Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet each other?

Daniel: I was dating her twin sister, Mina, for almost two years between 2019 and 2021. I met Somi sometime during that period. She had her own boyfriend at the time. And all four of us were quite friendly. We used to go out together a lot.

Somi: Yes, we were all good friends. But then, I broke up with my boyfriend towards the end of 2021, while Daniel proposed to Mina about a month after.

Wait, he was going to marry your twin sister?

Daniel: I thought I loved her, but the truth is, we were incompatible in a lot of ways. We had very different personalities. She was the kind of person to always be out and about, attending everyone’s party. She was generally loud and jovial. I’m a lot more reserved. But I admired her and loved being her person.

Somi: We started bonding after I became single and he drew closer to the family as Mina’s fiance. We could both relate to being in her shadow. So when she was on one of her energy bursts, initiating ideas none of us could relate to, Daniel and I would exchange glances and knowing smiles.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Daniel: When I realised I was lowkey spending more time with Somi, and I was beginning to feel guilty about it, I knew something was up.

Somi: We’d have these long deep conversations in the living room — while Mina was somewhere else doing something else — and I started to realise he got me. I’ve always been the quiet sister between Mina and me. But Daniel is even more quiet than me. 

When she first started dating him after they met at work, I was so sure they’d break up in no time because Mina had a type, and it wasn’t Daniel. I was shocked when he even proposed to her. Then, I started thinking Mina was lucky she got such a good, unproblematic person. 

When that changed to feelings of jealousy, I started avoiding him. We both still lived with our parents, so anytime I knew she was coming to the house with him, I’d just go out.

How did things progress from there?

Somi: They started getting busy with their wedding plans. Mina was her usual energetic self about the whole thing, drawing me in with talks of the bridal train as expected. I had to be involved in preparations for the traditional side of things as well, and the whole thing made me so uncomfortable. 

I kept thinking they wouldn’t be happy together. But at the same time, I felt like a bad sister to think that. It’s not like I knew for sure that I liked him or he liked me back. I just liked him as a friend and person. And I felt his personality would clash with my sister’s in the long run. But he was love-struck.

Daniel: I agree I was love-struck. But I now realise it’s different from being in love with someone. I loved the idea of Mina and the idea of being with someone that passionate about everything. But our relationship was missing that connection I always felt with Somi.

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I’m curious how you guys crossed the line over to love and a relationship

Somi: First, Mina suddenly called off the wedding the day of her bridal shower, a few weeks before the wedding. She called me crying, as the rest of the bridal party was preparing for the shower and told me she’d broken it off with Daniel. She confided in me that she no longer felt excited about the prospects of marrying him, and she’d felt that way for a while but didn’t want to admit it. But now, everything in her was saying no. 

My first thought was, “How’s Daniel taking this news?” I wanted to comfort Mina, but at the same time, I wanted to be sure Daniel was okay. And to be honest, my longing for Daniel was stronger at that moment.

Daniel: I didn’t take it well at all. I actually cried when Mina broke things off. On one side, I didn’t think I deserved her. On the other, I was already determined to give her my all. In retrospect, I know it was unhealthy to be with someone who unknowingly made me feel less than. 

After the whole thing settled and I made peace with the fact that I was no longer getting married, I obviously stayed away from their house and business. But then, Somi reached out to me about a week later, asking how I was. She sounded so sincere and comforting when she said she hoped I was fine. And I realised I’d missed her and our frequent bantering.

I see

Somi: We started talking over the phone from time to time after that first call. We’d always been close on IG, so we started really responding to each other’s content again and exchanging memes.

Daniel: She didn’t know how much her messages and memes helped me get through the day. Having her come back into my life after I stopped being anything to her, really made me feel a lot less lonely. 

One day, I decided to ask her if she wanted to hang out, and we did. We attended my co-worker’s birthday party together. Thankfully, Mina and Somi are completely unidentical, so there was no mistaking them for each other and wondering if I’d gotten back together with Mina. 

