First of all, the girlies are always right — take it up with your neighbour if you disagree. But every once in a while, we seek advice from others, either because we want to reinforce just how right we are, or we actually want a second opinion.
Every girl is at least one of these ten people when seeking advice.
The one who just wants confirmation
She’s seeking advice, but in reality, she knows what she wants to hear. All she wants is for you to confirm what she already knows — she’s always right.
The O in “opposite”
She has a degree in doing the exact opposite of the advice she just received. Like, girl, why waste both of our times when you know you won’t even try to take the advice?
The last resort
She’ll only reach out for advice when she’s tried everything, and everything has scattered like undone eba on her head. Pro tip: Don’t try to advise this babe because chances are the issue is now unsolvable.
The one who might get you jailed
She’ll only ask for advice on stuff like how to bury a body or plant a tracking device on her boyfriend.
Did you hear about the party we’re hosting for the girlies? Zikoko is bringing all the hot babes to the yard for the hottest babes-only festival. Get your tickets here.
The one who just asks for asking sake
She’s probably asking for advice because everyone has dragged her for never wanting to hear someone else’s opinion. You can tell because she’ll likely stare at you with a faraway look in her eyes as you speak and just nod at intervals. Save your breath; what she wants to do is in her mind already.
She doesn’t have time for nonsense. Give her advice she doesn’t like, and you’ll probably never hear from her again. She’s also really good at throwing subs and ghosting.
The time waster
She comes for advice every two market days, ranting about the same problem every time. You’ve given every piece of advice you can think of, but things never work out as planned. It might be better to just commit her to God’s hands.
The “never mind”
She comes seeking advice, but in the middle of baring out her soul, she slams you with “never mind”. If you check it well, she likely has an ex-friend who spread all her dirty thongs in public when they had issues.
The advice shopper
If she doesn’t ask at least six different people’s opinions on one matter, she won’t rest. Then she’ll get confused about the final decision to take. Why won’t you be confused, Bisi?
What do you think of our website’s new look? It’ll only take a minute to fill this form and let us know.
Remember that human beings are wicked
Remind yourself that the heart of every single gender that exists is wicked. Go to one of those relationship advice pages and read the shege people who’ve caught feelings are seeing. Your eye will clear.
Think about the breakfast that awaits you
If you want to truly stop catching feelings, remember what popular philosopher, Burna Boy, said, “Last last, na everybody go chop breakfast.” The fear of heartbreak will make all feelings disappear.
Travel
The plan is to catch flights, not feelings. What are you doing? My friend, bring out your passport and start travelling the world. By the time you’re sipping a Mai Tai in Cape Point, you’ll forget about the person you’re supposed to be falling for.
Read their messages
Yes, this is an invasion of privacy, but there’s a high chance you’ll see something that’ll give you immediate chest pain that’ll make the feelings disappear. And isn’t that the goal here? Either you find out they’re saying rubbish about you in the group chat, or they’re interested in someone else, it’s better to know before the feelings get too deep.
Tell your friends
Make sure you let them know all the red flags and why you shouldn’t be liking them. Friends are best at convincing us to cancel and block any person causing us stress and pain.
Remind yourself that a bad bitch doesn’t catch feelings
Stand in front of a mirror, beat your chest three times, and say, “I’m a bad bitch, and I don’t do feelings. So I’ll stop having feelings for *insert name*”. Repeat this every day for three days, and you’ll be fine.
Write an epistle
Send the person an epistle telling them how you feel about them. Their one word/sentence reply will annoy the feelings out of you.
Use jazz
For some reason, people use jazz to make other people fall in love with them. Well, your case is different. You can’t be catching feelings in these streets, abeg. Time to find your nearest babalawo.
Just accept it
Why are you trying to stop what’s meant to be? Embrace the feelings happily. If you see shege, it’s okay. It’s part of life.
What do you think of our website’s new look? It’ll only take a minute to fill this form and let us know.
If there’s one thing Nigerians love, it’s sending wishes and greetings for everything. New month? Wishes. New week? Wishes.
We’re not saying sending greetings for a prominent event like Easter is bad, though. We’re just tired of seeing these particular ones.
Anything containing “arose/arosen”
Every Easter, the evil spirit behind typos increases its work rate and suspends everyone’s autocorrect. So for everyone’s safety, let’s just agree to stay away from the verb, “rise”.
“He has paid your debt”
If you decide to use “He” instead of “Jesus”, then my assumption that you’re referring to someone paying off my literal debt is on you. Emewiele has turned us all into money hunters. Don’t play.
