Nigerian babes are always right. Period. If you don’t agree with me, take it up with your neighbours.
But if you ever find yourself in an argument with a Nigerian babe, and she says any of these eight things, here’s what she actually means.
“It’s fine”
No, dear. It’s very not fine. TBH, the only reason she’d say this is so no one suspects her when she eventually unalives you.
“Wow”
She’s simply marvelling at just how dumb you are. Think, “Wow. Na God create this one too?”
“I just think it’s funny how…”
Her next words will definitely NOT be funny. She’s really saying, “How could you even think this was okay, you peasant?”
“Hmm. Okay”
She doesn’t want to waste brain time on your sorry ass anymore. Carry your wahala and go.
“I’m not angry”
Spoiler alert, she’s furious.
“Whatever”
It looks like she might be losing the argument, but a babe never admits to failure. “Whatever” means “Na you sabi”.
“Don’t worry about it”
Please, be worried. She said this so you’d think everything is fine then lay down your guard while she reloads. Again, be worried.
“Is that why you’re shouting?”
You’re not actually shouting. She just wants to dead the issue because it occurred to her that she might be wrong. If she says this, just apologise and hug her. Don’t make the mistake of telling her you’ve won the argument because it won’t be pretty for you.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “God only gives you time and place. The rest is in your hands”. If you meet your future partner in any of these seven places, just know it’s a sign your relationship will be sweet.
ATM booth
What better place to meet your future partner than at an ATM queue? Falling in love over money is basically good vibes for your love life.
Filling station
This is how you know your partner has the hustling spirit everyone needs to survive. They’ll do all the struggling while you settle into that soft life.
Police station
Your partner will at least try to fight for your right when anything happens in life. Whether or not they’ll be able to get you justice is another issue entirely.
Owambe
You can tell right off the bat that they love enjoyment, and your relationship will be filled with fun. They might still show you pepper, but you’ll sha enjoy.
Airport
You need to start hanging around airports, and be on the lookout for people with blue passports. What’s better than a love that can take you to greener pastures?
The beach
You’ll only find the soft and peaceful type who won’t stress your life.
Someone’s marital home
Who says the love of your life can’t be another person’s partner? Don’t let something as silly as marriage stop you from finding love.
In the spirit of Valentine, we decided to give four foods the chance to write love letters to those they care about. This is Love Letters to Food.
Dear Fried Rice,
We get pitted against each other a lot, so people don’t really know how close we are. You’re the best friend I can’t do without. They see us as two competitors always fighting about who’s superior, but it’s so crazy how people don’t see that all our fighting is just banter. Like when you drag me for dating chicken because no one else can stand my wahala.
Every time I’m down or feeling a bit of self-doubt because one restaurant or caterer didn’t cook me well, you never fail to remind me I’m a bad bitch, that countries all over the world fight about which version of me is the best, and Nigerian households cook me anytime they get the chance. I don’t think I can be in a bad mood for too long when I’m around you because you always know the right thing to say to make me feel better. Even when you’re not physically there, one phone call to you and I’m all good. I couldn’t ask for a better best friend and partner.
You always say all these amazing things about me, but have you met you? You’re sweet, the most exotic type of rice there is, and anybody who disagrees can kiss a burning pot. You’re so full of life — only you has carrots, green peas, spring onions, bell peppers, shrimps and more. That’s why you give people around you life, and that’s why you’re a celebratory meal. You may not be cooked often in Nigerian homes, but that’s because they save you for special occasions. You’re that special.
I’m so glad we’re served together at most events. It has brought us closer than ever because we get to gist and gossip a lot. I love how we notice the same things; all we have to do is look at each other. I always have to hold myself from bursting out in laughter, and that’s what makes events fun for me. Whenever I’m served without you, it’s always boring because there’s no one to gist or make jokes with. All chicken knows how to do is complain that people don’t eat its bone in public. No one understands me like you do.
I can’t imagine what life would be like without you as my best friend. Who’d I complain to when one expensive restaurant adds too much curry to me? Remember the first time you met turkey, and he took you to a bukka for your first date? You thought turkey was one rich protein and that he was going to take you to an exotic fancy restaurant, only for you to end up in a bukka. It was such a hilarious experience.
Thank you for being the best friend any food could ask for, for staying by my side in the good times and bad. I love you, and I look forward to more chaotic times with you.
How do you love a person with intention? Is it through gifts, giving them good experiences or sacrifices? To fully understand how, we asked couples across generations to tell us how they love each other intentionally.
Listen to their needs
To love someone intentionally is to listen to what they need and provide it for them. You love them, but you don’t know them more than they know themselves. Circumstances affect their needs, so you have to constantly ask and listen.
