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  • Your partner’s nice and charming “bestie” probably doesn’t wish you well. In fact, chances are they want you to mess up. If you notice any of these things, just know they’re an opp.

    They actually call your partner “bestie”

    That’s the first red flag. Open your eyes so they don’t take you fi idiat.

    They’re nice to you

    That’s because they’re already plotting how you won’t be there for long. Just watch your back.

    Or they’re not nice to you

    Maybe it’s biting their body that you’re taking up their rightful space, and they’ve had enough. Or they were nice to you before, and you’re now overstaying your welcome. Either way, don’t lose guard.

    They’re always offering your partner food

    They’re basically using every tactic in the book at this point. You need to watch out.

    They’re always giving unnecessary advice about what your partner likes

    If you can’t see they’re secretly plotting your downfall, then we can’t save you. Once they start telling you, “Buy this for him, it’ll make him smile”, sound the alarm.

    They’re always shipping the two of you

    They’re overcompensating for the bad belle they have for your relationship when you’re not there. If they start smiling and shipping you and your partner, frown and ask them what’s funny. Don’t let them fool you.

    They stay up to wish your partner “Happy birthday” before you

    If you call your partner by 12:00 a.m., and they’re already on another call, hold their bestie responsible. They’re obviously at war with you.

    They have inside jokes

    Once they start giggling with each other about stuff that happened way before you met your partner, you’re the third wheel.

    NEXT READ: All The Things That Happen When Your Bestie Gets A Boyfriend

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Tobi* (27) and Dami* (36) dated for three years and have been married for one. They talk about how the age gap doesn’t affect them, deciding their marriage is a forever arrangement and placing Jesus at the centre of it.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Tobi: Is it weird that I can’t pinpoint a moment? I just know I became active in my campus fellowship sometime in 2014. I was in 300 level, and Dami was one of the senior friends of the fellowship who’d visit my campus to train us. In fact, he was a popular jingo; everyone knew him. I’m a quiet person, and I tend to avoid people who’re all over the place. I made a somewhat deliberate effort not to be part of those who wanted to be close to him.

    Dami: LOL. Hard girl. Mine was around 2016. Tobi had taken up a senior executive role in the fellowship, and we needed to work together for a conference. Omo, this madam wrote a planning outline, and I was like, “This girl is very smart”. She still doesn’t understand why it was a big deal, but I’ve never seen anyone write something so perfectly.

    Screaming in “efiko love”. What happened after that?

    Tobi: We started talking, majorly about fellowship matters, but he soon became my friend. I realised he was just social in our fellowship circle. He has his quiet moments.

    Dami: We were just friends for about two years. When I say this babe is smart, she really is. One time, I was helping her read for a test, and she gave me her notes to confirm her correct answers. She basically read out everything in the note, verbatim. When I didn’t ask a question correctly, she’d correct me and even tell me what the next line should be.

    Mad o. When did you realise you loved each other?

    Dami: Early 2018, I realised I wasn’t just fond of her; I actually saw myself doing life with her. And as Christians, I had no intention of asking her out to “see how it goes”. I had to be sure. So I prayed and felt strongly in my heart to go ahead, so I officially asked her in December 2018.

    Tobi: I was somehow expecting it because God already laid it on my heart. — I’m not sure how to explain this, but if you have a relationship with God, you know when he’s speaking with you. I didn’t hear a loud voice say, “He’s the one” o. I just knew God was leading me in his direction. So, I said yes. 

    I’m not sure I stopped to consider that he was about nine years older than me. I knew about the age gap when we were still friends, but I didn’t remember it till we started dating. It just randomly occurred to me one day like, “This guy is a senior man o”. 

    Wait. Nine years?

    Tobi: I used to jokingly call him “old man”, but honestly, the age gap is just that — a gap. It’s even from Twitter I realised being with much older guys can be somewhat problematic, with all the stories about them being controlling. He’s just a regular guy. Nine-year age gap or not, I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I sometimes have to explain memes to him, though.

    Dami: Ah. See finish.

    What about you, Dami? Does the age gap affect your relationship?

