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  • Being bullied based on an actual or perceived sexual character is something many Nigerian women are familiar with. I mean, we’re a society that calls women “ashewo” for travelling alone or just having money.

    It’s our “normal”, but no woman expects to be slut-shamed by a significant other. Yet these seven Nigerian women have experienced it.

    “He shared my nudes with his friends” — Dordor, 23

    I was 20 when I started dating this 35-year-old man. The age gap was serious, but I was going through a lot with my family, which made me run away from home. He was there for me, even though he also had some drama of his own — he’d just been dumped by his baby mama. Somehow, we grew close and started a relationship. 

    Eight months in, he gave me his phone to do something on his WhatsApp. I’m not the type of girlfriend who wants to know what you’re doing on your phone. But that day, I found his chat with his married friend who lives in Canada. Lo and behold, there was a gif image of my vagina. I was shook. 

    I scrolled through the chat history to find several sexual voice notes I’d sent to him. It turns out the guy was bragging about my sexual nature to his friends; I was the smallie he’d deflowered.

    I read everything and just kept quiet. When he came back and noticed something was off, he asked, and I confronted him with the evidence. You won’t believe the MF denied it. I left his house so I wouldn’t break a bottle on someone’s head, and he kept calling and threatening me not to leave him. I blocked him everywhere. The following day, as early as 6 a.m., I got a voice note from him — via a second number I’d totally forgotten about — begging me in the name of God. LOL. The relationship ended there.

    “He claimed I was exposing myself… while breastfeeding his child” — Nina*, 27

    I always thought my husband was a sensible person until we had our son in January [2023]. 

    As a first-time mum, I had a difficult time adjusting to my reality. My mum left after one month of omugwo, and I was basically on my own till my husband returned from work every night. I think I even had postpartum depression.

    When our son was three months old, we attended a friend’s wedding. It was my first time at an event after giving birth, and this boy was seriously showing me pepper. He kept crying, so we were juggling between petting and feeding him. At one point, he refused to take the bottle, so I had to breastfeed. I noticed my husband’s face change and asked what was wrong. He said, and I quote, “See how you just brought out your breast in this crowded place. Those guys were staring and lusting at your nipples. You should know how to cover up. Your whole breast is out.” 

    I don’t know whether it was the frustration, but I gave him a good piece of my mind right there. I’m sure the table beside us heard my voice. My husband started begging and promised never to try it again. He hasn’t tried it again.

    RELATED: What It’s Like To Do Motherhood With a Partner Who Cares

    “He wanted me to cut my friends off” — Ogo, 24

    I have mostly male friends, and I met my ex-boyfriend at a party hosted by one of these friends. That’s why I’m still shocked he woke up one day and told me to stop talking to my male friends.

    We’d been dating for about six months at the time, and he knew I’d been friends with most of these guys for years. Even my friends’ girlfriends knew me and had no problem with me. 

    He started by dropping murmurs about how I felt comfortable being around guys when I know I have a big ass. Talking about, “What if they think you’re giving them green light?” or “Don’t you think they’ll hit it if you allow them?”

    The complaints soon progressed to, “No one wants to be just friends with a fine babe like you”. Foolish lover girl that I was, I thought he was just joking. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he tried to prevent me from attending one of the guys’ birthday parties. His reason? I looked too hot, and he thought I’d stopped talking to the guy. I dumped his insecure ass.

    “He hid my thongs” — Favour*, 22

    I started wearing thongs about a year ago because I was tired of the noticeable lines normal panties show when you wear a tight-fitting outfit. 

    The first day my boyfriend at the time noticed it, he went bonkers. According to him, only sex workers and strippers wore thongs. He also said it’d attract undue attention from men. I thought he was joking, but the next time I went to his place for the weekend, he took my thongs from my bag and hid them while I slept. In the morning, I couldn’t find them so I asked him. He said I was proving stubborn and that he’d rather buy me dozens of new underwear than allow me to wear thongs again. Funny enough, I didn’t break up with him then because I thought his offering to “protect me” was romantic.

    “He accused me of wanting attention at the pool” — Lizzy*, 26

    My ex-boyfriend and I planned a pool date. I don’t know what he expected me to wear, but he was visibly shocked when I turned up in a bikini. I started getting attention from other people there — male and female alike — and he took offence. He said I deliberately wore a bikini because I wanted attention from men. I had to tie a wrap around my waist till we left.

    “He wanted me to stop posting on social media” — Abby, 20

    My ex had issues with guys commenting on my pictures on Instagram. Ironically, he also used to drop “likes” on other girls’ pictures. 

    According to him, likes were his way of acknowledging he saw your post, but comments meant you liked what you saw so much you had to talk about it. He said posting pictures and allowing comments suggested I wanted validation from other men when I already had him. I didn’t stop, and we later broke up because he cheated on me.

    “He insulted me on the first date” — Toyin*, 27

    From our talking stage, I really should’ve known this guy was “traditional” when he said he believed women shouldn’t work and should be taken care of by their men.

    We decided to meet up for a first date after talking for three weeks, and I wore a bodycon dress. The date was okay, but when it was time for him to drop me off, he said something like, “If not that I know you’re a good girl, I would’ve mistaken you for someone who does hookup”. He then advised me about dressing in certain ways to avoid sending the wrong message. He also talked about how it was only hookup girls who wore anklets (I was wearing one). 

    I calmly listened to all he said and blocked him everywhere immediately after getting home.

    *Some names have been changed to protect their identity.

    NEXT READ: “Nobody Can Call Me a Burden” — Nigerian Women on Going 50/50 Financially With Their Spouses

  • As we’ve seen lately, the possibility of your partner ruining your white by is higher than the levels of shege the Nigerian government has put us through. It can happen at any time, while you’re sitting on your own in your house or after you just got serenaded by THE Usher Raymond. We care about the whiteness of your clothes and your peace of mind, so here are a couple signs you need to look out for to avoid public disgrace and ridicule.