My boyfriend sometimes has moods that make him want to run away from it all. On some days, he wants peace and quiet to deal with his emotions. Other times, he wants me to hover around him and remind him of my existence by constantly checking in on him. Because he might not need the same thing at every point in time, it’s important to listen to him and give him what he thinks works best at that moment.
— Gbemi* (20) and Femi* (21)
Love them how they want to be loved
Sometimes, how you want to love someone and how they want to feel love are completely different. You may like buying your partner extravagant gifts, and they may not be interested in that. Maybe what they’d like is just being in the same space and watching movies together. So if you want to love someone in a way they’ll appreciate, you do what they want.
My wife and I had to learn this. I love to cook, so my way of showing love is by cooking for people. My wife, on the other hand, doesn’t eat a lot. She recognised that my cooking for her was out of love, but it wasn’t what she wanted. She appreciates me sitting with her to watch shows every night much more. That’s why instead of staying in the kitchen for hours for a meal she won’t take more than three bites out of, we watch movies together.
— Anita* (29) and John* (32)
Make sacrifices for them
Love is a constant sacrifice. It doesn’t mean you have to constantly put yourself at a disadvantage to please them, but sometimes, you just do things that may slightly inconvenience you.
My wife and I love suya. We can spend ₦5k on suya in a night. Making sacrifices for the woman I love is sometimes letting her eat more than I do because I know the extra suya will make her happy. It doesn’t have to be big things like donating kidneys. It can be small but impactful sacrifices.
A huge part of love is communication. Communicating with your partner shows you’re willing to put in the energy required to make your relationship work. It shows intention. Don’t assume the other person knows what you want. Talk it out so you can work it out.
My girlfriend and I have this thing where we over-explain to reduce misunderstandings to a minimum. If she says A, she’ll explain why it’s A. If she says B, she’ll explain how B came about. I believe it’s helped us show that how we love each other is a choice.
— Chioma* (24) and Bisi* (23)
Go the extra mile to make them happy
You not only have to be deliberate about their happiness, but you should also go the extra mile to bring about that happiness.
My husband is the breadwinner of the family, so he works a lot. He looks forward to the weekends when he gets to relax and not worry about work for a couple of days. For him, staying at home to sleep is enough to give him immense joy, but because I love him and want him to feel the love, I make some of his favourite meals so he wakes up to breakfast. I don’t have to, but I know it’ll make him happy, so I do it.
— David* (36) and Yinka* (33)
Treat them as an extension of yourself
When you love someone, they become a part of you. Yes, they’re still an individual, but choosing to partner with someone means you’re bringing them into your life and adding them as recurring characters in it. So loving them intentionally means carrying them along in things that concern your life.
I can’t make decisions without my husband because what affects me directly affects him. We’re a team. When I wanted to get a new job that paid a lot more but in a different state, I had to talk to him before I accepted it. When you love someone and want to show it, you make them important in your life.
In this life, it’s you vs the rest of the world. I’m not saying you won’t have friends, but your partner comes first. They’re the one whose face you have to look at before you go to bed and when you wake up in the morning. Loving them intentionally means making a conscious effort to always choose them.
Sometimes, I get home and my wife and sister are arguing. They love each other very much, but the arguments still happen. Beyoncé vs Rihanna, Talokans vs Wakandans, comedies vs dramas, etc. Every day, without fail, I choose my wife’s side. It got to a point my sister stopped bringing me in as a tie breaker because she knew my answer was always “Whatever my wife supports, I support”.
If you really deep it, Nigerian bosses and fathers are very alike. They’re both always right, expect you to know what they’re thinking and make the best decisions, or at least, that’s what they like to believe. The point is, they’re unquestionable.
Since your male boss and your father are basically the same people, there’ll be times when you can’t tell the difference between them. And in these eight scenarios, you can actually call your boss “Daddy”.
When you’re dating them
Whether you call them Daddy or Zaddy, same difference.
During morning devotion
If your workplace still does morning devotions in the 21st century, then it’s not out of place to call your oga “daddy”. He might even expect it. It’s giving, “God, bless our daddy today”.
When they ask you to
If you don’t know that some bosses actually order you to call them “daddy” or “uncle”, then you obviously haven’t heard of local government offices.
When you want to spice up a boring workday
So there’s no fuel to turn on the office generator, and everyone is dying of heat. Cracking jokes to lighten the mood is stale. Use the daddy card and see if everywhere won’t come alive. Even if all they do is stare at you in disbelief, alive is alive.
On payday
You’re an African child who’s been brought up to pay respect to your elders. So, how can you receive salary without telling your boss, “Thank you, Daddy”? Fix up.
When you’re tired of capitalism
Every day, you go, “I’m tired of work”, but you never really do anything to stop it. Call your boss “Daddy” today and see if that problem won’t be solved.
