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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    How did you meet?

    Nonye: During NYSC in 2021. We served at the same PPA in Kogi State and happened to both be coming from Enugu.

    Jojo: We were teachers in the same secondary school. I taught maths, science and business studies; she taught English and CRS. And our rooms were beside each other at the corpers lodge. But eventually, we talked our roommates into switching so we could stay together. 

    The first day we met, she was reporting to the school two weeks late because she’d asked the state coordinator for permission to go back to Enugu after returning from the orientation camp. I later found out she’d lost her mother just before NYSC started.

    Nonye: Yes. But I tried to suppress the grief for a while. 

    We didn’t get to meet in camp, but she was the only corper who didn’t have a class when I reported to the school. She offered to help me carry my things to the lodge, which wasn’t close by, especially since we had to go on foot. We didn’t say a word to each other the entire way — the sun was too hot for that — but as soon as we got into my room, Jojo started asking me a thousand questions about myself. 

    Jojo: I’m like that. I love to get to know people. 

    We became friends from that first day because she was so nice and open, answering all my questions and asking back too. We related to each other’s stories because we lived in the same Enugu town. By the time I left her to settle in while I went to teach my next class for that day, I felt good knowing I had someone I could hang out with. 

    NYSC was such a beautiful time because we did everything together. We even split bills and expenses. We were like sisters separated at birth.

    Did you start liking each other during NYSC?

    Jojo: As friends, yes. We had a strong connection, but we weren’t thinking in a romantic direction at that time. I didn’t even know I was gay then.

    Nonye: Nothing happened romantically until after she came out to me on New Year’s Day in 2022. When she told me she was gay, I said, “I know.” I feel like I knew she was gay before she did. Don’t ask me how. I just know when she told me, I wasn’t surprised at all. I was happy for her for finally finding herself.

    Jojo: When I came to terms with my sexuality, she was the first person on my mind I wanted to date, but I was too scared of ruining our friendship. We were back in Enugu but still as close as ever. We’re both working a 9 to 5, but we help each other with our side gigs too. I’m a freelance photographer, and she runs a thrift and crochet store online. 

    Before I could find the nerve to ask her to date me, I got with a girl I met on Twitter who also lived in Enugu, and we dated for some months. Nonye was super supportive, so they became friends too. 

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    When did friendship turn to love?

    Jojo: My dad passed away in March 2022, and the grief was much. So we bonded over her understanding of what it feels like to lose a parent. She was there for me throughout the preparation, burial and mourning period. My girlfriend couldn’t be there because I hadn’t come out to my family. 

    I kept to myself a lot during those three or so months it took me to recover from the loss, but Nonye was always there for me, sleeping over, sharing what helped her heal when her mother died. I liked her then more than ever. When my ex broke things up with me in June 2022, because I wasn’t showing enough commitment to her, I started thinking about asking Nonye to be my girlfriend once again.

    Nonye: I still loved Jojo as a friend but didn’t think beyond that until the day she shakily asked me out when we’d gone to the cinema to watch Thor: Love and Thunder. I told her I wasn’t gay, and she said she knew. 

    Later that night, I couldn’t stop thinking about her asking me out. We spoke the next morning, and she didn’t bring it up again. I was upset about that, but I also didn’t bring it up until some days later when I said I really liked her too. I didn’t know what I was doing or what to expect, so I was scared about what I said. But I knew it was true. 

    She had this wide, bright, beautiful smile on her face when I looked at her again. I know it sounds cheesy, but I’d never seen her smile like that before. I’d always loved Jojo, but that’s when I realised I really liked her too. Without needing to ask each other again, we just started dating from then on. 

    One of the things that’s happened in the last several months is that we spend and plan our money as a unit, even our side gigs have unified.

    What was your first major fight about?

    Nonye: We have this on-and-off argument — not necessarily fight — because I always insist I’m not gay when it comes up in private. But it’s true. I’m not. She’s the only girl I’ve ever been attracted to. Generally, I still find boys attractive. If god forbid, we break up, I’d most likely be with a guy. 

    Jojo: It feels like it should make me happy, but it makes me sad, and I don’t know why. I know I have no reason to think this because she’s the most devoted and loyal partner to me, but I keep getting this uncertainty that I’m just a phase to her.

    Nonye: You’re not. I want us to last forever, but if we don’t, it won’t be because I see you as a phase. You know that’s not true.

    Jojo: I do. But I still think if you’re dating your gender, you’re gay sha. 

    Catch the crazy dating stories of our 40+ anonymous writer, once a month from Sunday, June 11, 2023

    Actually, she could be. How has this relationship been different from past ones?

    Jojo: It’s my first truly mature relationship. Before Nonye, I’d had mostly unserious relationships (school flings) with guys. 

    My first girlfriend was great, but being with Nonye now, I realise we were quite childish. Our five-and-a-half-month relationship consisted of going out to get shawarma together every weekend, making out and arguing over the most basic things. It was like we were doing it for fun; nothing more. 

    With Nonye, we still do shawarma and make out, but we also talk a lot about important things like work, spending, personal development and even our relationships with other people. We advise each other a lot and look out for each other.