    Dami: It doesn’t. She’s very mature. She even acts like a mum, always looking out for me, making sure I don’t forget things — which I do, a lot. She’s been a great support, even before we got married. I also can’t imagine being married to anyone but her.

    About marriage. How did it happen?

    Tobi: We knew we’d eventually get married, but I definitely wasn’t expecting him to do a full-on proposal with all the works. He proposed at my family house in front of our family and friends on Valentine’s Day, 2021. I wanted to enter the ground.

    Dami: She was even running away. But she eventually settled down and came back to say yes. 

    Tobi: It’s your fault for doing the most public proposal ever. We got married in August of the same year.

    How’s married life?

    Dami: I love it! I’ve just about “my wife’d” everyone around me to death, but I can’t help it. Have you seen my wife?

    Tobi: LMAO. Stop. 

    It’s been great. I’d say we complement each other. He loves public displays of affection, which I protest but secretly love too. He’s happy to share in household chores. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who loves going to the market as he does. I don’t think I even know the current price of palm oil.

    Dami: Let’s not forget the maths thing.

    Tobi: Lol. Yes. He’s great with mathematics — he used to organise tutorials — and I’m just grateful our future children won’t have to be begging our neighbours to teach them quantitative reasoning. My smartness no reach maths side, abeg.

    Do you guys argue at all?

    Dami: Yes, of course. But we’ve made it a rule never to raise our voices at each other, hang up the phone angrily or walk away.

    Tobi: It can be tricky, especially when you feel wronged, but I’ve learnt two things. One, this is a forever arrangement. If you like, jump up and down in anger for two hours, you still have a lifetime with this person. It’s better to fight with them than to fight them.

    Two, don’t let your anger make you forget yourself. I know Dami appreciates respect, so I can’t say because I’m angry, I start calling him names. Sure, you can apologise after the anger dissipates, but the deed has been done.

    Dami: You see why I carry this madam on my head?

    LMAO. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Dami: 10. We’re a work in progress, but Jesus is the centre of our home. We can only go up from here.
    Tobi: 10 too. He’s my person. It also doesn’t hurt that he knows just when to buy me shawarma and ice cream.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

    NEXT READ: Love Life: We Bonded Over Our Love for Music

  • We know all those failed talking stages pained you, but it’s time to laugh about it. We rise by forgetting about people, or how does that quote go? 

    The “smile through the pain” meme 

    For every time your friends told you about their love life and had the audacity to ask about yours when they knew it didn’t exist. 

    The “it’s giving delusional” meme

    Nobody is saying you’re not sweet looking oh, but is it sweetness that’ll hold you at night? Anything to make you feel better after 100 failed talking stages, I guess. 

    The “I love myself” meme

    You know what? I get it. I, too, would become the love of my life if everyone else refused to love me. Choose you. We dey your back. 

    The “settling for less” meme

    The problem is you think you’re the “more” men deserve, and that’s why all your talking stages fail. Try wickedness and see what changes. 

    The “you have mind oh” meme

    This meme is for when the person you were in a talking stage with woke up one morning to text, “I don’t think this is working”. The nerve, the audacity, the mind. 

    The “I give up” meme

    This is when your friends pitied you and tried to hook you up with someone they knew. But you’re the one they bring all their relationship issues to, so you don’t think they have good taste. 

    The “it’s brutal out here” meme

    You actually thought the talking stage was going well and started considering asking them out, only for them to post, “Happy one month, baby”. But that’s not your picture or name, and you’ve only known them for two weeks. 

    The “please, leave me alone” meme

    When the one you ended up becoming good friends with comes weekly to be like, “Wow! We almost ended you together”, you choke back tears and fake laugh. 

    The “at least, I wasn’t cheated on” meme

    When you and all your other single friends sat together in perpetual sadness to say shit like, “At least, no one cheated on me”, but in reality, you wished you loved someone enough for it to hurt you if they cheated. 

    Looking to spice up your Instagram feed? Follow Zikoko Memes 😏

    The “how many more ghostings can I take?” meme

    When you opened your message app for the tenth time that day, and your love interest still hadn’t texted back in a week. 