    Their favorite book is 48 laws of power 

    If you see the book anywhere near them, just run. Nothing good comes from reading that book.

    You’ve seen them move mad before

    If you’ve seen them move like they’ve been possessed before for no reason, it’s probably best to use the door and never come back. Just because, they’re yet to yell in your face, and act a fool, doesn’t mean your turn won’t come. 

    They think you take things too seriously 

    They’ll sneak diss you with their “jokes” and then start shouting, “I’m just playing” when you refuse to take the insult. 

    They say they are traditional 

    Nothing good has ever come from a person who uses the word “traditional“  to describe themselves. If they say traditional at least twice in a conversation, pack your load and flee.

    None of their exes have good things to say about them 

    We know relationships won’t always end amicably, but there’s no way every single one of their exes is out here saying they are nothing to write home about. Let’s be for real, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

    They don’t listen to anyone 

    They think they’re the best thing since jollof rice and have blocked their ears from listening to anyone reasonable.

    They are surrounded by yes men

     

    No one around them is willing to tell them the truth. They can say the sky is pink and every one in their friend group would concur with their lies.

    They think the opposite of logical is emotional 

    This simply means they are going to show you shege and gaslight you. You better run.

  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    How did you two meet?

    Shola: We met for the first time in December 2022. 

    My company sent me out to attend a business conference on the island. I was the sole representative at the event, and it was so boring — just panel after panel of different government officials talking about everything that’s wrong with Nigeria and how they’re trying their best to improve it. I think everyone there knew it was all bullshit.

    Favour: Ah. Don’t say that in public, please. 

    I was there with two of my colleagues, but it was still boring. It was supposed to last the whole day, from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., but there were break-out sessions every four hours. We met during the first of those sessions.

    Shola: Immediately I saw her, I knew I had to talk to her because she was the best-dressed person there. She looked like a hot shot, and I was wondering why she went all out for a conference in this Lagos. Then I saw her colleagues and knew these ones were working for a big company. Not that my company isn’t big o, but we’re riding the whole start-up energy, so we’re a lot more laidback in our dressing.

    Favour: I’d sneaked off to the brunch buffet table when he walked up to me. I was self-conscious because I was starving and had planned to get as much finger food as I could before other people caught on that the table was open. I’d just filled my little plastic saucer up when he greeted me, and I was like, “Shit. It had to be one soft-looking boy with a fine face that’d catch me hoarding food?”

    Tell me you had a lovely conversation about it

    Shola: We did. The first thing I said was, “Did you pack for me too?” which I instantly regretted. I wasn’t trying to shame her or anything. It was just the first sentence that came to me. She just rolled her eyes and walked away, but I followed her.

    Favour: He followed me to my seat and sat with me. We ended up having the most basic but nicest conversation for the rest of the conference. We talked about everything we liked, followed each other on socials and even connected on LinkedIn.

    Shola: And laughed at each other’s serious profile pictures.

    Favour: But what we didn’t do is exchange numbers.

    Shola: Yeah, that was funny. We’d decided to date before we even realised we didn’t have each other’s numbers.

    Who needs numbers these days? But what informed the decision to date?

    Shola: After that event, I stalked her on socials and really liked what I saw. She’s cool, fun and serious at the same time. I’ve always liked people who can balance all that; they’re rare. I also had a soft spot for her chubby cheeks and dimples pretty early on. 

    So one of the times we were texting on Twitter, about two days after we met, I told her I wanted to take her on our first date.

    Favour: He was so direct, I had to laugh. But I found it cute. 

    We talked for a long time about the type of ambience we liked: morning, afternoon or night, food/fine dining or junk/grills, open-air or indoor, and so on. He was determined to make it perfect, and I followed his lead.

    Shola: I like doing things right. My weakness is I can never be half-hearted about anything. Maybe until I chop breakfast sha, because I’ve never had anyone break up with me. And I came close to premium breakfast on our first date together.

    Really? But you hadn’t even started dating yet?

    Shola: Well, we fixed the date for the second Saturday after the conference, which was on a Friday. We went to this place in Ikeja GRA that makes the best burgers in Lagos. And that’s where she told me she’s in not one but two relationships. I almost fainted.

    Favour: He makes it sound so harsh. What I told him was that I was seeing two people, but I didn’t have a primary partner. I was in an open relationship. 

    Shola: I couldn’t understand what she meant in practice, so I just assumed it was a sex thing. But it wasn’t. She explained that she was committed to two men, had an emotional connection with each of them, had sex with them, and most importantly, they knew about each other.

    Favour: I was still interested in dating him, so I emphasised that. I just needed him to know there are two other people involved because the last thing I want to do is cheat on anyone.

    And how easy was it to move from this full disclosure to an official relationship?

    Shola: It wasn’t easy at all. 

    I almost didn’t want to be on the date anymore, but we’d already placed our orders, and I didn’t have the energy to get up and leave. My mind was in full processing mode, so we just sat there, quiet, as we waited for the burgers and beer. 

    I’m glad we waited.

    Favour: I was so sure he was going to bolt and maybe even block me because that’s how the average Nigerian person reacts. I’d never considered dating anyone I knew was heteronormative so much that I’d reveal this side of my personal life to them. Everyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with was already openly polyamorous. I don’t know why I took a chance with him, but I’m glad I did.

    Shola: Once the food came and we started eating, I started asking questions: Does everyone in the larger relationship live together and have to be committed to each other? Did her two partners have other partners of their own? I was sort of concerned about things like STIs. Also, what about jealousy?

    Favour: All these questions were valid, so I answered as best as I could while reminding him not to let fear of the unknown push him to make up scenarios in his head. 