    Nonye: I’ve only dated two people in this life. One was in high school and another in university — we broke up sometime during NYSC. But Jojo is the only one who’s met almost everyone in my family. Although, it’s only my immediate elder sister who knows we’re intimate. That has changed the stakes a lot. 

    This relationship is pretty mature; we take the commitment seriously.

    What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?

    Jojo: I don’t want to say us being gay so as not to alert the LGBT police, but I don’t know any other gay couples, so I think it still counts. I think it’s also unconventional to be a gay person dating a straight person.

    Nonye: That shows just how strong our love is.

    Jojo: Right.

    How has the relationship changed you?

    Jojo: Dating Nonye has helped me let my guard down. I feel like I can trust her completely with my heart and things like life decisions. She’s a truly wise, intuitive person, so that has rubbed off on me a bit. These days, I find myself thinking the way she thinks, which is by checking if the vibe is right before jumping into things. 

    This can be as little as if I should go somewhere, talk to someone or not, eat at this restaurant or another. And the vibe check has never failed me. My relationship with my mother has also improved greatly since. She’s taught me to appreciate what I have before I lose it.

    Nonye: I’d actually say the same about my relationship with my dad, although it’s just occurring to me. 

    Besides that, I’ve become a lot more enterprising since we got together, since we became friends actually. I don’t see how our businesses would grow the way they do without your sense. I’m more attuned to making profit now. Soft life loading. 

    Oh also, this is the first relationship in which I’m so comfortable with being open and vulnerable. We’re always oversharing with each other.

    How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Nonye: 8. We’re still fresh. Our first anniversary is next month, and I’m so excited, but it still feels like we’re in the honeymoon stage.

    Jojo: 8. I guess what she’s saying is we should revisit this rating after we celebrate a year.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life: He Taught Me to Be Less Controlling

  • Love is great, and we can’t help but go “awww” at the cute things people in love do. So we understand being invested in relationships you know only because of the internet, especially the ones on Big Brother. For context, Yvonne and Juicy Jay from Big Brother Titans broke up yesterday. Like all good things, they’ve come to an end, and you have to move on from a relationship that’s not even yours. Don’t worry sha, we’ve got you.

    Reminisce on the good times

    You were rooting for them for a reason. Try not to think about the fact that their relationship is done, and instead focus on all the premium relationship banter they gave on the timeline and all the cute pictures they shared on the timeline.

    Mourn the relationship in private 

    Please, try not to cry more than the bereaved. Don’t go wailing on the timeline or asking questions that have nothing to do with you. You can cry, but only on the inside.

    If you’re going to pick sides, do it with sense

    They’ve broken up, but you don’t have the heart to let both of them go and, that’s okay. You’re allowed to pick sides, just do it without throwing dirt on the other person’s name and dragging them like you had a stake in the first place.

    RECOMMENDED: 7 Must-Haves if You Want To Ship The Big Brother Housemates This Season

    Remember, you don’t actually know them

    Yes, it felt like you knew every detail of their love life, but you need to remember that you don’t actually know them. You can’t afford to invest too much time and energy in their break up.

    Resist the urge to be a monitoring spirit

    As tempting as it is, don’t stalk their pages to see if they’ve moved on or if are subbing each other, or if they’ve gotten back together. You should always mind the business that pays you.

    Block both parties

    Remember that you don’t know them in real life, so you can always just block or mute them if it all gets too much for you.

     Face your front

    After all is said and done, remember that it isn’t your life. You have your own relationships, finances, and KPIs to focus on, so face front.

  • After salaries and a desire to NOT live under the bridge, work besties are the major reason many of us remain slaves to capitalism. There’s something about finding someone to gossip about your boss with that makes it all worth it. 

    But even work bestie-ships sink, so here’s how to know yours is about to hit the rocks.

    They stop sending you gist

    This is the biggest warning signal. Gist can’t finish at the office, so the only reason they’re not talking about it with you, or locking eyes when someone at the office does something dumb, is because they no longer value being your work bestie, or worse, they think you’ll snitch.

    They start calling in sick without telling you

    Taking a sick day — AKA leaving you to suffer through work all by yourself — without warning you? That bestie-ship is shaking.

    Or they go on leave

    How dare they take a break from capitalism when you’re still slaving away? What happened to going on leave together? It only means one thing: They don’t rate you anymore.

    They suddenly know what they want to eat

    Everyone knows work bestie-ships are like relationships. You both have to weigh the pros and cons of buying Iya Basira’s rice for lunch, even though you both know you’ll end up buying ewa agoyin in the end. Once they start making lunch decisions easily, just know there’s someone else.

    They actually start working

    If your work bestie starts letting a little thing like a performance review get in the way of hanging out with you at work, sorry to say, but you’re losing your friend to capitalism.

    They start getting close to another coworker

    That’s the betrayal of the highest order if you ask me. They’re rolling with basic bitches now?

    You learn about their resignation when everyone else does

    At this stage, you should already know to call them ex-work bestie because a real work bestie knows to send the resignation letter to you for edits even before sending it to HR.