When they’re your actual daddy
Especially if you want to remind your colleagues your father owns the whole establishment. They better start kissing up to you if they like employment.
If it’s their name
If Nigerians can give their children names like Godsbattleaxe, what is “Daddy” that’s too much for them?
You can get into a relationship in numerous way. Some people start from the DMs, some with a situationship; others move from zero to a hundred and catch feelings for their sneaky link.
Today, we’ll teach you fake hard guys how to move from sneaking around to making that relationship official.
Send them funny videos
We can only hope you speak often if you’ve caught feelings for this person. If not, start with a funny video or two. Just make them laugh their way into a relationship with you.
Move into their house small small
A toothbrush here, a comb there, that black shirt you can’t live without, nothing too obvious. Move your things into their house and see if they notice.
Invite yourself out with them
They can’t stay at home 24/7. If they let it slip that they need to be somewhere, pack your bag and shoes and volunteer as tribute. Just do by force gum body. Hopefully, people see you together and do 2+2.
Subtweet them
If they don’t have a social media account, make them open one. Post about them and what they do for you. Just be loud and clear on the internet. Fingers crossed, they see the signs.
Become a member of their social circle
Ask around. You might know someone who knows someone who goes to the same gym as your sneaky link. Start from there and work your way in.
Make them catch feelings
Why confess when they could do the confessing? It’s called strategic positioning. Be yourself and hope to whatever you believe in that your best is what’s best for them. If not, sorry for you and your feelings
Make them soft launch you
This is the final stage. We don’t know how you want to do it, but make them post a picture of you. Maybe the back of your head, or the inside of your elbow. They could even post two sets of cutlery, as long as they make it clear to the people of the world that there’s someone in their life.
If you’ve ever wondered what goes on in a Christian couples group chat, wonder no more. I’m only too happy to share. As the only member of the married geng at Zikoko, this was bound to happen sooner or later.
These are eight things you’ll typically find in these group chats.
Stories, many stories
I don’t know who’s in charge of making up stories about other people’s relationships to use as case studies on these groups, but I have to say, they’re very creative. Of course, the stories are either forwarded or end with “copied”.
Relationship advice
It wouldn’t be a Christian couples group if someone didn’t send unsolicited advice — even confusing ones.
Forwarded videos
In case you didn’t take the time to read the stories and relationship advice, you might as well finish your data on the videos that say the exact same thing.
The occasional shade throwing
How do you acknowledge the sometimes problematic nature of the other gender in a somewhat respectful, church-approved way? You throw shade.
BCs from all walks of life
Did you think it’s only marriage matters they’d talk about there? LOL. And there I was thinking my Nigerian mother sends too many unrelated broadcast messages.
Wedding anniversaries and birthdays
I can’t share screenshots for obvious reasons, but best believe there’s someone celebrating something every other day.
Daily prayers
Because the devil walks around like a roaring lion, and prayer is needed to keep him at bay. And with how Nigeria is going, if there’s any time we need God’s intervention, it’s now.
Sweet gist
I can’t even lie. The group chat is almost always popping with gist and funny Q/A sessions. Because if there’s one thing married people love, it’s gist.
Break-ups are hard, so if you must end your relationship, make sure you do it one of these 11 times.
End of the year
Everyone knows December is the best time to cut people off. Make sure you do it early enough, so they can use Christmas jekuje to get over you.
January
If you couldn’t break up with your partner in December, try January. They’ll be too busy trying to survive the month to hate you, and they’ll not expect any Valentine package from you.
Valentine’s Day
Imagine being dumped on lover’s day? They’ll see the humour in it in the future. And whenever someone asks them what they got on that year’s Valentine, they can say breakfast.
Because no one said you couldn’t break up with them on your own birthday. Make sure you collect your gift before you tell them you’re not doing again sha.
Relationship anniversary
Wait till your anniversary and break up. This way, they won’t associate the break up date with bad memories alone.
House party
We all know Nigerians must play truth or dare at parties. Choose “truth” when it’s your turn, and tell them you’re not doing again.
Because how can you be celebrating independence while you’re living in bondage?
On a Monday
They already don’t like Mondays, so what’s a little heartbreak to go with it? We advise you pick one close to month end, so they’d have money to get comfort food.
April fool’s day
So if they ask you to return all the gifts they’ve given, you can say it was a prank.
On a Sunday
Tell them you saw it in a revelation, simple. They won’t even try to argue with you because what good partner asks you to disobey God?
At a wedding
That way, they can easily find your replacement there.
If you’re serious about joining me on this mission, these are some tried and trusted ways to find your true motherly queen before you’re too old to be a sugar baby.
Make sure you’re good in bed
If you’re still grunting after ten decent thrusts, this career may not be for you. Read this article on how to make a Nigerian girl fall in love with you instead because only women in love can tolerate one-round men.