Somi: LOL. After that outing, I knew I really liked him. And I knew I had to have a potentially difficult conversation with Mina. Luckily, she said she was fine with me getting close to him.

Daniel: I asked her out officially a week after we attended the birthday party in 2021.

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You didn’t feel awkward that you would’ve married her twin?

Daniel: Of course, I did. I knew how it looked.

Somi: I was ashamed for the first few months, so we hid the relationship from all our mutual friends. But we kept going because we just got along so well. We’re both quiet introverts who love to dwell in our personal spaces without intrusion from the outside world. And somehow, we got to meld personal spaces such that we loved being alone together. What I love most about us is how we get each other’s subtle gestures and facial expressions so well.

Daniel: Our public sign language. LOL.

Somi: Yes. It also does wonders for my self-esteem that Mina and I aren’t identical. It makes me that much more confident that I’m not just a perfect replacement. I do believe we share a true connection.

Daniel: We do.

So how did you go from hiding your relationship to marriage?

Daniel: That was hard. I was terribly ashamed to go back to her parents. The same man wanting to marry the twin sister this time around? I felt bad. My mum was my support system during this time. She really helped me jump that hurdle. And of course, Somi too kept trying to convince me that she’d already told them and done some of the dirty work. I don’t know how she gathered the nerve. Meanwhile, I was joking around about us eloping to another country.

Somi: But he eventually came to meet my parents, and they were completely fine with it as long as Mina didn’t have any issues. Oh, I should mention that by then, Mina was already getting on with her current fiance.

Nice. But when did you propose? And why does it feel like you were in such a hurry to marry, Daniel?

Daniel: I really wasn’t. I just don’t believe in wasting time when you’ve found a good thing. I felt good about Mina. But maybe that was just because I got to spend a lot of time with Somi and mistook the warmth I felt in my heart during that period for being happy with Mina.

Somi: I think when we started properly dating, we just wanted to be fully committed to each other as soon as possible. But actually, we dated for up to a year before the wedding. That’s not bad at all.

Daniel: I proposed in May 2022, seven months after we started dating. I just asked her to marry me one Saturday night while we were watching TV together and discussing the cars we liked. Her friend helped me choose a ring the next day, and I officially proposed during a lunch date later in the week.

Somi: It all felt natural, and I especially appreciate that he didn’t plan a fanfare around the proposal. It felt like we were having a heart-to-heart when he asked me and later proposed with a ring. The wedding happened five months later, in October.

How does Mina feel about you two being married now?

Somi: She jokes about it all the time — that she’s glad she didn’t force herself to marry Daniel and ruin our chances of true love forever.

Aww

Daniel: I’m actually very grateful to God because things like that have ruined so many lives. 

Somi: All three of us would’ve probably been miserable for the rest of our lives because of that one act. And worse, we wouldn’t even know what was triggering our sadness.

Right? So how would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Somi: 10

Daniel: 10

DIRECTLY RELATED: Love Life Special: Mina’s Side of the Story

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

How did you meet?

Tunde: Our mums hooked us up.

Tumi: They’re childhood best friends, but his mum moved to the US in the 90s. I’d always known about him vaguely.

Tunde: My mum showed me photos of her once or twice. But we finally met when I came to Nigeria for the first time in October 2018. My brother was getting married, and his babe’s family was in Nigeria. I met Tumi at this wedding.

Tumi: During the weeks leading up to his arrival, my mum kept telling me how I had to meet him, and we’d be so good together. She even told me that when she and her friend gave birth to us around the same time, they promised each other we’d get married. Of course, I rolled my eyes.

Tunde: My mum didn’t go that far, but she definitely wanted us to get together. When I finally met Tumi, I was so over the pressure from my mum that I didn’t really try to get to know her.

Tumi: Three months later, we were married.

Please, tell us what magic occurred

Tunde: I ended up staying in Nigeria longer than the one month my family had planned because of some personal issues. We stayed in my father’s family house, and it was this big, comfortable estate, so Tumi’s mum would come over a lot. She practically lived with us during that time.