    The “don’t test me” meme

    At a point in the year, one talking stage seemed to be going somewhere. You even considered buying a matching nightwear set in advance only for them to post, “I think I need to take time to heal my inner child”. Okay, let’s heal it together. 

    The “maybe I should date the dating app” meme

    You don’t know how many “what’s your favourite colour and love language” questions you’ve answered this year. At a point, you started thinking, “If that one white woman can date a train, I can date the dating app”. 

    The “I live for chaos” meme

    If anyone had as many talking stages as you’ve had, they’d live long enough to become the villain. Not only are you still single, but you’re also picky. Any small thing, you’ve blocked the person or ghosted. We can’t even blame you, pele. 

    The “I was minding my business” meme

    You’ll be on your own, and some happy person will post something like, “Did somebody wish you good morning or give your forehead kisses, or should I mind my business?” They should’ve minded their business before posting it. At least, single people don’t have to share their food.

    The “don’t try me“ meme

    When you see someone tweet, “If you’ve slept with many people, your soul is now connected to them”. All those soul ties, and none of them would date you?

    Get you Z! Fest 2022 Tickets HERE

  • Every time I hear wedding vows, the line, “I can’t believe I’m marrying my best friend”, is always somewhere in there. I find it hard to believe everybody’s best friends with their partner. I’m not sure you people know what being BFFs with your significant other means. So I’ve decided to show you it’s most likely not true. 

    You don’t gist with each other

    Gisting is different from talking. Gisting involves banter, gossip and a lot of laughing. If your partner never has hot gist for you, or they’re not the first person you run to when something interesting happens, then they’re not your best friend. It’s even worse when you’re giving them gist, and they’re not giving the proper reaction. Instead, they’re quiet or just saying “mmmh”, or “really?”

    You don’t have inside jokes 

    You and your partner should be able to look at each other, know you’re both thinking the same thing and laugh like two idiots. If you’re best friends, you’d have codes people don’t understand and jokes only two of you can relate to. In fact, if, to some extent, you both don’t have the same sense of humour, that’s a sign you’re not BFFs. 

    You don’t have fun together 

    Both of you don’t play like children high on sugar or watch funny shit together and laugh for hours. You don’t play games or do fun activities like painting each other’s faces and going out like that.  

    They don’t send you memes

    Or funny TikToks, tweets and Instagram reels. Whenever I see a foolish thing on my TL, the first person I send it to is my best friend because we’d both make a year’s worth of jokes about it. If you send your partner things, and they give you one bland reaction, forget it. 

    ALSO READ: What Makes Your Partner More Important Than Your Best Friend?

    You guys don’t like the same things 

    They don’t have to like your favourite artist. You don’t have to support the same sports team, but best friends have at least a few things they like doing or talking about together. I have a friend who watches Yoruba movies with his girlfriend; that’s true best friendship right there. 

    They don’t know how to cuddle without fornicating

    Any minor touching turns into sex. I like sexual attraction, but I believe it should be possible to be in the same room as your partner, and you’ll both do other things besides entering each other’s bodies. Play board games or something, for God’s sake. Not everytime sex. 

    They don’t allow you to steal their clothes in peace 

    You steal their clothes, and they get seriously upset. Is that one friendship? It’s not even a romantic relationship sef. It’s just wickedness. 

    They don’t drag you

    Best friends drag each other like small gen every five minutes. They’re not worried the other person will get upset because they know the limit. If you can’t tell your partner that with the kind of big head they have, they still don’t have sense, then you’re definitely not best friends. 

    ALSO READ: Is It Love If You Don’t Talk to Your Partner Every Day?

    You keep things away from each other 

    Best friends tell each other everything. EVERYTHING. 

    You’re not comfortable around each other 

    If you’re worried about eating indomie from the pot while naked because of what your partner would think, then they’re not your best friend. Being best friends means they can show you their hairy butts and soup-stained shirts. It means they can say and do things without the fear of embarrassment. Answer this question: have you farted in front of your partner yet?