Sugar mummies are paying you to lay pipe, so you better be the best goddamn pipe layer in your local government area. They’re not like sugar daddies that you’ll rub their head small, and they’ll lose guard.
Find rich friends
You see that guy in the club that does dorime with Azul every Friday? Yes, the one from a wealthy family. It’s time to kiss his bum bum with vim until he becomes your friend. Convince him to invite you into his home, and when no one notices, cut eye for his mother. Sugar mummy secured.
Start hunting on Facebook
Are you still looking for a sugar mummy on Twitter and Instagram? You’re clearly not a serious fellow. Facebook is where the real money is. Transfer all your thirst traps and gym pictures to Facebook and allow Mark Zuckerberg to handle the rest. You’ll be swimming in sugar mummy requests before you know it.
Pray about it
What God cannot do does not exist, and that’s on period. If you’re serious about landing a sugar mummy, you’d get on your knees right now and lift your eyes to the hills because prayer is the master key. Also, try to be active in church because that’s the only place you can find a God-fearing sugar mummy who won’t use you for rituals.
Use juju as backup
Are you using Glo or Etisalat and struggling to send a message to heaven? Don’t worry. Investing in a local babalawo as a backup plan is the way to go. Tie your red wrapper, drop that boiled yam and palm oil at the T-junction, collect your love potion and trap the sugar mummy of your choice in a groundnut bottle. Easy as ABC if you ask me.
Invest in trad and deadly ouds
You can’t keep dressing like an alté rapper with baggy trousers and think you’ll land a premium sugar mummy. These days, they want to be seen with men they can introduce as their assistants or business partners, so do the right thing and invest in trad. Package yourself. Also, cover yourself in the most masculine oud you can find, so your sugar mummy can smell you from a mile away.
Moonlight as a personal trainer or massage therapist
I don’t even have to say much about this one. The more packs you have, the more your chances of being sold on sugar mummy AliExpress.
Stop chasing small girls
You can’t be out here looking for a sugar mummy and chasing that hot babe from Instagram at the same time. My man, whoever said you could have it all clearly lied to you. Please, put all your eggs in the sugar mummy basket and focus.
Attend more funerals and weddings
You won’t find a sugar mummy in the club or South Socials, but best believe you’ll see them at weddings and burials. Anywhere you see two or more canopies, know there’s a high chance you’ll find a sugar mummy there. But make sure you go to events thrown by rich people, so you don’t end up with a sugar mummy who wants to soak garri with you.
Know one or two things about technology
Who’s going to help your sugar mummy update her WhatsApp? These are the important issues. Once you show one or two “mummies” that you know how to upgrade their iPhone ioS, it’ll be hard for them not to welcome you with open arms.
Start a business
Sugar mummy or not, women like men who are passionate about something, or at least pretend to be. Start a barbing salon or start selling bespoke trad, just make sure you have a business registered under your name, so you can look serious. How can your sugar mummy “support your business” if there’s no business in the first place?
So you finally found a way to get your work crush to promote you from colleague to work wife/husband, but like a typical Oliver Twist, you want more.
TBH, I’m not judging. Anyone can catch feelings. Obviously, you have, and now, you want to leave the work-bae zone. Let me help you.
Find them on social media
Many people block their coworkers on social media, so you’ll have to put on your best Fashola Holmes impression. If that fails, find a way to get them to give you their WhatsApp number, then send them memes every day. They’ll fall in love with how funny you are.
Buy them food
Food is the way to everyone’s heart. But don’t buy them food only at work. Invite them out.
Move in close to them
If they’re proving stubborn, get their house address from HR and move in right next to them. Now, you won’t just be in their faces from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. anymore.
Oh. Hi! Didn’t see you there
Make sure they see you everywhere
Since you now know their address, set up billboards with your face on them around the route they take to work daily. Buy them mugs with your face on them too. By the time they see you every day, the feelings will be activated.
Make their significant other disappear
Arrange for their partner to be kidnapped by ungun known men. Then be a shoulder to lean on when they cry to you about it at work. It’s the price to pay for love.
Or make the partner cheat
If you don’t want to go as far as kidnapping, find a way to make your work spouse’s partner cheat then show them the evidence. Of course, you’ll also be there to help them heal and forget the heartbreak.
Carry their picture to the mountain
If you’re religious, then you should know prayer works. Take their picture to a mountain, preferably in the dead of night with only a white wrapper around you. The white colour will catch the attention of the spirits, and they’ll answer you immediately.
Resign from your workplace
Maybe the reason they’ve not promoted you to actual spouse is simply because they don’t want to date their coworker. Resign and that problem is solved.
Or make them lose their job
The point is you won’t be working in the same place anymore. The end justifies the means.
