights work to change their mindset at all?
Nope. Sometimes, they’re just tired and they let me be. But of course, their mindsets don’t change at all. My dad is a misogynist, and my mum is a patriarchy princess.
What about your brother?
He’s 20 now and is constantly told the reason he doesn’t have to do certain things is because a woman will do it for him, so he can just rest. And he believes it; he’s enjoying that male privilege. I try to have conversations with him, but his mindset is forming. Sometimes, my dad would say something like, “she’s just talking her feminism talk,” and they’d both laugh at me.
Even my sister who’s 24 isn’t a feminist. She says the double standard is wrong but still says feminism is extreme. I just think she couldn’t be bothered to fight or struggle over the injustice. She’s decided to go with what society dictates because she fears the repercussions and backlash. I’m always ready for the backlash.
How did your interest in the LGBTQ community come in?
It works hand in hand with feminism for me. I’ve always been pretty open-minded, so I’ve always just believed in people’s freedom of choice. I’m pansexual myself.
How did you discover your sexuality?
In 2019, I kissed a woman during a game of truth or dare, and I liked it. I’ve never been in a relationship with one, but I now know it’s something I would consider. The experience made me realise my attraction isn’t limited to gender because I’m still very much attracted to men.
How do your parents feel about your atheism and pansexuality?
My mom is always praying. I’m always fighting with her because I’m not the average Naija babe who’s looking for husband and hoping to be a good wife. I’m very vocal about my beliefs. And they just look at me as this weird Gen Z babe.
My dad keeps advising me that my beliefs are wrong; he takes a chilled approach. I can tell they don’t want to scare me off and lose me to the ‘devil’ for good, but my parents no longer force me to go to church. They’ve gotten used to it.
How has being an atheist, in particular, affected your friendships?
Well, first off, I lost a close friend because of it. She became very Christian at the same time I became an atheist. I’m still trying to get over it, but she’s moved on. Anytime I see her posts with other friends, I get really sad, I feel like crying. Towards the end, we fought a lot, and I would tell her it was because of our differing beliefs, but she’d deny it. I wanted to keep the friendship so bad I even compromised and started following her to church, but in the end, I still lost her.
How did you two form such strong differing beliefs despite being so close?
It was during the COVID-19 lockdown. It was a very mentally stressful time for everybody. So while I was reading books, she was getting closer to God.
Do you have friends who share your atheist views?
I have one friend who does. And he even helped me strengthen my atheism. Before, I just had these thoughts in my head, but I was surrounded by Christians so I couldn’t really express it because no one could relate. He could relate, and we had so many conversations in which we exchanged ideas. I asked him questions and we would Google stuff together.
You know when you’re in the closet and you meet other people who’ve come out of it? My other friends say he changed me, but I had these thoughts way before I met him. He was also the close friend I had a situationship with and ended up catching feelings. Now, we’re just friends.
Does it get lonely having fewer friends and not being close to your family because of your beliefs?
Yes, actually. Sometimes, it does. I haven’t seen my friends in a long time, and my closest friend doesn’t care about me anymore. But I don’t think I’m lonely because I’m an atheist or feminist. I think it’s because I’m terrible at socialising.
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Breakfast only comes to those who catch feelings, so we’re here to tell you why you should hate on love at all costs.
Stay guiding.
Love will make you ignore red flags
You start catching feelings for someone, and suddenly, huge red flags like how they like eating semo won’t matter to you anymore. We’ll warn you but we know you won’t listen. So whatever you see, just take it like that.
Love will eat your money
In the words of the ever-wise lyricist and philosopher Portable, “Make money before you love.”
He didn’t lie, because debit alerts just start chasing you left, right, front and back, once you catch feelings. This is how you’ll look by the third month of choosing love:
You’ll become a mumu
We can make the argument that you only caught feelings in the first place because you’re a mumu. But brace yourself. It’ll only get worse. One day, you’ll wake up and be confused as to why you’re sending them PDF-length texts at 10 p.m. on a Monday night when you should be recovering from capitalism.