    I’ve always been polyamorous, since my first relationship in college, when I was 20. So I’ve never had to ask these questions. These are things I learnt to navigate over time, and there are no rules. What works for someone else’s open relationship might not work for ours. For example, the fear of STIs, don’t you still make sure you’re not vulnerable to that in your average monogamous relationship?

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    Sounds like it was a really educative conversation. What was the end result?

    Shola: I decided to give it a try. I was now excited because there was something about the way she spoke about it.

    Favour: The first thing that helped was explaining how an open relationship was different from polyamory. I introduced him to my other boyfriends, but we didn’t have to all be in one big committed relationship.

    Shola: I met them the next day. She invited three of us out with her to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. 

    They were both laidback and mature about it. I’m glad I have those men in my life because one of them is currently mentoring me to start a business I’ve been wanting to start for the last five years.

    Favour: They all got along on that first meet, and that’s always a good sign.

    Has jealousy reared its ugly head yet?

    Shola: Yes, all the time. But not negatively. It almost makes the relationship more exciting. Almost because there’s “competition”, we’re both vocal about whether or not we’re making each other happy, and there’s not as much pressure on one person to meet the other’s needs. 

    I never imagined I’d be open to an open relationship, but I now understand why it works. I’ve never been in a relationship with as much open and honest communication as this one. 

    Favour: The personal boundaries are also clear. It’s hard to feel like someone is taking over your life or space in this type of relationship. 

    He has another girlfriend now, by the way. They started dating last month, and we’ve all met each other. It feels a lot more balanced now.

    Was it easy to get her into the open relationship lifestyle?

    Shola: Yes, but maybe because I didn’t set out to date her at first. It just happened, and she knew I was in an open relationship before we even got to the point of dating. So she had time to process it herself and decide whether she wanted to be involved in it.

    Favour: She’s such a sweet girl. I love her so much, and I actually knew she was moving to Shola before the slow boy caught on. I had a conversation with him about it before he officially asked her.

    Have you guys fought about anything yet?

    Favour: We fight all the time over the smallest of things. 

    The most memorable was sometime in April when he laughed at me at the gym for messing up a routine. I was already in a bad mood from work, and he knew it. So him laughing at me, and in public, felt so insensitive. I just got up, took my gym bag and went to his house with his car (he drove us there). 

    When he got back home, he was upset that I left him stranded.

    Shola: I wasn’t upset upset until you started screaming at me for daring to be upset. I was just exhausted because I had to walk home.

    Favour: We had a shouting match that ended in silent treatment. But by the time we were going to bed, we had this whispered conversation about it and hashed the whole thing out.

    Shola: Our fights are mostly misunderstandings that blow out of proportion. Nothing too serious.

    I’m curious. How do you decide when to hang out, considering the other partners? Is there a timetable?

    Shola: LOL. No timetable o.

    Favour: We just move as the spirit leads. It’s an “open” relationship. Sometimes, you feel like spending time with this person, so you go there.

    Shola: This is where the open communication comes in. We always check in on each other to make sure boundaries aren’t blurred and no one feels neglected. There’s no WhatsApp group or anything, but we all trust each other.

    Do other people — your family, friends, co-workers — know you’re in an open relationship?

    Favour: For me, everyone knows. 

    I’ve never told my parents directly, and they live in a different city, but I’m sure the news has reached them by now. All my siblings and some of my extended family know, so of course, one of them will tell. They haven’t asked or berated me about it, but they stopped pressuring me to marry some five years ago. In general, I’m open about it to those who have a right to know about my personal life.

    Shola: I’m still new to it, so right now, only my brother knows. He’s older, just about Favour’s age, and he doesn’t believe in it at all. He thinks we’re all just fooling around. I’ve decided there’s no point opening up to my parents. I might change my mind in the future because I don’t see our relationship ending soon. But why open myself up to disappointment when I know they won’t be supportive?

    Favour: Some people around me have been supportive, some haven’t. In my early 20s, I’d get slut-shamed all the time, mostly by older men who can’t grasp the idea of a woman being sexually liberated. I won’t lie that it never got to me, but I still get slut-shamed before people know I’m polyamorous, so what difference does it make? 

    Sweet. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1-10?

    Favour: A full-chested 10. I love it here.

    Shola: 10 too. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I’m living in sin, but 10 still.

    Favour: DFKM.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We’ll Never Forget When We Bought Our First Sallah Ram

  • Playing games for couples online with the LOYL is a sure way to build a stronger connection and bring out your cheesy sides.

    Whether you’re miles apart or just looking for cute ways to know each other better, these games should be on top of your mind. Let’s get into it.

    Online mobile games for couples

    If you have attachment issues with your phone, a smart way to get out of trouble is to create shared experiences with your significant other. Candy Crush and Ludo King are fun games for couples online that’ll keep you hooked, but there’s more.

    Truth or dare

    16 Games for Couples Online That Are Sure to Keep Your Love Alive

    The rule is simple: Ask a question or issue a dare. You can both decide what the penalties would be for losing parties, especially when one person can’t fulfill a dare.

    Guess The Song

    16 Games for Couples Online That Are Sure to Keep Your Love Alive

    This game is great for bonding with your partner if you have songs that define special moments in your relationship. Lyrics pop on the screen and you have to guess the artist correctly.

    Finish the sentence

    16 Games for Couples Online That Are Sure to Keep Your Love Alive

    Source: LiveWorksheets

    This is a great game to keep your partner engaged on instant messaging platforms like WhatsApp. Take turns sending incomplete sentences until you build a story.

    Candy Crush

    Source: WikiHow

    Invite your partner to join your game and start crushing virtual candies together.