    Or they become your boss

    Yeah, just forget it. Your friendship is over. How do you gossip about your boss when the person you’re sharing amebo notes with is the said boss? Also, how did they work out a promotion without your knowledge? Just look for another work bestie. Y’all have had a good run.

    NEXT READ: These 10 Things Should Be Added to the Coworker Code

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Onose: Arguing online. 

    One of my Facebook friends had posted about supporting a certain presidential candidate — I won’t mention names — sometime in 2015. Misan commented in support under the post, and I just went at him, criticising him for supporting such a person. 

    I didn’t know him at the time. He was just a mutual through the person who originally posted.

    Misan: I was upset that someone who didn’t know me could have such strong opinions of me because of who I chose to support, so we had a long back and forth in the comments for the whole day. 

    My friend who made the original post had to enter my inbox to tell me to stop cluttering his notifications with my “wife”. I found his statement funny, so I asked if he knew Onose personally, saying, “Why is her blood so hot?” He said they were old friends from his former workplace, but he only had good things to say about her: she was a hard worker; smart and efficient. 

    I admired that so I slid into her inbox to say hi to my opp.

    Onose: I wasn’t very active on Facebook, even though I spent a whole day fighting with him on the platform. So I didn’t see his message for another week. He sent something like “Hi. Sorry for making you so angry over our leaders. My apologies, ma.” When I realised it was the guy I’d given a large piece of my mind, I laughed and replied with “Apology NOT accepted.” 

    But like that, we continued chatting on and off for the next two to three years.

    Wawu. When did you realise you liked each other?

    Onose: We got so close as chat friends over time that we started involving each other in mundane things happening in our lives.

    But things got more serious when we followed each other on Instagram in 2017. I used to sing, so anytime I participated in a challenge or contest that required voting, even giveaways, I’d tag him to vote for me. He always voted and would even get his guys to vote too.

    He was always there with encouraging words when I was going through rough patches or feeling discouraged. Of course, I had other friends in real life who were just as supportive, but there was something particularly caring about his approach. Interestingly, we’d never met in person at that point. 

    Misan: My company had posted me to Kano in 2013, so I was there for much of those three years while she was in Lagos. When I finally moved to Ibadan at the beginning of 2018, I really wanted to see her. I took a chance and asked if she wanted to meet sometime. She was hesitant, so it took another month or two before we met up at a lounge on the island. 

    I remember my bus ride down from Ibadan, I was thinking, “What the hell am I doing? And why do I feel so nervous doing it?” 

    God, abeg

    Onose: He was cute in his pictures, but I kept thinking, “What if he’s catfishing sha?” So before I even agreed to meet, I reached out to our old mutual friend. I asked him about Misan: if he’s how he looks in his photos, stuff like that. Nothing he said gave me cause for alarm, and Misan had been a good well-behaved online friend so far. But for some reason, I had my guard up. 

    I was pleasantly surprised when we met. He was even better looking than his pictures, and our conversations were smooth. We even revisited stuff we’d already discussed over the years, just to talk about it in person. 

    Did you bring back the Facebook fight too?

    Onose: That was already way behind us. He teases me about it now that we’re married, but it never came up while we were dating.

    Later that night, we went out and hung out with my friends at the club. By the time I returned home, I knew I liked him a lot.

    Misan: I returned to Ibadan the next day. On the bus ride back, I decided I’d ask her to be my girlfriend and see what she’d say. I don’t even know why. I just knew I really like everything about her; from the way she talked to the way she walked.

    That didn’t happen for another two weeks though. I was scared. For one, she’d spoken out against long-distance relationships more than once. But I finally asked her over a phone call one evening, and she surprised me by saying yes.

    Onose: I liked him and didn’t mind giving us a chance.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    When did you know you’d fallen in love?

    Misan: I can’t really pin it down. We got used to each other more and more over time. Before we knew it, our relationship had lasted longer than my previous relationships. 

    During the heat of COVID in 2020, I lost my job and moved to Lagos to freelance as a real estate agent for a while. I made considerably less money for about seven months, especially when I took out the perks my old company offered besides my salary, which meant I had even more expenses. 

    The way she came through for me, paying for some of my bills and randomly sending me small ₦10k here and there blew my mind. We’d been dating for two years by then, but it took a special kind of kindness for her to be that giving. I actually expected her to break up with me, or slowly ghost me being a newly broke man and all. But she did the opposite.

    I already loved her, but that experience made me appreciate her more.

    Onose: For me, it was our first anniversary in 2019. He came in from Ibadan for us to have a weekend getaway at Radisson. I remember just looking at him the next morning after we checked in, and thinking, “I love this guy. I really love this guy.” My mind was like “It’s over for you with this guy.” Do you get?

    Can’t relate. And as a hater, I want to know what your first major fight was about

    Onose: We actually fought some weeks after we first started dating. It was a phone fight. 

    Misan: Oh. Not that day.

    Onose: That morning, I was checking in on him as usual, asking what his plans were for the day. He told me he’d leave the office to run some errands around his guy’s wedding happening that weekend. He was going to be the best man. When he described the logistics of his errands, it didn’t make sense to me to go through so much stress for someone else’s wedding, especially since it’d heavily affect his work for the day. 