“Death could not hold Christ down, so nothing will hold you down”
Please, only send this to people who’ve japa. Because plenty of things are holding us down in this Nigeria. Don’t remind us of our pain on such a joyful day.
Anything that references “Easter eggs”
Shade, did your mummy take you to Sunday school every week for you to grow up and start talking about Easter eggs? Please, keep that western nonsense out of this ethnic household. Also, bunnies are mammals, so the whole thing is definitely sus.
“Have a wonderful celebration”
Maybe it’s just me, but when I hear “celebration”, I immediately think “outside activities”. With which cash, dear?
“Wishing you renewed hope this season”
Renewed hope sounds suspiciously similar to a certain Baba Blue’s campaign slogan. It’s giving PTSD.
Anything that involves billing
Easter is a time for sober reflection, please. And no, it’s not just because there’s no money anywhere.
What do you think of our website’s new look? It’ll only take a minute to fill this form and let us know.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Cynthia: We met in 2015 when I was doing my third master’s in Unilag.
Jide: That caught my attention right off the bat. Why is someone doing three master’s, for God’s sake?
Cynthia: I did two in the UK just because I wanted to extend my stay. But Theresa May struck with her new immigration policy sometime in 2012, when she was Home Secretary. I had to finally return to Naij. To be honest, it was a relief.
Jide: This Nigeria?
Cynthia: Yes o. It was getting tiring to live in a country that didn’t want me. Anyway, I was living off campus around Yaba. And my roommate was his younger sister. We met for the first time when he came to drop off a gas cylinder he had just bought for her.
Jide: But then, we found out we went to the same secondary school.
Cynthia: And the same university in the UK for our first degree.
Jide: She’s obviously been stalking me forever. But strangely, we never met until that day in my sister’s apartment. I was too far ahead of her in school.
Sounds like the universe had decided your fate. When did you realise you liked each other?
Jide: My sister introduced us, and the three of us talked for a bit, until she got tired and left Cynthia and me together in their little sitting room. Like I said, I was amazed she had two master’s already, both in the medical field. Then I found out she was getting an MA in English because she was transitioning into creative writing and loved the same writers I loved.
Cynthia: I sent him a couple of my short stories and one unfinished manuscript—
Jide: Which she still hasn’t finished, by the way—
Cynthia: Shhh. I shared them with him, and he read two of the stories there and then. My stories tend to be esoteric because I like to read speculative and literary fiction, but he got everything I was going for. He even gave me some very sensible pointers to improve the character development. It was refreshing to have someone understand my mind like that with little effort.
Jide: I found out she knew and read Murakami, and it was all over for me. I was gone.
Cynthia: I still don’t like Chimamanda sha.
Jide: Hmm. We’ll forgive you for that one… for now.
And when did it turn to love?
Cynthia: I couldn’t stop thinking about him after he left that night. I tossed and turned in bed for hours, dissecting our hours-long conversation and revelling in it. He was really cute, and I was already imagining a love affair between us, but only within the confines of my imagination as a writer.
I really didn’t think anything serious would happen. I’d had too many experiences of long, drawn-out conversations with guys, mostly over the phone. But the conversations always fizzled out after a day or two; as if the person just ran out of things they were interested in talking to me about and didn’t think it was worth it to explore other angles. Admittedly, none of those people got me as much as he seemed to from the beginning. But I thought this one was too good to be true and would still follow that pattern, last last.
Jide: I was completely hooked. I hadn’t had such a good conversation with someone — about all the things I loved best —in years, possibly forever. People don’t talk enough about how amazing and rare it is to meet people who love enough of the things you love, especially the things you may be too ashamed to mention. On the first evening, I shared a few things with her I would normally never share with a stranger. I may not have put a name to it right away, but I was in love with her from that day.
I got her number from my sister and returned the next day to give her my original Kill Billbox set. She’d mentioned it was her favourite Hollywood movie, and all I could think of was getting home and getting back to give it to her. I dropped it off and went straight to work.
Cynthia: I was so happy. I didn’t even know how to react, but he had to rush off to work. So I was off the hook for the time being.
I’m guessing that’s how y’all started dating?
Jide: We never made it official, and I take responsibility for that. But we started seeing each other every other day. We would be at each other’s, discussing work, school, books and our life ideologies. We’re both very deep thinkers, and we enjoyed sound boarding our ideas off of each other. I run my father’s engineering business, so we’d talk about diversifying the company’s investment portfolio and she’d refer me to all her many IJGB friends running one business or the other.