    They don’t support you 

    I’m not just talking career support here. I mean supporting you when other people drag you or when you’re saying nonsense (only if it’s jokes sha). Best friends take each other’s side and have each other’s backs. 

    They don’t gas you up

    As your best friend, they’re supposed to be in the comment section anywhere your picture is posted, gassing you up in all ways and manners. They’ll leave at least five comments under the picture. 

    You don’t spend that much time together

    You’re not doing long distance, yet you guys only see each other once in two weeks; that’s not best friendship. They should always want to spend time with you because you both have a great time together. This includes phone calls and texting too. As your BFF, they’d want to talk to you any chance they get. 

    You don’t know what they like 

    If they don’t know you like Double Chickwizz, or that your comfort show is Papa Ajasco, they’re definitely not your best friend. Best friends know everything about each other.

    ALSO READ: 9 Things You Should Never Share With Your Partner, No Matter What

    Maybe your real best friend is at Z! Fest

    Get your Z! Fest 2022 Tickets

  • We’re tired of hearing relationships are coming to an end because of ordinary arguments. If one of you didn’t harm or kill someone, then every fight is solvable with these guaranteed tips. 

    Don’t let us hear you fought or broke up again o.

    Break into singing and dancing

    Women love singing and dancing. Do you think Bollywood people don’t know what they’re doing? When she’s shouting at the top of her voice about how you slept with her sister, just start singing and dancing. If I hear she doesn’t forgive you straight!

    Tickle her

    Tell me one person who doesn’t like laughing. One person. No? Exactly. So your Nigerian girlfriend is no different. Laughter is kuku the best medicine. 

    Bring up her weight

    The best time to bring up the fact that your babe has added a few kilograms is right in the middle of an argument. Just say, “No wonder you’re now fat”. It’ll take her mind off the fight, and she’ll appreciate you telling her about her body, which is absolutely your business. 

    Kiss her mid-shout

    Romance is not dead. It never was, and it never will be. The reason you were cheating is because you were spreading love. Spread the love to her too. 

    Serve your food in front of her

    As she’s talking, just walk to the kitchen to serve yourself. If she’s still talking when you’re done, start eating. If she’s still talking when you’ve finished eating, go to bed. By the time you wake up, in this world or the next, the argument should be over. 

    Compare her to her friends

    When she says something you don’t like, say something like, “At least, Stephanie doesn’t treat me like this”. The closer the friend is to her, the more effective this will be. It’ll help her reflect on the decisions she’s made and act better. 

    Cry

    In a world where men are not emotionally vulnerable, emotional vulnerability will help you win loads and loads of arguments. Just try it out, and see the wonders your tears can do. It doesn’t matter that you’re drinking too much and being unavailable. Cry your way out of accepting responsibility. 

    Dear Nigerian Women, Let’s Talk About Your Flirting Skills

    Call your mother

    Honestly, poverty is in the land, and nobody has money — or time — to visit any bloody therapists. Invite the elderly and wise, AKA Mummy Femi, to solve the issue.

    Do a fake break-up

    Break up with her. She’ll most likely cry and beg, and when you tell her you were joking, there’ll be no more argument. If she accepts the breakup, you dodged a bullet. You can’t lose, really. 

    Randomly start recording

    Whip out your phone, put the camera in her face and record everything she says while screaming, “I have this on record!” She will comport herself. 

    Tell her she’s overreacting

    This is the most effective way to win arguments with your Nigerian girlfriend. Say stuff like, “You’re shouting”, “Calm down”, “It’s not that deep” or “Is it not ordinary period? That’s why you’re behaving like this.”

    8 Things You Should Never Say To A Nigerian Woman On Her Period

  • If you’re thinking, “Why would I even want to trigger my parents?” Congratulations, you’re the perfect Nigerian child.

    On the other hand, you don’t even need to do anything specific to trigger them. If you’ve grown to this old age with typical Nigerian parents, you’ve probably already triggered the hell out of them at some point.

    As a Nigerian, here are the most common ways to trigger your parents.

    Just be yourself

    Imagine being yourself when Daddy Divine’s third child graduated from Stanford and got married the same day. Strive to be better.