Your things will know no safety
Shirts, shorts, sweaters, skin care products, jewellery — nothing, no one is safe. They’ll steal everything.
You have to kiss your personal space goodbye
There’s no “person” in relationship. Only relationship. Your personal space is now their personal space.
Imagine the kind of fights you used to have when you were in primary two, but then pick the pettiest of those. Yes, you get the idea now. Imagine fighting over why someone replied to a message late or liked someone else’s picture on Instagram. This is 2022 please, there are bigger issues. Love should stay in one place.
You’ll worry about them every time
You haven’t eaten yourself but you’ll still be asking ridiculous questions like, “Have you eaten? Are you awake? Are you asleep?” Focus on yourself, please. Charity begins at home.
You have to indulge their interests
Imagine watching football with your partner because you want to console them after Manchester United loses, even though you don’t give a shit about football. Or listening to them rant about a K-drama show when you’ll rather be sleeping, even though this is the tenth movie with the same storyline.
You’ll marry them and (probably) have kids
So you mean the reward for all these fights and stress is to have a bunch of tiny humans who won’t stop fighting themselves and causing you more stress? Get out of here, please.
Many things can go wrong on a first date: the waiter can turn out to be your ex who then “mistakenly” pours gbegiri on your shoe, or the beans you ate for breakfast decides to show itself. But unless you want to really test your village people, don’t wear any of these things.
Your work T-shirt
Unless you work with a tech company, in which case, feel free to let everyone know that your pocket is nobody’s mate. Purr.
Sunglasses
Unless the date is directly under the sun, what exactly are you trying to hide? Imagine telling a joke and not knowing if the other person likes it because you can’t read their expression.
Imagine you then run into the owner’s ex and they get triggered at the sight of the jeans that Amaka never returned.
Hoodies
This one is for the guys. If that hoodie is still in your possession at the end of the night, then Nigeria is the new Canada.
Bodycon dresses
Especially if you’ll be eating during the date, ladies. You wouldn’t want to be limited by ordinary cloth. Except you don’t mind looking six months pregnant, in which case, go off and do you, sis.
Oud perfume
Please, just don’t do it. We are tired. Sincerely, everybody.
Your wedding ring
We’re definitely not looking at men from a certain pepper-loving Nigerian tribe.
When you get your heart broken, you’re convinced no pain on Earth can compete with how you feel. Sure, your heart feels like it’s been stabbed every time you take a deep breath, but trust us, there’s worse pain.
Missing your flight
You’d never physically and financially recover from this. Every time you’re broke, you’ll remember you paid money for a flight you could’ve caught if you were just a bit earlier. The pain will be engraved on your mind for as long as you live.
Having hot coffee spilt on you
If it’s a really hot cup of coffee, you might get third-degree burns. Exactly.
You decide to take a stupid walk for your mental health, and midway, you decide to listen to some nice music. That’s when you realise you left your headphones at home. The silence is so loud you feel shame and disgust. The walk ends up making your mental health even worse.
Ripping your dress in public
You’re feeling yourself and showing off your latest dance moves when your enemies decide to strike. Now, not only has whatever you’re wearing ripped, but you also remember you didn’t wear underwear that day.
You’ve had a long day at work and you’re about to settle down to a hot plate of jollof rice with two pieces of meat. But once again, your village people take your joy personally and need to destroy it. How? By awakening your clumsy genes. Now, your jollof rice is all over the floor and your meat has rolled under your sofa, where you last saw your house rats hiding. You’re left hungry, angry and vengeful.
Your phone not charging overnight
On one of the few occasions the national grid hasn’t collapsed, you have light all through the night. You’re ecstatic because you have a long outing tomorrow and you need a full battery. By the time you wake up, your joy is short-lived. You forgot to put on the switch. Your phone? Dead. Power bank? Dead. Source of joy? Dead.
ATM swallowing your card
Life is hard enough, so why is an ATM becoming your biggest opp? And it’s your last 1k you wanted to withdraw. The Devil is working really hard.
Take this quiz and we’ll guess how many of your talking stages have crashed and burned this year.