A month after we met, you were more likely to find her in my house in Surulere than in Yaba, probably playing FIFA for hours on end. The only thing is she never slept over.
Cynthia: I didn’t want the awkward situation where I’d have to explain to a grown man why I didn’t want sex at 27.
Jide: If only she knew I would’ve completely understood. But I know she still wouldn’t have trusted me enough to take that chance at the time. I really didn’t mind her sleeping in her own place every night. I’ve never been a big sex person, and I’m a stickler for everyone respecting each other’s space and boundaries, so it worked for me.
Do you remember what your first major fight was about?
Jide: Yep. She lost the Kill Bill set just two months after.
Cynthia: I kept it on the TV stand in the sitting room of my Yaba apartment, and it just disappeared one day. Till today, I can’t understand what happened to it.
Jide: It was a special edition that’s no longer in circulation. It had miniature collector’s items inside and bonus content. Giving it to her was a huge sacrifice I made only because I thought maybe she would appreciate it more than me, being her “favourite film of all time”.
When she told me she didn’t know where it was, I lost it. I was so crushed I didn’t speak to her for three days. I’m ashamed to say that now. A part of me didn’t like that she just kept it on her TV stand in the first place. I thought she would treasure it in her bedroom or something, like I did.
Cynthia: I wanted to show it off. He was so angry, and I could tell he was hurt. I felt so bad, but I was also angry that he would react so deeply to a material thing.
Jide: I honestly got where you were coming from with that statement, but it made me regret giving it to you more. It made me realise I did value the box set more than you. And I saw it as a symbol of my willingness to sacrifice for you. We were obviously not on the same page about that. So I let it go.
That was just one con out of a thousand pros in your favour. I called her on the fourth day and apologised for keeping away. I wasn’t going to let you go because of that.
Cynthia: Ope o. LOL.
How has this relationship been different from past ones?
Cynthia: From the first month, we were so certain we were in this relationship for the long haul. We never even had to talk about our commitment directly; we just started making big decisions together. Like us not attending jumat anymore, or you starting your real estate business and me querying US literary agencies for representation.
Jide: And finally moving in together after you got your THIRD master’s a year later.
Cynthia: Yes. That. I’ve never had any of that in my previous relationships. Everything with us happens so organically. No one is playing some game or trying to have some upper hand. We genuinely care about each other being happy and comfortable at all times.
Jide: Also, because our relationship was built on the foundation of mutual creative interests, we keep finding new things to love and share with each other. It’s so unique for me because we always always like the same things. So I’m almost never worried whether she’d enjoy something I want to share with her.
Cynthia: Like the time you were so obsessed with trying out recipes. First, you made kitchen “firewood” jollof with foil. Then it was ewa agoyin from scratch. That was lovely. I loved it because I used to dream about making things like bread and milkshakes from scratch in my kitchen, so I could make sure everything is clean and organic.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?
Jide: We’re mostly celibate.
Sorry?
Cynthia: Yes. We only have sex on New Year’s because we try to start each year reviewing whether we want to continue on with our resolutions from the year before. So it’s basically a celibacy review session, a chance for either of us to speak out that, “I’m not doing again. I miss sex.” But so far, we’ve always chosen to stick to celibacy.
This year’s review session was funny; we kept bursting into laughter when we made out. We didn’t even pass second base.
Jide: Why do you look so shocked? We’re both asexual. She doesn’t enjoy sex at all. And I’m indifferent about it. It’s an indulgence I’d been overstimulated with in my 20s, and now, I’m obsessed with the idea of complete purity.
Cynthia: It works perfectly for me because the idea of sex repulses me. In secondary school, I couldn’t understand why people kissed. Why would you want to exchange saliva with an almost stranger? I’m pretty sure my body is missing one or two sex hormones. Because I don’t feel a single pleasant sensation when I do it.
Jide: I feel the pleasant sensation, but not enough to make me miss it when I don’t have it.
Jide: We’d been dating for over three years. We lived together. It was the natural progression of things.
Cynthia: But I said no, which confused him. He pestered me about it for days, and I didn’t know how to explain I didn’t want to have sex with him ever. I’d been scared about it up until that moment, and there it finally was, the point where I had to come clean or run. So one day, I came back from work early, packed all my stuff and moved out to my half-sister’s apartment.
Jide: I came back home and was so scared she had disappeared. She wasn’t picking up her calls either. She basically ghosted me for up to a week. The worst thing was I didn’t know the half-sibling she might have been with — she had at least four half-siblings in Lagos, all from different mothers. Her dad is dead, and her mum lives in another state. I had to work like a detective to track her down, grilling all her friends. I still couldn’t find her o.