    Try to correct your parents

    Why would you tell your typical Nigerian mother that it’s WhatsApp, not Wazzup? Smells like disrespect.

    Become smart

    Oh, so you now know how to argue in Queens English? You’ve grown wings abi? Child of perdition! 

    Say you don’t believe in marriage or children

    This one may or may not sentence you to a lifetime of family meetings, guilt trips and extensive prayer sessions.

    Allow them access to your social media

    Anything your eyes see, take it like that.

    Become a content creator

    So you really want to use your life to dance in front of a camera?

    Have a healthy attitude to rest

    Because only lazy people wake up after 4 a.m.

    Press phone

    It doesn’t matter if you’re using it for work. Why does your own work have to be done on phone? Shebi you should have just studied medicine.

    Eat well

    You too, why do you want to finish all the food in the house?

    Don’t eat well

    Are you trying to fall sick and have them give their money to doctors? 

    NEXT READ: Korean Parents Are Nigerian Parents in Disguise. Here’s Why

  • We already know love is a scam and breakfast is flying ear and dear, but if you have coconut head and still went to enter relationship, these tests will prove your lover isn’t cheating. 

    You’ve been noticing a change in your partner’s behaviour lately

    You’ve asked many times, but they just say it’s nothing and they’re just tired. 

    My dia, they’re cheating! 

    We know we’re right, but if you’re still in doubt?

    Check their phone 

    If you’re scared of checking your partner’s phone, then you probably already know the truth. Just open their WhatsApp and search for the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, and read through all the conversations you’ve been mentioned. You’ll either find them singing your praises or straight-up denying you. 

    Check their best friend’s phone

    Finding nothing incriminating in your lover’s phone doesn’t exonerate them. It could just mean they’re careful and don’t leave any evidence of their cheating. Go on to their bestie’s phone. If there’s anyone who knows the secrets, it’ll be them. 

    Post a picture of you and your lover online and tag them

    Why waste time doing any investigation when Nigerians can do it for you. Post a cute picture of you guys with a caption about how there’s no one like them in the whole wide world. Make sure this post is on Twitter, and wait for the bad belles. If they’re cheating, someone will expose them with receipts.  

    Ask for their bank statement 

    If they’re cheating, there’s going to be a money trail. Check their expenses against the information they gave you. They said they were working late last Wednesday, but you’re seeing a debit of ₦25k on the Island at 10 p.m ?  

    Tell them you want a break

    They’ll either be relieved because they can now cheat in peace and blame it on the break. Or they’ll act upset because they think you want to go and cheat too. 

    Surprise them at their office 

    Maybe they’re not lying about spending all their time at work. But it could be because they’re having an affair with their office husband or wife. Show up unannounced and shock them.

    Ask them to try a different barber 

    If a man agrees to cheat on his barber, he’s definitely cheating on you. And yes, same applies to your girlfriend trying a different salon. 

    Accuse them of cheating 

    If they get angry, they’re 100% cheating. If they start laughing and make jokes about it? They’re not just cheating; they’re planning their marriage behind your back. 

    Ask them to swear 

    Simple and effective. Ask your partner to swear on their football team, expensive weave or new iPhone, and watch them crumble in defeat. 

    Send them tweets about cheating partners

    They say a clear conscience fears no accusation, right? Start forwarding all the gists you see about cheating partners to them to get their take. 

    You’ll need this next: The Zikoko Guide To Staying With A Cheating Man 

  • Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

    Photo by Christina Morillo

    This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 43-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about finding peace after her mother’s death, living with two bipolar brothers and escaping toxicity through classic books and films.

    What makes you happy right now?

    My published books, blogs and fan fiction. I haven’t made much money from them, but getting readers’ feedback makes me feel better about my self-worth. My mum died a week before my 40th birthday and my mind closed off. I couldn’t function. It wasn’t just the shock of her death, I also felt she died disappointed in me. I’m her only child who didn’t give her grandchildren or get married. A lot was left unsaid between us.

    Like what?