    Ludo King

    Source: Google Play

    This is a digital version of the Ludo board game. You and your partner can play against each other or team up against another player — possibly another couple you know.

    iMessage games

    16 Games for Couples Online That Are Sure to Keep Your Love Alive

    This is another great option for couples, but it’s strictly for Apple users. iMessage comes with interesting games like pictoword, word streak with friends, X and Os, etc.

    Draw and Guess

    Source: AppStore

    Simply draw on an empty canvas and have your partner guess what you’re drawing before you complete it.

    Romantic scrabble

    16 Games for Couples Online That Are Sure to Keep Your Love Alive

    Source: Love Dignity

    Your regular scrabble with a romantic twist. You can only spell out romantic words on the board or words that have a deeper meaning in your relationship.

    Online games for long-distance couples

    It might not be the best feeling in the world to be away from your significant other, but there are ways to keep in touch beyond calling and texting. These online games for long-distance couples will help your situation.

    Virtual drinking game

    Source: TimeOut

    Jump on a video call with your partner and try out wine, beer or your preferred liquor till you both check out.

    Charades

    Source: Trebound

    Another fun game certified to help forget the distance, you and your partner can act out the words via a video call.

    Never Have I Ever

    16 Games for Couples Online That Are Sure to Keep Your Love Alive

    Source: Pinterest

    Take turns to mention things you’ve never done before. You can play this game via an audio or video call, although we’d recommend the latterfor couples in long distance relationships. 

    Two Truths and A Lie

    Source: HealthHappyImpactful

    This is an interesting way to get to know your long-distance partner. Decide if you want to jump on a video or audio call, say two truths and a lie about yourself, and get your partner to detect the lie. 

    Do You Know Me

    Source: AppStore

    Just like Two Truths and A Lie, this online game is great for long-distance partners who want to know more about each other. Answer questions about each other’s taste in music, movies and more.

    Dirty voice notes

    Source: Meta

    This game is a great way to understand your partner’s sexual fantasies and desires, especially if you’re away from each other. Record and send raunchy VNs to each other on WhatsApp.

    Virtual Escape Room

    16 Games for Couples Online That Are Sure to Keep Your Love Alive

    Source: TeamBuilding

    You and your partner need virtual reality headsets to get the best out of this virtual version of Escape Room.

    Strip game

    You can’t be physically intimate due to distance, but this game can take your sex life to the next level. You and your partner can set the rules and choose which piece of clothing goes off each other’s bodies.

  • Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.

    Photo by Tony James-Andersson

    What’s your earliest memory of regretting a decision?

    Deciding not to go with my mum on a “trip” when I was seven. She never came back. Living with my dad and his next wife wasn’t great. I often felt neglected.

    Did you ever see your mother again?

    No, I didn’t. 

    The story is that she relocated to somewhere in Europe — most of my people say Greece — and was never heard from again. I’ve thought about her every day since then, but I don’t know why I never tried to look for her. Of course, for most of my youth, it was hard to communicate with people who weren’t in direct contact. There were no cell phones or social media. 

    Now, she’d be over 80 or dead. But I’ve always longed for that maternal love and wondered why she left or if she ever regretted leaving me.

    What was life like growing up without her?

    It was a blur. I don’t remember much of it, just that I never felt loved. 

    I was the first and only child of my parents. My father went on to have five children with my stepmother, so they and their needs always came first. And being much older than them, I often had to take care of them like a nanny would, only I never got paid for my work. I cooked for them and cleaned up after them for much of my childhood. 

    Going to secondary school at age 12 came as a relief because I was sent to a boarding school in Benin City, which was some distance from Warri, where my family lived.

    RELATED: What She Said: Growing Up around Juju Made Me a Stronger Christian

    Do you ever wonder why they sent you far away?

    Not really. All my cousins went to the same school, so I was happy my father did the same for me. FGGC Benin City was one of the best unity schools in the South back in the day. We used to compete with Queens College. 

    My time there was my first real experience of being happy. I had such a great time connecting with other girls there, and because my cousins were seniors, I was always treated well. I also spent most holidays with a family friend who lived in Benin. 

    When it became time for university was when all that joy crashed for a while.

    What happened?

    I clashed with my father over what course to study. 

    He wanted me to be an accountant like him, but I’d loved making art and sculptures while in boarding school. I wanted to go study creative arts at the then Bendel State University. But he claimed he couldn’t afford it and wanted me to go to the College of Education in Abraka since I wanted to study art. The school was like a Government Teachers’ Training College, so I immediately knew he had no intention of letting me study what I wanted. 

    That’s how I didn’t end up going to school until three years later after. This was when the school in Abraka became part of Bendel State University. 

    What did you do in the meantime?

    I was 18, and my father just let me be, as long as he didn’t have to give me money. I stayed with my family friend in Benin for some time before returning to Warri to take a secretarial course in 1980. That was where I met and fell in love with a handsome young man, one of the part-time trainers. We were married within a year, with my father’s full blessings. 

    I’m guessing that delayed your return to school further?

    Partly, but once all the fanfare of the wedding was over, my husband was the driving force behind my return. I was just 19, but even though he was much older than me, he was also quite young at 27. So we decided we wouldn’t rush into having children and instead focus on my education and him properly establishing his fishery business. My father had given him some capital to expand it at some point.

    How did school go? 

    I started university in 1982 when I was just about to turn 21. I ended up studying art education and history, which wasn’t bad. But that shifted my focus from making art to teaching it. At the time, I didn’t notice my focus was shifting, but seeing how two of my secondary school peers have made great strides with their art, I regret not staying my course. 

    I’m sure many can relate to that

    I also didn’t have a great time studying in Abraka. Students there were much different than the ones I was used to in Warri and Benin; they weren’t nearly as studious and always made fun of me for being uptight. I could never really fit in, especially since I didn’t live on campus. Right after my graduation in 1985, I got pregnant and decided to keep it, so I shared the news with my husband.