    Misan: I wanted to. Me and the guy go way back.

    Onose: I discouraged him, reminding him that he’d probably be too tired to do much work that day. His company at the time was very target-based. 

    He told me he’d heard, but the way he said it, I knew he’d still go ahead, so I called him multiple times during the day to remind him not to do too much.

    Why now?

    Misan: She’s even putting it nicely. She kept calling, vehemently telling me not to go to so and so place, if I really plan on taking a danfo or making sure I hadn’t left before meeting my morning targets. It was my first time experiencing her controlling side — the side that’d make her passionately argue with a stranger online for hours. 

    At one point, I temporarily blocked her because I was tired. I had to talk to her firmly about it that evening. She had good intentions, but I told her to just let me make my own decisions in the end. 

    It’s still a work in progress, but she’s a lot more tolerant now.

    Onose: Thank you. But why did you block me?

    Misan: Omo, my team lead was beginning to give me side eye because of all the calls.

    HIGHLY RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We Married a Year After He Almost Married My Twin

    OMG. But how has this relationship been different from past ones?

    Misan: I’d never dated anyone I met online before her.

    Onose: I’d never been in a long-distance relationship before Misan because I’d heard too many bad stories. I’d dated someone I met online, although we met in person through my cousin a long time before that sha.

    2018 to 2023 seems like a long time. Why did it take you guys that long to marry?

    Misan: The long distance was a huge factor. We lived in different cities, but we could visit each other often because Lagos isn’t that far from Ibadan. So there was no urgency to make a concrete plan to be closer. That in turn slowed our relationship down. 

    Onose: We were too comfortable. 

    COVID and his moving to Lagos changed the stakes a lot, and in some ways, our relationship really kicked off from then, even though we already loved each other. Does that make sense?

    I think so. So how did a proposal happen?

    Misan: I asked her to marry me as soon as I got a job in November 2020. 

    It was a really good job with triple my previous pay. And I wouldn’t have gotten it without her. She pushed me to take all sorts of professional courses, not only to increase my employment opportunities but also to defend the widening gap in my CV. 

    I wouldn’t have gotten the job and my current career trajectory without those courses. She’s a true gem. I knew I needed her in my life for the long haul, but I also needed to be in a good place with a stable job to take that step.

    Onose: He literally proposed the evening of his first day. It shocked me when he casually came to my house and presented the ring. I wasn’t expecting it at all.

    Before you ask, the engagement lasted two years because my mother passed away about six months later. I went into depression; I was in grief for almost a year. I couldn’t imagine having a wedding without my mother. We’d dreamt of my wedding day for too long, and I beat myself up for taking my sweet time with it.

    I couldn’t even think of a wedding till almost a year after, in 2022. And Misan was patient through all that. I’m so grateful I didn’t have to go through that alone.

    I’m so so sorry. 

    What’s the best thing about being married?

    Misan: The promise of a lifetime together. Our relationship feels more solid. Also, finally moving in together after so long.

    Onose: Having someone to assist me in everything. We get to be there for each other for real, like literally always be there for each other. It can be overwhelming sometimes, but I love it. 

    Five months in, and I’ve learnt to be less controlling. Misan has helped me see I can’t control everything; people want to be able to think for themselves despite your advice and how much you think you know.

    Misan: And she’s taught me to be less laidback about my life. I know how far I’ve come career-wise and in my personal projects thanks to her OCD. 

    How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Onose: 8. 

    Misan: 12 (I take her remaining 2 and add to my 10). I couldn’t have asked for a better, more supportive significant other.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    READ NEXT: Love Life Special: Mina’s Side of the Story

  • This is Charis*’ story, as told to Boluwatife

    Image source: nappy via pexels

    I’m an extrovert who doesn’t know how to keep friends. I know what you’re thinking: How’s that even possible? I don’t know either. All I know is I can walk into a room and vibe with everyone there, but it never goes past that. I’m terrible at keeping that “vibe” long enough to form an actual friendship.

    I’ve always been like this. My social nature means I stand out among my mates, and people tend to flock to me, even during my secondary school days. But then, when they come around, I engage them for a while, lose interest and move to the next thing or person that catches my eye. 

    In university, I just had acquaintances. We called each other friends but never talked about the important things. I couldn’t just call them in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, tell them how I was crushing on one guy, or share my worries about my mum’s health. And it wasn’t really their fault. I just didn’t know how to put my energy into being close to people like that. 

    So when I got into my friend group in 2019, I couldn’t believe my luck. I met Rachael* during NYSC orientation at the Iseyin camp. She’d noticed I always got food in mammy market, walked up to me one day and went, “Are you related to Dangote?” I was still trying to understand the question when she laughed and explained why she said so. We became pretty close, and even when I started to withdraw, she’d come to my bed and talk to me. 

    Just before the end of camp, my mum passed away, finally succumbing to her long-term heart issues, so I had to leave camp early and return home to Lagos. Rachael kept in touch and even came down to Lagos a week before the burial to be with me. That’s when I officially became part of her friend group. She got her three other friends to call to sympathise with me and made sure they also came for the burial. I hit it off with them, and before I knew it, they’d added me to their WhatsApp friend group.