    She wasn’t always fair to me. Islam teaches us to accept the will of Allah, but I wish I focused more on her counsel than worrying about criticism from her. My brother’s wife told me something that gave me some closure. She said they often discussed me when I was at work and my mother would say she was proud of me. I wish she’d said things like that to me. I miss her very much, and I still feel sad when I think of her.

    I’m sorry. How do you feel about not being married now?

    Well, I never imagined I’d be single at 40, but I don’t mind it at all. I don’t want to be under a man who will tell me what to do or I’d need permission from. As a single woman, I’m not pressured to meet a husband’s expectations. I’m my own person.

    What gives you this impression about marriage?

    I’ve personally not experienced many healthy ones. My brother and his family live with me, and he has bipolar disorder. He’s on medication, but he’s not easy to live with. I sympathise with his wife but get angry and frustrated during his episodes. I always have to remind myself he’s mentally ill, yet sometimes, I feel he uses it to justify his general selfishness and superiority over his wife especially. Most times, I avoid him so his antics won’t get me down, but she can’t.

    How do you manage your own mental health?

    I focus on my hobbies. I read and watch classics, and write mostly to tune out the negativity. Sometimes, I just go out. I considered therapy but decided not to because I’m terrified of the possibility of needing meds.

    RELATED: 6 Young Nigerians Talk About Mental Health Medication

    Why?

    I had panic attacks up until about 2010 because of my teaching job. I hid the attacks from my mum, who was already dealing with my younger brothers. Both of them are bipolar; I couldn’t add my issues. It was a horrible feeling, and I’m still prone to anxiety now and then. I don’t want a psychiatrist to detect it and say I should take meds. Then I’ll be unable to function without them. I want to be in control of my life without meds.

    Fair enough. What was it like growing up with two bipolar brothers?

    Their condition was undetected until they were both in university. But it’s not been easy. I never know when they might have an episode. The younger one takes his meds but won’t stop taking caffeine. He’s more bearable than the older one, but sometimes, he’s unreasonable. I resent the older one more because he’s done many things I can’t forgive him for. I generally try to avoid them.

    Tell me about the hobbies that help you tune out negativity

    I’ve loved classic books and films since I was a child. I have my late father to thank for that. He was a voracious reader who wanted his children to improve their vocabulary. He’d buy us books on our birthdays and let us read from his collection. Reading and writing fill me with fond memories of him.

    That must be nice

    He was still a strict father, though. Because of his temper and how he was set in his ways, I was afraid to cross him.

    Where did your love for classic films come in?

    As a child, NTA 5 aired BBC adaptations of classics like “Jane Eyre” (my favourite book), “Little Women” (my second favourite) and “Oliver Twist”. It made me love the classics even more. I also grew up watching great films like “The Sound of Music”, “The Thief of Baghdad” and “My Fair Lady”. 

    After reading about the history of motion pictures in an encyclopaedia in JSS 2, I wanted to watch all the films mentioned in it. Over the years, I’ve been able to. I especially enjoyed the film noirs. I love the feeling of entering another era, and it’s been helpful now when I need to escape. Today’s films, most of which are remakes of the classics, just don’t compare.

    RELATED: Nollywood Keeps Doing Remakes, So We Ranked Them From Best to Worst

    How did you transition to actually writing your own stuff?

    The more books I read, and films I watched, the more I longed to create my own stories. But I didn’t consider actually writing until I started reading Enid Blyton’s books, my first inspiration to write children’s stories. I was about eight when my father bought one for me, “The Three Wishes, and other stories”. I think I was 15, when I first wrote anything. It was a three-stanza poem about the sea, and I sadly no longer have a copy. My first two books were published by Lantern Books. 

    How did that go?

    It’s not easy to write for kids because you have to learn what they like, how they think, and keep the language simple. I submitted a manuscript of ten children’s stories in 2003. They were published in 2006 as two separate books. I was so happy when the physical copies were placed in my hands. But my third book wasn’t published till late 2018.

    Have you written anything for film?

    My first attempt at a film script was when I was at Federal College of Education (FCE), Osiele, Abeokuta. I showed it to a friend, but while he said it was well-written, he thought it was controversial because it talked about cultism. I haven’t made a second attempt.