    Sounds like there were past pregnancies you decided not to keep?

    Yes. I’d been pregnant twice before, but I didn’t want to derail my education further. My husband still doesn’t know about them.

    So abortions were a thing in the 80s?

    Of course, but they’ve never been done in the open. I went to a clinic on both occasions, but everything was very hush-hush.

    But I don’t think abortions should be encouraged because I still feel guilty about the ones I had. I feel selfish that I chose myself; I didn’t want to be “inconvenienced”. But the truth is, if I went back in time, I’d still make that decision. 

    Actually, I just wouldn’t have married so early.

    If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why

    Why not?

    It wasn’t strange to marry at 18-22 in those days, but in hindsight, I’m glad that trend is less commonplace today. The reason is I felt ill-equipped for the responsibilities of being a wife for the longest time, and I’m sure many of my peers who married as teenagers felt the same. Taking care of the house and the needs of another adult can take a toll on a woman’s sense of self. I never had time for myself outside school and homemaking in those early years — no leisure activities, no hobbies, few friends who reduced in number as the years passed.

    Did it ever get better?

    Well, after I got my education degree, I was pregnant, and all of a sudden, my husband was talking about relocating to Germany. 

    He’d gotten an opportunity to study for a master’s there, and he was allowed to bring his family with him. I taught art in a state secondary school for seven months before we moved in 1986. I had my son two months later. I didn’t even do NYSC. 

    Raising him in a completely new environment like that was hell. Especially when my husband moved to England alone the next year, right after he’d gotten his master’s.

    Ah. But why?

    For better work opportunities. But this time, he couldn’t move with his family because he left without getting a concrete job first. He just used his Schengen visa to travel. I don’t know how he did it, but long story short, he was gone for the next 30 years.

    Ahh. And you couldn’t join him at any point?

    Neither of us ever got a good enough job, so we just didn’t have the resources for us (me and our son) to join him. I gave birth in Germany, so our son was a citizen and had a kinderreisepass, which came with privileges that were only valid in Germany and some other European countries at that time. 

    Even though this also made him an EU citizen with rights in the UK pre-Brexit, my husband was convinced it wouldn’t make much difference as Europeans were often harassed for being immigrants too. For some reason, it took him ten years to get a permanent residency in the UK. I later heard that it shouldn’t have taken him more than five years.

    And what was life like without him for 30 years?

    I always say I never got to experience married life because we went from me being busy with school, to relocating and readjusting to a new continent where he was mostly working or in classes, to living apart. So I didn’t feel like I missed much, only it would’ve helped to be supported in raising a child. 

    My son’s toddler years were particularly hellish for me. My husband sent money for rent when he could, but I still had to work as a shop attendant for three years to augment and pay for food and heating. Later, I started babysitting for most of the African mums in my area who could afford the extra expense, and that helped a lot. 

    Communication with my husband was few and far between, so I very much felt like a single mum. It was cold and lonely.

    What happened after he finally got his permanent residency?

    We started planning to join him. But soon, the conversation shifted to “We can’t uproot David* [our son] now. It’ll affect his education and psychology.” At the time, I agreed. Our boy was just becoming a teenager and had really immersed himself in the local community. It felt cruel to uproot him at that time. 

    So the plan became to wait till it was time for him to go to college, which was an entire seven to eight years in the future.

    Wow

    During that time, my husband visited at least once a year and stayed for two to four weeks, usually in the summer. But he never really re-integrated into our family unit. Our son still treats him like an uncle. 

    In 2002, our son was done with secondary school, but I was no longer interested in moving to the UK. He also wasn’t in a hurry to go to college, so he took a gap year before entering Zurich. From there, he built a life for himself and moved on. 

    I’m actually happy because he’s now living my dream of making art. He has a home gallery for his glass mosaic pieces and an agency that represents him in Europe. I couldn’t be more proud.

    What about you?

    Much of my adult life was spent being a professional nanny and babysitter just to pay for the basics and save for my son’s college funds. Between 1990 and 2000, I took several courses and got certificates that allowed me to run the business formally. I absolutely didn’t want to rely on whatever plan his father may or may not have had.

    After my son left and found his own way, I went to college myself and got an MA in education. My husband and I have been estranged since at least 2009. I’ve been working in academia since the MA, and I’m currently on my way to getting a professorship. 

    That sounds amazing

    My life doesn’t look to be ending badly, but I’d kill to start over. 

    I’d study art and be a visual artist. I’d marry at a more mature age. I’d marry someone I can have proper conversations about the trajectory of our family and be part of the decision-making process. I’d have at least four children, and hopefully, raise them in a healthier environment.

    Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel so alone and like I’ve wasted my life?

    Or maybe, I’d even go with my mother when she asked, but who knows how that would’ve ended.

    For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women-like content, click here

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  • Marriage pacts only exist in Hollywood movies. Or so I thought until I came across this tweet.

    So I reached out to Clara, who explained that even though people think she and her best friend, Timi, are holding out for each other, the idea behind the pact is much different. But why make the pact, and what does it really mean to them?

    This is Clara’s story, as told to Boluwatife

    Image: Chris F via Pexels

    I met Timi in 2015, when we were in SS 2 of the same secondary school. But we didn’t really consider each other as friends.

    We started talking when our school set up extra lessons to pump our class with as much knowledge as possible for the coming Cambridge IGCSE exams. This happened over a two-month period between August and September.

    He used to sit behind me during prep period, and at first, we only talked about the lessons. In fact, he’s the reason I know mathematics today. He sucked at English, which I was great at, but was better at maths. It was a help-me-I-help-you situation. 

    Our relationship didn’t progress past classmates till we went home for a two-week break after the Cambridge extra lessons. We got each other’s numbers from the school’s group chat, and would randomly chat. Timi had this friend I liked, so I was trying to confirm with him whether his friend liked me too.