Cynthia: I’m very secretive, so I didn’t even tell any of my friends I was leaving his house. It was the long emotional messages he kept sending me on all platforms that eventually got to me. I started feeling wicked for keeping him hanging like that. He sounded so earnest in his voice notes. We met up, and I explained to him how I never wanted to have sex with anyone ever.
Jide: Scratch my original answer to this question. How I knew I’d fallen in love with her is when I knew without a doubt that I’d give up sex to be with her forever. When I told her I accepted her decision, I was already contemplating life without sex and making peace with it mentally. I felt no panic or reservations whatsoever. I only wanted to make sure it wasn’t coming from a place of trauma. When she assured me it wasn’t, I gave in completely.
Cynthia: I was actually traumatised by walking in on my elder brother watching hardcore porn when I was 12. I didn’t want to ever be touched or have my body intruded in that manner, or any way at all. So I decided there and then that I would be a nun. When the nun thing didn’t work out, I chose celibacy.
How have the last five years been?
Cynthia: Our marriage has been an extension of the relationship before it, and it’s as beautiful. There are ups and downs, but we go through everything on the same side. Our beautiful conversations about every single thing make me feel alive. When we hug or cuddle, it’s after we’ve laughed so hard and bonded over books or music or a great new hobby, and I love every moment of that.
Jide: We now have two beautiful children we adopted in 2019 and 2021. We decided it would be cheaper than going the IVF or surrogate route. And we’re passionate about giving the children who already exist a home, rather than taking extreme measures to bring new life into this flawed and difficult world.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Cynthia: 7. Every morning, I choose to love Jide again and again. He’s such a kind and giving soul. But there’s always lots of room for improvement, and I like to keep a very open mind for fresh blessings.
Jide: Hmm. 8. Only because I am always the more generous of the two of us, and I want to stay on brand. Cynthia motivates me to explore new things regularly, and I’m so grateful for that in my life. All we need now is a big dog.
Cynthia: Like a Husky.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
What do you think of our website’s new look? It’ll only take a minute to fill this form and let us know.
When you get over your ex
It’s been years already. How do you expect God to listen to you if you haven’t moved on from the ex that showed you pepper? You’re not ready yet.
When you stop being a couch potato
Leave the house so love can finally find you. Your soulmate is on the streets, not in your kitchen.
When you stop using “am” instead of “I’m”
Learn the difference and stop putting your crush off with watery English. It’s not a good look, you know.
When you stop fighting on social media
You’re always starting arguments and getting dragged on social media. God can’t let you drag any son or daughter of his into that mess, please.
When you stop splitting the bill on dates
You keep asking people out on dates and making them pay for half of it, and you still think the problem is that God isn’t listening to you? You’re the problem, my dear.
When sapa stops being your middle name
You’re broke, and you want to find love. God is doing you a favour by making you wait. Find money first.
When you stop ghosting all the people in your DMs
What if God answered your prayers since, but you’ve just been looking in the wrong places? You need to maximise every opportunity to find love because heaven only helps those who help themselves.
When you start paying attention to your friendzone
You’ve probably met your future spouse, but you’ve kept them in your friendzone because you want to avoid distractions. If we hear “God, when?” from you one more time, we’ll fight you.
What do you think of our website’s new look? It’ll only take a minute to fill this form and let us know.
The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.
Image Source: Freepik (Actual subjects are anonymous)
The first day Stephen* (28) met Barbara* (22) in 2017, he told his friends he had met his wife. Many boxer gifts, shared bank passwords and a breakup later, he’s convinced he made the best decision with her.
Occupation and location
Filmmaker living in Kaduna
Average monthly income
I make anything between ₦300k – ₦500k monthly, depending on the frequency of the jobs.
Relationship expenses
Hotel getaways: ₦48k per month (₦7k – ₦8k per night; ₦4k for food per day, for four nights)
Samsung phone: ₦55k
Birthday painting: ₦25k
Occasional dates: ₦15k – ₦20k
Random cash gifts: ₦10k multiple times a month and on birthdays
Sneakers: ₦5k
iPhone: ₦220k
How did you meet your girlfriend?
In 2017, my friend’s mum had an event for her NGO and needed us to be in charge of videos. On my way to the lodge, which was in the same building as the event, I met this pretty girl wearing a white and black uniform. I asked her what the uniform was for. I had assumed it was a convent, having seen other girls in the same uniform. But she explained it was a culinary school uniform. We exchanged names, and I told her I was there for the event.