    Our friendship has lasted almost four years now because they put a lot into ensuring we all communicate on WhatsApp and even go on the odd girls’ trip. But I feel like the odd one out. Rachael and our other friends have known each other since university. I can just open our WhatsApp chat now and find 30+ messages of them sharing inside jokes or talking about someone I’ve never heard of. 

    They even like the same things. Anytime we plan a hangout, it’s almost always at someplace I don’t like because, by the time the others vote, I’m the only one with a different opinion. Let’s not even talk about how I’m a literal odd number. Before I joined, they were four in the group; I became number five. I sometimes feel like the third (or fifth) wheel, watching the others all perfectly paired up. They have this connection even outside our group activities, while the group is the primary thing I have in common with the four of them. It’s hard for me to just pick up the phone to call one of them and talk for hours. 

    Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice people, but I sometimes feel like I’m outside the group looking in. A perfect example is how, during Moyin*’s — one of our friends — wedding in 2021, Rachael would casually mention on the bridesmaids group chat that she’d discussed with Dara* when she slept over at her place the previous night, and they thought we needed to reconsider one thing or the other about our outfits. Like, aren’t we all in the same group for that purpose? What are these separate conversations about?

    Even their parents know each other. It’s not strange to hear that Moyin’s mum called Rachael on her birthday, or that Dara’s mum sent fish to Moyin. But just three months ago, I had to travel to Abuja for work. Moyin’s mum lives in Abuja, so the day before I travelled, I asked Moyin to tell her mum I’d like to stay over at their place. I was told the house was full and that their dad didn’t like impromptu visits. I understood, but I wondered, what if it was Dara who needed a place to stay? Wouldn’t they have found a way to help? I felt hurt, but I know Moyin would’ve helped if it was her house I needed to stay in.

    I’ve never told them how I feel because I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama. I know I can do a long group call just to rant, but I think I have to come to terms with the fact that they’ll always be closer to each other than me. They have common experiences I may never be able to relate to, but I guess that’s okay. 

    This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to real female friendships. I don’t have a best friend, but at least, I have people who look out for me, and that’s better than nothing.

    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    NEXT READ: I’m the Side Chick That Got the Man

  • It’s not like we’re trying to lead you astray, but if you’ve already decided to lie, you might as well tell a really good one. Just promise to share the money when you get it because these formats will definitely work every time.

    Tell him it’s a loan

    The first step is to make it seem like you intend to pay back, even though you and I both know that’s not in the plan.

    And that you’d pay back with interest

    Just don’t clarify what type of interest you mean. If he ever brings it up when it’s time to pay back, you can say the interest you offered was a hug or a pat on the head. Interest is interest.

    Say there’s something wrong with your credit alerts

    And you just want to know what it feels like for money to hit your account. You can throw in small sweet words and head rubs for pizzazz.

    Tell him the last person who gave you money got blessed

    If he doesn’t feel encouraged to try it out, he lacks faith in you, and why are you dating such an opp?

    Say your [distant] family member swallowed a razor

    Crazier things have happened. At least we were here when he heard that snake swallowed millions. Just tell him someone swallowed a razor, and now everyone needs to contribute to foot the medical bills.

    Tell him you crave money in your account

    This will probably only work if you’re pregnant sha. We’ll recommend getting pregnant first so this format works better for you.

    Claim to be broke

    This might even be an obvious lie, because Nigerian babes are rich. But you could try.

    Blame Nigerian banks

    Nigerian banks already have a reputation of doing everything else except their work, so this won’t be too far off. Just say something in the lines of, your bank locked your account, and boo will do the needful.

    Tell him you want to buy him a gift

    He’d be too impressed at the fact that you’re actually thinking of him to ask why you aren’t using your own money. 

    Tell him you want to buy yourself a gift

    And if he says no, it just means he doesn’t think you’re worthy of good things. Is that who you should be dating, sis?

    Say you want to start a business 

    TBH, using all the money to look good is good business, so this isn’t even a lie.

    Tell him you’ve found a sugar daddy 

    If he likes you, he’ll know he needs to step up so they don’t snatch you away from him. If he doesn’t like you, though…

    Say you’re owing Palmpay

    He wouldn’t want you to be disgraced, so he’ll cough up the money.

    Tell him you need money for school or anything specific 

    You already call him “daddy”, so he might as well start acting like your father.

    Just call him and start crying 

    At this point, you can be as creative as possible. Form sadness and tell him you don’t think he’d still love you if you were a worm. He’d probably try to appease you, and that’s when you ask for the money.

    NEXT READ: Dating on a ₦350k Creative Freelancer Income

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  • I’m in my early 20s, but I still see myself as a child. I used to think all early 20s folks see themselves this way, but I’m beginning to realise there aren’t too many of us on that boat. 

    I graduated from the university in 2019, and with each passing month, my old primary, secondary school and university classmates are taking the huge step of getting married and/or having kids. 

    marriage

    What’s even crazier is it’s the folks who swore that love is a scam that are the first to go.