    We resumed SS 3 in October and bonded over him trying to help me get together with his friend — classic Hollywood rubbish — and still assisting each other to prepare for exams. I helped him with essays and biology, and he helped me with stuff like matrix and coding. We also read together in the library. The exams came in November, and it was stressful. Not everyone wrote the Cambridge exams, so it became a shared experience we could talk and complain to each other about.

    I later quit trying to date his friend because I started liking someone else. And that’s when it became apparent that Timi and I were friends beyond me trying to date his friend. We’d even stopped talking about the guy at that time. We’d started talking about how different our lives would be in a year, when we’d leave for university in other countries. He was to leave for Canada, and I, the UK. We soon left school for Christmas break and kept in touch.

    On Christmas Day 2015, we officially agreed to be friends. My mum’s boyfriend decided to take her, my sister and I to a Chinese restaurant that day. It was strange because we typically spent Christmas at home; I’m usually lukewarm to the season.

    RELATED: I Feel Guilty for Wanting to Celebrate Christmas

    I texted Timi about it; something like, “You’re a new person in my life, so maybe that’s why I’m doing something new for Christmas.” He asked where we went because his family also went out. I mentioned the place, and it turned out he was also there. What are the odds that we were at the same place at the same time? We met at the reception and spoke for a while. Then he said it was the first time he’d see someone outside school and actually be happy to meet them. I said, “At this point, we’re actually friends”. It was the first time we mentioned being friends.

    Our relationship became even better after that. We spent more time together, and on December 31, he went, “Now that we’re friends, I hope to have you in my life every last day of the year”.

    The moment I started thinking of Timi as my best friend was when he did something for me that no one else had ever done. There was this book I was reading in the library, “Her Mother’s Hope” by Francine Rivers. It had about a thousand pages, and I couldn’t finish it in one go because I only had a three-hour library time. It was also popular among library goers; people used to rush it. This guy actually hid the book somewhere only I’d find it in the library. He did that until I finished reading it. It was so thoughtful that he considered my enjoyment. 

    For him, he started thinking of me as his best friend when I showed him my appendectomy scar in school. I just found that out when he mentioned it during an interview we had with my friend Jojo in February 2023 — for a friendship-inspired Valentine’s blog. It was the first time someone did a story about our friendship.

    Leaving secondary school was an emotional period because we thought we’d never see each other again. He left for Canada soon after, but I delayed my UK plan and went to a university in Nigeria instead. We kept in touch with calls and texts, but our friendship affected some of our other relationships because we were young and didn’t understand how our closeness could make other people feel a type of way. 

    One of my exes didn’t understand why I’d drop everything once it was time to jump on a call with Timi. To me, it was “Timi time”. One of his exes also asked him to choose between me and her. He chose me, and that’s how wahala started; she left. I think we were just excited about being each other’s person. I learnt how to be a friend through Timi. I had no real understanding of friendship before him.

    After 2016, when he left for Canada, we didn’t see each other again till 2018. It was a tough year for both of us. Timi was going through mental health issues; finding his feet in a new environment wasn’t easy. My boyfriend at the time had just passed away in a car accident. Our shared grief brought us together again. Timi flew to Nigeria because he didn’t want me to bury my dead alone. I still remember hugging him for the longest time, and looking at him, happy I could touch him again. 

    By 2021, I was in my last semester at university and decided I wanted to be a hoe. The thing is, I’m not good at relationships. Neither is Timi. But it’s not because we’re holding out for each other, as people assume. I have some very unorthodox “doctrines”. For example, I believe you should be able to confirm from a potential partner’s ex whether the person they’re a good partner or not. I know I’m a good partner, but I don’t know what it is. We just don’t tend to date people for a long time.

    ALSO READ: I Couldn’t Keep Up With My Overambitious Boyfriend, So I Left

    When I decided to be a hoe, I had a series of short flings with about seven people within a span of six months. I talked to Timi about how I was about to leave yet another fling, and he said he’d just left someone too and that he didn’t know if something was wrong with him because the girl was nice. I joked about us possibly losing our future spouses due to our unseriousness. He said he wasn’t worried because if, in the end, we didn’t marry, we’d just marry each other. It was just a joke at the time, but we kept reaffirming it and even told friends. What people don’t get is that, it’s not a thing of surrender. It’s our way of telling ourselves we’d never truly be alone because we’ll always have each other. 

    I know many people, even many of our friends, will never believe we’re just friends. We don’t mention the pact to potential partners because we’ve learned from how we handled our friendship in past relationships, and I try not to present him as a threat. It’s not like we’re hiding the pact — obviously, it’s viral now — but we downtone it in respect of the other people in our lives. 

    My mum thinks I’m wasting my time and should just marry someone who understands my on-and-off nature. She thinks my relationships don’t last because I’m unconsciously saving myself for him and that when we’re done being children, we’d marry. But we’re not just settling for each other. We’d only marry if it’s in the cards and the stars align.

    My friendship with Timi is one of the strongest relationships I have right now. We have calls that last till midnight, where we’d talk about everything and anything. 

    Have I ever thought about what it’d be like if we were actually together? Yes, but I always give myself a reality check. I’m in the UK now — he’s still in Canada — and I’m not a long-distance relationship girl. I don’t see the need to ask if he’s thought about the possibility of a relationship because it’ll unnecessarily put us both in an uncomfortable position and might ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

    Why ruin this good thing all because of “Does he love me? Will it work?” questions? I don’t know if he’s ever entertained such thoughts, but I know I don’t need to prod him into any romantic situation. If it’ll happen, it’ll happen. We’re both 23 and single now, so we have seven years till we’re 30, to do magic and find someone.

    LIKED THIS? READ THIS NEXT: I Was Married Three Years Before My Husband Knew I Had Kids

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  • Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    How did you meet?