When we ran into each other some hours later, we couldn’t really talk because I was trying to shoot the lunch break, but I told my friends I had found my wife.
Pardon?
Before then, I was determined to focus on my career and avoid distractions. But when I met her, I found myself drawn to her and I couldn’t say why.
On the last day of the event, the guys went to the club while I stayed back to work on the videos. I was going over some pictures on my friend’s camera when I saw Barbara in the background of an image he’d taken. I was so excited because I could finally show my friends the girl I had been talking about. I decided to go to the culinary school to look for her. But I got there early in the morning to find the school closed.
Problem
I waited till Monday before I went back and begged my friend to accompany me because I was beginning to feel nervous. We got to the school and tried to ask for her from some girls we saw. The school didn’t allow male visitors, so I lied I was her brother.
Abraham, is that you?
Luckily, she showed up as I was trying to describe her. I had gotten her name wrong from the start.
She gave me her number, and I left. I tried to call her for a week, but she never picked up. She eventually sent an SMS to apologise. I can’t remember the exact content, but seeing “Sorry dear” was enough to have me grinning from ear to ear all day. I asked her for her Facebook handle, and we became friends.
When did the relationship start?
A year later. At least, that’s when it became official. Wed spent the day together, and on the bus home, she reminded me I had still not asked her out. So I asked her to be my girl.
Did anything change after that?
No. It felt like we had been dating already because we were involved in each other’s lives, talked every other day and made out occasionally. The change came when I started to make money.
Before, when she needed money, my only input would be to say we should pray about it. But now, I can meet her needs to an extent.
The first time we met after getting her number, I had just ₦30 with me. She had come to meet me at this restaurant close to the culinary school, where my friends and I went to work. I couldn’t afford a drink, so my friend bought one for her. Two days later, she came again. This time, the producer got drinks for both of us. I told her who had paid on both occasions, and she thanked them accordingly.
When did the money start coming in?
By 2018, I had started getting gigs to shoot music videos for upcoming artists and also covering more events, so I could afford proper dates. Before I got my own place, we used to have these hotel visits. I would go there because I needed light to work, and she’d visit. The rooms were about ₦7k – ₦8k per night, and we spent about ₦4k per day on food. We were there for two days, at least, twice a month.
She doesn’t like to eat out. So if we went out, it’d mostly be for a drink and maybe roasted chicken. We’d spend hours gisting and talking about different people around us. A proper date for us meant we’d drive out to buy the things we needed — wine, goat meat, chicken, plantain, water — and go home to cook and eat. On average, that’d cost ₦15k. I’ve learnt to budget ₦15k – ₦20k for our dates, and whenever we spend under the budget, I’d either gift her what was left or buy foodstuffs, like she always advised.
She’s always thinking of how I should have invested or saved money instead of spending it. I’ve had to repeatedly remind her that she can ask me if she needs anything.
So you have conversations about money?
All the time. She knows everything about my finances. I’m so transparent with her because I don’t see the need to hide anything from someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I help her with negotiations when she has cooking jobs, and I give her money to keep for me — ₦150k here, ₦250k there. My ATM card can even be with her.
So she knows your pin?
We use the same pin.
Are you playing? Do you give her gifts?
I’m not the best at giving gifts, but I randomly buy her sneakers because she loves them. They cost ₦5k because they’re imported from Cotonou. Aside from that, I’d rather just send her money, the occasional ₦10k, up to three times a month or less — depending on how frequently I get jobs.
After this really big job I did in 2022, I gave her ₦220k to get an iPhone 11. She was okay with her Samsung, so it took some persuasion to change it. Thinking about it, I had gotten her the Samsung a10 in 2018, when we started dating. It cost me ₦55k.
How do you celebrate special occasions?
I can’t think of any time we celebrated Valentine’s Day , but our birthdays are usually the same. For mine, she’d come over with drinks while I get the cake. Then she’d cook, and we’d share with my neighbours. She always tries to buy me things. Last year, I was out of town for work, but she still went to my house to share drinks to my neighbours. I returned days later to find a new wallet, perfume, body care set and boxers — she gets me boxers every year, and I love them. Apart from her first birthday, when I gave her a painting that cost ₦25k, I’ve sent her ₦10k on her other birthdays.
I got really lucky with her. I’ve seen girlfriends steal from their boyfriends, but she never takes my money without permission, not even when we broke up.