Tumi: My dad had recently died, and I was their only child, so my mum really leaned on her old friend for emotional support. That meant I was almost always in their house too when I wasn’t at work or staying over with my friends. He was always out and about, which meant we practically lived together but never actually saw. Meanwhile, our mums were each planting seeds of us being together in our heads.

Tunde: That’s an accurate way to put it, “planting seeds”. I just realised one day that I wasn’t opposed to the idea anymore. It’d been said to me enough times that it started to seem like my idea. So I started watching Tumi from afar and realised she was actually a good catch. 

Tumi: Besides the regular pleasantries when we saw, we weren’t really friends, but our mothers’ almost sisterhood was so infectious it gave us a kind of bond, I think. 

When did you realise you liked or even loved each other?

Tunde: About a month in, I started really seeing her and realised I could’ve been attracted to her without this pressure from our mums. 

Watching her in our living room as I passed by, or as we crossed paths in the front yard, her personality always made me smile. She can be hotheaded, but she’s adorable when she’s angry. You can’t cheat or disrespect Tumi. She won’t take it even for a second; she’ll change it for you immediately and in an intelligent way. I really like that about her.

Tumi: I think around that time, I noticed he was getting less aloof around me. We still only did pleasantries but he was noticeably warmer. I admired how reserved he was though. 

I’ve always liked a man who isn’t necessarily arrogant but also doesn’t talk too much. Our mothers aside, he was a good spec based on all the things I liked in a man. Well, the superficial things. We didn’t really get to know each other until much later.

Before or after the sharp wedding?

Tumi: LOL. Both.

Tunde: We’re still getting to know each other right now. It’s not something that has to happen at a specific period. But sometime in the second month, November, I decided I wanted to marry her. I wanted it, and I knew it would make my mum happy. 

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Sounds like a huge thing to just decide like that

Tunde: I know. But I didn’t really want to deep it. I kinda liked this girl and both our parents wanted us to get married, so why not? I was young, but I was doing pretty well as a remote coder for a tech company in Cali. I couldn’t really think why not? It wasn’t like I’d been in any serious relationships ever, and I couldn’t be bothered to date.

Tumi: I’d had one serious boyfriend before we married. We dated for four years and it ended terribly, so I was sore from that. I hadn’t dated in several months before Tunde came into my life, and I was meeting many frogs at the time. 

When he jokingly asked me, “What if we just get married?” one day in his mum’s kitchen, I thought he was crazy, but I didn’t hate the idea at the same time.

But you barely knew him

Tumi: I know it sounds crazy. But I dated my ex for four years. Still, after our breakup, I felt like I never really knew him.

Tunde: I can’t really explain it, but it felt like we’d known each other forever because of our mums. She felt so familiar, and as we warmed up to each other, it started to feel like home when I was around her. 

At some point, when I stepped outside my room after a long virtual work day or got back home from whatever elongated trip I went on with relatives I was getting to know, I’d immediately want her to be around just to feel her presence. Anytime I discovered she wasn’t there with her mum, I’d feel a little sad.

Tumi: I was completely ignorant of this because he never actually asked about me. He’d just use his eyes to look for me. If he sees me, he’d greet me and ask how I was.

So what happened in the kitchen that day?

Tumi: Our mums had gone out. For the first time, I had to stay back at their place without my mum. It was a Saturday, but I had some urgent work to do on my laptop and didn’t want to waste time on transit getting home before doing it. And surprise surprise, he actually came down from his domain to see what the mere mortals were up to. That was the first time we had a proper conversation after almost two months of meeting.

Tunde: I needed a break from my screen to stretch my legs and eyes, so I came downstairs and froze when I saw her in the living room. No one was home. My siblings had gone back to the US by then. I only stayed back to keep my mum company and enjoy Lagos during the famous Detty December because I worked remotely. Everywhere was quiet and she looked so pretty from behind, focused on work, I knew I had to talk to her.

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And?!

Tumi: It was a little chat. He asked about my work. I answered and took the opportunity to ask about his because I’d been so curious. I mean, this was 2018. Remote work wasn’t really a thing then. I won’t lie; a part of me thought he was doing yahoo.