    Zayyan: We’ve always known each other. We’re family friends and from the same town in Kebbi State. Although we’ve both lived in Lagos most of our lives, our parents were all neighbours in Gwandu. So in Lagos, we and some other families were all very close-knit.

    Rabi: Yes. He attended the same secular schools in Lagos as my brothers and some of my cousins. And we visited each other’s houses a lot as kids. But when he went to Dubai for university in 2011, and I went to the UK the next year, we stopped communicating as much. We didn’t lose contact, but we just never called or texted each other. He only commented on my few IG posts once in a while.

    So how did you reunite?

    Rabi: By 2018, we were both back in Nigeria for one reason or the other. But my family had relocated to Abuja while his was still in Lagos. 

    With our return to the country and renewed interaction with mutual family friends, I started hearing general news about him and his family. Then early in 2019, his sister came to Abuja and stopped by my family house for a few days. On one of those days, Z called her, and we all spoke for several minutes. I was able to catch up with him and all he was doing with his life. It was during this long, drawn-out chat that he jokingly said I’ve always been his secret crush, and he’d come to visit us when he has business in Abuja.

    Zayyan: I didn’t realise I said that until she told me later on. But I wasn’t able to go to Abuja until around September 2019. I dropped by her house, greeted her father and saw her briefly. I spent my weeks in Abuja more with her elder brother and some other of our childhood friends.

    But I admired her from afar and got to know she wasn’t seeing anyone. However, I didn’t ask her about it before leaving later in the month.

    Rabi: The crush thing surprised me because, when we were young, I never ever imagined he’d like me or we would date, talk less of marry.

    What changed?

    Rabi: In November, one of us was getting married and formed a WhatsApp group for all of us childhood friends. We’d all gotten very close again, especially with most of us returning to Nigeria after years overseas. The group was created so we could support and contribute to our mutual friend’s wedding. 

    This guy was our age mate, getting married so early, and to a Taraba girl. We were so amazed and happy for him. We all came through for him, and during this period, we’d all communicate and hang out a lot. There was also a lot of interaction with everyone’s parents to make sure everything was in order. 

    Somehow, me and Z got close. We always happened to be in charge of the same tasks, and my father was also more likely to decide on what he’d do regarding the wedding with his father than the other parents, even though we were states apart.

    Zayyan: It’s because they think alike and have always gotten along great.

    Rabi: Yes. So during that wedding period, Baba would ask me to ask you something about your father, or pass a message across if, for some reason, they couldn’t reach each other directly. That’s how we got to really talking. 

    Then the wedding day came, and of course, it was beautiful. About 20 of us booked an entire floor of a hotel in Birnin. It was an amazing time. And it was there we decided to see each other.

    RELATED: Love Life: We’re Soulmates Who’ve Been Together Since JSS 1

    Wait. Hold up. How did that happen?

    Zayyan: We had a connection during the week leading up to the wedding. It felt like we were dating already, the way we treated each other. We’d always pair up on bridal outings and check up on each other. At one point, we were talking every hour of every day. 

    So after the couple got married and took off, I didn’t want our own connection to end. I realised I’d go back to Lagos, and she’ woul’d return to her life in the capital. We’d have nothing to keep us in touch, so we’d drift apart. I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted her in my life for good. 

    And it’s good I spoke up because she was going for her master’s in January and didn’t tell me.

    Rabi: Baba didn’t want me talking about it to anyone. And it didn’t come up between us. 

    But when Z discovered this, he decided to apply for the May intake. I was surprised when he called to tell me he’d gotten an admission to my school. It’s not that easy to get in on that particular intake, especially when you don’t plan ahead. 

    You got to love a man who’d go to school just to be with you

    Rabi: True. Maybe that’s why I love him.

    Zayyan: A master’s degree was always part of the plan for me, so why not do it at the same time and place as the woman I wanted to make my wife?

    God, abeg o. Am I a pencil?

    Zayyan: It turned out to be terrible timing because COVID happened in February/March, and although I got the admission, I had to try again for the September and the next January intake before UK allowed me to travel to their precious land.

    Rabi: Yes, our enemies were really pressed. By then, I was done with my one-year program, but he convinced me to stick around for his own. It was an expensive decision. We had to figure out housing, surviving on student jobs and allowance from home. But it all worked out in the end.

    Zayyan: I proposed to her at my graduation in 2022, which started a family war.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    Ah. Why and how?

    Zayyan: Well, her parents didn’t know she was staying back in Buckingham with me. That’s one. 

    Then when I proposed, I did it in front of my father and some of my siblings. They were all happy to see her, but they didn’t know we’d been together all that while. My father didn’t react well to having to find out when I was asking her to marry me. 

    But the real war started when photos of us got to her parents the next day.

    Rabi: My mother rang up my phone and started ranting about how my father was furious with me and disappointed. I was quite shocked. I couldn’t even get a word in.

    Zayyan: At that point, we both still thought they were angry because we’d been living together in England.

    It wasn’t just that?

    Zayyan: It wasn’t.

    Rabi: So we got to find out that me and Z share a great great grandfather who was an Emir. And apparently, our fathers regard each other as brothers.

    Zayyan: It was ridiculous to me. We aren’t even cousins. In the past, didn’t first cousins marry each other?

    Ah. So how did y’all move past that?

    Rabi: We had to return to Nigeria first, in February 2022. But our fathers insisted we couldn’t marry. They said it was taboo and Allah wouldn’t bless our marriage, so why would they? It was scary because Z and I had already gone through so much together. The thought of us just ending things seemed like a huge heartbreak I wasn’t sure I had the strength for.

    Zayyan: It was scary. Most people would say they just won’t take it and either marry anyway or do everything they can to force their parents’ hands. But the truth is, it’s extremely hard to go against your parents’ wishes, especially with something as important as marriage. So I had to pray about it.