Sorry?
In 2019, I was practically living in Abuja because I was managing a studio there. But it didn’t feel like long distance because our regular video calls lasted hours. During that time, she started talking to this new male friend I had warned her about. By 2020, when I returned to Kaduna, I found out she’d been going out with him.
How did you find out?
I was with her phone when his message notification came in. So I read their chats and saw that she had sent him pictures she had taken before she came over to my place — nothing explicit, but she had deleted them from her gallery. I waited till she was on her way home before I texted her that I had seen the pictures she sent him, and she called me apologising.
A few weeks later, she came over, and I was using her phone’s hotspot for work when it stopped working. While I was trying to figure out why it had stopped, a text message came in from that same guy. He had sent something that seemed like a breakup message. I was so upset I woke her up and told her to leave in the morning because it was over.
Wow
A month later, I started begging her to come back, but she blocked me.
Screamingg
I fell sick weeks later with tuberculosis. While everyone attributed my mood to the illness, they didn’t know heartbreak was part of it.
Four months after the breakup, I moved back to Abuja. She contacted me early in 2021 to see how I was doing, and we started talking again. Then, we met when I visited Kaduna some weeks later. She explained that last text from the guy was saying she had been distant and he would no longer try to reach out to her because she had stayed away from him as promised. Thinking about it, I had been overwhelmed by emotions, so I didn’t read the text properly.
When is the wedding, please?
Don’t worry. I’ll let you know.
What’s your financial future as a couple?
I want to have at least one major personal project in three years — it’d be good to shoot a documentary that’ll find a home on any of the major streaming platforms. I also want to own a duplex, one of the downstairs rooms would be my studio. My girlfriend wants to own a mini-restaurant — something cosy that provides a homely experience.
Do you have a financial safety net?
No. I need to save myself before I save money. I usually spend my savings on business. For instance, over ₦500k will go into the documentary I’m making later this year.
Getting to know someone through a talking stage is stressful AF. Does getting good morning texts mean he’s ready to roll out wedding invitations? Is having inside jokes mean you’ll both be laughing together till old age? So many questions.
These plenty questions will be a thing of the past when you realise men of nowadays only leave you unsure when they don’t like you. If they do, they go straight to the point with these actions.
He’s always craving food
Everyone knows the road to a man’s heart is directly connected to his stomach. If he trusts you enough to tell you he craves foods like pounded yam or hand-ground pepper stew, he’s in love with you.
This is the go-to question of a man who adores the ground you walk on. Why do they always want you to visit, you ask? I don’t know. I just know it’s love.
He encourages you to do all the chores
It doesn’t matter if you have all the money in the world to outsource chores. He wants you to stay in touch with your traditional side.
He doesn’t want you to earn more
So you don’t get too proud and forget he’s your Lord and saviour, of course.
…But also expects you to have money
Because you’ll still need to bring something to the table. Men don’t marry liabilities.
He’s interested in your prayer life
As a wife, you’ll be in charge of praying for the full-grown man you’re married to, and the entire household. He just wants you to live a fulfilled life. #Goals.
He trains you in school
He sent you ₦5k for handouts and lecture notes one time, and you still have doubts about his feelings? Please, dear.
He asks you to hand-wash his clothes
He asks you to use your hands because he doesn’t think washing machines clean clothes well? Wow. You’ve made it, boo. This is the height of his affection for you.
Even though she’s now 23, Alanna* doesn’t think she’s recovered from getting pregnant in her teens for her six-year-older boyfriend, his denial, and the circumstances surrounding the termination of her pregnancy.
Who would have thought my first relationship would change my life so much?
I was 16 when met Caleb*. I was fresh out of secondary school, attending tutorial lessons to prepare for the Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board (JAMB) exams. He was 24, and we met because his brother was also attending the same lesson.
Caleb was the manager at a fuel station. I remember getting attracted to his tall, well-built stature. He also had this beautiful quiet smile. He noticed me too, and a month after we met, we started our relationship.
Yes, he knew I was 16.
It didn’t take long for him to start hinting about sex. I knew what sex involved, even though my knowledge was limited to what I read in Harlequin romance novels. There was no conversation about sex at home. With an absent dad who left when I was nine, the closest thing to a sex talk my five siblings and I got from my mum was, “No make them laugh me oo”, and “Na only me and God dey look una”.
I didn’t get much from my siblings either. I was the last born, and everyone had their own thing going on. By the time I was 16, most of my siblings had already moved out.