    Would you still offer it for adaptation to film one day?

    I pray so. It would the pinnacle of my writing career.

    And your romantic life so far?

    I’ve only been in three brief relationships, and they all happened when I was 19. In fact, I would hardly call them “relationships”. I’m ashamed of the first and third because I thought I was in love. The second, I knew, was real, but I was too immature to handle it well. I haven’t tried again since.

    I really don’t want to talk about it; all three were humiliating mistakes. I’ve forgotten the whole thing and moved on with my life, happily single.

    For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why

    NEXT READ: What She Said: I Need to Write to Be Alive

  • For the sake of your relationship and your mental health, don’t share these things with your partner. Especially number four. 

    Clothes 

    Don’t do it. You’ll never get your clothes back. Ever.

    Address

    They may want to come over all the time. And if you’re like me that likes personal space and alone time, you’ll start crying when they text you that they’re coming over for the fourth time in less than a week week. Just tell them you live in the bush or something. (I don’t have the energy to think of a good lie right now.)

    Your music 

    Make the mistake of sharing your favourite music with your partner, and when they serve you breakfast, you won’t be able to listen to Palazzo by Asake again. The song will come up in the club and you’ll start shedding hot tears. 

    ALSO READ: The Unspoken Relationship Rules Your Partner Must Never Break

    Technology

    Give them your Play Station 5 console, and that’s how they’ll delete all your game progress from the past two years. Speaking from experience, I once gave an ex my laptop, and he returned it to me split into two. Stay guiding.

    Your favourite restaurant or hangout spot

    If they like the place, sorry to you because they’ll open their big mouths and tell other people about it. That’s how your favourite spot will now become crowded. To make it worse, they’ll start going there without you. “I went to Z! Bar after work and the suya wrap slapped differently today.” Enipe?

    TV shows 

    They’ll ruin it for you, I promise. Either they ask many foolish questions during the show, like why Jon snow knows nothing, or they’re rewinding too much because they aren’t paying attention. I hate when they want to fast-forward past the parts they think are boring. 

    ALSO READ: 10 Reasons Why You Should Befriend Your Partner’s Neighbour

    Generational curse 

    If you’re sharing generational or family curse with your lover, it may still come back to you if you end up getting married. So who are you really doing? 

    Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD)

    Are you a wicked person? Why will you share your STD with your partner?

    Passwords 

    You’ll be sleeping on your own jeje, and your significant other will now unlock your phone, looking for what will give them chest pain. Better to avoid the whole thing by keeping your passwords to yourself. 

    ALSO READ: If A Nigerian Woman Shares Any of These Things With You, She’s in Love

  • Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

    Abike* moved from having Kunle* as a random mutual on Twitter to dating him even though he was monogamous and she wasn’t. In this episode of Sunken Ships, she tells us how his attempt to cheat after convincing her to be monogamous made her break up with him and his disrespectful jokes prevented them from remaining friends.  

    Tell me how this ship started

    Abike: We met on Twitter. We’d been following each other for a couple of years before our first DM. Then we occasionally interacted, but nothing serious. 

    Sometime in April 2020, he tweeted that he’d delete his account if nobody texted him. Because of COVID and the lockdown, I was bored, so I texted him. If I could take it back, I would. 

    How did the relationship progress? 

    Abike: We were talking almost if not every day. He was very upfront about wanting a romantic relationship, but that wasn’t something I wanted. For one, I didn’t think I had it in me to get into one with anyone. The idea of committing to one person was stressing me out. We also lived in different states, and I didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship. Plus, we’d just started talking when he brought up dating. I can’t date someone I barely know. 

    But you eventually liked him?

    Abike: A couple of weeks after we started talking, I realised I’d fallen in love with him. He seemed genuine, and I never stood a chance. But he was always “joking” about how I’d leave him for someone else. I’m polyamorous; I’ve always liked multiple people at a time. Still, I didn’t understand why he thought I’d leave him for someone else. How can I leave you when we’re not together? 

    That’s why a month before we started dating, we stopped talking. He said it was because we wanted different things from each other, but I didn’t want to stop talking to him. The next day, he apologised and we got back to talking.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Friends Before We Dated

    All this while not dating? 