    You could be on the street, and John Bosco who promised to become a Catholic priest would drive by in his Sienna with his two kids. Love really has a way of changing your plans.

    marriage

    I can’t even imagine having a kid right now. So of course, I’m concerned by the level of work social media puts into making babies look like angels. 

    I’m a child myself. Having my own child right now is a recipe for disaster. I’d get angry over the stupidest things.

    marriage

    Kids are really expensive too. I’m sorry, but if I’m going to spend that much money on something, I should be getting some kind of ROI.

    marriage

    I really admire those who are starting families anyway. It takes a lot to believe in a cause so completely to devote your entire life to it. 

    marriage

    I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility yet. Imagine being responsible for people who aren’t me. I’m barely responsible for myself. Marriage is so scary and final. I know divorce exists, but I don’t think anyone goes into marriage with the intention of divorcing later. What’s especially scary is the fact that people change and there’s nothing you can do about it. Even I know that I wasn’t the same person I was a few years ago. 

    The patience that marriage requires doesn’t sound like something I have yet. I’ll have to be completely accountable to another person. I can’t just decide to go on a trip or make a big purchase. It’s bondage, but I’d be deeply in love with the person I’m in bondage with.

    marriage

    I hope I get married someday — definitely not today — but till then, I’ll write articles and make sure every hot babe knows about HERtitude. You too can get your tickets here.

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Please, take it from the top. How did you meet Daniel?

    We met at work in 2018. We used to work in different departments of a bank’s head office. I was in marketing, he was in IT, and if you’re familiar with how banks work, you know these two departments liaise often. 

    I met him when I had an issue to resolve for a client. I went to his department, and the task was assigned to him. It took us two months to sort out the issue, and that’s how we started talking every other day. I was drawn to his reserved personality from the beginning. When we finally resolved the problem, he sent me a bottle of wine to celebrate, and I thought it was really nice of him.

    If you don’t know what we’re talking about, read this first: Love Life: We Married a Year After He Almost Married My Twin

    Nice. How did things progress?

    I admired that he didn’t try to flirt or act inappropriately when we worked together, which guys did a lot. They may not necessarily harass you, but they always want to get familiar too quickly once they know you’re a girl they’ll be working closely with for some time. I liked that he was respectful and understood boundaries. 

    Some weeks after the whole thing, my mum was marking her 50th birthday with a big party, and my siblings and I were encouraged to invite all our friends. When I was scrolling through my contact list, I saw his name and remembered how cordial he was, so I invited him on a whim.

    When did you start dating?

    It was a gradual process, TBH. At the party, he was really cool. He came right on time while others came late, and he stayed till the end. He was respectful to my family and was the only friend who brought my mum a gift — a china plate set. My parents still use it in their house today. It was so lovely. 

    After that, we started talking. I’d just come out of a one-year relationship, so I wasn’t really in a hurry. But things became official in March 2019, when we went on our first proper date.

    Had he met Somi by this time?

    Yes, they met briefly at my mum’s birthday. But they didn’t really meet till my birthday hangout in July. We all went to the beach with a couple of our friends. They got along well. Daniel is naturally a kind, caring person. His parents raised him well, and I don’t say that lightly. He’s one of the most respectful people I know. 

    After our beach hangout, we started having double dates once in a while; us, Somi and her boyfriend. The hangouts happened naturally when we found someplace cool to hang and we wanted to share the moment with other people without making it too complicated by inviting our friends.

    Got it. How did your relationship with Daniel go in general? 

    It went well. Special days like my birthday, Valentine, Christmas, were even more special with him because he’s an intentional and thoughtful person. Sometimes, he’d do grand gestures like when he sent gift and food baskets with trumpeters to my office on our first Valentine’s together in 2020. Other times, he’d just send meaningful gifts. Our first Christmas together in 2019, he got me knee and wrist supports because I started going to the gym some weeks earlier. 

    Did you know he’d propose when he did?

    Yes and no. Things were going well for about two years before he popped the question, so it was definitely at the back of my mind that we might get married. But we didn’t really discuss it beforehand.

    Our lives had become intertwined such that we were always either together or chatting randomly over the phone. I switched banks a year into our relationship, but we were both still in the banking sector and worked on the island, so it was easy to navigate our relationship with work. And he got along well with everyone in my family. I found it so easy to introduce him to everyone.

    Why then didn’t it work out in the end?

    See, Daniel is a good guy to have as a boyfriend in general. But was he a good guy for me in particular? I don’t think so. We didn’t really have much in common. I love to go out and be outside. It’s pretty important to me to attend events, both social and work-related, to meet people, explore places; I even love just driving around. I visit people a lot and love celebrating with them. 

    Daniel doesn’t mind these things, but he also loves solitude a lot. He loves to read; I can never get past five pages of a book. I’m also an active person, and if you’re a regular gym person, you know the lifestyle is pretty exciting. The gym is a great place to network too. Well, Daniel is a real couch potato. You can’t get him to run for his salvation. 