So, when Caleb started talking about sex, it felt like something I had to do. Plus, the reality shouldn’t be that different from what I’d read, right? I was wrong.
It was really different. It was my first time, so it wasn’t great. He also promised to use a condom. But a few minutes into it, he took it off because he wasn’t “feeling it”. At the time, I didn’t know if I was supposed to be offended, so I went with the flow.
I didn’t get my period the following month.
I knew enough from the books I’d read to suspect I was pregnant, and I was so scared. I walked a long distance away from my neighbourhood to buy as many pregnancy test strips as possible; I didn’t want anyone who could recognise me to see it. I did the tests, and every single strip indicated a positive result. Omo, I nearly fainted.
When I called Caleb and told him what happened, he asked me to come see him so he’d take me to get tested. Only for me to get there, and this guy started accusing me of lying so I could get money for an abortion. He kept denying it for almost a month, and all through that time, I was a nervous wreck.
It dawned on me that I was truly alone. But I also knew I didn’t have it in me to be a teenage mum, so I started researching how to terminate the pregnancy. I found several interesting options on Google. One said I could eat a plantain leaf or paw-paw leaf and drink a lot of stout. It also said death was a possibility, so I didn’t even bother trying.
Caleb came back around the second month of my pregnancy. He wanted me to keep it because he planned on marrying me. Men really move mad — this guy literally went from denying me to wanting us to get married. Apparently, he had consulted with some of his friends, and they all agreed I wasn’t lying. I wanted nothing to do with him anymore and I dumped him.
I was still on my abortion quest. I knew I had to do something fast, and I would need money. I started asking some of my friends online for money. No one really turned up until a friend who lived abroad helped me with the money. They didn’t know it was for an abortion, though. I just told them I needed money.
When I got it, I reached out to my best friend from secondary school and told her my predicament. She also helped me make findings, and we found someone who suggested some drugs for us.
I sent the money to my friend, who bought the drugs and brought them to me. It cost ₦5k. She’d already explained the process to me over the phone, and it was honestly hella confusing. I had to take it on an empty stomach with 7up. Why it had to be 7up, I don’t know.
D-day came, and I made sure I was alone before taking the drugs. I started bleeding immediately, and I was somewhat relieved, but the pain was out of this world. The blood was like something out of a horror movie. I couldn’t move, and I honestly thought I would die. The blood flowed all through that day, but it stopped the next morning. I panicked and called my friend because I thought the process had failed, and I dreaded the thought of going through it again. She advised me to watch and observe for a while, and that’s what I did. The bleeding eventually resumed and then didn’t stop for three weeks.
During that time, I became even more introverted than normal. I’d go days without saying a word other than greeting my mum. No one noticed. The bleeding was so bad that I had to change pads every two hours. If I sneezed too hard, it felt like my insides were flowing out. My friend said it was normal, but I was so worried I couldn’t sleep for days. On the outside, I still went about as normal; JAMB lessons and then back to the house, but I was dying inside.
The bleeding eventually stopped after the third week, but I honestly think something went wrong. It shouldn’t have gone on that long. I hope I can have children in the future.
I’m 23 now, but I still have this hatred and lack of trust for men. I have a partner now, and he’s great and all, but he’s just suffering for what he doesn’t know because I feel like I’m in survival mode. I love the fact that he plans for both of us and seems grounded, but he’s still a man, and men can be unpredictable, so he just feels like a financial means to an end.
I don’t know how long I’ll keep feeling like this, but it absolutely sucks.
The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.
Image Source: Freepik
Oge (33) met Ugo (31) on Twitter in 2021. Two years and 30+ love emails later, they’re engaged and planning their future together on a combined income of ₦280k.
Occupation and location
Admin officer living in Lagos
Monthly income
I earn ₦80k.
Monthly and recurring relationship expenses
2022 birthday gifts: ₦20k
2023 birthday gifts: ₦30k
Occasional dates: ₦10 – 15k
Ajo savings: ₦30 – 40k
How did you meet your boyfriend?
We were Twitter mutuals who occasionally interacted on each other’s tweets. He’s a dietician, so one day in March 2021, he made a post about losing weight. I commented asking why he never talked about people trying to gain weight. He asked me to send a DM. I did and after a consultation, he gave me a meal plan.
For free?
He charges ₦15k for that but asked me to pay ₦5k because we were mutuals. I paid ₦3k upfront and planned to pay the ₦2k balance as time went on, but I never did. I also didn’t have time or money to afford the diet. Every time he followed up on my progress, I gave him an excuse for not starting yet.