    Abike: Yes. We didn’t start dating until May 2021. We were finally in the same state, so I decided to visit him. After hanging out with him, I decided I wanted to try the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing. One day, I told him, “You’re my boyfriend now,” and that’s how it began. 

    Along the line of our talking stage, I’d already blurted out I was in love with him, so it’s not like the feelings weren’t there. It’s just that it was weird. We’d stopped talking four times during the “talking stage”, all for variations of the same problem — he thought I’d leave him for someone else. 

    Did he know you were poly? 

    Abike: He did. Although before we started dating, when I told him I was also in love with someone else, he lied to my friends that he didn’t know I was polyamorous. They, of course, were not buying it because they themselves had told him. 

    But you dated anyways? 

    Abike: Yes, we did. He was a lovely person even before we started dating. To congratulate me when I got my internship in February 2021, he sent me a box with some of my favourite things from a bakeshop.

    Dating him was good when it was good. He’d make me playlists and randomly send me cute emails. One time, he even wrote a story for me just because. He’d set reminders because my memory was terrible, and he was so supportive. He wasn’t all bad I think that’s why I kept making excuses for his bad behaviour. 

    Bad behaviour? 

    Abike: The “jokes” about me leaving him. They were exhausting because I didn’t give him any reason to think I’d abandon him. He wanted me to be monogamous, so I was. One week after we started dating, he even accused me of wanting to cheating on him with one of my male friends. It gets tiring constantly having to defend yourself for a crime you didn’t commit. Whenever he made those accusations, he always talked about how cheating was such an unforgivable offence. Maybe that’s why I was shocked when it turned out he was the one who tried to cheat on me.

    What do you mean “tried to”? 

    Abike: We had two mutual friends. One day in June 2021, one of them called to tell me my boyfriend wanted her to come over and suck his dick. He said a lot of suggestive things to her, and she led him on to see how far he was willing to take it. The answer was very far. He kept trying to convince her she should come over to do it. It was so shocking because why would he even entertain the thought? 

    When I mentioned to him that she’d told me, he called so many times to explain that he only did it because he wasn’t sober. And because I’m a very foolish babe, we got back together a week or two later. I want to blame love, but omo. 

    Since you’re here, it clearly didn’t work out

    Abike: No, it didn’t. We took a break in October of 2021. I usually don’t entertain the idea of a break because it just means a breakup, but I needed one. I’d started a new school, there was work, and I was getting used to my antidepressants. I needed to rest. When he brought up taking a break, I took it. It’s funny how I could never have told him I needed a break because I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him again. 

    A week after the break, he said we should break up, that he didn’t think he could make me happy because he was sick and angry all the time. I wasn’t unhappy, but that’s how we ended things.  

    After the breakup, I started thinking about the first time we broke up. What if my friend had never told me he wanted to have sex with her? Would he have come clean? What if she’d decided to go to his house, would he have slept with her? I couldn’t deal. 

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    That seems so stressful 

    Abike: It was, but I still wanted to be friends with him because I cared. When we tried the friend thing, we stopped talking at least three times for different reasons. In January 2022, we were supposed to hang out, but the night before, he said he was no longer interested because I liked someone else, and I should focus on my new person. 

    When my birthday was approaching in April 2022, he asked me if he could get me a gift, and I refused. That’s when he said, “It’s a birthday gift, not an engagement ring”, trying to play it off as a joke. At that point, our relationship was already weird. Why was he trying to make me the bad guy for refusing a gift from an ex I was in a weird space with? 

    Was that the last time you spoke to him? 

    Abike: The third time we stopped being friends was in October 2022. He mentioned something about wishing I was still in love with him, and I lost my shit. He tried to play it off as a joke, but I was annoyed. I was in love with him, he disrespected me. Now, I’m currently in another relationship. Why is he doing anyhow? That’s when I realised I didn’t have any grace left for him. So we stopped being friends. I told him off on the joke and stopped talking to him. Hopefully, this time, it’s for good.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: What’s Friendship Without Trust?