If your love interest is a hard-core football fan, we’re sure you’ve considered this yourself already — do they actually love you as much as they love football?
Stop wasting time thinking about “what-ifs”, and let these signs tell you for sure.
They forget anniversaries, but not their GOAT’s birthday
Your boo: “I’m sorry I forgot our one-week anniversary.”
Also your boo: “Messi’s birthday is in 312 days!”
They love posting about their favourite club and players
But ask them to post you, and you’ll hear, “Babe, I’m protecting you from the world.”
They wear their club’s jerseys
But will they wear an outfit that has your face on it? Heck no.
They support Arsenal or Manchester United
Do you know the level of love and commitment required to support these clubs? No space in their heart to love you again.
They argue about football
Have you seen where fans argue about football? Does your partner display that same passion with you? You have your answer.
They cry when their team loses
Tell them, “It’s just a game,” and see if they won’t dump you in a heartbeat.
No date nights during Premier League
Just forget about it.
But wait
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Part of being in the streets is flirting with the idea of leaving and finding love, but never really doing it. If you’ve been saying “God when” since God-knows-when, come and catch your sub here.
But the moment you experience any of these nine things, know that your streets days are numbered.
You keep catching the bouquet at wedding parties
This should be your cue that it’s time to bounce. If you don’t leave the streets after catching at least three bouquets, whatever you see, just take it like that.
You cringe at romantic videos
If you ever feel like slapping the people in romantic videos, then maybe it’s because it’s biting your body and you can’t wait for somebody’s son to find you.
Your friends keep tagging you on posts about single people
But you shrug it off because that’s just the cost of keeping your peace of mind.
You keep saying “God when” to every love story you hear
Even when you know fully well that you’re the one doing this to yourself.
You’ve stopped saying “God When” because you know God has blocked you
Even God is tired of hearing your “God when” all the time.
You’re losing your touch, fam. You’ve done your part and it’s time to retire from the streets.
Your talking stages start lasting longer
Have you forgotten the “no commitments” rule? You don dey lose focus. Shey breakfast no dey fear you?
There’s no one left to go to the club with
Most of your folks are getting comfy with their partners but you’re outside with the last two remaining members of your crew, screaming, “We outside!” at 2 a.m.
When you finally take our advice and leave the streets for good
We’re not saying you won’t be back, but at least rest a little.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Chioma* and Blessing* have been friends for seven years. They met in university and remained by each other’s side long after. However, in 2020, Blessing became obsessed with leaving the country, and she eventually succeeded in 2021. Now, Chioma feels the distance has strained her relationship with her soulmate. Here’s her story:
Chioma: Blessing* and I have been friends for at least seven years. We were roommates in our third year in 2015 and for the first couple of weeks didn’t speak to each other besides the occasional hi or hello. Then one day, after her class, she came to the room and saw me crying because one foolish boy broke my heart. That day, she got lunch for the two of us and listened to me as I shouted different variations of “God will punish this boy”.
She held me, and I used tears and catarrh to stain her shirt, but she never complained. That was such a big act of kindness for me. When I eventually slept, she fetched the water I’d use to have my bath the next day and even gave me painkillers for my headache. From that moment, I knew I’d found someone I’d never leave alone.
We started doing everything together. We’d bathe, cook, study and party together. People joked that anywhere they saw her, they saw me. Some even thought we were a couple because of how close we were.
What was it like after university?
Chioma: After we both graduated in 2017, my dad helped us work out NYSC so we both served in Lagos state. It would’ve been easier to live together, but we wanted to avoid see finish. Plus, we wanted an excuse to miss each other.
That’s when we started our weekly hangout sessions. We’d either do them in person or over the phone, but we made sure to catch up once a week. During these sessions, we’d talk about how we’d eventually buy houses in the same estate so our children can grow up around each other and be best friends too.
Things got even better when after NYSC we both got good-paying jobs and started earning some big girl money. We could really spoil each other, and we did.
How did you spoil each other?