    These things weren’t really a big deal at first, but as soon as we got engaged, it became more obvious that we couldn’t really gist about things. He always wanted to talk about movies or books or something he found out online to do with tech, science, celebrities. I only ever wanted to talk about the things happening around us, like what happened at work or at that restaurant I went to, or on the road to his house. A lot of times, we had nothing to offer each other when one person is talking about what interests them.

    But why did that become obvious only after the engagement?

    It was always obvious, but it didn’t choke me until the thought of a lifetime together started hanging in the air. We spent even more time together, and I started seeing him come to life more with certain other people. Yes, including Somi. He had a lot in common with her, and they could always engage in conversation on a deeper level than we could. 

    But she wasn’t the reason I broke off the engagement. It was the deeper realisation that our connection was on a surface level. We liked each other a lot, and I wanted someone that caring and loyal in my corner, but did I really love him? I started questioning myself a lot as the d-day got closer.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

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    What was the defining moment for you that made it clear you had to end it?

    I woke up the morning of my bridal shower, and my heart was heavy. I just knew I couldn’t go through with it anymore. I was no longer excited about marrying Daniel. There’s no other way to explain it. And I didn’t want to allow what people might say to make me enter something so permanent. So I went to his house, and I explained this to him. We had a long conversation about it, and his emotional reaction almost made me change my mind, but I had to be strong. Changing my mind out of pity would’ve been the worst thing to do anyway. 

    True. But how did you feel when your sister told you she was now seeing him? 

    I won’t lie, I was upset. I couldn’t believe it when she told me, but my sister and I mean a lot to each other. We’ve been through so much together, and I know her more than anyone in this world. I know she didn’t have a drop of bad will against me when she started getting close to Daniel. She said nothing had happened between them and nothing would if I told her I wouldn’t accept it. And I believed her. 

    Can I ask why?

    Daniel and Somi have so much in common. They’re both too nice for their own good and very bookish. They used to chat about movies for hours on end when I was the one dating him, and it was so cool to watch how excited they’d get. I knew it was hurting Somi to even ask me about it, knowing fully well that their relationship would be unconventional given my recent history with him. I didn’t want to be the one to put her through further misery. 

    Would I have preferred her to connect so deeply with someone besides my ex? Yes, of course. But do I think they had a natural connection that had nothing to do with me? Absolutely. Why would I keep them apart just out of spite?

    Fair enough. What’s it like being in their lives now that they’re married?

    It was weird at first, not just watching them be in love, but also seeing them hold back their affection because they didn’t want me to be uncomfortable. But I didn’t linger on the weirdness. My extended family also gives them a lot of heat, especially Somi. So I’d say they’ve paid for their “sins”. Just kidding. We’re all good. We’ve started to hang out more this year since I got engaged again.

    About that. What was it like recovering from one engagement and getting into another?

    It was rough, but I pulled through. I actually dated someone for about four months before I got together with my fiance. That relationship didn’t last because it was just me trying to find someone as fun-loving to attend all the events I’d missed while I was with Daniel. It wasn’t very deep, so it fizzled out just as easily as it started. 

    I wasn’t really looking when I met my fiance. I was a bit down when Somi started dating Daniel because I suddenly missed him always being there for me. You can say I was in a vulnerable state, so a new relationship was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I threw myself into work. And again, that’s where I found a man.

    Tell us about it, please

    In 2022, I got a new job at a fintech company. About two months in, I had to meet with their brand and marketing agency which was supposed to present some go-to-market strategies for one of our new products. 

    Obinna was the senior rep they sent to demonstrate the strategies in our office. He also became the point person as soon as we approved the agency’s plans, so almost like Daniel, we started communicating a lot and having to accompany each other to external work events. We got along so well it was almost too good to be true. At first, I told myself he’s probably this charming to all women. But when he started reaching out for us to hang out outside of work tasks, I didn’t hate it. Then we started going out together every evening after work and then again on weekends.

    Sounds like the perfect match you were looking for

    You can say that.

    We never even had the “Be my girlfriend” or “What are we?” conversation. We just spent so much time together that asking would’ve been denying the obvious. And it was exciting to have something so clear it didn’t need words. I’m not saying it couldn’t have gone badly o, but sometimes, when you know, you know.

    Is that why you got engaged so quickly though?

    We got engaged just last month, on the one-year anniversary of the day we met. How long is long enough to date before getting engaged, please? But yeah, this time, I’m sure I love him, and we understand each other so well. 

    Right. And does Obinna feel anyhow about your ex being part of the family now?

    Oh. That’s a big question o. We haven’t really had that conversation. He was definitely taken aback when he heard the story, but he’s really cordial with Daniel. 

    Again, Daniel is very good-natured. He’s not the type of person to give anyone cause to suspect or be wary just by seeing him and being around him, except you’re a particularly overbearing person. And Obinna isn’t, so my guess is he hasn’t thought about it that deeply at this time. He hasn’t even brought it up. 

    Maybe I should go and ask him after this interview.

    Fingers crossed for you. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Umm. 8. Obinna and I have a good thing going.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    NEXT BEST THING: Love Life: We’re Soulmates Who’ve Been Together Since JSS 1

  • Even though parents are extra in general, Nigerian parents take the cake. But just how extra are they? We asked people to tell us the wildest, most embarrassing thing their parents have done to or for them. Here’s what they said.