    Then sometime in April, when I went to Kebbi for a cousin’s turbaning ceremony at the Emir’s palace, I spoke to some princes about it. They all agreed that our fathers were being unreasonable. They agreed to persuade the Emir to summon them. 

    Rabi: We don’t know what happened next, but by the end of May, when I was considering returning to the UK to be with my sister in London, my father asked to see me and said he’d told Z we could marry. I was so shocked I actually thought he was just pulling my legs.

    Zayyan: I’d had a meeting with our fathers a night before, where they’d given me their blessing.

    Thank God for the Emir?

    Rabi: Subhanallah. 

    Zayyan: The whole thing suddenly made us eager to get married. When I proposed in January, I didn’t even think we’d be married within the year. I just wanted to show my commitment to her. But after our fathers finally gave their blessings, we wanted to be married the next day, if possible.

    Rabi: But preparations delayed his eagerness by three more months.

    So how was the wedding?

    Zayyan: It was great. We brought together the same gang from the wedding that brought us together in 2019, give or take a few people. In fact, we used the same WhatsApp group. It survived at least two weddings since that first one. 

    Rabi: If you see our fathers smiling from ear to ear because the Emir attended briefly, you wouldn’t believe they spent five months opposing the whole thing.

    Zayyan: We ended up doing two nikahs. One in Birnin and the other in her father’s sitting room in Maitama because he wanted his Imam’s special prayers. Then we did two receptions as well. Our parents paid for everything, so they could do as they liked. We just went with whatever.

    And how has married life been since?

    Rabi: It’s been nine months already. That’s amazing.

    Zayyan: What can I say? It’s been good. Nothing much has changed. We just do a lot more things together and share a last name.

    Rabi: Last week, we bought our very first ram together as a couple, and it made me so happy inside.

    Zayyan: Yes, we won’t forget that experience in a while. Bibi made us go to Wuse Market so we could get the whole ram-buying experience. Something we could’ve ordered from the comfort of our home. But it wasn’t all bad — even though they cheated us.

    Rabi: Kai. We paid extra for the real market experience.

    Zayyan: This is our first real Eid as a couple because, apart from fasting together, we’ve never gone all out like this before. It’s the best.

    On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your Love Life?

    Zayyan: I’d say 8. It’s been great so far. The foundation is strong.

    Rabi: 10. It’s been perfect, and we’re expecting a bundle of joy soon too. Mashallah.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life: I Only Proposed After I Met Her Mum

  • Text chatGPT instead of entering a talking stage

    You can text it all day, get fast replies and be sure it won’t ghost you. 

    Become more romantic

    Being a big ball of romance is finally only a few prompts away. Just ask Claude AI to tell you what sweet words to say at every point in time. Isn’t God good all the time?

    Shoot more shots without needing more rizz

    Connected to our previous point, your work rate will go up because dead pickup lines will no longer be part of your story. Think about it.

    Settle every fight before they happen

    Imagine your partner sends you a long pdf about something you did, and you just don’t have the time to read it. You can have AI write you a response in the sweetest tone possible. Just copy-paste, and your relationship problem is solved.

    In fact, your whole relationship can be on autopilot

    Just imagine using an AI chatbot to send replies to your partner all day? You can finally ghost in peace without them even noticing you’re gone.

    More time on your hands

    What if you just want to sleep, and your partner is why you can’t? What if you just want a break without the break-up? With the effective use of AI, you can now eat your cake and have it. 

    Gift ideas won’t require much thought

    You can finally outsource to AI, the answer to the question, “What do you give someone who has everything?” and focus on actually saving to buy that thing. You still score points for being thoughtful.

    You can safely vent at chatGPT

    If you’re the kind of person who has issues with being vulnerable to other humans, how about being vulnerable to a machine that can talk back? Just ask it to mimic your therapist, and you can be rest assured you’re in a safe space.

    NEXT READ: Only People With These 7 Jobs Are Safe From the AI Takeover

  • Nigerian men have audacity. That “I’ve to see it through, my boy” type of audacity. But at the sudden mention of blind dates, they lose sight of the endgame.

    They may argue that it’s not a popular concept in Nigeria and say they’re not desperate for love, but we know actual reasons why they avoid it.

    They like making their own decisions

    If you like, know Nigerian men best, know what satisfies them and what turns them on and off, they’ll twist it and say you don’t think they’re decisive. To them, that’s putting their eggs in someone else’s basket in their book. Best to leave them to their ultimate search for love.

    They’re on all the dating apps

    Blind dates aren’t Nigerian men’s cup of tea. Everything is easier now, they can just hop on RCCG’s ConnectNow and swipe till they find their spec.

    Likely to meet an ex

    Men that have slept with the whole Nigeria. Especially Abuja and Lagos men. They won’t go on blind dates because the chances that it’s a babe they’ve ghosted is high. 

    Everywhere is hard

    Where’s the money? In these agbado times?  The cost of living is too high to risk it. They’re blind to blind dates.

    Yo, attention.

    Send your submissions here.

    Fear of rejection

    Nigerian men think of themselves as odogwu and king of boys, but they can’t handle rejection. Ego gets bruised and they start asking if they’re not good-looking enough and start showing banks accounts. These same men on blind dates?

    Avoid becoming Twitter gist

    Nothing sends cold shivers down a man’s spine more than scenes where his date goes on Twitter to sew threads about the experience. The fear of dragging is the beginning of wisdom.

    Forming hard guy

    Blind dates are for hopeless romantics. Small heartbreak, Nigerian men can’t take. The way they say “is it love we’ll eat?”, “money over everything,” you’ll realise 24 hours isn’t enough time for them to think about money. But the truth is, they’re just running from heartbreak.

    READ: Can Nigerian Men Just Slow Down on These Things?