Chioma: Well, there were times she’d randomly send food to my office because I mentioned I’d skipped breakfast and was stuck in meetings. Or she’d drive to my office during her lunch break and demand I take mine to eat.
Then we’d buy each other random gifts because we could — jewellery, shoes, wigs, etc. She’d quote a dress with “I want”, on social media, and I’d buy it for her. I knew her shoe and dress size, and we’d been friends for so long, I could see something and know she’d like it.
She’d gift me spa vouchers, and I’d book her massage appointments. The friendship was great before, but with money? It was even greater. We even went on trips to other African countries together.
Chioma: We told any guy who was remotely interested in either of us that we’re a package deal. You date her, you date me and vice versa. We were stuck at the hip. Maybe it’s because a failed relationship brought us together, but we always tried to never let relationships affect us.
There was a time I had a boyfriend who told me I was spending too much time with her. I broke up with him. Sure, there were other issues, but that was what tipped me over the edge. She’s my soulmate, and I told that to every single guy.
What changed?
Chioma: Nigeria. We’d talked about leaving the country to eventually settle somewhere, but we weren’t in a hurry. We kept sending each other links to jobs and scholarships, but genuinely, our heart was in this country. We didn’t want to go anywhere.
Then October 2020 happened, and we watched people lose their lives protesting for police reform. It broke something in her. She became obsessed with leaving the country. She was learning new courses and collecting certificates like Thanos with his rings. I tried my best to keep up with her but my funds got a bit tied up because my mother fell sick.
In 2021, she informed me she’d gotten a job that offered her residence in Canada. I was happy for her. Ecstatic, even. I knew how much she wanted it, but at the same time, I was scared of what it would mean for our friendship. She assured me we’d find time to keep in touch and continue our weekly catch-up sessions, but I was skeptical.
Were you right?
Chioma: For the first few weeks she was in Canada, she FaceTimed me about everything. The food she was eating, where she was eating it, the people she met, and sometimes, she’d even call me at work and we’d be each other’s background noise.
But when there’s a five-hour difference between you and your favourite person, calls like that become more and more difficult to have. By the time she wakes up in the morning and wants to call me while on her morning run, I’m already stuck in a meeting. When my meeting is done and I’m trying to reach her, she’s on her way to work. She tries to call me while I’m at work but I’m either driving somewhere or stuck in another meeting. When work closes and I try to call her, she has a meeting or is doing focused work.
By the time she eventually closes from work, it’s already night over her, and I’m getting ready to sleep and prepare for my commute to work again.
There was barely any time for us to just sit and talk. We were both so busy, it was unreal.
Chioma: It’s alright. It started to get really bad when the few times we did find a chance to have a conversation, there were so many things she’d say I didn’t understand. I was out of the loop of my best friend’s life and it was devastating.
We couldn’t go to parties together or just hangout. We tried Netflix watch parties and online dates, but they got fewer and fewer because she was spending time with the friends she made there. Or I was hanging out with my other friends in Nigeria.
What’s your relationship like now?
Chioma: Honestly, I don’t know. If you ask me what it is she’s doing, I won’t have an answer for you. We’ve not texted in three days now, and it’s so strange looking at the chat icon, knowing I won’t get a reply anytime soon.
I miss my best friend and the closeness we were able to maintain while we lived in the same state and time zone. It was easier to show up for one another when we could do it physically.
Do you have any plans to leave the country?
Chioma: Yes, I do. I keep trying to find jobs in Canada and some places have gotten back to me. But with the way this country keeps stressing me out, I just might take any country that’s willing to have me. I hate that my best friend and I may never be as close as we once were, and I blame Nigeria a hundred percent.
I miss her so much. I remember when, during one of the few times we spoke, she told me she hadn’t eaten. I cried a bit after because I realised I couldn’t just drop by her office and dump the lunch on her table. I couldn’t surprise her with soups during the weekend, and we couldn’t have our cute friendship dates. I miss her more than anything because I know it’ll never be the same way again. Even if I find a way for us to be in the same state in Canada, we might not be able to make up for the strain in our relationship. I just wish we could go back to the way things were before.