    “My dad sexted with my boyfriend” — Amanda*, 20

    I’m an only child, and my dad is very strict. I got my first phone at 18 only because I had to leave home for university. Anytime I came home for holidays, my dad would demand I limit my phone usage so we could “spend time as a family”. 

    One Saturday, during one holiday like that, I was exchanging suggestive texts with my boyfriend on WhatsApp when I had to leave my phone to run a brief errand. I still don’t know how my dad got my password, but he saw the chats. And when my boyfriend asked if I wanted to see how hard he was, I kid you not, my dad typed, “Yes, baby”. My boyfriend sent a dick pic, and my dad was horrified. When I got home that day, he beat me so much, I saw heaven and came back.

    “My mum fought me in school over a tampon” — Tina*, 18

    My mum and I weren’t the best of friends growing up. Maybe it was teenage rebellion, but we couldn’t understand or communicate well with each other. In JSS 3, I started menstruating and decided to try tampons since my friends always talked about them. I knew my mum would never allow me to use hers, so I just took some without her consent. She discovered they were missing while I was in school, and she searched my room and found the opened wrappers.

    She was so pissed she called my school and had them punish me. She also arrived 30 minutes later and jumped me. We literally had a dirty fight on the floor in front of all my seniors and my crush! It was so embarrassing.

    She eventually apologised, and we’re besties now that I’m older, but I still call her out for it at least once a week.

    “My dad brought my naked baby pictures to school” — June*, 22

    I was in Primary Six, and it was Children’s Day. Parents were invited, so my dad came armed with my stark naked baby pictures and shared them with all my teachers. No one asked him to bring the pictures o; he just did. My classmates saw them too, and made fun of me for the longest time after that incident.

    Your parents might disapprove, but it shouldn’t stop you from attending Zikoko’s HERtitude — the hottest party for all the hot babes. Get tickets here.

    “My mum visited my boss to warn him” — Henry, 27

    My very first boss was toxic. He had crazy expectations, and the funny thing was it was an unpaid internship. He’d expect me to be at the office at 7 a.m. even though work started at 9. You also couldn’t leave the office until he left. It was difficult, but I was learning a lot, so I endured.

    My mum had other plans. She never said anything suspicious when I complained about work stress, so imagine my shock when she walked into our office at 7 p.m. one day. Closing time was 5 p.m., but as usual, we were still there because of my boss. She requested to see him, and even though they spoke in his office, everyone on the floor heard her seriously warning and cussing him out. Then she told me to follow her home. Of course, I didn’t even try to resume at the office the next day.

    RELATED: What’s It Like Moving Back In With Your Parents as an Adult? — We Asked 5 People

    “My dad shaved my hair in school” — Dami*, 23

    I attended a military secondary school where my soldier father worked. Female students had to be on low-cut hair, and people who grew their hair longer than the required length would have their hair cut by the soldiers.

    When we were writing WAEC in SS 3, I didn’t shave my hair because I wanted to grow it and just tied a really tight scarf every morning so my hair would shrink and appear low-cut. At home, my dad would remind me every other day to go shave my hair and just start growing it after WAEC, but I delayed, hoping he’d forget. 

    That’s how I went to school for my last paper after shrinking my hair as usual. And my dad just singled me out during our assembly, put a comb in my hair to stretch it out and proceeded to shave it in front of the entire school. He never apologised.

    “She told the entire church about my bed-wetting issues” — John, 24

    I had potty training issues and wet the bed at night till I was around 11 years old. My mother tried so many things, including making me pee on hot coals and waking me up at night to pee, but I still somehow peed on the bed.

    When I was ten, my church was organising a deliverance for children, and she attended it with me and my siblings. At a point, the pastor said parents should declare their children’s issues so it would end forever, and this woman really took a microphone and announced my bed-wetting. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. All my friends and a couple of my classmates were there, so it spread to school too. The bed-wetting didn’t stop till about a year later, and I attribute the delay to the relentless bullying my mother’s “declaration” caused me in school.

    “My mum slapped me in front of my crush” — Princess, 26

    My mum had this best friend when I was younger. I naturally became close to her best friend’s son because we practically grew up together. I also started crushing on him.

    Unfortunately for me, both mothers started quarrelling when I was 17, and I didn’t know. One day, I was walking with my mother and brothers around a popular T-junction in Port Harcourt, where we wanted to get a cab. My crush saw us and came to me so we could walk together. My mother and brothers were ahead of us. My crush and I were talking, and he soon started asking me out. I started forming hard-to-get, smiling sheepishly as he was toasting me.

    When we got to where my mum was, and she noticed the smile on our faces, the next thing she did was slap the living daylight out of me in the presence of the boy and all the people around that busy junction. 

    Some passersby even had to hold me because I visibly saw stars. It was later I even got to know about the quarrel. That’s how I just received the brunt of other people’s malice o.

    *Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    NEXT READ: For Your Peace of Mind, Don’t Introduce These People to Your Nigerian Parents

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