He reached out to me about once a week for a month. So when I didn’t hear from him for two weeks, I decided to check up on him. He explained that he was busy, and I joked about him needing pampering. He asked if I was willing to take up the job. I said only if he applied via email. And that was the beginning of our cute emails to each other. They were random emails we sent to apologise, resolve arguments and express love.
I was a bit concerned he was almost three years younger than me, but that was easily forgotten as I got to know him. We started dating by the end of June.
How do you feel about the age gap now?
Apart from the bants — I joke that he doesn’t have respect for his elders while he tells me I’m an agbaya — the age gap is insignifcant and we respect each other.. Although, I try to ask occasionally if there are times he felt like I disrespected him because I’m older.
I’ve learnt to be expressive and intentional because of how open and accountable he is. He tells me everything, from how much comes into his account to what his coworkers did at work. It’s how we were able to cope when I was in Ghana.
Ghana keh?
I got a job as an admin officer at my uncle’s construction firm in Ghana just a month after we started dating, and I had to move.
How was life in Ghana?
It was actually pretty good. I was earning GH₵2k (₦160 – 180k depending on the exchange rate at the time of conversion). I lived in my uncle’s house and the company covered most of the transportation cost. I also bought perfumes from Nigeria to sell there.
Why did you come back to Nigeria?
I came to visit in September 2022, but someone I’d worked with previously reached out to me to help her oversee her business because she’d relocated. My uncle’s construction project had ended, so I decided to extend my stay in Lagos. I met my boyfriend’s family the following month.
Formal introduction?
Sort of. He met my mum and dad, and I met his as well. They already knew about me, but when I met them, there was a lot of scrutiny about my age. You know how the typical Nigerian thinks when a woman is past 30, it’s harder for her to conceive and impossible for her to be submissive when she’s older than you. None of those stopped Ugo from proposing in January though.
It was a flop. He knows I hate public proposals, so he was planning a surprise at the beach with about three of my friends. Weeks before the day, his mum called me to ask about the engagement and why we chose the beach.
OMG
I was with him, so he heard the conversation and was livid. The day he actually proposed, it was via email. We had an argument earlier in the day and were barely speaking. I went to bed pretty upset with him, but when I woke up hours later in the night, I saw he’d sent messages to my phone asking me to check my email. We spent the night reading all the emails we’d sent to each other since we met, and the last one was him apologising and if I wanted to marry him, I should reply with a “Yes”. I did.
Do you have conversations about money?
Since 2021, when he was earning ₦80k, till now that he earns ₦200k, he’s been transparent about how much money comes in, goes out, and how much he saves. He knows how much I earn and I save too. We’re both part of an ajo. We save ₦30k each, and I try to save up to ₦40k in some months.
From your ₦80k salary?
It’s hard, but I try to stay within budget. I cook all my meals, and I don’t buy things for myself as often. I stay in my apartment most of the time, so I don’t spend a lot on transport.
How much money goes into the relationship?
We don’t really go out. Except for family events and church programmes, we’ve gone on about two dates at a restaurant under ₦15k. But the picnic date we had at the beach cost well over ₦20k because we bought snacks, drinks and fruits. I usually prefer we cook, watch movies and just gist indoors instead of eating out. Most of the money we spend is on gifts.
How often do you give each other gifts?
For his 30th birthday in January 2022, I got him a bracelet and a watch. I also got him a cake because he said he’d never gotten one. Everything was about ₦20k. I was still in Ghana during Valentine, so he sent a wig and dress through my mum who was coming to see me. He also randomly gets me bracelets, earrings, shoes or whatever he thinks I’d like when he sees them.
That’s sweet
This year, I made a traditional outfit for him with slides to match for his birthday. I got the material from the market myself and made an ankara gift box, so everything cost about ₦30k.
I also got him two t-shirts, bracelets, a chopping block and wooden spoon set on my way from Ghana.
Do you have a financial safety net?
I saved a lot during my year in Ghana, so I have about ₦300k in my fixed deposit account.
What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?
Asides his practice as a dietician, Ugo has a packaged date palm business. We’re hoping to expand distribution to supermarkets after he gets it registered with NAFDAC. I also plan to quit my current job in March, so I’m looking to get a better paying job, probably one remote as a virtual assistant. We’re praying and hoping something good happens because we can’t possibly start a family on our current income.
If you’re interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship, this is a good place to start.
We know you’ve dreamt of the day you’ll marry your K-pop Bias. What if we told you we actually know who you should end up with? Don’t believe us? Take the quiz.