Tunde: DFKM.

Tumi: I told him our mums had gone out together, and we joked about their obsession with each other. I told him I really admired it actually and was jealous I didn’t have something like that. He was quiet for a bit, then he said the thing about us getting married and seeing if they were right about us being a perfect match.

Tunde: It just came out, but as soon as it did, I wanted it to happen. I wanted to marry her.

And that happened one month later, how, please?

Tumi: It was a joke until it wasn’t. I think it was the Americana in him that rubbed off on me. Like, after that talk, I thought for sure he wasn’t serious. But then the next day, he showed me a ring he was considering ordering off Instagram, and would I say yes if he did? We didn’t even have each other’s phone numbers at this point. It was crazy.

Tunde: I was just sure all of a sudden. I mean, it wasn’t a do-or-die thing. If the marriage didn’t work out, we’d divorce. My thinking was worst-case scenario, we’d last five years, and it would be a fun adventure. I knew enough about her character to know nothing particularly bad would happen. Maybe if our mums weren’t so obsessed with the idea, I wouldn’t have been thinking about a wedding off the bat, but really, why not?

Tumi: Crazy, crazy, crazy. The fact that I went along with the craze is a testament to how much I was already liking him before that. And like he said, our mums were a huge factor. I wouldn’t have just agreed with a complete stranger. Definitely not.

How did your mums and Tunde’s dad take the news?

Tunde: We told everyone some days later, and they were shocked.

Tumi: My mum was like, “Ahn ahn. Ahn ahn. When did everything happen without me knowing? So you were just allowing me talk. Meanwhile, you’ve gone behind to do jigi jaga”.

Scrim

Tunde: My mum actually called me back to make sure her “too much talk” didn’t put undue pressure on me. I was like, “Too late, Mama.” They were all just concerned we were talking marriage right away instead of just revealing we’d decided to date or something. But underneath the disguise, our mums at least, were beyond excited. It was good to see.

Tumi: My friends were harder to convince. Besides my best friend, the rest were convinced I was making a huge mistake. What if he’s abusive? What if there’s something diabolical going on? It was a lot. My bestie encouraged me to sha follow my heart but use my head. My head had already turned because I was painfully attracted to him by this point and his conviction about the whole thing was contagious.

Tunde: Nah. My friends were excited to meet the woman who got me to propose in such a short period. They were totally rooting for me because they thought I was head over heels, which I guess I was.

So tell me about the wedding. Don’t preparations last six months, at least?

Tumi: We didn’t want any of that. 

This was kind of an experiment — though one made out of love — so we weren’t trying to go the whole Nigerian festival route. Once we agreed we wanted to do this, we started talking logistics. He lives in the US, and I’d never lived outside Lagos before. Thankfully, I had a British passport from being born there, so it was easy to make the decision for me to move in with him in San Fransisco. 

My career was the major bane of the whole plan. I had to be sure I wanted to quit and be dependent on him until I found a job here. And there was a huge possibility I never would, knowing the US immigrant climate, especially being a marketer. It was a huge decision to make for an experiment.

Tunde: I recognised that and urged her to consider it deeply. No pressure.

Tumi: I now run an online retail store, so that worked out fine. 

We moved in the middle of January 2019 and had a civil wedding in the beautiful SF city hall. That place is so gorgeous.

Tunde: My parents and her mum attended with all my friends, but they still did an engagement party without us in Lagos. They sent photos of the chaotic thing.

And how has the experiment been so far?

Tumi: Pretty good. We’re good friends and lovers now, and it honestly doesn’t matter that we chose not to overthink things going in.

Tunde: Pretty much. I don’t think we’re missing anything. We created a foundation of not taking things too seriously, and that’s helped a lot. We’re both responsible adults, so of course, we plan things like bills and spending thoroughly. We have kids now, right? 

Besides being clear about finances, everything goes.

How would y’all rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Tumi: 10 is perfect, right? So 9.

Tunde: Same.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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